I am laughing because I'm realizing I'm sitting here in the refractory period of my morning ritual having just jizzed all over my journal, the sacred books that are really the receptacle for Sacred ejaculation, jizzing all over everything out of control, like a little teenager. But I'm lying here in the aftermath and the afterglow and gazing at the objects on my altar, and I've never been so in love. This is how I feel when I look upon the sacred elements. I gaze upon the crystals, and they look extra shiny when I've just done something good for all of us. I can tell when I've just done something good for all of us. I can tell when I've just moved the energy for the positive, because everyone's glowing. Everyone's glowing. I And I'm not even rolling with classic psychedelics, but I have had a lot of cacao. I'm looking at my altar and just full of love. The crystals and the flowers are hyper color, hyper dimensional. They're like DMT objects. They're jumping out at me. They've never looked so beautiful as they do today. The candle flickering, even though the sun has already risen, this pale morning light, they're perfect. I'm excited to go to nest. I'm excited to build things, I'm excited to make my offerings. And I just can't express the liberation I continue to feel it having released journalism. A new life has begun. I have freedom. I've reclaimed, actually, that feeling that I had when I broke my pelvis, the part of me that liked it, the part of me that needed to do that to escape my life. I had to do it. I had to shatter my pelvis, to shatter my connection to journalism. Honestly, I was addicted, and I couldn't quit it. Addicted to writing, a dick would. Addicted to language, addicted to the reality made of language, addicted to words, the prison of the mind and all I really needed and longed for was feeling so of course, I broke my fucking pelvis and my sacrum in five places. Five the number of Oh, I was gonna say the number of wholeness, but I Think that's six. That's five in the Maya calendar. I
This is not it's not good. Voice Memo line.
I just can't believe the freedom. I just can't believe the liberation. I thought making the decision was enough, but it wasn't. It wasn't.
I had to make a gesture, I had to make the ritual. I had to make the altar, and I had to make the altar. I had to sacrifice the assignment upon the altar. I had to hand it over. The ceremony may begin with the intention, but it ends with the offering,
the action, the ritualization, the grounding in some kind of physical reality. Oh, five's work. That's interesting. Yeah. Well, that makes even more sense breaking the pelvis and sacrum in five places to do the work to get me to liberation from my vocation. Hey,
looking at my card pull strength and the devil, hermaphrodite, I actually feel so aligned, looking at my altar with all my sacred guides that bring me such holding and comfort, looking at these beautiful dried flowers that I've collected from all kinds of sources, from ecstatic dances and walks through neighborhoods Where I was house sitting, mixed with my crystals collected from all my wanderings, my little felled animals have just, I mean, just in love. I'm in love with the altar. I'm in love with the sacred Eros Gamos, the sacred marriage, the union between me and nature, me and God, all the same thing,
hot for the Moon, hot for nature, hot for the sacred marriage
is just funny though. No wonder I always feel so exhausted after these things. I feel like I did just have some giant bang session. And I guess I did me and my consciousness, me and the universe. I mean, it's a gang bang with all the energies that I've been channeling. That's fun. I Mm, yeah, it takes a lot of energy, this traveling without moving, this receiving all that wants to flow through me. Kind of sexy. Today is two zucchini and I realize that on the day of partnerships and long term vision, I had a fear of the Tucson the three always seem safer. Partners have hurt me worse than anyone I the father who ignored me, the mother who wouldn't break the cave. I realized that even though I thought Callan was the disruptor Uranus, the Renegade, that was actually me, and my mom was trying to trap me, and Callan was actually the Trine that got me out of it. Thank you Callan, for breaking the gaze. Thank you Callan, for taking the attention away. It was too much. It wasn't what I wanted, and none of it's what I wanted for you, and I'm sorry that that's what you went through, but thank you for the medicine I
hmm, yeah, the phrase petroscamos popped into My head while journaling to marry a stone is literally what my mom did. I thought of Petros o to be a stone when I started seeing that rocks were alive. When I was doing those workaways on the farm where I kept ending up hauling rocks in wheelbarrows over and over, breaking them up with pickaxes. It was all stones back then, to love a stone, to be alone, to have a heart that's hard and cold. Stephen was a geologist. My step dad's last name was stone, but Stephen was a fluvial hydro geomorphologist, the one who united rocks and water, who studied how they worked together, the hydro social center meets the immovable object.
The unstoppable force meets the immovable object, as Rick Levine is fond of saying, quoting some Gershwin song, the hydro social center meets the Petros, The impenetrable, the anti plutonium, The Saturn Neptune meets Saturn i
I'm entering The hypnagogic stayed again. God, that one really took a lot out of me. That was an intense channeling session that was like old school high dose cacao last summer vibes. It's interesting because I'm thinking about going back to Amherst lane to drop my stuff off her nest and do this errand, and that's where it all happened, that weird portal at the creepy cat lady's house where something was haunting me wasn't myself.
