Today we're going to talk directly about toxic work environments and taking work home, we will explore the possibility to set boundaries with our inner dialogue and our own inner expectations, especially in those situations where we find more taking work home, literally or figuratively. And we'd ultimately rather not. Meredith, we have talked a bit about more than a bit about boundaries, setting and setting expectations and maintaining them with other people. But today, we are talking about setting boundaries with ourselves. What does that mean? What does it mean to set inner boundaries? And how does this work? When do we need to do this?
So I think about it as our brains think thoughts like our hearts, pump blood, our brains are just thinking thoughts and thinking thoughts all day long. They're offering us this thought that thought, and those thoughts are not us. But most of us have not been taught how to attach to one thought, and then set a boundary with another thought. A lot of times when people tell people, he's always telling me that I'm overthinking things, or I'm thinking things through too much. And I always thought, well, this is how much my brain thinks. So I don't make it not do that. I don't even know what that means. But what they meant was I was attaching to and negotiating with ideas that didn't have an answer. And that just led to back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And like ruminating and perseverating, on issues that I wasn't solving. So later, I learned how to set better boundaries with my inner dialogue and with my thoughts, so that now my brain may still offer me thoughts, like you suck, everyone hates you. And then I say, Oh, we don't talk like that here. In my mind. Like, that's not what we do. So it's like somebody coming into your house, like our thoughts are like somebody coming into your house or houses. And if they are not conforming with the rules of the house, you can ask them to leave, it doesn't mean that they don't show up at the door the next day. But the next day, you also remember, hmm, this person didn't take their shoes off at the entrance, they like left the toilet seat up, whatever they they shouted at my neighbor, they are not following the rules of the house. So we invite them to leave. And with thoughts, it's similar. So if a thought like, everybody hates you comes up. Now in my mind, I'm like, that's not a thought that we choose here. That's not welcome in this space. It's not that it doesn't ever show up again. But we can kind of let it go in in terms of taking work home. But I see a lot of people who are experiencing, what I see a lot of with people who are experiencing toxic work environments, is that either they're literally feeling forced to take work into their private life, or they leave work. But basically the workplace comes with them in their mind. And we're still ruminating about problems that we had, we're still trying to think about what we should have said to the person who criticized us, we're still basically taking the workplace home, in our minds.
I love this so much. So part of what you're saying here in terms of setting boundaries with your thinking, you're not saying we should be like expert meditators and just become free from the cycles of thinking completely, which is not really what meditation is, but it's kind of how it gets twisted a little bit. It's not mind over matter, it's not suppressed the thoughts or rise above them. What you're saying is if your brain is intervening again, and again, with you with unhelpful stuff, this could be your inner critic, it could be self sabotage, it could be stuff that feels like that imposter syndrome type of dialogue that we got into earlier, that you get to also be in intentional dialogue with those thoughts. And you can say things like, actually, we don't do that here and almost redirect the thinking by choice.
Yeah, I think so. And you know, I will say that this kind of concept is a commonly abused concept and colts for example. And so if you're in a space that has like really strict expectations for you only speak positively you only you don't talk unless you have something useful to contribute. You don't ask questions, you just listen. Like if you're in a space like that this concept can feel a little dangerous because that's not a safe way to create a community. People need to be allowed to show up as themselves. And so the rules that I set in the perimeters that I recommend with people are all about who we actually are, who we want to be as people individually as ourselves and setting boundaries around. What who we do not want to be any like what are not welcome thoughts what what are up pressive ways of thinking that we've been encouraged to believe. So for example, when I was in the work environment where I was experiencing sexual harassment, my thought over and over again was, maybe I don't deserve respect. Maybe I don't deserve respect. Maybe I don't belong here. That's a thought that I would never say to a friend. And that's ultimately one of the tests, I think we can go into the tests of like how to kind of navigate setting boundaries with your inner dialogue. But one of the most important tests is what I say this to a child, would I say this to a friend? Not? Does this thought conform with my boss's expectation? Does this thought conform with my pastor's expectation, or a political leader or my husband? The test is what I say this to someone I love.
