[24] Guidance on Supporting the Dying with Compassion and Wisdom

11:44PM Aug 5, 2024

Speakers:

Andrew Holecek

Keywords:

person

dying

rinpoche

death

die

people

fear

holding

remember

mind

sense

transition

life

deepest

transitioning

stability

happening

dimensions

slogans

losing

Recording in progress. Okay, so where we left off to the very best of my recollection, and I'm pretty sure I'm trying to be more accurate on this. If you have the book hard copy, page 102, advice from Sogyal Rinpoche. So again, I'm, I think you know, I am still referencing him. I'm doing pretty much with Pema Chodron. How she responds. I completely agree with her when she started teaching on the stuff, and let me get this back here, and she was mentioning so Rinpoche, and she got a little bit of blowback from people about, you know, how can you reference this guy? Well, first of all, when I wrote this thing 15 years ago, he was still in good standing, right? But even with that said, I have to say I agree with what Pema says around these lines. I mean is a person categorically, I'm not defending him at all, but it's very easy, facile, to categorically dismiss someone in their contributions based on a certain set of actions, and so I'm not here to act as an apologist for him. But at the same time, you know, I'm not going to edit out his contributions. I mean, the Tibetan book, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, is a remarkable contribution in terms of, like, what happened and his journey going south, and that's so cool. He heard a lot of people, but he still has some really interesting, very helpful things to say when he was still kind of rolling in the healthy arena. So his book, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, is a modern masterpiece. Every serious student should own. This text. I still believe that in part two dying. It offers some of the best advice ever written at that point. So this is 15 years ago. I think there, there are books now that are that are as good, but for the time, this is a really landmark classic book. I remember very well when he came to Boulder, he was, he was doing a book tour on this, and he was just, I mean, he was filling in, wouldn't say auditoriums, but he was getting a lot of people coming to his programs, including me, in multiple readings of the seminal book. I've realized that in terms of helping others to die, there's simply no better way to say that. Well, I think today there is, but back then there wasn't. The following section is a collection of excerpts summarizing Rinpoche teachings on how to help others die. And so I was in pretty close contact with Andrew Harvey and the people that were involved in writing this book at the time, asking both for permission, because there's definitely past what's called a fair use approach here, which is when you have to start paying publishing houses for using the material. But they gave me a permission to do it, and so I had a lot of communication back and forth, not directly with soge Rinpoche, but with his his main peeps who were involved in this book, and they were actually very, very supportive and very helpful. The following section is a collection of excerpt excerpts from his books, summarizing how to help others. I have inserted my own commentary between these extensive quotations to elaborate some of the important points, unless noted otherwise. Every quote in this section is from him. So here's the first one, the most essential thing in life is to establish an unafraid, heartfelt communication with others, and it is never more important than with a dying person. So this is if you work in hospice, if you work in palliative care and of life care. You tell me if this stuff doesn't still apply, right? You tell me that it doesn't still apply often the dying person feels reserved and insecure and is not sure of your intentions when you first visit, so don't feel anything extraordinary is supposed to happen. Just be natural and relax. Be yourself. Often, dying people do not say what they want or mean, and the people close to them do not know what to say or do. By the way, I'm just, I'm just going to interject as I go through this. So if that's the case, and someone is still cogent enough, honesty rules the day here, you know, don't be a positivity pusher. Honesty rules the day and and either remain in silence or just express you know, your your your inability, and you say, you know, I'm not entirely sure what to say here, but the one thing for sure is, don't just fill the space. If there's uncomfortable silence, just rest in that discomfort. Don't feel like you have to full fill Well, that's interesting. Slip fool, fill the space just in order to make things more comfortable, it's hard to find out what they might be trying to say or even what they might be hiding, sometimes not even they know. So the first essential thing is to relax any. In the atmosphere, in whatever way comes most easily and naturally. Okay, back to me, don't try to impress anyone with your wisdom and compassion. Yeah, this is, this is really, this is great, right? Don't try to impress anybody with anything other than your natural presence. And again, if you are open, remember the rules for listening, sacred listening. If you just are silent and you open, the environment that the person itself will guide you, will direct you be yourself. That's wisdom and compassion. Try to imagine what the dying one must be going through. Rinpoche continues, once trust and confidence have been established, allow the dying person to bring up the things he or she really wants to talk about. Encourage the person warmly to feel as free as possible to express thoughts, fears and emotions about dying and death, this honest and unshrinking bearing of emotion is central to any possible transformation of coming to terms with life or dying a good death, and you must allow the person complete freedom and give your full permission to say whatever he or she wants. So what are you doing here, right? So it's this narrative again, you're creating a holding environment. You're creating a space. I love this etymology, the word dharma, remember, comes from the Sanskrit root DHR, which means to hold, to hold as in cease, and to hold as in to contain. And so really, large part of what this whole book is about is inviting and cultivation of a proper holding environment so that you can create this kind of space, that when the person enters it and you represent the space, the fundamental response is, what openness and relaxation. So that's the underlying narrative is like, you know, whatever you can do to kind of maintain, create, stabilize, enhance this holding environment of unconditional love, acceptance and release and openness that really should inform everything. Don't interrupt, deny or negate what the dying person has to say. I remember very clearly 20 years ago or so, a friend of mine was dying from brain cancer, and I was part of the care team and spending a fair amount of time with him. And when I was with him, he would just, he would say that he was a really bright guy, PhD kind professor, and he would, you would just say he was also a deep bud practitioner. He would say, oh, do I know I'm seeing, you see that being at the end of the hall? Oh, there's another one on top of the roof. And instead of like, oh, no, you know, Jim, that's not really happening. That's not there. It's like, oh, really, can you tell me about them? What do they look like? You know? And I would just, I would engage them. Don't challenge them that that's not the time to do that. Give them the space they need. The dying are in the most vulnerable time of their lives. They're often confused and overwhelmed. So be sensitive and open. Practice sacred listening and allow them to feel your unconditional presence. So I think I mentioned this before in the Shambhala community, which at that point was called badger Datu, what we would do when, when people were dying, is often just simply go into their hospice room, wherever they were, and simply just sit with them, just practice with them, just simply be with them. So very often that, like I mentioned earlier, that's one of the very best things we can do, because it's there. It's worth being stating it's there, transitioning. They're becoming more open, more porous. In this kind of narrative of mixing your mind with space becomes quite more literal here. And so as they become more porous and permeable, their identity, their structure, is actually dissolving more and more into the environment. And you can meet them in that space. You can mix your mind with theirs, because everything is becoming kind of delocalized in that regard. And so if you understand this, you have a lot more power than you think, just simply with the stability of your presence in your mind, back to Him, you will need all your skill and resources of sensitivity and warmth and loving compassion to enable them to reveal themselves. Sit there with your dying friend or relative as if he had nothing more important or enjoyable to do, as in all grave situations of life, two things are most useful, common sense approach and a sense of humor. Humor has a marvelous way of lightening the atmosphere, helping to put the process of dying in its true and universal perspective and breaking the over serious. And intensity of the situation,

