146. How to prepare for difficult conversations with team members, clients, or collaborators | Otter.ai

146. How to prepare for difficult conversations with team members, clients, or collaborators

Brooke Monaghan18min

Brooke Monaghan

00:00

You're listening to transcend your dichotomy, the podcast where we break the rules that say we have to leave ourselves behind in pursuit of success. I'm Brooke Monaghan and I created the show for purpose driven business owners. Together, we'll talk about how to go for your goals have an impact, all while honoring yourself, your desires and your values.

Brooke Monaghan

00:27

Today, we are talking about preparing to have difficult conversations. Now, the reality of business is that you have to interact with people. And so that means that at some point, you're gonna have to have a tough conversation. It could be with an employee, it could be with an independent contractor, it could be with a client, it could be with a collaborator, or someone else that's involved in your business or not, I actually decided to create this episode and the download that I have available, which I'm going to tell you about in a moment, after having a bunch of conversations with new managers, who were kind of agonizing over how to have this conversation with an employee and get the outcome that they want. And I've really had to level set expectations with a lot of my private clients recently, and let them in on the fact that actually, the point of having or their role and having a difficult conversation is not to figure out how to get a certain result, it is to go into the conversation clear on how to like, handle their end of the conversation and let other people do what they're going to do. And that can be scary. But my hope is that with what I share with you today, and with this tool that I created for you, which you can download, to put this into action, you'll start thinking about these conversations a bit differently and hopefully free up some of the brain power that is currently going into the over functioning, the overthinking the over preparing the agonizing over or even the putting off of hard conversations, and instead be able to channel that into things that are more important or just like having the damn conversation and getting it over with. So what I did was, in addition to this episode, I also put together a prep tool for you that you can use, you could print it out, or you could just fill it out on your computer. And it will help you to actually write some of these things out, get some clarity before you have the hard conversation. And hopefully, that will allow you to go into the conversation much more confident, much more clear, and hopefully with some more success. So you can go to the episode page for this website, or just right in the show notes. If you are not able to access the shownotes go to Brooke dash monaghan.com/ 146, which is the episode page for the site. And you can grab that hard conversation prep tool right there. And you will also find a blog post that outlines these points as well. So if you want to revisit this, and that would be a more useful or accessible way for you to do so. I am partnering with crunch Ron Gianni, who's going to repurpose this into a blog post for you. Because transcripts are not very readable. And if audio is not your thing, then my hope is that that will be a little bit more helpful and accessible for you. Now, I'm doing this for this episode with this additional tool and the blog post. I'm starting that with this episode specifically because I know that this is a thing that you might hear it and think, yeah, okay, cool, whatever, but not actually implemented. And if you've heard some of this before, but you continue to approach tough conversations differently, or you continue to avoid tough conversations, I am telling you right now, this will make a massive difference, but you need to sit with it. And you need to allow yourself to process a little bit why you might be avoiding going into hard conversations this way, there's probably deeper fear going on. And there's a couple of things that you might need to do. One thing is you might need to just do it. And act your way into a new way of thinking about things and prove to yourself that you can survive and see what happens. And it's going to be a lot easier to do that if you are clear going in. And my hope is that that prep tool will help you be a bit more clear going in. The other thing is there might need to be some additional work or additional coaching that will allow you to

