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079_The_Downsides_to_Higher_Confidence_PLUS_Whats_With_the_New_Midsize_Thing

Vinny Welsby1h 6min

Speaker 1

00:00

You're listening to the fierce fatty podcast episode 79. The downsides of body love plus the new midsize saying let's do it.

Speaker 1

00:23

I'm Victoria Welsby TEDx speaker, Best Selling Author and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self esteem to being a courageous and confident fifth party who loves every inch of this jelly. Desire. The teacher says living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed? Or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century? So how do you stop a negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the first fatty podcast let's begin Hello, welcome to this podcast episode. Thanks for hanging out with Marie. I so appreciate it. I'm doing another yet another new setup to see if the video will work. But hey, any tech geeky wizards people know anything about getting a better camera without spending a billion dollars or let me know. I got my hair cut. I got my hair that was more egg and the hairdresser, new hairdresser. Perfect. dyed my hair not wonky. Remember last time I got my haircut and the like. The bleach was one side, one down on one side and then high on the other and then cut really short one side and then longer than the other and it was a disaster. Oh, well this time. No, it was great. Apart from inexplicably. I was given a middle parting, newness and middle parting. And I put the picture up on the Instagrams and people said I looked like James Van Der Beek from Dawson's Creek. Draco Malfoy is exact same color as Draco Malfoy is is bleached. I don't know who these people are. But I looked at pictures and I was like, yep, yep, yep. Devon Sawa. Jonathan Taylor Thomas. I think they're at their American like 90s heartthrobs maybe. And then some someone said, if you watch EastEnders, the British show, and I was like, oh, yeah, yeah. So said, mentioned didn't I look to like, but mentioned Ian Beale, from EastEnders from like, the 2000s. And I was like, yes. And ENB are like his character is just like this. Oh, like rots? Like sleazy or slimy is not the right word. Like he's not like, he's just, you know, one of the ones who was just, you know, he beat me someone who would grass you when, you know, he'd be like, me smears. But he's like a full grown man. Like, that's a type of person. Ian Bailey isn't I was like, Yeah, perfect. I like em BU, but it's okay, because I just brushed my hair forward, and I'm just back to being me. It's all good. So, another thing happening this week on my baby boy do girl My dog is he's all grown up, and he's going to have a new dog walking Powell. So I have found a dog walker in the area. And I thought, you know, what, a typical is stuck to my side. 24/7 and it's good for him to go out and be with other people and stuff to build his confidence, you know, because he's, he's a bit of an anxious talk. So we went in we we spent some time with a dog walker yesterday and, and Dooku liked him. But the moment that I started to kind of drift away to see if they can go out on their own. Diggle was immediately like, why or she was my mommy. I'm scared. So we'll see how it goes on Thursday. They're going out on their own. In the past when people or other people have tried to take him out like my mum tried to take him out a couple of times, and Dougal thought that I was coming. And then I wasn't there and he literally escaped from his harness and ran back to the house. A couple of times he's done that so hopefully, Diego doesn't do that with the dog walker. The dog walker is going to have lots of treats to bribe him and he is free. be motivated. So, fingers crossed. We don't have a lost dog walking around West End, Vancouver.

Speaker 1

05:07

Yeah. So today's episode we're talking about a couple of things with this new quote unquote, mid size thing and the downsides of body love body confidence. And let's talk about the midsize thing this thing first. Some of the got me thinking about this was a post in a Facebook group that I'm in. And so this post in this this fat positive Facebook group I'm in, says, Has anyone seen this new trend around the concept of mid sized basically it's young women who are like a size 10 Learning to Love slash reveal their bodies, their bodies, etc. It's picking up a lot of traction on Tik Tok, and it's pissing me off. It feels like this side effect of the political neutralizing of body positivity and it's making my skin crawl. I guess it bothered me for pretty basic reasons, but I just wanted to see if others had taken note of it and had any thoughts and I'm going to read some people's comments. So you can get to see this the fat perspective on this, this, this midsize thing that you might have seen going around but the old tic TOCs and maybe posted on Instagram for people who want on Tik Tok, but what it is okay, so I there's a kind of a main account on Instagram that it's called mid size collective. And this is their little blurb, so we get to see what the definition of mid size is according to mid size collective so it says the original home of not petite, but not plus size style, wrapping the size 10 to 16 babes. So I'm presuming that is you s sizes. Something that came up when I was I was I was looking at this. I was like I like I do like the fashion on this account. And it's like, use this hashtag to be featured. And I was thinking whatever size 20 person wants to be featured like what if a size 22 or 24 or size 30 person who is a plus size? Fashion queen, king, gender neutral word for Monique Monique is tagger they just not letting the fat people come in come in something I was like, Oh, they've been told that that you fat? I was like, I don't know about that. repping the size 10 to 16 Buttons maybe reppin the size 10 Plus? I don't know. I don't know. Anyway. So here are some kind of feedback from the fat community and then I'll give you my take. I'll give you my take. So some of the question in the post was I guess it bothers me. But I wanted to see if others are taking note of it and had any thoughts or replies Yes, and I deeply dislike it. I think on tick tock is an interesting intersection of Klout and BoPo. Convert Convos we all had like 10 plus years ago. I think people are realizing they'll get clout if they post a all bodies are good and normal, especially our size 10 Girls with our curves and one roll. I think it also intersects with old conversations about BoPo not being fat liberation, and people conflating the two I fully fully saw a tick tock from a woman who is a self professed size 12 Mid size saying that quote skinny girls got their time plus size girls got their time so now it's mid size girls time to shine. And I was like girl I'm still waiting for the fat folks time to shine in popular culture is exhausting to see the same conversations happen in 10 year cycles. And I can only imagine what it's like for folks who have been doing fact division activism for 20 plus years etc. Another comment says it feels like they don't want to acknowledge their raging privilege that they have as a straight size person and want to be fat adjacent without actually actually being fat because Ooh, fat is fat. Also I feel like a lot of folks don't identify as being straight size because they don't feel small or like their body and so they want to say I'm discriminated get discriminated against just like the fatties another comment mid sides does not experience mid size do not experience intersectional oppression as fat people do. It's nonsense. Obviously I'm feeling some kind of way fat people have a moment in culture and thins cannot handle it.