but at the same time, you don't want to be patronizing and contrived along those lines, right? Artificial humor also doesn't go a long way authenticity. It's essential not to take anything too personally. This is a big one. This This was this is big because when people are losing it. They can unload on you when you least expect it. Dying people can make you the target of all their anger and blame, as Elizabeth Kubler Ross says, anger and blame can't can be displaced in all directions and projected onto the environment at times, almost at random. Yeah. So I reflected on this quite a bit, and to me, what makes sense to me is that you've heard me say this. You know, anger is is one of the most solidifying, reifying of all emotions. When you really think into the force of anger or or fear. These are two of the most concretizing, reifying, solidifying emotions. And makes a great deal of sense to me that when things are falling apart, some sometimes, one of the best ways to try to get Humpty, Dumpty back together again is actually anger. And so people can emote on you. I mean, they don't even have to be dying. They can be having a really hard time. They can be a really sick and they can unleash on you, because anger is a way for them to get themselves together. And you can be the so called beneficiary of this kind of reifying emotion, understanding that can bring a greater sense of empathy, understanding, compassion. They're losing everything, their home, relationships, body, even their mind. Who wouldn't feel sad, panicky or angry, they may feel that no one wants to comprehend their innermost needs. So look past the momentary upheavals and look in to their basic goodness. Yeah, this is where you have to use your kind of X ray vision, right? This is one is literally it's classically in the tradition. It's one of the sets of literally divine eyes, the capacity to cut through superficial parents and to see deeper into what's actually happening here. This applies at any psychological level, any spiritual level. Let that goodness guide you. That's actually a Buddha that is dying. As Joan Halifax says, we don't help Buddhists die. We help Buddhas die. That's nice. Don't forget their Buddha nature and avoid getting tripped up by the momentary outbursts. Okay? And here's a longer riff from him, yeah, sometimes you may be tempted to preach to the dying or to give them your own spiritual formula, or, you know, God forbid, Buddha forbid, read The Tibetan Book of the Dead. Don't do that unless it's in their advanced directive, unless it's in their dharma. Will just don't do it. Avoid this temptation. Absolutely no one wishes to be rescued with someone else's beliefs. Remember your task is not to convert anyone to anything, but to help the person in front of you get in touch with his or her own strength, confidence, faith and spirituality, whatever that might be. Of course, if the person is really open to spiritual matters and really wants to know what you think about them, don't hold back either. So this, again, is this, this incredible importance of really listening, not just with your ears, but with your whole being. Do not expect too much from yourself, or expect your help to produce miraculous results in the dying person or save them people. Will die as they have lived, right? What is Pamela's latest book? How you live is how you die. People will die as they have lived as themselves. Also don't be distressed if your help seems to be having very little effect on the dying person does not respond. We cannot know the deeper effects of our cure. So this brings into mind the we haven't really talked about this at all on any of my platforms. Maybe someday discussion of the mind training, the lojong slogans, the one that comes immediately to mind here is the one don't expect, expect applause. In other words, you just simply do what needs to be done without any sense of feedback, recognition. Anything you simply do what needs to be done. Don't expect applause. A dying person most needs to be shown as unconditional, above as possible, released from all expectations. Don't think you have to be an expert in any way. Be. Natural, be yourself, be a true friend, and the dying person will be assured, reassured that you are really with them, communicating with them, and as an equal, as one human being to another, imagine that you are on that bed. This is a good one. This is a wonderful practice of empathy, stage five Dream Yoga, by the way. Imagine that you are on the bed, that bed before you facing your death. Imagine that you are there in pain and alone. Then really ask yourself, what would you most need? What would you most like? What would you really wish for from the friend in front of you? You would find that what the dying person wants is what you would most want to be really loved and accepted. Simple. Simple doesn't mean easy. People who are sick, often long to be touched, to feel human. No one wants to be seen as a bag of disease. Remember the importance of physical holding environments. And so this, again, this, this, you know, this fundamental narrative, right? Proper holding, physical, psychological, spiritual levels. Now this doesn't mean we have to become, you know, overt palliative caregivers in the health arena. I mean, that's what the professionals are for, but the capacity of us to help them in a psycho spiritual way, for sure. Back to him, a great deal of consolation can be given simply by touching their hands, looking into their eyes, gently massaging them or holding them in your arms or breathing in the same rhythm gently with them. The body has its own language of love. Use it fearlessly, and you will bring and you will find you bring to the dying comfort and consolation reassure that person that that whatever he or she may be feeling, whatever his or her frustration and anger, it's normal. Dying will bring out many repressed emotions, sadness or numbness or guilt or even jealousy of those who are still well, this is, I mean, this is one thing that happens if you work in this world, you know, it's like everything comes up, right? The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. They're skeletons. They're going to come out. If there's deities, demons, they're going to come out. And so realizing, again, that is they're opening, you know, they're they're everything. So ventilating going to fall through these as the mind falls into itself. But all these aspects of their psycho spiritual kind of dimension can express itself, allow these waves of strong feelings to wash over you, and your stability will invite their own. Let me say that part again, your stability will invite their own. This is where they can actually be drawn to you, your stability, because you represent that which they are losing. So therefore your mere presence back to him. Don't try to be too wise. Don't always try to search for something profound, to say. You don't have to do or say anything to make things better, just be there as fully as you can. And if you are feeling a lot of anxiety and fear and don't know what to do, admit that openly to the dying person and ask his or her help. This honesty will bring you and the dying person closer together and help in opening up a freer communication. Sometimes, the dying know far better than we how they can be helped alike a lot all the time, and we need to know how to draw on their wisdom and let them give us. Let them give to us what they know. Cool, okay, telling the truth. Next section, when people are dying, they should be told so as quietly, as kindly, as sensitively and as skillfully as possible, that's not always easy. Most of the time, they know anyway, as kubara says, They sense it by the changed attention, by the new and different approach that people take to them, by the lowering of voices or avoidance of sounds, by the tearful face of a relative or ominous unsmiling member of the family who cannot hide his or her true feelings. End Quote, they seem to know instinctively and often count on us to confirm their intuitions. Kula Ross also says that people often have an inner alert system that warns them of their own death. And actually, if you go even deeper than this, you can start to