Maybe, maybe that fox came in and ate me. Maybe I died in a fire one of those times I fell asleep with the candle burning.
Who knows? But I know I die a slow death in relationships, and I can also see how I could do it by myself, but as long as I keep getting out to my community, I stay accountable, I stay healthy, as long as I keep building my altar, I'm Never Alone. As long as I keep talking to like guides outside of bodies, as well as those in them I stay tethered to all the dimensions I
today, stuff wanted to come through the hand. It's been wanting to go analog again. I'm wondering about actually trying to find an old talk boy and take it to the Amazon. That'd be fun, but I think that might warp I work,
Mm, hmm, hot for the universe, hot for channeling. The three get such a bad rap, but that's what I've always tried to be doing. Two scares me. Two is uncomfortable. Two is where my wounding is. No wonder I was always trying to bring the three back into it, the day of self sacrifice, lovers, partnership, the second step on the pyramid, the moment where Mitosis begins, where cells divide, The place of polarity, duality. These things challenge me. I
twos were a problem with Stephen and I in more ways than one, I was always feeling like I was in competition with him. I
I, too, was overwhelmed on all sides by the numbers around it in the Maya cross,
the deluge of intuition, that's definitely what was happening today, reflecting on partnerships, my relationship with relationships coming out of last night at ecstatic dance, cuddling with Emma, holding and being held, pulling ourselves into each other with intensity, but not in a scary way, with intention, with passion, with determination, not to let the outside world win. I in in defiance, almost of what would try to take it from us. I
Hmm, the partnerships that I'm calling in now lazura. How do these jive with the vibe of the trisena, the honoring of Mother Earth? Do these partnerships serve that purpose? Would lazura and I doing this offering be in alignment. I'm not sure. I'm not authorized to share the calendar, I'm not authorized to do readings, and yet, whenever I do share these teachings, they really resonate. And people will say, I have an affinity, and I'm called for it, and it's helped them. I gotta keep learning the archetypal stuff.
Am I running from intimacy by keeping moving? I don't know. I drew the pilgrim, and I feel very much like I die slowly sitting in front of the TV when I've been in partnerships before, and I know that doesn't mean that that's what all partnerships will be. So I'm just sitting with Am I running from the work? Am I running from intimacy by continuing my wanderings? I don't think so. I mean, it's like, even as I say it, I really feel like it's the calling to be the pilgrim. I can still be part of this community, even if I don't live here continuously. And everyone said it even last night, you're always home here, they said, and I am. And it's so easy to just drop back in. And I tested that already, and it's beautiful, but yeah, I guess the difference is the continuity required to maintain closeness with one other person.
Hypnagogic states as I start to think about dating Emma, I start falling asleep. It's a defense mechanism. I had a vision of us in a house together and her going to the shower. I couldn't tell if I was about to pick a fighter if I was smiling.
The Memory reminded me of Maria going to the shower while David and they stayed behind, and he said, Please don't steal my girlfriend.
And that's the queer legacy, isn't it? Everyone always thinking that you're plotting against them. Everyone always thinking you have some nefarious intention. We can't just love someone. Of course it's loaded, of course it's complicated. Of course it feels like death, and sometimes it is literally I
Oh, to be a stone, O to be alone, O to be in A duo, oh, to be in a trio. And it's interesting that there kind of already is one with Tira, but there's something there I can't deny. To even feel it again.
It's kind of overwhelming, but it means I'm not dead yet, and I'm glad because Ralph told me to stay alive, and my dharma is to help others survive, which means helping them heal from trauma, which means going and learning the lineage, which means deepening my connection to the medicine in the homelands of that I am completely certain. I have no doubt that all of that's my purpose.
Oh, Why did dad just pop into the dad just popped into my head, dressed like Fonzie, wearing a white t shirt, and walking up to me and like shrugging his shoulders, like what, all of a sudden, the sopranos, the endings that part of the part of the journey, the quantum death scenario the other day, where we were talking about the endings of these 90s TV shows, where it turned out that they were dead the whole time, or we never saw what happened. Like those are all popping into my awareness now, because part of partnership, part of fearing partnership, is fearing the ending. I guess the ending is always happening. You've always been dead from the beginning. And if you're dead already, then it doesn't matter. You can do anything. Okay? I think I'm just rambling now, yeah, I don't know. All of a sudden, I don't want to go to Ireland. I just want to stay here and see what happens with Emma. Though I am looking forward to the farm,
I'll have to see how I feel about it. I don't know. Okay, know.
