Hey friend, welcome to episode nine. I'd like to just say before I get started that life is Liping over here. I'm not alone at home. And so in case you are hearing any sounds here, my apologies, my apologies. Because I mean, we just gotta keep it real. And this is what we're working with. So this episode is airing on Valentine's Day, the last day that all of your media outlets will be bathed in red and pink hearts selling you all the love stuff that is most likely overpriced. Let's just be real. And damn like that selling is happening hard. I'm not gonna lie, though. I love heart shaped stuff. But not just on Valentine's day, all year round, please. Because hearts are my favorite shape. And yes, I am corny like that. Don't get me wrong. I love a day for cute fun for treats for putting a little extra love onto things. But as with so many things that the media gets its hands on the vibe of Valentine's Day, to me, has gotten so out of control. And yes, it's true that in the last few years, there's been a shift in some areas of life and media towards a focus on self love. But in my opinion, in my experience, unless it's a space that's actively disrupting white supremacy, capitalism and the rest of the oppressive, oppressive systems in place, this self love focus is more so on treating yourself to a bubble bath, a massage, or eating chocolate and ice cream, guilt free for the day, which are all great things. But the problem is that on February 15, it's back to the status quo. Right? So I am not saying that we shouldn't be doing these things for ourselves, or that there shouldn't be a focus on self love, there absolutely should be, but in a really weak real, really real way, in a sustainable way. I think that instead of this ridiculous over the top, completely stressful and honestly, like unnecessarily like huge display of affection for one day. Better consideration might be a less intense approach that takes that magnitude way down to a level that really is sustainable for you to infuse the cute fun, the treats, and putting a little extra love onto things in all areas of your life. Not just romantically 365 days a year, because let's be honest, it can also be a really hard day for a lot of people. And whether that is you know, because of certain relationships or lack of relationship or something like that, but also can be hard financially it can be hard timewise I mean, as even for us disruptors as we are trying to push back against systems in place that aren't serving us, let's be real, the pressure from society is always felt. And even if we don't subscribe to certain aspects of that oppression and certain aspects of that pressure. It's still there. It's still there lurking in the background, right? So right out the gate right and true stuff fashion. I've got a question for you. Right here right now. What if instead of centering a daily to do list where you're focused solely on showing up to your responsibilities, and crossing them off, so that you can get to the next thing as quickly and as painlessly as possible? What if we instead centered love in all or most things? What if we sent her devotion? Is that corny? I don't care. I'm so down, right? Because don't forget, I am 40. And, as I let you know, in the last few episodes, I've officially crossed into the threshold of I don't give a fuck dumb. And if you're like stuff, what in the world is this silliness you're talking about? Do me a favor, go listen to episode seven. And you will hear all about this amazing place that I found where zero fucks are given. So my friends, you've heard me say this before. And I have a hunch that I'll be saying it many more times for longer than we'd like. But the thing is our gogogo American culture, white supremacy, culture, capitalism and all the oppressive systems in place are poison. And this poison is soaking into everything, including the relationship we have to our life and love. This also includes our definition Love, Love the way we feel about it, our beliefs about it, the way we express it, and let's be real, the way we withhold it. Everything it has to do with everything. So in this episode, in case you didn't read the show notes, it's totally fine. The shit we need to talk about is the fact that your beliefs about love are learned and therefore can be unlearned. grumbling is like a little gremlin that actively steals your joy and sucks you dry of love and compassion. There is not one relationship out there that you must endure for the sake of love. And self love cannot exist without an acceptance, a true acceptance and embracing of all parts of you. You ready? Let's go. Whether you realize it or not, you have strong opinions about what love is, what it isn't, what it should be, what it sounds like, looks and feels like who has it who doesn't, whether you're deserving of receiving it, and whether or not you're good at doing it. This is likely based on how you witnessed expressions of love in childhood. And it may have shifted for better or for worse. Throughout the years. You may have been taught that only certain people get to show or receive love, perhaps on that gender binary on looks intelligence status, or how amenable you are. You may have been taught that if you love someone, you never express emotions that are labeled, quote unquote negative like sadness, disappointment, anger or jealousy amongst other quote unquote negative emotions. You may have been taught that love is accepting whatever you're given, and to not want or need anything else, you may have been taught that true love is centering someone else's needs above your own, to the point where you give to