Episode 146 - Complete

Vinny Welsby45min

Speaker 1

00:00

You're listening to the face value podcast episode 146 actions to take today to stop hating your fat body. Let's do it

Speaker 1

00:23

Hey, hello, welcome to this episode How you doing? How's life you get home? Good here good. Yeah, welcome to this episode we're gonna be talking about some things you can do to help with if you're struggling right now with accepting yourself and your body, things that you can be doing. And even if you are feeling pretty good, just some checklists here to make sure that you're safe if there's any areas of opportunity to improve. So, yeah, and hey, I've got a I've got a date tomorrow with a human being Yeah, it's exciting. It's going to be a second day we had a video date as the first day, you know, I find that I'm doing more and more video dates as a first date. I mean, it's such a good idea to kind of see you don't have to leave your job. You know, you don't have to dress from the waist up, you know, to make sure that you've got some type of chemistry and that they are who they say they are or whatever. Yeah, so we had a phone date yesterday, and then tomorrow, we're gonna go to a bar or place to eat food or whatever. Yeah. Should we get pretty good. I had a date a couple of weeks ago, a video date with someone and it went really well. We were like chatting for like, three hours, I think. And, and then we would do to me a couple of days later or whatever. And then 10 minutes before he was going to leave his house. He text me that to say he was counseling because he was feeling sick. And so I was like, fuck, Psych, because he was coming like near my area had cleaned my house just in case he came around. So I spent like an hour cleaning up. So I was like, fuck, like, cleaning for nothing. But he said, Oh, I feel sick. And so I'm like, It's 10 minutes relieves. I'm like, it's a bit Sass, but whatever, you know. And so as I Oh, okay. He says, Yeah, I feel sick. And I was like, Oh, dear, well, I hope we're happy, okay. And he says, Well, I'm sick, because I left my window open last night. And this was, you know, in a few weeks ago, when it wasn't really cold. And I was thinking, oh, you know, maybe he's got, like, some underlying health condition where you can't be cold or something. And I don't know. And he says, oh, no, because I'm just, you know, warm blooded, and I don't like to be cold. So it's made me sick. And I was like, you know, whatever. It's not my, it's not my place to pry into the mechanics of him being sick from a window being open. So I was like, whatever, you know, it's a bit such as it being 10 minutes before, but you got to give people the benefit of the doubt, while also kind of sticking a little pin there in your brain of and I was like, oh, okay, well, I hope you feel better. And he says, are you mad at me? I said, No, I'm not mad at you. I just kind of, you know, just something to know. You know, just man or something, like similar to what I just said to you, but nicer. And so then he didn't, he didn't reply. And then like, three of them three in the morning, he's just sent a picture of the hospital of inside the hospital, nothing else. Three in the morning, federal hospital. And so I saw it in the morning, and I was just like, What is this? This is a bit what is what is he doing here? And so I text him saying, Oh, my goodness, are you okay? Why are you at the hospital? And he says, I just felt so bad yesterday, I called the hospital. And I was like, Oh, wow, like, you know, are you okay? Like, what's going on? You know, all this from from the window being open thinking, what's going like this is what is what is happening, that the window being open would cause him to go to the hospital or like, and he was like, This isn't funny. Oh, not trying to be funny. Um, he's like, You don't believe me? And I was like, Oh, yeah. Yeah, but believe Yeah. And so I was like, Oh, my, his the way he's the way he's acting is just a bit strange. And so I was like, Yeah, you know? It just saying, Yeah, I believe you. But maybe I've said something to make you feel like, I don't believe that you're at the hospital. So if that's the case, and I apologize, and, and then and then. So the next day, he texted me, like, I think about eight times, I hadn't responded quick enough for him. And then the last text was him saying, Oh, why are you ignoring me, then? What's his, you know, basically shouted at me because I hadn't responded in a quick enough manner for him. And I was like, may know, this is not good. Like, that's it. That's the unknown. This is the this is the end of that, you know, we've had one, one video chat, and you're acting like, you know, we're a couple or something and the IOU I don't know. I don't know. It was very strange. And he kind of got stroppy when I said, I don't want to, I don't want to do anything. He's like, What could I have possibly done wrong? In the few days that we've known each other? And I was like, well, here you go. Here are the inappropriate kind of things that kind of raising a little bit of a flag here and there and altogether, just, you know, it's just too much. So. But anyway, I've got a date with someone else tomorrow. And so far, so good. So I'll, you know, I'll let you know how it goes next week. See if I'm, you know, I seems like I can't get past like date one or two, because they do something fucking where I'm like, really? What? Really? Can you not just just behave you know? Anyway, let's talk about actions to take to stop hating your fat body. Adi Adi. Alright, so we've been influenced to believe that fatness is bad, right? I'd say most of people who are listening to the podcast, we're socialized to believe that fatness is bad. And certainly you have had messages from the media and all sorts of different places to say fatness is bad. And so if you're struggling, liking your fat body, or even, you know, you feel like you hate it. That's absolutely valid and absolutely to be expected. I've said it before, but I think other people who come out of childhood and into adulthood who who don't have struggles with body image issue are like they're the unicorns, right? I think it's a lot more common than, than we know. And, and so it's just a natural reaction, your your brain is behaving in a way that is to be expected. And so I think about beliefs, like suitcases, if we have a suitcase and on the front of the suitcase is the belief like fat is bad. If we open the suitcase, the suitcase is the belief will find different things inside your suitcase or my suitcase. And so my suitcase, the belief of fat is bad. I had, you know, my parents telling me that as a kid, you know, watching 1990s British TV

