Still in love with Judas, baby, The way out is through Ireland, the side door that swings both ways to the masculine and feminine.
Today is to cut the net
that you can get tangled in.
But remember that whatever you're resisting becomes the stuff you're stuck in, resisting the binary
means, of course, the way out is through it, which means, of course, embodying more
of each gender. You can't transcend without including, but I was trying to leave both parts behind. That's exactly what I was doing. I was trying to transcend without including. I was trying to bypass. I was trying to go straight to the oneness without going into the separateness. I went into the feminine, real hard, but I can't just jump to transcendence without also going through the masculine. And that's actually more uncomfortable, because they're the ones who oppress me. They're the ones who've enslaved humanity. They're the fucking enemy. I'm gonna become a cis white guy,
if I am Bob Regan, this whole journey of spiritual awakening with the medicine, the one that is directly tied to the one that began well, it began in 2019 but launched in 2021
on its maiden voyage.
This the one that started with me trying to do distress tests at our final GCE event. I mean, the symbolism is like insane where I said we were supposed to be testing something that I knew wasn't true, and I said I am Bob Regan. And it said, Yes,
and I freaked out, and
that was talking to the guy who set me off on my Ayahuasca journey, who came about through a series of synchronicities as the cheese event and whiskey the thing tying me to
my
quote, unquote, fake paternity
as that dissolved,
as I told the guy that actually I'd rather just sit with mushrooms now, but I set out on the Magical Mystery Tour, following
beer and Wine
as I look at the fake wake card, where a bird is surrounded by a wreath of cigarettes, and the fake wake posted on my birthday was at the wine salon. Oh my god, and it's perched on a sandwich. Everyone telling me to eat a sandwich, that source of shame. Maybe that's why I binged out on bread yesterday.
So if you're always your worst fear, and I am Bob Regan. His worst fear was becoming a gay man. Was being a gay man
and getting stuck
in that small town where he was no one. So of course, I have to go to the little island where I'm afraid I'll disappear, and there won't be any opportunities to be somebody where I'm afraid of everyone thinking in binaries,
where I'm going to have to do a lot of emotional labor just to exist there. But no one said being a bodhisattva was easy. I
and the scapegoat of humanity is a gay man, because everything I started channeling when I was in the womb was a truth embedded in the collective consciousness, and I got Jesus and Judas as gay lovers. So there you go. And Judas is trans.
Today is two and the net. But Jodorowsky says the two doesn't actually mean the lovers plural and esotericism, it's singular. And discovering the love for yourself, the weight of the oneness is through the GUI center. So when I asked you needed to be seen, what counter will kid hijacked the machine yesterday, and what overly permissive parent let it a whole other part playing out inside me, not just the counter Will kid, but the parent who keeps giving in
my family legacy does include obsessive compulsiveness and focusing too much on any one thing gets overwhelming that that's my religious fear kicking in as part of this mom's legacy passed down to me. I'll make a cult out of anything. I've been so ready in the past to give all my power away. Oh yeah, baby, existentially, Pinky, have your way with my soul and psyche.
So what's the remix?
If it's Wrenboi, he's the cult leader, maybe the one who rises from the grave to lure you her away for to lure you away from your family in your religion and corrupt your children and everyone I yet
he's
authentic. It's not a con. It's real magic. But maybe he takes it too far, or maybe the problem isn't him at all. Maybe it's what society puts upon his shoulders, what they need him to be, because they feel wanting the scapegoat of humanity. Maybe Wrenboi is the Judas
in the Jesus and the Mary Magdalene, the call and response.
When I asked who needed to be seen, interestingly, everything today was in Spanish. The universe was responding through the music in that language, when I asked who needed to be seen, the song came on that said, I am the serpent, and I'd already woken up today feeling like it was three common already tomorrow's energy. But time isn't linear. So was I just living in the future or trying to bypass the net because I don't like it. It's both. I need to remember that I'm a con and not a victim, that I'm a serpent, not a victim. I have had these memories of what my body went through with Mark resurfacing recently. And I think that's part of the sickness upgrade he played upon, that part of me that takes things too far, the REN boy side, the one that can't stop, or so they say, once he lets himself feel something that's what grand boy reclaims Lay it on me all your shame. It was Mark's own inability to stop that he had to put onto me. And it's the same with humanity. The scape goat, the Judas, the cloven hooved one, the demon that's actually your diamond, the one that only awakens what's latent. But then you blame them for the things you don't want to see,
the fact that I'm trans made my partners realize on some subconscious level, they were gay for a man, which was really destabilizing for everyone. Only none of us was actually aware of what was happening. So it became a shadow that just kept growing and growing dramatically, reenacting some old, boring scapegoat storyline, I fell into the part of Eve, the curse of the serpent, instead of claiming my trans shamanism,
because I didn't Have the lineage.
