Ask A Sex Geek: Hacking + Human Sexuality
2:53AM Jul 31, 2020
Good evening everyone watching around the world. Welcome back to hackers on planet Earth, 2020. The COVID edition. As a reminder, this following discussion, we'll be discussing about sex, sexuality. So please, if you do not. If you do not wish to view this content, we'll be glad to see you after this discussion. This is where you get to ask a sex geek about hacking and human sexuality. Do you have a burning question about sex curious about making your own silicone sex toys, not sure about the difference between biological sex and gender, wondering about dating and digital spaces are two hosts are the ones said, you can ask about this. Dr kits Stubbs is a non binary queer femme maker entrepreneur and head of the ethink Foundation who is more interested in people than in tech, and escex lar is a self proclaimed FOSS leader, leading the conversation on the intersection of sex work and sex tech on her podcast. Thought Leader podcast. th ot. We're going to start with a short video after that we'll be glad to ask the questions that you submit in the chat, there is an anonymous form as well if you do not wish your questions to be publicly in that channel that is just, again, for conference attendees. And let's take away the video.
Hello hope 2020 Welcome to Ask a sex geek. Today's space that we're holding so you can ask questions about hacking and human sexuality. I'm Dr Kip Stubbs my pronouns are they, them, I am the founder and executive director of the foundation for sex positivity and I'm here today with sex nor.
Hello everyone. My name is escex Noir. I am the self proclaimed thought leader of sex technology. I help navigate people I help people navigate intersections of sex work and sex technology. I am the host of a thought leader Podcast. I am the Vice President of the women of sex technology, and my pronouns are she in her.
All right. So, in terms of background right I this is now my fourth hope I think, Oh my goodness. This is a sex is first I'm very excited to have her here with me today. So we're open to asking questions about a lot of different things, I can talk about you know my experiences making toys, my experience as a person with disabilities navigating sex and sexuality I can talk about being non binary. I can talking, talk about having a sex positive nonprofit as what are what are some of the other things you're interested in chatting about today.
Um, well, I'm, I am the jack of all trades, the horror of all trades I guess they like to say I navigate everything, the intersections of sex work. So how that's such an umbrella term and the many things that embodies, and also someone who navigates the sex industry so the writing and education component as well, anything that has to do with tech philosophy or how we navigate tech and design and Human Centered Design. And I also am from Missouri. I'm a Midwestern girl. and I am m identify and I navigate the internet a lot so I'm an expert in that. And what else. Yeah, that's probably a good start. Sorry, but both of us are from
Missouri actually so we got your question. Mm hmm. Kansas City area for me.
Oh my god no me too.
liked you so much.
So we clearly if you if you want to talk about what it takes to get out of Missouri. And you
know, and establish a love life somewhere else. We could probably both talk about that. So, a couple ground rules which all may be familiar with that I'm going to say the main thing as we so we're going to try to have this conversation we recognize that unfortunately there are not very many spaces that we have as adults, really at any time of life to just have respectful conversations about sex and by respectful. What I mean is, we're going to try to have this conversation without sexualizing me, or a sex or anybody else that we're talking about. What do I mean by sexualizing people. So Captain awkward has this term called pants feelings. It is the best term I totally recommend her blog. But what that means that we're not going to be sharing pants feelings today if you think something is hot, or you think something is kinky and cool. That's great. We're not the people to be sharing that with right now. But you're our here we're going to be trying to answer your questions as best we can. And yeah, this is we're trying to make a safer space to have the kind of conversations that we don't normally get to have. So, with that said, the URL so this is largely going to be a conversation driven by you, our lovely audience, the URL to go to is toy maker project.com slash hope to zero to zero. So that's my website twin maker project. COMM slash hope 2020. That's where you'll be able to submit your questions that we're going to talk about so in just a minute we'll be switching over to the live stream start getting those questions flowing, and let's get things rolling.
we're ready. We're ready to go. Be on the flip side.
Welcome back. and welcome back end with us in the live stream, our doctor kit stubs, and sx noir kit aspects Noir. Welcome to help 2020. Hello, thanks for having us. Great. So, as q&a we are going to get into some of the questions that have been asked, and for folks that wish to ask anonymously there should be a QR code on the screen. Now, that will link to a forum for an anonymous question submission.