yourself from the leftovers, once everyone else has been resourced, or when it's convenient. You may have been taught that love is expressed in quote unquote, all in behavior, because in our society, intensity is a marker of commitment. So what actually is the truth here? Well, we live in a society that's based on conditions many are invisible. And love is often a type of currency, sometimes used as a form of manipulation. As a result of teachings given to you, or negative experiences you may have had with love, and any form of relationship in the past. There may be certain aspects of love or types of relationships in your life that are being affected now, even decades later. And friend, I want to encourage you, if any AHA are happening now, if you're feeling uncomfortable, because the things I'm saying are pushing up against some beliefs that you have that you're not questioning, or if any AHA or considerations or light bulbs happen during some time during this episode, or even in the days after that you listen, they're definitely worthy of a conversation with yourself with others, maybe a few conversations or a ton, especially with your therapist. Because to really have a true relationship with love. To do this in an authentic way. It will take some real inquiry, some real uncovering, unlearning and relearning. And that includes our relationship with unconditionally loving ourselves, loving ourselves through our responsibilities, acting in devoted love towards ourselves, showing up in service of others, and ultimately having nourishing relationships with others. As always, I'd like to acknowledge that our lived experiences are different. mine and yours. And ours, yours of mine, and everybody else's, my identities may put me too closer to the proximity of power and privilege than you or further away. Everything I share is with the understanding that my experiences and perspectives are my own and not respective of all people. And so it's okay if you're like, Yeah, stuff that doesn't really fit for me or die for me, I get that. You know, and so maybe based on our experiences, or it may be that just your journeys a different place than mine. Right. And so, being open to these differences, you know, is a great thing.
So the first aspect that I'm diving into in our conversation is actively Sharing and receiving love from others. This is beyond romantic love. We are talking family, whether that's blood chosen, and even those that might have been thrust upon you, friends, coworkers, community and even strangers. In the disruptors guide to self care, this is a free resource resource that I have on my website. If you haven't downloaded yet, I mean, like, what are you waiting for? Go do that was worth it is here this conversation. But anyway, in that guide, one of the practices I offer is making meaningful connections of your choosing, and with boundaries. And that's the big emphasis there, like I have it in italics on any of the, you know, slides or any of the PDFs that I have for print. I'm a big believer that relationships should ebb and flow with time and that change is okay. And friend, if a relationship is not serving or nourishing you, it is 100% your prerogative to make a shift. Because there is not one relationship out there that you must endure. Not with a spouse, not with a parent, not with partners, not with a child, not with a sibling, boss me one. Now, I'm not saying you should or need to cut anyone out of your life. Maybe you do, and maybe you don't. That's really a huge question. But I do want to remind you, that a big piece of your human power is the ability to decide how you want to engage in each relationship you have, you get to decide how you show up to it, and the power and meaning you give it in your life, you get to change the terms of engagement, I'm not going to lie, coming to terms with the fact that a relationship is not giving you the love you deserve, or perhaps that you are not able to or want to show up to it in the way you once did, can be really scary and painful. And I know common themes in society are that, you know, relationships that lasts forever upon decades and decades. And the I do it, the idea of doing whatever it takes, it's all celebrated. So this can lead to shame when a relationship changes or ends. But friend, there's no need to change yourself unless it shifts you know, or what you need, right. But there's no need to change yourself to fit into a relationship. And you certainly are not obligated to settle. To continue in a situation that's not serving you, or one that's harming you. So if someone is giving you love in a way that's not aligned for you, if their definition of love is different from yours, you get to decide how you engage and if at all. having relationships with boundaries. In any relationship boundaries are okay and they're really good actually. Ultimately, when you begin to create or tighten up boundaries in your relationships, when you make shifts in the relationships that are no longer nourishing you, when you begin to truly get clear on what you want and need from your relationships, you can ultimately take control of how you're showing up in your relationships, you become an active participant. This allows you to have more energy and capacity to engage with the relationships that are resourcing you in a really authentic way. You'll spend less time worrying about how you'll engage or what to do if this person yet again does this thing or says that you will spend less energy trying to protect yourself or regulate yourself. You'll spend less time unpacking BS healing from shitty or traumatic encounters, or