Speaker 1

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teachers saying this and that have a boyfriend saying this or whatever. And so that was my experience, which is, you know, probably similar to a lot of people's experience, but not exactly the same. And so if you open your suitcase, which is your, your belief, there'll be different items in there, you know, t shirt or hat or whatever, and each of those representing different things that lead up to that belief of fatness is bad. And so we want to be taking out all of those items. If we can, it might take a very long time and maybe it's not even possible and examining those beliefs and also having a another suitcase that says fatness is okay or even fatness is great, or even my body is worthy, or my fat body is spectacular, whatever it is that we're wanting to, to believe instead, and putting things in that suitcase and supporting ourselves to put things in that suitcase and removing things from the other suitcases that are not helpful. And unpacking them examining them. holding them up saying is this smelly, old sock? Something that I really want to carry around anymore? No, it's not. Let's empty that suitcase. And so that So kind of using an analogy, or a metaphor, one of the to who the fuck knows one of the when we think about beliefs, but what are some practical ways that we can actually do this. So I have a formula, which is remove, reduce and protect. And this is what we can do if we're living in a fat phobic society to help us with our beliefs, to unpack unpack those unhelpful beliefs, and to support us in creating beliefs that are more helpful for us. Now, you might have the belief saying fat is bad. And some people might say, that's a good belief to have, because fat people are bad and fat people are unhealthy. And if that works for you, that works for you, you know, I mean, obviously, the things that are inside that believers that will hold on to bigotry and misinformation and things like that. But I mean, if that's working for you, and for some people, it is, you know, some people who are maybe professional weight loss coaches or whatever, if it's working for you, that's great, whatever. But if it's not working for you to believe that your fat body or your body, if you if you're not fat is a piece of shit, then we can try to unpack them. So. So remove, reduce protect is the formula. And so let's talk about what that means. So the first step, the gold star in this process, the you know, the thing, which is really amazing if you can do is to remove sources of weight bias from your life. And that's a big Asterix, if possible. And so what that looks like is looking at your, your life, and seeing where the greatest sources of fat phobia are coming from. So really, just think about this for everything that we're doing. Thinking about your friends, your family, your clothes, the media that you're consuming, the TV shows, you're watching the people that you're following on social media, where you live, like even your location. So sometimes I talk to clients and they're like, I live in LA, and it's so beauty centric, they're where you work, perhaps you work in a place that is really focused on looks, your activities outside of work if you work, how you move your body. And so if we thinking about our life, we think about everything in your home, like do you have pictures on your wall of straight size bodies, for example, which is, you know, it's not necessarily a bad thing, but examining if they are helpful or harmful or neutral in our quest to find a more peace in our body. So remove and so if we're thinking about removing things from our life, if possible, if possible. Okay, and so a great place to start is to get out your phone right now. Get out Get a phone, you're like Vinnie, I'm already on my phone listening to your your ding dong. But see if you can go on to the social media network that you might use the most. If you do, you might say I don't, that's fine. But if you're using Instagram, bringing open Instagram or Facebook, and seeing the first 10 or 20 posts, that you see that you're exposed to, what are they? How many of them are fat, positive, intuitive, eating, joyful movement talking about you know, social activism, you know, juicy, juicy things? Or how many of them are kind of maybe neutral one Oh, no, this is neutral, but dog videos, that would be definitely positive. But that's kind of like not influenced you either. Either way, right? So might be like dog videos, or I mean, like, what else could there be in the world apart from videos, pimple popping videos, I'm thinking of all the things that I like watching toenail clipping videos. I'm sorry if I just disgusted you. So how many of those are kind of like more neutral that have not necessarily positive positively or negatively influencing the way that you think about your body? And how many of those are things that you're seeing of normative bodies, white bodies, thin bodies, recipes, diety type stuff, and and so do this if you If you're not getting enough data from 10, then do maybe 20 or more and just see what's coming up. What I like to see is people who are maybe more along in their journey is they will say more things like, yeah, I got a lot of dog videos, and I got some, like politics. And I've got a couple of, you know, body positive people not fat positive, though. And people who are newer on their journeys are like, oh, yeah, there's this diet account. And yeah, there is this like, thin person who's, you know, telling me that I'm an ugly piece of shit. And so that, that gives us some clues of what we can do to what things we can do to remove and social media. I mean, a lot of these images were scrolling past really quickly. And we're thinking, Oh, how much is it affecting me? It's affecting it is affecting? What about the when you go to the page on Instagram of the I think it's for you page? What things are you seeing there, I noticed when I first started Instagram, for the first year or so, there were a lot of diety kind of body things on there. Until I taught Instagram that I wasn't interested in that content, it will store from time to time, try and show it to me. And so I had to be really every time I saw anything that was not aligning with supporting me, I would be unfollowing, I would be blocking, I will be reporting diet ads to teach the algorithm what works for you and what doesn't and what content you engage in. It's very, it's very tempting on the for you page, if you see something like a person person's body, it's very hard not to click on that and see what is this that they're saying, right. And so if we can just help ourselves with with that, so we don't have to try and avoid it. And so you can say, you can click on Instagram, you can click on the three dots and say do not recommend, do not recommend this this account if you see anything like that. And if you are following people who are a lot of if there's any diet things, or fat phobic things like how Yeah, you need to get rid of that stuff. If it's someone on Facebook, you can mute them, you can snooze them for 30 days, you can mute them forever, but you'll still stay friends. And then fill up your social media with good stuff. And people who don't look like you, and all different types of varieties, because then you're training your brain to understand what human bodies look like, versus a very curated and edited version of what human bodies look like, which is not really what human bodies look like. And so that is removing right? Now, when we think about removing when it comes to friends and family. That is absolutely possible. And I have removed people from my life who are dickheads. Or that was mean, but you know, who were not great for me for whatever reason. And but that was like a very long process. There might be someone who you liked, you know, what I've just had enough of poly Poly is a is a decade so you know what I'm gonna I'm gonna end the relationship that I have with poly.

