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Full moon in Aquarius possession and the feeling function: Otter Voice Meeting Notes

Full moon in Aquarius possession and the feeling function

Riordan Regan42min

Riordan Regan

00:02

A Fight Club echoing in my consciousness, the moon just disappeared. Wow, huh, fully disappeared. That's actually really bizarre. All of a sudden, I'm reminded of that conversation Jess and Joe, or Jess talked about just looking up one day, I think it was the moon. It was some planet was there, and then it was gone. I mean, I'm sure it slipped behind a cloud. It was going behind one but an interesting experience, as I was just about to talk about disappearing completely,

Riordan Regan

00:55

Tyler Durden in the field, Fight Club in my consciousness, her words coming out of my mouth that I used to be such a nice girl, like they told me in daycare, what happened to You? You used to be such a nice girl now you're just a spoiled brat. When I was your age, we had to eat mice and rats for breakfast, and we'd be grateful for it.

Riordan Regan

01:37

That wasn't even what I was going to talk about. But I guess somehow it must be related. When things come into your conscious awareness, there's a reason. Sitting here with scenes from Fight Club flashing before my eyes, though it's been at least a decade since I saw that movie, his words coming out of my mouth, and I used to be such a nice guy, her story living through my body, sitting here dissociated, floating somewhere above myself, watching me enact patterns that aren't even mine. These aren't even my cravings. These aren't even my achings. These aren't even my wantings or my wounds. They're playing out through my body like I'm a marionette on strings being led around by somebody I

Riordan Regan

02:44

Yeah, it'd be a great play if I could ever finish it, if I could ever even really properly start it. But I'm so busy with OCD repetition endlessly playing out the karmic pattern set in place by my ancestors. There's a reason Tyler Riordan is all up in my field, because

Riordan Regan

03:20

I'm living the twin consciousness, double life.

Riordan Regan

03:32

Sagittarius Gemini was what I wanted, but I was inexorably pulled down into the darkness to reclaim the karma of my lineage.

Riordan Regan

03:56

Maybe that's part of why it's been so hard leaving Steven I looked up his chart again this morning, and I did a synastry Sneak peek and overlaid mine with his. And man, it's weird, the things that align at Gemini and Sagittarius. I the same signs on opposite sides whispering at each other from across the sky. What does it mean? I still don't have a firm enough grasp to really understand i

Riordan Regan

04:47

i feel like she took me from him

Riordan Regan

04:55

by this karmic destiny i i was cosmically fated to recreate. I understand why Lawrence says, the longer I'm Astra I'm an astrologer, the less I believe in free will. Starting to feel that way if it's all written in the stars. Do you really have a choice in anything I

Riordan Regan

05:23

I mean, again, if we look at the quantum possibility, then I guess you always have a choice. It's just which order do you want to do it in? You're going to do all of them, all of a sudden it feels like making a decision shouldn't feel like such a hard thing, because eventually you're going to do everything. It's just which one do you want to experience first? Which one do you want to experience now you

Riordan Regan

06:05

man, I can have such good ideas when I can get that aching, breaking, racing part, that anxious part out of the way, why do I keep going and keep going? Because I'm replaying her pattern, but also I'm trying to get to the place where her chatter isn't playing in my brain anymore. It's like every time I help her with something, I take on her patterns, it's like she's unburdened and I'm now cursed with them. That's how it's felt since the beginning, if I really did have a Pluto transit when I was one, then being born, was my Pluto return, surviving into the first year, most infants didn't live that long Back in the potato famine. I find it really, really interesting that people got really, really fixated in the queer group on the too much not enough thing. I

Riordan Regan

07:52

hmm, because too much, not enough. It's add. It's queerness. It's, I mean, it's kind of just confirmation of my thesis that we, which just means my lived experience, which is that we, that our core wound is too much of what we didn't get or not enough of weight too much of what we didn't need and not enough of what we did, too much not enough kids turn out kind of damaged. All of a sudden I got freezing. I think maybe Dee, Dee's here. Hello, hello. Is that Lee Taylor?

Riordan Regan

08:59

Whatever name you're going by these days.

Riordan Regan

09:13

I swear to God, a hand reached through a wormhole in the astral and removed the deerskin band from my wrist. I swear I saw it slip away into another dimension, just like that hand that appeared on the wall of the bathroom and turned the lights off on me when I was a kid in that house, I grew up in the giant freaking spiders climbing all over everything that dad used to literally rub my face in, as if that's the way to Make someone face their fears,

Riordan Regan

10:01

all these images, memories, dreams and reflections. I know at this point in the process that they all come back for a reason, and something's gonna make them all fit together. There's the moon. I see the cloud. It's hiding behind.

