Episode 39

Steff Gallante31min

Steff Gallante

00:00

Hey there, I am back from an unplanned three week hiatus, and it is so good to connect with you in the ether again. And if you're new to the show, welcome. Either way, I am so glad you're here. But before we jump into all the shit, we need to talk about, want to breathe with me for a bit. My friend, you can ground yourself you can be in movement. And if this does not sound good to you fast forward a little bit into you can we talk it again, but I thought maybe we would just inhale and exhale together, maybe five breaths as you want to, it could be exactly the same as you've been breathing or longer breaths or sideout exhales you choose but let's just take five breaths together. Ready, set go.

Steff Gallante

01:25

I hope that gave you a little bit of something you might have needed. And if it made you crawl out of your skin, I'm so sorry. Holy shit, lovely human. The last three weeks have been so many things. First, after you know, getting started with September, the new schedule that we all had the new everything that we have going on as a family, myself, my partner, my two kids. Then my oldest son, I had COVID. And on top of COVID, I also had a sinus infection, same exact time that was so rough, recovering took me all the way through to the end of September. So I was sick for a good two weeks. And that was just in time for me to travel to California the first week of October to attend a conference in San Francisco. And then speak at the yellow conference in San Luis Obispo. I had some really wonderful adventures while I was there. And I'm so grateful for that. And then somehow after I returned at the beginning of last week, I was unwell again. And then my youngest and my husband were sick over the weekend. And now finally here we are together. And I have to tell you, it's taken me forever to prepare this episode. Not because I didn't have anything to say, because let's be real pigs will 100% fly before there is a time where I have nothing to say. But I don't know like I just felt this block, not a writer's block, just something keeping me from coming to the act of writing and preparing. It's been so weird. It could absolutely be from the roller coaster September beginning than getting sick that my California Adventures and speaking. And it could also 100% be due to the ongoing stress of living in the United States with world events happening. And that of course includes the escalating conflict between Israel and Gaza. With all that has been going on challenges hardships, oppression of all kinds, attacks on marginalized communities here in the US and abroad. It is not easy to be in the world right now. So I wanted to share with you through all of what's going on, it is hard to know how to show up. It is it can be common to have a fear of making mistakes. And with all that, I just want to kind of name that because maybe you are in the same place, you know, of how do I show up? What do I say I don't want to say the wrong thing. I feel like I don't know enough. I've spent the last week learning so much about what was not taught to me and us United States history. And I've been quiet purposely because I've been learning and I've been unlearning and I've been relearning decentering myself. Right. And with all of this, I'm just super grateful to be finally connecting with you. But I'll be honest, it's not without any discomfort. And also, it's with the question that we're working through today. Which is it is is it okay to celebrate special moments when the world is on fire? And I know that that may come across as like heartless or like really stuff like What is there to celebrate but the but here's the thing, right? Of course we are always affected we are going to be affected by any violence that is going on in the world. But remember, violence is always going on in this world. That's the world we live in. Unfortunately, I got more to say about this. So, you know, feel free to, you know, fast forward because I am going to get to stuff that is unrelated to world events. I'll try to include that in the show notes. If you want to pause here, because I know it's been a heavy, heavy week. Last Sunday, on October 8, I celebrated my fourth business anniversary. And if you know anything about me, or if there's any one thing you should know if you're new to being in space with me is I freakin love celebrations. Milestones are so important to me. But honestly, it felt really weird to celebrate this milestone at this time. You know, and so, I started to think this week, about my feelings about celebrating when the world was on fire, or in the wake of a specific atrocity that is happening, that we are, you know, feeling so vulnerable or split open by or there