And so what we what really helped for us is not just tracking our purchases, but also making a commitment to try and grocery shop one time a week. Hi, everyone, welcome back, we are excited to be here together again. And today, I feel like this topic is very relevant for the holidays. And it is financial trauma during the holidays. So we're gonna talk about how that shows up, what that looks like, and some takeaways to help you work through it.
Financial trauma is when you've had a dynamic or an event or a series of events, overwhelming or conflicted dynamics in your household growing up around finances, or when you've had any event or a series of events that have left financial discussions or finances very overwhelming to you. And what happens is that it becomes in your brain, your brain thinks that you're going to die. If these financial things aren't done the way your brain thinks they should be. And, and it can contribute to huge conflicts in families and couples as they prepare for the holidays. Thank you. Okay, that's
really helpful. Okay, so here is my question. Let's give them some, let's give our listeners some solid examples of what that might look like in childhood or in a marriage. Because I know when I was first getting help, if someone hadn't had kind of deconstructed some of the dynamics, I would have just to my grave said that's No, that's, that's not a problem. So what does it look like? It can look several
different ways. So one way it can look is if you had difficult finances, and your holidays, were really stressful, because maybe a parent came to you and talk to you about the finances, or you had a parent so stressed that they were angry when you made requests for gifts, then what your brain does is it says that you have to compensate for your children, your children have to have something better, but the brain is very poor at balance. And so not only are you going to do something to your children, that's better, you're going to go way beyond. And you may engage in gifting or entertaining that somebody else might consider quite lavish. And when the brain is in that fight or flight because of financial trauma, then the argument is about your survival. It's not about whether you can afford to cater a dinner for 30.
Right? So the stakes seems so much higher, because one of the other things the brain is not good at is accuracy when we're triggered. Right. So a great example. That's one way it can Yeah, I think that's a really good example. And an example of that is if you grew up in poverty, and didn't have a lot, or you didn't get the doll that you wanted, and that is a very seared memory for you, you got the generic doll, you grow up and you go over the top and get every single gift for your kids. Or you actually just go way overboard from what is considered the norm. Okay, that's a great example. What's another way it could show
up. Another way that it can show up is, a lot of times it shows up in expectations. And so internally, you might have some subconscious expectations about how you want to present to the world and to your family. But your financial situation may not be able to accommodate that. And one thing that the human brain does is it does a lot of justification and rationalization. And so in your subconscious brain, there may be something going on like well, I deserve it, or my kids deserve it, or my sister deserves this. And when we're talking about keeping the nervous system more calm and regulated, it's not about deserving. It truly isn't. It's about recognizing that you do your family and your children a disservice when you go out of what you can financially manage, and have your nervous system really activated during the holidays because of that. And then the holidays become about things or the way things look instead of about people and connection and service.
That's such a wonderful point. And I would add that when you go out of your mind And until bounds during the holidays, you actually set yourself up for nervous system dysregulation the entire year, because you're spending a whole year trying to catch up from the financial hole you've dug. And so to truly prioritize those you love you, you want to stay within your financial boundaries that you've said, what I'm aware of is a lot of us who experienced any sort of, you know, dynamic around money, that wasn't helpful or healthy. I'm not sure a lot of us have financial boundaries. So how do we even do that as like a pre step to help us navigate not just the holidays, but other big, you know, celebrations as well.
That's a really tricky one. Because it's so deeply ingrained in your subconscious, that it's really hard to be aware that that's even part of the dynamic that you are, your brain is engaging in. And when I think about how, if you can notice some of your thoughts and your feelings without criticizing them, or judging them, and be benevolently curious, kindly or lovingly curious, then you can calm down your nervous system and maybe get a little bit more awareness and insight into what's happening and why this seems so dire for you such a monumental thing that has to be done. And I think about a lot of couples during the holidays, there's a lot of unintentional behavior that can be seen as disrespectful, because one partner may make an executive decision about spending or gifting that they haven't discussed together. And so part of the thing we want to do when we think about our own financial boundaries, is we want to think about how the finding something that works for us in terms of how we think about or perceive our own financial boundaries, that's vitally important for connection. And I will admit, I suck at having a budget. Sometimes when I'm a little strapped, I will do this trick I have where I'll say, Okay, you have, you know, $300 cash to pay for everything this month. And it's kind of like a spending diet for a month. And it's never killed me up. And it is a way to protect my, my future self from the stress of going outside of my means.
That's a that's a great trick. I like that. One thing we do, is we do use a budget. But we build flexibility into the budget, we use an app that downloads our bank statement, you know, every day, and so we can quickly see where we're going out of our budget. And, and sometimes that's an acceptable flexibility, like, oh, yeah, we are going to spend more on food and entertainment this month, because it's November, and we want to host right, and so that's acceptable. I personally find that by tracking our spending, it keeps me accountable. When I don't know what we're spending money on, because with with debit cards and electronic money, it's so easy to lose track of all the in app purchases and the streaming services and everything else. And so by tracking that, I find it actually gives me a lot of it gives me a sense of control and a sense of flexibility, because I know what my limit is, and then I can moderate between different categories.
