Reckoning of the Great Remembering + Meta-Witnessing

6:22AM Jun 27, 2025

Speakers:

Keywords:

patriarchy

creativity

capitalism

colonialism

validation

consciousness

empty space

plant communion

ancestors

spiritual journey

Paleolithic metaphysics

divine union

creative expression

relational consciousness

transcendence

Oh, there's a reason why the number one dad voice that sticks with me is the one that says over and over in my head, nobody wants to hear your story. Holly, the

patriarchy that's kind of the whole thing, isn't it? The struggle with him, the struggle with my creativity. It's kind of the whole feminine, generative thing. We only want your creativity, your creation, your gestation, if we can make a thing out of it, if we can capitalize on it, if we can turn it

into a product that we can market, then we want it, but then we keep it for ourselves. You don't own it.

That's cute. You'd think you'd retain some kind of agency over the thing you made, not in this system, not under capitalism, not under colonialism. Your body, your vessel, your altar, your Panda, your creation, your womb, as our property,

but we won't get you any property to occupy. We won't give you any physical space from which to make your creation, because the room is worth more without you in it, we are building a monument to money, a shrine to ourselves. These spaces are more, quote, unquote, valuable when they're empty. You

luminous, kind of just like my dad, really. If you think about it, you can't share one goddamn thing without robot, without it, instantly trying to monetize it, turn it into a product. I a thing. We can mark it a fucking widget, but I'm trying to make it my mom. I just want it to be proud of me. I want it to project back the kind of enthusiasm that's unrealistic, that's God like in its

excess,

in its oceanic boundlessness, I want someone to be so proud of me, it's inappropriate, and that's really gross to admit that that's how she programmed me in a robot programmed by bros ever not get you to try to make stuff I don't know. I mean, I guess the experiment is my consciousness. I want boundless affirmation to the point where it's embarrassing and I guess I'm conditioned to want to make something that I can sell, so I suppose I'm just like women after all, or at least I'm seeking from them, the same thing I got from my parents. And that's not surprising. We all go through our lives seeking validation in the ways we did and didn't get it as children. But I don't want to be I mean, in some ways, I want to be a child again, but for God's sake, I don't want to actually crawl back into the womb. I don't want to actually reverse of all. I want to move forward. I want to go beyond where I've been before, not for me, for all of us. I want to bring things back for the village now that are outside my little, tiny, stupid consciousness. I don't even want to hear my story anymore, but I have to find a way to make it helpful for the others i.

Otherwise. Why did I even live it? This is it. This is it. This is it. Old school, channeling voice memos and cacao no AI analysis, yet just me in the darkness the candle and the ancestors and spirits, the channels open the other dimension. It's about what's real and what isn't we're all just trying to validate our existence. What you mean? Means prove it.

Prove that we exist, prove that we're not just a brain and a jaw, prove that we're not the only thing out there, prove that there is a larger intelligence network, group, connection ecosystem that we can plug into to prove that we are just one thread in a much larger fabric

that we are weaving as we're being woven that we can never be separate. We just want to know we're not alone, or maybe some of us with a lot of trauma do want to prove that, because there are plenty of scientists who want to prove that consciousness

is all completely subjective, constrained To the mind, reductive, that there's no mystical component, part of any larger story,

but it's just

our brain is the only thing that we can prove excess

our consumer culture says something's not real, unless you can make it material, unless you can see it, touch it, taste it, talk to it, but most importantly, sell it, Unless it's a product, unless it's a widget or ironically, A space without you in it, an empty room. I

This is why so much broke open during the pandemic. I was haunted by the empty space. I was haunted by myself at this moment in the future putting it all together. I Yeah, that's something too the concept of the empty space worth more without you in it was foundational. It's much bigger than a restaurant going out of business

or a shack not having a space to express. It was metaphysical. It was existential.

Are you worth more than an empty room? Are you more than an empty room?