So Kitt. Can you introduce us to the bear. We really wanted to know about him last talk but you ran out of time.
I know, right, um, the funny thing is so here's the thing about these bear this bear. So this bears from Costco, it turns out every so often Costco has a really great deal on giant teddy bears and we have, how many do we have it like 12 or 13 of these that live in our living room, that are the furniture. So it's like does it have a name no because there's like 12 of them and I can't like I couldn't keep them apart.
So that I guess is fair pod be 14 or something. Yes, but make
So slightly more on topic question, a long time, we've heard about adult onyx in various venues for those who don't know what that is, that is, remote sex toys basically right.
Is it still the future or is the hype already turned out of it.
Oh sex you want to start on that on that one.
Um, Yeah, you're supposed to be the expert on.
Now you go you go. I mean,
I think, I think there is still a lot of ground to cover. Right. Um, if you look at like butt plug IO, there's still so many toys like so many toys to hack so many interfaces to connect it to other interfaces. Um, I was just seeing a group talking about like there's folks doing machine learning on edging right so you can automatically detect, like when someone is getting close to orgasm like there's, there's still a lot to be done. Folks are starting to do more and more with VR. I can't speak to that like I don't have a VR setup so I can't speak to that myself too much but like I know that is still like that's absolutely a thing and people, people are doing. Yeah render man is in the is in the chat, by the way. Cheers to run around we love him. Dude, all kinds of stuff about internet dogs and sec security so. Oh yeah. Um, I think there if you, if you get out there there's there's absolutely so lots of cool stuff going on and I think, again, as, as we keep seeing computing power getting cheaper and smaller and faster, just means more cool potential sexy things you can do.
so Oh yeah, I have lots of hope for the future.
Now, on that same vein, if I recall correctly something you mentioned there were patents that were made that were limiting that field at the last hope now has there been a significant increase in new products on the market. Since those patents expired.
Oh, that's a great question, significant. I'm like, well, so my head is mostly been like a lot now I will say a lot of my attention is going to my nonprofit these days so I haven't been tracking the toys. As much as I have been but like we're still seeing like more and more new things come out, and it's great that there is now one fewer barrier to folks who want to get in. Okay.
The, the online, the adult entertainment industry has been shifting a lot to internet based deliveries sites like for example you porn. What is your opinion about this shift. I mean, it seems democratizing but is it any better for sex workers.
Um, I'm sorry, what was the exact question.
So the question is, if the shift of delivery to internet based platforms has been has been, I mean, it seems democratizing, but is it helpful for sex workers, what is your opinion on this.
Oh, yeah. Um, I mean, I think, I think to ask if better delivery means better for sex workers, I think.
Who's to say,
you know, sex workers have always source their items however they needed so I, I'm not sure there's an exact connections, those, those two things.
Well yeah, and I feel it's tough right because yay porn on the internet, but what that means is you get sites that make a living by people uploading clips of porn stars
for free. Yeah.
Oh. Oh, I thought it was a sex toy Question No you're talking about, um, I like the question I'm sorry.
No worries. I mean,
but yeah like so if you've got like tube sites right that are that are making their money, a lot of it in videos that like aren't like the people aren't paying for right you're getting if you're getting free porn on the internet that means a porn porn sex workers not getting paid.
Oh, I see. What
good. It's like, I appreciate that there's more content available because that means people can see like the more things you can see the more ideas you can get the more things you can learn about yourself and your own sexuality Yay, but the ways in which that can rip off sex workers is not cool. So you know pay for.
Yeah, I don't know, I, I still am a bit confused on what the question is. But if we're speaking about porn and the availability of porn. You know, it's safe to say that the way that we consume porn today and in our in our capitalist society is not the way that people have always navigated pornography. There was once upon a time, just like, just like the music industry that you used to go and buy an actual DVD an actual physical item which would, in return have a lot more money for the talent and star in these in these productions. And so what we're seeing now with the internet culture now in tube sites is not only revenge porn and scraping of people's paid content but we're also just seeing a rapid sharing of narratives that can be can be very violent, and that can be very harmful. And they, you know, the data collected around these tube sites, it just continues to push these narratives that, oh, you know stepsister fucking stepfather is like something that we should be seeing consistently over, you know, if you go to a major tube site you don't even have, you know, it's just go to X videos go to these different sites, when you look on the first page I mean there's some things in there that it's just kind of very problematic and very disturbing and so I think what's it's definitely all about a problem I'm not a big fan of tube sites and I don't think that that's the way that we should be engaging with pornography and that's not the way that we always have, you know, so I think that we have a lot of room to change that.
