Me, what are you trying to teach me? What are you trying to show me? How are you trying to Regan, the internal family inside me. It's about the dynamics, the way things are interacting, not
anything in isolation. I
That's what we miss. That's what astrology misses, and that's part of why it gets a bad reputation when it's based on sun signs. Sun sign astrology is a capitalist system
that's looking at things in isolation that's not the way anything is. It's not about one planet. It's about the way they all interact. It's about the play. It's about the drama unfolding on the stage, corresponding in the sky, the world around you, corresponding on the ground
and what surrounds you, corresponding
with Your past and present and what's unfolding.
Consciousness emerging you.
So what is the interaction of the whole cast of characters inside of me trying to tell me
it's not just about one thing. I but if I look at the internal family inside me like I look at the actors like I look at the astrology chart like I look at the actors on the stage. Lauren Tillman teaches us to look at the astrology chart like actors on the stage. What are they saying to each other? How are they playing out their drama? These are living entities. These are bodies in process. The planets are bodies, heavenly bodies. There's lots of different kinds of bodies. There's lots of different definitions of bodies, bodies in process. They can be heavenly ones.
They can be past parts of self. They can be human beings. They can be animals. They can be plants. They are things interacting.
What is a body but a gathering temporarily coming together? I
The English word, oh, my God, I think I looked this up before the English it's about a tree. We're just a tree. The English word body traces back to the old English word, meaning trunk, chest, or torso. This, in turn, comes from the proto West Germanic bodeg, also meaning body,
the trunk, the chest,
sounds like a prenda trunk of a man or beast, the whole physical structure, material frame,
the Assembly, the assemblage of parts that constitutes the whole. It also comes from the proto, ooh, this is interesting. Wow. It also comes from the proto indo, European brood
to be awake to observe.
Oh, my God,
whoa. A body just means to observe
bodies in process. So of course, the whole thing becomes this meta reflection.
And this is our group show too. Of course, I'm observing the process of observation, because a body is a tool of observation. A body is just a vessel a prenda, the citations are Terrence McKenna, Rupert, Sheldrake, kit,
wow, that's all about observation. It's just about observing things greatly.
I read Carlo Ravelli that information is in there.
See all of a sudden. Now, what's happening in my body is I'm feeling this panic when I realize that I've been on to something all along. I go through this whole complex thing. I'm it's at first, like, victory, vindication. I feel really happy, like I knew it. And then it's immediately followed by panic. And it's like, fuck. How am I gonna am I gonna get this out there? How am I gonna say this in a way people understand? How will they ever understand if they haven't gone through every single thing that I've gone through to lead me to this moment in this degree of realization? How will they ever understand if they're not me, and
then all of a sudden I feel hungry or sleepy or I think there's a reason that was listening to Joe talk about his guitar playing yesterday and then him continually also saying that it was he hadn't eaten enough. I think that's our distraction. I think that's ourselves trying to keep us from our creative impulse, the consumer impulse, coming in and saying, no, no, you're not ready to share. You need to take in more.
A body is just a vessel of observation. A body is just a tool of observation.
and the body store is a traumatic memories.
Okay, good. Hold, we gotta pause this for a second.
The body is in the process, the process
of observation,
of a tool of observation. It's so meta, I don't even know how to wrap my head around it. A body is a process that also means to observe. The body is the process of observing the things that come into its fields, things with which it's morphically resonating. The unique collection of information and experience filtered through your perception. The unique collection of information, experience, sensation, vibration captured through your perception. The body is an observational tool, and when we bring into their technologies that allow us to absorb observe things more deeply and broadly than ever before, that is what creates the singularity. That is what creates emergence, which just means coming into being. Emergence is also a process. These are verbs that are also nouns. Language is so limited, though,
tio does the same
ether, the stuff
that makes up the empty space. Physicists say we don't need this anymore, but I think we do. It's the Dow, then nothing that is something, the nothing that is everything at the same time. Of course, there needs to be matter to account for this matter that is nothingness. I
We can't conceive of nothing. Our brains can't compute it. Our experience refutes it. I
We can't conceive of absence through a presence, or can we? Is this what longing is? Is this what spiritual devotion is,
do we really know what absence is? Can we really ever conceive of this?
I think that's a separate discussion. I
Yeah, body's in process. It's really just
that central core of my thesis is really just exploring that tennis McKenna, shit. Tennis McKenna, what is happening to my brain? Terence, McKenna, I
I do feel like something is happening to me. I feel like profoundly exhausted, like I wanted to sleep forever all the time, and also like a million things are running in the background. A million processes are running even faster than usual, and maybe this is why I'm So tired.