reaching for things to fill the holes and gaps that people are leaving in your life. And you'll stand in your power and knowing in situations you won't question bypass or gaslight yourself, you'll be authentically and appalled and unapologetically you with 100% certainty. All of this opens you to being your whole perfectly imperfect self and living love in action, especially when it comes to in service of yourself in service of others. Who you know, and in service of others that you don't. I thought I would share something with you. I'm trying to be, you know, live in the practice of transparency. And in the last few years, I've made some pretty big shifts in some of my relationships that once were the most kind of like the absolute most important ones in my life. It was really unexpected and painful and hard in so many ways. It required me that the whole process of it required me to question who I am now, to get clear on my power, and uncover what I truly want and need from these relationships. The truth was, I had changed a lot leading up to this. And actually, you know, what, I'm going to rephrase that. I came into myself a whole hell of a lot. And I came to the understanding that there were things and experiences I no longer needed or wanted from certain relationships, and very specific things that I wanted and needed that I couldn't get from certain people in my life. It felt very isolating and lonely to realize this. And that's often what I realized when I was in it, why we don't make changes to the status of our relationships. Why? Well, because pulling away or changing the dynamics of certain relationships can hurt people hurt the other person, right. And that's, of course, something we don't want to do. But something I really had to ask myself was, what is keeping things as is doing to me? And that's a question I'd offer you. What is keeping things the way they are doing to you? And thinking back to last month's teaching of non harming? Doesn't this apply? So I did a really hard thing. And I made shifts to my current relationships. And then I created connections and new relationships that I desired. And friends, I'm not saying oh, my gosh, I did this and everything was all peachy No, there was a lot of shit really hard stuff in between lots of crying, lots of screaming, yelling, you know, to me to myself, to my husband, whenever he was available to listen, like it was just a lot. There was a lot of it was an emotional roller coaster, there was so much so I don't mean to say, Oh, I made these shifts, and everything was fine. Not at all this is this was this particular process, probably three years. In time we're talking about from the time it started. So it's been a long, long time. There are still times that I mourn the relationships or like the pieces that changed. I certainly judged myself along the way, a lot. Because, you know, some of these relationships no longer mirrored what society said, a strong and close relationship looked like what a traditional or beautiful relationship between these two people would look like. But I have to tell you, I am happier. I am freer. And I am so much more fulfilled now. The relationships that I have, the connections that I created with these people who were able to with their friendship and their love, give me what I needed. Really, what I needed was to be my absolute full self with someone and I found people I can do that with, I found people that I don't have to hide parts of myself from and no subjects are off the table for discussion. And that's what I needed. I needed complete acceptance and really an empowerment to be myself. messy and vulnerable. That's what I needed. And so now, I can give love so much more freely, because I don't have to worry about protecting myself from criticism or shame. So my question to you is, what and where are the conditions to the love you give? Based on ways you need to protect or hide parts of yourself?
What and where are there conditions to the love you give? Based on ways you need to protect or hide parts of yourself? You may not know the answer right now. That's okay. This is a process my friend. We are in it for the long haul. So I thought I would pause our conversation there and move into love in response sensibilities and life. Because the reality is, you've got places to go and shit to do. You're well aware of your responsibilities for each day, I know you are, most likely there are too many responsibilities and not enough time, not enough energy and not enough resources, right? And then let's be real, some responsibilities are exciting, some are mundane. And of course, there are those that you'd probably rather do anything else, like, get a root canal or for me, the, you know, the example I always give is, you know, poke myself in the eye, I would rather do that. poke myself in the eye with a needle in avoidance. But please don't go poke your poking yourself in the eye, okay, with anything. And of course, as we begin this conversation about love and responsibilities in life, I've got questions for you. The first is, how are you doing life? Are you moving through life like a zombie? Are you bypassing your needs? Are you doing things you enjoy? Or are you settling for the work, work, work, rest only on vacation and sleep when you're dead lifestyle that society has given us as the standard? My guess is, if you're in this space, you're most likely disrupting that. But there are certainly different entry points to the journey. So absolutely no judgment here. If you're like, Yes, I'm moving through life as a zombie. Yes, I'm bypassing my needs. No, I'm not doing things that