Okay. Um, what would be the best way for somebody to consume such content online because a lot of services are hit or miss. Do you think something like only fans would be a good option.
Yeah, so that's a good question. You know, I definitely talk a lot about upward mobility of sex workers through adult content and I do believe that the best way to engage with pornography is buying directly from the source directly from the buyer, and only fans is a great platform to do that with that in that same breath I do believe that sex workers who say more equity within the platform that they help uplift and build, because you know the the worth of only fans has gone exponentially but sex workers are not the people who are going to have upward mobility. That. So I think that while it's great to have sites like only fans I give people access I mean millions upon millions upon millions have been paid out to performance, which I think is absolutely amazing and brilliant. But we have to think about who owns these sites and who is overall gaining generational wealth from creating websites that benefit from the use of sex workers. Yeah.
Okay. Now, as far as sexuality relationships go. What do you say to people that try to D legitimize D legitimize relations with trans people in the context of one's own sexuality, like, for instance, saying that. Oh, like, let's say that a cisgender male is attracted to a trans male, and they try and say, Oh, I'm not really gay I mean, for this person, as a, as one of these examples that I could think of.
do you want to do you want to start on that one you're. You seem to be having some feels
no kid, I want you to answer this all I can say is that this is a safe space to ask such questions as it is asked to speak with the inherent asked me about questions, read it in extreme transphobia, and it just makes me just cringe. But this is why we're having a good time we're going to go into it, we're going to explain what's going on and Kitt, I'm gonna have you take that take that read, so.
So here's the thing right my general.
My general take is that, trying to tell someone else what their identity is is not cool like just, just don't do it, like, you know, I, if some do like if there's a Cisco guy who's dating a trans guy. And like, it's kind of between them, how they want to like, say if I look at them and it's like well if this guy kind of depends on how this guy identifies right maybe he's by grade, you know, or pan or just queer or you know if he's gay like to me. If I looked at a sis guy and a trans guy I'd be like I might just not knowing anything about, oh that's a cute gay couple, you know, if this guy like. The thing is, like, I'm not gonna trying to tell someone like trying to tell someone well you know you're dating another guy, so you're gay is not helpful. Like, just not gonna get you anywhere like just don't like it's just not know.
So, yeah, I'm hoping that this question comes from a place of truly deeply trying to understand and I think that, you know, this is can be a moment of self learning and self navigation of maybe potentially finding some context around the experience of transgender people and understanding that you know slapping labels on people's experiences like Peter said is just kind of not not necessarily the best way to navigate it and so while we can you know nitpick male sex female sex female presenting gender male position gender and all the matchups that we labeled that in our world. We're definitely moving toward a world that is a bit more gender fluid and that's a bit more sexually fluid and so if this is coming. If this question is coming from a place of concern around the stigma of dating transgender people. You know I just, I hope that you can navigate some self education around it, because there's some really great people out there doing that work. So,
So the person that asked the question and makes imagine that for clarification. How do they respond to individuals, saying that about their relationships. So it's not.
I wish I could tell you that but unfortunately that's just one of those hard things that doesn't really have a script or an answer. I would just say start from a mutual place of understanding and to your best ability, you know, communicate how you feel but if you feel like you're engaging in a harmful conversation a violent conversation. You don't have to talk to that person. You know, you can just kind of not talk to them. And that sucks as well I understand, but yeah.
Okay. Now, following up on, sorry about that. I'm following up on the question about telltale dice What about VR systems and haptic systems. Is there any decent stuff out there I remember seeing a sex oriented conference a few years ago that I met Dr stubs out that there were some insertable devices that were studied with electrodes to allow for example, and external toy to relay sensations.
Unfortunately I don't think that project ever got off the ground. It is a real bummer. It was a really cool idea.
