it's bothering you, right? It's bothering you. And sometimes, you know, we can we can talk talk something over with a friend or a therapist or whatever, you know, for me, because I have access to a therapist, I talked to my therapist, and I'm like, What do I want to do? Like, is it you know? Is it her? I'm angry at am I angry at the whole situation? Or am I angry at this fat phobic world? Am I angry at the the fair for not providing me chairs? And might you know, what is what is going on here? What where are these emotions come from. And also anger is really helpful, because it tells me that some kind of barrier or boundary of mine has been crossed, you know, I don't feel good, something something has encroached on my mental well being and I'm angry, and I want to protect myself. So that's a good thing, right? That you, you have that, that anger to help direct you to what the problem is. And the problem could be just your sister in law is just oblivious, or your sister in law is rude, or your sister in law is embarrassed or you know, whatever it is. But the thing is, a lot of times we only know what's going on when we have a conversation with someone. And so because this is a sensitive topic, right? And your sister in law might be embarrassed, I would gently talk to her and say, Hey, how are you feeling about the fact that the chairs broke? Or you can just start and be like, You know what, it was so annoying that those chairs broke when they said the capacity was this and it's inappropriate that they lied about the capacity, that must have been really difficult for you to see the chairs breaking, how do you feel about it? And just see how you know what she says and you know, and then you can be like, you know, what, I feel really frustrated that I had to buy more. And that was really difficult for me, especially because, you know, had to ask my mum for money and, you know, then that didn't make me feel good. And, you know, that was a difficult situation for me and see what she says, you know, she might be like, Oh, I didn't know, can I contribute towards them? And then you can like, No, it's okay. Or you can say yeah, that would be helpful. Honestly, a lot of these situations, I feel like talking to the person really clears up a lot. And you clearly care about your sister in law you wouldn't have you wouldn't be thinking about this. You would have messaged me, right? So you clearly have have love for her or care for her. And, and care for yourself because you're you're providing solutions for yourself so that you have a level of comfort and, and safety so which is all wonderful things right? So I mean, it makes sense if you're angry you make sense that you're angry your sister in law, it makes sense if you're angry at any of the things that led up to this because it's a lot right. And if you work in maybe it's hot summer, right? Maybe it's hot, maybe it's busy. There's probably no aircon right and because you're probably out in the open maybe I don't know. I don't know when I think a fair I just think of renaissance fair. I just think of being out in a field and people wearing like hats and shit and like drinking out of horns and we know wearing wool. That's what it was like, gonna be like at any type of fair but that's what I think about when you say fair or fair could be like in England a fair is rollercoasters and shit. That's what a fair isn't in England. Anyway, which to that would be you know, lots of people stressful. So, sending lots of love to you, Valerie. And even if you decide, You know what, I'm just going to let it go, whatever, that's fine too. Whatever you decide to do to this situation is absolutely fine and in your right to feel the way that you feel. Okay, so let's go to a question from destiny that says how do I begin exploring gender as a fat person? I'm on the larger in the I'm on the larger in the fat spectrum, and I'm genderqueer I've been thinking about trying some things out but it feels daunting to figure out where to start. If I was assigned female at birth for context, so I like dresses, but I want to try out some masculine stuff too, but it feels a little daunting. Okay, great question from Destiny. Love it. So for me because I'm non binary, right? You know what, like, recently I felt a lot more at home in my gender. And I'm trying out more feminine things. I didn't want to say I don't like saying that word. Right in regards to me. Like, I feel like, it's just me like, it's not feminine. It's just me, but society would say it's feminine. I just felt uncomfortable about the whole thing. So, for me, I guess it was a couple of years ago, now that I came out as non binary. I would do think do little things that were not so scary because I don't want to go out and you know, be dressed in a in a masculine way. Because that felt like too much. But you know what, for me, the thing was baseball caps. So I'd never owned a baseball cap before. So I bought one. And, and, uh, no baseball caps. Every gender wears them. But for some reason, in my mind, that felt like something powerful, but also something that was easy. And people wouldn't be like, Oh, my God, why are you wearing a baseball cap, they just blow up this someone's wearing a hat. And putting it on backwards, like that felt like a little bit of mask edge. That felt good without being too scary. Other things like underwear, it could be that you decide to try a different style of underwear and like wear like boxers, for example. Or binding type, top for your chest. And it could be that you just do something at home, right. And