I enjoy. Yes, it's work, work, work. There's no time for vacation. Or you may not have the resources for vacation, which is a whole other story. That is a whole other situation that it's very necessary to talk about. And sleep, forget it. I don't even know what that is. Right? You may be saying those things. There's no judgment. And so then the next question I have for you is, are you taking steps to create a life you love? Do you even think that's possible. And it can be hard to win, we live in a society that is full of oppression, especially if you hold marginalized identities. But friends, what we know is that we do get to live in joy, we can create a life we love, apart from these systems and within these systems, it's gonna take a lot of work, and it's gonna be on us, but we can do it. The next question I have for you is How are you engaging with your responsibilities? Specifically, how are you as you do the shit you don't want to do or don't enjoy? How are you? What are you like when you are doing things you don't want to do or the things you don't enjoy? Now, I recognize that this is a one sided conversation, and this conversation is nuanced. And I need to say that there will always be tasks we don't want to do. And that's okay. Unfortunately, a part of being human, especially adults. But what if you stopped grumbling, as you showed up to the shit you don't enjoy? Because grumbling takes energy to do and it spreads real low level vibes into the world. Don't get me wrong, I love a good grumble I really do. But I can say from experience that there are times in my life where I will grumble about anything and everything shit that doesn't even need to be grumbled about, should I have no business grumbling about? It really can be a permanent place of being for me for sometimes, and it's a fucking miserable. So here's the thing, you may grumble because the thing you need to do is stupid or a waste of time, or simply something you don't want to do. And it could also be due to a lack of energy capacity or support, or All right, we often say I have to enclose I have to do this, or I have to do that. But do you some things that might be yes, but some things like we love to give ourselves extra responsibility, extra shit on our to do list. So my question is, do you really have to do this thing? Like do you? Is it you that has to be doing this thing? Is there an alternate arrangement? Can you delegate or pass the ball to someone else? And can you make peace with if it's not done to your standard? Right? If there are certain things that you cannot hand over, or in situations where it really just would be easier for you Do it yourself? Is there a way to love yourself through it? Could you be gentle and compassionate to yourself from start to finish? Is there a reframe you can adopt? I'd like to offer an example and of from like my own life, and I'm purposely choosing something mundane and mostly inconsequential. I still think it's meaningful. And the lesson here really does apply to many different situations, including some that probably are really meaningful, actually. So here goes and bear with me here. I don't like cleaning. I love an organized house. But I really wish dust and clutter weren't things I had to actively keep up with. I also don't love washing dishes or folding laundry. But I do that. I noticed though, in the last few weeks that I was having some really grumbly conversations with myself as I was washing dishes especially when it was like by the third time that day, sometimes I'll listen to music or a podcast while washing, which really helps. And in case you're wondering, yes, we are privileged to have a dishwasher, but it's currently broken and our funds are allocated to other things. So here we are. My husband who is really very easy and outgoing, outgoing, very easygoing. And happily, we'll do so many things, most things around the house, he really despises washing the dishes. So I do that because he does things for around the house that I really don't like to do. Anyway, you're not here for a view into the inner workings of our household. But here we are, washing dishes, and I noticed the grumbling conversation happening again. And when I reflected, I noticed that I was feeling that energy as I was finishing up the meal. Before I was coming to wash the dishes, like during the meal, I was getting grumbling about having to watch the fucking dishes. And then it stayed with me after I was done washing the dishes. But I didn't leave the grumbling there when to the next thing. But that's how grumbling works. It's like a fucking little gremlin that actively steals and even though Gremlins are so cute, they actively steal your joy and it sucks you dry of love and compassion. And I guess I set it. Literally the other day, I was washing dishes and I reached the capacity for my own grumbling it was so awful. It was bad. I was sick of myself. So I stopped and I stopped and I thought to myself, is there a reframe here? Like, what the fuck am I doing right now seriously. And in my paws, I exhaled slowly, a few times, like really grounded myself in the moment of like being right there. And then, as it always does, space opened, and new thoughts came in. And I realized some shit that the grumbling was just completely glazing over really like burying, which was I'm grateful to have food and drinks, to use plates and cups for that I don't want to wash. I'm grateful to have hands that can prepare meals, and pour drinks, and can wash these dishes. I'm grateful to have access to running water in my home. The vibe completely changed. I can't say I felt joy for washing the