is just caught, it's causing so much heartache and fear and division, right. And often there is a conversation I hear amongst business owners of, you know, how do we or do we need to acknowledge when something's going down? Do we acknowledge where we stand? What is our obligation? Do we pause our work, pause, posting pause, marketing, pause our offers, in order to create space for processing, learning, unlearning, relearning, you know, taking action to support those being oppressed, and you know, do our work in dismantling the oppressive systems in place? And of course, like the natural answer is yes. Like, we always want to center humanity. Right? We always want to pause we, you know, for those of us who are in the work of dismantling oppressive systems, it often doesn't stop with the systems that are oppressing us, right? Like, we want to dismantle all the shit, we want to dismantle the the, the system that is causing all of the oppression, right, which is obviously white supremacy, culture, colonization, all of that. But it's hard. Right? Because we live in a world that is in a constant state of violence. It looks different depending on the region and who's involved. We as humans, and especially here in the US, because like, I can't speak to anywhere else in the world, because this is where I live. My assumption is that there is oppression that is happening in different parts of the world that here in the United States we are not aware of, right because media, right. But we are continuing to experience and navigate one tragedy after another while living within the systems of oppression, and it's too fucking much. And here's the thing, like, I'm not going to play the comparison game or the oppression Olympics, that's not going to help anything. And also, I want to name that American Cultures propensity to be all upset for an acute amount of time, right spouting off feelings all over the place, unfiltered, unresearched opinions only to then move on to the next, like, quickly to the next thing, when this thing isn't resolved. And the systems haven't changed is too freakin much. And I know like for you listening, that's probably not you, right? Because if you're in space with me, then you're in it, right? You're in the work of disrupting, and dismantling, and you're not in it just to make fucking noise and then be done for a little while, right? Because we know that that doesn't help in the long game of making real and sustained change, right. But still, like I know, for the last week, it was exhausting to be on social media. I don't I don't usually watch the news because well, I have lots of feelings about the news, but it's just exhausting. It's it's the events itself have been difficult on top of all the shit that has been already going on, but adding all the noise has been so much. And again, please no, I am not saying that there should not be feelings about this. I am not saying that we should not be having conversations about where the division lies and, you know, trying to find common ground of how we really need to move forward in this. But the one way I have found forward in navigating all of this is the reminder of the agreements that we call into shared spaces together as well as the assumptions that I hold. As I open space. These have been a great guide while navigating all the mess that's been going on since I've been in practice of the agreements in the assumptions these last two years or so. And I'm So grateful for them because the greatest gift to me has been how they've applied outside of shared space. And so these particular few have been really helpful in this last week or so. One listening to understand, believe and take action, right? This is the practice of active listening, in the moment being open to hearing about other people's experiences, hearing about new perspectives and new education, right, believing people when they express their experience. And that can be apart from how you experience life, right? And then explore how you might take action, especially if this person has more of a marginalized identity than you. Second, consider how you take up space, right? Always reflecting on your social location, your proximity to power and privilege, right, we're always encouraging and this all comes from the work of Michelle Cassandra Johnson, Dr. Works, also Tristan Katz, you know, encouraging folks who hold marginalized identities to take up space to speak your truth, and those with identities more proximal to power, this is where you get to be quiet. Step back, let the other voices be heard, listen, hear something else other than yours because here's the thing, we are not always aware of how our power and privilege is playing out, because we've been so conditioned by it.