And also, in terms of, but in terms of VR current state of the art VR and haptic systems. Is there any interesting stuff being done with this that you're aware of.
Yeah, Bianca sex toys. Yeah.
So, I will just going back in a second. There was a private message that was relayed that suggested using that particular crowdfunding platform for for sex toys which, as
Kickstarter Indiegogo have started to get a bit better. And, again, but
yeah on the face, they're not very supportive of anything sex related just like a lot of fundraising, anything connected to FinTech tends to be
Speaking of which, I'm wondering if like other independent platforms perhaps something like, like crowd supply that's more open source oriented might be interested in such items
being crowdfunded and along that same vein.
Do you. I mean, one would think that perhaps the sex industry might be interested in more open standards like some kind of platform that has open standards for communicating safe haptic and feed back information is there is there any evidence of the sex and of the adult, the adult toy industry. Attempting such standards, or are they trying to silo everything.
So, I mean, I think there are a few different explain it I'm not entirely sure what sort of mainstream mainstream is doing. But there are there are more and more like open source projects sort of around VR I'm looking like I happen to be in a chat channel and people are talking about frame vr.io is a possible space, a tool that might be useful. And, oh VR technology, calm like there's a number of these I'm just kind of skimming like I think yeah people, people are starting to hack around more on VR now that the headsets are becoming, they're still, they're still very expensive but they're they're getting less expensive. Um, no, I think there's there's cool stuff going on, again, I feel like I can't entirely speak to VR because that's not my. That's not my bag. There's, there is a group in the UK called raspberry dream labs, and they are actually hosting some talks and events. And there they are starting to do some stuff in VR including some like play party type stuff. So yeah, absolutely a thing.
We did our first ever VR panel on blockchain and pornography with raspberry labs, Alison balkanized so if you go to buy. Yeah, go to my Instagram, that's in my bio we have a great video up on YouTube about that and so it was really funny because I was really trying to get a VR headset and I just couldn't It was during coronavirus I just really couldn't source one and so I had to like call in and then I had a bot that was like in the front of the room and it was kind of, it was really interesting, but it was a sneak peek of the future of panels and virtual reality was awesome.
Yeah, I'm now in terms of information. Now, there are a few questions about identity and such. So first off, this one's pretty simple when I think do you consider pan, sexuality, a spicy version of bisexuality or are they the same thing.
I love this I feel like this is my future kit like I'm definitely gonna be like Sam, answering these questions and just be like listen let's talk about it. So, to my best understanding pansexual is an attraction to any person no matter what their sex is their gender is or their sexuality is right, and then bisexuality is an attraction to both the male sex and the female sex, or the female presentation male presentations so
well. So, um, I terms are evolving and my, my best knowledge on on by folks are saying I'm attracted to people of my own gender and people of other genders. Okay,
is the way that man is any gender in any
essentially yeah and so okay to me.
You know, personally, it's
like I used to be very, like, oh, by means to I can't identify as by and then by folks being like well no we're saying like I'm attracted to my gender and other genders, I was like, oh, oh, okay like really like I changed. I was like, well I'm pan you know because I couldn't be by by means to this is evil and then it was like, oh no wait, actually. Language is evolving like the way we think is evolving so to me it's a matter of personal preference honestly like which one someone says, if they say pansexuality I'm going to be like, oh yeah okay you're potentially attracted to people of any gender. If they say, if they say by it's like, oh you're potentially attracted to someone of your own gender or another gender. In practice, like I say I don't know you know that may kick out at an individual level in practice, you know. Well I think yeah
I you know what I'm gonna go ahead and say yes, I'm pansexual is the spicy version of bisexual bisexuality. I think that's beautiful. And you know something I'm always questioning myself to is what the evolution of sexual sexuality will look like. As we increase our time in digital space you know because yeah maybe you are pansexual and digital space right, we kind of all are in a weird way. And so I like to just navigate it with something super fluid and, of course, labels are great if you if you identify with that but, um, yeah I'm. That's really cool. It is spicy. Spicy spicy.
Oh yeah, someone in the chat points out, you know pen pal, usually used to mean that gender doesn't factor into my attractions. Sure. Yeah, I could yeah that seems that seems very reasonable. I to me, I would,
I would tend to put them sort of under under a similar umbrella. Right.
