Commitmentphobia with Natasha Chandel (host of Kinda Dating)

3:31AM May 7, 2022

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Why are we all such commitmentphobes? That's the question Natasha Chandel tries to answer on her podcast kinda dating. And she's here today to give her two cents plus tell us her own love story, which just may have changed her mind about commitment. I'm Sarah Wendell.

I'm Alisha Rai. I welcome to lovestruck daily where we bring a love story to your ears every single day. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. Sarah, Guess what time it is.

What time is it, Alicia, it is

time to do our New York Times quiz. 36 questions to fall in love. Yay. We do this every week. We're trying to get to know each other better, even though we already know each other really well. But yeah. And also so people can get to know us. Very important as well. So here is today's question. Ready? Yes. If you could wake up tomorrow, having gained any one quality or ability? Ooh, that's a good question. What would it be? Oh, natural or supernatural?

Oh, you I just throw the supernatural in there. Because I was gonna go like,

Oh, let's do natural first,

okay, natural. I want a volume knob to turn down my anxiety when I need to.

I think that's also supernatural.

There we go, I've covered both my bases. I both want to turn down my anxiety when it gets too loud. I want to turn down the voice that's mean to me, which is also me, I want to just basically be able to turn that part the volume of it down. So I have energy to devote to the things that I want to do as opposed to spending energy managing when I feel overwhelmed and anxious and shame full about it. Yeah. What about you?

I mean, I think mine is kind of similar. I was like very late in life diagnosed ADHD. So I think for me, it would be the ability to, I think there's a lot of cool things about Wow, I love how I cut myself off there. So you can see. But I think there's a lot of cool things I'll first say about my brain and how it works. But it would be really cool, especially when I'm on a deadline to be able to focus at will. Because oftentimes it is not it. Well, it is whenever my brain wants and on whatever my brain wants, and that be very exhausting. So So yeah, I think it would for me, it would be like that. Brains are fun. Brains are delightful. I have a supernatural one to please tell me, I would like to be a human lie detector. I think I'm really good at detecting lies to begin with. But I would like to just look at someone because I think that would have helped me a lot in my dating life. Oh, just a little. Yeah, a little. Yeah.

Well, speaking of trusting and learning to commit to people, we have an outstanding guest today.

I'm very excited for this guest Yes,

we are so excited to welcome the Tasha Chen Delta. Onto the show today. Natasha is a dating influencer writer and comedian and host of the podcast kind of dating, which explores the question of why so many people have commitment issues. Natasha is a delight. And she has so many great insights from her years of hosting her podcast and she has a really adorable love story of her own. Please welcome Natasha.

Thank you so much for coming on. We really appreciate it. And we're very excited.

Oh my gosh, I'm so happy that you guys invited me. Thank you. Yeah.

And you are a fellow podcast host of the love and relationships podcast that I am. So tell us a little bit about yourself because you have quite a unique love story that resonated pretty strongly with me because I think we have kind of similar stories, but but tell us about yours. Where did it start? Or when did it start? Should I say oh my

