Welcome to the universe is your therapist. We are your hosts, Dr. Amy Hoyt, and Lena Hoyt. We are sisters. Take a seat and let's dive into this week's episode.
Hi, everyone, welcome back to another episode of the universe is your therapist, we are glad you're here today. With the holidays coming up, we have nine tips or tricks to ensure that you can have a more peaceful holiday gathering with loved ones and family. The first one that we have is to have accurate or realistic expectations. And what that looks like is it looks like remembering things accurately from the past. And so if in the past, Auntie Joan got drunk and started yelling at people, then this Christmas, you're going to remember that it is possible that Auntie Joan might do that again. And so we're not. When we talked about lowering expectations or having accurate expectation expectations. We're not talking about going in with pessimism, we're talking about being realistic about what holiday gatherings oftentimes look like in your family, and then setting our expectations based on that. Because if we have expectations that are unreasonable, that are based on magical thinking, what happens is we become more and more internally distressed. When the event or the occasion doesn't look the way our magical thinking has it mapped out in our imagination. So as always, we're interested in helping you with your emotional regulation, and helping you stay within your window of tolerance emotionally. And so having an accurate or realistic expectations is one of the great tips for doing that. And the second one is to have clear communication with your partner or spouse. And to have a an idea of how long you will be at various houses during this holiday season. And sometimes it is helpful to have a neutral place to gather. And people are oftentimes reluctant to do this. But when you have a neutral place to gather, it actually changes the dynamic and can really bring some relief to the situation. Our third one is to stay focused on serving and helping others during this holiday time, not to the detriment of yourself. But because as we take a look at others who are less fortunate than ourselves, or ways that we can serve and help others, it helps us be less intent on our own internal process. And it helps take us out of those ruminating thoughts about how things should be. And so being able to consciously and intentionally carve out some time to stay focused on something outside of yourself, or a way that you can help or serve others can be very helpful. That can apply to your holiday gathering as well. Also, we are number four is Don't take the bait. And when I'm working with families or parents, with teens or with couples or partners, I always talk about it as if it's a dance, and they're inviting you to engage in an old dance step. And you can politely and respectfully decline. One way you can do this is by changing the subject. Another way you can do this is by is by kind of agreeing with them or telling them that that might be true, or that could be right, and then moving on. And then another way you can do that is by saying I really wanted I really want to stay focus to me on the present. And that can be very helpful. It doesn't mean that the person you're engaged with will automatically engage in the present. But it those are some tips and tricks that you can use to try to stay within your window of tolerance when you're around loved ones and people who you have a history with. The fifth one is no teasing. And a lot of times when families get together they fall back into their old roles. John Bradshaw, who wrote in the 90s has a brilliant book about families and the roles that families Play. And it's fascinating because he talks about the hero, he talks about the invisible child, he talks about the scapegoat. And for some of you, it may be helpful to get a copy of that from your library or at a bookstore or on your electronic reading device, and do some skimming of that, because it can be really helpful in being aware of the dynamics that may be happening in your family at some of these gatherings. The sixth one is stay out of the past, that is extremely difficult to do. Especially when we're back with family members, there is a tendency to reflect or reminisce in quotes. And a lot of times what that involves is things from the past where somebody did something funny, or awkward, or sometimes if there's alcohol or substances abused during the family gathering, there can be times that people bring up that were that were upsetting to them in the past. And if we stay focused on the present, and we say to people, that we are really interested in having a an interaction or an event that doesn't include the past, that can be helpful, it doesn't mean that your loved ones or family members will agree with you. But it's a great way of doing your part to try to stay within your window of tolerance. Number seven, is when you're in the situation to think or before you go to the situation or the event, actually, is to think of three things that you really like or enjoy about the people you're going to see. And if we're stressed and nervous, and we're worried about how the event will go, that can be very hard to do. But when you intentionally think of three things that you appreciate or like about that person, it actually helps lower your fight or flight response and puts you more firmly into your prefrontal cortex or your wise mind. And so, all of these tools and tricks are things that you can do, because we don't have any control over anyone else. And the goal is not that you try to get other people to behave the way you want them to. The goal is that you keep yourself in good emotional regulation, despite what people do. Number seven is limit alcohol and drugs. Again, this is something that only you can do. If you have a family that likes to celebrate with alcohol or substances, then the only thing you can do is to do your part to stay connected to your prefrontal cortex to your wise mind. And that also can be a time when you think about meeting in a public place because that can help limit some of that if you have a family that tends to celebrate exuberantly. Number eight, validate this is a very hard concept for humans. And validation looks like understanding without agreeing. When I validate somebody, I'm doing my part to understand that, given the circumstances, and given their past experiences and the way they see the world, it might make sense that they are saying or doing something. And when I say to somebody, oh gosh, you're really stressed out because you're worried mom will criticize the pies. That's a validation, it doesn't mean that I agree that mom will criticize the pies. And it's, it's the ability to to understand without agreeing. And by the way, my mom is the only one who makes pies. So no one criticizes the bias because she's an awesome pipe maker.
Okay, um, number nine, I think this might be the key to the whole thing. And that is the phrase. Notice without judgment, as we notice, without judgment, we're noticing what's happening inside ourselves. We're noticing either a physical or emotional state, we're noticing our thoughts. And we're noticing those without beating ourselves up for them. When somebody else behaves in a way that we find upsetting or distressing, if we can do the best we can to notice without judging them. That can be really helpful when we go into our judgment mind So that puts us firmly in our fight or flight part of our brain, and shoulds saying the word should or thinking the word should, is a judgment. It's one of the least productive words, we have, in my opinion in the English language. So, if you're using a lot of shoulds, in your thoughts, and this might might be even subconsciously, if you're engaged in a lot of shoulds, verbally or in your thinking, you are going to be distressed, because your thinking is not accepting what's currently happening. And it's placing expectations on the event or on the person or yourself that aren't happening right now. So the expectations aren't serving you. And as we get better at noticing what's happening in our thoughts in our body, and in our exchanges with people, and we are able to do that with benevolent curiosity. We have more emotional regulation. And if you can try some of these and see if any of them work or if there are a few that you think will work better than others. Go ahead and, and practice, you can practice that leading up to the holidays. Practicing noticing without judgment is really, really challenging because it happens automatically in our subconscious brain. But the better we get at it, the more calm our brain and body can be. We hope that these are helpful for you as you go into the holiday season. It is possible to love people and still be driven crazy by them. And we hope that you will tune in to future podcasts, please go to www dot mending trauma.com For additional resources, and we wish you all the best during the season.
Thank you for listening to the universe's your therapist this week. If you have any questions or looking for more information, you can find us at mending trauma on Instagram, as well as mending trauma.com Our website and if you're enjoying our content, we'd love it if you could rate review and subscribe to the show. We'll see you all next week.