Speaker 1

09:55

I never comment it's absolutely neutralizing it's further co opting body body positivity and appropriating struggle, fat liberation needs to replace that term Lizzo posted a really good response to a thin person saying similar stuff. She asked point blank is this oppression Olympics? Model and thins and midsize aka thins, would you wake up tomorrow and be fat or thin, aka their size? I think that's what we're saying is like, do they actually want to be fat? Or do they actually want to be thin and they probably actually want to be thin. And then final comment I'm going to share is, from a data nerd perspective, mid size implies that there is a median in a set of range of sizes, this is false, there is no median body size, there is no range of body sizes, there is no smallest or largest or, or not too small or not too large body. Even if you were to measure everybody on the planet and calculate a median size, your data would be inaccurate as soon as one person died or was born. So I think that's like the fat side of things. Let's have the side of things from someone who is mid sized. So here is a some from someone who is mid size, I Googled mid size, body positivity and look for things which weren't like let's celebrate mid size stuff. And I look for something which was someone who had a more nuanced view, you know, versus just, it's good to show all bodies in the mid sized world. And I found a post. It's from Victor meldrew.com. And they post our link in the in the comments in the capital, whatever is called mid size representation rocks, but we need to be mindful. Let me read a little excerpt from him. Because I thought this was I thought this was really like what it's all about. Like as in really like why people don't feel good about this being a thing. Why fat people don't feel good. Okay, so the term mid size seems to be everywhere at the moment with Lucy Jane wood owning YouTube with her size 14 concept content, she lost the mid mid size collective, which is that one I just mentioned on Instagram and every blogger who falls into the category finally finally feeling like they have a home to show off their mid size style is quickly becoming the in thing. And whilst that's amazing for us girls who can be labeled size UK 12 to 18 or 10 to 16. Whatever way you look at it, we must be mindful to people who are on the other ends of the size spectrum. We must remember that the only reason it's now quote unquote acceptable to show off your curves and celebrate our still widely accepted body type is because of the original body positivity movement, a movement that was started by people who have bodies that are not the societal norm, and are often shunned completely from representation, larger bodies, bodies of color bodies with physical disabilities. The mutant movement was radical it was in our faces, and it was unabashed. But in recent times, it has been completely bastardized celebrities influencers and quote unquote, normal people have taken that taken the term body positive and confused it with body confidence, because body positivity is all about feeling positive about bodies that society treats negatively. It's not about celebrating forms and shapes that up on the whole accepted show, we can moan that the UK average is a size 1416. So where are all the font size 1416 models, celebrities and influences. But we must understand that being quote unquote, average has its own set of perks. So we can so how can we as midsize midsize celebrate the rise and representations of our bodies without drowning out the message that still needs to be widely spread? First of all, we need to recognize our privilege. So it goes on. We need to recognize our privilege. Let me see the other headlines here. Yeah, that's it. We need to recognize our privilege. And then it says OB boosts the original body positive movement. Yeah, that's it. That's all that says. And then there's word under those titles. But yeah, so I liked that. I liked that. So my view on this all this, like, it's cool that we have more representation of more body types by body types, but but with the mid size movement, we are again, lifting bodies that are normative. Like

