When I was a kid, the daycare teacher yelled at me in a fit of rage because I was talking back to her again. What happened to you? She said, Mrs. Adams, the German interesting as I'm sitting here in Berlin, what happened to you? She said, You used to be such a nice girl. Now you're just a little brat.
Behave. When I was your age, we used to eat medicine brats, and we were grateful for it.
She talked about growing up behind the wall, denied every material pleasure. She thought all of us in that daycare were spoiled brats. She couldn't see the traumas any of us were carrying.
She saw my talking back as the rebellion of a willful, spoiled child. She didn't see it as the reaction of the kid growing up with so much trauma and repression that it was the only place they could even remotely begin to assert some
dominance isn't even the right word boundary. I internalized this line as my greatest shame, even though I acted like I was proud of it cut me to the core, because I used to be a people pleaser. I started off as the good kid, the teacher's pet, the one who loved Jesus so much they dressed up like him.
I really, this
was a compliment. Nice girls die of cancer, and I am not a woman. The nice girl is what society has always wanted us to be. The nice girl is the expectation, the burden of the patriarchy.
If you were born into a female body, they want you to be a nice girl
in public,
in front of everyone,
and then be naughty, dirty for them. When nobody's looking, they want to possess your body, material versus spiritual possession. This is the Great Schism you
are you calling in the spirits or being dominated by them?
SNM, of the form versus the formless, the S and M of awakening. What's the safe word?
Are you yielding? Are you consenting? I
Are they taking possession of your body like it's their property?
You used to be such a nice girl, she said, now you're just a little brat, but I consider this a compliment. Nice girls die of cancer and get taken advantage of, and I am not a woman, nor will I conform to your fucking patriarchal stereotypes, the nice girl you can fuck whenever you want to. I am not your whore, nor your Madonna. I'm a trans former a wascally wabbit, an alchemist,
a shape shifter, a
spiritualist,
now you see me. Now you don't Slippery like a fish. You can't hold on to it. You can't define it. You're attracted to it, and that scares you, so you try to damn it. You're attracted to the transitory nature of it, so you try to damn it you're you don't trust your body. So you don't want me to trust mine either, because we grew up in a puritanical culture, all of us, one of contradictions. One that says it upholds family values and nice girls and loyalty to one partner, but then really the ones who get uplifted by the culture are the ones who violate all of those norms and rules the ones who are sexual, but only if they allow themselves to be possessed, only if they make themselves material, only if they make themselves a product that is marketable, that someone can imagine themselves possessing, that someone can possess. Ooh, they mold. Today's entertainers, the ones who are not consciously transmuting energies are turning themselves are not there's the shamans like Beyonce, and then there's the ones who are operating, unconsciously turning themselves into commodities, into private property that can be materially possessed, whereas the real shamans, Whether they're in the entertainment industry or the Amazon they enter into voluntary spiritual possession. They call down the ancestors and the elements, and they get protection and guidance. When journeying, they temporarily surrender and yield the yielding. It's the one where you can take it back again. You
I will not give myself away. I will not behave. I save me and I decide if I submit to whom and when I decide if I allow myself to be temporarily possessed by another energy, spirit, person. This is my declaration of loyalty to myself, for me, to me, and my whole trans family, they can take away the tea in the legal protections, but they'll never erase us. Yet it is shocking and it is deeply disturbing. It's now no longer hypothetical. It's now no longer just in the subtext. It's in practice. It's not safe to be who I am in my own country. We're not protected legally.
I can't go back there,
even if I wanted to. Stakes just got a lot higher. Go
to the bookstore and talk to them today about maybe claiming amnesty. It's not weakness. It's strength to say, I will not go back to a place where my body isn't safe anymore. I
I will make noise and take up space, and I will make ceremony and places for my people to come together and celebrate our transness. Now we'll enter in with the death plants and the shape shifters to confront these slippings away, because sometimes I long to go back to sleep and fall into the dream of holly, the woman again. And things seemed on the surface like they were easier, but actually my internal experience was so much harder. I and
I guess it doesn't matter what order things happen in, because time isn't linear. It's cyclical. To go further into myself is to open up to everyone else, vice versa.
