[143] Cultivating Compassion Through Mindful Listening – with Joe Parent

6:08PM Feb 5, 2024

Speakers:

joseph

Birgit Matzerath

katywolf

Keywords:

breathe

practice

awareness

beings

feel

suffering

breath

listen

interrupting

gaze

poem

posture

open

mind

space

compassion

body

tranquility

absorb

torso

Thank you, Alisa. Sorry to have interrupted you and corrected you. Keep that in mind, we're going to be talking about that a

little bit later.

So Happy New Year to everybody. I certainly hope 2024 is better in many ways than 2023. We all have our hopes and fears about that. And it's nice to be back with all of you, and to see some new faces. So welcome. What we're going to do today, I thought, given the turmoil in the world and the extraordinary amount of suffering going on, and also the polarity and divisiveness in our conversations, I thought we could spend a little extra time in our practice of sending and taking if you haven't been here before, the practice of sending and taking the Tibetan word is Tong Len. And it is a practice directed towards in two directions, one to overcome self cherishing, and to be more compassionate and kind to others. What we're going to do is set that practice up with a basic mindfulness and awareness meditation practice. The mindfulness practice is intended to develop both focus. So that's paying attention and tranquility, of calming down the wildness of mind. The focus part means being more awakened not getting dull. The tranquility part is not getting wild. So the word that's often used for this is shamatha. That's a Sanskrit word that means dwelling in peace or tranquility. Then we expand to awareness. And the Tibet The Sanskrit word for that is I think it sounds good to posh Anna. And that means inside or clear seeing. So once we have it's like choppy, choppy waves on a lake. Once there, once the wind calms down, you can see clearly through the water to the bottom. But until you have some tranquility, you it's hard to develop insight. Insight doesn't arise it can't really arise in the midst of emotional upheaval. I like to say you can't think straight when you're bent out of shape. So, something to remember. Using that as a basis, then we want to expand our vision and have awareness of the scope. of of the space within which all beings are experiencing something similar all living beings, all sentient beings. So you can think of that as like everything under the sky, everyone under the sky, all, we all share something in common. Now. Too often, we focus on the differences between ourselves and others. The idea the practice that we're working with is trying to tune into the sameness of ourselves and others what's what do we have in common? We all have the potential for waking up. That sometimes referred to as Buddha nature, or basic goodness, we all have the potential for wisdom. We all have the potential for really true, selfless love, caring, and compassion. What gets in the way of those are the afflictive negative emotions that are represented by different aspects of ignorance in the form of closed mindedness and misunderstanding. Attachment in the form of greed, lust for Power and aversion in the form of hatred, anger. Wanting to bring others down to make ourselves feel, to move ourselves up. So all of those get in the way of the development of these capacities that we have for wisdom and, and love or compassion. So we want to the practice that we do is to go against those tendencies. And when we open up to the awareness that all beings share, that wish for well being, and the desire, the need to be free from suffering. From pain, anxiety, basically from suffering in body and mind, and well being of body and mind. That's something that all beings under the sky share. So if our awareness is as big as the sky, we can, we can take that all sentient beings within that, and say, You know what, I'm connected with all of them. Even though we may see things differently, we share this in common. And so we start with an intention. And in the Buddhist tradition, this intention is called. Sometimes it's called the the four and measurables. You know, it's very interesting to some people, that the way things are translated, we have all of the Buddha's teachings in English or whatever our languages, whatever country we're in, but but there's a pretty, pretty solid chance that the Buddha did not teach in English. And so, so we have to understand that these were teachings that were passed down, the spirit of these teachings were passed down, the expression of these teachings were passed down, but they were translated. And the the positive aspects of the Buddhist teachings are that the wisdom was transmitted from teacher to student, and sometimes from one culture to another, from a teacher in one culture to another from India, to Tibet, from to Tibet, to the west, from India, to Southeast Asia, to China, from China, to Japan, all of the and Korea from all of these different cultures, the essence of the teachings was passed on.

And so we can look at some of the words and sometimes understand them a little differently, but the basic thrust is these are called the Four Immeasurables are for immeasurable minds. Meaning, a state of mind, that's the highest as far as human beings go. So, the first one is, may all beings enjoy happiness and the causes of happiness. Always say happiness. Sometimes I like to translate that as well being, well being in body and mind.

