November 2021 Sesshin, Day 5: Everyday Zen by Charlotte Joko Beck

8:45PM Nov 16, 2021

Speakers:

John Pulleyn

Keywords:

life

practice

razor

zen

separate

edge

upset

freedom

people

enlightenment

thoughts

centered

problem

book

feel

mind

seamless

experience

joy

birds

This is the fifth day of this November 2021, seven day sesshin. And I'm going to continue today and read from a couple of books by Charlotte Joko Beck. We'll start with, again the text we used yesterday and the day before - Everyday Zen Love and Work.

And this is a section entitled The Razor's Edge. She says, We human beings all think there is something to accomplish, something to realize, some place we have to get to.

There it is, laid right out in a nutshell. Human beings think there's something outside themselves that they have to get.

That's what we work with in sesshin. Trying to come to see to come to the realization, that everything we need is here already I think somebody said something we are the change we seek.

She goes on. And this very illusion, which is born out of having a human mind is the problem. Life is actually a very simple matter. At any given moment in time we hear we see we smell, we touch, we think. In other words, there's sensory input. We interpret that input and everything appears.

So a book written by Why am I blanking on his name? He lectured here at the 50th anniversary. Anyway, it's entitled coming oh, yeah, Jon Kabat Zinn, entitled, coming to our senses.

When we are embedded in life, there is simply seeing, hearing, smelling, touching and thinking. And I don't mean self centered thinking. When we live this way, there is no problem. There couldn't be, we are just that. There is life, and we are embedded in it. We are not separate from life.

We are we just are what life is. Because we are being what life is. We hear, we think, we see we smell and so on. We are embedded in life, and there is no problem. Life flows along. There is nothing to realize because when we are life itself, we have no questions about life. But that isn't the way our lives are. And so we have plenty of questions. When we aren't into our personal mischief, life is a seamless hole in which we are so embedded that there is no problem. But we don't always feel embedded because, well, life is just life. When it seems to threaten our personal viewpoint, we become upset and withdraw from it. For instance, something happens that we don't like, or somebody does something to us we don't like or our partner isn't the way we like. There are a million things that can upset human beings that are based on the fact that suddenly life isn't just life, seeing hearing, touching, smelling thinking anymore. We have separated ourselves and broken the seamless whole because we feel threatened. Now life is over there. And I'm over here thinking about it. Not embedded in it anymore. The painful event has had happened over there. And I want to think about it over here. So I can figure a way out of my suffering. It's always so poignant to see the shift happen in young children. They're so embedded in their lives. It's just amazing. Not that they don't cry and complain, but it's there. They're all in they get older begin to see themselves as a separate individual. It's a necessary stage of course, you in human development, but there's a sadness to it.

Remember, when my grandchild, Isabel at the time, are at the table in Brooklyn, and pointed to mom and dad and themselves? said, Mommy, Daddy, Isabelle thought, oh, boy, here we go. Buckle in.

She says so now we have split life into two divisions, over here and over there. In the Bible, this is called being banished from the Garden of Eden. The Garden of Eden is a life of unbroken simplicity. We all chanced upon it now. And then, sometimes after so sheen, the simplicity is very obvious. And for a while, we know what that life is not a problem.

You see that and you think, now I know, it will never be a problem again. But in fact. Karma. So I'm gonna say. She says, most of the time, we have an illusion, that life over there is presenting us with a problem over here. The seamless unity is split, or seems to be. And so we have a life harried by questions. Who am I? What is life? How can I fix it so I can feel better? Some of those questions can be very useful. Who am I? What is life

we seem surrounded by people and events that we must control and fix. Because we feel separate. We begin to analyze life, think about it fuss and worry about it. Try to be one with it. We get into all sorts of artificial solutions, when the fact of the matter is that from the very beginning, there is nothing that needs to be solved. But we can't see this perfect unity, because our separateness unveils us from it. Our life is perfect. No one believes that.

So there is life in which we truly are embedded. Since all that we are is thinking, seeing, hearing, smelling, touching, and we add on our self centered thoughts about how it doesn't suit me, then we no longer can be aware of our unity with life. We've added something our personal reaction and when we do that, anxiety and tension begin. Then we do this about every five minutes. Not a pretty picture.