Speaker 1

14:49

it's not it's not activism, but I don't think that mid size folks are claiming to be activists. But then again, I don't I don't know. I saw Tik Tok, which was a girl who was like doing this like parody of her going into Lululemon. And my first thought was, I've never been I've never walked into a Lululemon because there's no way not in a million years, there would be anything there that fits me. One and two, Chip Wilson, the founder is the biggest fat faux piece of shit ever. So I wouldn't give him the money. My money any anyway, so. So, parrot, you know, she's going into Lululemon. She's like, Oh, I'm looking for this size 14, trouser. And then she does like a thing of how the rep is like, oh my god, size 14 You're so fat. Oh, my God that's really big. And said, Oh, here we are, here's one pair of trousers go into the fitting room and try it on. And then she's like, what's your name for the fitting room? And she said, I don't know, Sandra or whatever. And she's like, okay, cool. And then she wrote FA TT why she's, you know, she wrote spelt that out on the changing room. And, like, part of me was like, I get it, I get it. Like, it's hard when you don't fit into clothes, and you're not that thin, thin, thin person, you know, when you're not a size 10 and like to meet so I said, it's like thin, thin. When you know, you know, very, very small when you're not very small. You don't feel like you have privilege like going into Lululemon and they're not being all the sizes available? Seems like that oppression seems like that is really bad. And at the same time, it's not acknowledged and and it it and it's not good. It's not good that you can't go into Lululemon and have all the sizes, right? Okay, that's just a fact. It's not good. So it's not like I'm like, Yeah, well, you know, it's good to linen tonight. No, it's not good. But the thing is, a midsize person can walk into a store and not be like, you know, lol, there's nothing that isn't even gonna go over one leg, never mind go over your whole body. Like, you know, fat people, there's no, we have to shop online, you know, to be able to walk into a short store and go into a changing room. I was like, Oh, is that what the experience is? Like in literally Lululemon? Is that what happens that someone comes and takes your clothes and then asks for your name and write your name on a door? Because I haven't experienced that? You know? Because, you know, I don't go into Lululemon because, you know, I know nothing's gonna fit. And obviously, I've been into stores, there's like, I can go into Old Navy here, Old Navy now does. I think they go up to Forex. And so I would be wearing like a 3x. And so I went into Old Navy the other day, like a couple of weeks ago to see if I could find I needed something 100 What it was, and just see, I didn't know what had sizes they hadn't, I thought I maybe had some oversized things. And I was able to buy stuff. Now the changing rooms are closed because of COVID. But I had that privilege of someone being 3x and probably between 3x 4x Do we have to do that? Right? And but someone who's 5x They can't go and walk into a store. And so imagine if I'm like, oh my life so hard, I can only like I go into I go into Old Navy and they like they like laugh at how fat I am. Well, what about the person who can't even go into Old Navy? And so that's kind of like that's why it kind of rubbed me the wrong way. So with the mid sizing, we are lifting bodies that are normative, but is that like what the mid size movement is? Is it? Is it it? Well, I guess it I guess it is you know a movement to to to raise up mid size bodies, which is strange, because mid size bodies are everywhere. And they're normative. But maybe, I don't know, maybe mid size people feel like they're not celebrated. You know, because it's either you're either plus size, and you're celebrated in some spaces, most of the most of the world you're really cold and laughter and you know, all that type of stuff. Or then if you're mid sized, you know, say if a celebrity is mid sized, they're categorized as fat and they're like, Oh my God, look how fat this delivery is. You know, and

Speaker 1

19:39

maybe they don't they I think a lot of people don't identify with being straight size even though they're straight size. They don't because they don't feel thin. You know, they feel they feel like they're not fit because they don't have a very small straight size body. So I think I think if mid size folks acknowledge their privilege, and make sure they're not being fat phobes, then it's a good thing to happen spaces, right, you know, is a good thing to how people people can find spaces where they find other people and bodies that they identify with. But should we be raising up mid size bodies? I mean, no, it's nice for straight size, people who don't feel thin to have people who look like them on social media. But I would seriously caution to unpack the fatphobia that there is there. And the potential need to feel like they need to center their body in a movement, body positivity, which is about centering marginalized bodies. And I, I'm curious about whether they straight size people who who identify as midsize don't want to admit that they have privilege, but also don't want to be seen as fat? Because fat is bad. Also, is it more palatable? The question is, the answer is yes. Is it more palatable, palatable to be looking at mid sized bodies on social media? And so because then if you're if you're categorized as plus size, then plus size is you might see plus, like, people be like, Oh, that but they're really unattractive, then I don't like Oh, really fat, you know, sort of thing versus you know, that that could feel too far, like, does too much. And that's fatphobia. Right? And then I wonder then, if see if a midsize person looks at a small body, if they're like, Well, I don't have the privilege of that small bodied person has. Because I've got a little role or I'm a little bit chubby. And they're I think there is a difference like there are there is a difference. But still, the larger bodied you body you are, the more oppression and stigma that you face. And so yeah, like Lizzo said, like, is this oppression Olympics of? Well, I'm not very, very, very thin. So I don't look like a, you know, a supermodel. But then, I'm not fat, but I still I get that kind of fat the world isn't isn't nice to me bit as well as not being not not having to identify as fat because I don't want to be seen as fat because it's bad to be fat. These are just things I'm like running around in my head. And obviously, I think that it's not like, I don't think that midsize people are like, Hmm, you know what, I'm gonna really fuck with the fat. He's now I'm going to come up with this whole midsize sin and I'm going to like a raise the fat ease and like, let's not talk about the facts anymore. Apart from that one person who was like fat, fat people have had their time. Now it's time for us to shine like that person can go away. But I don't think you know, I don't think it's nefarious, I don't think it's, it's, it's people who are like, rubbing their hands together with gleaming like, you know, fuck the phase. But I think I think a lot of it is people who don't want to recognize their privilege. And I think it's nice for those people to see people who look like them. Acknowledging that they are not Finn. You know, so Yeah, nothing is like a you know, it doesn't feel radical, it doesn't feel radical, it doesn't feel like you know, it's again, reinforcing what is to be celebrated and what is to be celebrated is normative bodies.