But usually, it's translated as happiness. And there's a reason and that is it's a temporal happiness, it's a temporary happiness, happiness and the causes of happiness. And then the second is, may all beings including ourselves, so we can say May all experience freedom from suffering and the causes of suffering.

The third one goes deeper. And that is may all dwell in can or can or reside basically reside in the deeper, pervasive well being that goes beyond that continues through and is uninterrupted or unchanged by the vagaries the variances in happiness in temporary happiness and suffering. And last is May all beings dwell and abide in a deep sense of equanimity. And sometimes it's translated as equality.

Free from the bias free from being biased by attachment and aversion.

So relating with the world on that way, seeing all as equal, free from the bias of attachment and aversion. So that's our intention. That's what we, that's our motivation. I'd be happy that we practice on behalf of others, to make the world a better place. What I wanted to work with today I have a new friend who lives in Germany and grew up in Kyiv. In Ukraine. And we're working together on a, a tong Len based on a poem by a woman from Jamaica, and it's about listening. So I thought, we could just focus on that aspect of things. And work with our tongue learn practice, or sending and taking exchanging self for others practice using some of the lines from this poem, so we'll get ourselves grounded and settled and mindful. And then open up our awareness to the environment, connect with an awareness as big as the sky. And then we'll start our sending and taking practice, which is, it's not so much a meditation as it is a contemplation. So that we actually think about things and have images of things. So we'll have an image of what gets in the way of listening to others. And we'll have an image of how we can better listen to others. That's going to be the work of our timeline. So I'll put the the poem up on the screen. And then I'll guide through the tonglen practice using lines from the poem. So let's begin. And for the part, when we open up into awareness, and mindfulness, we're going to start with our eyes closed and kind of get settled, and then open our eyes. And so you don't want to be looking directly into your screen. So you can either move that your device to the side, or, or turn a little bit to the side. And one aspect of the posture that I'm going to go through, I do want to focus on raising up our sternum, just a little bit up and forward, so that it opens our eyes, it's a feeling of opening our heart. It makes the breath flow more fully and it's better for us. And it also moves our shoulders a little bit back and in line with our posture. It does a lot of good things. Just slightly raising the breastbone, sternum, slightly raised and up and out. But to start with, just close your eyes and get settled in your seat, whether it's a cushion on the floor or your chair. Feel your sit bones. Let your eyes gently close and get get into your body out of your head into your body. sit bones, even so your weight isn't one side or the other. Feel like you're not leaning one side or the other. You're not leaning forward or back. Ideally, you don't want to be leaning back against your Unless your physical needs require that just sitting upright

you want to stay connected with your legs if they're crossed in front of you make sure your knees are slightly below your hips, if possible. If you're in a chair and your feet are flat on the floor again, if you have long legs, just cross your legs at your ankles. Not the same distance away from your body as as your knees

so your knees are a little bit under your hips, it takes the pressure you don't you don't strain as much with your legs in your lower back. Now your torso won't be upright but not stiff.

And again, we're not feeling like we're tilted one direction or the other. And continue that feeling of not tilted one way or the other. With the back of your neck as if the back of your neck and the back of your head are straight up extensions of your spine. Two heads not tilted forward or tilted back with your chin up. Your chin is not sticking out so that your head is pushed forward. Straight up extension of your spine. If you raise your breastbone, your shoulders come nicely into place your upper arms or vertical grip perpendicular to the floor and your hands are just lightly placed on top of your thighs, each thigh each hand on the respective thigh, palm down on your thigh. This is a traditional posture called resting the mind.

Just be in your body. Feel your body as the breath comes in. Because your diaphragm moves up and down to bring the breath in and push it out. It can feel like the breath going all the way down deep into your torso. You're using your whole body to your whole torso to breathe that way

of checkout from the top of your head all the way down to your feet. Is there any are there any areas of tension that you haven't been aware of that you don't need to hold your posture, your jaw, very common. Your lips just slightly touching or very lightly parted. And when you're very relaxed, saliva can flow a little bit more easily. So one thing that helps to reduce that is to let your tongue float. Just rest up lightly touching the upper palate just behind your front teeth. If that's uncomfortable, you can let your tongue just be as it is and there's no problem if you have some saliva, just swallow it. Don't worry about that interrupting your practice. So relax your jaw without it hanging open your shoulders maybe up and you don't even realize it really let them hang a canvass hanging from a tent pole