Yeah, no, but it's, it's, you know, like I say these things are constantly changing and evolving and, and we're we're always sort of trying I think we're trying to be more inclusive and aware and, yeah, as we go, that's a great question.
So, I'm following up on the education aspect of it. We do work in the sex education fields. Do you have advice for, it's going to be working both sides of the coin here. Do you have advice for particularly young people that are struggling to to come to grips with their identities. And do you have any suggestions for how to educate children about gender identities are beyond the beyond the binary or sexualities other than the predominant one in the culture. Yeah. So, basically, about non sis non hat stuff so that we're as clear off
yeah so sexual It's embarrassing. I am literally so straight like I'm embarrassed by how straight I am like that's how she
raised her straightness. It's okay.
Yeah, no, that's a great question. Okay, so. Ah, oh, what can I say, what can I say. So, I think, for, for folks who are trying to learn more about sort of the identity and peace out together. I feel for you like that, that is tough. I've been there, it is tough it is confusing. Um, for me, things that were helpful for like trying to connect with other queer folks, which was nice when I could meet them in person. But, you know, finding kind of queer spaces online reading what queer folks are writing
all kinds of queer folks right and
trying, you know I feel that that that was really helpful for me is just to kind of meet people and start it you know and and learn from their experiences and you can kind of go oh, you know, this happened to this person like what do I think about that right does that sound like something I'm into does that make sense does that resonate with me or not. Um, yeah, like just trying to try to find your people, um, you know it's I think it is for the internet for that if nothing else, for folks trying folks I try to find your people like we're out there. We're hit like I'm like, I'm here. You can reach me at Edward assist right like I'm here Do me. Um, you know like we're we're here, and I have found at least my corner of the queer community to be super supportive and accepting demisexual folks we got Ace folks we got a gender for like, you know, you name it, you, you get to be questioning, as long as you as you are totally cool with finding your people in terms of educating kids. Oh my goodness. So, there is starting to be some more work done right, because ideally with kids. You want sort of age appropriate sexuality education, the sorts really young, and a lot of it isn't going to be about like sex per se but it's going to be about relationships, how do you be a good friend, right, how do you have boundaries like how do you listen when someone says no like how do you learn to like to accept the no gracefully, sort of, sort of learning and piecing together these building blocks. Um, let's see, there are more and more children's books actually that deal with gender fluid or trans characters non binary or heritors queer relationships. Off the top of my head Flamingo rampant is one of my favorite publishers so bear Bergman is an amazing writer and his publishing company does lots of cool stuff. I just, I'll have to post this on my blog later I just had a great thread someone was like post all your queer kids books here. Right. There's also books like sex is a funny word, which is geared towards I want to say sort of late elementary school age folks again inclusive queer and trans accepting sex ed like there is starting to be more of it out there and it's so desperately needed. All right, everybody.
Again, I want to thank everyone in the chat that asking questions also everyone that is submitting questions through the anonymous form. So, there is an interesting question, and I did talk about something in this vein slightly earlier on. Has there been advancements in sex toys for trans masculine folks. Because I mean I did mention that there was one project that, again, it was a it was a two part thing was essentially it was an insertable toy that would relay electrical impulses, based on pressure of an external toy. And the individuals that tested it said that after about 20 to 30 minutes if I recall correctly. It felt like that external sensors studded dildo was actually like a part of their body.
I, unfortunately, I am not aware of a lot of super cool new stuff for trans dudes, which really sucks. It really sucks, we absolutely need more choice develops for trans dudes I know that the New York SOC is the New York City, New York Toy collective. That is a que TPO CEO and business that does do they do some very cool toys intended for trans dudes they do some cool like pack and plays. So dill is it can be used as packers and then also can be used as toys. So you don't have to like swap Cox, because like, you know, that's that can get awkward and annoying. But yeah, unfortunately that's one where I do see that come up on Twitter every so often and I'm. I know, not, not yet, not yet.
Yeah I so my toy that I'm thinking of is a company called Lord decarlo HQ, who's been doing some work around sex technology that's pretty interesting. This is my favorite little toy here that I love to talk about and so the reason why I said this is something that's catered toward transmits is because it is very much adjustable to body types anybody types, right. So, this probably isn't suitable. and I think we'll see here, don't have enough charge. Okay, so this part here goes like up and down to stimulate the G spot. Right. And then this part here.