Steff Gallante

11:24

And also reflect refraining from giving unsolicited advice or trying to fix something for someone. The third one, the third agreement that has been really impactful for me is, you know, allowing myself a brave space for curiosity and open mind open minded thinking, being willing to do things differently and experience discomfort, right identifying when you feel uncomfortable about something, you know, that is being said. Something that is stated? Right, an event? And considering if your reaction to it? Is your inner protection, your inner BS, or is it a call to action to learn unlearn, relearn, right. And shifts occur when we get uncomfortable. Also our best care, our own care and our own and collective care comes from learning unlearning, and relearning. And so I've been uncomfortable this last week of what I don't know. And just listening, and learning and relearning, unlearning. And then the assumptions that I call into space, again, from the work of Michelle, Cassandra Johnson, Dr. Works, etc. All systems of oppression exist. We live at the intersections of our identities, and it is possible to benefit from and be harmed by systemic oppression all at the same time. Third, our roles and responsibilities for responding to oppression are different based on our social location. That's how close our identities are to institutional and systemic power and privilege. For us, there's no such thing as neutral we all carry our lived experiences with us. And remember that the concept of neutral and dominant culture is designed to center a white sis hat perspective, etc. Fifth, intent does not equal impact, you might have the best intentions, and still, it may have not been the impact that you intended, and recognizing right your culpability in that. Also, we live in a toxic culture that affects us all. We are not encouraged to see it. So we must learn to see our culture and how it teaches us to transform the absurd into normal, and that friends is so fucking hard to uncover that. I'm calling this into space today, with hopes that these reminders might be of support to you in some way. Anyway, I hope it was. And if I can, with these in mind, bring us back to why we're here. And the question of is it okay to celebrate moments while the world is on fire? My answer is unequivocally yes. As humans, we need to experience happiness and joy. It is a necessity. And it is necessary to keep hope alive, to give us something to fight for, to give us a reason to care for ourselves and one another, to sustain us as we continue day after day showing up to the fight showing up to connection to show up to all of it. Yes, joy, happiness and celebrations are a must, even when the world is on fire. So I have to tell you, this is basically the entire internal conversation I've had with myself over the last few days. I was not sure if I was going to talk about this. I wasn't sure how I was going to talk about all of this As I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk about all of this, I just didn't know I really was conflicted until I finally just sat down I just needed to write. And friend know this, I am on a journey just like you. And it's messy and it is imperfect. Right. And so, as always, if there's harm that I have caused, if there is a situation for learning unlearning, relearning, you do not have to re educate me, that is not your role. However, if you feel called to always reach out, always feel free. If you are resourced to hear, receive witness. I really like to share with you how I'm commemorating the milestone of my businesses fourth anniversary, that I do something really cool or corny, depending on how you look at it. I'm here for both and share with you four important things I've learned slash AHA slash like bang me over the head with lesson you know, with, like, knowledge, like kind of lessons. And I'll tell you that these lessons so for that, if you're listening, you're not a business owner, please don't worry, like, these are not just applicable to my business moving forward, really, honestly, their guides for the rest, like all the rest of my life, like all the other parts, basically just human thing, right, coming back to the title of this podcast. And I'll be really honest, that nothing's flashy or earth shattering. It's nothing you've probably never ever heard before, right? It's nothing that you haven't heard before. But I have to say that they're significant nonetheless. And so I want to share them with you in no particular order. And also, if you are finding that you are in a particularly tough spot in life, they might be helpful to you, as you navigate. So number one, for me blanks. And this is in no particular order. I hope I said that. Blank Space for me is a non negotiable on a daily basis. That probably doesn't come to a surprise to you if you've been around the show for a while, because this entire year, I've talked so much about blank space in our conversations. It's a practice that I started in the summer 2022, which is intentionally blocking off time on my calendar, to not work to not do errands or anything, quote unquote, productive. And basically, this is time spent just with myself maybe doing stuff that brings me joy, or maybe I'm doing nothing at all. And trust me, this was not an easy thing for me to start. I had all the excuses. Well, not really excuses, right? But to me in that situation. It's basically what felt like valid reasons why I couldn't do it. Right. And they were so much work so little time, I had to catch up or keep up or get ahead of stuff with the kids with Matt, my husband, or around the house. Right? Like you don't need me to spell it out to you. I'm sure you get it. Right. Anything that could have been, you know, the reason why I couldn't do this. And looking back at that time, I was so deep in the pressure cooker. The Squeeze felt so tight to hold so strong. Then when someone suggested to me that I start this practice as a way to soften the pressure, I literally scoffed. Seriously, I was such an ass about it. Absolutely. 100% like, Are you for real? Like I'm a parent of two kids who require so much for me. I'm a solopreneur. You've got to be kidding. This is absolutely not feasible. But I did it anyway, starting with a few minutes here and there. And I'll tell you, I was absolutely on a mission to debunk this theory but who let me tell you how it is become a non negotiable in B and here's why. It clears my mind it settles the BS the bullshit, the worry, the doubt the fear that happens in my mind. Blank Space literally breathes new life into me it open space for me to be creative, flexible in my thinking, problem solve and it also creates space that just stays spacious. And that was never a thing for me. It allows me space to just be apart from my titles and my duties. Apart from disrupting Yes, for those of you who want to support others who are in the thick of work in disrupting, dismantling, supporting, right advocating Yes, you need it to, apart from all of that. Also, honestly, blank space helps me to just not be an asshole. Or at least be able to call myself on it when I am being an asshole and make amends. Right. It allows me to be present, especially with myself with my kids with Matt. It has 100% enhanced my relationship with them, and especially my relationship with myself. Now I want to be honest with you blank space looks different every single day. I'm at the point now where I've built up to I'm in my schedule to sometimes spend an hour. And some days, it's five minutes, or 30 seconds here and there. Obviously, the longer stretches are the ones that I can schedule into my calendar. And the smaller ones are times I take when I can. And what I do in that time changes based on the time I have, what my needs are in terms of how resource I'm feeling, if I feel balanced, and if not, then what type of energy is present? Like, do I feel unsettled? Do I feel angry? Am I unmotivated? Right, all the prompts that I give you every time we're in session together, anytime I'm talking about how to move forward with practices, that's what I'm considering. And I don't know if you're wondering what I do in blank space, but in case you are, if that's like a burning question for you, I'm happy to share a couple of things. It's not exciting things. One, I love my bed and just being in my bed just laying there. For me, it's something so grounding, soothing, comforting. I also enjoy taking walks or sitting in nature where it's safe, and also when my fucking allergies aren't acting up. I really love looking at the sky in the clouds. Sometimes also, I'll just goof off, I'll sing or dance to music. I'll watch something I really enjoy on TV and like really tune into it not just like space out. I also read a lot. My favorite books are sexy rom com novels, and I love checking out my town's library for authors of the global majority.

