7.3.23 - How to Overcome Rigid Thinking from cPTSD

9:52PM Jul 2, 2023

Speakers:

Amy Hoyt

Leina Hoyt, MFT, MA

Keywords:

decision

commitment

people

change

child

mind

choice

felt

boundaries

sense

work

taught

understand

universe

highest

greater

trauma

risks

wisdom

suggest

Hi, Amy here. Are you feeling stuck or overwhelmed by things that pop up in your daily life. And perhaps these are because of past traumas or toxic stress? Have you tried traditional therapy and found that it wasn't enough? I know that was the case for me. That's why we developed the whole health lab. Mini trauma has put together a program that combines the latest research with proven methods to help you recover from trauma and move forward from these daily stressors and triggers. We use somatic therapy EMDR, cognitive behavioral therapy and internal family systems therapy. We use nervous system regulation, and many other tools so that we can combine the best methods that are identified in the research to help you recover without being completely overwhelmed. So you can work on trauma on your own pace, your own time. And still with the mentorship and support of a highly trained certified staff. That's us. No more waiting for appointments or sitting in traffic driving to see a therapist. With our online program, the whole help lab. You can access it from anywhere, anytime, even on an app, visit mending trauma.com backslash whole health lab and learn more. Get your questions answered. We've got a Frequently Asked Questions section and sign up so that you can have this life changing program in your world today. Don't let your past hold you back any longer take control of your future and we can't wait to see you in the whole health lab. Welcome to the universe is your therapist. We are your hosts, Dr. Amy Hoyt and Lena Hoyt, we are sisters. Take a seat and let's dive into this week's episode.

All right, welcome to another episode. Today we're going to talk about how to change our mind. So what is the biggest problem with people that you see in terms of changing their mind once they've made a decision,

what I see is either they're in analysis paralysis before they make a decision, or they make a decision. And then circumstances change, or they receive more information. And instead of being allowed to change their mind, they hold themselves to this really rigid thought of I've made a commitment, I can't change a lot of us get that from our childhood, we have parents who wanted the best for us, they wanted us to do more, have more be more educated than they were. And part of that is the idea that once you've made a decision, you're not allowed to change your mind because that indicates some kind of flakiness or lack of commitment.

So one thing that I noticed with, for instance, my career, I had spent a lot of time and a lot of energy in graduate school, receiving my PhD deciding what I was going to do for the rest of my life. And one, once I allowed myself to realize that I wanted something different, it felt really unsafe and scary. And so that I can see that as a big decision. What are some examples of small decisions or with less consequences that people might come into your office for?

One is an example actually, this is from our childhood, we have a friend whose parents are very careful about how they spend their money. And the thing that has always been so surprising to me is that their family took eight years to decide on a new dishwasher. In the meantime, they could have had a mediocre dishwasher that was working in those eight years. And instead, because they had a sense that they couldn't make a mistake about what dishwasher they chose. They just didn't choose any dishwasher. So it's about keeping yourself safe. Yes, the subconscious minds way of eliminating potential risks.

So what is the cost of never changing your mind? What are some of the costs of that? I mean, I think I understand but what do you see in your office,

I see the cost have never been allowed to change your mind as the inability to use wisdom to improve your life and to educate yourself about future opportunities. Instead, what we do is we have the sense of something or we have a desire to do something. And then our inner critic or our limbic brain, the autonomic nervous system gets involved and becomes very invested in making sure we don't do anything that might have risks. The problem is that taking risks is part of how we live a greater grander, more satisfying life. And the limbic brain is so inaccurate in assessing life threatening risks as opposed to Job threatening or dishwasher threatening risks, that it's really difficult for us to be calm enough to make a decision especially when we have people from outside of us who are really wanting what's best for us and they love us. And they are really encouraging us to be careful and cautious, and really amplifying the potential risks of a decision or a change of mind.

