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Sylvia Haskvitz | Otter.ai

Sylvia Haskvitz

Edwin Rutsch15min

Cara Wilson

00:00

It is my delight to bring up Sylvia. Sylvia M, a, r, d, N, trainer, facilitator, assessor and author, has been sharing nonviolent communication worldwide since 1989 and was a student of Marshall Rosenberg and founder, the founder of the non violent communication today, Sylvia is going to speak on empathetic listening in an empathy circle, a profound process of healing and connection. Take it away, Sylvia,

Speaker 1

00:33

thank you, Kira. And yeah, thank you, Edwin. I I've known you for quite a while, and I think you were interviewed me many, many years ago, and it's exciting to see what's what's changed and how this movement has grown. So very happy to be included here. I was a student, as Kara said, with Marshall Rosenberg and my colleague, tovainstrand, is also here, and we're going to just give you a little demonstration of empathic listening, according to the Rosenberg work of nonviolent communication. Before I do that, I want to share a screen really quick, and I want to share kind of what empathy isn't, because I think what we've been talking about today is pretty much in alignment with what we're saying. So just to take a quick look at this slide, what empathy is not. Don't just do something, be there. So so often when we listen, we listen to fix or we listen to respond. It wasn't your fault. We we respond with, I think you should have you can learn something if you only did. How did this happen to you? You should hear what happened. Don't worry about it, you. Poor thing. I feel terrible for you. These are all sort of the responses that we find are not empathic responses. They're responses often that brings the attention back to me, rather than staying present with who's speaking, sometimes we just get into jumping on their own wagon of blame. So he did that to you. What a jerk we could get into. Or if you hadn't been so rude, if you really cared, you would have sorry. It's my fault. I'm so stupid. So those are the ways that we can start blaming ourselves or blaming the other person, but actually not really listening in the way that we're talking about here. So I'm going to I'm going to ask Tova to play with me a bit. She's going to give us a situation that might be stirred in her, that she might want some empathy for some of you are familiar with nonviolent communication, so you know about my my tools, my puppets, but what I'm going to do is I'm going to listen with my giraffe ears on, which means I'm going to really focus in on feelings and needs that she might be expressing. So welcome Tova. Thank you for joining me. Thank

Speaker 2

02:48

you, Silvia, thank you. Yes, I have chosen a fairly simple example that hopefully demonstrates how NVC works in a situation like I'm going to describe. This is me and my neighbor friend, and we have been to the movies, and we have used my car because she doesn't have anyone anymore, and we are just parking outside the house where we both live, and stepping out of the car and kind of reflecting on the evening. And then it comes up for me that, oh, you know, I wonder, How long am I going to keep my car? It's really getting more and more expensive, and I don't use it that much anymore. And, yeah, it's really, it's really getting too expensive, so I'm seriously considering, do I need it anymore? Shall I get Shall I sell it? Yeah, yeah. It's just a reflection that I'm doing right out into the open.

Speaker 1

03:58

Yeah, yeah. So I'm hearing there might be some confusion. Wanting to get some clarity on what to do around the car.

Speaker 2

04:09

I'm realizing I'm not using it as much as I used just a couple of years ago and and it's mainly the expenses, really, and I'm not I'm not young anymore. I mean, it's tough out there to be driving, and I can notice that I'm not reacting as quickly as I used to do, and I get worried sometimes.

Speaker 1

04:32

So the worry about maybe safety, and wondering about the finances, so really wanting to preserve maybe your resources for things that you'd rather be spending money on

Speaker 2

04:42

Yes, yes, that's right. And let me interrupt here for a moment, because what my friend did in this situation was kind of taking a deep breath looking at me and said, she said, oh, you should really keep your car. As long as you can. You know, it's wonderful to have a car. I'm missing my car every day, so just keep it as long as you can. So that was the way that she met me, and I just felt how I inside myself, kind of looked down. I lost connection with myself. I was in a process of sharing something that is going on for me, and instead of being with me, she just told me her opinion and gave me this advice about how I should do.

Speaker 1

05:37

Yeah. So some irritation, maybe some annoyance, really wanting just to be heard without being fixed or given. So

Speaker 2

05:45

exactly, I was not asking for advice. I want to make be in my own process. I will, I will refigure this out. But it doesn't help to get somebody who's almost jumping on me and telling me what to do and not to do. Yeah,

Speaker 1

06:02

so sounds like you might be concerned in wanting some autonomy, wanting a sense that you can choose you don't need support in that way.

Speaker 2

06:11

I'm a grown up person and my car for so many years, and I know exactly how much it costs, and I can check my finances and see, does it make sense to me or keep it or not, but I am in this process, and I want to be in this process.

Speaker 1

06:29

Yeah, you want to honor your process. It's kind of annoying to have somebody think that they know what's right for you.

Speaker 2

06:35

Yeah, I'm not interested in her process. I'm interested in my process.

Speaker 1

06:41

Yeah, you're interested in your own process, really wanting to respect your own process,

Speaker 2

06:49

nothing else at this moment, nothing else. Yeah,

Speaker 1

06:53

yeah. And I'm hearing too that this might be a pattern with this person, I'm guessing. So there's also some frustration that you're often not heard the way that you'd

Speaker 2

07:02

like. Well, it has happens again and again. When I share something that is alive for me, I get this advice about how to do certain things about my relationships or my my own businesses. Yes, yeah, yes, it's very annoying. Yeah.