I love that. You also were sharing about this idea of feeling forced to take work into your private life. And I can resonate with that so much. One of the one of the experiences I had when I was working in tech was with a housemate who was an engineer, and also just a deep delight. And a like a astute observer, an astute observer. And there was a time when I was going through all of this growth, a lot of leadership in some challenging dynamics. And I'll never forget, he sat me down one day, and he was like, I noticed something strange about you. And I was like, Oh, my God, I cannot wait to find out what it is. Yeah, he's when things are, are getting harder at work. You work harder at home. And I was like, of course, because I want to make it through. And he was close. You know, he's an engineering, I was not an engineering, but he was close enough that he he knew the political context, right. He knew like how the milieu was unfolding. And he was like, it's so she's like, I mean, I guess I hear what you're saying. But from my perspective, it would make more sense if things are getting hard if you actually just paused and waited, because sometimes that's the weather, and then you would just be waiting, and then the weather would pass. And then you could just work a normal amount, but make like a bigger impact after that. And like it wouldn't be so hard on you. And it would make it easier, like, what did you just wait it out. And I was like, Oh, what, like I just had never imagined that before. But it was pretty smart. Like, if it's September and you think the Winter's coming on because there's a cold snap, you could either do everything in the cold snap to prepare for the winter, or just check the weather and be like the cold snap will be over in three days, then we'll have a little more time before winter and do it then I think in order to do this, you kind of have to get the idea that it's important to have something after work, that does not belong to work. I don't think I used to have that. So I just wonder from you know, when you see people who are either new in their career, or they're like real go getters. And they may actually not have set a limit before with this is where work is allowed to be this is where work is not allowed to be what can be a first step for people to draw like a line in the sand or experiment with setting a first limit so that when their brain does the thing
they have had. And so you're talking about a first actual limit with WHERE DOES work live. So I will say I have a little bit of a different balance in that than a lot of people like I for a long time I was I didn't like the idea of self care, because I was like, it says that work is not self care. It says that like we, like get tortured at work. And then we care for like the sort of what it said to me. And it sounded like cheesy and stuff. But now actually, I like the concept. And the way that I think about it is what drains our energy and what recharges us. And I think that they're both that exist in like what we call a workspace and what we call a home space. I actually don't think that those two, I think for some people, it's really valuable for those two to be really different. I think for other people, it's valuable for them to have freedom to have those overlap. I don't think that it's an all or nothing question. And so I ultimately think that it's about coming back to ourselves in each moment. And what do we need in that moment. So for me, for example, I tend to work, like start my workday later. And my workday later, in part because I've worked for a long time with employees. And a lot of times they want to talk to me after work hours, but also in part because that's how I work better. So I'm more likely like if a client texts me at 10pm, I'm more likely to respond to that client because I want to and because I think it's fun. If a client texts me at 7am, I probably am not going to respond because I don't think it's fun and my brains not online yet. And so I do think that there's some indirect ways that we can tailor that individually. But ultimately, I think the question is, am I in a space where I'm intentionally using my energy to the best that I can Where am I in a space where I'm intentionally recharging my energy to the best that I can. And do I like my reasons for both.
I love this, okay, so recharging my energy, or recharging our energy can kind of be a litmus test for coming back to ourselves. Maybe it's not like you're not going to think about work at all anymore, if you like work on something you're really passionate about, and you want to like go read an article on that. But your your encouragement would be for people who are stuck in a tricky situation, to explore a time when they are going to switch off the drain and pain. dialog, and, and deliberately choose to be in a recharging state. And so then if drain and pain topics come back inner critic being like, but you need to do more stuff for your boss, because he's gonna be so mad at you, you know, those kinds of recycling thoughts, right? Like, actually, this is a recharging space. It's like yoga when they're like, all right, think of all the stuff that you're not going to think about. Great. Park it outside the room. Yeah. Okay. And when it comes back, you're gonna be like, we're gonna deal with that in an hour. Right? Right. But it's reading recharging container. Yeah.