So it's a way of keeping us stuck, which really can help us stay limited in our life. I know if I hadn't made the choice to pivot with my career, I wouldn't be as happy and satisfied as I am now. And but you don't know that at the time. So you're going on your hope that the risk is worth it. And I think as a parent, it's very important to teach our children to keep commitments. And that is something we value in society. That is something that is really important. And as I've spoken at an in another podcast episode, I think it helps us have a sense of value within ourselves. When we keep commitments to ourselves. However, what I hear you saying is that when you receive new information, you can reassess those commitments.

And that's what we're missing a lot of in our world today is that when we have made a commitment, let's say I had taken a job, and I really liked the job, but the owner of the job, or the company has really poor boundaries. So they are always pushing me to take more and more and more shifts. And if I was raised in a family that valued what other people thought, or the feelings of other people above my own feelings, it's going to be really difficult for me to assess whether or not this type of work environment is healthy for me, because it won't matter. Because there's a part of my brain that saying, it doesn't matter how awful it is, you made a commitment.

And I am cognizant that in a work environment, it is really important to keep commitments. And so once you say yes to the extra shift, I believe there is an obligation perhaps it's about giving yourself some space before you say yes,

one thing that I suggest to clients is that they use a way to kind of pause their response. So instead of saying yes or no right away, which many people that have had trauma are so subconsciously invested in pleasing others for their own sense of safety and the fear of rejection or abandonment, that giving yourself a pause can be very powerful. I usually suggest that people say something like, Let me think about that and get back to you. And then oftentimes that the person coming to you is going to have a sense of urgency, which we discussed in another podcast about problem ownership. And when somebody comes to you with a sense of urgency because of their problem, they are not going to like it when we say let me think about it and get back to you. But that is the most healthy way for us to assess the wisdom of taking more onto our plates. And I want to just push back a little bit. I don't mind when people say let me check and get back to you. So I think it depends on who you're in relationship with and what work they've done and how they understand boundaries and limits. It's definitely not as convenient when you can't get an answer right away. But

it's also not an expectation, I think when you understand that people do need time to make decisions, right.

And, and the example of a work environment in which there are very poor boundaries, there's never time to assess and collect more information and make a decision because the boundaries are the requirements of the owner or the business manager are so urgent that it tends to override our own sense of value and assessment. And so then we use those math signs. And suddenly the business is greater than anything that we might want desire or need.

I am also aware that in a capitalist society, that is a social norm that is very difficult to go against. I don't know if you could retain employment, if you articulated that to a boss.

Oh, and that is not what I'm suggesting. So I'm glad that you clarified that. What I'm suggesting is that you continue to develop a skill set that allows you space to take a minute to think about your decision and a skill set that allows you to repeatedly say no without a lot of heat or energy behind it so that you are always staying in your window of tolerance and saying no to something unreasonable is not going to put you at risk for being fired.

One of the things I see a lot of is sports with kids and how to teach kids the value of making a commitment to a team and letting them draw their own boundaries in terms of how much participation they want to have on the team once they've made the commitment. And I honestly have felt really perplexed by this raising our children. I am not sure if I have served them well with the way we've handled it. But I'm curious how would you suggest parents handle that?

I actually remember a time when your oldest was struggling with participating on a soccer team. I believe that and Kevin sat down with him and listen to what he was saying about what he thought and why he felt the way he did. And you let him make his own decision, which is excellent practice for our healthy use of free well, you let him make the decision and you let him know that whatever decision he made, he would need to approach the coach and let the coach know. And that that might be hard, but that you could support him. And I actually think that's a really healthy way of doing it. So I don't know what you're referencing, when you say you're not sure if the way you've handled it has helped your kids? Well, I'm

wondering if in hindsight, I'm not sure that that has taught them commitment. So I think with parenting, it's very difficult to know if you are making the right decision. Because there are so many lessons you're trying to teach your children that you may be teaching them flexible thinking in that instance, and ownership and agency, but you're not necessarily reinforcing the value of a commitment.

