2022-06-16 Wise to Emotions (4 of 5) Emotions as Messengers
7:31AM Jun 17, 2022
Speakers:
Gil Fronsdal
Keywords:
emotions
anger
deeper
pointing
stronger
message
attachments
helicopters
fear
discover
retreat
reaction
meditation retreat
messenger
relating
aversive
freedom
feel
respect
grief
Continuing the discussion about emotions. People have many attitudes towards their emotional life. Some people are shy of, or troubled by, their emotions. Some people do not pay much attention to them. Certain emotions are considered wrong or inappropriate to have. Or we have an aversive relationship to them. We are ashamed of having them. Some we are happy to have. Some we are delighted by and hold on to. There is a wide range of ways of relating to them.
In the dharma, in practicing with emotions, it is useful to respect all emotions, in the sense that all emotions have a place. Buddhist practice is not meant to negate, squash, or push away any emotion. In that greater respect and openness to experience the full range of emotions that we have, to come to healthy emotions, to come to a healthy relationship to emotions, and a healthy source for emotions.
One way to relate to emotions for this purpose is to see all emotions, provisionally at least, to be a message. All emotions are pointing to something. We do not want to kill the messenger, before we have seen the message, even after we see the message. Think of emotions as pointing to something that is deeper.
Some emotions arise out of other emotions. Some emotions come together with other emotions. The predominant emotion might be grief, but mixed in there might be a sense of guilt, some shame, or anger. It is part of the whole complex of how we are feeling at a particular time. Maybe we focus mostly on the grief. We might sense the other ones are there, but we feel somehow it is wrong to have those. But they are part of the complex. Maybe they are a needed part of the complex. They all point to something.
If we see all these emotions as being messengers, pointing to something, then it can be easier to respect them, and take time to get to know them more. If we take some emotions like anger, in and of itself, without being connected to something deeper, then we can have an aversive relationship to anger. We can feel ashamed for having it, upset about ourselves, or something. But if we see anger to be a message, then we ask, "What is going on here? What is it pointing to more deeply?"
In the broadest terms, some emotions arise out of attachment. They arise out of something we are holding on to and clinging. The message might be, the pointer is to discover, "What are we attached to here?" Getting caught up in the anger by itself, relating only to the anger, if we do that we are missing the deeper message, a deeper understanding. If we look and see the anger represents something. It is a manifestation of something deeper. "What might that be?"
In terms of other emotions, it might be that we are hurt. Being hurt is more primary than the anger, which is secondary. We are allowing the anger to point back to the hurt. That might be what really needs our attention – what we want to practice with. Because it is more primary, that is somehow the source that is prompting the anger.
It might be that what underlies anger is fear. If we just stay with the anger, blame someone, get angry with someone, we will not feel the fear. We will not recognize that we are afraid as well. Recognizing the fear does not make us weak and the anger make us strong. Recognizing the fear can actually give us a lot of strength, if you learn how to be with fear in a useful, productive way. Then we are more connected to what is primary. We are coming home to a deeper way. Now we know what needs to be taken care of. We know better what needs to happen.
Both hurt and fear may be related to something even deeper. Those are messages too. What is going on that is more deep here? That is where there might be attachments, and there might not be attachments. If there are attachments, clinging, then that is what we want to see in this practice. That is really the heart of moving towards freedom – to see where we are caught.
If we are not attached and caught, then below the fear and hurt, there might be something that is really precious. Something that is tender or loving, appreciative or grateful about this life – what is going on here. There might be some deeper place of being at home, that makes us feel more vulnerable. Rather than avoiding the vulnerability, tenderness or love, the dharma task is discover how to find strength in that. How to find ease with that. How to be wise about that, so we can stay in touch with that, as we go through our lives.
Whatever the emotion might be, it should be respected. What "respect" means, how I understand the etymology of the word, is "to look again," "to inspect again." To re-spect, take a second or third look, and really spend time getting to know this experience. "What is this?" Be available to feel or sense, "What else is happening here?" "What might it be pointing to?" "What might it be coming out of?" Not so much to analyze what it is. This is why mindfulness is so helpful. We are available to notice what is going on in the cracks of it. What is going on underneath it?
If we open up the attention more widely, beyond the secondary emotion or the thing that is strongest, look at what it is pointing to, then we might start seeing deeper and deeper sources and processes that are going on. In this way, we are respectful.
What is the message? Even the most difficult, challenging, painful, even inappropriate emotions that we might feel, the stronger they are, the more they represent something important for us to delve into and see what is going on. There probably is some strong attachment, some strong clinging to something. The stronger the reaction – despair, grief, anger, whatever it might be – the more it actually is a messenger.
It is hard to take this idea in sometimes when the strength of our reaction or emotions has a lot to do with the terrible things that are being done to us or are happening in the world. I do not want, in any kind of way, to say that we are responsible for our emotions, because there are terrible things that happen to us. The stronger the reaction we have, the richer, more important, opportunity there is. The bigger the reaction, the deeper in our psyche, our mind and hearts, the attachments might be. The stronger the reaction, the more it is a doorway into understanding the depth of what is going on.
I have seen this a lot of times on retreats. On a meditation retreat, we try to make it a safe place for everyone, but occasionally something happens that is not so safe. The very thing we are trying to protect people from happens.
I remember once we were renting facilities in kind of a university. There was a fire in a distant building of the university. There were firefighting helicopters that came flying over really close to us, with a lot of noise and maybe some smoke. There was a woman at the retreat – this was many years ago now – who still had a traumatic legacy from growing up with the bombings in Europe during World War Two. The sounds of the helicopters, the noise, and everything seemed so much like what she was familiar with, that had been so troublesome, she got really frightened. Because she was in a meditation retreat, she kept practicing with it. Going deeper and deeper, and discovering where the knot was – where she was still knotted up, holding herself in fear, and protecting yourself unnecessarily. It was able to let go.
On retreat is a very special environment – the stronger the reactivity, the more it points to something really deep, sometimes. Sometimes we are seeing the message of respecting emotions, we are respecting our love, kindness, compassion, to give it time. When we connect to that, and use that as a message to what is deeper, maybe we connect that to our freedom. We feel, we see, "Ah, this goodwill I have, this compassion I have, is arising out of freedom." The freedom may be the greatest gift we can give. To connect to that sense of freedom that we have discovered, and let that be the vehicle for our care of the world.
You might try this. Whatever emotions you have today – if it is safe and appropriate – maybe step away a bit to be on your own, and reflect more deeply. "What is this a message of?" "What it is pointing to?" "If this is a messenger, what is more intimate, deeper, more important here? What can I discover?" Maybe all emotions are pointing to something deeper than themselves.
