Episode 167 - Complete

Vinny Welsby57min

Speaker 1

00:00

You're listening to the face value podcast episode 167. I'm terrified people are judging me. Let's do it

Speaker 1

00:23

Hello, hello. Welcome to this episode first fatty and first fatty allies. Great to have you here. Last episode, I was talking about business business. And I said, Hey, do you want to know how much it cost me to run my business? And if anyone says yes, then I will go through my list of expenses. And someone said, yes. So before we get into today's topic, I'm just going to talk about business is business. It's business time. Business hours are over bei bear a little bit of flavor concourse for you there. If you don't wanna hear about business shit, skip ahead, like 10 minutes for the fat shit are so set assessor says, Okay, so I've had my business for, Oh, lordy, lordy, lordy. I know, eight years. I just I'm always like, I check in it. And I'm like, yeah, that is how long it is. And then I'm like, it can't be that long. Like, what the heck, but but it is. Yeah, so my business expenses is are like they slowly grow over the years. But actually, no, I've reduced them recently. But to begin with, when you start out a business, there's only like a handful of things that you need. And I'll tell you what, what it is. But there are other things that you could theoretically live without, but it means that it will take more time. And so maybe you don't have enough time, so you wouldn't be able to achieve the goals that you want to achieve, or do the things that you wanted to do. Okay, so I'm going to go through my 2021 expenses, and what I did instead in 2022. And if anything's changing for 2023, okay, so my biggest business expense is, I have two people who work a few hours a week for me, one of them is my virtual assistant. And one of them is the the person who edits this podcast. And so I pay them a flat rate. So it doesn't matter how many hours they do, because I, I want to be as equitable as I can be to begin with, I paid people an hourly rate. And I found that that wasn't as great for them, because sometimes I'd be too busy to do the podcast. And so then they wouldn't get work for that week. And I didn't think that that was fair for them to miss out on income because I was too busy or whatever I was on holiday. Oh, you know, and so I find them a flat rate, no matter how much work they do. I mean, up to if they're working too much, then I pay them more, but that's never happened so far. And so they'll probably work up to or less than in the month. And so I pay them in in US dollars, but then I am in Canada, right. And so for both of them together, I pay 900. Canadian. So that's kind of split not split evenly, because my VA works more hours than the podcast editor. But that's the the first expense is 900 bucks for two people working a handful of hours a week. And that's the month they cost. I don't think I could, I couldn't do the podcast without someone editing it for me. Me personally, because it'd be too much work like the podcast already takes one day a week work for me and that's just research and recording it and doing like uploading stuff and and writing the blurbs and all that type of shit. And so if I was also editing that would probably take me another day. And it's not a good use of my time because I'm not a good editor so I can get someone who is an editor to do that for me. And then the VA stuff that's like checking my Instagram messages, handling my emails, various projects, if there's projects they for example, I will Okay, reach out to these people or, Hey, can you do this data input? Or, Hey, can you look into this thing? Like, say, for example, I'm like, Hey, I wonder I, I wonder who I know who is a dietician who might want to use my services and so on might say, Hey, can you go and go and search, dieticians who might use my services and make it into a list? That type of thing. And so that's ad hoc stuff. So the next biggest expense is the software that I would use to host my online courses to host emails. So sending emails and sales, processes, things like that. So I was using something called kartra in 2021. Turns out that they were a bunch of racists. So I switched Karcher was $260 a month, $260 a month, which is expensive, but not as expensive as some softwares. I managed to find another software called system dot i Oh, which was about 150. Now a month. So as I'm saving 100 bucks on that. Okay, so that's like a thing that I feel like I definitely need, you know, I can't have, like, you know, to give people the things that I've that they've bought, they need to have this software, but you could maybe do it for free? Like I don't know, email them things. Okay, so acuity, which is a scheduling software, so when people have one on ones with me, and they need to be able to schedule, and I don't like going back and forth and being like, How about Tuesday? How about this? How about this, just, you know, it's not not great. So that's 1476 a month, Apple for storage for 19? buffer. So Buffer is a social media scheduling tool. So instead of having to manually post things to Facebook, and Instagram and different groups within Facebook, and Twitter or wherever else, something, you can just go onto this one website, and it will just do everything for you. And you can schedule things in advance. That's 1942 a month. And that's something that my VA does when my VA will use Buffer Canva. So sometimes I'll pay for Canvas, sometimes I won't Canva is making images, that 1699 a month. And last year, I switched to the free plan. And then I was like no, I need the paid plan. And so I'm back on the paid plan. Ever webinar. So whenever I would do a webinar, or a I had, I had evergreen webinars. So you might not know what that is if you're not in the business world. But an evergreen webinar is like a webinar on demand. So someone can go to your page, and it'll say, there's a webinar in 10 minutes, you can go watch it. And so then they can go watch it. So it's like a system that shows people webinars whenever they want it versus you just doing a webinar hosting it once every six months or whatever. So every webinar was $257 a month. And I got rid of that in 2022. Because I stopped doing evergreen webinars and have switched to live webinars, I just found that there wasn't that much benefit in it next to Google. So to pay for two Google storages because I have one, two different Google accounts. And so one is 1567. And one is 1669. I need a lot of storage, because every every episode of the podcast is one hour of audio, one hour a video, and that's the raw files, then my podcast editor will then edit it and then add an add then another hour. That's roughly how long the podcasts are of the edited final video and audio. And so that's a lot of storage that I need to host all of the past episodes and what we got 160 Something episodes. So yeah, last pass. So last pass password protection, I paid for the year $57. I'm using a different one now, which is I think a little bit more expensive, but LastPass was in a data breach. And so now I'm using what is this thing called? One Password. I think it's like a no last last pass was a handful of dollars a month and this is a couple of handfuls of dollars a month. Libsyn so liberated syndication to be able to put your podcast out in the world. You need to have a platform that will distribute it for you. Libsyn is that platform that costs $26 A Month Webinar kit. So webinar kitch kit was a software is a software that you use when you are launching your product and it helps the stream webinars $39 a month I don't do that and More, I just do webinars on Zoom or whatever, because that was for the ongoing evergreen webinars. Otter, so otter provides transcripts for the podcast.

