Oh, my God, once again. How many times am I gonna speak into the void and it's all gonna get erased? Okay? This is 11 a cabal. It's the integration of not a micro dose yesterday, the integration of 10 Eek, which was very intense, which I'm gonna look at the can look at the transits from yesterday, because I didn't really look at it, because I was in such a state, and something major was going on. That was one of the worst days I've had in a really long time totally caught in a victim story. But what I've realized is, yeah, like this is living the calendar. Living The calendar is activating through me.
This is being a channel. And if you're open, a lot of shits gonna get through. And I need to contact those other medium people, because I need to find a way to work with those. It's doing me. I'm getting done by the planets and the archetypes and it's not voluntary, it's not consensual, it's not fun anymore. Maybe this is something that could come forth in the theater, devising like this Astro trauma concept. I really like the idea of almost like some kind of sassy, saucy burlesque thing, this existential kink bit coming in, all the planets doing each other, so naughty. Okay, so, I mean, there's a reason that I was drawn to bring home the notebook from 2021 where I was doing the class on doing my Saturn, where I was seeing I was taking Rob Bell's Saturday school. In taking Rob Bell's Saturday school. That was when I first discovered, well, that was when trace was first getting started. He hadn't even started working with Tina yet. Trace not chase. I'm looking at this transcript, right? Things wrong. I I
was learning about quantum physics and astrology, and I remember thinking like, I wish I could just devote all my time to this stuff. And it's like, now I kind of can. I've been given the freedom and the opportunity. I mean, I gave it to myself, I guess, by quitting everything else. But like, if that's what I'm gonna do, then it's only I have to turned into something that can be of service. That's the only way it's worth it. Otherwise, I dissolve into solipsism and narcissism. They turn out just like Mark. So ash said in our session that there was like a spirit. I don't know if it's possession, but there's something that's attached to me that was following him, and it was clearly following bill as well. And like this morning, I felt like I was getting a really clear message from Bill as I was seeing the pictures that I drew of him jumping off a building that like I'm living the same thing he was we. It was moms who wouldn't let us out of their womb, and so we just recreated those conditions for ourselves. Like both Bill and I just locked ourselves up in our houses. We like, basically, like my mom literally locked me up in my room. His mom figuratively did, like she was a lot. She didn't really get him in trouble, like
but
the CO dependent moms, the ones who won't let you break the gaze in Gabor mates language, the smothering, devouring mother, that's like, hot for the moon gone wrong. That's like that edible shit. They're the ones who like they hobble us because they won't let us grow up. They don't want us to break free. They don't want us to leave the womb. So we recreate the womb with their houses in our rooms. This is the womb, the tomb, the empty room. The womb becomes the empty room. We lock ourselves up in these houses and don't let ourselves interact with the outside world. Our world becomes so tiny, just this freaking like circle jerk of naple gazing and whatever other few people we let into our bubble, and it creates the illusion, right? I mean, Saturn Neptune in Aries is the womb, the tune the empty room personified.
And when you grow up thinking,
when you grow up thinking that you basically can't exist outside the womb, like when you've never really cut the cord, then of course, you're just going to recreate that structure over and over and of course you're going to be too afraid to birth things yourself. Of course, you're gonna be afraid to bring anything to like you're gonna be. You can bring things to gestation, maybe, but to actually birth them. Like, if we haven't been able to do that for ourselves, how are we supposed to do that for anything else? And this is why I can get this is why my life feels like it's all preparation and no execution. I'm great at gathering all the resources. I'm great at the research phase. But like Christine talked about, the pandemic being the library scene of my life, like my whole fucking life has been a library scene, and my mom's obsessed with libraries for a reason, and the cosmic librarian is a figure in my cosmology for a reason, and because the libraries are important, like they're how we know about ourselves, Like the Akashic records, you know, the cosmic library, it's how we pass things on. But like, you can't live in the library, or you never actually live. So 2021, I was doing this, like, God, you want to go crazy fast, like, read your own journals, man, this exhibition I'm doing, yeah, don't take LSD while you do that, unless you really Want a hard trip. And that's what happened yesterday. I it was supposed to be a microdose, but isn't always okay. So, yeah, like reading the do your Saturn workshop that I did in 2021 the description of Saturn, like Saturn in Scorpio, is my natal placement. And that actually sounds just totally that's 13 con by definition. That's like my, my in a wall by definition, like the mystical, deep, secret, esoteric, Plutonian Thunder world meets,
like earthly limitations, manifestation, work, discipline,
honestly, like that. Placement, I think, is sort of like a healthy, integrated 13 con.