Speaker 1

07:24

So the annoyance is pretty standard, pretty regular, and some tired of it, maybe wanting some relief from that, and wishing she was able to listen in a different

Unknown Speaker

07:34

way. Well, in fact, I would like to, I would like to find a way to

Speaker 2

07:42

to to share and receive with her so that she could receive it. That would be something that I guess would be valuable for both of us,

Speaker 1

07:53

have a shared conversation, a shared understanding of maybe a different way to talk that would really be nurturing for both of you. Yeah,

Speaker 2

08:00

yeah. Yeah. I think that would shift the relationship. In fact, would be more fun to be together, do things together,

Speaker 1

08:10

yeah, support more more fun, more desire, even to spend time together, is what I'm hearing too. Yeah, absolutely, more relaxed, yeah, yeah, more relaxed. And maybe just some relief, trying not, not having to brace yourself when you talk to her to know that is she going to respond in a way that I'm connected to, or am I going to lose myself in the connection?

Speaker 2

08:37

Yeah. And, you know, I have so many and in the city contacts around me. So each time this happens, it's almost like a shock when I am getting this kind of almost brutal response, when I'm used to being met with some maybe silence or understanding or just quiet, quietness and some support in being more clear about my process, yeah,

Speaker 1

09:09

yeah. So a little a little shocking to hear kind of the response, especially since many of your people in your community that you connect with have a really different way of hearing each other, more with

Speaker 2

09:20

empathy, exactly, I wish everybody could do this. Okay? I think I'm full.

Speaker 1

09:31

So just kind of unraveling what we did here, and the reason I'm wearing my giraffe ears because Marshall Rosenberg used these little toys, and the giraffe has one of the largest hearts of any land animal. For those of you not familiar, so we use the giraffe ears to connect. So if you noticed what I what I attempted to do anyway, was just to connect with their possible feelings and needs. And that's the empathic process we use in nonviolent communication, just reflecting. And then sometimes, when we get into it, and we've been. Skilled, we often do some what we call street giraffe, which is maybe not so much just the feelings and needs, but getting the flavor. So it's a little different than reflective listening, which I've heard some people talk about today. For me, it's getting more to the depth. And I think it was somebody else that mentioned, one of the speakers earlier, how somebody goes on and on. And what I find with empathic listening, in this way, just offering presence that we often can get to the core, to support the person being heard, to sort of unpeel their own onion, to get to their own core truth. And there's some calm, there's some relief, like that beat that Daniel was talking about, we get to some some shared connection just by that interchange. Anything else you want to say about how it was for you Tova,

Speaker 2

10:48

well, it's always astonishing, even in a role play, how much alive it becomes, and how when I am received, I'm heard. I find new layers in myself or my own truth about what is really going on, and it brings some calmness to me. So I can easier when I find myself in a similar situation, I can easily get access to my own ability to say my own truth or to stay with the other person, because the connection is much more alive.

Speaker 1

11:33

So just the unraveling sounds like just by doing that process helps you get more clarity and more calm, more peace, more maybe connection to yourself?

Speaker 2

11:44

Yeah, absolutely. And then I can also solve my own problems much easier. And I can also ask for advice. If I come to a certain point, then I can say, Okay, now how did you think about it when you gave up your car, then I'm ready to receive the other person,

Speaker 1

12:04

yeah, once you've already unraveled your own process and gotten good Exactly, yeah. And that's really what I find happens often. You know, when we're given enough empathic presence, then we can come to our own best solutions, rather than the fix it jackal, which I've been often accused of, and that's the the Jackal is sort of the one that wants to blame and shame and criticize him, criticizing nonviolent communication. So those are those ears that I could also choose to wear. Well, thanks Tova. I appreciate your appreciate your offering, and I think I want to share one more slide with you. These are some of the processes, the actual listening with empathy process. So it basically starts with when you and we could, we could leave that out as well, or we could just start to tune into feelings and needs, and then we ask what the request might be what we're imagining they might be wanting,

Unknown Speaker

13:03

and that has nothing do. We don't see your screen.

Speaker 1

13:06

You don't see my screen. Okay, thank you, yeah,

Unknown Speaker

13:11

because I want to see what this is. Yeah, thank you. Oh, here we go, yeah.

Speaker 1

13:20

So listen for the meaning the heart of the message. What's behind the pain or celebration? It's a sensing. I would say the guessing process is, to me, not as alive, because sometimes when we guess, we're trying to get it right, as opposed to just being present with another person's humanity. So we're just stating what it is they said if we do or we just do a shortcut and just tune into the feelings and needs, and then we might also put out what we imagine they might be wanting, what might their request might be in that situation. Okay, well, thank you so much for joining me. Tova, it was fun to play together.

Unknown Speaker

14:03

Yes, always fun.

Cara Wilson

14:06

Sylvia, thank you so much. We have a question in the comments, can this same strategy be used to find causes for community issues?

Speaker 1

14:15

Absolutely. So I've done this work in many, many different contexts, and can I have a community mediation that's coming up with a particular issue in the community in Tucson where I live, that's coming up the end of this month. So absolutely, I've worked with Arabs and Jews in conflict, like really high level, difficult stuff. So it can be used, as far as I've understood, it can be used anywhere. I've worked in business and schools and prisons.

Cara Wilson

14:43

Yeah, thank you again. This was amazing, non violent communication, NVC and empathy circles. I learned today that giraffe has the largest heart of any land animals. That's fantastic information that is now lodged in my brain. And thank you for my. Modeling so that we could see the experience and understand the impact of nonviolent communications, feelings and needs in that empathetic reflection of empathy circles, stacking those tools to get new depths of each experience powerful. Thank you so much. Thank you.

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