I'm Andrea Askowitz. And this is writing class radio, you'll hear true personal stories and learn how to write your own stories. Together, we produce this podcast, which is equal parts heart and art. By heart, we mean the truth in a story. By art we mean the craft of writing. You know, I don't know if because we say this and have been saying this for like, eight years. I really, really really feel this is so true. The craft of writing in the heart we have craft yeah, like I am so committed to the heart and art of writing. Just wanted to say that no matter what's going on in our lives, writing classes where we tell the truth, it's where we work out our shit. There's no place in the world like writing class and we want to bring you in.
Today on our show we bring you a story by Sari Botton. Sari has been featured before on writing class radio, so check out episode 80 You have permission to write or not right? That's really good. Siri button sounds like Larry cotton
she's says that all the time because it's hard to know how to say her name because her name is Sari
They are saying it, they're not reading it.
I know. But I just want it funny to me.
I think I can say that with a straight face. You did it God Siri button which sounds like Larry cotton. If you're reading it is the author of the memoir and essays called and you may find yourself dot dot dot Confessions of a late blooming Jennex weirdo. A different version of the story you're about to hear appears and that book, sorry, publishes old sister magazine memoir Monday and adventures in journalism. She does a shit ton. Yeah. And the links to all those will be on our in our show notes. So
and all of those old Star Magazine, awesome memoir Monday. It's a curated weekly. What's great out there on the internet, and adventures in journalism is just like her life stuff. Great, great stuff.
This story that we're going to share with you today is a great example of how to tell a story that encompasses your whole life.
And that ain't easy. Nope. Back with Sarah's story after the break. We're back. This is Andrea Moskowitz and you're listening to writing class radio. Up next is Siri button reading her story? The weight manifesto.
Have you been working out an annoying acquaintance asked after a head to toe glance. Because you look in here she paused better. The problem was I had been working out I had lost weight. And I hated everything about that. Like just about every woman in America, plus plenty of men and people across the gender spectrum. I've got issues with body image, weight, food and exercise. In my teens and 20s I struggled on and off with anorexia, and it warped my relationship to my body and its appetite. When I starved myself, I thought it was just another way I was weird. Now I know our culture has a massive collective eating disorder. The adults around me had been taught to hate their bodies and through constant dieting, worrying aloud about calories, the messages came through loud and clear. Even though I've worked through a lot of that over the past few decades, some of the sickness remains lifelong Body Dysmorphia makes me an unreliable narrator about the state of my figure. But to the best of my understanding, I am not nor have I ever been overweight. I'm petite. A hair under five feet, a size four or six depending on the brand and curvy, soft bodied with a full bosom 34 D. I was in kindergarten the first time I thought I was fat. My body size and shape were well within a healthy range according to my doctor's and photographs bear this out. But I was convinced I was fat. I vividly recall my mom showing me professional photos of me. I wear a red cotton summer outfit with a white floral pattern. My cheeks and arms seemed to fool and I begged my mom not to show the pictures to anyone else. I look at those photos now and I can't see what I saw then. I had no extra padding. A year later at six I cried about moving up to Bigger underwear size. My parents and grandparents were always trying to fit into smaller sizes, and now I was moving in the wrong direction. Our cupboards were filled with tab and Sweet and Low. The freezer with ice milk. I was surrounded by grown up women who made excuses if they allowed themselves a cookie or a pad of butter on a baked potato. At seven, an adult commented on my ample but the part of my body I've struggled to make peace with ever since. Shortly after that, when I got a stomach virus, I experienced a weird sense of empowerment. From my ability to go without eating. I was vomiting. But I saw the whole ordeal as a stroke of luck. Maybe if I stopped eating for long enough, I could lose my big butt. In fourth grade, my friends and I began comparing our bodies. I had one friend Lucy with juvenile diabetes, who went through periods where she was rail thin. Lucy and other girls bragged about their doctors declaring them underweight. The girls