Why Is Marriage So Complicated And Yet So Deeply Fulfilling
5:20PM Mar 25, 2021
In an age of skyrocketing divorce rates, is it really possible to make love last? Welcome to the falling in love forever show with doctors Barbara and Michael Grossman, the well known relationship experts, and best selling authors, the marriage map book. Each week, they share the latest information to help you enjoy your romantic partnerships. So you can fall in love forever. Here are your hosts, doctors Barbara and Michael Grossman.
Hi, everyone, we're just sitting here Michael and I are just sitting here talking about what makes marriage so challenging, so difficult, and yet so rewarding. And we're reflecting on how easy it is to fall in love how that that connection, how it starts and grows. And it's so wonderful and, and we get so excited and happy about finding someone who we have affinity with and who we can share with and and love. And yet creating partnership is hard over a lifetime. And so we have some thoughts about that. And we're reflecting on how relationship making that connection is so easy. But partnership, creating actual partnership is a whole nother project that needs really, we have to learn how to do that. And not only do we have to learn how to do that once we have to do that over and over again, because life keeps changing.
Creating partnership is kind of like learning how to walk on dance with your partner, Barbara and I love to ballroom dance. And it's such a great metaphor for what you're doing in romantic relationship. So we danced together in the beginning, and just learning steps, man just doing the steps and you're trying to get the steps right after dancing while our teacher then asked us to give each other feedback about what we're not doing right about what the other was doing wrong. So that we become conscious of it.
And let's talk about what right and wrong is. Right is working together. And having a beautiful form and expressing an artistic lovely art expression. And so there's there's a way to partner that looks beautiful and feels delicious. And there's certain things to do that support that. And we we've learned to be able to teach to tell each other well, your hand needs to be up, it goes down around the curves, where your head needs to be back so that we can use the velocity around curves to go faster. And or your your head needs to be back so that it balances my body at all that feedback. It's not criticism, it's just feedback so that the performance looks beautiful. And we have a delicious experience together. And the metaphor is meant to express that it's it's a learning curve, how to give your feedback, how to give proper feedback to your partner when you want havior changes that increase the functionality and the enjoyment of relationship. I mean, the first problem is when something's uncomfortable, actually finding the words to express what's uncomfortable, and what behaviors can make life work for you. What kind of changes do you want specifically, so that it sounds like a request that is easily doable, and not like criticism, like something's wrong with your partner. That's a whole learning experience right there. And and so we teach couples how to do that, so that they can keep making adjustments to make their relationship life flow smoothly and feel beautiful, just like ballroom dancing.
So that is a critical part of what you have to learn in terms of a ongoing romantic relationship. You have to learn how to give feedback nicely. It's a skill, it's a skill, it doesn't come naturally not born with that skill. Got to learn it. So that's one of the skills we teach. Now, the other thing you have to realize about relationship is that your partner is going to change over the next 10 years. And you're going to change over the next 10 years. Those changes are substantial. And your partner's used to you been a certain way and now you're changing and vice versa. You've got to learn to accept that your partner is going to change and it's an Not bad, and they're not doing it to hurt you. That's just the nature of life, people grow and change because you have to learn
how to share your changes, share what you're learning about yourself, share how you envision your life going forward, so that you can enlist your partner support and enthusiasm. So that you can both grow and learn together and even change one partner can stimulate change in another partner. So it can be, you know, help, it'll help you in your development as an individual and as a as a couple. And it's, it's exciting, you don't want to stay the same your whole life that you know, reduces the amount of you know how much you develop your potential. And you want to be able to do that and stay connected to your partner.
And it's very important to recognize that in the beginning of romantic partnership, everything is automatic. You just love everything about your partner, how they do this, and that and they love everything that you do how you determine that 10 years later, it's not automatic, you've got to have these skills, to understand how your partner is being now what works for them, what doesn't work for them. And that's something that you can only know, by really listening to your partner, got to have the skills to be able to listen, because they're going to grow and change, and you're going to grow and change. And that's, again, you're not born with that skill. But if you develop it, then you can really appreciate who your partner has become. And you can allow them to appreciate or view become. And then you have a partner that grows and develops.
