the one of endings, because it's time to finally let go of Christine, the teacher who helped me heal from codependency with my ex husband, told me to make me co dependent on her.
Okay? She didn't make me. I went along willingly, I suppose, but I was very vulnerable. They didn't really have a choice,
but I suppose neither of us did. So
I have my own tools now, and some of them I learned from her, and
we can say yes, thank you. Thank you for the medicine. We can still use the things that worked. We can still say there's some of it that we bring with us, even as we know
that she's not healthy, even as we now embark
upon this port
cutting ceremony
to finally set ourselves free.
I have the sheepskin that I bought from her right here on my lap, and it doesn't mean I have to even get rid of it doesn't mean I have to deny any of the medicine that worked for me. Doesn't mean I have to stop doing Kundalini. Lee,
I can say yes, thank you. Thank you for the medicine. The medicine works until it doesn't. It got me where I needed it to, and I can still use the techniques and practices, and they don't have to. Well, the computer screen just woke up
on its own. That was weird.
They don't have to. Mean
that I remain attached to her,
and I can feel her. I think that's why the computer woke up, because I can feel her. I can see her. Shadow side is here, and it doesn't want to let go.
And mine is scared, but it's ready.
I see myself a Wraith like creature once now becoming stronger, gaining more and more definition by the second what was once an outline being filled in
that ghostly girl wandering around. The things work until they don't, and you use them until they don't work anymore. And it doesn't even have to mean you discard them. It just means, you know, there they become a tool in your arsenal, and you know when to pull them out for the best effect. Holly, the woman, was a tool that worked until it didn't. Sometimes we do retire that shit, and that's one that's done now. But it doesn't mean that all my femininity is gone, and that doesn't mean that some days I don't want to be more femme presenting. It just means that it's not who I am anymore. So as the trans persona begins, as the era of the mind ends, we come into the year of communication and sharing. It's time to bring things back to the village. It's time to truly be poly. Because trans emergence means that there's always more than two things. Trans emergence means going beyond the concept of binaries and duality. Trans emergence means being truly poly. It's not spiritual or material, it's both, and it's not lose it all or stay in isolation. It's not be a mystic or an artist, an esthetic or an alcoholic,
a hermit and a nomad,
or running around 24/7,
you can be in community without
drowning, with drawing when you need
alone time. Solo calling just means preserving your sanctity while staying in community. It's not even Ireland or Germany. I mean, this weekend is bridges fest with the Irish embassy in Berlin. And by just opening to that transness at the festival of amanitas, Guardian goddess, what could open up a whole world. And by getting rid of the shoes that literally have hobbled me because I relied on mom's money again, instead of just taking the time to find shoes that fit and using my own money to buy them. Now my legs hurt, and that's not to punish myself. It's just a cause and effect, and now I have to do something else to remedy it. And so I light frankincense off my Black Candle, the Black Candle of endings and cord, cuttings and transitions on a ball transcendence, beginning. And I light the frankincense, the essence of focus meditation, the essence of Christ, consciousness of knowing that we are divine, and we can use our tools and our guardians and our guides, and we can use intermediaries, but remember that they're all magic feathers, just pointing us back to our own awareness, self reliance, radical self reliance, the principles of Burning Man are really relevant here. We can be radically self reliant, and that doesn't mean we completely forego human interaction. That doesn't mean we sacrifice the community. We can be radically self reliant amongst other people. We have to be, otherwise we're dependent. Alone Together is actually an empowering framework. Alone together, because we all have agency to change our own lives and master our own consciousness, and I don't have to hide my conscious state from people because it's none of their fucking business to begin with. What my conscious experiences is my business, and as long as I'm not hurting anyone else with what I'm doing like I'm not asking them what's in their medicine cabinet. I didn't ask them what they took before they walked out of their kitchen. I'm not asking them what was in their cup. It's all just sand anyways, magic feathers, because we feel like we can't do it ourselves. We can alone together, radically self reliant, radically inclusive. This is how we do shit. So I need to find a grant to apply to to fund the time of Burning Man, because this is an experiment in trans emergence in a new way of living. Because I will document the way we build something from nothing and create a world that lasts for just one week and then make it all disappear again. What's more trans than that?
I will manifest this grant opportunity, and I will fill out the application, and if I ask mom for anything now it's just help doing this shit, because that's okay. That's okay to ask for help with the tasks that are hard, but it's not okay to just ask her to bail me out anymore. And that ends now, well, okay, whatever. Sometimes I'll take money for her, but we're ending now, the era where I just rely on her to save me, where I rely on anyone to save me, and we are cutting the cord. Finally, five years later, from Christine and with this Cup of Cake, how I drink to my own christing? Oh, wait, I didn't pour it out for the ancestors here
to the people
of Mexico and Guatemala, who have kept the traditions alive for generations, to get to the Guardians. Thank
you for the medicine. Now I drink to my own Christine. You
Christ consciousness awakens and trans emergence.
Let's clear this mucus. I always wake up with mucus when I'm about to clear some shit. So yes, thank you for The quote, unquote sickness. I
it. No more empty calories, no more fake shit, no more compromises.
If I need something, I'll just go for it, and it's not a mistake, if you learn from it,
we can admit that we wish we'd done something different without it becoming regret and the attachment that comes with that, I think that's the key.