When I wrote that in my journal, a voice started screaming, you're a liar. You're avoiding the truth. But spirit doesn't speak in that voice, so that must be a part. Embracing masculinity is super scary, because then I'm becoming the enemy those who have hurt me and enslaved humanity. I don't want to be the bad guy,
but I'm the bad guy.
Billy Eilish is a prophet, and I have to be the bad guy to graduate. The reality is that you can't avoid being anyone in the cast of characters, especially not the villain. But that means you can't just be Eve. You also have to be Adam. And of course, fucking Slauson, the man I was living with, who was all about vulnerability, he called himself the vulnerability guy, and he was named Adam, but I thought that he was insincere, so I spent the whole time hiding from him. And then when I left, I wondered what the point was of me being there, because I didn't even interact with them. And then I realized that was it today. I realized that I knew it would become clear later. Of course, the hiding was the lesson. I didn't want to be Adam, I didn't want to be a man, I didn't want to be vulnerable, I didn't want to be a faker. I didn't want to be the oppressor. And today, my learning is all coming together, and it's happening in Spanish, because words do create different realities, and you have to learn them to really understand the place you're in. So something in me is not wanting to understand Germany, because I am experiencing so much resistance to this language, but really it's the language of the most rationalist and the most oppressor And the most CIS het privileged white guy, the one that literally tried to murder everyone else. It's the land of the genocide heir. Interestingly, that mom started a non profit for Rwanda, reconciling victims and perpetrators. Here I am in the land of the original one, and I don't want to enter into their reality,
which probably means I need to, because the only way out is through.
I at the same time. I don't know. Maybe there are certain reality tunnels that we just don't need to go down again. Maybe there's something natural in this resistance. Maybe I don't want to be part of the system, and that's okay.
I don't know, we'll have to feel into that.
It's entirely possible that I have to go down this whole other reality tunnel of it's just as likely that I had to come to Germany to realize that I needed to go to Ireland, to live as it is to go to Germany, to realize that I needed to go to Ireland to realize that I needed to stay in Germany. So I'm open to everything, because life is funny. The next song came on, because this is how it goes, the remix, the mix tape. And this should be something for the performance. Well, a performance, at least it's a mix tape. The next trap comes on Escondido into interior, going into the Irish lineage, is going to show me how I am, what I love, but also what I fear, hearing the drunken Irish slurs of my Irish male friends on voice notes have triggered this. I'll have to confront the small island mindedness, the little town I want to escape from, ignorant villagers I want to hide from mean Escondido California was this and the CO Paul lit up when I wrote when I thought that it's the same with Eric trapped in Florida. Huh? Germany or Florida? That's so funny that love it or leave it. Game He always plays is Germany or Florida? Which one is the most backwards and bizarre. He just tells you the story, he reads you the news headline, and the audience has to guess whether it's Germany or Florida, and Eric's in one and I'm in the other. That's so funny. That's Bodhisattva Venez. You have to go into the darkness. That's what it takes of these places to change things. You have to go into the darkness of these realities. We have to be the gay men and trans people in the dark places. Brandon Tina getting murdered in the small towns. It's Jesus, trust Escondido and the mushroom downloads that was you being broken open. But remember, don't trust what you received there, because it was Michaela's house, or California, or the moon was just the right placement, or you drew the right card at the right time, or you prepared your cow a certain way. That's morning. That's OCD. That's cult mentality, that's magical thinking, that stage purple, when we're in tier two, baby. Ding, ding, ding. That's why Austin and I didn't talk yesterday, because and that's why I had to integrate what Kaz was saying to me and process and let everything play out inside me that is the language of transformation today and honestly in this lifetime, the language of transformation for me seems to be Spanish. And of course, Transubstantiation is about language. Change your language, change your reality. And I think I do need to learn Irish to actually know who I am in this body, to restore my people's legacy. There's a reason I broke open at Michaela's because she's the one who told me about the black Irish connection through Jamaican accents. The Caribbean people learning English from the Irish her saying we are related, we created a shared reality of language. And today, the AI is part of this, and this is why I need to just invest in a different chat bot, because otter is only processing my own reality. So I'm gonna get caught in my own tunnel if I don't bring in another perspective. We need the collective. So the King's Quest, the trip to become an Irish man again, a dear shaman, my fucking dad, a gay man in a small town, a trans man getting murdered on a fence post, the image of the Scarecrow with its guts ripped open in the desert.