Speaker 1

24:03

Which it just started you just feels, to me it just feels a bit boring, you know, just feels a bit boring. Like, I like the radical stuff. I like the, you know, being challenged by what I'm seeing and, and having those moments where I'm like, Oh, am I having? No, am I experiencing fatphobia here? Am I just filling my feed with people who look like me and has the same skin color and is the same size? And is is it you know, cisgendered neurotypical or that type of stuff because to me, that's just a bit boring. You know? I want to be you know, I want to think to look at things that are visually interesting and not saying like, midsize bodies are not visually interesting or, or or my body size is not visually interesting, but it's just I think it for me, it's just more like just more more radical and and cool to sell Celebrate, and forward thinking and, and progressive to celebrate bodies that have not been held up as the standard. And I think mid size, a lot of times is the standard and is and is seen as the standard of plus size. So if we think about like, quote unquote plus size models like Ashley Graham, Ashley Graham would actually be considered mid size. So she's a plus size model, because modeling industry is fucked up. But Ashley Graham is 100% Straight size. But because she's got some curves, then some people would say, Oh, she's mid size. So, nuances, what we need, nuances what we need, and people being kind and thoughtful and, you know, not saying every mid size person who is like into the mid size movement is a piece of shit. Some of them probably are some of them, probably not. And not every fat person is great. And but, you know, being being kind and thoughtful in regards to, is this something new? Or is this just fatphobia being regurgitated in a more friendly way? Question for you there to think about. Okay, so, let's talk about the downsides of loving your body, or feeling confident. Because, you know, I was falling asleep the other night, I was falling asleep, I was like, you know, when you're on the brink of sleep, and you decide, ah, so good. And as it does is that this idea came into my head of all these different ways that is, you know, the downsides of being confident and loving your body and all that type of stuff. Because, you know, I talk about how it's how, you know, I've had a good experience with my body, and it's great, and all that type of stuff. And I think that everyone should, and, you know, not everyone should but whatever, do what's good for you. And I thought, you know, have I ever said, Oh, by the way, there are some shit bits that come with it, you know, I want to be transparent, but like here that are shipped bits. That should be the name for Fitbit shit bit. Take that shit off your rest of your wearing one. Because it's not all kind of like you don't get to this. I think some people think that they, they they learned to get confidence. And all of a sudden, it's like, the sun is always shining. It never rains say you know, life is amazing. nothing bad ever happens. And you know how some people think about like, Oh, when I get rich or, or when I get a boyfriend or Oh, when this other thing happens, everything's gonna be fixed. And it's not like that. Confidence comes with its new set of challenges. And so let me let me talk about them in your, with my mouth, into your ear and then into your brain. And, yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. Okay, so, first thing is the downsides of loving your fat body. The first one and I'm experiencing this on right now is dating is harder. So much harder is so fucking annoying. Before when I had lower confidence, I would be swimming in Dick balls. Like men everywhere, right? Someone on on the dating profiles are like, hey, and I would be planning our wedding just with those three letters, I'd like to imagine we're gonna be together forever. And we're gonna have a lot because there was no question about, like, if someone expressed any type of interest in me, no matter what type, you know, done, I'm there as long as they weren't weren't a massive weirdo or something, you know, I was there.

Speaker 1

29:03

And I could have if I wanted to 1,000,001 night stands, I could now if I wanted to, but I can't bring myself to do it. I could have 1,000,001 night stands and I could have long term relationships to and, and I could be happy. And I could have that companionship. But deep down, I knew that these people weren't right for me. You know, you're not you know, you know, when you're with someone and you're like, I know what's gonna break us up. I can predict our future but I'm just gonna we're just gonna bury that down deep down right now because right now it's fine, but I can predict that this person is not good for me long term. Because I would I would rationalize it with well, at least I want my baby with me. You know that. So kind of them to want to be with me doesn't matter that I know that they're not a right fit and sometimes I could have been a really not right fit. For me, sometimes it could have just been like, I know, this is this is this, this has got an expiration day. You know, I just felt like I was lucky that someone wanted to be with me because it was preferable to being alone, because I had more confidence, right? So, with these relationships, I wasn't getting what I wanted, really. You know, if I had a one night stand, I'll be like, in my head, I'm thinking, I'm gonna show him how I'm the sexiest person he has ever thought, I'm gonna do the shit that he's seen only in porn. And I wasn't there for my pleasure. I was not there for my pleasure. You know, I had fun. Of course, sometimes not. Not as much. But most of the time, I was there for the feeling of pride that I got when I gave the guy pleasure. And, and it was the same with long term relationships. Really, like, it was all about proving myself see someone likes me. Yeah, they're not all gray, but stills to still, you know, they're very charitable for dating a fatty. So, you know, what can I expect? And now I just can't put up with that shit. I just can't I just, I'm just like, it's like, there's something in my brain that is switched, where were you know, someone sends me a message? Hey, I'm just like, No. Can't you make any more effort than that? I mean, cuz Don't you see who I am? Not in an arrogant way. Don't you know who I am? But, you know, I'm worth more than this. I'm worth more than just, you know, one of our cars or something like that. And, you know, like, so the last guy that I had sex with, this was pre pandemic. He, we haven't sex he had, like, He came like three times, right? And then it was then I was like, Okay, some time for me. I'm gonna I'm gonna get some of mine, you know? And after I tell you, I swear it was probably two minutes, not joking, not exaggerating. About after about two minutes. He said something like, hurry up. You're taking too long. Something that I can't remember the exact words. But I was like, and so if that had happened before, I'd be like, you know, oh, yeah, I just had an orgasm, you know, fake it. Because I couldn't, you know, be like, Excuse me. It's an affair, motherfucker. And, you know, and then I would, I would just, I would just accept it. I just accept it. This time. I was like, No, motherfucker. I'm gonna get half mine. And then I'm never gonna see you again. You piece of shit. Like, well, what the hell are you? You just had three orgasm muscles, like, oh my god, this is amazing. I'm like, Yeah, bitch, or no. And then when I'm trying to get mine, he's like, can you like you've taken like seven things and still on? Fog off. So I'm just like, I haven't got time for that shit. I just.