Speaker 1

10:13

And that costs $8.33 a month. Again, some of the things you don't have to do depends where you're at in your business. So for the first few years, I didn't have transcripts, but then I was able to add in, you know, adding these other expenses. And so and as well, when I first started my business, some of these software's most of these software's didn't even exist. So, otter is a newer software, and offers that making transcripts for 833 a month. Whereas in the years previous to get transcript services, it was it was like $1 a minute. I remember, I can't remember what it was, or maybe like, less than that. But I remember it was so prohibitive, like there's no way and so if you do in $1 a minute then save an episode is 60 minutes. So you know that $60 per episode times four, you know, that was prohibitive. Okay, my my mobile telephone, that costs 4256. And it's cheap, because I bought the phone out. So I don't have like I'm not paying back for a phone call a ruse. Qualaroo is a quiz system. So when people join first party Academy, they are put through a quiz to see where they're at in their journey, and then they can do it again, that costs 1990 a month. restream. So I used to I don't anymore, but I used to stream live on Facebook and Instagram, and other places. And so you can have recorded videos that you stream live. And so it looks like you're live but it's a pre recorded video. And so we I tried that out for a year didn't really have any impact on my on because apparently when you go live, your your stuff is pushed because they Instagram Facebook, like it when you're going live. And so you go live in one place restream and then it will push to all these other channels like YouTube and blah, blah, blah. So yeah, I tried it out for a year didn't really see any benefit to it. So I stopped doing that. That was 6388 a month, Squarespace. So I have two Squarespace websites, one for first fatty and then one for first party consulting. One cost 2361 costs 1770 the really basic things that I need so if you have a business you definitely need to have hosting on Squarespace. Try interact. So, another quiz software is so annoying, like quiz software's are so expensive and ridiculous. So I had the first fatty fat phobia quiz, which exploded when everyone wanted it. And that cost 3682 A month to host the other quiz software didn't have the same capabilities. And then this software didn't have the same capabilities to be able to do the quizzes in face value Academy annoying. So yeah, so I stopped paying for that in 2022 Because trolls got ahold of the quiz and just sabotaged sabotage my business. So I don't have that expense anymore. T shirt studio, when people would join Fitbit Academy I send them a mug that says first fatty so I have spent in 2021 $206 on that V feed so V is a software that helps you do you know on when you when you're on social media, and you see a video that has like a timer on it and it has the captions Jesus crossed captions has captions, so a caption video with like a title and a timer. You know, things like that. So when a video is not more than just a plain video when it has visually interesting things around it. A software has been used. So I ve does a software 2540 A month I've stopped doing that this year because I'm focusing on less video and more static posts. And if I'm doing video, I'm not doing all the fancy shit. I'm just doing basic captions, which I think is really important. And you can get captions for free now on Instagram. So see how like these software's like, before you couldn't you have we'd have to manually put in captions or you'd have to pay for this software that will do captions and now As you know, software gets better. Now you can get it for free somewhere, and so you don't have to pay for it. Vimeo. So, to host videos from my eCourse on the software, I had to pay for Vimeo, which was really fucking annoying. That was $20 a month, I changed the software, which let me host the videos for free, so I don't have to pay that anymore. My internet, my internet cost 8837 I had to upgrade because that that cheap internet cheap in Canada's terms, cheap pension, it kept breaking all the time. So now my internet, I can't remember how much it is now like 100 bucks, 110, something like that. And it's not broken once or our zoom. So Zoom is for all the meetings 2211 Facebook advertising. So in 2021, I spent $226 a month on Facebook advertising and then 2020 to zero. I mean, Facebook advertising hit and miss. I don't bother any other bother with it anymore. You know? And then training. So if there's courses that come up in regards to like, say if NAFTA is hosting a webinar or or, or there's normally I will be buying from fat black creators. So if a fat black creator is has created, like a video or whatever, then I would be investing in that so or if there's some business training that I need. So training $270 a month. Yeah. So total for all that my 2021 expenses were 29,611 doll hair, so let's say 30,000 So 30,000 bucks to run a business with some things that you know, there's things there that are absolutely essential, you can't get can't get away from not using. And some things are additional in regards to growing your business like webinars and things like that. Or as you get, you know, paying for storage for Google Storage as your got more stuff. Or you know, if you have a podcast if you don't have a podcast and you won't have to pay for last part, so you won't have to pay for a podcast editor or you won't have to pay for not captions. The thing that's the words that are that are on the sheet fucking transcripts, Jesus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, if you're not having meetings, or if you're not meeting clients, and that says a software that you don't need. But let's say the non essential stuff, let's just say cut it in half 15,000. So, my goal for 2022 was to reduce my expenses, and I reduced it to my goal was 22,878. So let's just call it 23,000. So, my 2020 2021 expenses, were basically 30 grand. And my goal for 2022 was 23 grand, and actually I reduce my expenses to 18,930 do so 19 grand. So that was pretty good. And you know what the big difference was, what the big difference was, was Facebook ads, I weren't I wasn't spending money on Facebook ads, and business coaching. So I had previously done business coaching, which was a big expense to learn all of this stuff. Here's a little tip for you. You can get all that stuff for free with a little Google watch some YouTube videos. And you know, it's nice to have people who can answer the questions so but you know, you can a lot of that stuff honestly is sometimes you just need someone to reassure you that you're going in the right direction right and so anyway, I Facebook ads and if Facebook Ads pay off then that's fine if you're spending x amount of Facebook ads for me Facebook ads never paid off. I even had a Facebook ads one of my friends was a Facebook ads coach right and so I was working with her and you know looking at looking over everything that I was doing and I was getting a lot of leads for the right prices and the right types of leads but those leads didn't convert or maybe they couldn't you know would take five years to convert or whatever convert into it to paying paying people. So thing is with my thing, I'll try something out and if it doesn't work or to find it, it's not useful and then I'll like cut it out. So yeah 18,000 which makes a monthly amount of 1577.