Speaker 1

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More often than not, you want to have relationships, who, you with people you have relationships with already, or it's not possible for you to end relationships. So for example, if your boss is a raging fatphobia, you probably don't want to send them an email saying, I've decided I ain't talking to you anymore, because you're a bellend because then your boss is gonna be like, Okay, well see you later, you don't have a job anymore. But in that example, perhaps you can work towards finding a new job if that is an option for you. Or as we have the Remove, reduce protect, in the reduced perhaps we can reduce the amount of time we're exposed to that person. But when we're thinking about remove, we can also think about it in this way. Can we remove the things that are coming out of their mouth from hitting our brain? So if your mum is particularly fat phobic, normally what I see is a mum and a sister together. And so someone's mum and sister are going on diets and stuff. And then there's that one person who will like who's like, Oh, my tidings not working anymore. And the mom and the sister were like, oh, cucumbers up the bomb or whatever. And that's very difficult because it's kind of two against one. And so in those instances Is it possible, I really encourage people to set boundaries. Now, boundaries around this stuff might be more of an advanced level thing. But I really feel that it's very difficult to continue this journey of trying to love and accept your body if the people closest to you are engaged in in bigotry, which is fat phobia, and diet culture, right? It's very, very hard if the ones that are closest to you. And we're not saying that those people have to change their beliefs and and, and their politics, but there are certain things that we should be able to or should have the power to, again, big Asterix, if possible, there's different power dynamics out there. And some things aren't possible. But we, we should know that there are topics that people cannot talk to us about without consequences. And so I know a lot of people will be really good at doing things like shutting down racism when it happens. And of course, if you are a white person, that should be what you're doing anyway. But say, if you were talking to someone, and they started saying those are racist, racist shit, you would be like, Okay, well, that's not acceptable. And you would, it would be very clear, in your mind that you would see that as unacceptable. And of course, absolutely any type of bigotry is unacceptable. But when it comes to bodies, is a lot harder, because it's just such a common way for people to talk. And people don't realize that it is based in anti black racism. And so if we know that, and we've got that this is this is something political.