Riordan Regan

10:20

Tyler Durden is in the field because it's a story about possession.

Riordan Regan

10:34

Kit, I feel you here. Kit, hmm,

Riordan Regan

10:49

what is the spell

Riordan Regan

10:58

to reverse the charm that has put me in a trance,

Riordan Regan

11:08

playing out her story with my body. I do not consent to this. I

Riordan Regan

11:32

these feelings, these patterns, these do not even feel like mine. I came into this world, happy, confident, knowing who I was, knowing how to be my own best friend, enjoying my own company. I

Riordan Regan

12:05

being creative, putting things on stage. I was more prolific at that age than I ever was later. And yet I also know that it's about getting away from this fixation on creation and production, and more on the experiencing. I got to focus more on learning how to translate these things that I'm learning into language people can actually understand, because right now, I'm speaking gibberish to the villagers when it comes to the stars, the ceremony stuff, though, I could talk about that all day. I mean, practically did for a couple hours anyway, and they seem to really resonate. I could have easily introduced the journaling and discussion time then, and just been done, and I actually felt like I was out of steam before I even started the astrology. And that's the problem too. I think if I was going to offer it, I needed to dive into that first. And I actually would have, because it's so complicated. I mean, really, if people hadn't been coming late, I would have started with the serious meditation, and then we would have talked about, well, we would have started with cacao, I guess. So maybe, yeah, I don't know. I think I'm not going to offer cacao next time I

Riordan Regan

13:57

I'm just looking at my alter images. They make me feel very comforted and happy. Oh, my guardian. It's funny too. They're all Whoa. All of the images I selected are staring directly at me head on. Wow, that's actually kind of freaking me out. That's so funny. Of all I have selected all animals that are staring me straight in the eyes. Of all the images I have that's really funny, clearly I need to be seen. And this is my version of the animal Tea Party shit in it, that's fun. In it. Oh, you gotta have fun with it, or else you're just gonna kill yourself.

Riordan Regan

14:54

The Hermes owl, the sacred squirrel, the crone and the crow on her head with a sacred fire, the deer shaman with the flame swirling around him. Wow. They've all got almost the exact same background too, which is basically a swirling fire like image or a glowing light behind their heads. That's fucking wild. I mean, that's the solar zenith. That's the full moon in leo, that's Mercury Retrograde in the sun sign. God, I can. It's so frustrating that I can talk about it when nobody's looking at me like all these guys are right now, Ganesh is staring me down too. He doesn't have the background, though, a little stuffed owl, OWL radio. Hello, hello. Yep, I see you. That's just so fucking wild. I'll have to take a picture. Yeah, well, because it's mom's story playing out through me gathering all the animals for the Tea Party because nobody wanted to hang out with her in real life, because she didn't really try, because she pushed them away, because it was safer her nervous system thought, than risking exposure and getting shut down again. Because nothing's more painful than that rejection to a little kid, I get it. I remember it. I experienced it with Dad myself directly.

Riordan Regan

16:54

It all makes sense, everyone's guilty and no one's to blame, but we got to remember, it's a game that we agreed to play, and that's the rub. Tyler. Jordan consciousness, why is everyone calling me by your name? Are we the same person I then, and I'm up all night too, blurring the lines in reality, have I been going to sleep earlier and earlier? Have I been Tyler longer and longer? Am I my mother? Am I turning into her? I mean, it's all of our worst fear, in a way, and deepest desire to merge with her, to return to her, to be indistinguishable from her again, the Oedipal urge To kill the father, the masculine washer, the Saturn,

Riordan Regan

18:10

and fuck the mother,

Riordan Regan

18:20

so we can get back to the place where we don't have to do anything anymore.

Riordan Regan

18:32

The urge to die is really about the Return to Paradise, the longing for a time we remember when we weren't incarnated, floating in that amniotic fluid, suspended animation, everything you Need provided for you without you even doing anything.

Riordan Regan

19:06

That's not life, that's not being alive, there's the moon again. Oh, Hi, baby. Life requires feeling, life requires hurting, life requires risking. It deeply disturbed me when she was responding to my voice memo. I only listened to a few minutes of it, then I freaked out and had to turn it off. And she said, I have to write things down, or else I don't remember, I start going into the feeling instead of listening to the words, like, what the fuck that's the opposite of the point Jesus, like, no wonder this is such a fixation. I

Riordan Regan

20:05

All I'm trying to do is get out of the words and get back to the feeling. But I can't remember how to do it, so I approximate the feeling function, turn Marie von fazen to von Franz into a verb, act like I'm a fucking robot running a protocol.