dishes, but love and appreciation flowed. So I'm wondering, is that possible for some of your grumbly situations? It may not change the situation, there may be things that you just have to do. But is it possible that this reframe is could be of use to you? Maybe in some situations. Now I also want to name that if you're under immense stress, or if you're a caregiver, whether that's have children, whether you know they're your own or not, or you're a caregiver of adults, This all may seem off or impossible for you. And it's made even more difficult if you're a solo caregiver, especially if you have identities that are historically under resourced. But still I have to ask, is there anything you can do to create space for yourself? We live in a society that's very individual focused, rather than community based. So I want to offer this inquiry to you could you reach out for support. So that way, you have some space to step away and pour a little love on yourself? Because there are people out there who would love to support you. And if you're worried about the toll that would place on them, don't worry about it, because they can say no or not right now. So just consider it. You know, we often feel so alone, we often feel like we can't hand over some responsibility or just a pause and let someone else hold it for us for a little while. And so we don't ask, we don't seek it. But I encourage you to, I encourage you to because it's there, there are little pockets and people are really dying to help. Some people don't want to impose. They want to don't want to make it seem like you need the help. Right? Like there's just so many. There are just so many reasons on both ends, right of why people feel the way we do and why we do or don't ask for something and so I encourage you to ask if you can.
My friends, the last part that I want to talk about in this conversation about love is love to oneself and you had to know that was coming. Now, in society self love has taken on quite a few different meanings. It could plain and simple be not harming yourself or on a different level. It could be not punishing your body or it could be punishing I should say you can be punishing your body in workouts or dieting to be healthy or to show care of yourself. On a very surface of low by and level self love has been reduced to the face masks massages, allowing yourself the rare indulgence here or there. It could also be synonymous with self acceptance. Self love in a very twisted way has also been connected to ambition and intensity of working hard as well as the action of Enjoying the reward because you deserve it due to sad work. Friends, it's so freakin messy. It really is. But here's the thing about truly loving yourself and self acceptance. It has to run deep and there can't be anything that stuffed into the closet to be kept in hiding or under wraps. There has to be an understanding of oneself, of who you are and who you are not. Most importantly, you cannot say you love yourself, to others or to yourself, when there are parts of you that you're ashamed of, or hiding or trying to undo, period. And you have to forgive yourself for past mistakes or shortcomings. And especially for my perfectionist friends, including myself, or those who have always had to take care of others before themselves. You have to forgive yourself for the shit that didn't go right. That wasn't your responsibility or in your control. A question that often comes up with my clients, when we talk about the connection between self love and self acceptance is how do you achieve self acceptance? When you also have desires to better yourself? Or to do things differently in certain areas of your life? Or maybe change some things about you? How can you reconcile between the two? Because it's a reality to want to grow to it, it's normal to want to shift and change with time. So when the question comes up, I answer with a question of my own surprise, surprise. And I asked is this need or want? Or what have this need or want is coming from you and what's coming from dominant culture. The truth is, we're conditioned from a young age about what's healthy, what's right and what's successful. Our quote unquote schooling, in some areas of life starts before we are even school aged. And when we meet society's guidelines of healthy good, right and successful, we're praised. The world is then made for us. So we learn that we are lovable. And thus we just do we develop self love. But in any way that we are less than different or shorter of a mark, we are unhealthy that right we are deemed bad, wrong, unsuccessful, and unlovable. So we develop self judgment, self criticism and self loathing. By friends, we are walking around with many understandings and lessons that were given to us, some of which we don't even remember learning. And it's these lessons and understandings that form the shoulds, we impart on ourselves, like, I should be doing this, I shouldn't be doing that, I should have done or achieved this already. I should be this way, not that way. And my response, here is why? Why should you do? Or should you do? Or should you have done this thing? Or not done this thing? Why should you be this way? And not this way? Who says, in this change, or the shift that you want? Why do you want or need to do this? What's the route? Is it because of a way you want to feel? Maybe a more settled way within yourself? Or do you want to experience life in a more resourced way? Or is it because you think that you'll simply be happier, less stressed, more accepted, more likeable, more of something good and less of something bad? Is it because