Speaker 1

22:05

And no, it's not acceptable. I feel like in like, 1020 years, we'll be like, Oh, God, remember when we were talking, like, people just bang on about diets and shit. But now, it's all isn't that a bit like, inappropriate, hopefully, but of course, there's lots of corners of the world where people will openly speak, talk about racism, and, and transphobia and sexism and all that type of stuff. And, and it is normal. You know, I'm talking from a very kind of left leaning mindset of, of, of my experience and community. And as we know, that is not everyone's experience. So really, we really long term, we can't have this in a big way in our lives, right? It's because it's, I don't feel like it's congruent with us feeling the best about our bodies, if those who we are closest to disagree with basic parts of our humanity. So but that might be a longer term project, right? You know, telling your mum to please don't talk about diets in front of you might be like, Absolutely, that's nowhere near what I can do right now. Because you might be a little, you know, newer at this stuff and not as comfortable and not know what to say if your mum says, but don't fat people die early or but don't isn't fatness bad, you might not know what to say in those instances. And so you're not yet kind of tooled up to have that conversation. But just know that that is something that I think is really important. And maybe you are getting close. And this might be the push that you need to, to say, Hey, I can't I'm this is what I tell people to say. I tell people to say, if this sounds good for you, it might not sound good for you. But hey, I'm wondering if you can help me with something. Hey, Mom, I'm wondering if you can help with something. Yes, child, I would love to help you. What is it? I love being your parent, and I want to help you? Well, I don't know if you know, but you know, with my history of eating disorder, or you know, you know how I've always hated myself. Yes, I know you've really struggled for years dear child, that's really sad. And I'm sad that you struggled with this stuff. Yeah, so I am I've actually started learning about you know, diet culture and an accepting my body and something that I've noticed is that when people talk about diets, or then being on a diet or their own body even, it kind of triggers me into thinking making it about me, and I know it's not about me, they're talking about themselves. But I my brain is really good at making it about me. And so I'm wondering if you can help me by not talking about diets when I'm around and then see what see what you Mm says or whoever it is that you're talking about. One with framing it as I'm, I need your help people, I think more and more likely to listen versus listened up here, MOTHER FUCKA you've been fucking ruining my life for the last 30 years, go suck my swinging tits, you know, then people are on the defensive or like what I didn't mean to say I'm talking about myself and what's wrong with it, you know, and you make it about you, then that might be easier. That approach might sound like awful, and no, do it. But that's, that's what I do. And then also, the big thing is, you need to continue with that journey, because guaranteed not guaranteed but pretty likely that you your person is going to next time you see them be like, Oh my God, did I tell you about the cucumber at the bottom? And you'd like Yes, Mum, you did? And then that's where people fall for fall short is that they're just like, what I told her once. And I tried and she's not done it. Well, if someone knows you and they've known you to be a dieter in the past, or Hating Your Body or, or that talking shit about fatness is normal for you, it's going to take more than one time telling them probably, I mean, hopefully, they hear you once, and they never make a mistake again. But I think it's very normal for people to make mistakes. And that's when you are doing the really, really difficult work of bringing it up again and say, Hey, you remember when you said you remember when I said last time about the diet thing? And you know, not making that big of a deal about it. And then the person person might be like, oh, yeah, sorry about that. Or they might be like, Oh, for fuck sake, I thought we forgotten about this, or, you know, they're going to react however you want, however they want. And then you are going to react in a way that aligns with you. And that could be you know, leaving, not talking to them, continuing to commit to tell them to stop, or, you know, or not, right, whatever is working for you. But I think we need to help people know, learn how to treat us, especially if they've been treating us a certain way or talking in a certain way for a long time. We need to help them understand. And that I think when you decide that you need to remove the person, it's when for me, it's when they are egregious in their dismissal of you, and they just refuse to, you know, meet you a common ground. And so that's happened with me, specifically with one of my sisters who was just like, No, I'm not going to I am not going to say that. I'm not going to call you that. Because I told her I don't use the Oh words. She says no, I'm gonna keep doing it. I don't care. I don't care about how you feel. Okay, that's fine. Unfortunately, we can't, you know, move forward in a relationship anymore. So we're not we never know how someone's gonna react. By the way, setting boundaries. Nine times out of 10 For me, people are just like, oh, yeah, cool. And previously because I was terrible, terrible at setting boundaries, boundaries. I thought people would say, Fuck you. I hate you flip a table. How dare you? Oh my god, you're such a troublemaker. Why are you so difficult? You're so touchy. You're so you're so emotional, whatever. And the reality people were just like, oh, you know? And I was like, what would you mean? Okay. Well, and still they might have had feelings, you know, that they dealt with afterwards. But you know, it was very anticlimactic. But there is that one at a time where it was climactic. climaxing climactic. It was it went tits up. Yeah. So remove that's one thing we can do. And there's lots of different things we can remove. Right and and so going back to the categories, friends, family clothes, do you have clothes in your closet that kind of goal outfits that every time you open your closet? Oh, hi, I'm a pair of jeans that used to fit you like 17 years ago, your piece of shit? Then maybe get rid of them. You know, if you're watching loads of TV shows that you know have tons of normative bodies and don't make you feel good, then maybe can't you can remove that or you can do reduce. Yeah. And so reduces the next next one. So say for example, you spend all of your Sunday with your fat phobic family. How about instead of spending six hours with them, you spend three hours because for whatever reason, you can't set boundaries. You don't want to and a relationship with them. And so you say I'm going to reduce the amount of time or that that TV show that you really like, you're going to instead of watching six hours, you're going to watch three hours and then you're going to watch three hours of a TV show that you know makes you feel good about yourself or neutral about yourself. Or you're going to do three hours of you know, looking at fat is on the internet, whatever it is. And maybe it's that you're going to still watch six hours of that TV show that doesn't make you feel good. But then you're also going to you know, next week not watch any of it so you know, whatever it could be something that you're you're doing temporarily and it could be something where you're you're adding in extra good stuff to counteract the stuff that you know influences you So yeah, if you've noticed I'm having a particularly bad body day to day body image day to day thinking like what has influenced me am I stressed out at work am I tired of have I been watching you know, the last did I binge bikini babes on the beach dating show thing you know, like what is let's look at the evidence to see what's been put into that suitcase the belief suitcase that fat is bad what has been being thrown in there recently. And what have I been doing to put stuff into the other suitcase which is fat is good fat is okay fat is spectacular, whatever it is, or my body is good bla bla bla bla but reducing is not always possible right? Sometimes you can't reduce the amount of exposure you have to something because it's just not in your it's not in your influence right