It's the rimandie, the

I'm still trying to prove to my mom that this other world I'm contacting is real, that I'm actually talking to dead people, that there actually are ancestors guiding the journey. I'm trying to prove it to myself as much as I'm trying to prove it to her, I've got the same Christian programming, the same capital story. It says I can't trust my senses. It says I can't trust my gut feeling. It says I can't trust my experience. And they took my language and they took i. Our systems, and they took our apprenticeships and mentorships, and they took us from our village and replaced the village with empty spaces when we need containers for holding I

we need to fill them with each other, with our experience, with our creative genius. We're all just that kid, that version of me, that I saw in such stark contrastedness that it broke my heart, the one holding out what they made to the parent, the parent just looking the other way.

We all need to show each other these things. We need to be seen and we also need our experience reflected in others to know that we exist at all. Consciousness is relational. There is no experience without the other life forms, intelligences, entities. And so, of course, the interview of Andrew Gallimore popped on when the song ended on Patreon and started playing the next thing in my queue, and they're talking about whether or not anything exists, but you this is sort of what we've been trying To figure out since the very beginning, since the Paleolithic, since we went into empty spaces and put our mark on them, our creative expression has always been to try to convey the other dimension, to try to convey these experiences that go beyond written for Written verbal language in ways that others can understand you.

In Paleolithic metaphysics, even stones have consciousness. The cave is the invitation, the womb, the tomb, the empty room is the opening to everything, to your own consciousness that is collective, that only really exists in relation. But the relations are much broader than we conceive of. They're all around you all the time. You can never be separate, not even in an empty space, alone in the darkness that, in fact, is where the most opens up. The other realms are always here. The others are always with us. The dead are always listening. They're right next to you right now. You just can't perceive them with these senses until you learn to attune them, and that's why we have people selling these courses that feel cheesy online for 11 payments of a $111.11 you can learn to tap into your own intuitive consciousness. We used to just know this. We used to just do this, but our culture seeks to decondition us and unlearn us from the very beginning. So now we have to invest in these ways of remembering you.

And I'm still just trying to be validated by my parents. So I'm still trying to make a thing that I could show my dad and get him to hold my gaze. And I'm still trying to break away from my mom and. Figure out who I am on my own and find the others. And yet I still want her to validate that it exists. And yet I still want to prove to her that my cosmology is real, that I always knew that I was fucking right, that that doctrine I was fed was poisoned, that we were both brainwashed, programmed by the bros. I want to show her I was right. I want to show them both that I was right and they were wrong. Oedipal impulse, I guess I don't know. I

These Guardians of the Bucha into his people's journey, the sacred emissaries. There's a reason they called to me in Greece from the wineries before I rediscovered the esoteric ways

the bees were already Speaking. I

One impulse. I really don't like that. I really am being faced with right now, because diet has already started. I

is this reaction I sometimes have to other people. Of you don't seem appropriately excited. I

I want people to think I'm a creative genius. I want people to validate my existence. I want people to gush and rant and rave and

say I'm the best and say I figured it out before everyone else. And say, Look at the big brain on Holly on Riordan. What?

They really deserve our attention.

It's not what higher self wants. Higher Self wants to elevate all of us

but the little kid and the consumer creature. I mean, there's a reason they resonated with fight club that was told they were going to be a movie God, rock star, an icon. They're still very disillusioned that that was a lie. Yet my real soul, the part of me that is timeless, wants nothing more than to get off the hamster wheel the pressure of producing I only want to make a thing if it can help someone else awaken, if it can help someone else not jump off a building.

But maybe that's just a different form of punishment and enclosure. Maybe that's just a different form of Messiah Complex. Maybe I need to make shit just to make shit, because it's a human impulse to generate, hmm,

maybe that's the problem is that I need to make stuff just to make stuff. It sounds so obvious when you say it that way, but then part of the creativity that I'm channeling needs to be how that finds expression with the larger collective.

Because to me, it is only real if it can be brought back to the village, I don't know. Is that true?

What's real and what isn't and is only what's real valuable. What is real anyway? Like, I'm gonna solve this

one. I'm being ontology, haunt ology, haunted by

what did and didn't used to be material, haunted by things that are clearly just as much here as anything else, but I can't prove materially. Thank God. I still feel like I'm hitting this stumbling block of quote, unquote proof. This is where the fear of triangles and math comes in. Don't make me try to prove it. I don't know how to do that in your system. Don't make me try to prove it. I don't know how to do that to a Christian.

The Christians take everything so literal.