slight sidebar here. But this is why some skill and Dream Yoga can also come into play. Because, in fact, I think it's in Glen Mullins book. I don't know which one off the top of my head, maybe living in the face of death, he actually gives a series of classic dreams that are often a company that often portend impending end of life. And so you might want to take a look at that. I say this with a slight hesitation, because sometimes you know you can have a dream that may not be correlated to these, to this impending scenario whatsoever, and you could completely misinterpret it. But the idea here is is an interesting one, and Carl Jung actually said the same thing that that karma always ripens at the level of the unconscious mind first. And where did dreams take place in the unconscious mind? This is why, very often you have these precognitive dreams on the like and so a really sensitive relationship to your dream world can help you gain a sense of what's actually happening in advance, they need to prepare to say goodbye and to deal with practical issues. Rinpoche says, quote, I believe dying to be a great opportunity for people to come to terms with their whole lives. We are really giving them the chance to prepare and define their own powers of strength and the meaning of their lives. And so again, everything that I'm talking about here, why wait till you're on your deathbed? That's really the point. Do it now. Do all this stuff now. Then when this happens, let's just becomes the most graceful, like natural thing, death is not a defeat, just a very graceful transition, if you approach it properly. We think we're protecting the person who is dying by not telling them, but we're probably trying to protect ourselves. For many people, death is almost an embarrassment, a failure, the ultimate defeat. Right? Remember, Toynbee. Death is unAmerican. Jack lamaine, I can't die. Remember the fitness guru, this is probably my favorite. I can't die. It would wreck my image. That's actually pretty hysterical, but it's more accurately, a time of truth, a time to face reality. Codependent denial does not honor reality. Don't underestimate the dying person's capacity to face things squarely. There is power in acknowledging reality. Nothing cuts through egos, games and hurls you more directly into reality than death or contemplating deaths. Remember, this is the supreme contemplation. Remember, allegedly the Buddha of all footprints. Footprint of the elephant is the deepest and most supreme all contemplations, contemplations on impermanence and death are the deepest and most of grain. So take these principles and apply them. Now, frame your life. Now live your life from these kind of what's the term principles? Now, die. Now, fear is about dying. Being around DYING PEOPLE WILL almost force you to establish a relationship with your own fears about death. If you really want to help someone who is dying, especially with your fear of death, you have to relate to your own trepidations. Oh, boy. This is the big one, right? This is so huge. I mean the importance, the centrality working with fear on the meditative path, especially in the barter literature, is monumental. By becoming familiar with your own fears and developing fearlessness, you will naturally convey that fearlessness to the dying person. So I can tell you from my own personal experience, you know, I work a fair amount with with people who are transitioning. I've done it for many, many years, and obviously I've been studying and practicing this stuff for decades. And I can tell you that, I mean a type of, kind of not hubris, but just a type of confidence that's born because the storylines between us may be different, but the nature of the mind is the same. And so as the mind falls into itself at death, that's what's actually happening. And you've fallen, if you've done the work in advance, and your mind just fallen into itself. And with all these preparatory means, you will understand what this person you may not understand exactly what they're going through with their disease process, which is why it's helpful to learn about their disease, by the way, but you will understand where they are, where they're going, and in so doing, you can bring a really, a legitimate sense of confidence and ease conveyed by your understanding, by your confidence. This is a big deal. I mean, I've been around quite a few. Masters, meditation masters, that come in to give some parting advice or just be with people as they're transitioning. And I've learned so much about the absolute, unflappable certainty and conviction they have when people are transitioning. I mean, they never flip out, they never wake out. I mean, they're they're so stable, they're so centered, because they have a very, very deep understanding of where this person is going. And you can have that type of certainty and that stability, and that's massive when everything else right, like we're just Kipling, you rid your Kipling's bone if right, if you can hold your seat while those around you are losing theirs and blaming it on you. This is no small thing. This is a big gift, both around end of life or basically around Bardo experiences now and things are really challenging now. I

