I was overcome with the knowledge that I was experiencing God and it was in everything and everyone, including me, and a sense that deep down, all there was was love. This was the psychic change the steps had promised, and it made it possible for me to continue with the next difficult steps, steps eight and nine had become willing to make amends to all I had harmed, and then make those amends, amends that previously I had been dreading, some of which I was sure I could never make, especially those that had also done me a perceived harm, like my father. But now we're facing all these amends. My only concern was not to further harm anyone in the making of them. This process helped me move forward into my new self. I can't stress stress enough. How this changed me for sure, there are habit forces that stuck around and I wasn't washed as clean as snow, but the willingness and drive to do better and be better was there. I was suddenly much less interested in material gain and more concerned with the with living life, with living a life of service. I realized, if I wanted to be forgiven or forgive myself for all the things I had failed at. I had to forgive others. This was especially true when it came to my dad and being a father of myself, the psychic change promised by the steps that occurred. The meetings had given me hope, but the steps had given me freedom, freedom from my old self and freedom from alcohol. For me, the final three steps are all about how I keep this freedom. Step 10, continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. Step 11 sought, through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for his will for us and the power to carry that out. And Step 12, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Meditation, or specifically Zen practice, is the bedrock of how I keep this freedom. It keeps me open and honest, first with myself through awareness, and then to others in right speech and right actions. Not long after completing my steps the first time I went on my first seshin a two day. I can't remember who was leading it, but I do remember who I met there for the first time. Soon as I walked through the front doors of the retreat center, I was met by a woman who asked if I was ready, I replied, As ready as I'll ever be, to which she left. It was with that laugh, smile and kind eyes I fell in love. That woman, of course, was Leela. That seshin was very hard for me, not just the physical pain, but mainly being alone with myself and my mind for two days in silence. I didn't really like myself, and certainly didn't like being in my own company. It was uncomfortable and painful being aware of my thoughts. There were, however, moments of space that practice created, and feelings that arose of contentment and gratitude, feelings I was not familiar with. I found practice this path and this Sangha and there was hope. I remember thinking, These people are crazy. This is crazy. I can't wait till this is over. I'm never going to do this again. I. But by the time it ended, I was hooked and couldn't wait to sign up for my next one. I've only missed a handful of seshin since. They were always hard, and I hated a good portion of them, but something kept me coming back. I don't think it was just leela, although that certainly helped to begin with. With the hope of seeing leela, I start coming to Arnold park as well as Chapin Mill to volunteer and participate in the sittings. I just wanted to be at the center and involved as much as I could, because around this time, my dad became sick with multiple myeloma.