This part here is like for the
tour, it's great.
Um, and so the beauty of this product though, this is like my favorite part is this part, and you can slow it down. But it's super white. Now I've changed my shape but that's my shape, but you can change it to be to fit any configuration of your body and so with Lauren decarlo h2 they are a. We like to save sex robot company as a sex toy company. And they have trans trans men and trans women on their team the designing team so they're very much actively inclusive of the queer culture and gender non conforming etc and so when you see their toys being designed, they just came out with the bulky and under it very much is thought about the trans body when these things are designed and so I like to champion for the Carlos products. Yeah.
Today I learned That's awesome.
Sorry I'm trying not to laugh at one of the comments swap Cox, sounds like an up function from Emacs.
that's sort of derailed my thought there in terms of of identity. What does non binary mean to you. I mean, I don't. So the, the Astro doesn't know what to say to folks that seemingly can't grok that.
Yeah, it's just so for me at the most basic level is just saying well if gender is a system of x and y, like, Nope. No.
Yeah, it's really, you know,
speaking on people's identity or their identities, but we have to understand that our culture we are very much socialized, we are so socialized to have to match our sacrified gender representation. And so it will take a long time to unlearn that, and so the discovery can it can be an ongoing thing. So we just have to be kind with ourselves and understand again that when we say that sexuality is spectrum that includes our gender identity and also our sexuality.
Yeah, great question.
Also good luck. And there's the flip side
to this to another question. Where the asker has a friend who is trans, but the asker doesn't know much about that, what topics or actions should be avoided what might be appreciated. And this kind of hits me as a trans woman. Yeah, I was gonna say, do you want to comment on that.
well, at least from my perspective, the things that are appreciated are first off pronouns, which sounds like such a little thing but it helps to identify the person at a basic level if you talk about someone as she or he in the third person or they as appropriate. Then you're showing that you have a respect for the person's identity as they've given it to you. And the thing is that we have all the time in our culture experiences where we miss gender, some non human entity and we seem to be cool with it. So for instance, I walk my dog for example. Oh, how's he doing a Lucy's a she, it's like, oh how she doing people are able to get that pretty quickly. It should be the same went with folk with people I mean let's say it's someone that you've known for a long time, but say that Alice is now Bob well call him, Bob, because he is Bob. It's pretty simple topics that I find, highly offensive are asking me about for example what the configuration of my genitals are, What kind of what my preferences are sexually if I'm not intimate with you previously those sorts of things, asking me for for nude since I'm not someone that sends them. But again, it's basically in my experience, it's things that like you would not ask any random person if you went down the street, and you started asking random men Hey, what, what about, what about your genitals and it's like, would you do that with anyone. Anytime No, don't do it with trans people.
So, Yeah, and I think
my experiences as you show this person you're supportive by using their name, using their pronouns. Like,
of depends on sort of how close a friend you are to this person in some sense, but like, as you show them that like, you're not going to be a jerk like maybe they'll feel like maybe then maybe eventually they'll feel comfortable telling you know being able to share with you yeah you know I'm really struggling to get the meds I need or you know just just offering support. It really sucks to be in a lot of ways. And so yeah, not, not prying into genitals, not prying into medical procedures like are you going to have the surgery, like, No, no, don't.
Yeah, and that's disgusting for several reasons. The first is, what do you mean by verse surgery because like for a lot of trans people. There are various medical procedures that they may choose to get or choose not to get, I mean it's not mandatory for instance for a trans masculine person to undergo a mastectomy, or a or a hysterectomy, it is not necessary for a trans femme person to undergo say breast augmentation facial surgery. orchidectomy bed vagina plastic, that's not necessarily for them to be a to be who they are. So, and besides, again similar to other means to put it into, I mean, a lot of trans people myself included are really don't like the medicalization of being trans but when we talk when it comes to the surgery for I sort of talk. I like to parallel it to cancer because do you ask someone that had cancer. Oh, did you have stuff taken out of you.
Did you take chemicals so that you wouldn't die. Are you blasted with radiation. I mean, think of how creepy that sounds beyond the additional creepy that's I added.