And so I think that there's sort of, there's the external experience of it. And then there's the internal rules that we set. And so a lot of times our rules as Americans are, work harder, and you'll prove yourself and just like, work until you die. And then maybe someday, you will have struggled enough that you get a prize. And in my experience, that prize does not come. And if when it does come, you're like, I gotta work harder still, because maybe there's another prize. And if we don't stop and set new parameters, then we really are living in an oppressed state. I think we could be wealthy, we could be poor. But if our rule is I work hard until I die and prove my end, someday I'll prove myself. And someday, something will validate me. Like that is not a sustainable way to live. And it's not an impactful way to live. Honestly, if we're in a constant state of struggle, which is like what you described, when that storm comes. If we get into that struggle state with the storm, the storm winds, if you
figure than us facts, it just is. Yeah,
yeah. You can't fight the storm. You can't fight the past. You can you can fight them, you just
lose. You just lose. It's like someone said, there's no problem arguing with reality, you'll just be wrong 100% of the time,
but like, go there. Byron? Katie? Yeah,
I love that one so much. Okay, so I think one of the like, one of the alternatives, one of the or one of the this versus that's kind of the, the tension that you're drawing out here is like, being in an oppressive environment, Option A option alternative be, I prioritize time and space to recharge. So if we feel we are caught in an in some oppressive, dynamic or oppressive environment, one thing we can do is go wait a minute, where is the time and space to recharge? Where can I declare that create it? And then where can I begin using my conscious mind to protect that, even as part of what it's protecting it from is our unconscious mind, that kind of heart pumping? Thought flow? That is a habit, right? And, and some people will say, we talk to ourselves, you know, your kids will talk to them? Well, I'm a parent now. So that people will say your kids will talk to themselves the way that you spoke to them. Like a lot of the times those negative internal voices can be ways that we were wounded, right when people either spoke to us or we caught them speaking, speaking to each other, and we wanted to read that or how they
talked about themselves and subtle sponges as kids, we watched her mom criticize herself in front of the mirror. So we do it now.
But she never she may have never wanted that to be the lesson or what was your response? And so that's what happens and so until we find a way to repattern that until we reroute it reparent it we say in parenting world, it is fairly predictable, just like Backstreet Boys lyrics from an eternity eight that it's going to just keep on showing up, you know, whenever the trigger and
showing up I don't think is the problem. Like if I said to you, the sky is purple. You wouldn't have a problem with that statement. If I said to you, your pink hair is so hideous. You probably wouldn't have a problem with it. You would be like why does the screen show my hair pink? What's wrong with Meritus eyesight right now? You know, like, but it's when we attached to the thought And we believe them. That's when they can become an internal boundary violation, I think. Yeah. And so, yeah, go ahead,
you go. Well,
I was just going to move on to something else you go. No,
it's just it's but it's like, if it's something like you didn't work hard enough on the project, who has a little juice, and then you go home and you're like, I'm fine. I am making a grilled cheese sandwich. I have my tomato soup. I put carrots in the secret ingredient for tomato soup to be extra delicious. That's a freebie and also a fact. Then you're like, No, I know that thought starts to enter. It's like you're not working hard on the project. And you're not like, oh, pink hair is uglier. And green hair is so cool. It's not a random one. It's like, Ooh, it has some juice. And so those are the moments we're gonna be like, Ah, it's tomato soup time. Like, we're not doing that right now. We're gonna look at that tomorrow, once we have a lot of sleep.
Yeah. And I think we also like, I think that that usually comes after we've inquired into that thought and done like an impact model and said, Is this one I want to keep like, because a lot of times we spend time negotiating with those thoughts. And we say, I did work hard. Wait, maybe I didn't work hard enough. But maybe I did work hard enough. But maybe I didn't work hard enough. That's hard enough. How hard are these people working? Right, right. And then you get into the spiral of negotiating the thought, either pro or con. And that can be a huge energy drain. And so you can't like, I think you have to go through a process of determining what your parameters are, of your individual boundaries around your thinking. But if we have none, then we continue to be sponges basically, and live in a child mind where we're just absorbing everything that our thought is pumping at our brain is pumping at us.