reported this like it was an unfortunate situation beyond their control. Woe is me underweight again, I just can't keep the meat on my bones. At 14, my body started to develop and suddenly my clothes fit tighter. I was still very much not fat, but I was a few pounds heavier. And I wasn't the only one who noticed. You don't eat the cakes in the candies. Do you my step grandma asked. We were at a family gathering. And I desperately wanted something sweet, but it couldn't stand the way my body was massing out as I'd heard a friend's mother refer to the phenomenon in the middle of 10th grade in the winter of 1981. When I was 15, I decided that I needed to take some action to control this body. First I did the stewardess diet breakfast was black coffee, something I didn't drink yet, and a half grapefruit, lunch and dinner were different kinds of meat with plain undressed vegetables. After four days of that boring regimen. I didn't feel nearly thin enough. I went to the library and there instead of diet books, I was drawn to a young adult novel called The best little girl in the world by Steven Levin Kron it was the story of a teen girl who develops anorexia and bulimia. Clearly it was meant to caution young readers against starving themselves. But for me it became a blueprint. I learned all the tricks from Francesca, the main character, how to move food around on your plate, how to fool tired parents how to leave evidence of having eaten breakfast without taking a bite, put cereal crumbs in a bowl and leave it in the sink. The book destroyed my relationship to food and my body forever. I'd skip lunch and walk the school grounds to burn fat. At dinner I would put a small amount of meat into a large portion of salad, but only eat the vegetables and at the end of the meal quickly toss the meat into the garbage. Initially, I filled up with water tab, diluted orange juice and tea and it helped distract me from my hunger. Each time I peed. I imagined fat pouring out of me. A couple of days in I felt the equivalent of a runner's high from not eating. It was exhilarating to feel so in control to feel empty in light. I had so much energy. I expended it in the evenings dancing vigorously to the more upbeat songs on Springsteen's the river album, I say dancing, but it looked more like awkward aerobics, kicking and punching the air twisting and turning with the objective of working all the fat off of all my parts every evening or ritual. In a short time, I had gotten myself down to 90 pounds from 112. A healthy weight was more like 120 I was very thin. My parents became alarmed, I became alarmed because even though I knew definitively that I was thinner than was considered healthy, I only wanted to keep losing weight. I confessed to my parents that I had been starving myself and that I wanted help. They found a therapist who specialized in childhood eating disorders, and I started going once a week. My therapist Evelyn was a nice woman about my mother's age in her early 40s. The problem was Evelyn was skinny. What if she had chosen eating disorders as her specialty because she had one? Conversely, if she was bony by nature, how could she possibly understand what it meant to be afraid to gain weight? She had me keep a running list of everything I ate, which put me at odds with myself. The part of me interested in getting well wanted to let this exercise helped me the part of me interested in staying sick I use it to obsess and fret over everything I put in my mouth. I felt split about wanting to get better. I didn't want to die like some of the anorexic kids I'd been told about. But I also didn't want to wait any more than I currently did. I wanted to wait even less. In 11th grade I got my first real boyfriend Jason. It seemed only once I gotten super thin my jaw and cheekbones becoming more prominent that he and other boys noticed me. In college, my metabolism slowed, apparently a homeostasis response to starving. I put on weight while consuming under 1000 calories per day. So I bought a rusty exercise bike at a yard sale and wrote it in my dorm room, sometimes two or three times daily. I didn't get my first full period until 18 and it was a doozy. I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis, which led to hormone treatments that made me develop acne and gain weight. I hated myself. But there was something useful about having a whole other condition to deal with, which made it impossible for me to be impossibly thin. Now, I had no choice but to let go at least somewhat of the need to be super skinny. It was the beginning of becoming less vigilant about my weight, which was a relief. I wasn't all better by any stretch. But endometriosis put me on a path toward a little better. And then a little bit better than that. Then a slip, followed by a bit better than before, then a slip and so on, mostly moving me in a healthy direction.
