2023-03-17-Gil-Love When it is Hard (5 of 5) Pause to Love

3:06PM Mar 17, 2023

Speakers:

Gil Fronsdal

Keywords:

breaths

pause

love

journey

challenge

fear

imc

reconnect

caught

deeper

important

mind

tension

question

technique

anxiety

capacities

loop

life

concerns

So hello, and welcome to the last talk on working, including love as part of the practice of being with challenges. Love in times of challenge. And I think that it's fair to say that when we have challenges, it's almost a definition of a challenge is that it preoccupies concerns us it affects us in some sometimes deep way. And it's easy then to that preoccupation to lose track of some of the important values and important capacities we have. And one of them is love. That sometimes some challenges, we get caught up in anger, and blame. And that can be a loop of anger, kind of triggers more anger, blame triggers, more reasons to blame, we could be caught up in fear. And that also can be a loop where fear evokes more fear. Fear gives rise to more fear thoughts, that produces more fear. There could be greed or ambition or there could be problem solving mind comes into mind. And the problem solving mind is so absorbed in itself, that it leaves out a lot of the background of who we are, that actually is there to support us and help us find a way find a solution. And so to take to pause long enough, so that more of who we are more of our resources and our capacities and can be present, as we're there with a challenge. So we're not the attention and the concerns haven't been narrowed or haven't been hijacked, or haven't been caught in loops, that are not so helpful. So one of the classic techniques for a wise life is to pause. And mindful pause can make all the difference in the world. So we're not kind of on automatic pilot. But we pause long enough to see where we have some choice. And one of the simple choices we can have, is to pause a little bit longer. And this technique of doing using three breaths, to ground ourselves, to interrupt the mind streams, to remind ourselves of what's important, is a valuable thing to do. And three breaths, hopefully, you almost always have time for three breaths. And if you don't feel like you have time for it, then really take a good look at the situation is, you know, the truck barreling down at you is the mountain lion. Growling is really some threat and danger that's immediate, or is it not? If not, then question whether you can't just pause for three breaths. And one way of supporting that maybe, is that to realize that love, that does take time. If love is important for you. It takes time for it to make time for it and make room for it. And even if it's not readily available, pause and maybe recognize that and pause and recognize is not present. But rec find out is it? How important is it for you? Is it important enough for you that you wish it was there that the wishing love was there is in fact the beginning of love. Provided the wish is soft is without expectation without demands without comparisons and judgments. Just a very simple wish. So if you can take the time to pause for three breaths, three breaths journey. And the simplest version of the three breaths journey is to simply stop and take three breaths mindfully presently and sometimes it busy life running around doing many things. That's where that's so powerful. That's to take the three breaths journey. Maybe you drive someplace, and then maybe you're going late a little bit, or you're a little bit tense around it. Before you get out of your car after it's parked. sit there quietly and take the three breaths journey. And now this busyness, the racing of the mind, might be then quieted, you might be reconnected yourself, just three breaths sometimes can, in the busy life can just kind of reset things, maybe not dramatically, but enough to make a difference. If you're standing in a line in a store, at three breaths journey, if you turn on your computer, to look at something, before you look, before you open the monitor, take a three breath journey. So that the, the momentum of stress the momentum of tension of desires with doing doesn't have the upper hand when you sit down to look at the computer. So you're ground yourself in something else, besides the momentum of the mind that's maybe been busy all day long. So So then, another variation of a three breath journey is to have the first first breath, just be a grounding in the breathing. The second one is to use the breath, maybe the exhale to relax and soften. And the third breath to ask the question, where's the love, where's love, or just say love. And sometimes in these three best journeys that can be helpful, if the breaths are a little bit deeper than usual longer than usual. And maybe it's a little bit hard to keep that up, you might come out of breath. But for three breaths, maybe you can do that. So the longer breath maybe, is grounding and connecting. But to ask the question, where's the love? And see what arises, it might that might be enough to reconnect you to it, it might be enough for you to realize that you think something is more important than love right now. And if that's the case, it's good to really know that, see that in yourself, wow. Am I pissed off at someone? And yes, certainly, that's more important than love. And if I give in to love now, or take the time to love during one breath, then I don't know. It's, I'm not following my responsibility, the need the requirements of the situation to be angry. To pause and see, that's what the mind is thinking and how it is, might give pause, give occasion to pause even more. Really, is that true? Is that really how I want to live my life? Where are some love? Can I be angry and have love at the same time? Maybe we can do it maybe then the anger takes is changes its nature to a very different form. Maybe it takes the hostility out of the anger. Maybe there's still fear when there's love, but with love, fear doesn't take the center stage is not the only game in town. Maybe what the love needs, is love it what the fear needs is some love. And that's often a good principle, that when there's fear, there's a need for love. Unless it's, you know, an imminent threat. With you know, if there's not an imminent threat, probably chronic anxiety, underlying fear that's going on for some time. Maybe it's more to do with reassuring the heart in some deep way. And you're sharing the fear, with love with care with kindness, with acceptance with generosity. So exactly what happens when you ask the question, where's the love will depend on the circumstances depend on you at different times. But it's a powerful question to ask. And to keep it in the forefront. Where's the love here? Where's the love in this challenge? Oh, I forgot that I care about this person. And, or, Oh,

I forgot that. There's love here for myself. That I'm so lost in the challenge, that I'm not caring for myself, I'm actually harming myself with a tension that I'm, that I have. So, taking time to pause the three breaths journey, it's a wonderful technique. It's something that can be applied in daily life in many circumstances, no one needs to know you're doing it. It can be done in the bathroom, when no one's around. It can be done, as I said, the cars when you're parked your car before you start your car when you're on your device. And in many circumstances, and it allows us to reconnect to some deeper values, some deeper sense of, of being alive, which might change the orientation or the perspective for how you want to continue. Because it's all too easy to be caught up in perspective, caught up in concerns, which are not so healthy, caught up in self preoccupation, caught up in giving our beliefs too much authority. And, and so to have a way to cut through that, I have a way to interrupt that to have a way to question that, to reconnect to something deeper. And something as simple as their three breaths journey might do that. And it might do it sometimes better than simply pausing to be mindful of the situation that can still come that can come after the three breaths journey to really tune in. But then the quality of the mindfulness quality, the attention might be a little bit different or softer or caring. If you've gone through the three best journey first. Where's the love? Where's the care? Where's the kindness? Where's the friendliness? Where's the generosity? Where's the respect? Where's the reverence? Where is

valuing yourself, valuing your own well being. valuing yourself, respecting yourself caring for yourself, so that you don't perpetuate unnecessary stress, tension, hostility, criticism, anxiety, that is kind of enter into kind of automatic pilot, that we're just kind of living that way and not questioning it, not dropping down, not offering love to ourselves. In all the challenges that we face, life is challenging. Sooner or later, it's challenging for everyone. It doesn't mean, we can't stop briefly, to love and appreciate and respect ourselves. So thank you. And I hope that this week on bringing love to bear to inform how we go through challenges is useful for you. And I appreciate the chance to talk about it. So I appreciate it. Thank you. And I'll be here Monday through another week. And then the following week. Nikki Mirghafori is going to come back and do the the the 7am teaching and you know slowly we're warming up or taking up the activities we have here in person at IMC so if you're at all living in, you know, within you know, close enough to come to IMC you might want to check out the calendar or check out the What's New and and see what's here tonight we have beginning of the parents group meeting again that we used to have and we have things on Saturday and all kinds of things. And it's it's been wonderful to see people coming back here. And it's been three years. There hasn't been that much activity here. So thank you and you May you be well