Episode 46

Steff Gallante31min

Steff Gallante

00:00

Hey there. Welcome, welcome back. How was life landing for you today in your part of the world. I'm feeling so many things. And I feel like I just want to jump right into the shit we need to talk about this week, which is the fact that self love the term self love has, to me really become a commodity, it's become something that dominant culture really likes to sell, glorify, I feel as though as we've talked so much about in the last year, for those of you who've been around the podcast for a while, or even just recently found it, right, we've talked about how dominant culture has just made self care out to be, you know, bubble baths, and chocolate cake, and, you know, possibly a night out with friends, maybe, you know, a Netflix kind of binge night, and self care, absolutely. 100% can be those things, right. But what we've been talking about is how really self care is, you know, all the things that we do for ourselves, throughout the day, all the ways we show up to our care, also in saying no, and holding boundaries and asking for what we need. And, you know, so much of just the small and even mundane things that we do for ourselves. That's all self care, right? I know, I don't need to really explain this to you. But I'm saying all this because I feel as though, you know, within so many different spaces, whether is the you know, dominant cultures fitness and wellness industry, even within yoga spaces. I mean, we talk a lot about self love, we talk about, you know, being kind to ourselves, we talk about offering grace and compassion, I'm talking about it all the damn time. I mean, it's one of the key foundational pieces of Ayurveda. And I have to be honest, that this is something that I really see people struggle with. And it's not to say that most people don't believe they are worthy of their own love that they are worthy, or deserving of their own love, right. But I do think that it is a place where me be maybe, for some of us, maybe not all of us, were the foundation might be a little shaky. So listen to like, Just Just hear me out here. Lately, I've been thinking about the word friendship, in place of self love. And considering that Valentine's Day is this week, if you're listening to this, the week it drops, I thought it was you know, a bit of a timely topic to talk about. And so I want to start with a question that I really want you to consider. And it may be one that you've never considered before, or maybe not in a while, but what kind of friend are you to yourself? Are you a real one, you know, as they say, and here's the thing. I don't just mean when it's easy, right? Like when you're crushing it out there in life, you know, when you're doing all the things, or when it's time to go into protection mode, because, you know, no one messes with your friend. And so of course, if someone's doing wrong, you're gonna, you know, show up all, you know, lie in Ambarish, hopefully. But I'm really talking about in the messy moments in the moments where you make mistakes, or you fall short. Or when you feel vulnerable, or when doubt creeps in about whether or not you can do the damn thing. Are you a real friend to yourself in those times? Are you a real friend to yourself when you need to hear the truth or speak the truth, even when it's hard? Are you a real friend to yourself a true friend to yourself? When you start to bypass yourself or gaslight yourself? Do you treat yourself the way that you treat your friends, the people you choose to be with? Another reality is I want to speak to this because you know we always have to be in the real right. Resources are low right now for so many of us as we navigate so much of the awful stuff going on in the world. We're feeling squeezed for energy, motivation, time, money and brain cells and maybe even other things too. Right. And you might be finding that like in this conversation, or maybe this is something that you've been thinking about already, that you know, perhaps in this place in your relationship with yourself right now that maybe you're not being a great or an attentive friend. And you know what? That's okay, right? Because remember, in this space in these spaces where I hold them, where I'm opening space for us to come together and community, there is zero room for shame or guilt, right? Because all relationships go through rough patches, even the ones with ourselves, for real. And also, what I know for sure is that no matter what's going on in the world, in our communities, and in our personal lives, and really, because of all that, we have got to be real friends to ourselves. And friends, your friendship with yourself needs to include self acceptance, and non judgement, period. Because you know, the definition of friendship, the root of it is respect, trust and understanding. And a reminder to you not that you need it, but in case you do, you're deserving of that no matter what. I truly believe that friendship, right, that is based on respect, trust, and understanding. These are the building blocks for unconditional self love. And so when I say that I'm over the word, self love, is because I really even for us who are liberation focused folks, even those of us who are working so hard in towards social change, in whatever aspect we're doing it, that we, we do love ourselves, we are kind to ourselves, we are compassionate to ourselves. But I know for me, and it's probably the same for you, or for some of you, or maybe to an extent, where I'm really hard on myself, and I can be really mean to myself, and I can have really unfair expectations of myself that I would never have of a friend. And I would you know, if I, honestly, if when I stepped back, and I think about it, if I were to see my friend have the expectations of themselves, that I do have myself I'd be like, Are you like, for real right now? How much do you really feel like you should be getting done in a day? I mean, how much do you really feel is fair to have on your plate? Right? Like, all these different? I mean, these are just examples. But when I really think about it from that aspect, like would I call out my friend for doing this to themselves? The things I'm doing to myself? I would hope so. So I don't know, I just wanted you to think about that. Because it's something that has been on my mind a lot lately. If you've been around the show for a while, you know that my dad passed away unexpectedly in November, and we are just reeling from this. And life is hard right now. And so much is coming to light for me in terms of my own self care, and just the way I move through life. And, you know, even in this aspect, it's, you know, I'm judging for my judging myself for the way I'm moving through this phase of my life. Often I'm questioning myself, and this all came about, because like last week, you know, I was thinking about it, and just how I was being with myself, I was thinking about my work in the world. And, you know, I was realizing that if you asked me Do I love myself, I would absolutely say yes, there is a there was a time where no, the answer was no, for sure. Right? There was a time in my life where that answer was no. But I do love myself at the same time. I don't think it's unconditional. I think it's very conditional, and oftentimes conditional based on you know, my success based on where I've messed up. And that's not fair. Right? If I truly love myself, and if I'm truly being a friend to myself, I'm not gonna say mean things because the reality is if you say mean things to your friend, you're gonna apologize because that's shitty. You can say like, you could be real with someone without being mean. And for me, one of the, the biggest