Of course, the Ayahuasca journey began the journey of the cactus that crosses a lot like a cactus. The earth is the center of the axis. We're here once, but it's just for practice and smelling the incense from the queer story, and it's not even burning. That's cool shit. Keep coming back. Keep coming back. Keep keep coming back. Across is a lot like a cactus. The Earth's under the axis. We're here once, but it's just practice. You gotta keep coming back. Ash said in the desert when I wanted to run my recorder not to write everything down, because you'll remember what you're meant to I always feel like I forget the songs for the musical because they only seem to come and the tape isn't running, so I gotta trust that they'll keep coming back. If they're meant to be shared with somebody,
just like a person, just like a part of self, just like any relationship, set it free, and if it comes back, it was meant to be.
The fact that my journey started with saying, I am Bob Regan. That's fucking hilarious. That's the opening of the play, Luke, I am your father. I was so afraid. I was my mother, and put so much effort into becoming and not becoming her. Being my dad was so much worse and so much scarier. And so of course, I am him, and of course, owning my power feels scary, because that makes it feel like he's winning. Because if I'm a man
and if I'm gay,
maybe that's the reason that I keep having like
gay shit. The phrase like
gay shit keeps coming in again and again. Fucking gay shit like that phrase comes in again and again. I have to say, though I do like that, that's a spiritual mantra for me, fucking gay shit. Um,
yeah, that would mean that owning my power would mean that I'm a man and I'm Irish and I'm gay. I drink a lot,
and I have the air of being financially successful, but in fact, it's all a smoke screen, and the government's coming to collect it all.
That's interesting. I
so it's like, how do you remix all of that? Well, this is an interesting thought experiment. Now, I'm not even reading from my journal. I'm just working. Is the remix to do the opposite, because if so, then it would mean that I'm a trans lesbian. And that's the exhibit I ended up in here in Germany, trans les. Oh my god. And it was called Trans lesbian response. And I remember going there and thinking, like, response to, what?
What the fuck.
And of course, I walked there while listening to Young's out of biography, because that's what I've been doing since I got to Germany.
And every day,
whatever the chapters and memories, dreams and reflections, has been exactly what I'm experiencing.
So this is interesting, though, whatever the remix is, I have to own all of this first. If I'm everything and surrender to that the way through it means transcending and including him. And
including him means not bypassing, but also not using it as an excuse to devolve the one who can't stop. All this time I've been saying it's Eve the serpent, of course, today's journey started with soy serpiente. The one who can't stop isn't a woman. It's the fucking man, it's my fucking dad. And the spark jumped off the Gopal when I wrote that. But I am and I am not him. I also have a womb. I am also the moon. I am also a woman. I'm avoiding the fact that I'm really fucking binary. That's funny. I'm a woman with a womb, and I am my dad, some privileged white dude who consumes but of course, I'm also the whole spectrum. I'm the fungus with 23,000 things we want to call genders, even though they don't use that kind of language. I'm the fucking solar system, the forest floor, in the ocean shit beyond our comprehension. To really heal means the remembrance of the most basic you can't skip the fact that you're both ones and zeros and the infinite. If you go straight to either one, it's a bypass. So yes, the first diatta is to go to the little island and become Bob Regan and learn to assume the reality of the drunken Irish the Minotaurs labyrinth King's fucking quest, the Minotaurs labyrinth that was on the Emerald aisle. What the actual fuck like this is why I was tripping balls when I was a kid playing this game, and I was like, I don't know what's happening to me, but I can't stop doing it. I was obsessed with the game, and I didn't know why. I was like, it isn't even that cool, because I was in a portal. I was experiencing myself in the future, in this moment before it happened, and I didn't realize it. And this is the type of thing that happened to young, and that's why he's narrating this experience right now. Like, I literally feel him here right now, and he's like, it's okay. I thought that was going crazy too, dude. Oh my god. Okay. So learning Irish, I actually think might help me remember my blackouts, because I really feel like I have to remember what I forgot. Like, I know we don't have to, they say, to heal from trauma, but I think that I do, the blackouts are the language of drunkenness, I want those images back in my consciousness, even though they scare the fuck out of me, I fear nothing more than who I was and what I did when I don't remember. And all the songs that most resonate with me, with my healing, are in Spanish, and they were coming on the playlist today while I was writing this, which I take as confirmation, my guts turned for a purge, and I finally had one after all day yesterday, I needed it so badly. That's true. Surfacing. I can't hide only in the communities where I'm comfortable. I have to go towards queer and trans and drag and Irish people in environments with alcohol and drunken Irish people in environments with alcohol. For me, that's part of it, not partaking, but sitting in the discomfort being surrounded of not being in the same conscious state as everyone else. That's a big part of it, because that was my hiding. Was I can change my consciousness and they won't even know. The more healing you do, the faster you move through the cycles. My dark night of the soul yesterday only took half a day this time, and I finally, because I finally learned to just call it, I felt myself trying to fight it yesterday. I was trying to prolong, I was trying to redeem the day, but instead, I just said, Fuck it. And I went to bed at 730 and I'm so glad I did. Yay. Okay, if I'm Bob Regan, I have to go back to the origins, to the island where I'm no one. If we share the 13th con, then part of my path is healing his ancestral karma, the phantom pain in my butt hole that I've had since I was a child, that I always knew meant something, but I didn't know what means. I'm carrying the ghost of his shame. His worst fear is that he is a gay man, so hello, when