gosh, probably like most people, I had a lot of situation ships and unhealthy relationships. I was kind of known for I was in very long monogamous relationships since I was 16 or two, let's do three monogamous long ones. And then I ended up in sort of an abusive relationship and decided forget this, I'm gonna go the other way. So I was like, can't beat them, join them. And so I became like a commitment phobe for five and a half years and openly talks about like sort of everybody without really thinking about it. I was like, This guy's can do it. Why can I and then came out of that with a lot of therapy and then kind of called myself a reformed commitment phobe. So then I took a year off dating and 2019 and was like, actively decided I'm not going to date and in 2010 Honey, when I finally came back, I had rarely done dating apps not just because of my personality, and then decided, like, forget this, like, let me try a dating app. So I tried hinge. And then I was like, so tired of guys surprising me with some fun fact on a date. So, you know, I also dabble in cocaine. And I was like, Okay, well, no judgment. I just don't want that in my life. So I just like decided to pay and do a three month paid hinge where I like, pick their height and like, and like every single I was like, no drugs, no, this no that like, I was just being extra picky. Because I probably was too open. So then my third date was with this lovely guy named Luis from Madrid, Spain. And I remember going like looking at his profile, and he kind of like, red flagged me a little because he didn't have a lot in his bio, like, in the hinge thing. And I'm very much about like watching how people write stuff. Yeah, but I'm not gonna lie. He was hot. So I was like, Okay, I'll skip it. He's hot. He's from Spain. Like, let's go out. And so we went on our first date, which was just like drink set, you know, a bar restaurant. I remember we started at 730. I left at 11 because I was like, Hey, I'm so sorry. I have a audition in the morning. And I think he thought I was faking it. And I was like, no, no, I promise, like rare audition at 8am. I have to leave. And this is three weeks before the pandemic in February 2012. Or not even not even oh my god, it's two weeks because it was, I think March 1. Oh, wow. No, yeah. Terrible. So then, and like, we had been talking on hinge for a bit, but I got the first round of COVID. So I was like being sheisty with him. Yeah. And so like, I was really sick for three weeks. So he thought that I was ghosting him because I just wouldn't respond. And then I was like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I like legit was sick. So getting us to this like first date was already an ordeal and we always say like it only happened because of him being persistent because another person might have just felt I was ghosting them. But it wasn't I was honestly like sick. So on our first date, I like ordered a hot toddy because I was like, oh my god, I still have like a man cough and I don't want him to, you know, like, think I have COVID. So I anyway, so this this date went well, but I wasn't sure you know, I didn't think like that's the love of my life. I just thought like, oh, I had a really great time. I do find them attractive. Okay, like let's, let's see one more time. And so then he asked me on a second date. And our second date he invited me he says he doesn't know that. He he says he didn't know that I loved magic shows. But I think I had mentioned that I had recently gone to Magic Castle and but he got us tickets to this really cool underground magic show. Oh, in like a bar restaurant called Black rabbit rose, which is amazing. Oh, okay, I'll check that out. So cool. Because it Magic Castle used to dress up a lot. And yeah, and this is like totally cash. But it's a super fun show. And, and so then we went to that. And I'm never like I'm notoriously, the girl who like won't kiss on a first or second day. Like, it takes me a little second to like build that physical attraction to somebody. And I just sat next to him. And I was like, I need this guy to kiss me. So I just like I kept feeling like the heat. And so I was like rubbing his legs or like clearly like Uber flirting. And then we ended up going to like a bar next door and like dancing the night away. And I just call it my perfect date because it had magic dancing. And then at the end, we ended up eating pizza. And I got home at 330 in the morning. Oh, that is rare for me. I do not do like long dates, let alone. All of that. Yeah. And so I came back and I told my friends very cautiously optimistic. I was like, Guys, I think I had the best date have ever had. And they were like, Oh my God, you never talked like that. So. So I was like, Yeah, well, let's see. And then on a Saturday, we were supposed to go to a really fancy restaurant called the bazaar. And he got, you know, reservation there. And I was so excited. And then Thursday they announced a lockdown at and so I called him and I was like hey, I mean I wouldn't normally do this but like you want to come over instead and like we'll make dinner and hang out

I will be right back after this short break.

And then that turned into a weekend of like, I stopped counting how many times we had sex. We were both like, Okay, this isn't normal. Neither of us could ever, like maintain this pace. But it was great as like, you know that that first weekend, Rob, and that and then we were just sort of in a relationship because we had talked about it and said, Hey, do you want you know, for safety reasons? Are you cool if we keep it adjust us and we both agreed. So I think it sped something up. So we didn't become official for six months, we were exclusive. And we already knew that because nobody else was in the relationship. And I don't know, I just felt like there was no distractions. And now we just had our we're over two years we live together, moving in felt like not a big deal. Because we I felt like we were already kind of living together during this pandemic. You know, like those really, really dead days in the pandemic like the Yeah, the ones where like, you had run out of all the shows to watch. And those nights we like, made up I remember one day we did a fake Soul Train party. Just me. Oh my god. Yeah. Then we did like a karaoke. And I hate karaoke. But we were like doing a karaoke party. And then one night, we just sat next to each other and played Super Mario Brothers. Like, we downloaded the video game on our phone, and we're just like, playing next to each other. And then I was like, All right, like, if the fact that we can make these like completely boring moments fun. We're gonna be okay. And yeah, now, you know, here we are.

So when did you your podcast is called kinda dating, which is a great, great name. So when did you start this podcast?

I started it in 2016. Okay, so for a while? Yeah, before? Yeah, Ohio podcasts. Like I literally used to tell people, I have a podcast and people were like, what is that? I was like, there's an app on your phone. Your Podcast really didn't blow up till I would say late 2018, maybe 2019. And you know, especially for women, too, because the podcasts were mostly male, male oriented. But yeah, we started in 2016. I call it a kind of dating because nobody says they're in a relationship anymore. And I was talking about it, you know, from the point of view as a reformed commitment phobe, but sort of our tagline is trying to figure out why we all have commitment issues. So that's what every episode is about.

Have you noticed, like, as your podcast changed over the years, from when you started to now, how is it how has it transformed?