Brooke Monaghan

04:37

stop with this pattern. And it's really helpful to just notice if that's going on. And I would really encourage you if you kind of blow through this episode and find that you're still avoiding hard conversations or you're still unclear on what your role is going into hard conversations that you sit with us a bit more and really allow us to process because it's so easy to go out looking For more information or different information, when really what you need to do is just sit down and actually take it in and implement. This is going to be a quickie, but a powerful one if you implement. So the first thing is, again, I want you to set aside the need to get a specific outcome and focus on your end of the conversation, you cannot control the way that people are going to behave, you can't control the way that people are going to respond. You can't control how people are going to feel about a thing, once you get into the territory of trying to control how somebody is going to respond to what you're saying, you are now manipulating. That's the truth. I don't say that to make you feel bad, I say it to just draw your attention to it. Because I don't think that that's really who you what you want to do. If you're a listener of this podcast, it also doesn't get great results, you generally end up setting yourself up for a long term relationship, that just does not work. So let's not do it. Now, this is difficult for folks, because it can be scary to think, well, what if I have this conversation and I piss this person off? And then they do X, Y, and Z? What if I have this conversation and they respond to this way? And then I have this on my hands? Well, at that point, you need to trust that you you can then handle that situation later. Right? Same thing, like I used to talk often about with business ideas like don't get in your head about well, what if I try this thing, and then this happens. And then that happens. If that's not a problem right now, then don't start draining energy into solving a problem that doesn't yet exist. So when you go into a tough conversation, remember, it's your job to focus on your end of the deal. You can't control what the outcome is going to be. But what you can do is remind yourself that whatever happens, you're going to be able to handle it, you're going to figure it out, and this conversation needs to happen. The second thing that I want you to think about is Get clear on why you need to have the conversation, what is the problem that needs to be solved? What do you hope to achieve. And again, we're keeping in mind that we can't control their behavior or emotions. So if you pull yourself away from that, and back to why you need to have the conversation, it can take a lot of the drama, and the overthinking out of the whole process. So let's say you have to have a conversation with somebody because you're raising your rates. And this person is a client of yours, and you need to inform them of the fact that your rates are changing. You could go into this and say, okay, my the purpose of this conversation is to get this person to sign up at my higher rate, and be happy about it, well, you're kind of setting yourself up for an impossible situation, because you don't have any control over that. So no wonder why you are agonizing over how to go into this conversation. And thus putting off having it or not knowing what to say. So instead, come back to again, what you can focus on on your end. So the purpose of having a conversation is to inform this person of your new rates. Let's say that this is a situation with an employee, and you need to give them some difficult feedback, you're noticing something that is not working. And you need to have a conversation about the fact that this isn't working. You can't make the purpose of the conversation to deliver the feedback, make them change their behavior and have them not feel bad. All that you can do is deliver the feedback. So if you come back to this question of what is the purpose of the conversation, and you pull out anything that you can't control, because it's actually something that's going to happen on the other person's and you can allow yourself to get much more clear on what it is that you are there to do and what your job is, and take a lot of that extra kind of drama and impossible situation making out of the equation

Brooke Monaghan

09:13

that I want you to now that you're clear on what it is that you why it is that you need to have this conversation, I want you to write down the hard points that need to be communicated, especially the things that you really don't want to say. So this might include examples or specific instances that you need to address or conversations or agreements that need to be reinforced, asks that you need to make a feel like a lot things, the points in the conversation that you think might be most challenging for you to communicate, but you know, need to be communicated and need to be a part of this conversation. They can't go unsaid within this conversation. So write those specific things down. I recommend that you We'll also practice saying them, practice how you're going to say them, practice, what you're going, what your response is going to be if somebody challenges you, so you don't need to go into the conversation, ready to rattle off every single instance of a thing that needs to be addressed. But you'd go into the conversation and say, This isn't working, here's the thing that I'm noticing. And if they challenge you on that, then you can respond with the specifics, because you wrote them down, you were clear on them, you know exactly what it is, that needs to be communicated or reiterated, and you've actually practiced saying it, it's gonna feel silly to practice saying it. But actually, it makes a huge difference. So this could be it doesn't necessarily need to be that you like sit down at a desk and you practice or that you stand in front of a mirror, maybe you're driving in your car, like, who cares if the person at the red light is going to be like this person is talking to themselves, yeah, I'm the person that talks to themselves in their car, I have full conversations with other people in the car, I don't care, it makes a difference to the effectiveness of the conversation. And I recommend that you do it as well. So write down and practice saying the hard points that need to be communicated. And get clear on what those are, before you go into the conversation. I also think that there are instances where like, especially if it's a zoom call, you can have those notes in front of you. So that way, it's not about reading off of them. It's more about an agreement with yourself that these are the things that are going to be said before you get off of that call. If it's a conversation that's happening in person, you might bring some notes to that meeting. If that feels appropriate. You just need to have an agreement with yourself going in that you're not going to allow yourself to enter that conversation without bringing these things up. Now, of course, there are situations where you might need to make an exception. If you sit down with someone, and it's very clear that they are having a particularly hard day and you're just going to be piling on. And you could wait a day, like make the call, right? I'm not saying like Under no circumstances do you let yourself out of it, use your discernment and use your judgment. But generally, like if you are now sitting down and having the conversation, you need to be clear on what it is that you need to say and not let yourself like just slip out of it without saying the hard thing.