And their conversations can help you make the adjustments that you can support each other in the ways that you develop over time. And that's what makes it's it's delicious to have a lifelong partner and friend, who you work through life's challenges and grow your personalities over time, and experience the support and understanding it's such a, a special connection that really feeds not only the heart, but one soul, to have really a best friend in life that knows you and supports you. And, and unfold helps you unfold your personality, the feedback you give each other helps that development. And so your partner becomes truly your partner and in total involvement of your personality and life on this earth.
And one of the other qualities of partnership that makes it so complicated is that your partner knows everything about you, that is irritating. And they will let you know what they don't like. And then it presses you to grow and develop. So if if you're not feeling enough, and you're into your brain, and you just are thinking about work and creativity, and you're not opening your heart to being with somebody, because you're so possess with other things, your partner will tell you about it, and it presses you to grow and develop and vice versa. If, if one of you is is, is not interested in growing and developing yourself and your creativity and so on, and you're just happy with everything staying the same your partner may may give you feedback about that, that they they you know want you to have your own interests and your own desires and, and to grow and develop and so on. And so there are different things that happen in your partnership. And it presses you to grow. more romantic partnership will pressure grow over time,
right? There's lots of feedback you can get you might hear from your partner that you're not really connecting with the children enough you need to spend more time with the children or we're not. We're not connecting with our, with our parents enough. And that's a important, important value that we need to honor or we need to be connected to a spiritual community and not be so isolated. So you know what we believe that a partnership a marriage partnership can be a lifelong personal transformation program. You can't get better feedback and from your partner who knows you the best.
So there's so many stories that Barbara and I can tell you about how that worked out in our life. So in our life, I was the intellect connected to development, just in the in the thoughts in your mind, in spirituality through things like meditation and Barbara wanted me to Connect through intimate relationship. And she pressed me to grow in ways that I wouldn't have grown in. And it changed my way of being in the world for the good. But it was a was a pressure to grow in ways that felt like oh my goodness, she's really pushing me in this way, that way,
I remember having a conversation with you, when the kids were like five and seven, in our bedroom, or no, it was in the bathroom, when you were near your closet, I remember telling you, you know, you think you're a good dad, because you're such a good guy. But you know, you really don't spend time with the children. And I'd like you to be a better dad. And what was fabulous, was that you heard me and you, you changed virtually overnight, you really engaged and you you planned weekends, or playing basketball and baseball and having people over and it was, you know, you, you took the You took my feedback and you ran with it. And it was it made life, it transformed our life and feedback that's done without it doesn't sound like criticism can be so powerful, and really develop an effect the whole family.
And for me, personal growth man just going on meditation courses, closing your eyes. And I still love that. But for you personal growth meant developing these skills of relating to your partner. And, and we went on all these courses and classes that were very psychological, I would not have gone on them on my own. But it was very profound to him, that really changed me a lot. So we each pull each other in different ways. And, and and I press Barbara to, you know, go ahead and to, to get her her degree and counseling and do counseling and, and come in my office and open up being in my office and doing her work there. And it brought her to a much higher level of her own personal integration, being a counselor and doing all that work. So we do that for each other. So, why marriage is so complicated. As we describe it, you grow and change so much, that your partnership is no longer automatic. You have to learn these skills to grow and develop and you naturally press each other to grow and develop into ways that you may not have known on your own. And that makes you a more a more integrated human being a more loving human being. And you feel like you really have grown in wisdom. And that happens through marriage.
So we want that for you. And we have all kinds of ways in which we offer teaching and learning and skills based learning on how to grow your marriage.
So come and look at our website, the marriage map.com you can go and find our our classes and courses and we're happy to see you and meet you and least on zoom or possibly in person. Anyway, it's a pleasure talking with you all. We wish you the best.
Yes wishing you all love.
Thank you for watching the falling in love forever show with doctors Barbara and Michael Grossman. Join us next week for another informative discussion to help you keep your love alive. Be sure to visit us at the marriage map.com or find out about our relationship classes that falling in love forever.com