And so nightclubs in the city in the town would open their doors to children. And then we would go, it'd be like on a Wednesday night or Tuesday night or whatever. And I remember I had these new friends. So I got into this new group of friends who were cooler than my current group of friends. And I'm like, immediately ditched my old friends because some cooler people paid a tiny bit of interest in me, and I'm like, Cool. They're fucking losers, even though they'd been my friends for years. Like, I'll do victory. Anyway. And so I was hanging out with these new friends. So so there was three, there was four of us three new friends, and they were all thin. And so the night of so we went to school, and then we went to town to go shopping because I needed to buy an outfit for that evening. Now, they all have their outfits. And so they were going to go shopping with me and they were like, Let's go to this store. Let's go to this store. Let's go to this store. And all the stores they were suggesting were stores that didn't carry my size. And there was no way in a million years. I was going to say nothing in this store fits me because it was a more A lot of firing they, there's no way I could have said that. And, and so we'd be going to the store and they were like, do you like this? Do you like this, and I'm like, Oh, I don't know, not really my style, trying to deflect it, and they were getting frustrated with me. And so, you know, they'll be like, try this, try this. And so then I'd go into the changing room, and stand in the changing room, just, you know, waiting a few minutes, because there's no point of me even trying these clothes on because there were many sizes too small. And standing there, you know, for a suitable amount of time, and then coming out being like, oh, no, didn't really like any of them. And they were getting really pissed off with me. And, you know, our, you know, I think, you know, the time we're going on, and we're getting close, or we had to go. And eventually there were these, this pair of pedal pushers in this one store that had some elastic in them. The waist wasn't elastic, but the legs were and so they said, I said, Oh, this one, this one this, this will do. I went and tried it on, and the waist because it wasn't elastic, like, like, cut me in half. And you know, my belly was hanging out over the thing. And I just thought, you know, at least I'm gonna have something. So I bought these these pedal pushers. And it looked, it looked really bad. And and I felt so uncomfortable. And I had to draw like, I had this like little coat with me. And so I was trying to use the coat to cover what was going on. And I tried to cut the, the waistband. So that, you know, it would give me some more more room. And so the waistband was was like, totally cut it in the bathroom. And this was so painful as like a 14 or 15 year old, you know that I couldn't have the I didn't have the capability to say, Oh, actually, this is one store here that carries my size. And even if it did, like I wouldn't have gone and picked up my size for the fear that they would have seen what size I was and then being like, oh my god, she's that size. To the point where I had to then go to this this nappy night with all like boys that I fancied, you know, being so uncomfortable and wearing something that was was, you know, a little weird, because it was literally like having a rope tied around my waist as tight as possible. And then, you know, because the waistband was just absolutely cutting into me. Anyway. And so that's just like one painful experience of something pretty simple and something that a lot of fat people have experienced in life. I bet you know how many fat people have, you know, been ashamed of what close eyes they were. And so, of course, if we have these negative experiences and these these these deep, dark, painful emotions and, and things behind what being fat means, of course, we're going to do things to try and disguise our fatness, of course, we're going to think that if we lose weight, then everything will be good in the world, everything will be good and in our life. And society reinforces that like, so that's not something we've just picked out in our brains, and we just magically came up with society has told us diet companies have told us that we need to get thin because these things will happen. And if we are not fitting them, we need to disguise our bodies to make them look thin. Which makes sense. It makes sense. So if you're doing any of these things now don't feel bad. Like, you know, I can I can look back and be like, Oh, it's