I was living at Kelly's, I had the dream about having a penis, and it felt really real and really scary. I was having so much stomach pain while I was writing this. I don't want to be him, and maybe I am a trans woman trapped in a gay man's body. That would be funny. And actually a cool play would be that it's just one character. And so of course, I have to go to this drag thing tonight where it's like multiple storylines, one character who keeps realizing, Wait, I'm actually this. Wait, I'm a queer man, wait, I'm a trans lesbian, wait, I'm an asexual intersex person, wait, I'm a bi man, wait, I'm straight. And they keep changing different outfits. You can't make up this shit, the synchronicity that on my walk through Berlin last week, the journey of discovery, when I first put on Young's autobiography and things started opening up, led me to the gallery where The Irish women connected with the Irish embassy staged a fake wake a funeral feast, and it happened on my birthday. So I walked into the gallery and there were flyers strewn everywhere with the bird perched on the sandwich, surrounded by cigarettes at the wine salon with my birthday printed all over it, just everywhere. I mean, that's straight out of young I have to ritualistically put to rest Holly Regan, The woman, go back to the beginning to heal the Regan suffering of the gay man. Because Phil always used to say, I was a woman trapped, or I was a gay man trapped in a woman's body. So we have to heal the woman, and we have to heal the gay man in order to find out who I really am. Maybe it's a trans lesbian, maybe it's a straight person. That'd be funny. A voice just came in that said you couldn't be straight, even if you tried. Well, none of us are okay, so yeah, what was coming through then was the men need more help, because the women can do it themselves. So maybe this is why I have to help Bob Regan heal, because what can't be forgotten is that I bled for a month straight and then broke open my pelvis like that could not be more symbolic. And Young was sitting next to me in my ear, saying, urgently, look at the images beyond language. The womb, the bleeding for a month the moon. It started on the full moon I bled, and it was after I got back from the desert full of cactuses, which are crosses, which are both plants and trees, which are trans which are aliens, meeting with my herbalist friend ash, another tree, connected with her in Acacia at breaking convention, and I came back and I Well, it started when she pulled up to my house to take me to the desert. My womb started bleeding, and it didn't stop for 28 days, and then I broke my fucking pelvis in five places, the work, the number of the work, five. Well, what I should actually say I had five breaks. And four were my pelvis, my root and one was my sacrum, my creative Center. For the number of humanness.
One,
the beginning of all possibility. And five, the work it takes to get there. Upgrades, take the system offline. Oh, I was having a really intense physical reaction writing that. And then the bird, a bird song, came on the track. I was listening to birds as omens. Was the name of that exhibit that I wandered into. Tyler's right? You can't hide the burning hand. It's been here the whole time. Art feels hard because dad couldn't do it, and I'm embodying him and Tom Regan's baggage. But if I'm them, it also means that we have to keep going further back down the line. And I'm an Irish pagan. I'm not just Bob Regan, I'm also me, and I'm the whole freaking family. So healing means to take my altar, my vessel, back to the homeland with what I've collected, and empty it in the forest, because the funeral feast ends with emptying the cups and breaking them. Oh, my God, that's so funny. I just now realized that. And a mushroom is a cup turned upside down, and it kind of looks like a pelvis. Breaking it open is the end of the funeral feast, where you drink this psychedelic beverage. What the fuck
you empty it in the forest. The lungs of the world and my lungs are what are full of mucus right now i Yeah,
if you follow the dreams the gay Irish poets and playwrights, they are mystics, artists and alcoholics. So of course, I have to embody them, but I bring my experience as a quote, unquote woman, the images the womb, the tomb, the empty room where it's just you talking to you. And somehow this also comes back to cacao. I don't quite know how, because she only grows in the tropics. Somehow she's the woman written out of the story, even though she doesn't grow in Ireland. So I don't know. I have to find out about that beverage that the Celtic people drank. Someone told me about that was like, anyways,
that's the download.
So we're gonna at least act as if we're going to Ireland, because the universe favors decisiveness. We're going to try to learn the Irish language. But while we're here, I think I got to keep trying to learn German. The End.