Speaker 1

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so if you go back to the work example you know your your you have a colleague who who's who you sit next to in the office, Susan and Susan is always like, oh, diet culture fat phobia, she has a fat phobia vortex and you can't be like Suzanne you know what I'm going to spend like less time near you because you can't move your desk Susan's gonna Susan whatever. And so what you can do there is protect yourself so for example Susan's like Allah Allah Allah Allah Allah diet culture, you can put your earphones in maybe, maybe you can't, you can go browsing the internet for for fat positive stuff, you can listen to an episode or first for a podcast. You can go and see your therapist and be like, Susan is have a fucking piece of work. You know? So what can you do to protect yourself? What can you do to protect yourself to before you're even hitting your brain with Susan isms? You know, what can you do beforehand, so say, if you're going for a weekend away with your family, and you know that they're going to be like, Oh, you're so fat or whatever? Can you have things set up in place already to help you, you know, going in there being like, Okay, this is what I'm going to say if they say this, I'm going to write it down on my notepad, this is what I'm going to do. If they keep talking, I'm going to excuse myself and go to the bathroom and hide in my room or go around for a stroll or a roll around the block or whatever. And then, you know, be on the toilet, going onto the internet onto the first fatty friend's Facebook group and being like, oh, oh, relief from relief from the fat phobia. And so again, thinking about this remove reduced protect friends, family, clothes, media, where you live, where you work, your activities, your your movement, any anything like that. And so for everyone is different, right? Your experience and the things that you have going on your life a totally different from mine, maybe. So there's no kind of one thing of I'm like, okay, so you know, your uncle Barry, you need to say to him this and do that and blah, blah, blah. But if we're thinking about all of these different areas, and and as well, the thing is, I am very eager allied or very perceptive to these things, because I do this work, right? And so I'm very like, ah, that person said that and that was based in the belief that fatness is bad. Whereas, if you're newer to this stuff, it might be a lot harder to spot, cuz it's just a common language that we all talk. And so right now, you might say, Well, I think everyone everything's fine. Okay, I think you know, my friends and family are pretty supportive. I think and, and everything seems okay. And then if that's the case, great. And also, it might be the case that you're unable to spot it right now, because we're all talking a common language and it seems acceptable. And the more that you learn, you might be like, Oh, actually, yeah. Yeah, I did notice that, that they said this or that, or, you know, there was this kind of comment that that alluded to that and you might become more aware of how things are a little bit more harmful that you can't see right now. And I think that's everything to do with our journeys, right? Unlearning all types of different systems of oppression is that some things that we think are fine now, you know, and you're like, years later, you're like, oh, no, I thought I was totally, you know, or I thought I was, like, 10 years ago, I would have been like, I'm not racist. And now I can be like, oh, yeah, I'm racist. Massively. Obviously, I'm, I'm working to be an anti racist person. But I have so much bigotry and bias up on this, this gorgeous noggin of mine, just because I was socialized inside white supremacy, you know, the default of whiteness being superior. So, I think that's the kind of awareness stage of oh, there's so many things I don't know, right? So many things. I do not know. And that goes for, you know, so many different areas of we just don't know when the more that we, we learn about this stuff, and even me, right, you know, I do this as a job. But still, there'll be things that come up and I'm like, Holy shit, yeah. I hadn't thought about that. And I