society or your family said this is what's right or healthy or successful. And here's the thing, many of the people I work with, within the holistic self care collective my mentorship program, they're not sure. They're not sure if the need is coming from them or society. And that's often surprising to them, because they feel like it should be really clear. But actually, it shouldn't be. Because if you're in the process of wrapping your brain around the fact that many of the understandings you have are not ones you chose for yourself, then you won't yet have the discernment developed in being able to determine whether it is the desired shift is coming from an innate need or to align with society or your family's beliefs. And that's a real mindfuck there is some really huge unlearning that needs to happen here and a reckoning with a lot of the truth that you hold. And when I say you, I mean us we because this is the same for myself. If a shift is coming from what society or your family has deemed right and good, ultimately, despite your best intention and effort, the action will not be out of self love, it will be coming out of a should and it will uphold the idea that you are unlovable and not worthy of love unless you achieve or are a certain way. So let me ask you Do What if self love was self acceptance in the moment for what is and what isn't? What if you said fuck it to the norms and standards? What if self love was embracing your shortcomings, mistakes and all the parts of you that you are ashamed off? What if self love was a devotion to yourself right now that deeply honors yourself takes the time to consider yourself your feelings, needs, desires, and uses your inner wisdom as your daily guide as your barometer as your thermostat as your North Star. What if instead of shutting yourself, you ask yourself, what would be supportive for me right now? What would be a small step in the direction of what I want to achieve or feel? My friends, I want you to be loyal to yourself, worship yourself be in constant observance in observance of yourself, both in witnessing yourself and fulfilling and respecting your requirements, because they matter. And what if you realize shit, I really do need to be more patient, or probably more vegetables or workout more or not let my anxiety run amok. And instead of shooting yourself into the most intense change that restricts your behavior, or basically, like trying to exercise yourself, you chose a more sustainable and gentler path. Friend, you are an individual with very specific characteristics and a makeup that's 100% yours alone, you're not the same as anyone else. Your experiences are your own, and your identities as well as your experiences. And at the intersection of the matter. There's an elemental reason why you are the way you are and why you're not some other ways. And this is why I love are your data science and wisdom, it centers this fact and uses it as the foundation for determining aligned practices that will support shifts and changes you desire. And it's with all of this information that I support clients in creating a personalized self care plan with an intensity and understanding of you specifically, your energy in your capacity. And then we walk together and figuring out ways for you to come to terms with old beliefs, untrue truth, you see what I did there untrue truth and ideas that no longer serve you that these things that are actually standing in the way of self love and self acceptance. And is this process that we do that centers love, understanding and acceptance in the truest and deepest sense of the words. It's from a place of nourishing resourcing and harmonizing and loving yourself not restricting, punishing or acting out of fear or shame. So, friend, if you're ready for a more supportive and sustainable way forward, I invite you to join me for a personalized self care plan. And I've included the link to that in the show notes. In the meantime, this month, I encourage you to open space for engaging in or deepening your spiritual and emotional practices, open space for exploring a deeper, more authentic and maybe even radical relationship with self love and open space for pleasure and play that's for you. My friend, there is no part of you that is unlovable and you are 100% capable of loving. It is your divine right to be loved exactly as you are, unconditionally by yourself and others. And it is your divine right to feel safe to openly love yourself and others exactly as you are is your divine right to shift and change that you can be more nourished, resourced and balanced and more your self. It is your divine right to decide what love is and what it isn't and where your boundaries are. As you continue your inquiry of relationship, or your relationship with self love and love itself, be tender
with yourself. Center rest, release rejuvenation, regeneration, regeneration. And remember you've got seven categories to choose from physical, mental, sensory, creative, emotional, social, spiritual, with tons of options in between. Until next time, my friend, please be kind and gentle to yourself just as you would to those who are more most precious to you. Whether that's a human and animal, baby or a plant. I'd love to hear your thoughts about the support and guidance I provided in this episode. So please feel free to reach out and share with me I love love, love to hear from you all. And if you've been loving the show, please share it with your nearest and dearest and leave a rating or review. I am so grateful for you take good care and stay connected. My friend you are a badass and you are enough. Be well