At 33, I unwittingly adopted a slightly different flavor of eating disorder, one disguised to look like a smart approach to eating orthorexia, which conflates restriction of certain foods with being healthy. A doctor put me on a three month elimination diet to try and figure out what foods might be making me sick. I eliminated sugar, dairy, meat, gluten, alcohol and vinegar, which seemed to help me regulate my very irregular period. Best read. Worst of all, it made me feel in control and healthy. So I just stayed on the diet for years in my late 40s and early 50s injuries I incurred while jogging plus frequent respiratory illnesses made it difficult to exercise vigorously, which forced me to switch to less punishing activities and also to accept my body a little bit fuller and rounder. Still, every now and then I'll go hours fighting to ignore the siren song of the contents of the refrigerator. Most mornings at 1130 I feel hungry but won't allow myself to eat no lunch until the clock strikes noon. No 1230 I want to revolt against this baseless decree. But the unreasonable despot I'd be rebelling against is me. I have a lot of food rules. I'm allowed one square of chocolate per day, or one small gluten free cookie, likely one that I baked or a tablespoon of ice cream to keep me from feeling too dessert deprived. No full desserts more than once a week, preferably not more than once a month, no per quarter. If I have a carb heavy lunch, I can also have a carb heavy dinner. I keep these rules in my head and know them by rote. A certified nutrition coach once taught me to ask myself anytime I think I'm hungry. Might I be Angry, Lonely or Tired? Instead, she gave me an acronym by which to remember this line of questioning h a l t halt. This was supposed to be wellness but it made me doubt my own hunger. Sometimes I think a teaspoon of peanut butter will hold me over. But that only buys me 15 minutes of relief 20 tops. This is a problem that could easily be solved with a bigger breakfast. But the unreasonable desperate in my brain. Let's meet have only small rations of fruit, yogurt and gluten free muesli for the first meal of the day. Another ridiculous rule I'm afraid to break. I wish now that I could unremember halt, along with everything I was ever taught about calories, good food, bad carbs, Weight Watchers points, and all the other nonsense that runs through my mind. Don't get me wrong. I know. There are legitimate concerns regarding nutrition and exercise and probably legitimately healthy ways of approaching both. But my history renders me incapable of separating healthy approaches out from harmful ones, or from turning the healthy approaches into modes of harm. I wish I could finally permanently let it all go at 57 I've come a long way and maybe incrementally over time the rest will fade from my consciousness. In the meantime, the best thing I can do is treat myself with as much gentleness and kindness as possible. In whatever mode I find myself, obsessed with my weight and appearance are relaxed about it just as necessary as having compassion for everyone else, those who infected me with the sickness, the people who insulted me directly or through backhanded compliments, every one of them was taught to hate their bodies.
I am so impressed with this story for a few reasons. The first I think, is that this narrator admits at the top of the story are pretty early on. I love and I love how she does it. She says that she has dysmorphia, which makes her an unreliable narrator about the true state of her body. But she shows us what her body looks like in terms of she gives us her stats really, she tells us her weight and her height. And she says that she's not fat. And she continues to tell a whole story about her own issues with food. And I know from my own experience writing a story about my issues with food. If you present as someone who isn't fat. The Internet does not like you, but to sereis credit. I really like her. I feel like she's a very, very reliable narrator because she tells us she's not. And what I mean by reliable narrator in the terms of writing is that she's giving us her vulnerability. She's telling us how vulnerable she is and so I trust her but it is a very difficult thing to do when you don't present or you don't look fat to the rest of the world. And I wondered about that like I'm we can talk about the harshness that I got remember the story I wrote about eating Bok Lavoie every year so I'm there Marquis sends me back Levi you too. Thanks, Tom. Because I eat so much. I know I love it so much Nate so much ballclub I every time I get it. And it's not just balaclava. But in that in that moment that one time sent me off. And it made me write this story about being afraid, always being afraid of gaining weight. And for so many of the reasons that this narrator felt fear that the comments that she got throughout her whole life, I so understand this narrator so that's the first reason why I'm so impressed with her. And the other reason is, I thought that she did a really, really, really good job, kind of like showing us her entire life through food in a way that I thought was very compelling. And gets to the end. And really, there is no end. And so I thought that's that's also like we talk a lot about endings. And in this case, the narrator's she admits that she has come a shit ton long way. But she's not healed. She's not cured. I mean, and is anyone ever cured? She's talking about
a subject that many many people struggle with. I related to so much. Yes, 100%. And just hearing a story where you think, Okay, I'm not alone is really important.