Riordan Regan

20:34

Why do I keep going? Because I can't feel anything, because I'm trying to get to the place where this voice doesn't play in my head on a 24/7 365, what the fuck does that even mean? I can't believe I didn't explain the Gregorian calendar shit today, except to say that it was wrong. It plays on a loop, 1313, 1313, 13, the number of number of expansion, To me, of inspiration of exploration bigger And bigger. I

Riordan Regan

22:01

The moon looks beautiful. She just revealed herself again to me, round and full, shining so brightly.

Riordan Regan

22:21

How do I break free from her story? I feel like the thing that reached through the wormhole and took my dear skin today is telling me that, because it came from a drum that I made her, that there was some kind of karmic imprint in it. But can't we just cleanse the spirit of the thing, so I can still wear it, because it brought me such comfort and such regulation. There's just not enough of that. And I've lost both the things that really have been Constance on the Nomad path, the way orange scarf and my dear bracelet. But something must be tying me to her through them, things leave your service when they're finished.

Riordan Regan

23:22

Hmm, I don't want to live her story anymore. I just want to have my own fucking life before I die.

Riordan Regan

23:36

And is this all? Deedee, like Deedee, I asked commune with you directly. Please. Have you gained any clarity on the other side animals staring at me. Don't just stand there and stare at me. Do something, say something. What's happening in the other realms that I need to know about.

Riordan Regan

24:06

What can I do here on Earth to resolve this karmic cycle I

Riordan Regan

24:50

hot for the moon, so full, so beautiful in Aquarius, amplifying the tension between the individual and the collective. Where are we falling into an illusion, self deception, or pulling the wool over others eyes? This is 13 con fuck. Sagittarius and Gemini are the two sides of 13. Khan, oh, shit, that's interesting. It's number one and number two, I'm the bad guy,

Riordan Regan

25:38

the one that keeps smoking damn cigarettes. Even though it's ruining my senses,

Riordan Regan

25:53

even additive free tobacco ain't mapacho, I

Riordan Regan

26:04

we can bless it. Let's not pretend it's the same as what's in the rainforest. You

Riordan Regan

26:27

connecting with my own twin consciousness,

Riordan Regan

26:36

Gemini, costumed Uranus.

Riordan Regan

26:55

And duh, it's freaking three emotions today, internalizing the collective consciousness. Jesus, no shit, getting lost in that ocean, Neptunian dissolving, forgetting where I end and others begin. Borders, blending. Sometimes that's a good thing, but sometimes it's scary, when it's involuntary, watching myself enact these patterns that I don't even want to be doing, that are making me be a hypocrite when that is not me, it's not me, the me sitting here fucking pouring the cup over and over, I'm gonna have a freaking heart attack. I'm not even tasting it. I'm not even experiencing it. I'm just fucking possessed by the ghosts of Dede and my fucking mom, was not even dead, yet, the ghosts of our ancestors who are having their way with our bodies, unconscious Association, involuntary possession, I do not consent to this and I take my spirit back.

Riordan Regan

28:36

These staring images as my witness, the moon in their suppleness, as my witness, I call my spirit back and I reclaim my body. Let's get it on track already,

Riordan Regan

29:00

right on cue, as I was thinking about the fact that hospitals staff more people on full moons, even though they act all scientific and rational, a whole symphony of sirens started up outside. The moon illuminates things we'd rather not see, things we go to great lengths to keep it in and the truth is, much of this shit isn't even ours, but once we've seen it, once it's been made part of our present, it's our responsibility to do something about it, or it becomes an action, not just a reaction. I

Riordan Regan

30:11

I'm totally freaking out right now in my head, though,

Riordan Regan

30:20

I don't want to live their stories anymore. I call my spirit back. I call my spirit back. I call my spirit back. Let's reclaim our life. Get back on track. I do not choose this experience anymore. I

Riordan Regan

30:51

They are animating my body, making me all neurotic. That is not my natural state. It never was, and it's not theirs either. All this is handed down. I know, I know I get it.