Oh, my gosh, the episodes themselves haven't changed as much, but definitely us as, as hosts have changed. You know, when I started the podcast, I was in a relationship where I was living with the guy for episodes in the podcast, he cheated on me. And that changed? Yeah. And so you know, during the punches, people have seen me in relationships out of probably in the last couple of years, and starting around before I changed my own ways in 2019. I think they it's much more stable of me as a person. And I think it's just evolved of, we've always tried to go deep, we can talk about deep things. And it still be funny, because I'm a comedian. And I think we've just gotten deeper into that, and like been able to explore different areas like that other people have come to us and said they really appreciate

it. What has surprised you the most about doing this show?

Is you know, it surprises me and not surprises me that so many people are struggling, you know, with the with the dating part. Yeah, I wanted to share information that I wish somebody told me when I was younger, I had nobody to talk to you. I don't know if you guys felt that. But like, my mom and I are close, but because I'm Indian, I wasn't even allowed to say I was dating somebody. So when I was going through stuff, I didn't have anybody to turn to or make me look at something in a different way. And so I feel like we have so many more resources. And I'm always surprised that people even with knowing information, aren't ready to change, you know, but like, but say that we all say that we are Yeah, you know, and so it's like for me, it's like having to learn to keep that patience and go right like people will get it when their time comes to get it. Yeah, but sometimes you're also like, no, but you see everything. And like you actually know why, like some of us didn't know why we were doing it but Like, you know,

it's hard for everyone. Yeah, in one way or another. It's hard. I mean, I felt like I was so experienced and I had had so many good and bad relationships. It was like this should be easy. At this point. It was never like meshing two people together two or more people together. It's never easy at all. And episode

four, it was the day that I did the how to heal from a breakup episode. And my boyfriend just broke up with me. Oh, because I feel like what do you what do you do was when you're in a breakup, you're worried about like, what's going to happen next? How do you not worry about if I'll ever find somebody or what's going to happen? And she said something very simple, but it always stayed with me for different aspects of my life, which was, instead of being scared, become curious. Oh,

that's good advice.

And that's excellent advice. Yeah.

Instead of going like, oh my god, I wonder what's going to happen. shifted to, I wonder what's gonna happen. And that little thing like, makes you kind of think of it in like a fun way. And so then I was like, Oh, I wonder who's gonna like, What guy is going to show up next time at my door? You know, like, who am I going to match with next? versus, like, oh my god, I'm never gonna meet somebody.

Yeah. Where can people find you on the internet?

I am all over the internet. You know, if you want the podcast, kind of dating is available on all podcast platforms and mine. I'm at Natasha Chandela and Instagram, Natasha dot chandelle on Tik Tok. Natasha underscore Chanda on Twitter.

Well, thank you so much for coming on. We really appreciate it. This has been so much fun. We hope we can see you again sometime. Yeah, yeah.

Why we'd love to have you guys on kind of dating fair available.

Yeah, that would be awesome. We could do a podcast swap.

Yeah. Let's do it. I would love it.

I love this plan.

Thank you, Natasha.

Thank you guys.

Sarah, that was quite a delight. What is your love to go for

today? I love how much your stories overlap. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah. But my love to go is to choose curiosity over fear. I think that is such good advice.

It kind of echoes what Katie said a few couple of weeks ago about how you should move forward towards something instead of running away from something. And I think that that's really important. Always try I know, it's hard. Sometimes our brains make it hard.

It's true. And it's something you said to me when I interviewed you for my podcasts seven years ago. Oh, wow. You were talking about dating? And you said well, maybe I'll make a friend. It's not maybe this day it'll go badly. Maybe this will be awful. Maybe I'm wasting my time. Maybe this guy's a jerk. What if it's awful? Maybe I'll make a friend.

Yeah, you know, that's that's the best case sometimes case

scenario. Either that or cakepops and being

Wow, let's go let's go. Let's go with the private Yeah, okay. But we're very curious about your story. So please send an email to lovestruck daily at frolic dot media. If you have a love story to share or any questions or thoughts or reviews, and speaking of reviews, yeah, love your reviews. We actually rely on them pretty heavily for this you know podcasts in general, we need your support. Easiest way to support us is to leave us a review. And we will probably read it out loud because we get really excited we

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Our researcher is Jesse Epstein. Our editor is Jen Jacobs. We are produced by Abigail steckler and little Scorpion studios with executive producer frolic media. This is an I Heart Radio Podcast.

Thank you so much for listening and we hope you have a very happy ever after. I'm in love with you. Love with you. I'm in love with you