I think so. Yeah. I want to go through it. And note some of the moments that really struck me. She says our culture has a massive eating disorder. She says that sort of at the top of the story and that kind of higher register. But I think it is so true. She told it to us right after she talked about how everyone compliments her and how hard it was complimenting her that when she lost weight. She thought it was just like her issue. But no, it's a massive cultural problem.
Well, to bring up a story that you got published in CNN, it's it's similar to people saying to each other at parties, oh my God, you look so young, or you look so good. Even though they've aged,
we have a massive eating disorder in our culture and a massive ageism problem in our culture, massive. Then she gives us like such good evidence for her lifelong struggle. In kindergarten. She thought she was fat. She shows us the picture of herself. And now when she looks back on that picture, she's like, what, what did I see? And then at six years old, she cries because she wanted to not be like going up in size. That part I thought was so sweet. It was about underwear. But compared to like her grandparents and everybody around her, she she thought she was moving in the wrong direction. And I felt like she gave us this kid perspective in a way that I was like, Yeah, I understand. Because it was such a kid. Kid thinking.
I love that part. Yeah, really good.
And then the details of what was in a refrigerator tab, ice milk, we had tab and ice milk. Maybe that's another reason why I particularly really liked this story because so many of the specifics resonated with me, which is like just a, this is an aside but like sometimes when you're trying to get your story published, in an in a publication, you are you that I'm talking about you the listener, if you're trying to get your story published, or me as a writer, when I'm trying to get my story published, if, if an editor is like charmed by something like the details that come out, then you just have an added advantage. It's subjective. That's my point. But I really love that. And then the, as she's getting older kids are like bragging about being underweight. I could so see that too. Like the I just can't keep the weight on my bones.
I still say that. When I was going through cancer, I'm like, I don't know. I'm the you're eating macadamia nuts. I just can't gain weight. And everyone else is like, that's true. Could it be mean, but
yeah, you did do that. Exactly. Yep. Yeah. And then then she talked about and this is what's happening to me right now. At 14. Sarah was like, suddenly her clothes fit tighter. I'm like at 55 Suddenly, my clothes are fitting tighter.
They shrink in the closet. Everyone knows that. Oh, in the closet. Yeah, they're
shrinking it. Yeah. Exact same clothes that I wear every single day because I only have one uniform. Suddenly, they're shrinking in the closet. I don't get it. The language massing out. I loved her voice there. When she goes to the library, and finds this part was so harrowing to me. And this is like, scary, scary. And maybe this is why she called her story. Wait a manifesto, in a way she's saying. It's a policy declaration or something. Because this part, set it all she finds this book called The best little girl in the world, which is supposed to be a cautionary tale about eating. But instead for her, it's a blueprint. This book teaches her how to be calm, anorexic. That is so scary. When I first read her story, and then when I just heard it now it's that part. God, that's so scary.
When I was in college, my mom was doing research on bulimia and anorexia. And I was like, oh, that sounds like a good way to lose weight. Ah, that's when I started throwing up a little. Yeah. It sucks. Teenagers are just idiots.
I mean, I mean, were you reading what your mom was writing? Probably not. She was just telling
you. She was telling me and that she would just be like, complaining about these other girls. And the parents maybe couldn't control them. And I was like, really? Well, neither can you.
Okay, yeah. So So what her? Would your mom say? Like they couldn't, they can't even they can't even control when their girls are walking to the bathroom and putting their fingers down their throat and and you were like, Oh, that's a great idea. Is that we? I
don't remember. But she would be like, can you believe this? This is what people do? Don't they care that they're gonna like run out their teeth. And I'm like, oh, skinny teeth. I don't know, maybe I'll be skinny until I have to get fake teeth. I don't know, Jesus, they're stupid. We're in the moment, we just want to look cute.