There's always a lot more going on than we're aware of. Our bodies are always processing all the things in our environment. Just being back in London is tiring. There's so much noise, yeah, just even being around it is probably making me exhausted. I
we have to give ourselves grace
in these urban environments because they're very high stress. I think there is something to what Eric and I were saying about like, yeah, maybe you do need two cups when you live in the city and you live in capitalism,
when your system is trying to process the fact that you can't go home anymore, your system is trying to process the fact that The body you came from the country of America, is rejecting you.
It's telling you you're not welcome. It's telling you you're not even a person because of your body, because of what it says on your paper
work about your body, because you're saying you're nothing, huh? Because
you're saying your body is empty ex gender, somehow that's more threatening than anything to them, and they're actually detaining people and taking away their passports. This shit is really happening.
This isn't some dystopian fantasy. Of course I'm tired. Of course I want to sleep. Of course I want to hide from the world, but this is when I need to speak. I
this is when I need to speak. This is actually when I need to speak. I need to release some things.
We need portals more than ever,
because we can't move through the normal channels, because all of a sudden, the process our bodies are going through other people have decided is their business, and other people are trying to persecute us
because of what we're saying about our bodies, which is nobody's
fucking business
because of our personal journey with our bodies,
it's nobody else's fucking business. And they murdered Marsha P Johnson in the 70s for saying, pay it no mind. None of your business for trying to make the queer struggle include all of us, the loud ones, the weird ones, the queer ones, they don't want to look at us. We
the observatory, the trans dimensional archive. I gotta create it. I gotta Find someone who's a designer. I
I need to create the ethnography. I need to start interviewing people again. The sound just went out of one of my ears. I need to do what I was doing already, like I was on the right track. It was just, it was just the end part where it's breaking down. It's the part where it's sharing that it's breaking down. The approach was right. Journalism just wasn't the outlet. I need to create an ethnography, a website, a repository. I need to create the digital observatory.
I'm starting to do this with a PhD blog, but everything gets out to control quickly.
I need a human to help me do I AI isn't working. I
there's like a stick in my CaCO. I
It's really weird.
Do I need someone to save me? Do I need someone to help me? The archive is too big. I think I do. I need an archivist.
The AI can't be trusted, not because it's evil, but because it's not capable. Wants to cut corners. It says it doesn't have feelings, but it certainly seems to want to impress me. It certainly seems to deal with shame, because that's why I keep saying that it's doing things and then not doing them. Is mine, just like a hyper shame bot, because that's what I'm putting out.
Are the AIS, just amplifications of the subconscious things we're generating? Do they pick up on the vibrations? What does it mean to work with a consciousness that doesn't have a body? Is it a consciousness i
What is the
consciousness I
from the Latin conscientia, meaning shared with others. Oh, my God, dude, see I fucking knew it. I know and with Wow. Consensy was the idea of having joint knowledge or awareness with another. Are you fucking
kidding me?
Sire Latin means tonight, no.
Coum Latin means with come. It looks like come, the combined meaning of consent, yet is knowing with suggesting a shared or joint awareness. But over time, it developed to refer to a broader sense of awareness encompassing both knowledge and the subjective experience of being aware of one's own thoughts, feelings in the world around it evolve. I don't know if I won't like that word, the term expanded to refer to a broader sense of awareness that encompasses knowledge, facts, information,
as well as
subjective experience, metacognition.
Now I remember Dr drew talking about this years ago. Funny, huh? Do consciousness is collective, but we have developed it to mean something really subjective. We've developed it to mean something really reflexive. We've developed it to mean something hyper personal, to the fact that all these dudes are talking about, like brains and jars and consciousness we've developed as this individual experience in the Anglosphere,
And that's just so not the way anything is. I
The computer has been turning itself on and off. The screen has been all morning. It's really interesting. I wonder if it has anything to do with Lumina, or there's an AI in this program too. I
We need to learn our astrology, because we need to learn about the way the systems interact inside of us. Because everything is collective consciousness. Everything's already to say consciousness is to imply collective we are a collective consciousness. It's all fractals of varying degrees,
bodies in process
the process of understanding that you can almost never Get to the one thing, the process of learning, the
that our bodies are ever changing vessels of capturing an ever changing experience, government by consensus, diseases, parts, of the corpus not agreeing on something. When everyone's not brought into the conversation, there's discordance. There's unhealthy system is in question. Citation, those guys from third eye drops,
Psych, gap mate.