hadn't thought about this, you know, intersection with fatness and I hadn't thought about how that person's experience might be different from mine. And, and we just don't know what we don't know. Isn't that a line from Pocahontas? You'll never knew the things you never knew. What is it? What is that? How does that line go? Something like that. Anyway, poke on it as fans are gonna be like me. No, it's this. You never knew. You never know the things you don't. You get the sentiment. It's really really annoying to hear me go. You never knew the things you never knew. You never know the things you don't never know. Ashley is in front of the fat studies reader. Let's see. Maryland one quoted it. Good night. I'm getting out. Okay, okay. You'll learn things as it you'll learn things. You'll learn things you never knew who you never knew. lyrics from Pocahontas and anti cult colleagues. I always struggle with when people do different versions of Colin, that colonialist, anti colonialist movie that contains unexamined colonialism. Haha, yes, it does. Yeah. Anyway, you'll learn things you never knew you never knew. And that is to do with all different types of learning. And also don't don't don't don't make that fit, make you feel like a giving up or whatever the fact that actually how much do we know? Probably not that much. Because you probably still also do more know more than you did yesterday. And same with me, you know? No, no, yesterday, last week, last year, last month, whatever. And it's a process, right? So all of this stuff. Here's some you know, from all of this stuff, I said, I've given you a lot of different examples, right. And so I would go and make a list of the things that seem easy. And so the things that aren't easier are probably looking at your phone, probably adding in some more people that are good influences on your body image journey on your social media. If you ever want to know who you should follow, go to anyone that you're following who is fat positive, who's anti diet, and go and see who they're following? If you see me, if you go and look at who I'm following, you'll also see disgusting pimple popping stuff. So keep that in mind. Actually, I wonder who who would come up. Let's see. I'm following 2300 people. Okay, okay. Yeah, good. Good. Good, good. Good. I'm just seeing who I'm following on like, Yeah, okay. That's their or good, good. Good, good. Good. Yeah. Good. Good. Get good. You Yeah, you know, I've got maybe like 20 people that I'm friends and, you know, friends or family with. But I think the most of everyone that I follow is people that is going to be helpful for for other people to follow. Yeah, yeah. It's also good things on who I'm following. Yeah, so that could be one. So you're going to do that, you're then going to say, have you noticed that your wardrobe is filled with things that make you feel like blur, you might not even have goal outfits, that's great. And if you do have gall outfits, you don't need to feel panicked and be like, Okay, well, I have to throw them in the bin. And I don't want to, I'm still holding on to the idea that I could be thin, and that's fine, you can just maybe put them at the back of your closet, you can maybe put them under your bed, you can maybe you know, store them away somewhere, and then just you know, see how that feels. And then maybe one day, you happen to become thin, and you can get them out. Or maybe one day, you're like, actually, I'm ready to give them away to someone or not whatever. And so it could be that your closet is, is filled with things that fit you now, and that feels good. But there's nothing in there that makes you feel, whoo, or makes you feel really good. When you pull it out. Is that possible for you to get something that feels really good? And again, that might not be possible for many different reasons. Maybe you don't have the money? Maybe? Maybe you're a supersize fat person, and it's very difficult to get clothes. And it's very difficult to get clothes that make you feel, you know. But is if we're moving on from that, are there any relationships where you think, okay, maybe I need to reduce the amount of time I spend with that person, or perhaps long term, I can think about setting