Steff Gallante

09:28

ways that I fall short when my relationship with myself is how mean I can beat myself and how I can set myself up for failure because I'm not believing in myself. Right? Because I failed before or, you know, fell short of the short of the mark before you know, and that's not kind that's not loving. Right? So anyway, enough about me. I share that just so you know, because I find that you know, when it comes to the fitness and wellness, field health and wellness This field, you know, there tends to just be this persona that is out there from professionals in the industries. And oftentimes these people can seem like they've got it all together, and there's an air of perfection. And, of course, there's privilege involved in, in a lot of cases, not all. But I think, you know, I like to be real, and, and talk about my messiness, and talk about my vulnerabilities and talk about my experiences. Because, you know, I want you all to know, you know, for me, like I'm documenting, in real time, just, you know, with all of you and oftentimes the stuff we talked about here on the show comes from that, right, my own experiences. And, you know, I'm figuring if I'm going through this, there's got to be somewhere. Let's go through this too. So, you know, if you've been in a little bit of a rut, with your friendship with yourself, if you could maybe use a tune up. I'm offering to in this week's episode, some self care practices that will meet you there. And the only rule of engagement that I ever have is to be kind to yourself, be gracious to yourself, be compassionate to yourself. Now, in January, we discussed a topic of practice called juicy January. And this comes from Mia Birdsong, who encourages us to engage in practices that are fluid, deep, pleasurable, nourishing, sustaining, supporting your resilience, things that are sensual, things that activate your sense in a good way. And Mia says juicy is a way of loving yourself. It's not the shit that makes you feel good in the moment, but it's actually dehydrating, juicy habits, practices, actions, et cetera, take care of you. And you can find more info about this on her Instagram page at Mia birdsong. And so, you know, you know, I love asking you questions, what makes you juicy? This is not the first time I've asked you this question, right? If you've been around the show. But since we're often talking about practices that are nourishing, like we are labeling, like, you know, what nourishes you, we always talk about practices from a sustaining aspect, a supportive aspect, right? So I'd really like to focus on some of the other words that mean it includes fluid, deep pleasurable, sensual, right, those things that activate your sense in good ways. Because remember, and I'll say this all the time that pleasurable and sensual, yes, they can be words that are connected to sex, right, that are connected to intimacy, right, as an intimacy with others, but I really want you to think about, you know, intimacy with yourself, I want you to think of things that are that bring you joy, that bring you enjoyment, like, pleasure. It could be sexual pleasure with yourself, but I mean, like, just remember that that word sensual and pleasurable, are not words that are just oriented to intimacy or sex. They can be, but they don't have to be. And so what might some of these things be for you? What are some hydrating practices for you? That might be for February, that might be for the winter, that might just be for this phase of your life. Because in this world we're living in where we are really being challenged mentally, emotionally, physically and energetically every goddamn day, every day. Friend, this is such an important inquiry to make within yourself. Right because we can find ourselves kind of going through the motions just trying to keep up just trying to get through the day. And sometimes we may find that this thing that we really like to eat or this tea we like to drink. I'm just labeling things right like it can be anything. This workout we like to do the show we like to watch it all of a sudden we're just not interested. It's not giving us the same whatever it gave us yesterday. And that can be frustrating. And so I encourage you to notice when maybe something is not bringing you the joy or whatever it is you got out of it and use that as permission to explore something else. Right It just may not be hydrating not as in like water hydrating yes, we want to do that. But hydrating isn't like re hydrating, plumping you back up, giving you back your goodness re juvenile eating your vibe, your Essent right, all that stuff. Before I'd like to go on though, I'd like to take a moment to ask you if you're feeling any resistance or discomfort Robert, in this conversation, and if you're not awesome, if you are awesome, let's acknowledge it, and maybe even examine it if you've got some capacity right now. And I'll ask you, what's coming up for you? What are the truths? And what are the lies, you might even write these prompts down, right? Please feel free. If you're feeling resistance to the idea of doing things that are pleasurable to you, when you know so many people who are maybe people that you don't know, but there are people out there who are going through such difficult and horrifying times they raised to be expected, we can often be like, Well, why don't it's not fair that I get to do this for myself when so many other people are suffering out in the world. Of course, that's, that makes complete sense. And, also, it is our duty to do that. Because if we are in a place of privilege to be able to care for ourself in this way, it's so that we can continue to show up for the fight in the support of others. Right. So when the resistance comes up, remind yourself of the truth of the practice that you want to do. Remind yourself of its value, remind yourself of its effect, and how it's going to support you in your endeavors, whatever your endeavors are, and maybe even how it has already supported you. You know if you've done it before, and all of this will help you move through the discomfort of doing the practice when you're feeling self conscious about it, and when life is getting in the way for real now, yoga philosophy offers us a Yama which is our practice of ethical disciplines, it's our sense of integrity is a focus on our behavior and how we're conducting ourselves in life and in this Yama that I want to talk about today there because there are five is a stay up and that translates to non stealing. Now, lots of wonderful teachers out in the world have also created some you know other thoughts about this taking non stealing obviously beyond not stealing something from someone right. But not taking more than what you need or that is freely offered. And this goes beyond material things right this is on all levels of our existence, this is energy this is time I mean, all the things right? A stay a cause us to mindfully choose what we consume, take need and desire. And for me, this directly relates to our self friendship and self love. For real, right, because how are we if we are not, if we are taking if we are consuming if we are taking if we feel like we need or we are desiring stuff that are actually harmful for ourselves? How is that living in friendship with yourself? How is it living in love with yourself? You know, right? Now, I want to be very clear that because I know oftentimes, we can be hard on ourselves with what we decide to eat or drink. Or when we don't hold boundaries, sometimes we have to move our boundaries number one, and that's okay. You're a grown ass person, you can decide to move your boundaries. And if in hindsight, you're like, Shit, I shouldn't have done that. Well, then you do better next time, make a different decision. Fine. Now, I you all know I don't talk about food a lot, because it is a very complicated topic with people. But I want to be very clear that when I talk about consuming things, I don't just mean food. And I also am not here to judge the foods that you eat. I am not going to villainize any food, I'm not going to tell you chocolates bad or anything else. I'm not. I'm not because I think all food serves its purpose purpose, unless you have some sort of allergy or some sort of health condition where some eating certain things are is a detriment to you. Right. So I want to be very clear that when I say consume, I mean beyond food and drink. I mean, like consumers and like social media and news, depending on what you're taking in, right, your experiences all with all these things that we can possibly consume from the world.