Steff Gallante

21:25

So these are things I like to do in blank space. I told you they weren't exciting. But I'm wondering, how are you feeling about all this? You know, this blank space thing? Are you feeling like it's accessible? Hell, no. If there's a big barrier, I encourage you to start small, maybe with less than five minutes every single day and see how it goes. Because the reality is, the more you do it, the easier it'll become, that's for sure. And make it easy for yourself. Here's the second thing I've learned in the last four years, but especially that's really come to fruition this year is my self care is is my nourishment and also a non negotiable. And there's a big ask period on that statement. And I honestly don't have much more to say about it. For me, I have I'm gonna get on my soapbox. For me I've got to take good care of myself. Otherwise everything goes to shit. Maybe not immediately, but eventually and sooner rather than later. The world is enough of a roller coaster for me. Also, having kids is enough of a roller coaster for me that my own well being cannot afford to also be a roller coaster or non existent. Now I have to say to you, my self care is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Yes, I eat takeout. Sometimes I don't sleep enough, etc. Right? Some days I don't exercise. But every day I'm showing up in an intentional way to my care. And the things that I try to do daily are very simple. Which is when these practices are the foundation of the disruptors guide to self care, which is available to you for free on my website. And here are the things that I really strive to do every day, eat three meals a day because your girl gets hangry otherwise, number two, drink water. Number three, keep a consistent sleep schedule when my kids will freak and cooperate because one of my kids has always been a variable sleeper for move my body. Fifth connect with nature, I tried to also six to meaningfully connect with a human outside of my children and my husband. Seven take short pauses throughout the day and eighth spend some time alone aka during my blank space. And I want to share with you I'm very flexible with all this some days I do all of it some days, it's a few things, it's not rigid, or goal oriented in terms of checking the box on the to do list off and then moving to the next thing at all. Everything I do is tuned in with whatever capacity I have, and what I end up doing or the way I do it may not be all that I need. But I do as much as I can in the way I can show up to it and that's enough. And it has to be enough. The thing is when I'm actively nourishing myself that I can more effectively deal with my own shit. I can own more effectively deal with my work. I can more effectively parent partner friend while being authentic and you guessed it show up in the world as less of an asshole. See the theme here right? And for me self care is very much community care it is so I don't cause more harm in the world because there's enough fucking out there. And I'll be real with you I'm unapologetic about what I need in order to be resourced. I will get up earlier if I need to. I will rearrange my schedule I will say no, I will sometimes you know really work to arrange things so that I get the the level of resourcing that I need. And I'll also be very clear with my partner, my kids about what I need and it doesn't always go according to my plan and I don't always get what I need. But I have developed stuff On boundaries that I do not apologize or feel guilty for. Now, I really wish that we were in real time together because I'm really wondering what's present for you? Are there some shifts you want to explore within your own self care? How are you feeling about this share, like what's happening for you, I want to know. Alright, so the third thing I've learned is that my mind is so freakin smart. And also a big ass bullshitter I've got to listen to my body and trust my inner knowing. dominant culture calls this target, right? A skill I've been working really hard to develop is discerning what's real and what's fake when it comes to my thoughts and the stories I tell myself in terms of the messages I receive from my body and the intel from my inner knowing, because I'm a Pisces. So drama is my thing. I'm also vata dominant. So worry, doubt fear also, my thing. And dominant culture has had me striving for perfection for so fucking long. So that I could be viewed as maybe almost enough. There's a lot of mess going on internally, quite often for me. So I'm constantly in a state of Hmm, what's going on here. I'm so smart. But the bullshit is real. The stories are real, right? I've got to be able to trust my inner knowing, I've got to be able to listen to my body when it tells me what it needs. And I've also be able to gotta be able to call myself on my bullshit. Anything resonating for you here? All right, number four, grace, compassion and non judge non judgment are more important than discipline than outcomes as in like the