Speaker 1

19:57

So 1577 to run a bit Business per month. So you have to think about that of, okay, what do I need to make to survive above 1500 bucks, because that is breaking even right. And that's not even counting in your time. Because you don't want to be working for $0 an hour. And the thing is, with online businesses in the first number of years, you will be working for basically for zero, which is I why I think a lot of people are not able to do it, because they need to pay rent and stuff. Weird. Or, like, for me, when I started my online business, I had money saved up from my corporate job so that I could not make money for X amount of months, I can't remember how long. And so that helped me also, I don't have kids. Also, I don't have things like a car payment, like I don't like, credit, you know, like, I don't like spending thing, like big amounts on things that I feel like are unnecessary for me. You know, if other people do it, that's fine. But, you know, I turn around in my little $2,000 car that I just bought, you know, with with money, and that's fine by me because I don't drive a lot. And I don't have kids, so I can just have whatever and I don't have to worry about killing them. And I don't really go on vacations. I don't have I don't really have a lot of expenses in my life. The only the biggest expense, I think, is medicine. Because I don't have insurance, because I work for myself. So medicine for me is probably 500 a month, and DoorDash. Door do dash, and groceries. And my rent is 1900 for a one bed place in Vancouver, which is actually very cheap, I'm lucky. And in that's in central Vancouver. Groceries maybe 500 A month DoorDash I shudder to think how much I spent on DoorDash probably 300 a month for like, no, it's probably one day and I'm like you spent 10 grand this month I'm doing you know those those that add up, you're like fees. And I'm always like, I want to pick I want to give people you know a good tip like goes tip a little bit more than what they suggest. And and then before you know it like getting one burrito costs $75. And you're like, Oh no, I want the burrito. Oh, and then with as well with the contract. So the contract is they're not employees, right? They're contractors. So they work other places, too. I also give them an extra month. At the end of the year, I'll give them a month salary as bonus not salary consulting, pay or whatever. And then two weeks off for free. So there's other costs there. Um, and then there's probably other miscellaneous costs that I haven't even you know, tracked here. But I looked at my taxes what I you know, what my, my VA collected for me for my taxes, and it was, you know, that 18,932 So anyway, that's that if you have any other questions about business stuff, let me know. Hope this doesn't make you feel like oh, God, like so expensive to run a business. And Lala, you can do things like when I first started, I just had my, my website. And I had, I spent loads of time on social media, like Instagram, I was posting three times a day, I'm like, Oh, God, how can I've done that? And that was like, basically what I was doing was on my website, and then just posting on Instagram. So you know, 15 bucks a month, but then as soon as you start getting clients, then what we're How you gonna host the content, maybe on the website, maybe with like a password and stuff. But then as soon as you know, the the more you grow, then it's like, okay, well, you're making a podcast, so then you need to pay for this and that and whatever. Oh, you're using Canva and you want the paid features. And so then there's that and then yeah, so if I wanted to make my business a lot cheaper, I could cut out my podcast, but you will listen. You listen. So let me see how many people listen actually. So you listen, I check in from time to dine on Libsyn it's my my VA that that handles handles that. Okay, so all time people who have downloaded the show 219,592 February 1200 downloads March 9100, APR 5700 and may were in 11 days into May 2700. So I think it's like I guess So let's say 7000 people a month, download that 7000 downloads, so, so you know, one person could be listened to, to 10 episodes, right? And I don't make money from the podcast, right? I don't have any sponsorships or anything like that. I just have kofi, which I just started. And so thank you, if you want to donate on kofi KOF, I link in the show notes. Let's stop talking about money. Let's talk about fat shit. Look at if you've got questions about business, then, you know, I'm happy to talk about it. So let's talk about I'm terrified people are judging me, which is probably everybody's fear. I just realized, I've been talking about this shit for 27 minutes. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm talking too long. Okay, I'll put it I'll put it in the show notes or something like skip to 27 minutes in or whatever, 20 minutes in if you don't want to hear that? Money bullshit. Okay, so. So I talk to clients a lot. And one of honestly, we are all so similar. It's freaky. It's freaky. Like, I hear the same stories and the same fears and worries over and over and over again. And of course, you know, we're all we're all unique. But I feel like there's such you know, common thread that, that we're, we're worried about this and that and whatever. And one of the big ones is, is that I'm really stressed out and thinking a lot about how people are judging me. So I wanted to talk to you about that to do. So the first thing is, you're not imagining it, people are judging you people do judge. That's a fact. Because, you know, we've, we're humans and our brains are like, you know, let's make an assessment of this person. And that's just what we do. Right? But to what extent may be different from what you perceive it to be? And how can we tell what someone is thinking secretly inside their head? How do we know they are judging us negatively, positively? Or neutrally? We don't know. Even if we ask them, I said, Are you judging me negatively? And if I'm someone, oh, no, no, no. Or are you judging me positively? Yes, yes, yes. And they could be either, either way, right. But the thing is, when you are deep in anti fat bias, the way that you think about yourself and others, is really filled with a lot of judgment. And so a lot of people think everyone else is as anti fat as I am. And everyone else is probably thinking the same things as me. And that's a lot because the amount when we're really stuck in anti fat bias, the amount that we judge ourselves can be overwhelming. You know, can we can be really critical, unkind. You know, like, some of the things that when I talk to people they say about themselves, you know, like, for example, I'm just picking up my notepad of notes. Someone last last time I spoke to someone, yesterday, lazy, unhealthy and gross. That's what they described themselves. That's pretty, it's pretty a lot, isn't it? That's very unkind. And so if we're thinking, well, that is what I'm thinking about myself. And that's how I think about other fat people or, or, you know, people for, you know, wearing this or that or whatever.