Steff Gallante

19:27

So my questions to you here are some considerations for you are, what if you stopped robbing yourself of precious time? Doing things that don't matter? Or are a result of avoidance? Fear or scarcity? What if you stopped robbing yourself of time or energy worrying? Stressing pushing forward and y'all know what I mean? Pushing like, damn, when you should just like Maybe take a step back for a moment, and then clear your head and then get back in. When maybe procrastinating or avoiding something you don't want to do or deal with. What if you stopped doing that? Maybe it all together, we're works in progress. But in some instances what if and what if, in the moments when you notice you are doing that, that that is the time when you decide to do something that is hydrating for you. Just something to consider. Now I or vana yoga is sibling science offers us a pillar of self care that really helps us to build and fortify our foundation of friendship, aka self love, right. And that's with practices that help us to strengthen our digestive power. Now, just like I was talking about with consuming, it's important to note here that when we're talking about digestion, of course, food and drinks, right, and beyond that experiences, we have emotions, thoughts, etc. Because we want to break all of that down, use what will be supportive, and then eliminate the waste, so that it doesn't remain within us fester and cause imbalances that mess with us mentally, emotionally, physically and energetically. Because then anything that remains, and fester than imbalances that are present will then mess with our capacity to understand ourselves to respect ourselves and trust ourselves a low self love, self friendship, right, especially when it counts. And then that messes with how we show up in the world and in our communities. So some of the practices that I or betta offers us to strengthen our digestive power are and not limited to meal timing and sizes of meals are morning routine, self love acts throughout the day, and slowing down and pausing more often. Now, I've talked a lot about these things in previous episodes. And so you could definitely check them out any of the episodes as they you know, strengthen your digestive power or morning routine. And so I just want to touch on them a little bit here. But I'm not gonna go into big detail. Now when it comes to meal timing and the size of meals. Eating on a regular schedule helps us helps to keep us fueled, right, which is, of course going to support our mental clarity and emotional stability. Of course, again, I'm not going to get into any conversation here about telling you what to eat, because that is very nuanced, and complicated for many people, and rightfully so. Right, because holy shit, the you know, the whole world is just dominant culture has really made a mess of eating for us. Something I want to encourage you to do, though, if if you have are at liberty to do this for yourself is to have your biggest meal at lunchtime, and a smaller meal than that for dinner. Because then that'll give you the time to have have you be properly digested. By the time you're going to bed, which I know is different. You know, that's the opposite in American culture, right. But by doing this, and allowing yourself to be fully digested after that big meal at lunch, and then a smaller dinner, it makes for more peaceful sleep and better cell regeneration so that you're more healed and refreshed when you wake up. Now when it comes to morning routine or morning rituals, this is a very big player in Ayurveda self care, it is one of the biggest foundational pieces of aerobatic self care. And when it comes to this aspect of your life, I'm wondering, how can you deepen or shift your relationship with the practices you're doing or something you want to do? And since we're in the winter season, right now, I'm wondering do you have variations based on, you know, variations to these practices you do in the morning based on the energy that's happening out in nature, and how that leaving you feeling, whether that's withdrawal energy, when Kapha energy is big time or unsettled energy when vata energy is pretty big. Because it's really important to be able to meet yourself based on that. Because if you know, if you're feeling unsettled, then you might benefit from something slower, more grounding. But if you only have in place, things