Can you learn to work with the planets?
Like, how do you learn to work with that energy? How do you align yourself so that you're living your cosmology? You know, it's not just living the calendar. It's like living the cosmos.
But yeah, so they're all definitely telling me that, like, this is part of our contract that we made with each other in the astral. And now he gets it, and now, because I'm open to it, he can pass it along to me.
We came into our lives to help each other break free from our mothers, and he wasn't able to do it because, because she died in that horrific way, and that it happened right at the portal that we're approaching now with Mark's birthday.
I have to look back at the transits. Did I figure out if it was a
See, I don't even know, because I've been channeling too much and I can't keep up with it.
I You remembered so much. You forgot too much, too fast. Can't process it.
Yeah. The other day I just received, like, what if my own job is to receive? But I can't, okay, I broke my pelvis on five con. That's right, that was, that was that one? Yeah, I'll have to look up. But Janet's funeral was on the same day as Mark's birthday in 2021 and 2021 was obviously this activation point, yeah, because this was the full was it the full moon? No, it was a new moon in Aquarius that I did this big that I began my journey with Ayahuasca. That's what it was on February 11, 2021, I began, I had my first interaction with Ayahuasca in microdose form, and nothing happened. And I was disappointed in my journal entry. I was like, wow, it was a bunch of build up for nothing. So isn't that funny? Just sort of a manifestation of this lifelong pattern, and the lifelong pattern that I think comes from being too attached to the mother, like she birthed you technically, but you weren't really born because you're still attached to the womb. You never really got the cord. And so what Bill and I both were doing? And I just like, I got a little farther. I broke out of Seattle, but then I just went all over the world, and we created the same pattern. I I went to Greece and Scotland and Ireland and the UK and locked myself up in rooms. And every single one of those places, I did have moments where I got out, and I think that's why they're so transcendent. Like some of those walks, the long walks that I did, like in Ireland in the winter when I was living in Belfast, those were, like, really, really, really important. And caminos was coming in again this morning. And like, can I create an ethnography of the walks? Like, if I Pilgrim, who was I talking to about that yesterday? Dave, Dave and I were talking about being pilgrims, because he's about to go do a long walk to a monastery somewhere in Greece, I think. And I was it was weird, like that was coming through for me yesterday, too, before I even talked to him. And like I remember at at the residency last year, there being all this talk about people who just did walks, and that was, like their art practice. And I was like, Well, how do I do that, though? Like, how do you do that? It's the sharing it, right? Like, what takes it from just a walk to a pilgrimage? I think it's the sharing it, and I have to find a way to share it, but like, it's, I'm gonna have to break away from the mother in order to do it, is what Bill's telling me, and it's, it was the message of the Ayahuasca retreat. I mean, once I got to the jungle, the first thing that I was shown was that mom had to die. That was literally number one. And Aya was like, before we can do anything else, your mom has to die. And it
was intense.
And so, of course, yesterday was Jess mom's birthday, who is not in a body anymore. And like, of course, I fucked up my interactions with her, because I've got my own challenging life death packed with my mother.
Okay, something's coming through about this with Janet and Bill too. It's like one of us has to die first? No, we gotta rewrite this narrative. We gotta learn how to be separate while we're still alive. We gotta learn how to nurture ourselves outside the womb. The empty room becomes a tomb when you can't leave the womb. That's the connection, that phrase, that mantra, the womb, the tomb, the empty room, that has been following me for years. I haven't fully grasped what it means. I don't think until now.