Your fearlessness is contagious. It can provide exactly what the dying person and those around you need, the confidence to relax and let go right. What are we afraid of? We're always afraid of what we don't know, ignorance. We're afraid of the dark. We're afraid of ignorance. Ignorance can be transformed into wisdom. That's what the Bardo teachings are all about. Imagine the anxiety and fear that may be screaming through the dying person, the fear of pain, suffering and dignity, dependence, meaninglessness, separation, the unknown, of losing control, of being forgotten. We leave this world alone, and fear heightens the sense of isolation, the quote from him, but when someone keeps company with you and talks of his or her own fears, then you realize fear is universal, and the edge the personal pain is taken off of it, your fears are brought back to the human and universal context, then you are able to understand, be more compassionate, and deal with your own fears in a much more positive and inspiring way. End quote. And so again, there's this narrative of openness, again, right? Mountains into molehills. Moles molehills into mountains. So as the mind gets small, problems get big. Mind gets big. Problems get small. So all the challenges around any situation, but end of life is when the mind shrinks, gets small. Then everything is exaggerated. But if you have a big mind, a big heart, open, open, open, and remind yourself like, what at least 160,000 people are going to die the same day you die, let alone countless trillions of other sentient life forms in the animal kingdom. And you realize it's just the natural, cosmic play. You're just entering it one more time. It's no big deal, no big deal, unless you make it one. Our lives are lived with the unconscious motivation to avoid fear. Yeah, it's the primordial emotion of samsara. Why? Because it's the affective expression of ignorance. It's ubiquitous. It's the primordial emotion of samsara, that from that from which all other samsaric emotions arise. Now at last, we have the opportunity to face it directly, defend it and transform it so little insertion here. This is another reason why I'm really big into this dark retreat business, again, right? Another reason I may do it such a big way you really want to work with your fear go into the dark. What does darkness represent? Darkness? I mean, what does death represent? That is just, you know, the penultimate, dark retreat at the end of life, so the the maximum, follow your fear. Use anxiety, disquietude, fear and anxiety as markers, perhaps invitations you really want to grow in this life. Follow your fear. See, I told you this part was going to go faster. We spent so much time earlier. So we're clipping here, which is cool, unfinished business. Many people suffer from a sense of unfinished business. This is totally my dad. It was actually kind of, you know, I mean, Funny isn't the right word, but it was when he was transitioning. We took him from a hospital, you know, he said it's time to go home. We encouraged it. And for was there for that week as he was transitioning out, and every day was like, gotta get the plumber, got to get the roof fix, got to get I mean, it was like, all this stuff, all level was actually kind of, it was sweet in a bittersweet kind of way. But, you know, it was like, you know, you want, it was take, he's looking out for us, actually, I think, you know, he wanted all the stuff taken care of before he left, and so I remember very clearly, I was just, I literally was holding him as he died, and as he's taking his last breath. I said a couple things, but one of the things I said at the beginning was, dad, everything's good. We got the plumbing fixed. The roof is fixed. Everything's fixed. We're going to miss you, but everything's fixed. You're good to go. Yes and yes, indeed, this is partly why the Bardo of letting go is painful. Sometimes this feeling comes from unfinished practical matters as mundane as the roof needing to be fixed, like Yeah, like my dad. But most unfinished business is emotional, the dissonance of unra unresolved relationships. Quote from him, usually unfinished business is the result of blocked communication. When we have been wounded, we often become very defensive, always arguing from a position of being right and blindly refusing to see the other person's point of view, or there's some truth there. End quote, most of us would rather be right than intimate. Isn't that true? But death invites intimacy and the truth it is born from it. We should strive for intimacy and truth, first with ourselves and then with others. I mean, is this? This is just a manual for living, right? I mean, this has his book, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. Is there anything that we haven't talked about in the last 40 minutes that doesn't apply to life? This is an instruction manual for how to live. How you live is how you die. So take these things and practice them. Now, practice all these principles now. Get these good habits into your system, and then these habits take good control, good care of you. This is one of the great gifts of death and of a life spent preparing for it. So try to resolve unfinished business before you no longer have the chance to do so. It can ease the burden on your mind and help you glide through the bar. That's right. So this is what makes a graceful exit. A mind is open, free, open awareness. Mind, nothing sticks. Nothing sticks. What's an ungraceful exit on any level, sticky mind, grasping mind, retro you know, retrogressive mind, all things you can practice now, giving hope and finding forgiveness. I would like to again Rinpoche. I would like to single out two points, and giving spiritual health to the dying, giving hope and finding forgiveness. Always, when you are with a dying person, dwell on what they have accomplished and done well, help them to feel as constructive and as happy as possible about their lives. Concentrate on their virtues and not their failings. People who are dying are frequently extremely vulnerable to guilt, regret and depression, allow the person to express these freely, listen to the person and acknowledge what he or she says at the same time where appropriate, be sure to remind the person of his or her Buddha nature or peace of goodness, and encourage the person to try to rest In the nature of mind through the practice of meditation, especially remind the person that pain and suffering are not all that he or she is. Find the most skillful and sensitive way possible to inspire the person and give him or her hope. So rather than dwelling on his or her mistakes, the person can die in a more peaceful frame of mind. So what comes to my end quote? So what comes to mind here is, again, the importance of this, of this reallocation of identity, this transfer of identity from outer body. The more we identify with this outer body, which is what fundamentally ego is, the more we're going to suffer when that body ages of crumbles and falls apart. So a deep part of spiritual practice is transitioning reallocation, or resources, so to speak, from this outer superficial dimension, literally, literally living on the surface of ourselves, and then transitioning to these more inner dimensions. That's exactly what the death journey has make that journey now loosen your grip on externality, loosening your grip on forms, gross or subtle, transition more and more into these formless dimensions, exactly what's going to happen when you die and then the process happens just so naturally, ungraceful. It's just not a big deal if we attach exclusively to outside form. Yeah, that's ungraceful. Likes it because we're sticking to materiality, to form, to physicality. That's that's makes things tricky. Let go. Now transition, transition to formless dimensions of the subtle body, and then the absolute formless dimensions of the innermost, very subtle body. That's the indestructible continuum, the Machik particularly, that's what continues. That's what doesn't die, because it was never born. That's what you want to transition. Transition into the infinite field of subjectivity, mind at large. That's who you really are. Make that transition now, glide into that then at the moment of death. It's just like nobody knew giving in as many forms is one of the best. Environments to create around death. Create a sense of service to the die, give to them, help the dying person, their loved ones and loved ones, and to give in to the natural process of transition and help the dying person their loved ones to forgive, encourage the dying person to release their grudges and to erase any lingering resentment. I can't do it now, they might be able to contact the person where hard feelings remain, or to write a message that helps them forgive. Forgiveness is about letting go. It's the way to live and die with grace. It's never too late to forgive and to benefit from this form of release. From Rinpoche,

