i cracked the coat of the bathroom. the reason i used to get trapped in the bathroom at every ayahuasca retreat, holy shit. it all makes sense now what it's so obvious. there was a part of self that was still trapped in that time when mom broke down on the bathroom floor crying and told me way too much personal stuff about her dad leaving. And I mean, that was so much more of a foundational moment than I even realized. Like, I've thought about that since then and thought about how, like, fucked up that is, did you do the kid? I didn't realize that was actually the bathroom was actually the proving ground for a lot of the mythic narrative of the big bad dad, big old moon, Saturn versus the victim mom. I don't know who that is, Venus. Venus, yeah, because, oh my god yes, Venus the victim, Big Bad daddy, Saturn. That's when the story was set that defined the pattern. Because, of course, it's not fully true, but like, it kind of was, I. and so it set me up to think that my Venus and Saturn were in composition, that it was always going to be I going to be us begging them in not to leave us, because she also taught me that we needed them to save us. And that's really, yeah. I mean, it's just like all the Saturn shit, and it's the original father wound. As I walked past this church, dad left, because we were bad looking at Jesus on a cross, the arms pulled in two opposite directions, just as they were saying. Gallery said that in class last night that Jesus on the cross symbolized the soul, the self, the human being, pulled in two opposing directions at once. And that's kind of a it's just kind of human incarnation. So the work is to reconcile the opposites, to resolve the tension. I I don't know, to realize that life is suffering only as long as you're letting yourself be pulled I don't know what's the secret. You turn into a rainbow body, you come down off the cross and you let them think you're dead, and you really turn into a rainbow body. Do some Jedi mind tricks.
But so that's where the pattern got fucking set, because the reality of the story is that on the night chart, and I've got, is it a fifth or seventh harmonic? A seventh harmonic a spiritual vibration where Venus and Saturn are in conjunction. They actually harmonize. The truth of my chart, not long story put onto me is that my Saturn and Venus are actually in harmony.
Restriction brings freedom. Thank the men for leaving so we could find ourselves. I
broke the pattern and I left him. Regan made a suicide pact, and I choose not to live up to
it. Choose not to live up to that bargain. I choose not to get Boggs down in the quicksand image. I The horse with the uterus is very multifaceted, because on the one hand, it represents the beauty of shamanism, and on the other hand, it's that image of a trio in the swamps of sarva. His horse is not stuck in the swamps the sadness. Well, he begs and pleads with her to move her fucking ass, and she won't, because she's so attached to being sad and you can't save them. They're the ones who have to move.
Excuse me, it won't let me through. It's saying card used already. Oh, it wasn't opening. I'm sorry. Thank you.
Right there we go. Look at that victim shit everywhere. We don't have to get stuck in the story.
Yeah. So he tried to pull the horse out of the swamp. She wouldn't go. He begged and pleaded with her. She wouldn't do it. So she fucking drown in the swamps of sorrow. We can't save them. All we can do is lead the horse to water. All we can do is lead the horse to the edge of the swamps of sorrow. But they have to walk through it themselves. And that's her, and that remains her. She's so sad and so depressed, and Callan gone, like I know it's getting worse, and she was hoping things would be different, which is really quite silly, but can't blame her. It's just sad that she's sad. It
makes me sad, but I can't save her happiness. Other parts that I didn't fucking realize. I was born during the retrograde, and I did not realize that until watching the podcast for Chris Brennan about Back to the Future I find to be a really fun synchronicity, not only because I love that movie, but because I had a transformative experience watching the play here in London with Cavs. We went back in time together, and it showed me what was possible with an immersive musical to the fucking lot still don't know how they pulled off those flying graphics. So yeah, you can't
go down in the swamps of sorrow. I Oh, she's really deeply unhappy. She still hasn't resolved that wound inside herself, but I can't do it for
her, and I didn't realize how much was in that bathroom. That's why I couldn't leave all those times, all the mom stuff that was coming up. And that's like the symbolism too, is you have to be learning to go to the bathroom for yourself. I i So I
changed to leave the bathroom. And I did leave the bathroom. I went back and worked the kid, and that's part of why, when I got injured, I had that day to do, moment in the bathroom at the hospital, and I was learning how to walk with a walker, realized I was reenacting a moment from the ceremony. Had to
get pretty fucking drastic to get my attention, but I was skeletons, of course, took the pulse breaking to get my attention, but I'm looking I'm scouring the charts. I'm looking at the transits. I will learn from this. I am learning from this. I Please mind a gap between the train and the.