So for the past few nights, I've been going to bed early, thinking I will just get up at my normal crack of dawn time, and I will go to work then, but the narcoleptic has been putting me to sleep. They won't stop putting me to sleep. And I wrote this down and realized this was a suicide attempt, trauma manifesting this quantum self needs expressing, and that really, it's just like, I mean, it's what happened to bill too. It's the ultimate expression of, if you can't live outside the womb, you try to kill yourself. Because the world isn't a womb. The womb is the place where everything is provided for you, where everyone does it for you. And that's this pattern, right? That's this echo. Someone else needs to do it for me. Someone else needs to save me. And there's also a sexual abuse element in here too, that's very, very real. And this is why I know something happened to me that I don't remember, because the part about getting all the way to the finish line and then failing not getting to enjoy it like that's sexual abuse, when the orgasm and the climax is the ultimate shame moment, the ultimate failure. Now you've done it. Look what you made me do, and it's violence. It's the moment when they actually hit you, and something changes, the no turning back point. You've now crossed the line. When you cheat on someone, when someone gets violated, when there's a turning point when violence becomes physical, it's eating the forbidden fruit, once it has touched your tongue or been brought forth from your body, once it has entered you, once you've produced something, Now you're damned. Now you've sinned,
now you're evil.
So right now in the current sky, the moon is in Sagittarius, my sign, my sun sign, the moon is in my sun sign, and my moon is in the sun's house, which is fun and like, what could be more acaba than that? I
Saturn is at one degree 55 minutes Aries. So these early degree points are when transits are their most intense. And so, of course, yesterday, I was like exploding. I think my trip was mainlining the Saturn Neptune in Aries, transit, so Okay, Saturn at one degree, 55 minutes. Aries in my chart. This is the fifth house of creativity, play WebKit.
The five being the number of work in the Maya calendar. Yeah, so of course, I just went through a torture chamber about how to make shit plays and theater felt important like that's all the fifth house, outward expression of creativity as kind of linked to your identity. I mean, it's like, yeah, it's just that. And my natal Moon is in Leo, which is the 10th house ruler. So Saturn is an Aries activating Leo energy, because Leo rules the fifth house. So for me personally, if in the current sky, Saturn is at that degree point of Aries, that degree point of Aries in my natal chart aligns with the fifth house, which is Leo's house of creativity. So that's why all that stuff would be activated for me and my natal moon in my birth chart is in Leo, which is the 10th house ruler? The 10th house is Saturn. So sorry, Leo's not the 10th house ruler, Leo. Where did I get that 10th house from? Oh, my moon, my moon is in Leo, and in the 10th house of my natal chart, I
just wrote that wrong. I
my moon is in Leo in the 10th house.
In the 10th house is Saturn. I
Oh, and I have a Saturn moon square. I think that's what that looks like.
So in my natal chart, there's all kinds of tension between the structures in the dream, right between the emotions and the practicality, because it looks like there's also a square between my sun and my moon and my mercury And my moon. Maybe gotta look at my chart so
there are so many red lines on this chart, like No wonder I'm in conflict, and they're all around my first through third houses, which is like how we show up in the world, initiating Energy, talents, resources, like sexuality, creativity and communication.
That's what it all makes sense.
So Sun Trine Moon, Moon Trine mercury, okay, so those are actually harmonious then, right?
I guess most of the Sun and Moon aspects are these, like minor semi squares, quintiles, bi quintiles. I Don't understand those things. I
Hmm,
yeah, I'm just looking at these MOON Okay, but there is a moon square Saturn, and that's a strong aspect, yep, okay. These are conflicting energies, internal and creative tensions. But this birth chart interpreter, this app, time passages, it says that rich rewards can come through effort over time. I may appear to be rigid, letting my rather than letting my emotions flow freely, this aspect gives a deepening and concentrating or a blockage in the expression of your feelings. It's kind of both, huh? I go into it in my process, and then, like, it gets stopped up. Yeah, you may have had problems with the parental care and guidance you received as a child, or you may be fixated on one parent, especially your mother. That's so funny, over identification with the mother. Yep, rejection of her influence. Yep, you may experience difficulties in your relationship to the feminine. Yep,
the lesson is to more fully and deeply understand and value the true roots of your Being. I sure.
So all the aspects kind of happening right now.
Yeah, with Moon and Sagittarius and basically the way all these alignments where, if I am understanding this correctly,
I already have a moon in strong square Saturn aspect in my chart. And so the fact that in the current sky, i i basically Saturn and the moon are just getting lit up all over the place right now. And so, of course, yesterday, add a little psychedelic softening, and then, of course, it just pours in and is totally overwhelming. All of these sort of conflicts between, yeah, because like restriction and self expression inner world and getting lost in it. So this is not only like moon, Sun tensions, it's Saturn, Neptune and in Aries. Yeah, so what I experienced yesterday was like mainlining the Saturn Neptune in Aries transit, while adding in this conflict between my moon and sun on top of it, which is sort of just like intensifying a lot of those similar energies. How do I turn this esoteric shit into something useful? How do I turn this from solipsistic to solving into an offering that was sort of the theme of yesterday, and that's kind of the theme of Saturn, neptunan Aries, right? And like, how do I show up in the world in this how do I break free from the womb so I can start living?
