95. How to Stay Hopeful After Trauma 8.14.23

Amy Hoyt15min

Speaker 1

00:00

Hi, Amy here. Are you feeling stuck or overwhelmed by things that pop up in your daily life. And perhaps these are because of past traumas or toxic stress? Have you tried traditional therapy and found that it wasn't enough? I know that was the case for me. That's why we developed the whole health lab. Mini trauma has put together a program that combines the latest research with proven methods to help you recover from trauma and move forward from these daily stressors and triggers. We use somatic therapy EMDR, cognitive behavioral therapy and internal family systems therapy. We use nervous system regulation, and many other tools so that we can combine the best methods that are identified in the research to help you recover without being completely overwhelmed. So you can work on trauma on your own pace, your own time. And still with the mentorship and support of a highly trained certified staff. That's us no more waiting for appointments or sitting in traffic driving to see a therapist. With our online program, the whole help lab. You can access it from anywhere, anytime, even on an app, visit mending trauma.com backslash whole health lab and learn more, get your questions answered. We've got a Frequently Asked Questions section, and sign up so that you can have this life changing program in your world today. Don't let your past hold you back any longer take control of your future, and we can't wait to see you in the whole health lab. Welcome to the universe is your therapist. We are your hosts, Dr. Amy Hoyt and Lena Hoyt, we are sisters. Take a seat and let's dive into this week's episode.

Dr. Amy Hoyt, PhD

01:55

There is hope. That's what we want you to know, there is so much hope. I often joke that my type A personality is like a type F now, not grade wise, but just know there, there does come a point where you start shedding some of it and start allowing yourself to be more vulnerable and more authentic in your interactions. And I think for me that perfectionism is closely linked to a resistance to being my true full self. Because if I'm rejected, and I'm being my true full self, what does that mean? Right? Those are some of the thoughts that go through my head. And so I want you to know, there's so much hope. And that's why I feel so passionate about this, this work. Okay, so let's talk about the first tool. And this might seem really benign, but it's awareness. And Lena is going to talk to us about awareness.

Leina Hoyt, MFT, MA

02:48

Yes. And we like to use the term benevolent curiosity because what we are meaning with that term is that we are kindly and lovingly curious about what's happening for us or about the things that we think or do. And when we are able to be open to being curious and interested in what we're doing, or how we're, we're behaving, that increases awareness exponentially. When we use awareness to beat ourselves up or to tell ourselves that we should or shouldn't have done something, the part of the brain that ignites in fight or flight response gets very activated. And we can't actually be as aware. Sometimes people talk about anger and how it can limit their perception, that sort of thing. Well, the same thing can happen with fear or frustration, or hyper criticism of ourselves. So when we do when we do benevolent curiosity, what we want to do is we want to be able to just start noticing it. This is something I've worked on for several years, I'm still working on it. And so sometimes what will happen is I'll have an emotional reaction, but I don't know what it I actually can't even consciously be aware of what it's related to. And so I've been practicing saying to myself, Okay, I'm having feelings of frustration and disappointment. And then from there, because I'm not beating myself up. And I'm not saying to myself, I shouldn't feel this way, which I have spent most of my life saying to myself, because I am benevolently curious, then I can explore where those emotions are coming from and use those emotions as information about what I'm experiencing. And that has become really valuable in my own journey of healing. We can ask ourselves, I wonder where this behavior urine this belief came from, I know that my brain is attempting to keep me from harm by engaging in these beliefs and behaviors. And, again, bring gratitude to that part of our brain that allowed us to survive. And then also grace to that part of our brain, that we want to start shaping a little differently so that we can have a more fulfilling, connected life.

Speaker 1

05:30

Thank you, Lena, we have a question. And I think this is an excellent question. Okay. How does this differ from a mindfulness practice? Oh, that's great.

Leina Hoyt, MFT, MA

05:41

It includes a mindfulness practice. So mindfulness in the western world is about being present. And what we have learned with our gathered experience as a team, is that when you've had trauma, it's exceptionally difficult to remain present consistently, because of that hyper vigilance and the worry about something difficult or awful happening. And that can include being criticized. So the mindfulness is a key component. And it's difficult to be mindful, if you haven't started working on resolving some of these tendencies, because the mind then becomes preoccupied with outcome instead of what's happening in the moment. And I hope that's helpful. If there's a follow up question. Go ahead and

Dr. Amy Hoyt, PhD

06:33

get this. I just wanted to clarify with the way I think about it, Laura, is that benevolent curiosity is specifically looking at how, what messages I'm getting from my emotions. I'm specifically tuning in, why am I why is my chest so tight? Why is my stomach tight? What's going on here? So I'm being very loving? You know, I noticed this, what's going on? When I think of mindfulness, my mindfulness practice is about staying in the present moment. It's not necessarily attached to a reaction I'm having, although it could be. So I think they do go hand in hand, but benevolent curiosity is really focused on the messages we're receiving from our emotions in our body.

Leina Hoyt, MFT, MA

07:21

Thanks, Amy. That was a great explanation.