Man reminded of the verses on the faith mind by Sung zon the great way is not difficult for those who do not pick and choose in or in other translations, those who have no preferences. We are the problem. So she says now what do I mean by the razor's edge? What we have to do is join together these seemingly separate divisions of life. We have to do to join together these seemingly separate divisions of life is to walk the razor's edge. Then they come together, but what is the razor's edge

practices about understanding the razor's edge and how to work With it, always we have an illusion of being separate, which we have created. When we're threatened or when life doesn't please us, we start worrying, we start thinking about a possible solution. And without exception, there is no person who doesn't do this. We dislike being with life as it is, because that can include suffering. And that is not acceptable to us. Whether it's a serious illness, or a minor criticism, or being lonely or disappointed, that is not acceptable to us. We have no intention of putting up with that, or of just being that if we can possibly avoid

it. We want to fix the problem, solve it, get rid of it. That is when we need to understand the practice of walking the razor's edge. point at which we need to understand it is whenever we begin to be upset, angry, irritated, resentful, jealous. That upset itself is a reminder. We advance in practice. Instead of flying off the handle when something goes wrong, we come to our senses, we come back to this moment. We put our practice into practice. Feel it? Instead of thinking about it, instead of complaining about it.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. There's so much that we can't change beginning with how things are. Right now. It's like this. That's our life.

Everything we want is right there. If only we could see it. She goes on. First we need to know we're upset. Many people don't even know this when it happens. So step number one is be aware that upset is taking place. When we do Zen and begin to know our minds and our reactions. We begin to be aware that yes, we are upset. That's the first step. But it's not the razor's edge. We're still separate. But now we know it. How do we bring our separated life together? To walk the razor's edge is to do that. We have once again to be what we basically are, which is seeing, touching, hearing, smelling. We have to experience whatever our life is right in this second. If we're upset, we have to experience being upset. If we're frightened, we have to experience being frightened. If we're jealous, we have to experience being jealous. And such experiencing is physical. It has nothing to do with the thoughts going on about the upset. It's in the body. Our practice, Zen is done with the body. It's not mental machinations.

When we see a realization is in the body, it's not cleverness.

It's not a secret code decrypt koans.

She says, when we are experiencing non verbally, we are walking the razor's edge. We are the present moment. When we walk the edge, the agonizing states of separateness are pulled together, and we experience perhaps not happiness, but joy. She mean by joy. It's the freedom of not being attached. Even even in grief, there can be a kind of joy. I don't know what the right word for it is. Maybe Joy's not the right word. Maybe it is. We just are

It's human. It's natural.

My son died. Was it nine years ago? Nine or 10? Remember how moving it was, when people would say something, something kind. It was a lot of tears, of course. But there was something just so wonderful about it. Right through all the pain and the tears

she's not talking about a joy of flapping her wings and flying away to the land of rainbows and unicorns. But she's talking about freedom, freedom of being who we are.

She says, understanding the razor's edge, and not just understanding it, but doing it is what Zen practice is. The reason it's difficult is that we don't want to do it. We know we don't want to do it, we want to escape from it. If I feel that I've been hurt by you, I want to stay with my thoughts about the hurt. I want to increase my separation feels good to be consumed by those fiery self righteous thoughts. By thinking I try to avoid feeling the pain. displace the pain. The more sophisticated my practice becomes, the more quickly I see this trap and return to experiencing the pain, the razor's edge. And where I might have stayed upset for two years, the upset shrinks to two months, two weeks, two minutes. Eventually, I can experience an upset as it happens, and stay right on the right on the razor's edge.

This is true, we do advance as we practice over the years to change sometimes we don't notice the change. Sometimes people around us do. But things resolved more quickly. They don't stick as long as the more we see that, the more we're motivated to continue on this path, path that never ends. Because as JOCO points out somewhere else, there's always a point at which we can't just be with it. Everybody de compensates at some point and separates themselves. So we always have the motivation, the drive, the encouragement, spur, the spur to do this work. And she says here, still I want to repeat. It is necessary to acknowledge that most of the time, we want nothing to do with that edge. We want to stay separate. We want the the sterile satisfaction of wallowing in I am right. That's a poor satisfaction, of course. But still we will usually settle for a diminished life. Rather than experience life as it is when that seems painful and distasteful. One of the first things that happens in practice is we begin to see that it is diminished, that it's inadequate. It's not the life we want brings to mind the poem by TS Eliot, the Hollow Man, we are the Hollow Man. We are the stuffed man.

Later on in the poem, he says between the idea and the reality between the motion and the act, falls the shadow that's our separation.

All troublesome relationships at home and at work are born of the desire to stay separate.