So it's be childlike, or the children are bad. It's just kind of like not a humanitarian endeavor to put them in charge of protecting and defending us when stuffs going down. In the real world.
When we try to protect kids too. We don't put kids in executive C suite positions where people are criticizing them all day. And there's a reason for that. It's because they're little vulnerable sponges, and we want to be intentional about what they think. And so we don't want to live like I think there is an advantage to becoming an adult and having a fully firm brain where we can say, this is what I accept and what I don't accept. So the main ways I was going to talk about of the main ways that I see this show up for people, like there is the literally I'm thinking about the project while I'm not working on the project, and sometimes that's a creative space. Other times it's a really draining stressful space, and it's not actually work. If it's a stressful struggle space. Other times it's like I just call this giving free rental space to people who don't deserve it. Like if your boss is spending all day criticizing you and then you're going home and making tomato soup and reliving your boss's criticisms, to me that free rental space and someone needs to pay rent for that they need to have some kind of contribution to you in order to deserve to live at your home while you're making tomato soup.
Or like the free psychoanalyst psycho analysis, or like being someone's therapist for free. I think that's when I'll be like, Oh my God, what could be driving their behavior? I'm like, What on earth happened? And are they a narcissist?
Are they do they have malady disorder
going on in your house? And I can get if I'm not careful, I can get into these. We're somewhat altruistic seeming, but also extensive brainstorms about what could possibly be going on for somebody and how we could improve that. Because really, it's like solving someone else's problem to try and alleviate the tension for the workplace situation. This is unpaid therapy. This is not requested, this is not going to be compensated.
If it's fun, then maybe you're getting payment out of the fun of it. If it's not fun, though, like fun, like you get you deserve to get paid for your labor, right, like, yeah, and especially when it's reliving criticism, when we're when we're like, I disagree with this person's politics. I disagree with this person's belief system. I disagree with how this person shows up. So I'm going to let them live in my brain at night while I'm trying to go to sleep. That person needs an eviction notice.
Yeah, and you get we get to practice things like I am not responding to criticism at this time. Yeah, like a pm in my house. We have a principle where we do not fight after 830 Yeah, we don't. It really creates world peace. But that also is something we can import to the fights that we entertain in our head. The WW is so you really eat I was gonna say WWF and I was like, No, that's The World Wildlife Federation. You know, the wrestling panda on a postage stamp, that's not the correct acronym. But yes, we can set those limits and just be like, it's evening. We're not doing that, like we will do it once we're rested. We'll do it once we are well fed and make those choices.
Okay? So eventually, like redirect our brains to I think about tomato soup right now I'm thinking about the book I'm writing. I'm thinking about my kid I love I'm gonna solve a problem that actually is relevant to me right now.
No, I love that. And I think that actually is an important thing to call out. Because I think there were some examples of the recharge stuff, which might be different for everyone. Like not everybody needs to know secrets of tomato soup. I mean, you might need to, we might not be like what delights you. But like, we one way to start is to have like, nope, these are my recharge topics. If I start thinking about a, instead, I'm going to think about Meghan Markel, and that is what is being said. And so that way we can, we can invite our brain to change the channel to a channel that we have selected.
Yeah, really, intentionally. So the other ways that we're kind of brainstorming of how this shows up. One is self abuse. And we kind of already talked about that, like, the voice in your head, the inner critic that wants to just sit there and criticize you all day long and tell you what's wrong with you. But the other one that we were talking about before we sort of started recording was when our brains say everyone thinks something negative about you. And it sounds like it's coming from the outside. But it's really coming from inside our brains. And our brains are setting up this mob that somehow thinks about you all the time, and only things bad things. That is always a lie. Because I mean, you just know that that's always a lie. Because people are always thinking about themselves, honestly, like they're not thinking about us. And that, like the marketing wisdom that I've always been taught is that like a third of people are just gonna love you, no matter what a third of people are gonna hate you no matter what. And there's like a middle third, that pretty much doesn't know about your care. But focus on the people who are going to love you no matter what, rather than negotiating with the people who are going to hate you, no matter what, you know, and sort of different stuff.