Speaker 1

33:10

Yeah, a lot of literally, my last therapy session was talking about this, how I'm like, why, why why is why is this. And I was like, I realize I'm giving people too much of a chance. And so because this is this is the first time I'm dating as someone with higher self esteem. Because before I had a lower self esteem when I was dating and in relationships, and so this is all new stuff. For me. I'm still I'm still like Bambi with a wobbly legs and stuff. And so I've been keep giving people too much of a benefit of a doubt. And so whenever people say if that conversation isn't light in my world up over messaging, I'm like, I'm giving them too much credit and being like, well, maybe they're not neurotypical maybe they don't know how to communicate as well. And so by not giving them as many chances as possible, I'm being judgmental. And, and then we talked about how I was able to say, like to this one guy who was like, I'm gonna come around your house and have sex with you. And I was like, fuck off, block him. And how that was so easy, because I could I could I, you know, I trusted my intuition and work with other guys. I'm struggling to trust my intuition of you know, they're not making any alpha. And so it's not that they are, they're struggling, it's that they just don't give a shit. And I'm gonna and then soon as I realized that I was like, Bitch, no, I haven't got time for those motherfuckers. And so, you know, and now I've realized, okay, I don't need to engage in these conversations that are going nowhere, and I know they're going nowhere. I can just save my energy for people who've got, you know, who can talk to me. And even if they are, if they're not neurotypical they, you know, they can still provide something, you know, Hello, how are you? How's your day going? Something like that. Versus like, here's, here's my balls, you know? whatever they say. So, yeah, first one, dating is harder. Next one, boundaries, boundaries. It's like, now I have this, I feel like I have this moral obligation to do the right thing, and try and communicate my wants or needs. And to, not to and to like bury it down and feels like grubby and inauthentic. And so it's like this thing. Like, it's like, it's like, it's like a half, two now. And it's really annoying. Like, like, I know what I need to do. And I'm like, Okay, well to be to be a more evolved person, I know, I'm gonna have to do this thing. And it's really fucking annoying. Why can't I just not have those negative feelings of burying my head in the sand and just ignoring the issue? So I had this came up recently, when there's someone who I cut from my life, and I spent years working on this. I cut this person from my life a couple of years ago, officially. And they emailed me out of the blue and was like, Okay, well, this is enough time now. Like, can you just be my friend now again? Can we just get on again? And I was like, I boundaries, boundaries. Okay. Okay, right, I'm gonna have to book a session with my therapist, because I need to talk about this and make sure that I'm dealing with this in a way that is best for me. And so I did. And so it's annoying, because I had to, I had to pay for for a 15 minute therapy session. And I didn't have to want to, I didn't want to have to think about this. And it would have been like, it would have been better, if not better. But before I would have just been like, Do you know why? I've not spoken to him for a couple of years, they've probably learned their lesson, I'll be friends with them again. And now like the Victoria with higher confidence is like, is that really what's best? Or is what's best for you going to be something a little bit more difficult. And turns out, it was something a little bit more difficult. So you know, before, like, not setting about not saying that setting boundaries is terrible, bad thing that you have to do. It's just that, you know, before I wouldn't set boundaries, and I would secretly hate people, and

Speaker 1

37:26

the consequences of not setting boundaries are bad. And I was angry. And people were, you know, I was angry when people were violating these invisible boundaries I never stated. And people couldn't get close to me, because I'd be like, in my head thinking, well, one time you said this, and you did this, and I secretly don't like you. But I'm never gonna tell you because that's too scary. Because I'm scared you I'm going to reject me. versus actually build a building good relationships with people when they step over a boundary, being able to communicate with them in a way that is loving and, and one a way that is going to protect you and, and help build those relationships. So yeah, so boundaries. I'm like, I fucking love a boundary. If you need help on setting boundaries, go and grab boundary boss, it's a Mini eCourse that I have my website, I'll link it in the show notes. If you need help with setting boundaries. Because during this work of learning to love your body, you're gonna have to be setting boundaries. And sometimes it's just knowing, like, sometimes I'm like, can I just be like, can I just not? And like, it's not your conscience? Because it's not about morality, but it's, you know, there's a, it's your confidence, and it's your self esteem that says, No, come on, you know, wallow in it a bit for a bit, but you know, what's gonna be best for your mental health? And then, you know, then you're like, Fine, I'll do it. Annoying. Yeah, so the next one is that relationships end. And as I was saying, like, they know that the person emailed me, and it's actually someone who was in my family. And so this is really hard. This is really hard, because it can be people that you are very close to currently. And if you're working on this stuff, you will realize that there are some people in your life that are very harmful, and boundaries are not going to do it. Like you can't repair the relationship because they're just, they are just not in a place where they're able to be who you want them to be. And obviously, we can't just force people to be who we want them to be annoying. Rude. So you will have to move away from people that you have no, maybe for a long time that you've got lots of memory with memories with you will have to end relationships and have difficult conversations and it's just so much easier to not it's just so much easier to not easier but not better for you. And it means you have to rebuild so it means that there may be no one that you've got long term relationships with it may be that all of your people who you're surrounded with a new friends and, and that is sometimes difficult because it's it's nice to have those long term relationships where you can like, remember when we were five, and we were like in the playground and that was cool. And those people that you grew up with your childhood friends, or maybe even family members might not be the safest people. And so you may lose relationships might absolutely have lost a lot of relationships. If I think about who I was friends with, when I had lower self esteem, I don't think many of them have survived into this new version of me. I've got like childhood friends who, you know, you will message maybe once or twice a year, and, you know, so I'm lucky in that way that I because because, you know, people that I I like to keep up with, but if I had those people, maybe maybe if I had people in my life who were from childhood who were super toxic, then I would have to not be in contact with them. And so for those, for people who are dealing with that, that's really hard. And it can be sad, and it can be like, questioning being like, Am I like really uptight? Like, why can't I just get over this? Hence why I spent years in therapy, no joke being like, why can't I just get over this? Why can't I just let this person be rude and mean to me? Why do I have to be so uptight about it? And it's not it wasn't me being uptight, it was you know, that person was not good for my mental health.