your lower back. You need to use that a bit to hold your posture, but your deep belly and pelvic region. Often were clenching those and don't realize it. Let them soften without you losing your posture

arms and hands. As you breathe out, just feel the tension slowing down and out of your hands, your torso, your legs

let your awareness rest deep in your core

The deepest place you feel like your breath goes down to you really, it's really your breath is going in your lungs, but, but it feels like as your diaphragm goes down, that is pulling the breath deep into your core. A couple of inches below your navel just in front of your spine to your awareness rest there it's quiet down there a little bit of movement like, like Eddie's gentle currents at the bottom of a pond

let your body breathe by itself. No need to control how big or small breaths you're taking

just be aware of that feeling down in your core. The breath coming in and filling. Breath emptying and going out

into today, we're going to simply count those breaths. One in, two out, three in, four out. We'll go to 15 and then start over again. Now if your mind wanders off into a daydream, and you've lost count simply started the last number you remember

if your mind has played the trick of counting while you're thinking and you notice you're on 17 or 18, or 19, just smile and start over at one. So we'll go to I meant 16 Not, not 15 Because you finish on outbreath and even number outbreath. One, two. So you finish on 16 come back. We'll do that for a couple of minutes.

This practice let your eyes open just about halfway. So you have some awareness of your body sitting in space as it's breathing.

In one, two, out two, in three, four and so on

As the gong fades, straighten your posture open your eyes fully and let your gaze just fall naturally in front of you. When you're in a good posture, your eyes end up looking out, not quite up to her is horizon level and not down, but somewhere in between. and soften your gaze, open up your peripheral vision, aware of the whole space in front and around you. Whatever direction your eyes are looking in. Don't hold on to a particular object, but just it's as if you're seeing the space you're sitting in rather than the end of your vision.

This time, we just go out more we're opening up to awareness of the environment. Because the breath goes out, open your awareness.

He says if you're one with the breath and as the breath opens, goes out and dissolves into the atmosphere. Let your awareness go out and open up into the space. Mix your mind with the space and rest in that spacious awareness. The body breathes in by itself. You just pick up again on the out breath. You're aware of the body breathing in more tint into the space. Open to the space and rest in spaciousness. We'll do that for a couple of minutes.

for compassion practice, raise your gaze further

out to the horizon.

alleging that with each out breath, your awareness extends beyond your, the room you're in and out beyond the area that you're in to the horizon, out to the sky, that your mind, be as big as the sky and within that vast mind

bring the thought of sentient beings of all beings, living under that sky. And in connecting yourself, in your heart center, your heart of compassion and kindness. Feel the kindness that you want to send to all those beings. For them to experience kindness for them to feel happiness and well being. Your tender heart of kindness, but that radiate out

feel your tender heart of sadness, and all the suffering going on in the world. That's your heart of compassion, the tender heart of sadness and feel the wish that you could absorb into your heart of compassion, all of that suffering and take it away. Relieve all beings of the suffering in body and mind. absorb that and like an air purifier. radiate out. Send out the kindness, of happiness and well being in body and mind to all beings

establish that wish, wish that you could send all that out and you could take their suffering away. Join it with your breath and as you breathe out, extend that wish to others the wish for their happiness and well being Reason, the wish for their relief from suffering and the causes of suffering feel the rhythm of that exchange sending out kindness absorbing with compassion radiating kindness

now I'm going to put a poem on the screen I'll read it and then guide you through some timeline connected to this poem. Today I will listen without interrupting, without prejudging, without second guessing, without gazing, without rehearsing, without discounting, without filtering, without correcting, without contradicting. Today I will just listen. Today I will listen with attention, with humility, with respect, with patience, with understanding, with our with gladness, with empathy, with warmth, with gratitude, with reverence. Today I will just listen

so now listen without interrupting. Breathe in the feelings of impatience and disregard that lead us to interrupt absorb that and and radiate out to yourself and others. attentiveness and respect are the qualities that allow others to express themselves fully. Think of all the impatience and disregard in the world where people interrupt each other. Think of how you do that. Breathe all that into your heart of compassion and radiate out attentiveness and respect patience

breathe in impatience and dismissiveness. radiate out attentiveness and respect

we're here hear a few words and pre judge the other person in what they're going to say breathe in absorb these jumping to conclusions and biases breather openness acceptance to all perspectives

doesn't mean you agree with it, but you will listen.