It's so scary. It's so so scary. It's the kind of information that kids can get. And then what how they use it ooh. Anyway, she continues to take us through her life, she had to keep a list of what she ate. And of course, that sounds like a good idea. Maybe, but then it totally fueled her obsession. What she did really well also in this piece is and this is very hard to do in writing, she held the conflict. So on the one hand, she knew she was at this point, she knew that she was sick. And on the other hand, she wanted to stay sick. And I thought that she did a really good job of showing us both those tensions. I always wonder
like what's going on in somebody else's world that they need to stay in control of something because I feel it I really related to that, because she felt really in control when she could lose weight. And I try to think back now like where didn't I feel in control and I feel like teenagers as a whole with the changes, going to school trying to keep up your grades trying to please your parents trying to find a good in a
good college, like then tried to look beautiful online constantly. Yeah,
I mean, we didn't have that. Thank God when we're growing up, that would have just been one more layer. But it's you do feel totally out of control. And this one thing allowed me to feel in control. And so maybe there's more to it. I mean, what we're hearing now is this, and it's it's written in a way that we all can relate to, or I can relate to my mind wandering.
I get what you're asking. Yeah, you're asking like, what was the what's the underlining what's the underlying control issue? And maybe there was nothing. Or maybe it was just about being a girl at that age. Exactly. What about this moment where the narrator talks about orthorexia? That's when she eliminated certain things from her diet. In this like in quotes for health. Again, that's a an obsession. You're talking
to someone who I've seen the look on your face.
I'm like, Are you gonna chime in?
I will try my time. So yeah, I don't eat gluten. I don't eat dairy. I don't eat blah, blah, blah. There's a whole long list of shit. Initially, it was because I had, you know, I was battling, like lots of digestion issues right before I was diagnosed with cancer. And then once I had cancer, I wanted to make sure that I stayed as healthy as possible. No toxins. And it was it's, it's crazy. It's crazy making for sure. And so now there's always a fear of the cancer coming back. But also I know, if I can control what I eat and call it health reasons, then it's just easier for me to stay then.
Is it about controlling fitness? Or is about controlling cancer? So for you, it's probably both. Yeah, it's both. So I so get it.
But what you're asking is, if there was no cancer, would I still be doing this? Probably. Yeah. I can confess. Yes.
I wasn't asking that. I wasn't asking that. But thank you for telling the truth. You're a reliable narrator. You know what I'm doing to, to beat back menopause. Exercising? I'm exercising so much. I mean, Vicky was like, making my wife. She's like, I think you're getting becoming obsessed with exercise, like becoming, yeah, more than ever. Because I would like go to the pool, we, we were on a on a four day vacation, and I went to the pool and did like 20 laps of the longest pool I've ever seen. And then then we would go hiking. And then sometimes they would want to go back to the pool. Like I was nuts on that trip. So I'm having a little bit of a problem right now. And it scares me. I mean, one, I don't want to get old. But two, I don't want to be obsessed with exercise. And this narrator also was obsessed with exercise with her rusty old bike. And anyway, she brought me in so many times, I so understood the food rules that she still has now. I want to thank her for admitting that.
I know because I can't wait till we're done. So I can get up and get me to gluten free cookies.
You're allowed to. Sometimes I have three really proud of you. Because I upsize food rules too. But it's like one full dessert a day, not one tablespoon. Well, that's why I have to exercise. Exactly. See if we were all so fucking nuts. Oh, God, well, I
don't think we're gonna solve the world's problems. But the reason why this story is so powerful is because there is a problem. It's acceptable. This is an acceptable problem.
Maybe because we all share it all the specially American, white women
share this, why do you have to throw race in?
Because I think that other races and other cultures have a different view of body image. I think that you're allowed to be thicker in the black community, for instance, and also in the Latin community. Yeah. Oh, there I love this moment to where she said she would get a little better, a little better slip a little better. And so we know that she's not done with this issue. But I do still think that this story is very, very satisfying. At the end, she actually talks about how so many of us, including the people who insulted her, were also insulted and also have to live in this fat obsessed culture. I think that
the ending like when people ask a lot like, Well, how do I end this, I'm still going through it. And this is a great example of that. She basically just takes us through like where she is now and shows us an anecdote or a scene or something that shows that she is still dealing with it. And this is how
Thank you Siri button for sharing your story. And thank you for listening. If you love the essay you just heard you can read more of seri Barton in her beautiful memoir and essays, which means it's a memoir put together by a series of essays. Her memoir and essays is called and you may find yourself Confessions of a late blooming Jennex weirdo. Anywhere you buy books. We vote that you get it at your local indie our favorite is books and books.
Writing class radio is hosted by me Andrea Askowitz
and me Alison Langer,
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