the moment of death has a grandeur, solemnity and finality that can make people re examine all their attitudes and be more open and ready to forgive when before they could not bear to even at the very end of a life, the mistakes of a lifetime can be undone. Yeah, high five. High 50108. Well, that's it. That's a very auspicious page. You should definitely pause on page 108 sacred page. So let's see here. Yeah, 2223 i Yeah. So in my spirit of not trying to just charge ahead, one question was piped in. But this is a time, or, you know, really any topic offerings, if somebody works in the end of life care and wants to make an offering about their experience around any of these principles, or wants to share anything else. Now's the time to do it. But there was one question that came in and otherwise feel free. I'll check the chat column feel free to ask anything. So let me see here. Okay, from Cynthia at the end of the class, when we dedicate merit, can we please use Andrew's dedication all you sentient beings? Yes, I'll tell you where that is. I just love this, and we'll be singing right along with it. Okay, so, yeah. So this dedication is not mine. This dedication that you're mentioning Cynthia comes from my teacher, Kempo Rinpoche, and I, here's one reason I don't do these sorts of things. Because while you know, a number of people who are listening to this program have Buddhist orientations, this is not about this. This class isn't really Buddhist in that sense. And so I am just a tad bit sensitive. I mean, I can share this because you asked for it. I try to be a little bit sensitive to these sorts of things so that it doesn't feel like I'm just trying to kind of stuff, this stuff down your throat, but this particular dedication to merit, I do like it a ton. All you sentient beings I have a good or bad connection with when you have left this confused dimension, when you be can may you be born in the west of sukkotti, and when you're born there complete the boomies and the paths. So this is a wonderful brief dedication the Kemper Rinpoche, who was my main one of my main teachers shared with us it's basically a way to tie it into the Pure Land principles. So when, when I do my pure land programs, yes, this is something I do at the end of every Pure Land session. But again, since this isn't overly directed to pure lands, and I try to be a little bit sensitive to these sorts of things, I think the dedication and what's most important is to use whatever comes to your own mind and heart that opens you up and offers to others. So there you have it, but it's lovely. I do it. It really speaks to me, but it may not speak to others. Okay, so let me just see if there's anything here.