That is a dilemma. What I've noticed as I've continued to do my own work in therapy, and then provided help to so many clients is that when we have a sense of the consequences, and understanding what the consequences might be, and then choose to accept those that's different than just letting your child off the hook or somebody that you're managing at work off the hook. It's a different dynamic. And when we understand the value of connection in terms of how we keep our word to people, it's a far greater and more valuable lesson to see that our connection with people is what we want to preserve, while still being able to have flexible thinking based on whether or not you get new information. That's such

an interesting concept. I've never thought of that, in that example of letting a child quit a soccer team speak more about what that connection pieces because I'm not quite understanding

what I think is really positive is for parents to understand that all these lessons that we are trying to teach our kids are futile unless there's connection, because so many of us are so emphatic about the lessons that we're teaching that we fail to remember that there's a human on the other side of this equation. And we are so insistent on things being done our way that the other person who's on the other end of the equation doesn't have a chance to actually counsel with us. Instead, they come to us and say, I'm thinking about, you know, not playing competitive soccer next year. And our immediate response becomes one of fear. If we have done competitive sports in our family. And instead of saying to the child, really tell me a little bit about what you're thinking what's happening for you, and allowing the child to verbalize in a type of counsel or meeting with us, we immediately jump to directing what the child should do, telling them exactly how they should do it, why they should do it, or shouldn't do it. And instead, the child makes a decision from fear instead of from wisdom or love.

Okay, so the connection piece is between the parent and the child in that example, not the child and the coach,

right? Although the child and the coach connection can be important. And when you and Kevin suggested that your oldest go to the coach and talk to the coach about his decision, I thought that that was really an emphasis on connecting with humans. So you're not letting your child again, you're not letting your child off the hook. Instead, what you're doing is you're saying to the child, here are the options, here are the consequences of this, this or this. And as long as you're able to take those consequences, we will support you because your connection with people and how you handle differences and how you handle changing your mind is the most important piece of it. That's really helpful.

Thank you for explaining that. So what are some of the benefits of being able to change your mind and think flexibly, the benefits

of flexible thinking and being able to change your mind have to do with an internal sense of peace and an internal trusting of self, a way of understanding that we can make decisions that it's easier when we follow a process, but that when we don't consider what is healthy or good for us. We are in a sense betraying ourselves. And that's when the podcast about the math of the soul is applicable in that we want to be able to have an equal sign between ourselves and somebody else. In some situations. Depending on the work environment or your role at work, you actually may have a greater than sign on your part because you're in charge of taking care of yourself and managing how you expend your energy.

I think also that we are able to live in the moment when we're able to change our mind because we're constantly taking in new information and being able to pivot and be nimble. And the other thing I think is such a great benefit is we tend to have a higher satisfaction in our relationships with other people. So if I am in a relationship or a friendship with someone and they are or I've received new information and the relationship within Dynamics change, I'm able to be flexible in how I communicate and how much time I spend with that person and what my boundaries are. And I think that would lead to higher satisfaction within the relationship as well.

Absolutely. It also enhances our relationship with ourself. Many of us are taught not to trust our gut instincts, or many of us are taught that changing our mind is a sign of weakness, laziness, lack of commitment. And when we have an understanding that part of our life's goal is to gain wisdom through experience, we have an inherent way of understanding that changing our mind has to be part of that process. And we don't need to do it flippantly. But we need to be able to consider that when we're in relationships with people, one of the best ways to deepen and ensure a continued good relationship is to understand what it is that is happening in terms of what I might want to see happen in the relationship or where I want to draw some boundaries so that I don't develop inadvertent resentment. So there's

a skill set that we were taught as children. And I think it has really guided how we make decisions how we've taught Kevin and I have taught our children to make decisions. And I feel like it's one of the most positive things I learned as a child. And that is basically to make a decision. First of all, I would almost say it's a tentative decision, we make a tentative decision. And then we make a pro and con list about that tentative decision. Knowing that we can change our mind about that decision. It's not in concrete, but its pros and cons, we write it out on a piece of paper. And then one of the things that you and I talked about in this skill set is then looking at that list and see which of the things on that list are being motivated from fear and which are being motivated from love. And since one of our goals in terms of self regulation, and living with our highest selves in mind, we are committed to making decisions from love and not fear. And so once I'm able to look at which part of my decision or my pro and con list is coming from fear, it can be really illuminating. The next aspect is for us to check in and decide if we want to change what we chose. And when I say check in what I mean is to kind of see how it's sitting. How am I feeling internally? Am I feeling anxious? Am I feeling peace? And I think that's where really connecting to a felt sense, the body and the wisdom that we hold in our body is important. So let's say I've made a decision. Tentatively, I've weighed out the pros and cons I've looked where fear and love are kind of coming in. And I've decided yeah, I believe this decision is what I want to stick with. The next part of that process is to say the choice out loud, talking about why you believe saying it out loud is important.