Yeah, everybody's got their ovaries got their own mission and the likability thing, isn't it? I think one of the things we need to call out about this situation is like, when we're like, oh, people think this an example of this lately is I have a friend who is in a really big new leadership role, who gave a huge presentation in front of this group of customers. And after was like, Oh, my God, they hated it. Like they were, it turns out, the customer representatives that showed up were like, super, super technical. She's like, I'm the business person. The super technical people showed up, it was clear that I was not technical enough. And we were like, is that because they said it? And she's like, Well, they didn't say it. And we're like, okay, then how do you know, she's like, well, the questions were really tactical. And I had to say, I did not know on some of them are when we get back to them. And it's, but it's like, when that is me. I'm like, I fell short. I'm like, the this God, the students were underserved, you know, the participants left unmoored. And I've been so convinced of that. Sometimes in my professional career teaching innovation, it's like there'll be somebody in the room and I'm like, Oh, my God, I love that student down, I let that student down. And one workshop, I had the student I knew I had let down, like, raise your hand at the end. And I was like, I'm about to get it. And she was like, I just want to say, this is the next best workshop I've ever been to, we got so much out of this. And her face was not a face that I had associated with like, this is changing my life right now. You don't know what is happening in their brainstem, sometimes when we're thinking we get into like a really scrunchie bunchy expression. And so whenever it's people think, and your friend could be like, okay, which people though or people are gonna think, okay, which people?
I think those are always a trap, I think in our mind, like, it's just a secret way for our brains to sneak in some self-abuse
conversion rate, saying like, this is uncertainty and also the ultimate brain lie, that uncertainty can be avoided, right? The root cause of all anxiety is like, Oh, if we just do these 25 Elaborate tricks, we can cause total certainty forever and ever here. It's just going to be a lot of work. Go for it. And it's like, actually, that's not how it works here. Yeah, important to get onto that.
Yeah. Yeah, I think. I think that what you're saying also speaks to the last Well, the last two that we're talking about Oops.
Okay, you were saying the last,
the last two that we're going to talk about of ways that I show this, I see this show up. But I think it shows up in a lot of different ways, our self blame and perfectionism. And I think what you were just talking about is the blame perfectionism side of this of like, who's done something wrong, what's going to go wrong. And if I can plan everything out ahead of time and know what everyone will say, then I will never do a wrong thing, or get in trouble or hurt anybody or hurt myself, right. And I mean, we can spend a lot of energy doing that. And what we really end up doing is not showing up as ourselves and self monitoring ourselves ourselves and abusing ourselves ahead of time. And my rule is always like, if there's an abuser in the room, I at least want to make it hard for that person, I want to make that person work to abuse me, I don't want to do it for them. Like I just don't. And if I want to create safety in the world, if I want to create more peace, more magic, more joy, more belonging in the world, I have to, I have to take action to do that. And I also need to set parameters in my own brain and in my own life that reflect those values.