I mean, their whole symbol is a dude becoming material. I

The Buddhist story goes the other direction. It's about transcending the body. The Christian story is almost about transcending the spiritual, because it all centers around Christ's incarnation. Jesus was the divine made flesh.

Need to sit with this one for a minute. It's coming back to that scene at daycare, the kid with the cup full of sand,

and me already disbelieving before age 10, like young having already lost touch with that Divine Child,

the one who could play and see the world as one soul, the one who wanted to believe so badly that the cup was full of more than sand they wanted to recapture. About Jesus magic that

have been possessed by the shame in the body and the culture in the mind. It says that shit ain't real unless you can perceive it with your senses, measure it, put it in an experiment and replicate it. Double blind.

Double blind that takes on an interesting meaning, doesn't it? Blind in both dimensions? That's how we've been living double blind from the seeing the unseen realm at the same time. Of course,

we haven't been able to figure out where we're going. We haven't been able to see in the night or the day world.

We've lost both visions. You eyes. We need a five fold, multi dimensional awakening. We need all of the eyes opened wide again to let more light information in, streaming in from the sun, from the pyramids, from the star of Sirius and beyond.

Give me the light of the moon, the things that can only be felt we need to invent new languages, cosmologies, galaxies, worlds, from token to the DMT room, because we don't have adequate Ways to convey it in this dimension. Can't hold it.

We need plant o vision and jungle television

to even think about trying to convey the depth of This experience.

We need to remember how to communicate in these ways.

That's why they had to. Don't think of it as a restriction, a taking away. It's about an opening, an invitation, a relationship with a plant, which is what I've had with a cacao. I haven't been binging. Well, sorry I have been binging. Sorry I haven't been restricting everything else. I've been in devotion. I've been fasting. From other things and in communion with the plant. But the part I gotta work on is the part where I can energetically sensor

to use the body to transcend it. I it's

kind of the whole thing, isn't it?

I I needed more than anything that wouldn't seem I got from Stephanie yesterday, and I'm trying to hold on to it. I Oh, I so badly. Just needed someone else to validate my experience, to say it's real. These other realms exist. You are talking to things that aren't in bodies. Your ancestors are here with you. I can feel them for you, even if you don't trust it yet, I can help translate for the things you're still remembering how to contact someone else just to say it is real. I.

That was everything someone else to look me in the eye and tell me, in another culture, you would have been taken under the wing of a healer, a teacher, a seer. You would have been apprenticed. You would have been mentored. They would have shown you the ways they would have seen your aptitude, and they would have taken you in as one of them. You were just born into the wrong culture, kid and not wrong. I believe we choose our path and Bodhisattva and all that. And, yeah, yeah, blah, blah. But you know what? We still just need someone to tell you that it didn't have to be this way and it shouldn't have to. Need someone to tell you, kid, the cup is full of more than just sand,

it's fucking magic.

Need to re enchant and re ensoul the world again. I need someone to tell us it's more than just empty space in mindless stuff, that everything is alive and communicating, that everything has inherent meaning, that the telos of the universe is maybe just to recognize that it exists, but it's not meaningless. The purpose is to recognize that it exists, to witness itself, to just say that we were here and this happened. I

we

did it, we made it, we built it. For a moment. It existed before it disappeared again. I

there's still something I feel that's a bit unexpressed about This link between the mother and suicidality and creativity And

you fear that you're not going to be okay without her, that you have to die before she does, or you won't be able to handle it. I used to feel like that. I'm so relieved not to anymore, and

want to help others feel that too.

Yet I also want to help others see the beauty of the Divine longing. I also want to help others connect with the beauty and power of the impermanence of the eighth principle of the sorrow, to not want to bypass it, to not just focus on getting to the oneness and the interconnectedness, but actually reveling In the experience of the disillusion, actually appreciating the pain and not wanting to just blow through it, seeing the pain as a portal, as necessary, as important, seeing the magic of The eighth principle of the moon, of the darkness you

seeing the cave not as empty, but as full of the richest kind of experience, and that is dieta. It's not taking away, it's not punishment, it's not being grounded and sent to your room. It's. Grounded in the foundational sense, in the comfort and the holding and the awakening and the opening to something much more complex and vast, infinite opening to a relationship with a plant taking the other noise away so you can hear them. This is the divine union. Whoa. This is the divine union that I'm trying to do, communion with God that I've been seeking. This Is my monastery. Wow, wow.