Speaker 1

28:46

They're thinking the same. And I think that's a little bit of a potentially false reality. Not everyone is as as judgmental, and some people are more judgmental, right. But a lot of what people are feeling are our thoughts about themselves. Am I okay? Do I look alright? How are people judging me? And you think about this, I think about this. Imagine if you got tagged in a group photo. What is the first thing that you're doing? You're going to that group photo, and you were zooming in on the picture of yourself. You don't care about fucking Sally, or Timmy or whatever. You might look at them later, but whatever. They just look like Sally and Timmy or whatever. And you'll look at yourself and you'll probably be like, Oh, God, this is what this is what happens? I thought I looked good that day. Now I've seen the photo. I realized that I looked disgusting. And I was walking around thinking I was hot shit, but really, I was disgusting because This photo proves it. Forget how I felt in the day. I was wrong. So I should be ashamed for thinking that I was okay looking for that one day. And that that that outfit looks good on me because this photo proves that it doesn't, which is a belief or perception, right? It's not not true. And as well the way that the way that photos are taken, there's I love the things online that shows like photos with different lenses, and how one lens can make someone someone's face look really big. And another lens can make their face look really pinched and like, make their nose look really tiny, and like really gaunt looking, and it's the same person but a different lens. And so, you know, you the people around you, you know, they see that photo, and they're not like, oh my god, I thought so and so was a nice person. Turns out, I saw that photo. And it turns out that they're a terrible person, because they have a double chin, they're probably not thinking that they're probably thinking, Oh, God, my hand looked a bit shit that day, or, Oh, don't look nice, or, Oh, it's so nice to see everyone together, or whatever it is that they're thinking. And maybe they are thinking, you know, oh, look at that person, but they're probably thinking about themselves. So that a lot of time, we don't actually know how people are judging us to what extent or if they're caught up in their own lives. And when I think about judgment, there's there's three main outcomes or outcomes of judgment, like, people are judging me negatively, people are judging me positively. Or people don't care about me or thinking about what to make for dinner tonight. And maybe you're worried that you're judging them, you know, say people on the street, you're just whatever. And if someone is judging you negatively or positively, or neutrally, what does it say about them? So I know, I know that people judge me in a fat body, negatively, not everyone, but more than if I had a smaller body, right? And so if you have a bigger body, if you are in marginalized identities, then people are judging you because of because of bias, right? So we know that to be true. You there are more people that are judging you, and are being biased towards you. And what does that say about them? Right? So I know people are judging me. I know, people are like, Oh, look at them, they're just out thinking that they look okay. And they don't, I think that they, their belly is way too big and whatever, right? I don't care personally, I don't give a shit. Because I know what they what their thinking is because of the pain that they are in. Because of the bias that they have invested into. It's because of them, and how they feel about themselves. And how they perceive themselves in, in the power, power structures of society, is why they're judging me. Right? They're judging me because they think we're both playing the same game, right? That we're playing the same game, and there aren't, you know, they're thinking, I'm winning over that person that just walked by, or I'm winning over my, my, my relative, Vinnie, or whoever I am to that person, I'm winning. And I can look down on them and feel good or better about myself temporarily. But 10 minutes later, they see someone who they perceive to be more