Breathing the insecurity and doubt that cause us to second guess

to override what the person is saying

reserve affirming observer point of view that they have that and you will listen to it without an overlay

breathe in, gazing away, checking out detaching.

Breathe in and surrender a quality of being fully present and engaged to absorb that detachment send out engagement

before we've heard the person finish, we're already rehearsing How will respond, breathe in the self centeredness of rehearsing the anxiety that we want to say something on our terms, breathe that in. Sender, spontaneity, authenticity and trust, that we can listen fully before we speak.

Zorbing all of these habits, if we regard them as not so solid and feel the opposite, that we can do that. And others can do that.

If we're discounting what they say as they're saying it breathe in the feelings of dismissal and diminishment without honoring their expression

if we're filtering what they say, listening only to what we want to hear. Breathe in. Breathe out wanting to have a comprehensive understanding, to hear their whole message

if we focus on some mistake they made and are eager to correct them and interrupt breathing that feeling of arrogance and control

center to yourself and others humility and willingness to consider and let you know when to play

if we're ready to contradict, it's kind of like correcting breathe in the feeling of wanting to argue before you've even heard the whole story. Breathe in that selective quality and the readiness to push our point of view without harmony and trying to find common ground.

The rest of the poem has the positive qualities that we want to send out and hope that all beings can embrace

Listening with a tension of humility with respect patience, understanding and gladness empathy and warmth, gratitude and reverence

reason all the tendencies that all beings have a closed mindedness and not wanting to listen to the other person's point of view or distorting filtering interrupting that point of view send out deep listening

is it gonna

get go the concepts

contemplation lower your gaze and just tune into your body your breathing space you're sitting in.

In the same way that we began the practice with our intention of the four immeasurables wishing people beings to be happy and free from suffering. We conclude by dedicating the practice that we did for the benefit of others, so you can repeat after me or put in your own words made the practice I've just done even more benefit to others than to myself

thank you for participating. And this we have a few minutes for discussion. If you if you have to leave right at the top of the hour. Please don't feel bad about that. If you want to stay we usually have a 10 minute overtime period. So people can stay in and continue the discussion. And Alyssa you can just let everybody unmute themselves you can just chime in or raise your hand whatever you'd like

Katie

Well, yeah, first thank you so much. Like everybody said that was just so lovely. So beautiful, so powerful. What I was reminded of as you were going through it was proper relationship, like that's the proper relationship to have the world you know, with ourselves, with others, the environment, you know, Experience experiencing the world is sacred. And each person you know, like that the phenomenal world as teacher, you know, so here's a person talking, you know, like this is a pretty obvious teacher, right? They're talking so anyway, that's what I was reminded of and reminded of Martin Buber Are you familiar with him now and I it like this is a description of a an i thou relationship thank you

good

yeah, thank you so much that was just very deep and meaningful, especially in this time and I was thinking that if you don't you said at some point, how connection is really resonance, like the resonance between to pick between two strings and when you close the space that you listen in or when you hold back at some point, you can't feel you can't feel the resonance resonance needs space and I guess you know, especially when you are conversing with somebody who you know, it has a different opinion than you have. And if you hold on to your opinion, then you can't then the resonance does that may be there that you don't even know cannot connect cannot come into

being so thank you well said if you couldn't if you didn't know before, you're good as a musician?

Thank you for the comments you made in the chat. You know, I've been teaching for a long time and I used to be concerned if there weren't any questions or comments after a presentation. And now I go oh, wow. Everybody's really letting that sink in. That's great.

I'm going to I'll put the name of the poem in the chat and

find that and I'll put it in the chat. Today I will listen that's the name of it

and it's by Marva Macintosh Marva Schande Macintosh.

She's a Jamaican lady. And our friend Eva Shaffer is putting this program of tonglen based on the poem poem together for the I love to listen day, which is May 16. So we'll have another opportunity to check in on that

thank you all again. You are invited to tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning. West Coast time. I 9am West Coast time, whatever time it is where you are, and then that's going to be similar, but and more even a little more time on the mindfulness and awareness practice. And then I'll see you I think I'm on again in two weeks. Alyssa. Yeah. So I'll see you in two weeks on Monday night as if you can't make the Tuesday morning or Thursday morning. I added a couple of Tuesday mornings for people who couldn't do Thursday's. So the calendar should be on my website that Alyssa put up early in the chat. So thank you all. Have a healthy and safe rest of today. And I will see you soon. Thank you, Joe.