I mean, in a way, the spiritual journey is kind of suicidality, killing the ego. Can you give yourself to something so devotedly that you disappear completely,

that you merge with it totally, to the point where a separate you doesn't even exist anymore. I

That's sex, that's death, that's consciousness, experimentation. How far can you push it and still retain your edges? How far can you push it and still be in this world? How far can you push it and still not quite be dead yet, but kind of, can you die just a little the Little death, the orgasm in French?

La petite more, I

that's kind of the whole thing, isn't it? Can you die just a little bit, but not completely. Yeah, can you disappear, but not completely? To be or not to be, Radiohead and Hamlet, I thought I was being original. They already lead me to it.

I mean, that's just evidence right there. I had no idea there was actually a Radiohead Shakespeare play, but I was receiving it in California in a bed with a broken pelvis how to disappear completely. It was one of the first sequences I wrote. I

I mean, Exhibit A show that to Gallery, see how much it compares to what she saw on the stage. There's your quote, unquote proof. Do archetypal experiencing.

So there's also something to this, like, this is my thing. I guess I. This is my creative expression. Is synthesizing whatever are the current topics or issues, what are the current personal issues that I'm working through? How is that then showing up, and what I'm being drawn to research, what I'm receiving from the ether and the ancestors.

Yeah, like, what am I researching, and how is that expressing itself and what I'm making.

This is my life in auto theory. This is my life in the PhD product. Product, that's funny process. This is my body in the PhD process,

chronicled through submissions of things that got rejected. That's kind of fun. My body of work will be things that didn't get grant funding,

that I just did myself, because the point was coming up with a proposal. The

point was just to put a container around with emergent living. I didn't have a framework for a way to describe it, and it kind of didn't make sense, actually, until I had to make it a project, a product. So I guess in that way, thank you, capitalism.

Yeah, this is auto theory. This is me living a PhD, because this is my process. I'm going through something in my personal life. I go to the altar and ask the ancestors, they show me what to research because of correspondence, those things that happened in history or that are reflected in these spiritual, esoteric, historical anthropological concepts have universal resonance, because what's happening in my internal experience is also written the stars. And then there's the creative expression where I where it's channeled through my body

and regurgitated. Of course, I'm always spitting things out. That's funny. I I'm just the vessel, the channel, the hollow bone, the mama bird, the death Omen, that digests things and then regurgitates them for her children, so they're easier to swallow through some kind of creative form, I make what I'm learning and experiencing easier for other people to swallow so they can help make sense of their experience. That's what it is to be a shaman. That's what this PhD program is. That's what being a human is.

Paleolithic metaphysics says that rocks are insoled and horses have uteruses. And caves that seem empty are the most vibrant and alive because they help us see with five fold vision, extra sensory perception, entering into the other dimensions that are always present later. On top of this one, like an onion skin in the dark, we see more clearly, but we widen the eye and let more light in light information. Sirius, 23 23 degree activation, solar zenith alignment and moon and.

Sensuality, I don't know, Moon seduction, eighth principle, beckoning seductively. The eighth principle luring you in with that sweet stench of fermentation, death and resurrection so awkward,

dying to who we thought we were, and being reborn as something more infinite and interconnected than we ever could have conceived of.

I'm in old school, cacao Tori, hashtag, experiments and consciousness. I'm back to last summer at that house sit where I feel completely in another realm, on in DNA, from sitting with cacao and nothing else, from talking to the ancestors, from stripping down the inputs, from just letting myself talk and listen, receive East forest in my ears,

cacao in my cup,

coursing through my veins. It's probably too much that's gotten the point at which I hear the most.