Yeah, ultimately, this kind of becomes an uninstall process. For internalized oppression. These thoughts are not your fault, your inner critic is not your fault. Your saboteurs are not your fault. It's not like that. It's just these regressive thoughts have a way of sneaking into your house and taking all your goodies. And so when it is possible, when the energy is there, if we can just move, move the boundary closer to the outside of the house, we can slowly increase our capacity to live a recharging life that is not constantly being intruded upon by these learned thinking behaviors that did not arise with our true essence, our true nature, they were taught, and we can unlearn them with grace. And they're
not consistent with the impacts that we want to make in the world. A lot of times when I go over this with with clients, they'll say, but he really said that to me today. He really said you suck at your job, or he really said you look hot in that dress, or he really said you black person are being racist against me white person by talking about racism, like they really said that to me. And that is valid and true. And so none of this is also about denying reality or gaslighting yourself into not thinking those things are true. To me, it's more about how much space do we give those things that we do not like and do not agree with? And do not think contribute to our goals and our success? How much space do we give those in our personal lives in including in our brains? And how much do we evict them and say, That's not welcome here. And this is a space of love. For me. This is a space where we know that if I say something's racist, I have a good reason for it. This is a space where I do look hot in my dress, and that is none of your business. And I take care of myself and keep myself safe and surround myself with people who keep me safe. You know what I this is a space where I show up for my job. I'm good at my job. I do my best. And if someone wants to criticize it, that's, that's uncomfortable for them. Hmm.
I've heard an excellent sentence, which may or may not be accessible for people that's like, I don't let people speak to me that way. Yeah. Simple. I don't I don't. I don't allow that. I don't allow comments like that in front of me in the workplace.
Yeah. But and we can say that to ourselves to to our brains to oh, I don't let people speak to me that way. That's not how, even if our brains are saying, but he said it. I'm not saying it to you. He just said it. It's still us. It's still our room, our safe space, our brain to say, oh, like, that's not what we do here.
He will never reinforce that kind of messaging. Me being on this planet. We repainted we just painted a wall on our bedroom in our house right now. And I don't know if you've ever painted but you like put the tape down on the edges. And we're like, Oh, my God, is it going to be terrible? And I was like, No, before we pull it off. If we went to our friend's house, we would never be like, Oh, I noticed that your thing over here has like a little bumpy line. I was like now, before we pull the tape off, we need to agree. Friends do not split hairs, about the clean lines and other people's paint jobs. Like we need to agree. And then we do it and then guess why we pulled it off. And I was like, look, it's like no, Megan, we already agreed. Follow the new principle. I'm not gonna look I'm gonna keep my glasses off. It doesn't necessarily happen like that overnight. But I think this is where we can get to and if we practice redirecting those thoughts, we can get more space for that recharging time, which was As access better thinking, and the medium run to
the process isn't like if our brains say, Oh, he really said that to me. You say, Yeah, he did. You're right. He did. And we're gonna focus on nurturing me on being kind to me. So I think this steps to shifting to having strong inner boundaries are like you said, like when I say this to a friend, if I wouldn't say it to a friend, it is not how we talk in my brain. If I would not say to my friend, oh, your paint looks a little off here. Like, we just moved past that. Yeah. The second is, does this serve me? And is it consistent with who I want to be in the world? Not? Is this a thought my mom would like, is this a thought? My boss would like not Is this a cool thought? Or but is it me? I get to decide I own these boundaries in their mind. And then the third way that I think about it is like sometimes our brains are like a little kid running around with a knife and they just are having thoughts, right? And then in that situation, I think about it as being the adult stepping in taking the knife away. And the knife is the abusive thought the knife is the thought that we were programmed with as kids that's not safe.
