it was bad. I'm talking mice, roaches, buses, Jiffy cabs. I don't know if y'all know this. Y'all may or may not be from Chicago, but on the south side, we got this thing called jet livery honey. Some of them call it the Jiffy and baby. This was before Uber came out. If they call themselves cabs, but maybe you will call and be like, Listen, I need to read X, Y and Z they'd be like " Okay, come downstairs, I'm gonna be in a black car", you don't know who he is. You don't know the plates nothing but I used to be in them just like he'd be like, hey, this jet livery, like Lord--Let me get where I gotta go. Like when I say struggle, I mean struggle. I'm talking about negative 500. in my accounts, negative 200 freezes is all my account. Like, it was nothing for me to wake up in a panic or wake up in the middle of the night, because I was so afraid that chase would be like, your account has insufficient funds. And, you know, it wasn't because I was trifling it was because I was in the acting and production world. Now you guys may or may not be familiar when you're in production, or when you're in film, or theater or television, the day you on set ain't the day, you get paid, okay, let's make that very clear. A lot of times, you'll be cast in a project, and they're like, yep, we'll get back to you with 60 days, 90 days, and I didn't have a job from 2013 until 2020. Like, I did not have a full time job first. So for seven years, I was doing freelance work, I was doing production work, and I was doing my acting stuff. And I also was hired by different teaching hospitals here in the city. They hire actors to act like their patients, we get cases and have to present with diseases and pathology and all that stuff. And the students will have to practice their bedside manner on us, we were essentially their test. So if they were doing a test about pulmonary, you know, deficiencies or whatever I would have to come in and be like, Oh, my goodness, my chest hurts, like they would have to identify what I had. Sometimes I had to cry on cue, I did a lot of ob gyny stuff and a lot of things with fertility, like child, he was just acting up a storm. So even that was sometimes a net 30 days. So sometimes I was rich, like rolling in the dough. All of those jobs paid really well. But I never knew when I was gonna get paid. So there were seasons where I just be like, Okay, I got this big chunk of change, let me pay my rent out for three months, because I don't know what else is going on. So it was nothing for me to have insufficient funds, like Chase is probably like, hey, that's the insufficient Queen right there. So I was just broke. I didn't have a car. Like I rode the buses in Chicago and the trains for years. And yes, we have a wonderful public transit situation. But baby I was south east, which means I was always on the red and the green line. And if you live in Chicago, I'm talking about like getting off as 69th you know, I was baby I was in some very precarious situations. And so when I lost my job, I had my savings I got my severance and all that stuff. I still just panicked because it was like, I don't want to go back to none of that I don't want to at all. And you know, I have a Bachelor of Fine Arts in acting. And so I've always had this story in my head where it's like, even if I wanted a real job, who's gonna hire an actress? What a bachelor is at this point where you got to have a master's in a PhD just to flip burgers at Burger King. So you know, I've just really been insecure about my education, even though it was a good one it's still just like, Who wants the theater kid you know, doing whatever so I'm scared I'm panicked, but I have this crazy idea where it's just like well Jessica, you know, you've you've been building this thing, the podcast, the blog, the coaching the courses for the past five years like I've been in this game since May of 2015. And every day of my life since I've started this I've always prayed God please give me enough space and enough energy to do to dog on thang. Like I just want to do this full time and I want to get paid really well to do it. I love I love doing this. I love the podcast. I love sharing my story. I love talking to y'all. I love being vulnerable. I love writing. I want to write a book like I have all these dreams. So even though I'm scared out of my mind, there is something in me like Jessica, this is a gift. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to take control of your own damn life. Okay? And it's still scary. And because it's still scary, right? I know rationally girl, just go out there and get you a job. And my big age of 37 I don't want to work for nobody else, no more. I don't want to commute nowhere. Like I'm grateful for my jobs and all that stuff. I even thought about getting back into production work. And my boss run my production company has made you know, like, hey, but traveling for you know, six months out the year during a pandemic when we didn't have the healthiest practices before. It's like no. So let's go all in. And like I said, even though I'm excited and happy to finally being able to bet on myself, I'm still battling the anxiety that comes with the season of uncertainty, right? And me being my enneagram number three firstborn self, you know, I am very solution based, like, Okay, if I'm feeling anxious every day and I'm scared and I don't want to be stuck, what do I do? So I'm like, Okay, let's go on and on our faith. And y'all know me, if you follow me on social media, you know, I'm always meditating or journaling, or looking up some devotional and reading scriptures and all of that, but I was doing it kind of casually, right? That's how we are when things are good or okay. You just kind of casually be like, " Hey God, you good. I'm good. Okay, let me go on about my business." But baby when you're going through a season. It's so sad that is like that. But it is. And I think that's kind of why God makes us go through or allow seasons to happen to us is to remind us, hey, you're not alone. I'm here with you. Hello. Come on somebody, like lean on me. Talk to me. I'm here. Let me you want to ask me for some guidance. And so during the season, I'm like, God, I need you. I need to hear you. I need to hear these next few steps. What is it that you have me to do? Am I being silly Lord, can you speak up? You know, God? Can you talk a little bit louder? You know, you ask for signs and you pray for things, right? So like I'm praying to have please bless me where I could do my thing full time, please, by the way I could do being full time. And it's like, bam, here you go. You're fired. You let go. You laid off, whatever. Here you go, bam. And I'm like, well God, Can you give me another sign? Because this still feels a little uncomfortable, right?