Oh I did think of one more thing. If you can then correct, other people that Miss gender your friend, don't use the right name, don't use the right pronouns, if you can step up and correct, that is like such a good thing to do it means so much like I can tell you it gets exhausting. It's have been this constant battle of like correcting people like am I gonna correct this person like am I going to go through all like, if you can be the ally and step up and like, and get in there and correct people like that, that is a big one.
So, now there's a couple questions that I have regarding regarding fetishes like for instance. Could you talk a little bit about that because the asker of the question feels guilt over their fetishes, even though they do not harm anyone.
As long as you have any thoughts you want me to go ahead.
Okay, so. Okay.
I have advised, like, unfortunately, you know, at least, at least in the US, right, we have this very sort of puritanical sex negative sex shaming kink shaming environment that most of us are raised in. And that makes it difficult to talk about sex to talk about kinks. When you've, you know, for me, like if you've, you know, having an interest aren't like I don't know that I have any fetishes or something like that to think about that I'm like, Huh, but like, when you have a fetish without interest again it not harming anyone like. It's okay. Like, that's a normal thing, this is a thing that humans have that humans do. Right. And like you're being mindful, you're not harming other people. I'm like that. Like it's Hayes, excuse me, it takes time to like really work through that guilt and shame. And, at least for me like when I started doing things that were like, you know, kinky or things that were not not in the plan of how my sexual life was supposed to go at least according to my family of origin, like, yeah man that's tough is tough.
I got unfortunately yeah
that's when there's no easy there's no fast answer, but just yeah just being mindful trying to be gentle with yourself.
Yeah, no, like
I hear you, that's that is a struggle.
Now, in terms of back to discussing about adult content.
Try to find the question that I address. Take that,
as you mentioned, there is a lot of FinTech issues regarding sex workers and related services. Are there other countries, and other countries, financial systems that are more more open to this to this commerce.
Um, yeah so we definitely see that other countries, England, for example, different places do have different laws around sex work you know as of now in the US, we are fighting for the decriminalization of sex work which would take away the the the aspects of the criminalization of the work, which would include having access to financial services like FinTech and banking. And so, the reality is that American, you know it's absolutely hindering their sex tech innovation by not allowing this intersection within FinTech, and so yeah I mean definitely there's a company of countries like Germany that are they're definitely well ahead of us in regards to accepting payment processes for sex workers sex content, content, etc. And, yeah, I would say that I think that there's definitely countries doing it better than us, but at the same time as a whole. Internationally sex work is very much frowned upon in digital space especially around e commerce because it's seen as a very, quote unquote, high risk
area. Same way with marijuana. Yeah.
Yeah. No, I agree with you at least with, with all of that, I mean,
I'm located in Canada as I mentioned in one of my intros and, at least in the case of drug decriminalization and legalization it's been an interesting experience. But back to talking about decriminalization because you maybe articulate why decriminalization is important and maybe in the context as a contrast to legalization.
Yeah, so since you're not fighting for legalization of the industry whatsoever. We see legalization models. And for example, Amsterdam in the red light district and we believe it's incredibly harmful to sex workers and it just puts the safety and
the safety of sex workers
in hands of managers right which is not what we want. And so decriminalization is again you know removing the criminalized aspects of doing work so perfect example is in New York City, we have a walking law trans ban that is basically a means of arresting transgender people for the means of loitering prostitution, and it should not be illegal to walk out of your house and be dressing how you want to be deciding who you want to be and then being told that you're a sex worker and then being criminalized simply by that and some other things that people are criminalized for in regards to sex work is simply doing any kind of like street work based work and a lot of the things of poverty things right. It's criminalizing poverty, basically. And so when people say, oh, like why do you want to deep cram sex work versus legalize it it's because legalizing it puts it into an actual system that is regulated by other people but it's governed by people which as we know tends to put sex workers into harm's way. So
there's a lot of, there's a lot of research around that so definitely definitely just Google that there's a lot of information out there about that.
So, I do have one time for one last question. And, again, it's sort of a Oh, actually we can go a little bit long, so I'm gonna see if I can squeeze in a few more questions, maybe two or three more questions. Let's start with this one, because this is a bit of a darker subject which is still in the news I mean, we had a discussion about stalkerware and revenge porn. Do you have any suggestions to how to how people can protect themselves from becoming victims.