And we are de escalated like that. That is a very evocative image. And I'm like, Yes, tuck that away, because I know that feeling right? Like you feel harmed and wounded and there's no one else there. Except everyone that's been there and it feels realer and realer. More more real, the more the rumination happens. It's like, No, we are de escalating. This is not rational. I think sometimes another like inside the calls coming from inside the house is like rumination is necessary in order to really fully see all the angles on a situation. And I think that is another one of those situations where like, it is a circular logic. Like it seems to recommend more of itself. And sometimes you just have to be like, wait a minute, do I feel terrible right now? Okay, great. Maybe there is a child with a knife. Great. Let's deescalate the knife situation, let's get back to regulation, then we're not discarding the child will child once everyone is calm, right do not need to, to be in this dialogue in a situation where everything has gone haywire, like common situation first then choose
I also think for my brain, I can't be like, is this rational or not rational? Because my brain thinks that self abuse is rational. Because it's kind of how I mean, I think it's how we see our parents talk. It's how I was raised is like self criticism is logical. Nationalism. Yeah, makes
you stronger. Like if we don't use you, then you're gonna end up with soft skin and guess what the world is going to do to you chew you up and spit you out? That's for someone I got? Like, don't you have to struggle alone to get a thick skin so that you can survive anything in the future? Yeah, if you survive the future, also, where are the cookies? We the cookie, like, it doesn't work that way. It's the moving, you know, the moving target of the hamster wheel, which is a little bit tougher,
just a little more abuse, and you're gonna be good. If I yell at you just a little more, or you're gonna run this marathon like a pro, which just isn't how it works. And like, so to me, I think it is, for me, it's a better test what I say this to somebody I love, then is this rational. Like I think rational can be a form of abuse sometimes when it comes to thinking. But I think the other thing that you were talking about before we were recording, is this idea of safety versus like how we feeling unsafe versus being in danger. And I think that that can kind of come up in this space of self-abuse, like when we're constantly feeling unsafe when we're going home and feeling unsafe while we're making the tomato soup. Versus when we're in danger and to me, and so it feels useful, like we're going to keep ourselves safe if we the only way ruminating. Right. And I think the thing to me is that when we're actually in danger, we don't feel unsafe. We know what
danger if there is a wildfire in your area. rumination will not be your body's biochemical response a majority of the time, right, not scientist, but like think it through and try that and see if that actually fits your own experience too.
Exactly. And like in my experience, if I when I have been in danger, I have not been afraid. I've been. I've thought I've strategized, I've seen what's in my area and I've taken action or I've taken inaction that feels safer. And my body just knows what to do. When we're feeling chronically unsafe. To me. There's a space to set these boundaries in our inner dialogue and in the ways that we talk to ourselves, and then reflect that in our outer environment with our expectations of how other people talk to us also,
so that we can take thoughtful, self serving, strategic aligned medium term action, and break that cycle of immediate crisis. There's one more thing I want to be sure that we pull into this conversation, which is, you know, sometimes like toxic workplace toxic thoughts. How do we know which thoughts are toxic thoughts? You have a really good definition of toxic that is very flexible to the person that we are, how do you define toxic?
Yeah, so I think something's toxic if we're tolerating something that we don't want to tolerate. And so the example I Yeah, and so the example and I don't think that there's a universal definition of like a toxic person or a toxic behavior, although I do think that there are some actions that we say are criminal, right, that we agree as a society are outside of social boundaries, there are some, some, like people who transgress those and who we, you know,
we all agreed to not tolerate,
we agreed to not tolerate it. But I think we also have our individualized sense of what we want to tolerate and what we don't want to tolerate. And like, like, I always give the example that I have a friend who, when we talk to each other, we get louder, and louder and louder and louder. But her husband is like, sound sensitive. And so we love we'll sit across the couch from each other, just yelling at each other. And he'll come in from the other room and be like, I can't hear the TV you got Why are you yelling at each other? Stop yelling, and we don't want to be yelling, but we don't notice it. It's not a boundary to us. It's not behavior that we don't want to tolerate in each other. But for him it is and so we appreciate it when he comes to and tells us because we don't notice it. There are any number of things like that we all can choose to tolerate or not tolerate and it's hours to make that decision about
me at the end of the day. I think this you know, where we begin to set these internal boundaries where we begin to redirect to what will recharge us. We can start from what's recharging us. Yes. What's draining us? Yes, choose to have a recharge zone, start to notice the drain zone. And then
we want to we want to use our energy we want to use it we want to drain because we use our energy towards what makes an impact right? But we don't want to have unintentional drain.
I love it making intentional. Thank you so much Marina if anybody has another story another question another example of how inner boundaries have been crucial for you or a tricky situation where they are needed for you. You can write into us we love receiving stories are questions from listeners and from the community. Meredith how can people get in touch with us?
They can go to Aris resolution er ay s resolution.com/story.
And we look forward to connecting again on a future episode of empowered communication.