that are faster and really uplifting, that could be aggravating for the unsettle energy, say and vice versa, for the doll energy, right? You don't want to necessarily do something grounding and slow because then that's going to maybe exacerbate that. So just consider that. Now when it comes down to comes to sorry, when it comes to slowing down and pausing more often I know even for us who know that rest is important. We know that, you know slowing down and pausing is important. I know it's still tough. So I encourage you still to let this be super duper simple. It could simply be slowly exhaling after sending an email or putting the final period on a document you've been right Reading, maybe closing your eyes for a beat, or turning the music up when a banger comes on, right? Whether you're at your desk, or you're doing some home related chore, it could be drinking your coffee or having your lunch away from your computer. I mean, it can be so literally so many freaking different things. Right? It can be so many different things. And, and again, when I was talking about earlier, like it can be things that we really think are mundane, or that won't be, you know, really big an impact, but that's not true. Okay. And remember, even though if you're in this space, I know that you know, the grind isn't for us, right? The grinds are not for you, the grind is not for me. And also slowing down pausing. It really is a personal thing. Right? It's a personal process that for sure is affected by social identity, lived experiences and current responsibilities. And so I thought I'd offer you something, instead of telling you all the ways you could slow down, right. I thought I'd offer you something that I've been doing for myself recently. And I don't know if you noticed about me. But typically, I am super focused on my to do list, you know, getting as much done as possible in a day for myself. And I've grown involved in that and being compassionate and all of that. But still, I can be hyper focused on it. You know, getting these things done for myself, my family, my work. But lately, something I've been doing is instead of asking myself, did I do enough? I've now flipped the focus away from the to do list and towards the things I want to do for myself. So now the question is, Have I blanked Enough Eat and drank, rested, move my body gotten outside whatever it is drink water enough? And not from a place of judgment, a place of curiosity? Like a check in with myself, have I done this? Have I done this enough? For what I need to do today? Right? Like, have I rested enough for what I need to do today? And remembering that whether it's rest or anything else, it doesn't have to be 25 minutes or an hour, right? It can be short, bouts, short bursts. Because the reality is, right, the reason I find this practice of asking myself, have I done these things that I want to do these things I know I need to do in order to show up to my work, my family, my responsibilities, etc? is because the reality is whatever I've done, it's enough. In theory, it is maybe not in terms of society's ridiculous standard standards, or even the standard I've set for myself, right? Because the reality is, it's rare that I'll actually say, Yeah, I did enough. I don't know if that's you do. But like rarely I'm like, Yeah, stuff, you know, you did enough, go rest. No, there's always something else to do. And I can often have a lot of guilt around that and shame. And that's something I've been really trying to heal within myself. Right? Because, you know, we know society's expectations and offs. Also, I'd like you to just kind of maybe get curious about what your expectations are. And I know it's hard. Right? This is hard because you've got competing priorities, right? But But I want you to consider this, when you get sick, when you get injured, or when something happens, that forces you to slow down. And you don't get as much done. Doesn't it still happen somehow, that usually most times whoever is in your immediate circle that you are responsible for whatever is in your immediate, you know, circle that you are responsible for. Everyone has what they need, or most of what they need. Right? Things may not be perfect by any stretch of the imagination, right? But somehow, what needs to get done gets done. And so really, when when I say slow down, I'm talking about the sense of urgency we have around everything