I get the impression as you're talking that you It also gives you a sense of competence.
Yeah, perhaps it's like I
can I can do this. I can honor my own financial boundaries. I'm capable of managing my finances. Is there any of that? How sometimes
sometimes I look at and I go, Oh, man, I'm not very good at this. But yeah, sometimes I do. I'm like, I'm a boss. When we first started doing this. I did not realize how much we were spending on groceries. Oh, right. As we would you know, if you ran out of one thing, we would just go to the store and buy it and so we would go to the store, you know, probably every two days. And you know while you're at the store buying some fresh fruit so the kids can have some healthy food. You're also not just getting fresh fruit, you're also getting whatever else is on the end cap. So you're being kind of sucked into all the, you know, seasonal displays. And so what we what really helped for us is not just tracking our purchases, but also making a commitment to try and grocery shop one time a week, which is really hard with great people. Yes, because we run out of stuff like by week, by day six, there's only three apples left and some grapes that aren't as crisp as they were, and the kids are gonna eat that. That's like, well, we're not gonna run till tomorrow. So I mean, it's not, there's nothing wrong with it, there's no mold. But it's put us in a habit of, really, of just being more responsible with what we've purchased. And what we're, what we're consuming.
The other thing that does me is it, it helps your children learn that they will survive if they don't have what they want. Every moment. Yeah, there's this really fascinating book called nurture shock. I think it's by Maxim. Gladwell, I think, is his name. And it talks about how our generation has moved into this place, where we think that if our kids have any deprivation at all, that it will be damaging to them. And so the, the idea behind the title nurture shock is that we have, instead of helping our children tolerate the vagaries of life, and the many different sets of circumstances and dynamics we find ourselves in, we jump in to prevent our children from feeling any discomfort at all. It's so time and when you use, yeah. And when you say, Well, this is what we have left. And they say, why don't want to eat the mushy grapes. And then you say, because you're really good at this, if you and then you say, I know, it's that kind of yucky, you always like validate their experience. They're not going to die if they don't have fresh fruit for two days. I mean, that's a luxury in most of the world is. But you're also teaching them that they can do pleasant and have unpleasant emotions around it.
Yeah. I appreciate you reflecting that back to me. Our mother grew up in such extreme poverty, that she was very lavish with us. And so one of the things I'm sure they taught us, but what got wired into my brain is excess. And financial limits were very non existent. And so I think what's one of the challenges with having any sort of financial trauma, whether it's you weren't, weren't taught certain principles, or you had extreme poverty, or it was all about how things appeared, instead of what was actually happening behind the scenes. I think one of the challenges is that you have to then start to re kind of address what you don't know, or what you what was wired, and, and reteach yourself, some people call it re parenting. But whatever you want to call it, basically, you have to learn new ways of doing finances that are going to be for your highest self for your best self, instead of, you know, out of reactions and triggers. Yeah,
my favorite story to tell about our mom, our mom is super generous. And she we grew up with her loving to entertain. And as my parents and the I mean, sees me as they come to, they're more elderly years. And they're really cool, because he just talked about it, like when I die, what do you want and that sort of thing. So mom has 300 place settings of China. And I have no place settings in China, and I love me some paper plates. And that's just a really sweet example of how it flip flops, when you had a lot of deprivation, and then you have a chance to be really comfortable. And then we had a lot of excess. And so those kinds of things aren't as important to me. They don't have the same meaning to me.
Yeah, I think that's a great example. And I'm the same way i i Kevin's mom gifted us some China before she passed. So we do have that but you know, I don't we don't use it. We don't. It seems. It seems a little remote from the way we live. But I did notice one of my children asked if they could have a set of Grandma's China. And so that's a really good example of it flip flopping again, they're like, I would love some China. Like,
oh, they can have my, my more my porch. Right, right.
Yeah. So, um, I love that. That don't, they're not dynamic. But I love the discussion of how it will change generation to generation. So kind of going back a little bit setting boundaries could be just understanding what your limit is financially. And that could just be as simple as looking up on your bank statement, how much money you have, because sometimes people avoid even looking at their bank.
Oh, it can be terrifying for some Yeah, absolutely. So
a micro step would be look up your balance. And that's a small step to at least know where you stand in this moment, you don't have to do any fast, you don't have to change anything. Just understand how much money you have or don't have right now.
That's an awesome micro step, thank you.