So we just learn from it and we do it differently next time. It's just that simple. So
radical Self Reliance, frickin Burning Man principle I
now the scary part is coming that's also the most awesome one. I'm gonna cut the cord with Christine once and for all, because it's still there, I can see a little it's just a tiny filament, like a little wisp of a spider web,
but it's still there connecting us, and it's still there connecting me and Steven, and it's still there connecting me and Mark. And you know what, I think Mom and I actually cut it pretty well. So that's a big fucking achievement, but the money's the last one. So I'm going to cut that. I will cut that too, and then I'll cut it by telling her I'm not going to do that shit anymore. I'm
it's time for self empowerment as the Transfer Center begins. This is a motherfucking remix. I
I'm powered by my cup of cacao, and today I made the good shit, the nice kind that I saved for special occasions where you only need a little bit. I
a gritty just a little water,
no seasonings. I only put cayenne in today because my nose is stuffed up
like espresso used to taste when I drank it.
The real stuff concentrated.
No fillers,
no emulsifiers, no sugars. You
just the pure plant essence helping restore me to presence
with just a whisper, and then he took her
calling on her spirit big time.
So of course, this weekend, that's about breaking the paradigm you involves bridge infest, celebrating Amanita, Guardian goddess, celebrating looking at a cow statue that's above me right now, because nothing's real
and everything is cathor. Cathode
Kali,
the mother that will kill her children, if that's what's required in order to save them. But luckily, it doesn't have to come to that now, because I am awakening, because I am empowered, because this kid knows how to do stuff for themselves now, because I'm growing up
and I'm moving forward,
and it still feels so hard to cut the cord, but I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. Okay, here we go. And I'm seeing in my mind from Disney's Hercules movie, when the three fates are unfurling someone's destiny with their golden thread. Those giant, menacing scissors I remember scared me as a kid. Now I know why,
because
cutting ties
felt like the Death back then. But now we have learned to transcend.
So I take a pair of literal scissors.
They imagine a metaphorical cord, but
maybe I should have a real one. Don't really
have one. Don't really want to go get up and get
one. Frankincense for Christ consciousness, creosote from the desert for centeredness. I
chill kwaga for cutting through the mucus. Golden root
from the Nawa,
my new Kundalini teacher. He teaches me radical self empowerment, cutting cords, breaking ties. I see before my eyes the golden thread. I see Christine's shadow, with eyes glowing red. I see myself in a nightgown, looking like a ghost, but filling in now, getting bolder, bigger, more defined by the second. Thank you for the medicine. I am truly grateful, and you were right about a lot of things, and you helped me save my life. And there was a time when I needed you to survive, and that's real, and I can acknowledge that, and also say, now I don't need it. And also say you abused the situation and took advantage of the fact that I just became a cash machine for your half attention, and that wasn't right, and I deserved to be treated better, and I deserved not to be dumped when I was going through this huge realization about my gender and Lance deserved not to be dumped when he was going through one of the hardest periods of their life, Janet dying, in me, leaving. We deserved better than he treated us. And that also doesn't mean that I have to hold on to resentment and blame, because we're all just people, and we're all just trying to figure it out. And I know you weren't trying to be malicious. You thought you were protecting your time and acknowledging your value, and I acknowledge that, and that's good, and I need more of that. Thank you for the medicine. It really helped me then. Now I don't need it anymore. Now I cut the cord.
Now I hold up the thread of life
by cutting this one. I open true empowerment and freedom for myself, thank you for the medicine. Goodbye now you
I feel like I want to cut something real. Cut this pine, this pine, please.
But that the cord is cut.
I now close the storyline of Me and Christine. I now close the storyline where I gave my power away
to the guru,
and I now call in my own Christ consciousness. And I now call in radical self reliance, kind of like cutting the pine needle. Now I'm going to cut another pine needle. On this one, it's a double. I'm cutting the cord with me and these partners that I thought I needed to save me, Jeff feels pretty well resolved. I'm cutting the cord with Steven and mark, and they are kind of interrelated. Thank you for the medicine you gave me lots of things and helped me learn about myself, but I don't need you anymore. I can do it on my own. I cut the cord. I end the story. No more. I one more needle I cut the cord. Of the story that mom owes me, and that's honestly what's going on is me taking her money, because when I was growing up, she didn't give me any of the things that would have really empowered me. She didn't have any money to give me,
and we both know that we've been overly dependent, but we've been keeping this last third going. The way she can really help me now is by helping me with grant applications. So I need to identify those and then ask for specific things that I need help with, that needs to be the nature of things. And sure, sometimes maybe there will be investments that I can ask for, but this thing of me saying, basically the new year to buy everything for me, like, fuck that shit. I'm a fucking grown up. I'm 40. I don't need that. I call in my own funding, radical fucking self reliance, which also doesn't mean all by myself. I just call in the community. Now, I call in the village. I call in the poly. It's not supposed to be one thing from anybody, including yourself. So I cut this cord with mom, and I'm going to get myself different shoes, maybe not today, but this week, but I'm not going to wear those other ones anymore. Now I have to take steps to fix my foot because it's fucked up.
I cut the cords. Yeah,
and I feel a little cold and I feel goosebumps. I thought that would feel really big and dramatic, and it doesn't. Maybe that actually means that it works this time, because it wasn't just a pageantry, it's really just cleaning up.
But I feel a peace washing over me. I feel a levity, already, a lightness of being my knees hurting, that's actually a good sign, and seeing it, it means it's leaving. That's the thing Christine used to say. And like, I don't mind still repeating her mantras. She had a lot of wisdom. Just not get it twisted. You don't need that shit. Do. Shit.