Um, yeah so
I definitely do. If you go to my bio on Instagram that's x bar.com, I have a really an opposite guy operational security guide for anyone who is navigating digital space and navigating sexuality. It's a great guide to kind of learn how to secure your accounts and just be a bit more safe in digital space, but I think the real question is active communication around sex education, you know because revenge porn is rooted in something a bit deeper than simply just sharing of information is rooted in a place of exploitation for harm and abuse and harassment. So I think these are some deeper things that we should navigate under the guise of capitalism the patriarchy and awesome massage a massage Noir, and what it actually means to force someone to be sexually open and have, you know, their images shared in a way, there's an absolute there's a reason why in our country and our world that we live in, in our patriarchal society that sharing a nude photo is considered revenge. Why is that let's navigate back and that's what we need more education around.
Okay. Now, I got about time for two more questions now. The in terms of poly relationships. Have you found any sex tech that might benefit them, I mean most products seem to be focused on one on one, or long distance relationships.
Oh my god, open your brain, everything can be applied to multiple people. I tell you right now, the best Collie after ever is his Instagram. Okay, those few messages be poppin okay that's the best poly app you know I think we definitely can just reassess how different technology can be used for our betterment. I am not polyamorous I know many people though. And that's really really interesting question, and hopefully we make it up. Hopefully we make it there, but I see a lot of people on dating apps you know put poly or, you know, that into their apps and so I think the typical ways that we're using technology to connect and be romantic and be intimate I think that probably people are very much utilizing that bucket. Do you have any insight. Yeah, I'm just like, I'm like, Oh yeah,
my number, like, number one, tech tool for probably folks Google Calendar. Right.
Alright, right, that is a good one that's a good joke.
So we'll get one last question. Now, do you have any thoughts on how to establish boundaries without killing the moment.
Do you wanna consent is sexy
okay consent is so hot. Um, so I think that it's kind of, we have to unlearn this idea that getting consent is somehow taking away from our sexual experience right, we have to we have to unlearn this idea that saying, you know, asking for permission or asking for access to someone's body is somehow not sexy is somehow unappealing and it's somehow, taking away from the mood of things you know it's, and this is something that like yeah it's uncomfortable that first few times you kind of, Oh, you know if you're not used to it but I think this is back to the education component of just saying you know it's so much better to have sex with someone who really actively wants to have sex with you. And so how do you know that you ask. And so I definitely, if you're asking like how can you do that without killing the mood, bring up the conversation, outside of the bedroom.
Yeah, so there's definitely ways
you know definitely TV shows or memes or different ways to kind of introduce maybe a concept of like, I really like my nipples played with and I want you to play with my nipples, but I also want you to ask me in that moment because I don't know at that moment I want my nipples platelets, maybe you reference a TV show or maybe you bring it up at dinner, maybe you kind of bring it up in different settings so that when you get into that romantic mood the groundwork is already kind of been placed. And so then it's not necessarily a negotiation or, you know, figuring out it's kind of just like a
thing. So, that's my tip is to say, be patient with yourself, give yourself grace if you if you happen to do this before, and be kind and just you know maybe bring it up outside of the bedroom for the first time, and give yourself a space outside of this sex stuff
There was actually a comment that came across the chat right as you're saying, which is that revoking consent, can also be sexy. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
because it's you know what sexy is knowing is is doing what you want, that is so sexy so if someone is revoking consent, guess what they are understanding what they want, they know what brings them pleasure, they know how to navigate their bodies and that is so sexy because it means that they can probably make you feel pretty good too because they know what they want, right, they know that they also actively want you. So that's part of this kind of sex that's so fun.
All right, well I really wish we could do more of this conversation online here, I would like to invite you both into the hallway con in the hallway conversations panel in the matrix chat. Same with our attendees that would like to ask our two awesome presenters here ESET smart dr kit Stubbs. Thank you both for being here I cannot wait until we can meet again in person. Thank you everyone
so much thank you great questions everybody It was awesome,
getting to answer them. Thank you. and thank you Ground Control
take us up.
Oh, I love that that's