Riordan Regan

31:10

I I don't want to do the fucking dance anymore. This ends here. Full Moon and Aquarius lighting up my Mars and Venus, revisiting the parental relationships, the patterns set from those caregivers in the beginning. I rewire them, redo the process, burn the whole fucking place down if I have to, but I will not drive away in this broken down vehicle with no solution. I

Riordan Regan

32:15

i Half assingly trying for disillusion because it feels too vulnerable

Riordan Regan

32:26

to ask for what I want when I have things I can't afford elsewhere, the fact that there is even this fucking class system is so fucking backwards, It makes me want to break shit. I'm Luna. I

Riordan Regan

32:53

I feel like I can't trust anyone, and that's part of the problem. That's part of the con job. Whoa, the sky looks exactly like Vincent's Starry Night, except dark. That's fucking cool.

Riordan Regan

33:10

Hi. Do dose cacao visions and Avenida, and there's some mugwort in the mix and some valerian, just from that tincture that roshika gave me. I'm

Riordan Regan

33:29

really late. Not thinking that it was too late.

Riordan Regan

33:39

Yeah, I forgot what I was saying. I

Riordan Regan

33:48

I don't want to live out her storyline no more. I want to take my life back as my own, and I'm freezing cold right now, even though it is warm in here. Dee, dee, quantum, dead ghost self. What do you have to teach me? Oh, I know what I was gonna say. It's like everything is getting stripped away, trying to get me alone and kill me. And this is part of the danger of AI, like I am glad I was reminded of it, and now I don't even know what I think, because I've been in the Lawrence position and I've been in the gallery position of total fear and panic and refusal to accept that this is even part of our world. But I've also given too much away to the Android that's only getting more and more befuddled and confused and harder to work with as time goes on, which is really interesting. Like, maybe it's too far gone. Maybe I've already fucked it up so much with my own adult processes that now there's no repairing it. I

Riordan Regan

35:37

I feel this longing, I feel this anger, but I'm calm the Hindu cow from the insane quantities of cacao that I've consumed in the past 24 hours.

Riordan Regan

35:58

There's been a lot of shame, there's been a lot of alienation, there's been a lot of playing out other people's neurotic patterns through my body, and I'm sick of giving my fucking body away to everyone all this fucking time, can I just live my own fucking story for once? Can I just fucking walk normally for once, make a decision that's actually mine, live a timeline that I actually choose, but yeah, fate versus free will, blah, blah, I know whatever, maybe it chooses you, but can we at least have the version that feels like I have some agency already? I

Riordan Regan

36:52

I feel like I don't know how to love her and have her in my life without giving it all away and losing like a fucking week trying to get myself back. I mean, it's what happened after the ceremony, and yet it it feels important, and it feels like part of my karma, but like Jesus Christ, I don't want all of my fucking life to go towards my goddamn mama. I miss having a partner. I want to share my life with someone appropriately with multiple someone's

Riordan Regan

37:39

like all the fucking creative ideas that go nowhere. It's like all my energy is going to this fucking tether connecting us still that doesn't seem to fucking fray no matter how many times I cut it. I hope that's what dieta does. I'm getting desperate, and I know that it's not supposed to be a fix it measure, and that's not the way I was going towards it whatsoever. But I I mean, that was the theme last time. I don't know, maybe something happens before then

Riordan Regan

38:28

I'm dedicated to not making astrology, another thing that I was almost really good at doing and never quite got there. I will do this, and I will find a way to share when I'm learning. I could make a really good online course. I think I

Riordan Regan

39:00

There are no words, because it's just about the feeling of feeling like Dee, dee was standing right in the room, facing off with me, like just waiting for me to give some kind of something that resembled consent.

Riordan Regan

39:26

It's like too late. Mom's already in there. Dad's already in there.

Riordan Regan

39:47

Who is the one that's talking when I mutter these insults to myself over and over.

Riordan Regan

40:03

Of course, I just saw my fucking dad in my head. He doesn't seem like the journaling type, but what do I know?

Riordan Regan

40:25

And she was talking earlier about not remembering anything. It was getting harder, and I'm having the same experience just because I'm channeling her. I want to cut this cord while still having a good relationship with her. Can't it be both? I

Riordan Regan

40:52

i Miss Steven. I think part of why this storyline feels unfulfilled is that I do feel like she interfered. I don't even know how maybe just through the ancestral shit that I played out.

Riordan Regan

41:27

I don't know what to do if it starts a scene. I know that much approximate the feeling function till you know how to act the part, I guess.

Riordan Regan

41:55

I really want freedom from this voice that never stops criticizing me ever. I want to find a way to tune it out that isn't taking fucking hours of meditation to get to a place of regulation that isn't having to use an assistant. I

Riordan Regan

42:37

I guess that's my new moon intention.

Riordan Regan

42:45

And it is quite a query, and let me see where I end and she begins bring more definition to that. And.

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