Another boundary would be if you feel like you can do another micro step would be to set kind of a spending limit for the finance or for the holidays. So you know, we do this per child, we kind of look at where we're at. And every year is a teeny bit different some years, you know, we don't have as many expenses going into the holidays. And so sit with what you're comfortable with, and decide on a figure for gifts or for entertaining, but the key is to be realistic. Because when I first started budgeting and dealing with, you know, learning how to to rein in my own finances, I would, I would be like we don't need to eat out at all this month. Well, Kevin, and I go on a date once a week so that we can remember why we're married and why we're leaving this family together. So what are we suppose I mean, that wasn't realistic. I mean, Ryan, a $5 budget would have been more realistic, so that we could go yes, you know, frozen yogurt together. So be realistic, and just set some guidelines. And if you go pass them, this is where the the self compassion comes in. We want to be super kind to ourselves, okay. I tried this is my first go around, or this is my second or my 20th Go around. I I know where I stand. I know. You know, I went over and and it was worth it to me, or I don't want to do that next year. So we can kind of assess Yes,
yeah. And Amy, when we're able to notice without judging when we're able to employ self compassion, it helps us stay in our prefrontal cortex where our wise mind resides. And it allows us to be calm enough to take a look at what happened and make a decision from there instead of beating ourselves up and getting more into our fight or flight brain. Yeah,
that's a great point. And so the more as we always say, benevolently curious, so we want to be loving with ourselves and curious, that's interesting. I set a budget and I went over Hmm, that's really interesting. I wonder why I did that. mean?
Yeah. Yeah. Okay,
so we've got the boundary part, we've got the financial trauma part. I know, it can show up in marriages, as you said, or partnerships with different spending backgrounds, it can show up being super lavish, it can show up, as I think you might have mentioned this before we started recording, but getting super agitated when one of your children asks for something that is out of your budget. And so you kind of lash out, what would be a good way to handle that if your kids are like normal kids and giving you a list of what they would love. And you know, you don't have the money for their dream gifts.
Right? Write? This can be really challenging as well. I like to encourage parents to use the list as a way to connect to their children's interest.
Oh, explain more about that.
So I'll just use a silly example or extreme example. I see on your list, you'd like a 2022 new Jeep. Tell me what you like about the jeeps, you're not going to get the kid a jeep? Well, maybe you will, I don't know. But what we tend to do, is we tend to get very agitated and then we shame and humiliate our children for making requests. And I can remember when I was really little mom saying to Dad, it's okay for Lena to do regime, it's okay for her to want things. And I was I never threw fit, because I didn't get anything that just wasn't my MO. But instead of being reactive to your child and saying, you know, we can't afford that, use it as an opportunity to be curious and engage in an interesting conversation with your child. So that's one, two, I love that. And the second tip is, in order for your children to have healthy wiring around money, as a parent, you have to keep your cool around financial stuff. If you lose your cool and start screaming at the kid about how demanding they are, and how they know that, you know, it's a limited budget. That is, there's no learning going into the brain because the learning happens through our prefrontal cortex
once you start screaming, oh, limbic mode. And you're already in limbic mode.
Exactly. And so if we're able to say, to our kids, I love that you're expressing so many interests in this list, are there one or two things under $100, or under $10, or under $5? That would work for you. Your, your kids don't need everything. People know they don't. In fact, it's really bad for them it is to have everything they want it because it doesn't teach them the muscle of patients. And it doesn't teach them the muscle of delayed gratification. And it's a really tricky time of year. But as Amy said, Try to practice benevolent curiosity and a lot of self compassion. And notice without judgment, notice your kids request without judgment. Notice your response without judgment.
All of that. I love that. Well, that wraps up financial trauma, we would love to hear from anyone that has if you have questions, or if you want us to go deeper on any topic, including this topic, we would love to hear from you. We're at mending trauma on Instagram, and Facebook and LinkedIn and all the places and then you can always email us at Hello at mending trauma.com. And one thing, I think, is we really want you to prioritize connection during your entire year, but particularly during the holidays, because that is the intended purpose of all these rituals of celebration is to gather people to bring people together. And when we are able to connect, then it has served its purpose.
And humans have been doing this for millennia without going to stores and buying gifts for each other.
All right. Well, thank you. We will see you next week. And we appreciate you being here. Thanks so much. If you've enjoyed our episode or the content that we provide on the universe's your therapist, check out our signature program the whole health lab in the whole health lab. We walk you through healing from trauma physically, emotionally and spiritually. If you're wondering if you have trauma, go to many trauma.com/quiz Take our quiz and you'll be able to determine if trauma is affecting your life. If it is and you find that you want to go further. We would love to be your guides as you recover from trauma. Thank you for listening to the universe's your therapist this week. If you have any questions or looking for more information, you can find us at mending trauma on Instagram, as well as mending trauma.com Our website and if you're enjoying our content, we'd love it if you could rate review and subscribe to the show. We'll see you all next week.