attractive. And then they're feeling like, I'm losing. I'm losing a Salvini. And I felt like I was winning. And then I saw this other person, and now I feel like I'm losing. And so in their mind, is this kind of up and down, have you know, and they've perceived me to be losing. But I'm not playing that game. I'm not playing the game. You know, it's like, if someone runs up to me and says, you lost that game of Monopoly, no matter what game I'm not, I wasn't playing Monopoly. So I can't feel sad that I lost that game of Monopoly. Because I wasn't playing so I am. And I'm not invested in it if I lose or win, because I'm not playing that game. And that game that I'm talking about is valuing other humans by what they look like valuing humans, but if their body is is smaller, and presuming that they are better in some way, I'm not playing that game, so I can't lose. And when I say I'm not playing that game, of course, there'll be times where I'm like, don't look at me, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm winning today over that other person. But as we know, you know, there's no winning again. Next, beauty ideals against anti fat bias against racism against misogyny against ableism. Against transphobia. There's no winning. Like I'm using this analogy again of, of Europe casino, the house always wins. It doesn't matter if you sit sit at that table for hours, the house always wins. So, you know, maybe you want a little bit of a flutter? You know, at one time I went to Vegas, and I won $20. And I was like, thank you. That's it done. And so I think about like, think about it like that, like engaging in beauty ideals in ways that serve me, you know, for example, wearing makeup or wearing certain clothes and you know, that serves me, that's great. That's a way for me to express myself. But as soon as I feel like I might be losing, as in, I'm judging myself negatively, or I'm worried as as judging me. Now, let's leave, let's leave the table. Let's go somewhere else. This This ain't it for me. Thank you. So could extending that compassion to other people be helpful for you to remind yourself about? Maybe it is maybe it isn't. What I have found in my journey and other people's journeys that I have witnessed is that the more that you unlearn your own anti fat bias, the more that you are not worried about people judging you, because it's not a constant thing of you, no judgment isn't at the forefront of your mind. 24/7 If you're not judging yourself, you're able to think, oh, maybe other people aren't. I'm constantly thinking I'm a disgusting piece of shit. And maybe they are, but it's not at the forefront of your mind. So I feel like the more that you do this work, the easier it's going to get? Well, what from my experience, right? From my experience, and what I've seen with other people, and also think about, you know, when people are judging you say, if you're walking down the street, and someone was like, Oh, God, there's a fat person, and they're wearing shorts, and they shouldn't wear shorts, or whatever it is, do you think that they're gonna be like rushing home to their friends and be like, into their mom and be like, Oh, my God, Mum, you'd never believe this. I saw a fat person on the street wearing shorts. Can you believe it? Call the president we need to tell people about this. Probably not right, someone judging you is probably like a split second thing in their brain. Maybe it's you know, more than that, because maybe say they harass you. But it's affecting us more than it's affecting them. Right? They it's just a fleeting thought in their mind. And so can we try and give, give that back to them. Right? Like as a not, you know, say, Hey, you're ugly, but holding up a mirror, in our brains of being like that shame doesn't belong to me. You're trying to put shame on me because you feel ashamed. doesn't belong to me. I'm not gonna I'm not gonna let your shame pull me down. Because, you know, I'm just walking around in the shorts, and I look fucking amazing. And it's hard. And fuck you, you know. And as well, because of, because of the Panini, a lot of people have gained weight. And so many people are, are stressed about it. And I feel like there's more compassion