Wet hashtag, not a micro goes when I wasn't really trying to have that much, but it just kind of happens

that's my kink, I guess. Oops. I didn't mean to oops. I didn't mean to blast my consciousness away, oops. I didn't mean to kill myself, oops, I didn't mean to disappear completely. Kind of just happened. I don't like that kink. I want to take okay, but I don't like it, so that makes it a shadow, and that makes it stronger. So hi, I see you. I want to transcend and include that. See it and raise it. Let's just embrace the disappearing. Let's do it consciously. Let's do it willingly. Let's take off the mouse costume and pick up the flute and become the Piper, or at least just be the ecstatic dancer who follows him willingly into the NL you

it's all about remembering. We just want to be told that we are right, that we always knew to begin with. We just want to have our experience validated, we just want to show our parents and have them be like, Yep, good job, kid. You figured it out.

Whether that's God or our father and what's the difference? Anyway, I

as Tyler Riordan said, our fathers bailed and they were our model for God. So

what does that show you about God? I

his takeaway was we don't need him. But no, dude, that's not right. Of course, we need him, but we just also have to realize that we are him and we bail and we return. I am Bob Regan. That's where my Ayahuasca journey began. In

2019 I

was trying to do the scientific experiment,

stress test. The muscle test.

It would supposedly to set the parameters the conditions by saying something not real. And so I said I am Bob Regan, and my body said that I was lying. And it strikes me too that I'm always trying to prove

the algorithm wrong, that the AI is lying, and the AI does lie, but I guess that assumes an objective truth, right? It all comes back to what's real anyway.

Is it important that there's a dimension where we decide certain things do and don't exist. This is like, what I was getting stuck on yesterday, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Like, we say that it's important to be able to operate in the third dimension. And like, Yes, I guess because we have to keep our bodies alive. But there's a third dimension, and there's physical existence, and then there's consumer, capitalist culture, and those aren't the same things. And I felt like yesterday, Stephanie was really validating this. Like, yes, this, quote, unquote, other world, this going to live in the jungle, apprentice with medicine, maybe live there, you know, maybe be initiated into this lineage. Like living in the jungle isn't escaping, it's embracing. It's giving yourself fully to just a different way of naming and containing and expressing and sharing the human experience, like that's fucking colonialism, saying that only our way is real. And we say that people are being escapist, and they're mentally and well, if they want to go live in the jungle forever and serve medicine, I mean, as long as they're not saying like, I am God, the Savior, personally, you know, if, if we're trying to actually, respectfully, consciously in community in Ayni, enter into a life, you know,

with Another culture that revolves around communicating with other realms and oh, like, that is a way that people live. They're just different people.

Like, is that what makes us real is other people, and if you say yes, and consciousness is but like, if consciousness is relational, can't being in existence and communion with the plants be just as real as with people? I don't know, but either way, I feel like the answer is with lineages like the Shipibo, or it's about the relationship with the plants, where it's about that direct experience and communion and communication.

I want to train in this lineage. This calls me, for a reason, because this is kind of at the fundamental nature of like, my exploration, are the plants and the dead, the trees and the forest, just as in, as alive and sentient and as important to connect with on that deepest, most intimate of levels where you give yourself to them completely. Like, is that just as real as connecting with humans? And like, even here there's human intermediaries. It's not like, I'm completely fucking off from them and becoming that human intermediary, I think, is, like, important and maybe the point of my life. Because to me, yeah, it does all come back to other people. And can I have, like, can I go into this experience so that I can then learn how to share it with others? But it's about. Of helping other people learn to develop their own relationship with non human entities, right? This is the divine quest transcend and include like we bring each other along in the quest to disappear completely that's going along together, like we recruit each other, we walk each other home to the experience of dying,

of disappearing, of merging with the oneness that isn't in a body anymore. Through the body, we transcend the body. Through the body, we die.

And the experience culminates in this like the point of the good life is to fully appreciate it so you can die. Well, I think, no,

I don't know what's the meaning of life. I

like the meaning of life is to die well, but sort of the paradox at the heart of it is that you can only do that if you've really experienced it. I

I've got dying flowers on my altar, and I think they're the most beautiful i

Maybe I am supposed to do this death. I think I'm kind of doing it no matter what I'm doing.