And Saturn's being activated in my chart like it's being activated in the current sky, because at the early degree points is the most intense. So Saturn and Neptune just entered Aries, or Saturn did, at least, I don't know when Neptune did I
Neptune's a little further ahead, but not much. It's only two degrees in so, yeah, Saturn is about self directed behavior, and all day yesterday, it was like Saturn and Neptune doing battle inside me. I need to reach out to the mediums, because it was just like the archetypes were, just like all my body was, was like a battleground for archetypes and parts of self that were all fighting all day long. This psychedelic opened me up way too much. All day, Kronos Saturn busting out my skull. I mean, that's like the Saturn metaphor personified, like his children busted out of his skull. I gotta look that up. So looking up the Saturn and Neptune in Aries transit information in this app was really helpful. Yeah. So basically, Saturn in Aries is Dream meets reality. So what I thought ash said that one time in the session, like that was just describing this planetary progression, the dream becoming reality. Like, can you find Can you play with those boundaries and make it work for you, right?
So the description of Saturn and Neptune in Aries says this period is a deep exploration of personal identity and the transcendent power of self expression. I mean, like, that's the whole story of my life. I mean, that could be a summary of, like, my life story. That's definitely a description of my personal practice, right? I mean, it's pretty funny. That's kind of the observatory too.
Honestly, I want to, like, use that word for word my artist statement,
a deep exploration of personal identity and the transcendent power of self expression, yeah, but also with community and so like ceremony and community are the aspects that turn all of this inward focus from solipsistic dissolving into an offering. I mean, that's kind of the thesis, isn't it? It says to take bold steps towards embodying ideals and blending faith with action. I mean, this is seriously, like, just a description of my life right now and a description of the conflict I was having yesterday. And it's also 13 con because Neptune can lead to illusion and deception and escapism. But like too much, Saturn is just like self flagellation and, I mean, ultimately suicide. And with this huge Moon square Saturn aspect of my chart, of course, like the esoteric Moon world, of course, I'm hot for the moon, and I want to hide in it. And with my moon in leo, my moon and my sun and me having a twilight chart. Of
course, it's all going to feel really confusing. I
so how do I get to the place where I can share it? I think it's really it's got to start with bringing people in, and that's what's happening. And I think I do need to use some of these Earth things. And I've had people being like, you don't need clinic hours, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, well, maybe I do like, I don't have another job that I do. And
I gotta start publishing. I gotta start sharing. I gotta create an ethnographic library. I don't know, maybe I should start with some research papers. Maybe that actually is less scary than creative things. I thought art was easier, but maybe it's not.
At the same time, it's like Jesus. Why would it be so hard to just publish a newsletter? I used to do it all the time. My like, half my blogs were kind of shit, but I used to just do them and not like I didn't stress about it. I
But this is why living the calendar is so important, because just looking at my chart like this grounds me. This makes things make sense. But the point is that, like, I gotta look back on this Ship, because I've really done A lot of processing. I
Oh yeah.
The marking the tattoo is important because it says that we were here it meant something. That's why art is important. That's why painting on cave walls is important. That's why documentation and observation is important, because we need meaning purpose. Tell us, or we might as well jump off a building.
We gotta stop putting ourselves to sleep over and over. We gotta stop letting them put us to sleep over and over. And we gotta break out of the womb. And I need to pick a date for this workshop, and I need to just do it, and it's interesting that I have to decide whether I'm gonna miss Trans Pride or my astrology class, both of which feel really important and that I actually don't want To miss. I
before I push it out to next month, and then it's not during pride month,
which feels kind of sad, but also is fine, because maybe, maybe I get something from the theater devising workshop that makes that offering more potent. I
I don't know, but I need guidance. I need to get that scheduled. I need to get that figured out, because the bath house won't leave forever, and they've been really nice to me with the concessions that they're Offering. So today I gotta just pick a date.