Speaker 1

38:21

around. Because of that, if you have gained weight, and you haven't seen people in a while, I feel like many people have said to me, Oh, I'm stressed out because I'm seeing people I haven't seen in a while and I've gained weight. And I'm thinking they might be in the same boat. And if they're not good, probably their friends are yours are probably going to be extending compassion to you. You know? So a thing that I like to remember is what is more important, other people's comfort? In regards to them not seeing some, quote, unsightly fat person, or your mental health? What's more important other people's comfort? Or you living your life? Are other others opinions worth not living not doing this work? Are we going to let other people's negative opinions stop us from living? And living authentically and being brave and not giving a fuck? Are they more important than, than you know, is the answer. Fuck no. So when you think when you're working on this stuff, I really want to encourage you to support yourself. So supporting yourself with this. A lot of times when I talk to people and they're really worried about people judging them, I say to them, it's okay. So tell me about who's in your life. And they'll say, Well, my mom, she's been on diets forever. She told me to go on a diet. You know, my dad makes remarks about women. My sister she hates herself Even though she's thinner than me, and she's on whatever diet, all my friends are thin and they will restrict food and I'm the fattest one in the group. Some people will probably listen to this being like Vinnie, how the fuck do you know about my dynamic? Because it is so often the same is people are not surrounded by pro fat people, anti diet people, they're surrounded by people who feed into that bullshit, right? And so I feel like, No wonder no wonder and I'm not saying you should be like, you know, kick your dad in his face and be like, Fuck you, Mom, you're dead to me or whatever, you know, that's probably not what's gonna happen but you know, setting boundaries and expanding your, your, your social circle in regards to people that you're letting influence you. And that could be exclusively online, right? It doesn't mean that you have to go and be friends with new people in life in the in. In the real world. I don't like saying that the real world online is real world too. But in day to day life, in physical life, there we go. But that might be what happens to what do you have in your life that currently is supporting the idea that fat bodies are great. And what do you have that says the opposite and so that could be like, you know, watching bikini babes on the beach 24/7 or, or watching stuff that's affirming, following people who are affirming on social media. Also, something to do is like, if you feel like stressed out that you're going to be judged because your whatever you're wearing, is to is to support yourself in regards to Okay, I'm going to do a practice run of wearing this thing. And I'm just going to walk to the mailbox and come back. Or I'm just going to walk the dog and come back. Or I'm just going to wear this in the living room and then run back to my room and take it off and put on my my sweating trousers, you know, you know, doing little things like that can be really helpful to make help you build up the confidence that that that the world is not going to stop spinning if someone sees your, your arms or your belly or your legs or whatever. And also, we want to make sure that we're interrogating our own anti fat bias. We all have anti fat bias and, and it's a constant, you know, trying to remove that from our brains and it will get easier. But if you are agreeing with what people are potentially judging you on, it's easy, easier to internalize that stuff, right? Versus if someone was like, Vinnie, you're unattractive because you have fat arms. I would like lol What? No, no. What are you talking about? I have homes that are just regular, regular regular homes, like, Oh, it sounds like you are struggling with body image yourself, you know, but if I believed it, and someone said you have fat arms, I'm like, Oh, God, yeah, they're right. And that would be anti fat bias that I have in my brain agreeing with them. Also, grieve get angry or sad about the reality that the world is