I just got cold. Some ancestors are here. Some people in the other dimension are here. I mean, not like they haven't been this whole time. But Bill, how do I fulfill my contract with you that Crystal's still weighing down my pocket? Maybe Cal was wrong about that spell you gave me. Maybe I do need to consciously everybody's here, but you told me I

12 thoughts today, creative genius days strike terror into my heart, because how do I ever convey all of this to anyone else in a way that will ever make any sense? Stephanie said, your ancestors want you to do things they don't want you to just think about them. They want you to get out of the mind. And yet, the day before gallery said, it's all about the mind. Isn't that funny? The two big awakenings, the two big validations, the two big things that made me feel really excited for the teacher saying it's all about the bind and it's all about training the mind. That was what she said. She's very steeped in Vedic tradition. She said it's all about training and disciplining the mind like but so you can use it as a tool. And then Stephanie says, The ancestors want you to get out of your mind. But I guess they're saying the same thing, aren't they? Yeah, so it's all about the mind, and none of it is. It's about using it as a technology to leave it behind, because that's the uniqueness of the human vessel. And Terence McKenna is here now, bringing it back to that talk, that one walk to dance, that one day, oh my god, man, that was a fucking portal moment.

And I actually think that's when I was staying at that house. I'm pretty sure it is the one where Josh came over and said that he thought I was crazy and that I was having some kind of mental unraveling. When Josh came over and witnessed me, i. Like Tyler Riordan said, this is our greatest moment together, where you're disappearing completely and you're wandering around waving a gun at your imaginary friends. Our greatest moment you're off somewhere, missing him. I

He saw me in actually one of my most creative, generative periods. That's when I was first working out the PhD blog format, and I was trying to start the podcast, and I got paralyzed with both of them, because he came and witnessed me in that element, and he called it unwellness, and he doubled down on that masculine experience and said, You're sick. This isn't knowing. This isn't experiencing. This is disorder, and it validated all my worst fears. And so, of course, I made it Stockholm syndrome.

And so, of course, I instantly turned that into you. I guess I'm in love with them. Isn't that funny?

When actually it was just total gaslighting and harm and abuse and really hurt me and struck on all my worst fears. It was all my worst fears. It was some letting someone in and having them not only not see it, but be like, not only is that not real, like you're broken, you need help.

That masculine rationalist fucking, patronizing patriarchal bullshit, just because it's wrapped up in something nice, just because he's kind

doesn't make it any less gaslighting. So of course, they keep reaching out to him and then pulling back.

It's the whole fucking patriarchal paradigm playing again and again. You know what? We probably need to teach a workshop together. I

on the one hand, I had a real need for human validation, because I'm a person in a body.

But I also don't need some fucking man to tell me that what I know is real exists. I need to show him. We need to show them. We need to rein soul the world again. We don't need their fucking validations the other way around. Well, no, it's not. The other world doesn't need to be proven, Right? But

we need to help people remember, I

the other realm doesn't need me to prove it exists. It exists anyway I

Something's coming in now about conscious play. Yeah, can it be just for fun?

Maybe we try to prove it exists, just for fun. I it

just because it's fun to action it out and think about stuff. No, it's really sweet, actually, just for fun, just for funsies, maybe we come up with mathematical formulas and draw on cave walls and put on theatrical productions just because it's fun, just because it's fun to think about stuff and make stuff and run around in costumes like it used to with Bill. So

the pain makes it real. See what's here, and now he's there, and that doesn't make him any less present. In fact, it makes him more real. I think that's the thing.

It's at the heart of all of this. The other realm is more real actually, than this one, because it's always with you. It doesn't require you to physically transport your matter somewhere else to experience it. That's why this dimension is limited. It's the matter. And yet the matter is what allows you to feel this depth that is so profound. Yeah. How do you talk about this kind of mystery? And this is why I think what's resonating right now with what I'm doing are these experiences. Like, I don't want to just sit in a room and think about it anymore, and yet that's also, like, really fun. I do want to, like, do mathy thinky things, to try to prove it, because that is actually fun. But I don't think that's what fundamentally changes people. I don't think that's what fundamentally helps people heal, and that's what's most important about my life.

I don't know how to reconcile all these things, but like, there are people that do this, right? I mean, like Deepak Chopra, like he actually does transcendental shit and helps people heal. And he also does like, Inky shit and writes papers like, who says, We can't do it all. Who says, Add can't be a superpower. It's just about learning to focus and train the mind, huh? Master and the emissary who's serving you? Okay?