Speaker 1

41:37

Okay, next one is being more exposed to trolls. Because you're doing activism work by not, you know, just by not hating your body. You're doing activism work. And if you have any type of presence on social media, how many followers do I have? Maybe 30? Something 35 for the 232 followers mean, my mom, a couple of friends. Know that 31.9. So yeah, almost 32. So do that. So 80,000. And so because I have an that's, that's Instagram, right? Because I have more people seeing me I am just by the nature of the beast exposed to more bigots and more trolls. And this one weighs on me quite a lot. And I go back and forth about this one, a lot of whether this, whether it's whether it's worth it to do this work, because of the impact that being exposed to too big it has on my health, my mental health and my physical health. Because we all know, stigma shame, stress is really bad for us. And, and then, you know, I'll swing from like, Ah, shit, you know, this is just, this is probably not the best profession that you chose Victoria, because you're on the front lines, but then I'll have other days being like, actually, you know, this is no, no, you know, this is what I need and want to do. And it's important, and I don't get trolls every day, I'm very lucky. Some accounts, they get trolls, like, many, many a day, I don't get trolls every single day. Depends on how much exposure I'm getting at that time. And obviously, the more exposure, the more trolls come along. And anyway, sometimes it will come in spurts. You know, I don't know if I if you remember, a few months back, I was there was someone with millions of followers who shared my content, and then his trolls came come in, like came on coming over. And so that was a very difficult time for my, my stress levels, right, which has an navic negative impact on my health. And, and I noticed that so I have so depression and anxiety and I feel like it's pretty well managed. And I'm able to recognize when I'm experiencing anxiety and able to pinpoint it and able to say okay, this is how it's manifesting, I've noticed a lot of times that the way that my anxiety anxiety manifests is around social media and what I've put out there and your perception of me this is when I'm in in my anxiety and so this is like something like my brain is overtaken, and stuff is going on in my brain where I'm like, Okay, right. So that you you put this post out there and these are the words you've used. Someone might construe that as you're saying, you hate everyone. Actually Is it is it most people think that by this post, you're saying that you love being racist or actually you're a secret beggar or, or you're a bad person and you're, you're going to get canceled, you know, and so my anxiety is going to is, my anxiety will be like, Oh, you fucked up by putting that post out there. And it won't be as rational, right? And whereas, if I didn't have if I weren't, if I wasn't doing this work if I didn't have high body confidence and, and self esteem, a lot of stuff, I wouldn't be doing this stuff and and so I wouldn't be having like, Oh, am I going to get canceled on the grand scale? And is there is some YouTuber going to make a video about, like, so cold body positive advocate turns out to be a conservative, or whatever, I don't know. And then like, I'm like, okay, that's anxiety speaking, is that based on reality? No, get off social media, go in, have some CBD, read a book and relax, and, you know, so anyway, so, you know, it affects my mental health. And also, you know, people, even if you don't have the 80,000 followers, or even if you have more followers, you know, it doesn't matter how many followers you're gonna, you have, like, put yourself out there is gonna cause you know, things to happen in your brain. Okay, next one is feeling a fraud when having a bad body day. And it being harder to be vulnerable on bad body days, as sometimes people expect you to be confident 24/7. So I don't struggle with this one as much, because I think that it's pretty.