fat phobic as fuck. People do value smaller bodies in society. But do we want to be on the side of the oppressor? Do you want to support anti fat biases and sexism and racism and classism by agreeing with people who judge you and Brene Brown, famous fat phobic. She said some good things though, says shame cannot survive the light. And that's something I think about a lot shame cannot survive the light. Talk about it. Even if it's with the people that you feel, you know, the just the people that you feel safe with, or your therapist or your colleagues or your friends. Say, Hey, I feel really stressed that you know, I feel stressed, I've put on weight and I'm seeing people and you know, I'm worried people are judging me and, and that shame might not be able to survive that light of sharing it with with people. And I bet you so many people like me toe. And the second part of this is that this process that people might be going through of accepting that their bodies. What I see a lot is that people get into something that I call Constant Learner mode. So Constant Learner mode is right. I want to be fat positive. I want to love my body. So I'm going to get this book and that book and I'm going to follow these people. I'm going to listen to this podcast. I'm going to go to this webinar. I'm going to Lella learning, learning, learning learning learning soaking it up. Great. Love it. But you know what, we only have a limited capacity for you know, the amount of books I have that I'm like, I'm gonna read that I'm gonna I'm so gonna read that. Sat pristine, never touched. Because I'm human right. And, and so We've got us limited capacity to learn, not because of our intelligence levels, but because we're human. And unless we've got like a report do or something, but you know, no one's coming up, I'm not gonna be in your house being like, tell me about the history of fat liberation. You're gonna take it, you're gonna take what you want and when you need it. And so people are like, Well, I'm following all these people. And I've read all these books, and I've listened to these podcasts, and I don't feel better, better about myself. And I will wonder what you have done outside of learning. And so there's the education and the action. So it's like, if you want to learn how to swim you've never swam before. And you're like, Great, I'm going to follow Olympian swimmers online, I'm going to read a book about how to swim. I'm gonna watch a webinar on breathing techniques. And then you get to the pool, and you're like, oh, and no, thank you, I'm just gonna, you know, watch the other people doing it. And then being like, combative, I can't swim. Yeah, I've read like 13 books about how to swim. And so what some people do at that point, they realize, Okay, I've done a lot of learning is there like, I'm ready, and they jump into the deep end. And then they've, they're in the deep end, and they're like, shit, I've never done this before. This is scary, I'm drowning. And then they are deeply traumatized or die or whatever, you know, not other people will die from wearing shorts, but it's not a great experience. And then again, at the pool, and the like, See, I knew I didn't have the confidence to do that I knew someone like me shouldn't be swimming. There's the evidence. And I'm like, Oh, so close. So close, go to the other end of the pool, and tinker your toes in the water, just a little tingle, just put your legs in the wall, don't even get in the water, dipping your legs in and see how it feels. And then go sit back, sit on the beach chair and just read a book, you know, whatever. Did you survive? Yes. Was it fun? Yeah, so what I felt good, well, maybe, you know, maybe there was a little bit cold, and you need to wait a little bit longer and try again later. And I'm using this analogy to say, say if you are you want to you know, wear a swimsuit or sleeveless things are whatever whatever it is, or do a speech or whatever it is, what can you do to lead up to that? So I used the example before of, of, can you just wear something in your living room and then and then run back to your bedroom and change and put on your sweating trousers? Say if you wanted to do a talk, can you do a talk just in front of your your friend? And see, did you die or not on? How was it? Did you like it, you