Brooke Monaghan

12:28

The fourth thing is to clarify your boundaries. So what are you willing to do? And what are you not willing to do? Let's say that we're talking about a situation with an employee, and you need to give them feedback on something that isn't working? How are you willing to support them? What are you willing to tolerate? And what is absolutely not okay, and needs to change? This especially is true, if this has been like you've had this conversation multiple times, you need to be clear on what happens next. So this is now the second time that we've talked about this, where giving you you know, if this happens, again, here's what's going to happen. Or there have been scenarios that I have coached people through where maybe there was an employee who was having a hard time they asked for some sort of accommodation, they made the accommodation, the behavior hasn't changed. Now they need to talk to them about okay, I've made the accommodation, that behavior still hasn't changed. I'm no longer making that accommodation, because clearly, that's not the thing that's making the difference. And I need you to figure this out. Now you can then ask, what is it that I can do to support you in that? How can I help you with that, but you need to be clear on what you are willing to do and what you're not willing to do, depending on what they asked for. If this is a conversation with a client, or a collaborator, and you are saying, Okay, this isn't working for me, or in this case of a client, if it's a rate increase conversation that I had been referencing, and that person then responds and says, Well, I can't do that. Can you do this for me? You just need to be clear on like, what are you willing to do? And what are you not willing to do figure it out before because if you go into the conversation unclear, you're gonna then be reacting. And you might agree to things that you don't want to agree to. And then you're going to be sorry, and you are not going to trust yourself the next time that it's time to have hard conversations because you're creating a pattern. So if you are instead very clear and your boundaries before you go in, that's going to set you up to know how to respond.

Brooke Monaghan

14:34

The fifth thing is and this is the final thing that you need to do so once you have set aside the need to get a specific outcome, you've gotten clear on why you need to have the conversation you've written down and practice saying the hard points that you know need to be communicated and you've clarified your boundaries, the things that you are willing to do and not willing to do or what happens next. The final thing is to ground to visual realize and to come back to your confidence. So this is different for every person, it depends on what your thing is, for some people, a way that they build up their confidence is by going and talking to a person who can reminds them of what they're capable of. Maybe it's a coach, maybe it is a supervisor of some sort, maybe it's a friend. For other people, I have one client who prays and I have advised her before to say a prayer before she goes into the conversation, if that's the thing that's going to keep you grounded, do that before you go into it so that you are reminded of like, who you are, where you are. And I also recommend visualizing who you want to be in that conversation, visualizing how you would like that conversation to go. And again, the visualizing how you want the conversation to go is not about you, then being able to like manifest like somebody else's behavior, you can't do that. But it's more about being clear on if things were going to go the way that you wanted to go, who would you be in that scenario, and you're reminding yourself of who you want to be when you go into it, and not going into it already convinced that it's going to go to shit or talking yourself out of the way that you know, you need to walk into that conversation and come back to your confidence. So this kind of comes back to my first point about you can handle whatever happens if a person doesn't like what you said, and they respond in a way that you don't like, you can handle it if you go in to raise your rates. And you're already clear that you want to raise your rates with a client who you've been working with, and they say no, then you need to be confident that you will replace that spot with a different client. And it's going to work out better in the long term, you need to be confident if you have a conversation with an employee, and it pisses them off, and they decide to quit or something, you need to be confident that that conversation needed to happen. And you will handle it by getting another person into that role. When you start having these conversations, what you do is it might be scary going into it but you actually start to build your confidence. And it becomes easier and easier every time because you remember that if something goes goes in a way that you don't want it to go, you're going to be able to handle it because you do hard things. So if you want to print out a tool or fill out on your computer or tool, it's going to help you go into your next conversation again, you can go to the shownotes or you can go to the episode page for this episode. We're also going to have a blog post on this. So if that is an easier way for you to take this in or you want to revisit that go to Brooke dash monahan.com/ 146 You'll find the episode page with blog posts and with the download for the hard conversation tool. I hope this was helpful for you and if you know someone who needs to hear it, send this episode along so that they can be ready for their next hard conversation. Transcend your dichotomy is production of passion and process collaborative LLC. This show is produced by me Brooke Monaghan with production and marketing support from Alex Henderson. If you want to support me in the show, the best way to do that is to leave a rating and review on Apple podcasts and share the show with someone who you know needs to hear it for free trainings my weekly newsletter or to join us in the Rule Breakers crew. Go to Brooke dash monahan.com That's mon a Ghan. Love you I'll see you next week.

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