Speaker 1

46:35

I feel like people, people who follow me recognize that I'm a human. And I, sometimes, you know, I think I've explained this a lot about saying how, you know, not always going to be like, amazing all the time. And sometimes you're going to like, you know, but the amount of two, I'm amazing is going to be different when you're when you have worked out all of this type of stuff. And but some people do struggle a lot with feeling like they can be like, Do you know what if I, I've worked on this stuff, and I'm feeling confident, but you know what, right now I feel like a piece of shit, especially if they, you know, they're newer to the game of feeling confident. And then they question themselves off. And I really actually confident or am I faking it? And am I just pretending to be confident because that's what I want. Because I don't feel confident right now. And it can be a struggle, but then remembering to remember that you're a human being with a human being brain and you know, so many things can influence you and you're gonna have good days and bad days, hopefully more good days, or bad days. Next one is having a higher expectations in life and not settling. And this means increased risks in life. So, you know, we've talked about that with dating, but just in life in general, when you have higher self esteem, it comes back to the I know, this is better for my well being but it's annoying, and I can't just put my head in the sand I have to deal with this stuff. So and I know that I deserve better. So I was in in corporate recruitment for eight, nine years ish. Did I like recruitment? Fuck no, it was boring a shit. I like talking to people. I liked helping people. I liked building relationships. And I liked my colleagues and things like that. But you know, like recruitment. Like, you know, me, like you know, you know, that's not my thing. You know, I'm not like recruitment. I love like, I love helping people. That's that's definitely for sure. But you know, my last my last corporate job to there was a shift where they hired a new I think, I don't know if your CEO anyway, here's from like, he was like, he was American and Canadian company. He was American and he was like, conservative as shit. I remember him coming in and just being like, just exactly what you think an American Conservative is and I remember over lunch him being him telling his story about how this deer would come onto his property and how beautiful this deer was and then and describing in detail how you know, looking into the deers eyes and then watching as as as his son like shot the deer or he shot the deer or something. And him being like, Isn't that so cool that we got to shoot it? And everyone at the table being like, What the fuck? The fuck is wrong with you, you? Who are you? Yeah. Anyway, So, you know, then, so this whole conservative thing came over the company and, and I was bored, and I was a shit employee anyway, but it paid really well it paid very, very well. And I also I knew that I had to not do that job anymore because it wasn't not me or was not fulfilling my life and doing the things I wanted to do. And, and so I had to do something different because I had, you know, higher self esteem I, I had to, I just, I didn't have to, I was compelled to. And now I'm paying way less way less. And if I had stayed in that corporate world, on the production trajectory that I was on, I would currently be driving around in a really fancy car, and I'd have a super, super swish apartment, and I'd be buying clothes from Elqui and being like, $20, shipping, talent, $20 shipping, whatever, I'm going to get, like loads of stuff or madikwe. Like Eliquis like my Blaze, like, it's just so expensive, especially if you're Canadian, because you have to pay $20 us shipping, which I think is like 30 bucks. And so you're like, oh, do I really want this anyway. So yeah, if I had stayed there, I would have had loads of money, but I wouldn't be happy like I am today. I wouldn't be being authentic, you know, you know, cuz I had to fake it in interviews being like, I fucking love recruiting. Yeah. Even though like, you know,

Speaker 1

51:26

some people do, but whatever. Anyway, so. And that calls risks, right risks, leaving a full time job to be like, I'm just gonna try and start this online thing, and leaving, you know, consistent paychecks and all that type of stuff, you know, things like that, this risks and, but when you feel like, I'm very privileged that I was able to do that, because I had a high paying job, I had savings and all that type of stuff. But, you know, sometimes it's really annoying that you you, you kind of concede that there's something better out there. And not saying it's bad to be in recruitment, like some people will love that. And some people are really great. And it's a really important job, and important part of our organization. And you're changing people's lives by giving them jobs, and all that type of stuff. But I knew that it wasn't for me, right? I wish I wish an employee. Right. Okay, next, feeling like you need to educate people. So it's really hard to stand by sometimes. And hear people say things that aren't true or bigoted and let it float by. And so it's kind of this like, this thing that goes on in my head of shall I be someone who is, is educating them when they maybe don't want educating? Or shall I just let bigotry flow on by so either way, you know, it's like, maybe I'm being I'm being a bit of a dick. Either way, like, letting someone say, bigoted stuff, or speaking up and educating them, when they're like, fuck off. I don't care about what you've got to say. You know, they probably don't say that they're probably just like, When was she talking about? And so it's kind of it's like a hard quandary of, of either Joyce, Joyce, you don't necessarily feel great about it. And then on the other side, sometimes some people expect you to educate them, just because you're this is your job. And so it means that you're open to educating people and hearing their bigoted opinions, and telling them how that they're, how they're wrong, and all that type of stuff for free, immediately. And without any kind of like, oh, I appreciate it or anything like that. They're just like, I have this problem, tell me how to fix it. And then everything, they never respond to everything. So yeah, sometimes you don't have the spoons to be able to do it. And sometimes people are rude about it. And you're so next, seeing a bullshit everywhere fatphobia and diet culture. And so you don't necessarily have to be confident to be experiencing this, but you need to be understanding culture and fatphobia and it's like the film The Matrix, right? Do you stay unaware and numb and somewhat happy? Or do you disrupt your whole life and be mad? Allow the time when you see dichotomy fatphobia everywhere? Like Yeah, is this a hard decision? And I don't think either one is wrong, or right or whatever. And so, what I want you to start seeing is just like awful fucksakes Why is this fucking every stock on everywhere and it doesn't get better like, now, you know, I've been doing this for years. I still see things and you know, you Yeah, I'm numb to a lot of things, but then I'll see another thing. And I'm like, well, for fucksakes, you know, in it, I'll still get another like, Oh, why so annoying? Yes. Okay, next. This is my experience of mine. But a lot of people will experiences of you ever expected to do the confident things in your friends group or in you know, your family or whatever. And so I don't experience this because I don't have any friends. So I'm lucky that way joking, I do have a couple of friends. But I just happen to hang around with people who are generally quite confident or, you know, this isn't isn't a struggle for them. But others I know, have told me that it can be quite frustrating that in their life, because they are more confident that they're going to be the one who has to ring for the pizza, or they're going to be the one who has to complain, or they're going to have them wanting to phone for some something or ask for something and things like that. And so that can be frustrating for some people. And the final one is it doesn't actually stop discrimination. No matter how much you like your body, no matter how confident you are, or how have self esteem. It doesn't stop the world from being fat phobic. I wish I wish it was was like that.