I'm just laughing like, What a stupid exercise. I spent an hour on this little giant train just to come back to Hmm. I guess we can do more than one thing. We just have to train the mind. Like every Buddhist everywhere just said, No fucking shit. I Oh, but it's more than that. You know, it's the jungle, it's the plant communion, like, that's the important element that's missing from a lot of Buddhism, but not all of it, because that's why I'm drawn to people like Ash and Acacia like because they study Mike Crowley and the secret drugs of Buddhism. And actually, the real history of Buddhism does involve plant communion and Anita muscaria is really at the heart of it. Like, I think we just forgot that all this shit used to be one thing. There didn't used to be dinky stuff and dewy stuff. I think in the very beginning there was no separation. And I mean, that is true. That is why astrology, right? Astrology was thinking stuff and and spiritual stuff at the same time. Like, the point is to solving the boundaries. The point is not to do all the things at once, like, the point is to collapse the boundaries and make it more and more. One thing again, I think maybe I think that's trans, is that we've done the separation. We've been the like, hey, we can do multiple things, and that maybe now the trans immersions and the work of. Of my incarnation, the next generation age Aquarian, is to collapse those boundaries, but from a new and broader, deeper perspective, with more light and more information and more darkness, night world and day world have to emerge into the Twilight. That's why the trans archetype is soccer ball. That's why those of us with Twilight charts, we're not one sect or the other, we have to be the priest exes and the guides and the Pied Pipers to lead the way forward into the past. Past meets presence is the mantra for a reason. I

but what does that look like? How do I do that? That's where I'm getting stuck. And the day of the creative genius strikes terror into my heart because I don't know how to convey this. I

I guess, like they say you're supposed to just gesture at the moon, but I'm hot for her, and I want to ripple her clothes off and put her on stage and be like, Look at her. Isn't she beautiful?

But that's exploitative, and I don't want to be a fucking capitalist pig anymore.

I want to be an animal in the forest Pharaoh and I am. I mean, there's a reason that my awakening and my return started with falling in love with a girl named Chandra. Hot for them. Oh my God, that's hilarious. All along it's been such a blatant double entendre, I didn't even see it. That's so funny. Hot for the moon. At the very beginning of my awakening, when I was just a baby. I don't even know if I'd met Christine yet or discovered Kundalini. I think it was No. It was when I just had I fell in love with a girl named Chandra the moon, and she helped me see that spirituality was real. She affirmed my experience. She said, Yes, I have communicated with these other realms. Yes, I have done these practices, and they work, and they helped me, and they opened me like she just basically was like, yeah, it's real. And you know, Bill was part of that too, because Bill was always witchy, and Bill may not have known how to channel it for healing, but he affirms that these other things were real, and so did Angela I

Lance and Justin, there were always these people who were, like our rationalist material daddies making sure our bodies didn't die, which is really important, but that's always how shamanism worked. There always was a minder keeping the physical body of the healer alive, because it actually is too much for you to do by yourself. That's what these other cultures teach us, and that's why Stephanie's validation was so important, and that's why actually apprenticing with these lineages is so important, and that's why I just pray and beg that on this pilgrimage I'm about to embark on, I will be adopted. I will be chosen to apprentice, please. I need the holding

in into the dead. I promise I will figure out how to express and share creatively what you need me to convey. I will be your Emissary. I will be your mouthpiece. Just show me how and help me hold my physical body through help me stay alive, and I will help you stay alive.

Let's help each other stay alive and.

Can we just do that? Can we all just stop dying for like five seconds in both dimensions?

Can we have a family meeting of the internal family system? It's been so weird, you know, I spent most of the past year and a half with Ralph's voice in my head, more days than that. And now he's dead. They're dead. Why do I keep fucking doing that, misgendering them in death? Fuck the body. Maybe had that expression that's not the fucking soul.

I need to explore this. Why do I all of a sudden lose the language when they die, trying

to hold on to them being material, I think, trying to keep them in this world by putting the binary on them. That's what it is, Denial of Death, not wanting to let go of them. I start misgendering because the binary is what we feel like makes us real. The culture told us a body was it's trying to put them back into their body. That's interesting, and that's the cultural resistance, maybe, to using these pronouns, fear of transcendence, wanting to hold on to our limited material existence, the colonists wanting to keep their power, people wanting to stay in a small world view. Yeah, people are afraid to transcend because we don't have the frameworks, we don't have the guidance, we don't have the culture anymore to support that we're remembering.