goals for our work. And like, you know, willpower. Now, I am not saying we've got to throw all outcome oriented conversations out the window, no, outcomes are important. Success is important. Working is important. Hello, Bill's capitalism, like, it's all going strong, right? We got to show it, we got to make money. But it's the way that I come to this, the way that that we come to this like, dismantling the idea that success at any cost is the narrative and is the way we've got to go in the habit. But instead centering humanity along the way, allowing for mistakes, allowing for myself and others to be freaking human and quit judging myself or others will except for the people who are on the wrong side of oppression, I'm just gonna say it. And the reality is like shits going on for people, including my nearest and dearest humans, that I have no fucking idea about. For fuck sake, like, dominant cultures judging us enough, I needed to cut the shit. And this has been the hardest thing to do. Because by nature, I'm super judgy and hard. But I love cultivating this software, not to be confused with weaker or doormat side of me. And I've seen a difference in my relationships, too, because these practices have allowed for me to open lines of communication, to be receptive, to sit in discomfort, right to have hard conversations that have more fruitful outcomes, including with myself, who I'd really love to hear your thoughts on this on all of this. So please really reach out DM me, email me, some of you have my number text me like, I want to know what is coming up for you what's resonating? What is like, no staff disagree hard. No, you got it wrong. I have to share with you that I'm so proud of this business I've built and all the ways it has surprised me in its evolution. I mean, I'm so grateful to be on this ride for you with you that you come into space. And we have these lopsided conversations. I imagine you like talking back to me and like responding as I'm talking. So that's why I think it's a conversation. I'm definitely going to keep this celebration going all month. And one way that I'm celebrating is with a new offer a new way for you to work with me through a one time zoom call called release the pressure. And now this is for you if you're looking for support with recovering from burnout, or creating more sustainable self care practices, or making social change your social change efforts more sustainable by self centering yourself care, or maybe from divesting from dominant cultures messaging and your well being and so how it works is we'll block off 90 minutes for a zoom call. But we may not use all that time you get to decide how long we need to talk. And we'll discuss what you're experiencing how you want to feel as you move through life and door during or at the end of that call. I'll offer clarity and customized support with a few simple shifts that you can begin like when we get off the call like with no extra money, like you don't have to go out and buy anything, do anything with little support from anybody else. It'll be literally catered to your responsibilities, the amount of time you've got the energy you've got it perfectly curated for you in order to release the pressure based on what is available to you. Now pricing for the release of pressure Call is available according to a three tiered justice pricing structure. And of course if you need assistance beyond the community support rate, reach out to me. Email me at Steff, it's Steff at Steff gallante.com or DM me on Instagram, please, I know it's hard to ask for help. But friends remember community care. Right, we're centering this. So please do me a favor. If you're ready to release the pressure head to Steff gallante.com/call, for pricing and to link in the link to book I'm really looking forward to supporting you in this way. And this is something I have not done for a long time. So I'm excited to kind of commemorate that my business anniversary with this way. Now, my friend as always, before we leave one another, I'll offer you some wrap up considerations. How can you use what we're talking about today to human more easily to support and uplift those in your community especially those who are different from or hold identities more marginalized than your own? How can you use it to connect more authentically and deeply to your community and also to begin to move towards mass mutual reliance in a way from Western cultures individualistic society. Until next time, my friend Please be kind to yourself just as you would to those who are most precious to you whether that's a human and animal baby or a plant. Be gentle please to yourself.

Steff Gallante

31:24

I always love to hear from you. Please reach out. Please share with me and if you're loving the show, please share it with your nearest and dearest and leave a review and a rating. My friend remember you are a badass and you are enough now go be your favorite self and be well

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