Oh, yeah,

yeah. Fire away, Alyssa,

oh, I was just gonna say I haven't seen anything come in through the chat. So yeah, I'm just taking

a look here. One load slug, don't thank all of others and take pleasure thinking about their weaknesses. Sounds better. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. You know the the low John slogans, maybe someday we should do a full blown dive into these, the 59 Mind Training slogans. These are remarkable. I'm sure a number of you are listening here. Have had some opportunity to work with them. They're so amazing, and they're incredibly applicable. Applicable. You know, they're they were brought into the Buddhist arena by yatisha dipankara. And what's interesting is, you know, this is hundreds of years ago, and you realize how utterly applicable these slogans are for this day and age. Surface structures change, but the nature of the human condition and whatnot doesn't really seem to change a whole. Lot, and that's why these teachings kind of perennial teachings, perennial philosophy has applicability in this modern age. So the low junk slogans are amazing. Hey, Steph, unmute yourself, dear. And then I saw something come in here.

Hi, there, hi, wow. I thought there'd be someone before me. Thank you. Oh, boy, two things. We'll see if we have time for both or just one. The first one is, so I have this friend, she's, she's has a cancer. It's been going on for a couple few years now, and she's not, at the moment, dying, but it's stage three. Doesn't look great, and she's, you know, sensitive to the topic, and she's going through a lot of difficulty related to Treatment and prognosis. She's the one I went. I went to her doctor, right? Okay, so I have two other close friends, and they have a view of something which I wanted to run by you. It's a lot. You just read a lot in this ballpark. I've lost four I've lost four people this year. One I just lost, just passed away in May, and she was someone I knew from when I was 12. And I have not told this currently ill friend that that I love, that this person passed away. I haven't made any real active withholding of telling her, but I've been sort of conscious and not sure what to do and to these two girlfriends of mine, who I've run it by, both of them say the same thing. They say, Oh, you know, don't tell her like they want to protect her, like I'm not. I shouldn't share that. I lost his other friend because, like she'll identify, you know, like they want to protect her in some way. And I understand that, and I've done nothing so far and there, and there hasn't been, I haven't actively lied or anything like that, but there is a part of me that's a little uncomfortable, um, I'm not really sure what's right to do. I understand protecting her, maybe that's important at the same time, like I don't want to be a false self of myself with her either. I also think and and I haven't been, I just, I just can see that there could be a point, and actually, someone else passed away. I didn't tell her about an earlier person. Is it right or not? I don't know how to feel out what's right in terms of telling someone who is struggling with the idea of her own death. And we talked about some of that, I she's been listening to this Pema Chodron thing this year that that I had signed her up for and and I do it to with her, not actively with but we both do it and just just for conversation, you know, just to, I don't know, just as a gift of some sort, and but anyway, otherwise I'm just her friend. So I'm not sure if there's any view on this. What's your view?

Yeah, you know, this is, I can only speak for myself here. These are, these are questions I think that really have to be felt into and looked into deeply. So I'm not telling you that what's the right thing to do, to do for you, but I do have this maxim that I abide by quite a bit these days, when in doubt, leave it out. That's just me, leave it out. Yeah. And so, you know, as a form of investigation, you might want to just explore your motivations, like, what would be your motivation in sharing? What would, what would be your motivation and not sharing? And so I hesitate to say more. Oh, you know, you should do this. You should do that. I think it's really about touching into yourself, touching into the environment. But in this camp, I would tend to agree with your two friends. That's just the way I roll. Yeah, when in doubt, leave it out. That's just me.