Speaker 1

56:23

I wish as soon as I became confident fat phobia ended, but I actually I feel like I experienced more fat phobia. It's increased, because now I'm more publicly facing and talking about this stuff. And so actually, the levels of discrimination I experience now have increased, but here's the difference. I'm now more equipped to be able to, to interpret it and make it about society versus about me. Whereas before when I experienced that phobia, I'd like Well, yeah, because I'm fat. Yeah, you know, it's because I'm fat. And but, but now I'm like, Oh, just because the site is fucked up. So, yeah. So let me just go through them. As a reminder, dating is harder boundaries, having to set them relationships and more exposure to trolls. feeling a feeling of fraud when you're having a bad body day and feeling that you can't be as authentic. Having high expectations in life. And not settling means that you're exposed to increased risks. feeling like you need to educate people seeing fat fiber and diet culture everywhere. being expected to do the confident things in your friend group. And it doesn't actually stop discrimination. So how many are there 1-234-567-8910 around a number. So So Governor these things like is it worth it to work on your confidence? Fuck yes, it is. Do all the little annoying things and big annoying things out way the metric ton of shit you're dealing with when you hate yourself? It 100% outweighs that metric ton of shit that you're experiencing when you hate yourself. It is so worth it. Like these things. You know, this episode is me complaining who my wife is? Sure. feel sorry for me. We're gonna have to do all these things. But it's like, this is like 1% compared to being believing that you're not good. You know? Dating is harder. But do I want to end up with some Bozo the Clown? No. And so dating is harder, but it means that I get to be with someone who is going to be the right fit for me eventually when I meet someone originally. Like boundaries, like do I want to be fake in my relationships and not speak my truth? No. relationships end. But do I want to spend time or emotional energy with people who are not good for my mental health? No. Being exposed to trolls more. But do I want to sit on the sidelines and hide? No. I'm feeling the fraud when having a bad body day. But do I want to do I want to have having a bad body day to be an infrequent occurrence. Yes. Having higher expectations, but do I want to learn how to be resilient and get the things I know that I deserve in life? Yes. feeling like you need to educate people. But do I want to be a force of good in the world? Yes, seeing bullshit everywhere. But do I want to comprehend the ways that we are being brainwashed into thinking thin, white, young, able bodied folks are the epitome of beauty? Yes. And finally, it doesn't stop discrimination. But do I want to be on the side of the bigots? Do I want to agree with them? Do I want to have? Or do I want to have a weapon against them? Winning, they're discriminating activities all the time, that weapon being, I don't agree with you that I'm a piece of shit because I'm fat. I don't want to agree with bigots. So them the things, they are the things so the ways the downsides of loving your body first one, dating is harder, it's harder when you've got higher standards. It's just harder, because you're not just going to accept any Bozo the Clown that gets up in your DMS boundaries, you feel compelled to set boundaries, and that is difficult, sometimes relationships will end you, you just don't want to be spending time with people who don't make you feel good. And that's sad that relationships end but sometimes a way that is going to be being more exposed to trolls.

Speaker 1

01:01:35

That just sucks being exposed to trolls and, and also there are ways that we can protect our mental health, if that happens. Feeling of fraud when having a bad body day. And that that too is something that feeling of fraud, we shouldn't need to feel like a fraud if we have a bad body day because it's called having human brain and, and being exposed to a society that's fat phobic, that is diet culture. So it's pretty normal. And so being authentic about that, I think is really important. Having higher expectations in life in general, meaning that you probably take more risks. And risks are obviously risky. But with that you learn to be more resilient, which is I love a bit of resilience, me feeling like you need to educate people. Well, the reality is, you know, if you if you've got the ability to and you have the emotional energy to then It's wonderful if you can, and if it's the right place, and if it's safe and all that type of stuff, but really, as a fat person, it's not your your job to educate people when they're being a fat phobic turd, right? Seeing the bullshit and fat fiber and die culture everywhere. I mean, it's everywhere. Like do I want to be comfortably numb? Or do I want to use that anger to be inspired to do this work even more? Yeah. And also protect your mental health when you can? Because yeah, makes me angry. being expected to do all the confident things confident things quote, unquote, in your friends group, but is it nice to be able to do that? I'd say yes. Nice like that. It's not a big deal that you're the one that calls for the pizza. And you're helping out your friends and you know, sometimes encouraging them if they want to try doing things which are a little bit challenging for them if they want, you know, you can just not and finally, it doesn't actually just stop discrimination doesn't stop discrimination. I wish but I really do feel like even though being more confident in your body doesn't stop discrimination. I really do feel like it makes you way more equipped to deal with it when you don't agree with the biggest when you're not like you're I am a lazy piece of shit but be nice to me. But if you're you know instead if you're like No listen appear that's not okay to treat me like that. You're more equipped to handle that versus if you deep down believe that? Yeah, it's okay to discriminate against me because I'm the bad things that you're telling me. Okay, well, I hope you enjoyed hanging out with me today. The sun is shining through the window. I feel good. I'm gonna go grab some lunch. What am I gonna have a sandwich I don't know. Whatever. And now I hope you have a lovely thigh. Link to the show notes below. Lo or you can go to facebook.com 079 for 79 or you can always just go first party.com forward slash podcast. Thanks for hanging out with me and I will see you later Cracow dial

Speaker 1

01:05:18

thanks for listening to the episode and if you feel ready to get serious about this work and want to know when the doors open to fears fattier Academy which is my signature program where I teach all about how to overcome your fat phobic beliefs and learn to love your fat body, then go to first fatty.com forward slash waitlist again that is phase fatty.com. Forward slash waitlist to get your name on the waitlist. For when first fatty Academy my signature program opens

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