I just saw a moon pass around, an orb the Earth. It was really beautiful, like Native American. It was every culture's indigenous image combined in one, wow. That was beautiful. That was like a full blown DMT vision, because it lasted for only a second, but

wow, that was cool.

It was the planet that was the galaxies, it was the cosmos. It was the stars and planets. It was the forest and the ocean. It was everything at once, and the planetary bodies all passed around them. It was like a snapshot of the Earth, the Zodiac, that everything superimposed on top of everything, a DMT hyper object that is the earth. And I saw the moon, the sun, the planetary bodies all rotate around the outside of it as it rotated. It was the whole thing in a split second. That was fucking cool. Wow, thank you. See, like, I don't even know how to describe what I just saw, much less convey it to others. How do you do that? I guess that's the point. Just to try. I guess that's the point of any of it. Just to try, because it's fun in it, if you can shift your perspective,

the saint that is the fool, reminding us to laugh

a little more, but also that it's really serious when The pain is the portal. This is the laughter. Now I've just turned into a triteness factory. There's always a point in the ramblings which I just start saying really obvious shit, but it's because I think that's part of the journey. There's a point at which. It you just embody all the cliches. So can I be the elder that doesn't get irrelevant? Can I be the elder that can make the cliches fun and exciting? I want to help people experience these somatically, interconnectedly. I mean, I mean, that's like static dance, like, that's a fun, unique way to do it. I want to make DJ sets. I want to lead workshops. And I also want to go to the jungle for very long periods and just commune with the plants. And so I'm excited. And so I do see dads as an opening, and I thought it was longer than two weeks. And I'm actually, like, quite disappointed that it isn't.

I time isn't real, and it will be whatever it is. And I'm really excited for the opportunity to enter into relationship with the plant directly, and that's what it's about. It's not about staying busy. Isn't about bringing enough stuff that you'll have to do during this period. It's about entering into the dream, learning to speak the other language, just experiencing this other quality of time, and that's why Amanita is actually a perfect preparation, because that was my experience, that ceremony was just like pure liminality, dream time where you're not doing anything, you're not really thinking anything, like it was very much like the Bardo was Very much like the in between state, like you're just being and receiving, and I knew that I was receiving something important. But could I tell you what the fuck it was like? I didn't really bring much that was tangible back. Oh, that's not true. I mean, the whole queer Nutcracker poured out at the end of it. Maybe that was the beginning. It's the same thing, right? But the actual quality of the experience itself, it was very different. Mushrooms are like non stop information theory. But I this was just being receiving some other level. Yeah, that was the beginning of the plant language and the plant communion. And I think that's a lot of what dieta will be like.

Sounds nice, but like, I also want to get to the place where making stuff feels fun again. Like when I was a kid, I used to just sit and draw for like, eight hours a day. It was my favorite thing. Now it feels like a thing I have to make myself do for a to produce something. That's what I was trying to not make it all along. That's why I actually didn't go to art school. Isn't that funny? Somewhere I came up with a narrative that the world did it to me and took it from me, but actually I chose not to go to art school because I didn't want to ruin it. And here I am, and what I was afraid of was kind of happening, so, huh? Look at that. Maybe I always fucking knew all along, and that isn't that what it all just keeps coming back to that's fun,

old school roof down with a cacao I've always been in relationship with this plant.

But the point is now to strip away the need to be filtering so much through the body. Maybe, I don't know. Is it more or less body? You know, like you're both consuming less and thinking less, disappearing completely.

I think that's diet. I think that's the spiritual practice. It is dissolving both the body and the mind, isn't it? Dissolving the body, training the mind. That's what Ralph was doing. With us the whole time.

That's all any of it is really disappearing completely. I that

the purest being is getting rid of both the body and the mind, and yet we have to use those vehicles, because otherwise we don't exist on this dimensional plane anymore. I

Okay, now I'm getting to the point where I'm not saying anything useful. Thank you for the medicine, thank you for the reconnection, the reawakening, and my own inner knowing. I under knowing that's it. Oh.