If a guy tried to pleasure me one, I wouldn't be comfortable because by felt like I didn't deserve the pleasure. Because, you know, he was doing me a favor by having said Took me two, I believe that he was probably feeling disgusted that he was having to pleasure me. And three, I wanted them to believe that I was so easygoing, and that I, that I was so like a porn star that I would fake and all the orgasm in like 2.5 seconds. And so if a guy was like, if a guy was interested in making sure that I had fun, I wouldn't let him because I'd be like, you know, he'd look at me and I'm like, Oh, my God, I just had an orgasm. And he's like, okay, okay, well, that was easy. And so it's kind of just contributed to this feedback loop of them thinking that they could make me come just by flopping their deck out, and I'll be like, Oh, my God, I just had none of them. And so then how hard would that be then for me to be like, Oh, actually, no, you have to do stuff. So I would constantly want to make up for the fact that that they had a defective partner by doing stuff I didn't necessarily want to do or making myself hypersexual for them. So you know, buying lingerie and constantly shaving my legs and shaving my our soul and going to sex classes to learn how to give great blow jobs and hand jobs and all sorts of things and being super feminine, and trying to portray myself as as weak and as little as possible to try and be this kind of porn star type person to make up for the fact that they had to have sex with a fat person. Now, most of my boyfriend's weren't, weren't like, Oh my God, you're fat. More is gross. I guess I'll have to have sex with you. It was only really that first one who behaved like that. And, and probably like some random guys in between who might have said comments and stuff like that, that kind of reinforced it. And society telling me constantly that being fat was really bad. And these poor guys oh my god, they're having to date these fat people. Oh, terrible, terrible life. To the point that I I would accept so I was doing all this stuff. Lingerie shaved asshole. We're going bleached ear holes, like, you know, porn star hair, all that type of stuff. And in return, I would. I would accept like a smelly Dick shit stained underwear and a couple of pumps and be thankful for it. And be like, oh, you know, great sex live. Yeah, like you might have been covered in his own shit. But this is a thing. This is a thing. Have you heard about this is a thing. Oh, it's called chef's OS. If you don't want to hear to somebody just disgusting. Do you know what if you don't want to hit something disgusting. You should probably just not listen to any episodes. What is ridiculous chefs ours right? So this is thing going around. The leaving going around. It's been around the SIS hat men that after they shit. They believe some of them believe that it would be gay to wipe their own ass. And it would be gay to wash their own ours in the shower. This is a thing. Google it. Chef's OS. There's loads of message boards about it and men being like your why would I touch my asshole because I'm not good. Oh, and you know, I'm not touching my mouse I was so I'll just let water run over it, you know, and hope the ship might fall off. And then there was this like one woman on there who's like, my boyfriend refuses to wipe his ass. And every time he comes over, he leaves shit stains in my bed. If we have sex, it absolutely reeks of shit. And I've spoken to him about it. And he he refuses or he says he forgets to wipe his arse. And what can I do? Like he's a nice guy. I don't want to break up with him. But you know, there's shit everywhere. And yeah, like I would I would accept that I would expect except that ship naturally because they're dealing with something as equivalently disgusting as shit. My body which is not true by the way. The sheriff's office is true, but the rest of it isn't. So, so when I learned about fat positivity and fat activism and all that type of stuff, I started to in In relationships in it, sexual encounters, ask for more. And that was either confusing for them, or annoying for them. The men I was picking anyway, so not all men are like this, obviously. But the types of men I might have been hooking up with. If they had said fat phobic things before we went to bed before, I wouldn't have been like, Oh, sounds like he's a bit of fat phobe? I don't think I should get with him. I'd be like, wow, you know, whatever. He's right. So now, I tend to, I say tend to because sometimes it still happens. I tend to not get into a situation where I would have sex with a fat phobe or would have sex with someone who thinks that my body is less, because it was it is fat. Because generally speaking, unless you'd like, you know, meet someone, you don't really talk and then you just have sex. Generally speaking, you can kind of get an idea about someone before you have sex. Not always, you know, sometimes people can be like, like the last guy I had sex with, like a year ago. So depressing. And he's someone dead. This quarantine has really got me bad. And I live in the middle of nowhere. Anyway, so I so I had sex with this guy. And before, I'm like, he's a pretty normal reasonable guy. And this motherfucker, this mother father, so when I saw I went around his house, right, in the light was I spent the evening during the evening, I made him come three times. I made him come three times. He was like, Oh my god. This is amazing. My turn for an orgasm, two minutes in. He says, hurry up. This motherfucker had his balls, dirt rained, and two minutes of the focus being on me. He's like, Oh, gone. Have you come? Yeah, it's been like 12 seconds. And I was just like, No, no, no, no. No, thank you didn't see him again. Because I was like, What the fuck? Before I would have just been like, Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yep, just had an orgasm, faked it because he would have been putting pressure on me to, to perform or whatever. So So now, now understanding that there's to, you know, kind of like what we're talking about in this podcast, two things going on here. The two things being the way that we perceive our fat bodies, and the way that society perceives our fat bodies. And the way that I view it now is that my fat body is not a problem. However, a lot of the people that I will encounter when pursuing relationships, think that my body is a problem. And then that's a problem for me, because I am not going to be with someone who thinks that my body is a problem. Who thinks, oh, you know, I'll date because my, you know, like the, like Rose had said, Oh, maybe she's like, great in bed because she's fat. So she has to make up for being fat, or whatever, whatever they believe. Or maybe I'll just have sex well, but I won't be seen in public whether maybe I'll just, you know, I'll tell her that I want to pursue a relationship but i don't i just have sex and then see you later. Whatever it is, I that's not okay with me. Like, that's not okay. That is not okay for people to treat me like that. And people like that are out there. Absolutely. And unfortunately, most of the people who are in the dating world or the sex world or whatever it is a biased how fat phobic beliefs like deeply fat phobic beliefs that they don't want to examine. And, and say, Oh, it's just a preference. It's just a preference. And their preference is to non consensual li fetishize thin bodies to non consensually fetishize thin bodies. And like, Sonali says, just to not call it out and say, Yeah, I'm