Okay. So far, that's what I've been doing, and I just wasn't sure with some of this. So okay, I appreciate that. And then the second thing, my mom is in the hospital right now. She went in emergency this morning, three in the morning. I don't think she's at this moment, dying, or I would be there, not here, but, but, I guess, I guess I kind of want to say thank you, because she was in emergency. I took her. It was a whole thing in November. Remember, and I don't know if you remember, I shared this in a PDP thing, and you were like, I was broken. I mean, lost. It makes me want to cry just to think about it, but I it was really helpful how you kind of like, held space for me in my broken space, then I felt like I was in a Bardo and I had no ground. And I didn't know I was so terrified, because I had to get so many things in place on her behalf that I was did not know, aside from just being there for her, which being there for her, in some ways, was the was the easiest part, but everything else I had to deal with was overwhelming. So I want to tell you that that was super helpful at the time. I could release, I could release a lot of the anxiety at the time. What I want to say, the reason I'm thinking of that now is that in this moment, in this situation, I've put a whole lot of things in place with regard to her, to give stability to her life, and to care that's around her on a regular basis and and I as well, am around her on a regular basis, But but also to supplement so that, like, I've put a lot in place, and here we are. It's not as terrifying as it was then, but it's been terrifying it's not and it's not the first time since then, but here we are. You have this tonight, so it's coming to me, but I gotta say, I've been able to stay more stable myself this time in the middle of it. And it's not that I don't have emotions coming up. They do, and I have moments of freaking out, but I'm I'm just getting a little better at just taking the one next thing I need to do, talking to the end the doctors think I'm saying, which is very funny. They're like, well, you're really stable and really like, it's, you know, I'm just like, thinking, God, they only knew, but it's just interesting. I would never think I could be stable right now, but I'm okay, and I don't know. I think I thank you. It's a thank you and an observation. And I know that this may not be what it is in two hours when I find out something else, but I needed to share that Well, I

appreciate that. Thank you so much, Stefan, and best wishes with you and your mom through the through the journey, and realize you know we all have this inner strength and stability within us. And so in this notion of holding holding environment, it's holding ourselves properly as well. So you hold your state of mind where you are now. You accept it. You don't repress, you don't indulge. You simply accept what arises, and if that comes apart a little bit later, and there's a different manifestation to which you attend, the label, losing it. Well, then what do you do? You relate and you hold on, not hold on to that. You hold that also in Shamala language, I love the term hold it in the cradle of loving kindness. And so then this, this natural, this can become, then a practice. And this isn't to make the whole thing clinical, but it actually it is the capacity to bring a kind of practice mind, practice heart, which is one of stability and openness. And so we can use that these situations. And again, I use all these terms and quotations, we can engage these situations with a practice mind, and then that actually cultivates it, shares it with others, and it's another benefit to us. So thank you so much for sharing that. I really appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you all the best. Thank you, dear. So there was, let me just check here. There's one that popped in from Tim, letting go can be so difficult, especially letting go of ourselves. I would just like to know that our consciousness goes on Well, good news, bad news. Tim, your consciousness doesn't go on. So don't mean to pop the bubble there. Bud, something goes on, but it's not you. And so yes, something, some thing continues. It's not a thing, and that thing isn't you, but it's the deepest you, if you use Hindu language, it's the big U, the big S, that's what does continue. So, yes, consciousness, you know, mind, whatever you want to call it, that awareness, fundamentally, that does continue. But unfortunately, my friend, you don't. But actually, take a look at your experience right now. You're not continuing even now. There's just the illusion of continuity, and so we seem to have this sense of stable sense of identity going through our experience. But if you take a very close look, that's actually not what's happening. So I just wanted to throw that into the mix. Hey, Orlando, meet yourself, dear.

Oh. Hi, Andrew, yeah, hi, hi. Thank you so much. I really wanted to say thank you, and because especially tonight I had, I've sort of been carrying this sense of failure, of not being there fully for the death of my father, being there for him and for a couple of other friends because of my own anxiety about performing and doing the right thing and being, you know, the right whatever, and but still being full of fear and of loss. And recently, a friend of mine I embarked on a medical assistant dying, and so I was I was through there, not at the very end with him, but through that process. And he's very dear friend, and my very last moment with him was him being angry because I came into the room to give him one last kiss goodbye, and he was on the phone, and so I felt but you know what you were saying tonight makes so much sense about anger and, you know, fear and all the rest of it. And at my age, there are many more to come, if I'm lucky, I will be the person. So I really want to thank you for this, this book and these readings. Thank you