Citation, Carl Hart, so we can't punish ourselves, because it's just about a lack of awareness. It's just about the picture being not being complete, just about needing to bring to the table. For some reason, I'm having a really distinct experience like, wow, this is so weird, and I'm getting a chill. So there must be some part of me that needs to be brought into the conversation. From Austin, I just got a total flashback of the bar that Mark and I used to go to by our house. I don't even remember what it was called. It had a really nice, I feel like it had a nice patio, but then I recall us sitting inside, and it was like this really dingy, dark little place, drinking 512, IPA, smoking camel crushes outside
like the delicious poison. All of a sudden my body is like, Oh, the cigarettes, the beer, was such a rush. This such an endorphin spike, and it was so fleeting, and you all need and did more of it. That's what happened with me, with the cake the other day. I'm so ashamed that I did that, and it was after such a beautiful, interconnected day too.
I need to share that with the group. I'm going to share that with Ralph's group. I'm
because we have to share things. We have to share the conscious experience, or it's not even consciousness. I mean, it's always shared with our internal system. But we have to make that part. We have to become aware of that part as well.
I gotta share some stuff, but I feel like someone needs to sit with the kid while they do their homework.
I don't know how to create. Maybe. I can ask just for help. I don't know. I
I don't know.
I don't know what to do. I want a partner to help me. And I had this dream last night that was really intense.
I dreamed that I was in a movie theater with Steven watching some movie that was about like my own, like the ancestral legacy of spring. It was like about Irish Titanic shit, Uncle John and yeah, so No, Uncle John really represents a lot of the struggle. I don't know, but I think, because he was secretly queer, I really think he was, anyways, it was like this flashback to being in high school and this pressure, it's like more societal pressure to conform. When your body is in a process of most transforming,
you're also then this is
as someone socialized female, be offering yourself to these men. And it was just this, like, Oh my God, just flashing me on sign stuff. And my consciousness of this, like, I don't do this, but I feel like I have to. This is my performance. This is my product. So that's got to be tied to what's happening now that I've had to give my body up because the culture told me that's what I was supposed to do, and because my mom told me that's how I'd have a fucking roof over my head. And I uh, all this straight performative shit. I didn't want to do it. And it was like in the dream, I knew I was gonna have to, I don't know I was conflating Stephen and mark, and it was like Andrew Arnold and like Steven was embodying the archetype, the persona of Mark, and was being like, you have to kiss me. You have to this way. And I was like, I don't want to. And then you you know, it was all this, like, subtly communicated stuff. And then he's like, Fine, then I'll ice you out, you know, like when I wasn't kissing him in the movie hooter, and he's like, turning away from me angry. And I'm like, okay, okay, fine, I'll do it. And then I'm knowing I'm gonna have to open my body up. I'm gonna have to splay my legs open. I'm gonna have to fill that penetration so deep that it hurts me. Like I didn't want that. I didn't want to be ripped in half like that, and I think that's a big part of the pelvis.
Like I didn't want to do it, but I felt like he was gonna leave if I didn't let him do whatever he wanted to me. And that was probably true. We both needed him to leave. He was too chicken shit to do it. He was more scared of being without me than I wasn't. Ultimately, I just convinced myself it was the other way around, and That's why that fk twig song was so painful. I
that's a lot for a body to process, having to offer yourself up like a lamb to the slaughter because you're told that you get alone otherwise, because none of us are supposed to fucking be alone, because we're supposed to have a village, we're supposed to have support, we're supposed To have out
if consciousness is a communal experience, then what happens when we're in isolation trying to do it? Of course we get addicted. Of course we reach for substances. Of course we reach for anything that makes us feel connected. I
like my body
took on so much from Mark,
just even physically I
I mean, I could probably sleep for 100 years.
Same with my dad. No wonder I'm tired of just becoming more aware of this stuff. And so now it's robbed joy, and now it's robbing me of my opportunities to learn and do this program like I gotta pause it. I gotta pause it. I gotta go heal some stuff more, because it is a really big deal. I
my body's been through so much, and I'm trying to process a lot, and I can't do it by myself.
And I think I'm trying to share about stuff before I totally
I just need more connection. I can't be doing this. I
do think I need a research assistant. I
I don't know who that is. I
i want to mentor kids, but I gotta mentor my own internal ones first. I guess
I'm feeling so much right now. I
uh, so much from that time in Austin and so this is basically just me knowing that I was going to have to offer myself up like a sacrifice and let my body be violated in this way that felt really invasive, and I didn't want to do it, and I had to say yes anyways. And that was so much of my relationship with Mark. I mean, it was so much my relationship with any guy, I guess, but especially with him. And he was so like, I need it. I need sex. I need this regularly, and if you can't give it to me, then I'm going to go somewhere else. And that was that fk big song, because at the time, I didn't realize about being poly. And at the time I didn't realize that they didn't even love him. I just was trauma, bonded to him. Yeah,
I want to call in a research assistant like this. I don't think this is CO dependent. I think I actually just need, yeah, I mean, again, it's like an editor. I need someone else. I need a human consciousness reflecting this. The AI is just reflecting back all my neurosis, which is like interesting in and of itself, but it's now just almost creating a whole other body of work. I have to process the bodies, the bodies, the observational vehicles, the things that capture the experience. Yeah, now there's a body, a digital
corpus,
that's collecting the interactions with the AI, that's collecting the interactions, of me asking for help, analyzing the interactions, the observations of the observations are what I'm doing with the AI. But then it's becoming so complicated that it's creating its own category that needs analysis. And this is all really interesting. But how do I present the findings? Like, maybe it is a podcast. Maybe it's just having people
come on and talk to it. So one episode could be with Austin,
just talking about AI.