By this strategy, we hope to be a separate person who really exists Who was important? When we walk the razor's edge we're not important. We're no self imbedded in life. This we fear, even though life as no self is pure joy. Our fear drives us to stay over here in our lonely self righteousness. The paradox only in walking the razor's edge and experiencing the fear directly, can we know what it is to have no fear

it's practice advances, we get more of a feeling for this life of no self. Not as defensive it's easier to admit when we're wrong. It's wonderful not to have to defend yourself. Reminds me of Anthony de Mello, Simon as your and as just a human being. We each have our karma. And we have more sympathy for others. They're in the same position. She says, Now I realize we can't see this all at once, or do it all at once. Sometimes we jump onto the razor's edge and then hop off like water dropped on a sizzling frying pan. That may be all we can do at first, and that's fine. But the more we practice, the more comfortable we become there. We find it's the only place where we're at peace. So many people come to the center and say, I want to be at peace. If there may be little understanding of how peace is to be found. Walking the razor's edge is it. No one wants to hear that. We want somebody who will take our fear away or promises happiness. No one wants to hear the truth, and we won't hear it until we are ready to hear it.

It's one of the reasons why teachers say the same thing over and over and over again. Remember reading bonk a great book but every other word is the unborn. Just hammer at home.

On the razor's edge imbedded in life, there is no me and no you this kind of practice benefits all sentient beings. And that of course, is what Zen practice is about my life and your life, growing in wisdom and compassion. So, I want to encourage you to understand, difficult though it may be. First we have to understand with the intellect, we must know intellectually what practice is. Then we need to develop through practice and acute awareness of when we are separating ourselves from our life. The knowing develops from the base of dailies, as in for many machines, and from the effort to remain aware in all encounters from morning till night. Since we are most unwilling to know about the razor's edge, this wisdom is not going to be presented on a platter to us, we have to earn it. But if we are patient, our vision will become clearer. And then we will see the jewel of that life beginning to shine. Of course, the jewel is always shining, but it is invisible to those who do not know how to see. To see, we must walk the razor's edge. We pretest No, no, no way. Forget it. It's a nice title for a book, but I don't want it in my life. Is that true? I think not. Basically, we do want peace and joy.

A little poem I came across by David White says enough. These few words are enough. If not these words, this breath if not this breath, this sitting here. This opening to the wife we have refused again and again. Until now

This next section is entitled enlightenment. Someone said to me a few days ago, you know, you never talk about enlightenment. Could you say something about it? The problem with talking about enlightenment is that our talk tends to create a picture of what it is. Yet enlightenment is not a picture, but the shattering of all our pictures. And a shattered life isn't what we're hoping for. What does it mean, to shatter our usual way of seeing our life? My ordinary experience of life is centered around myself. After all, I am experiencing these ongoing impressions, I can't have your experience of your life, I always have my own. And what inevitably happens is that I come to believe that there is an AI central to my life, since the experiences of my life seem to be centered around AI. I see, I hear, I feel, I think, I have this opinion, we rarely question this i. Now, in the enlightened state, there is no i, there is simply life itself a pulsation of timeless energy whose very nature includes or is everything. The process of practice is to begin to see why we do not realize our true nature. It is always our exclusive identification with our own mind and body, the eye.

Ramana Maharshi says just get rid of this self in this body

then the true self will shine. To realize our natural state of enlightenment, we must see this error and shatter it. The path of practice is deliberately to go against the ordinary self absorbed way of life. And that's hard to do it first. I'm sure everyone has had the sensation of thinking, Why do I have to do this hard practice? Look how happy the people in the bar are. They're just absorbing happiness by the tankard.

Sometimes an AA they'll tell somebody, well, maybe you need to go out and do some more experimentation.

Some people when they change the way they live, sort of reinforce it why the internal commentary or criticism of other people who haven't done what they've done

is no one more intolerant than the new convert

even though they themselves were in the bar just a week ago. The first stage of practice is to see that my life is totally centered around myself. Yes, I do have these self self centered opinions, I do have these self centered thoughts, I do have these self centered emotions. I have these all for mourning tonight. Just this awareness is in itself a great step. Then the next stage. The next stage and these stages may take years is to observe what we do with all these thoughts, fantasies and emotions, which usually is to cling to them, to cherish them to believe them to believe that we would be miserable and lost without them. Without that person I will be lost. Unless the situation goes my way. I can't make it. If we require that life be a certain way, inevitably we suffer since life is always the way it is. And not always fair. Not always pleasant.