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a boundary with them, or actually, right now I'm ready to set a boundary with them. Do you? What do you what media do you consume? What's coming up there for you? What what shows you're watching? Everything that's going into your brain? And think about those kind of key things are key things that are going into your brain on a day to day basis? Are they supporting the idea that it's okay to be fat? Are they supporting the idea that it's not okay to be fat? Or are they neutral? You know, neither? Neither? Neither? Neither? Or can we get more of the supporting and less of the fat is bad stuff. And so come up with some ideas of what you could do. And I'm sure there's probably a few things that have come up and see what you can turn into kind of like a short term, short term goals, and longer term goals. And, and even with, with family and friends, if you're not ready to set boundaries. I know a lot of people don't even talk about this stuff yet, because it's so new, right? They don't talk about the fact that they're unlearning fat phobia. So that might be another goal that you could set off, I'm actually just going to tell people that I'm on this journey. I've decided that dieting is not working for me right now that I've decided that that I don't want to heat my body anymore. And even just talking to other people about it, because if this is going to be something that you're committed to long term, then that will eventually happen. Right? And, you know, the reason why I don't have to set boundaries around this stuff a lot anymore is because everyone just not it's my job. It's, it's like a huge part of who I am. And so because of that, people who know me know not to talk shit about fatness because they know that Arbalet are that's kind of gross. And so I've got a great deal of privilege there. Because I don't have to set boundaries because I've I've made it my personality, you know, I don't have a personality. My personality is fat. That's it. Yeah. So has this been helpful? Have you got some ideas I hope you are able to create some some tweaks and changes in your life to make yourself feel better. And if nothing, just go and have a big nap, have a cup of tea, whatever it is you'd like to do go and get one of those you know remember those things that you there were like little wires that you put on your head and it was like you'd scratch your head and put it feel really good you know one of those like head massager things. Yeah. Oh, I'd like one of those. I had one of those ones, but it's just seemed like a waste of space. Not that it's big. But yeah, go and go and do like a little head massage thing or you know, just go and have a nice poo. Whatever you whatever is accessible to you. I'd be far better. And thanks for hanging out with me today on the podcast. And we'll see you in the next episode.

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