And I accepted that he would say abusive things about my body, because I believed them to be true. And so when he complained, saying Why do your tits look like that? Why do you have saggy tits? I would be like apologizing For my body, I want to go back right now and just like teleport, and just go and punch him in the face. So I would have sex with people way before I wanted to prove that I had value because I could please them and prove that someone wanted me. And I wanted them to fall in love with me because I had had sex with them. And it would mean that they had overlooked my fatness. But they did it because I had so much more to give because I was I was having sex with them. And this is a lesson I learned very young. So in my neighborhood, there was a boy that that would come and visit his grandma. And he lives his grandma lived opposite me, Daniels when my first boyfriend, and so I'd be his girlfriend, but also there was a girl that lived two doors behind him called genuine kowski. Jenny was blond and thin. And so he would swap between the two of us. I mean, there was no other boy, I guess, because there was no other boys our age or around. So he would like dump me and go out with her and then dump her and go out of me. And I would always say to him, Daniel, you know, I will do more things with you than Jenny's. Jenny won't like kiss you because we were like kissing each other. So this is when I was like 10 Yeah, about nine or 10. We'd like kiss. And so to get him more and more interested, I would say, Oh, I'm let's try this new kiss that, that the kids in the street were talking about. And it was like, you know, do the washing machine kiss where you like, roll your tongue around each other's mouths and the rainbow kiss? Oh my god, this is so disgusting. Skip ahead. 30 seconds if you don't want to hear something disgusting. But the rainbow case was when you would you would stand close to each other. And then you would spit into each other's mouths. And the rainbow bit would be like the spit going up into the air and then into their mouth. And then the other would reciprocate. That would be the rainbow because I'm telling you I bet you some adult was like, you know, some kid was like, What's kissing mean? And then someone said it mean spitting into each other's mouths. And then some kid heard that and was like, This is what kissing is. And then kids did it. You know? That wasn't I remember doing that and being like, Oh, that's so disgusting. But you know, if I do it, then Daniel won't don't dump me. He dumped me in the end. Who knows who he ended up with? Not Not me, obviously. And not generally Gaskey. But, yeah, so with all partners, I believe that it was my job to sexually satisfy them and to avoid having to inconvenience them with my wants, needs and desires. To the point of about 95% of the orgasms. I had were fake. If a guy tried to pleasure me one, I wouldn't be comfortable because I felt like I didn't deserve the pleasure. Because, you know, he was doing me a favor by having sex with me, too. I believe that he was probably feeling disgusted, that he was having to pleasure me. And three, I wanted them to believe that I was so easygoing, and that I that I was so like a porn star, that I would fake an orgasm in like 2.5 seconds. And so if a guy was like, if a guy was interested in making sure that I had fun, I wouldn't let him because I be like, you know, he looked at me and I'm like, Oh, my God, I just had an enabler. Okay. Okay, well, that was easy. And so it's kind of just contributed to this feedback loop of them thinking that they could make me come just by flopping their deck out and I'm like, Oh, my God, I just had none of them. And so then how hard would that be then for me to be like, Oh, actually, no, you have to do stuff. So I would constantly want to make up for the fact that they had a defective partner by doing stuff I didn't necessarily want to do or making myself hypersexual for them. So you know, buying lingerie and constantly shaving my legs and shaving my our soul and going to sex classes to learn how to give great blow jobs and hand jobs and all sorts of things and being super feminine, and trying to portray myself as as weak and as little as possible to try and be this kind of porn star type. person to make up for the fact that they had to have sex with a fat person. Now, most of my boyfriend's weren't, weren't like, Oh my God, you're fat. More is gross. I guess I'll have to have sex with you. It was only really that first one who behaved like that. And, and probably like some random guys in between who might have said comments and stuff like that, that kind of reinforced it. And society telling me constantly that being fat was really bad. And these poor guys oh my god, they're having to date these fat people. Oh, terrible, terrible life. To the point that I, I would accept so I was doing all this stuff. Lingerie shaved asshole for again, bleached. earholes. Like, you know, porn star hair, all that type of stuff. And in return, I would. I would accept like a smelly Dick shit stained underwear and a couple of pumps and be thankful for it. And be like, oh, you know, great sex live.