for a long time, to become temporarily thin. That it was more effort than to do my TEDx, which was a huge effort. It took my TEDx the whole process was a year process and it was just massive. It was massive. And so what have I got to show for the amount of effort I put in with being temporarily thin is a disordered eating. body hates gobs of shame because then when I stopped being temporarily, I'd say I say thin but uh, you know, I wasn't thin, thin, thin, thin, which is, you know, because we're never thin enough. Are we? Right? Yeah. The, the amount of efforts for what for what Why, but then the amount of effort I put into my TEDx. Now I have a TEDx. I have something to show for it. And a real tangible thing that I'm proud of. And yeah, fuck, I was proud of being temporarily thin when I was temporarily thin and then I ended and, you know, then I was like, embarrassed. I used to be temporary thing. And now look at me. I'm a murse Yeah, so fun. Fun, fun, fun. So yeah, yeah, yeah. So what it looks like now what it looks like now. And now that I've, I've spent a lot of time and learning this bullshit, and not just anti fat stuff. Like I've I've spent a lot of time in therapy and learning different systems of oppression. And I can tell like, I feel like anti fatness. Obviously, I've worked on the most, I've worked on the most, but it's all interconnected. And I also still have a ton of work to do when it comes to other systems of oppression. Because I know that they're affecting me, and they are harming me, and I'm therefore harming others, because I have not yet understood and unlearned completely, you know, racism, or ableism, or you know, etc, etc, right? So, maybe in 10 years time, I'll be like, Oh, this is 10 years ago, you'll never guess what I was doing. But it's, you know, anti fat bias is not a standalone topic. It's, it's, it's intersectional. And the more that you unlearn other systems of oppression, the more that all areas of your life and humanity is better, right, so. Okay, so after learning on after working on AI learning and learning anti fat bias, I don't think about food much. Aside from Oh, it's lunch, I should guess I should eat or enjoying food that I like, without guilt or feeling like I'm out of control, or, you know, food is just not quote a thing for me anymore. When I say our thing, I mean, like an issue, like it's a thing because obviously I ate food to survive, and I enjoy food and, and sometimes I might eat more food than my body wants. And, but if that happens, I'm just like, oh, obviously, I was, you know, really enjoying that food or, or obviously, I needed that for whatever reason. So versus being like, Oh God, I'm such a bad person. I feel like my tummies is fuller than is slightly comfortable. But I never know. I so clearly remember that feeling of eyes opening being like food. You know, almost like the Terminator, you know, like, ah, laser eyes red beams being like, track the food, you know? Because I was so deprived. I was so deprived. I was so mentally and physically hungry. Thank fuck, my brain did that for me. My brain was like, we need to survive. Okay, listen, you didn't eat any up enough food yesterday. So this morning, first thing we're doing? I'm gonna tell you remind you this ding dong is not eating food. Come on. It's some food. Look, we're putting all our energy to get some food. And so then I open my eyes would be like, my brain would like, eat some food, get some good, go get some food for fuck sake, get some food. And I'm like, I'm so greedy. Look at me. All I think about is food and my brain like Firefox like, yeah, no wonder you only think about food because we're starving, give us some food. And then I'd pathologize myself being like, I'm addicted to food. And my brain were like, Ah, you're not addicted to food, just feed as an hour, chill out. And now because I've fed us my brain body, my brains like, Oh, you don't need to remind this, this silly idiot that that they need to eat all the time. You know, unless they forget because of midnight. They're deep in work or ADHD and then I'll feel it in my my body. But you know, there's different for Neuro. It's different for different neurodivergent people. A lot of times I forget to eat lunch. I think if it wasn't for Google my dog, I would forget to eat lunch quite regularly. But do Google bless him or love him. He comes to me if it gets too late. If it gets to 2pm He'll come to me and stare at me and gently tap his feet. He doesn't eat anything at lunchtime, his his dinner is morning and night. But he will say excuse me, it's time for you to get up and will harass me. When I say harass. Look at me and gently tap his fee until I get up and have lunch but that would be different before because I was always overriding my neuro divergence. And the reason why why I forget to like use neuro neuro divergence. It's not because I'm like I'm so chill around food. It's neuro divergence. But my desperate need for food, that push that drive in my brain overcame the neurodivergent urge to forget about eating. That there's no way that I could forget. Because I was that like deep in restrictive eating. The over, like the drive was so much that you know, my neuro divergent was was like neuro divergence was like getting this fish to eat. Okay, so next what I wear or how I look at doesn't often come into my head aside from Oh, I think I look cute today, or, Oh, I should wash my hair tonight. Or, oh, did a bird just poo on my back? So pretty much the only time I would change an outfit is because it was not right for the weather or art or activity. And I and it's not that I'm like, Oh, I just don't look good in it. I would you know what happens? You know, what happens is, if I look in the mirror, and I have a little like, I don't think I look really cute. Because no, most of the time I'm like, You're cute. That's my reaction. Most of the time, I'm just gonna just be like, you just know, you're just such a cute II. And if I don't have that reaction, I'll be like, No, so someone's someone's brain is, is having some feelings here, what is going on? And verb, so I wouldn't be like, there's something wrong with the way I look or the clothes I'm wearing, it would be something is happening in my brain for me to not correctly perceive myself. And so I would be like, Okay, so let me support my mental health in this moment. And I will recognize that something else is going on, it's not my body, it's not that my body in the last 24 hours has suddenly turned into an attractive body, it's that my perception of my body is changed because I feel like after decades of my brain, using my body as a easy way for me to try and manage my emotions, like pick on their body, because we might get our needs met is kind of some sort of like what my brain was thinking but my needs were not being met by changing my body, I needed to do other work deeper work to to fix that. So I feel like sometimes my brain might slip into something is feeling a bit shit about our life. So that's, that's a trend trying to attack the body, see if that gets our needs met. And because now I'm like, I'm not engaging in that. That's not how we get our needs met. I'm talking to my like, my internal family system, my in my dog into myself, basically. What how can we meet my needs? And so what I might do is I be like, Okay, well, I'll put some dry shampoo in my hair. Like today. I was like, oh, I need to wash my hair tonight. And I want to look, I want to look cute for the podcast. I was like, okay, so how am I gonna go get my needs met? I'm going to put some dry shampoo in my hair. Okay, and do Colonel corners, okay. And now I'm, I'm cute. I'm cute. I'm gonna put some of that summer scar around, and I feel cute, you know? Or it could be that might be in and that's focusing on body, but then it could be I do something else, you know, can be on like, oh, you know, Qd? Like, what's wrong? What's wrong? How can we support you? Do you need to like, do you need to take it slow today? Do you need to talk to someone, you know, and some most of the time just recognizing, ah, this thing is happening. And honestly, it's this is just doesn't just doesn't happen that much. You know, sometimes I'm like, I need to be looking in the mirror more because sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm like, oh shit, like, I needed to moisturize my face today. And I didn't even like notice because I'm not looking in the mirror at all. Not that having dry skin is is terrible sin or anything, but you know. Yeah. It's just my body's there. And I like it. And I think I look cute most of the time and Nbd no bad girl. Okay, next one I wear or how I look.