Dr. Amy Hoyt, PhD

07:24

Okay, anything else on the awareness tool? Okay, so the next tool we're going to talk about is building trusting relationships with people that you can be real with. And this can be very difficult if you have had trauma, because your brain may be telling you that it's not safe to have a trusting relationship or any relationship. One of the things we have found as a team is that it can be difficult. And we like instead of the rigid, you know, either or, and we can move through this at our own pace, and test out being real and authentic with people that we feel comfortable with. And one of the things that we can do is cultivating self compassion. Self Compassion is really interesting, because it's a lot like benevolent curiosity, but it's a little more I would say, Oh, what is the word? Nurturing, it's a little more nurturing. So when we're being benevolently curious, we're asking ourselves what's going on? Without like, what's going on? You know, We're retreating us ourselves as a good friend who's in distress. And you're like, Okay, what's going on? Like, why?

Speaker 1

08:50

Why are you crying? You know, let me know. I'm creating this self. What am I saying self? Nurturing? Yes. Is a little even a step beyond that. And Lina, do you want to talk to us about this step?

Leina Hoyt, MFT, MA

09:10

Yes. I have an anecdote from somebody that I was working with, probably 10 or 12 years ago. And I remember she was really concerned about her food intake. And so we were talking about how, because she has a brain that tends toward anxiety. It was really difficult for her to not be stuck in all or nothing thinking. And so I was saying to her, well, let's say that you increase your vegetable consumption, but you still eat as much ice cream as you have before. Is that an improvement? And she looked at me in all seriousness, and said, No, that's not an improvement. And I remember thinking, oh my gosh, she's gonna be so distressed because for her are nothing that she does counts unless it's everything all are, are perfect. And so, when we think about self compassion, we're not writing ourselves a ticket to excuse bad behavior, what we're doing is worth considering ourselves as human. And humans have thoughts and feelings and behaviors. And we want to be able to understand that, given the situation, it might make sense that I was current with my co worker, or that I was yelling at my kids, or that I am mad at myself, because I went to bed late last night. And we want to normalize some of the behaviors we have of being human. And so there's a couple of different phrases that we can say these are really effective tools. So one is, given the circumstances it makes sense that I fill in the blank. And another one is, this is really hard. This one is I choose not to judge myself or others. And when I first started practicing this, I didn't believe it, when I was first saying it. But the idea behind neural pathways is that as we enact and practice what we're trying to achieve, there is a building process happening in our brain that makes those behaviors and beliefs more automatic. And that is something that I've really struggled for is to use the beauty of the neuro plasticity of our brain to help me change. So I choose not to judge myself or others. Another one that can be really helpful is I choose to notice what went well instead of what I didn't like or what went wrong. And for some of us, this is going to alarm the nervous system, there's, there's, there's a really strong reaction to this for a lot of people, and they worry that if they don't have their perfectionistic, tics, tendencies, or if they don't remain really harsh with themselves, that their lives will fall apart. And research actually shows the opposite.

Dr. Amy Hoyt, PhD

12:26

Thank you, that's actually such a good point. And over and over, we want you to understand, if, if you feel like this is familiar, and this is resonating, your brain has done an awesome job of keeping you alive and helping you survive. So Laura asked, do we think the way we talk to ourselves is culturally bound socialization, etc, messages we get? Absolutely. Not only the way we talk to ourselves, but new research and epigenetics shows that our environment, our genes can be expressed 1000s of different ways, each gene and our environment can actually turn on and off certain parts of the gene expression, certain facets. And so it's not simply socialization in terms of what we hear, but it's also what we see what's around us. And that will always change culturally because we're in different environments. I think that's an awesome question. Thank you, Laura. Amy,

Leina Hoyt, MFT, MA

13:27

there's another question or another comment that I think is really lovely. And Andrea wrote that one of the most helpful comments that was made to her was, I love you not despite your imperfections, but because of them. What a beautiful gracious statement for someone to make. Because when we say to somebody, I love you, even though you're not perfect. What we're focusing on is the is the flaw. We're not focusing on the person and the love we feel we're focusing on how even though you're flawed and you're human, and you really get on my nerves sometimes I still love you, the messages I have I love you gets lost in that. And all we hear is the negative and the and the perceived criticism.

Dr. Amy Hoyt, PhD

14:22

And Greg said, every part of me I'm troubled with just hasn't been loved enough. Absolutely. really resonates. Thank you for that, Greg like that. I do too. So the phrase that Andrea, put in the chat, I love you not despite your imperfections, but because of them. That's actually a phrase Andrea that I'm going to use for myself. I love that turning that onto me, and to the people I love who may be worried about the the strength of our relationship if they're not showing up in a certain way.

Speaker 1

14:56

Thank you. I love how we can learn together so awesome. And when you've never experienced real love from parents, it's hard to love yourself. Absolutely, God. Absolutely. And that is exactly why we're doing this work. Thank you for listening to the universe's your therapist this week. If you have any questions or looking for more information, you can find us at mending trauma on Instagram, as well as mending trauma.com Our website and if you're enjoying our content, we'd love it if you could rate review and subscribe to the show. We'll see you all next week.

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