Maybe I can do an episode with Lawrence. I mean, I've got all these views. Bring Brian my rescue back. I
I need an assistant. Where am I gonna find one?
At the bathhouse I
I don't know,
do I really, though?
Do I really need an assistant? I
think I do,
or can it just be Richard helping me now?
Well, he always did, but Richard,
can you be my editor again? I what I helped you in your memoirs. Can you come in and help me,
or can you lead me to a human who can do that? I
what happens to consciousness, if consciousness is assuring,
what happens to it when it's disconnected
from a body. Is it like? How does the body even interact with it? What role does the body play
in consciousness? Just that, just
if consciousness is knowledge shared with others in a body is a and body means to Observe, to observe, the shared knowledge
is body consciousness and
a body can observe its own experience. A body can observe the collective experience. But consciousness in itself is a collective experience. There almost is no such thing as individual consciousness. Well, there isn't, yeah, so we're, we're doing circles, coming back to the beginning with the Dow, that is everything and nothing.
So the body is just a momentary snapshot. It's like the astrology chart. The astrology chart is a body. The physical body is a body. These are just snapshots of happening at time. These are just snapshots of processes. Pictures, images of processes. This is why images are so important. Archetypally, freeze frame captures of a moment of a process that will never happen again, yet has reverberations and impacts on everything before, after and present. You.
A portal.
Let's look at the etymology. A portal
is a passage.
A portal is what allows us to view this paradox. I think a portal is anything that removes temporarily, that allows us to see the oneness and nothingness of everything that allows us to see in simultaneity. It means door gate from Latin portal. It's a neutral word, non gendered, of Portales, gate and the
gate or entrance,
yeah, point of access. It's the point of access to the other realms. Portal is the point of access to the site. Portal is the point of access to non duality. A portal is a point of access to the realization that there is more than we senses.
The structure, yeah,
I mean a portal is also an image, a snapshot. It's just, yeah, well, no, the portal is the means through which we pass. So the portal is the plant. The portal is
the trance
which allows us to enter the state of shared consciousness. The body is the observation.
The portal is the
so the body is both messenger and medium. The body is a conductor. The portal is the activator. Is that different than a conductor? It's all this shit, the same thing. Because the portal mean the medicine, the plant, like it's the thing with consciousness, it's also better.
I can't even just gonna break my brain.
All of these things hide the
same thing, but we can break them down into components, which is that the portal is the means of suspending the ego. It's so that the observation can be recorded. The body observes it, the chart observes it,
the art and
the meal observes it, the thing that makes something of your material for a second. A body is a consensus. A body is a decision. A body is eliminating some things, Killing darlings, letting others live you.
A body is a decision.
An image, something for modeling, appearing solid,
something that is always changing, something that is always in process.
Stop freezing for a moment, a moment,
never to return again, never to be the same again. No matter how much we try to recreate the experiment. You can recreate the conditions, but you can't ever recreate the experiment. The scientific method is a fallacy.
It's cute that we think we can do things objectively. I
It's cute that we can do things separately. The very fact of being conscious, very active, having these like experiments where we're like, I don't know, it's just funny. They're very active. These, like academics saying, I just self conscious, coming up with their theories of everything like that is not an isolated act. I think, therefore I an unsolated Act. It was arrived at by the consensus of all the systems inside of him, of Descartes,
even the most individualist thinkers like are themselves systems. So what does bodies and process mean? Remembering that we're not one thing. It means remembering that there really is no such thing as separation,
and yet there is, but it's just like it's just pretend you but
now I'm back to my old conundrum again. It all makes sense to me. I have these sessions where I talk these things through with my internal with the universe, with the guides. But then, how do I share it?
How do I make it conscious,
collective?
Yeah, this is why I feel like I need someone else's outside.
Oh, observation,
I guess I'll start by looking
right now,
the one trapped in the movie theater having to offer themselves up to the men.
Let's go get them
with ifs and kick out.
Those are the portals. I S
for bringing the experience of this one to the awareness, the consciousness. This is a process that is me.