Steff Gallante

29:30

so what questions do you have? Where do you need support? Remember, you can always connect with me in a release the pressure call. This is where we sit down in real time on Zoom. And we talk about what you're experiencing in life and how you want to be experiencing life. And we talk about ways to just release that pressure cooker feeling and allow the practice to be very accessible. To you, sustainable and you know, based on the amount of time you've got, what responsibilities you've have right now, and you know your available energy. And I have to be honest, yes, you could do this on your own 100%. But I don't know, I find that you know, when I get to talk in real time, with my coach or, you know, mentors, it just, somehow those people have a way of clearing the brush away, of, you know, making clarity happen a lot sooner than I can. And often they clear out the BS, they clear out the doubt, the overwhelm, right, like all of that, and that way I can move forward without the guilt, the shame, the shoulds in the judgment, and my hope is the same would be for you. So I just want to encourage you and remind you the ease that you're looking for, it's possible. And so if you're like, damn, yes, now I got to do this. Had to Steff gallante.com/release-the-pressure-call. And we can get that going. Until next time, my friend, please, please, please be kind and gentle to yourself, just like you would to those who are most precious to you, your loves your friends, your chosen family. Whether that is humans, animal babies or plants. And remember, I love to hear from you. I'd love to hear about your thoughts. I'd love to hear about your questions. I'd love to hear about your arguments. I'd love to hear your arguments for anything I've said. And so please share them with me. And I would love it if you would leave a review or rating wherever it is that you listen because that just helps for other people to find this and know what to expect. So my friend remember you are a badass and you are enough now go be your favorite self and be well

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