Speaker 1

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want to, you know, increase the audience size, and not expecting yourself to be able to swim. When you've only ever read the books, we need to practice and support ourselves and realize that it may be overwhelming and scary. And that's okay, we can take a step back doesn't mean that we're a failure and that we should give up and you know, when when I say give up sometimes things you shouldn't give up because it is not right for you, you know, you might decide that wearing a bikini doesn't suit you in regards to actually it's too feminine for me, and I want to wear some board shorts, and that's what feels good. And it's not because of anti fat bias. It's because of a gender thing. For example, you know, so being flexible with yourself and supporting yourself and your mental well being to build up that confidence to see if, you know you wear this thing and people are like aghast and call the police and you're arrested and then serve the rest of your life in prison for wearing short shorts. Don't think that that's happened? I don't know. Probably Probably someplace. I don't know. Anyway. So basically, people are judging you and that sucks. I'm sorry. But not everyone is judging you negatively. Some people are judging you positively. Some people don't care. And they're just thinking about themselves, you know, which is what most of us is doing. If you have a bigger body or if you are marginalized in other ways. And absolutely, you're going to be experiencing more bias and more judgement and that is not okay. That is not your shame to hold that is a person who is who is shaming, that's their shame to hold and deal with. And also we shouldn't let those people stop us from living our lives if that's something that we want to do. Can we support ourselves to do it? Can we look in look at our life and say, am I supported in my life, to love and accept myself and overcome this fear of judgment? Or can I add in some more juicy stuff and maybe say boundaries and, and maybe tell you know, Michelle Smith from from school to fuck off on Facebook. That's, that was the name of my bully in school. She's a fucking mean person. And what if someone is judging you negatively? What does it say about them? The more work than the more you work on this stuff yourself, the easier it's going to be not to have judgment of others at the top of your mind. And the easier it's going to be to just be like, I'm just living my life, just wearing some shorts and whatever it is that you're doing. Just as you know, sniffing some flowers, I'm walking my dog and life is good. And that's really nice. Honestly, it's really nice. And I'm thinking about, you know, am I thinking about people judging me? How much does that happen? Of course it happens because I'm a human being. But I don't you know what I'm thinking when I'm walking around walking doggy or whatever, will come three times a day, right? So I'm in a really busy area. So there's lots of people. Do you know what I'm thinking? They're thinking. Oh, look at that dog. That's so cute. Oh, that person looks happy to be walking the dog. Or I like I like what they're wearing. Or they're thinking. Oh, look at those tits. Like them tits. Oh, look at that big bum. Huh? Oh, that person's got a nice haircut. Oh, I like those glasses. Or they're thinking, Ah, I'm lost. Where should I go? Or oh, this area is fun. I'm a tourist here or Oh, I'd really like ice ice blended coffee from Starbucks or, oh, there's a dog park near here. I'm gonna go watch the dogs play or, you know, that's what I'm that's what's running through my mind. That's so funny. I don't think that people are like, Oh, that's that person's unattractive. So full of myself. Everyone's walking by me. We're going ooh, gross. I'm just like, they love my kids Wow, what a gift. My brain has given me with that. Yeah, cuz you know what, I think what I'm thinking about other people when I'm walking around, I'm like, Oh, look at their tits. Like, unless they're nice to it. So, oh, that person looks happy. Or, Oh, they're having a nice chat with each other and oh, look at that puppy. And, you know, because that's what that's what I'm thinking is those things? Oh, that's nice. Hey, Vinnie is brain thanks for doing that. That's pretty cool. But obviously, that's that's not everyone's reality. And I'm very lucky I'd like to have access to to therapy and I have access to drugs that helped me with my mental health and and I've been doing this work a long time. And you know what, I'm because I'm surrounded by people who are not judgmental, themselves. I don't worry about it. Like I you know, I see friends or whatever. And I'm not thinking they're thinking negatively because they don't talk like that about other people. Let's say for example, some Internen friend of the show some in an in body image coach. Never, ever would I ever think that she was like, Oh, that's a shit color on Vinny or Oh, Vinny is looking fat today. No way. No, it wouldn't even cross her mind. Maybe? Maybe it does, but I wouldn't like I wouldn't. Because I know what type of person she is. And if I did have someone in my life, that was I thought that they would be judging me. I don't think that relationship would survive. Or I would be talking to them about their own body image and saying, Hey, you okay. Like what's going on? What's what's going on with this? That's not really my it's not really my vibe. You know, the whole judging other people's appearances? Yeah, you know, well, I've not heard someone in like in real life in in, you know, not like in a movie or something. I have not heard someone judge someone else's appearance. Negatively. In years. How lucky am I? How lucky am I? Wow. So anyway, I'll stop bragging about how fucking amazing my life is. And you shut up code. That's not how I feel God. Yeah, so All right. I'll leave it here. I'll leave it here. I'll leave it. Let me know what you want me to talk about. If there's anything you want me to talk about, send me a message

Speaker 1

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and I'll make it happen. Maybe Oh guarantee we'll make it happen. For you like a talk about how sexy fer sorry, that's not going to happen. My feet ain't sexy. My feet are gnarly. Do you have gnarly V I see people who have got these nice feet. And I'm like, Where the fuck are they? How do they who has nice feet apart from like babies and men? Right? Who are men you like they get, they take their clothes off and over their feet are like, pristine. Never seen air like daylight like how they got these feet? I don't know, maybe that's just my experience with men, is they've got these gorgeous feet and women and other people don't. How is that happening? And I've had gnarly feet from the womb. You know, like when I was being birthed. My mom was like, Oh, the baby's feet are scratching me. Like, and my mom's feet like that. Like, who has soft feet? I know. But I use, there's a you know, what's really good for 90 feet is urea cream really good and make some soft feel, you know? And then then I'm like, Oh, my feet are soft now. And then. And then I don't use it for like, two days. And then they're not soft anymore. But it really works. It really works when I can be bothered to do it. And, and you know, one of those buffers on your feet. I can't remember the brand of it. But there's one that she's like an electric that ships so good, so satisfying. Anyway, I'm gonna stop talking about my feet. And let you run off into the wild CLI. And if you liked the show, if you like the show, or if you don't, and you just want to give me money, then you can go to Kofi. And you can get free stuff if you subscribe. Well, I guess not free. You're paying to subscribe. You get stuff instead of just donating and you just get the happiness of donating. Yeah, okay, well, I'll see you in a while alligator. Stay first party goodbye.

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