then when you go out in public, you just dressed the way that you normally do. And I think another thing too, with being a larger fat person is to also go and find larger fat people who are gender queer or presenting their gender in a way way that feels more exciting for you. The first person that comes to mind is Jay from comfy fat travels. I did a whole list of of queer fat people didn't I shared on the podcast, and I yeah, I did. Let me see if I can find it. Do a search Jay. Come comfy fat. Here we go. Oh, yes, I did. Okay, so, Episode 164. Here's only a few episodes, I gave a list of fat, trans non binary mask people. And so going to see just go into look at them visually. And they're in the show notes. So if you want to find the links, easily just go to first fatty.com forward slash 164. And seeing like, how they're presenting themselves, and what things about, about them feels that it might be aligned to you. And it can be just really little things. And that people don't know, like, you know, the baseball cap, like no one would be like, oh, when he's exploring their gender, they're just like this someone wearing a baseball cap is it's no big deal. Or it could be something bigger. Or it could be something like somebody that still feminine but less feminine. You know, like instead of wearing high heels wearing a flat, you know, flat is less feminine but less hyper feminine, I guess. And as well like other things that you can do is go into what is that website called? Is the gender things gender changing room, gender dressing room, gender dressing room. And the you try it you can try on your pronouns. Pronoun dressing room. Yeah, okay. So, pronoun pronouns dot fields like a.com. And so you put your name in, you put your, your, whatever pronouns that you want to try on, and then they will give you a little story and so they'll be like, Vinny, he went there and he went and his favorite dog is this and Lala. And so that's how I worked out that they then worked on me because I put in some cheese. Because this was when I was still she, they, I put in some cheese and I put Victoria which was which was my past name. And I put in Vinny which is my name and and then when I read them out, I was like, No, I'm a I'm an A so pronoun dressing room up at the link for that into the show notes. Yeah, so it doesn't have to be a big kind of like, hey, here I am world. And also it can just be the thing is with gender, he might try this stuff, you know, you might go try a little bit a bit more mask stuff and just be like, oh, you know, and one day you might be like, Oh, I don't like being feminine. And one day, you might be like, You know what I've, I'm Sis, you know. And that's the thing is, it's just this beautifully evolving thing. And you don't have to commit to anything, right? You can say, I'm going to be more masculine today. And then tomorrow be hyper feminine. And it's all perfect and valid and beautiful and amazing. Right? So that's the first thing that we used to worry me is like, well, if I do this, and I have to commit forever, and then if I, if I don't feel like it, then people will be like you're faking or you're not real, you're not a real, non binary person, because you don't look like this or do this or whatever. That's it. That's all that's all just transphobia homophobia, and bullshit, right? Because we're this beautiful evolving creatures. And who knows where the folk, you know, I'm going to end up. I've identified as non binary for a couple of years now, and it feels great. I feel great. And I felt a lot more stressed before about it. And now I've just feel like, I feel good. I feel more secure in being able to be more feminine. But then other days, I'll be like, I want to be feminine groves. Yeah. So I must say that I bought myself. Two dresses. A couple of days ago. I sent one back, and I'm wearing one right now and is making me feel it's making me feel a bit funny, to be honest. It's so funny. No, it's an experiment, right? So it could be like you like dresses that you're going to wear them with boxes underneath, or you're going to wear them with a baseball cap. You might be like baseball caps are not masculine. But you know, for me, that's how my brain goes. So thank you destiny. I hope that helped. And then I'll put the links for those people in the show notes. Or, Yeah, I'll do that. And also, in case I forget, then you've got that missed 164. Okay, actually, you know what, I'm going to leave it here, because I've got a, we have one more question, but it's kind of a kind of a kind of a big one. So we'll leave that for next episode. So only five questions. But if you have a question, feel free to email me. And we'll do another one next month. Next week. If you would like to support me, that wouldn't make my little fat heart pitter patter. And I would really appreciate it. You can do that by going to Kofi and becoming a subscription. If you'd like to support me, but without money, you can put a review for the podcast, you can send me a nice little message that says Vinny you're so sexually attractive. Actually, if you send a message like that my my VA will probably delete it. Delete. You've been a group. Yeah, so Okay. Well, thanks for hanging out with me today. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day, whatever you're doing, and remember to stay FERS fatty and I will see you in a while rocket IO. Sent it. See, you know, well good now it's alligator. Oh my goodness. I'm such a silly. See you in a while. Alligator alligator. I'm gonna say it again. Anyway, bye bye.