Roshi Kapleau once gave a teisho about man's justice and God's justice God's justice is not always fair.

There's no appeal. Life is not particularly the way we want it to be. It is just the way it is. And that need not prevent our enjoyment of it, our appreciation and our gratitude. Were like baby birds sitting in their nest waiting for mommy and daddy to put food in their beaks. that's appropriate for baby birds. Although mommy and daddy have more freedom flying around all day, we may think we don't envy the life of baby birds. But we do just what they do, expecting life to put as little goodies in our mouths. I want it my way I want what I want. I want my girlfriend to be different. I want my mother to suit me. I want to live where I want to live, I want money or success or or we are like the baby birds, except that we hide our greed, and they don't. In a nature documentary film, a mama bear is shown bringing up her little ones. She teaches her cubs to hunt, to fish to climb, to do what cubs need to learn for survival. Then one day she chases all of them up a tree. And then what does she do? Mama Bear just leaves and doesn't even look back? How do the Cubs feel about this? They probably feel terrified. But the path of freedom is to be terrified. They're all baby birds or baby bears. And we would like to find some piece of mama life to hang on to preferably in 18 different ways. But at least in one, none of us wishes to hop out of our nest, because that's terrifying. But the process of becoming fully independent, or of experiencing that we already are that is to be terror over and over and over. So much of growing into our life. So much of learning how to practice is that willingness to do what we're afraid to do. And the more we do it, the more it becomes possible to do it. Sometimes it's helpful to just step back and say what do I want? What's What do I value what's important to me? And anything of great value is going to require us to do what we don't want to do.

So we do it. First we do it and we're still grumbling. Eventually, there's no need to even think about it.

So koan the sound of the bell the world is vast and wide. Why do you put on your robe at the sound of the bell?

We fight against being free against the abandonment of our dream that eventually life will be exactly as we wish it, that it will shelter us. That's why practice can seem difficult. Zen has to free us to live a soaring life, which in its freedom, its non attachment is the enlightened state just being life itself. In the first years of practice we do is on Zen to understand our attachment process and its growth aspects. And then over the years, we practice with our more subtle and even more poisonous attachments, practices for a lifetime. could say the practices for lifetimes. There is no end to it. But if we truly practice we definitely realize our own freedom. Cub who has been away from Mama for two or three months may not have the strength and skill of nada. But still it is doing well and probably enjoying more enjoying life more than the little bear who has to trail mama everywhere she goes. Probably enjoys both dailies I Zen is essential. But because we are so stubborn, we usually need the pressure of long sitting to see our attachments to sit along sesshin is a major blow to our hopes and dreams, the barriers to enlightenment and to say that there is no hope is not at all pessimistic. There can be no hope, because there is nothing but this very moment When we hope, we are anxious because we get lost between where we are and where we hope to be. No hope that is non attachment. The enlightened state is a life of subtleness say a life of equanimity. Oh, she does have equanimity, of genuine thought and emotion. It is the fruit of true practice, always beneficial to ourselves and to others, and worth the endless devotion and practice it entails.

This moment now, somebody asked the Dalai Lama, when was your happiest moment. And he reflected for a moment he said, I think right now.

Are wanting things to be different, that creates the barrier. Meister Eckhart, the mystic who lived, think in Germany in the 1300s, I believe, somewhere there in the Middle Ages, said and I say to you by the eternal truth, that as long as you desire to fulfill the will of God, and have any desire after eternity, and God, so long are you not truly poor, he alone have true spiritual poverty, who wills nothing knows nothing, desires nothing.

And then St. John of the Cross said, in order to be all, do not desire to be anything, in order to know all to not desire to know anything, in order to find the joy of all did not desire to enjoy anything.

Free empty imbedded in life

this effort that we make in our Zen, to unite with our practice, to drop the thoughts to merge with the breath through the colon that's what we're doing

there's a momentum, as we try and fail, try and fail, get caught up in this or that notice, come back again and again and again. The mind changes the mind becomes cleaner, we feel some of the freedom that before we were only talking about already in this machine, see this life this freedom in people in the joke's on room

such an opportunity. Stop trying to protect ourselves. give it our all. Steady. However, it comes gently, ferociously, patiently looking in, turning the mind back.

No more conducive place to this kind of practice than sesshin to do it with other people to have the support of so many other people, both here in the Zendo on wine, many, many people, but 50 of us all swimming upstream against our habitual tendency to sit in our silent pool safe from the blows of the world.

Opening, opening to this life

time is up. We'll stop now and recite the four vows