for sharing that. Yeah, thank you. I really appreciate that. You know, the more we can remember, really it's so true, the more we can raise our gaze and remember essence of spiritual practices, remembrance that this is, this is the most natural thing in the world. You know, it may be unwanted from an egoic point of view, but if you just raise your gaze and look at, I mean, we're living, I mean, 108 billion people, they estimate, have have lived and died on this planet, right? And there's this transition, this churn, is taking place constantly, and so we just relax into this, just an incredibly natural thing. Billions upon billions of people, let alone sentient beings, have done this before us, billions upon billions will do so after us. That's just on this planetary system. Goodness, what's happening and throughout this universe or in other dimensions. And so we just raise our gaze. That's what I always do when things get hard, just look up, literally look up into the sky, raise your gaze. It's amazing how mountains return back to molehills if you just reframe them again. This is the notion of holding again, holding it properly, holding it in a bigger space. But thank you so much for sharing that. Okay, my friend Richard, and then maybe we'll call it for today. Always nice to see you, Richard. Unmute yourself.

Well, as you know, Andrew, I've done hospice for canal for probably 20 years, and I've sat with a lot of people, and I consider it a great honor. And probably one of the most sacred things I can do is be with a person at this point in their lives, and whenever I go into a room to be with someone, I say a little prayer, I guess you'd say to myself, where I just affirm that whatever I do or say will be for the benefit of those in this room. I'm not in there at all. I'm there as a way, as a facilitator to let them do what they need to do to make their transition decent. And so I think a couple of things that I do is I listen a lot, speak little. And really I think, like you've you've hit the points I think, Andrea and what you've said to be present in the room for someone and show the confidence that what's about to happen to them is a very beautiful thing, whether you ever say the words or not just the confidence that everything's going to be okay, really can settle people down. I don't know how many times I've walked into a room and there's five or 10 people in the room with them, and there's the person dying, and they're all by themselves, because everybody's so busy processing their own thoughts and ego and all that piece that the person themselves is very lonely, yeah, in the middle of all these people, yeah. And so just as advice, please do this for the benefit of the person that's in transition, and that's your sole reason for being there, and it's one of the sweetest gifts sometimes I ever give. And in many cases, the family came and thanked me, or even the person before they died. You didn't say much, but you were here with me the whole time, yeah, and so I very much believe in some breath work or whatever, I mean, doesn't matter, but try to align your spirit with what's going on. There's, there's a process called in training. Is anyone familiar with the one I know Sandra would be? Okay, so that to me is I found to be one of my most useful tools, was to sit and pace the breathing of the person in the breath. And you actually get very aligned with them when you do that. And then I recall my favorite, one of my favorites, and poets, and it says not knowing is most intimate. So when I'm in a not knowing space of what to do or how to do it, all of a sudden everything's becomes very intimate, because you're being humble enough to allow spirit, or the beloved, as I call it to be with you in this process. And magic happens. And you say, Wow, I can't believe that happened. I have 100 times I had nothing to do with it. I don't own that at all myself. It's just the magic of being together and connected at the heart and just expressing support. I've got your back, yeah, and that's all. You don't even have to say much. And the other thing I would say, one of the things that people really like is they're beginning to move in transition. At times, it's not always true, is to touch them. I actually get massage oil. I'll take the person's hands and cover it with massage oil and sit and just rub their hands. Yeah, their feet, early on is fine, but it draws the energy down, and you want it up more towards the top, but you can always do their hands. It's one of the most nonverbal ways of communicating that someone is with touch, especially, you know, in transitions, that's just a couple thoughts, yeah, Richard, that's

beautiful. Thank you so much. Really wonderful, wonderful set of comments. I'm very, very grateful. And what you said at the end, I want to put an exclamation point on that. You know, people don't want to appear like a bag of disease and a bag of death, and so like, when the like you mentioned the people that were there, they couldn't relate. They weren't in contact with the person, because they're dealing with their own stuff that's incredibly common, and actually touching the person and making physical contact with them in this way is a huge thing, because then they realize, hey, I'm still embodied. I'm still in this form. Don't look at me as death incarnate, and make contact with me on these deepest Jewish levels. So really, well said, My dear friend. Thank you so much for the work you do, and thank you for sharing what you just did. Really helpful. Just wonderful. Okay, one last thing here from premdas, and then we'll go for today. Please share your experience, your recollections of Kempo Rinpoche, who just passed What convinced you that he was highly awakened? What convinced me that he was awakened was exactly what Richard just expressed. It wasn't what Rinpoche said, even though he was an incredible, brilliant logician and master majamika scholar, what convinced me, what he what that he was awake, was how kind he was, how compassionate he was, how loving he was, that that's when, you know, when someone's awake. So look at Richard, and you'll know what awakening looks like. That's what Kempo rivice looked like. So all the best to you. Will dedicate our merit. Remember whatever way works for you, send out whatever we've done here for the benefit of all sentient beings. We have much more power than we think, and we can continue our collective romp in this magnificent dream. And I'll be back on track with you for another episode of the book study group in two weeks. How are everybody so great to see you all bye, bye, bye.