One of the reasons it's so important to say it out loud is because once you say it out loud and put it out there in the universe, you can then calm yourself and quiet yourself and see what your reaction is. Are you getting any hints from the universe? Are you getting guidance or direction? Are these hints something that will lead you to your best highest self and your greatest good? Or is this maybe something that's been misunderstood and you're looking at fear, but thinking that it's about wisdom, and when you say it out loud, and then check your bodily responses, and what happens in your brain and your mind, you get really good clear communication.

So for you, you feel like saying it out loud is an important step. I don't say it out loud. And it hasn't been part of my process. But I'm gonna try that. Because why not? And see if it changes how quickly I'm able to kind of feel into what I'm doing. One of the things I want to talk about is how do you know once you say it out loud, and you start checking in again, with your body? How do you know if it actually is the right choice.

This can be a little tricky, and it is going to be different for every single person. What I've experienced is that I have a sense of calm when I have said my decision and I'm wanting to get feedback from the universe that I have a sense of calm if it's a decision that's going to be for my greatest good or the highest good of the world or the planet also I pay attention to when I get kind of a blankness in my head. So when I go and say to the universe, I've decided to get my doctorate and then I pay attention. I can have maybe either peace if this is something that's going to be good for me or I might have a blankness, like, what am I thinking of? What am I trying to figure out here? Those are two of the ways that things come to me and then oftentimes when I get a felt sense of the The Universe prompting me or suggesting to me that it's not my wisest course I just don't feel good or self settled.

So what you're saying is that blankness is an answer that it's not the choice for you.

It is very frequently that meaning for me,

and how do you tell between having that sense of not remembering what you're putting out there and just losing your train of thought

when I have a blankness? It is almost as if I can't recall exactly what I'm asking for. It's a disconnect. And it's not the sense of forgetfulness. It's more about the idea that there's just blankness in regards to this answer. And what I interpret that as is this is not my wisest choice, or my best choice in the grand scheme of things.

One of the things I also wanted to clarify is that there are often choices that are really good for us currently. And then in the future, again, with more information, a different choice is the way to go. And so, you know, I'm cognizant that I'm using the term right choice or wrong choice. And I don't mean morally right or wrong. I mean, is it the choice that's going to lead to our highest good right now? Or is it the choice that is not going to lead to our highest good right now. And I think part of that is really trusting in a power greater than yourself that is guiding you. And for me, that, of course, comes deeply from my time in the 12 step program, and recognizing that there is a power way, way bigger than me that is directing the world, and that I can trust in that. So I think the important part is realizing that our choices can be right for right now. But that doesn't mean that it can't change

as an excellent point. And maybe better language would be our best choice or our highest choice or choosing from our highest self instead of the words right or wrong. So often in life, when we have decisions to make, there isn't necessarily one blatantly in quotes, right, or one blatantly in quotes, wrong choice. Much of it has to do with evaluating things, checking in with yourself and your higher power to understand that there are some things that are going to be better for us in the long run. And we don't always foresee those because we are not a higher power. And when we have the ability to understand that maybe some of these choices aren't necessarily right or wrong or good or bad. And we are willing to live with consequences. Almost any choice can be beneficial to us in the long run if we allow ourselves to gain wisdom and experience from it.

Okay, well, thank you so much, and we'll see you next time. Thank you for listening to the universe's your therapist this week. If you have any questions or looking for more information, you can find us at mending trauma on Instagram, as well as mending trauma.com Our website and if you're enjoying our content, we'd love it if you could rate review and subscribe to the show. We'll see you all next week.