Welcome to the sovereign heart podcast, where we get to talk about what it takes to live love and build relationships from the unlimited potential of your heart. My name is Michaela rose Soleil. I'm the polyamorous dating and relationship coach, artist, lover, communication, nerd, total water bender and heart centered weirdo, and I'm so honored to be alive at the same time as you how great is that the world is a changing place, and so are the ways we love and support one another, within and beyond the paradigms of monogamy, polyamory, nonviolent, communication, polarity, tantra, attachment, twin flames, dating, kink and more. There is one thread that weaves us all trust, a nutrient that is only created from a willingness to go first, the discernment to call a red flag, red crystal clear communication and a little bit of faith in the unknown. I am so excited to be on this journey with you. Let's dive in. Hello, beautiful sovereign hearted beings. Welcome to another episode of the sovereign heart podcast. My name is Michaela. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being willing to go on the journey of learning, living, being with what it takes to love, from the sovereignty of your heart, of your truth, of your beautiful, unique expression of you within yourself, in the way you hold yourself, and with the people, The partners, the friends, the families that you love. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's been an amazing year of doing this podcast. I'm recording this here on December the 24th on Christmas Eve, and I'm so excited to share this with you. This is our last episode of the year, and I was really thinking about, if there's anything that I can speak to of what to focus on in relationships in 2025 one thing that I could share, which is really four things, and one thing is the way that we communicate, and These four terribly bad habits we have in communication. If you are looking for a New Year's resolution of some kind, here it is when it comes to communication, to create better relationships, to create better ways of expressing, getting your needs met, and just genuinely creating more connection, more understanding, more love, and of course, that leads to naturally more pleasure, more joy, more expanded states of being in life, in love, in the world, with the people you love, in a way that feels so good, and in a way that honors that sovereignty that we talk about all the time. So let's kick these four bad communication habits in 2025 and I say kick them, not actually kick them. Okay, this is a weird, weird way to start the analogy. Maybe we'll throw that out. But I say, really, how do
we kick these bad habits? Because they are four bad habits, and they're coming from the four horsemen, actually, of from the work of Dr John Gottman. And so these are the four horsemen. And he calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, because when these four horsemen of communication are present in relationships. And if you have, like, one of them or two, right, in small doses, like you're you know you're probably going to be okay, especially if you have other things that are stabilizing and connecting and helping you find your center and find the love again, with the people with, the person you know that you're creating a relationship with. But if all four of these are present, or like three or more, like they're all the time, every day, present in your relationships, that's why he calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, because they are the number one precursor, the number one indication that a relationship is not going to work out long term. You thought it was chemistry, or, like, are we a good match? Or, you know, those things are important, don't get me wrong. Or, you know, do we like each other's families, whatever? No, actually, all those things cannot predict as much as your communication patterns as to whether or not this relationship will work out for you long term, which is maybe suck if you realize that you don't have the best communication patterns. But it's also amazing, because we can't necessarily change our families or our chemistry. Um. Or those kind of things. But we can change the way that we communicate. We can change the way that we show up for communication, and the ways that we've been kind of taught and programmed to communicate that are often very unhelpful, unless you were, you know, perhaps had parents that were like very aware of what conscious communication was, or something like that, in which case you might have great communication, and then this might help you if you have a partner that doesn't have great communication and didn't have that privilege to have that that kind of support growing up. But my understanding and my perception of doing this work and speaking to many different people, many different couples, is that many of us do not have this education. Many of us do not have the understanding of how to create healthy communication. So the awareness of these four horsemen, and so we're going to talk about the awareness of them, how to spot them, and also how to put them back in the stables. That's That's why I changed my metaphor of like the kick. I'm like, I don't want to kick the horses back in the stables, but we want to put them lovingly back into the stables. I love my a colleague of mine used this recently, of like the putting the Four Horsemen back in the stables. And I really love that, because it's truly, it truly is what it is. When these things show up, you can notice them, and you can say, hey, this is acting up. Like, alright, let's put you back into a place where you're safe, you're contained, right? We're not trying to ever, like, destroy these patterns or, like, make them wrong or shame them, because that's just gonna, you know, intensify them. You know, anything you resist, persist, kind of thing. So instead of trying to eradicate them or make them wrong or bad, it's really this intention of treating them lovingly and going, Hey, this is not working, you know, why don't we take you over here and sit you down and have a conversation and see what's up and see what's what's causing this, and what are some new strategies, Because a horse that is operating under this, you know, and we'll get to what they are soon, under one of these four, you know, bad habits is not a healthy horse, right? So you're actually taking care of that horse, metaphorically, when you begin to notice, decide, let's not do this anymore, personally and with with your your loved ones, and lovingly take that horse back in the stable by finding what are the new ways that we can communicate, what are the antidotes to these kind of bad habits, and how do we put those into application? So I'll be talking about all of that today, and before I even get into it, I want to let you know that if communication is something you have been struggling with for a long time, and you know, a podcast episode is maybe not the best resource at this point, please reach out. I have a few sessions. You know, packages open for 2025 for couples, and I would love to help guide you through whatever challenges, whatever speed bumps you're experiencing, and help you get back on the track of putting those horses in the stables and finding your own way back to connection, communication, love and the sovereignty of your heart. So super excited about that, please reach out. You can always send me a message on Instagram or Facebook. All those links are down in the show notes, and yeah, that's all okay. Back to the episode. So let's get excited about this, because awareness is exciting. So the first of these four horsemen is criticism. So, and I want to be really specific about this criticism, meaning attacking your partner's character, their personality, their appearance, and so this is like an attack on them, as opposed to addressing specific behaviors or actions, because the personal kind of attack on the character, on who you are, on the way you look, oh, I don't like that mannerism that you have, or whatever it is, that kind of criticism does not Help You shift anything in the relationship. If you are bringing this kind of awareness to hey, there's something in this relationship that is not working for me, or I feel really upset about this thing that's happening, you can focus on the specific behavior or the specific action that's happening, so that you can create a constructive conversation around that. So I thought I would kind of go in naming all the four horsemen and then the antidotes. But I think I want to go right into talking about the antidote kind of while I'm talking about these because, because there's a lot of nuance to it. So for this bad habit, this Horseman of criticism, right? Yeah, it's usually when you're attacking somebody's character, somebody's, you know, way of being, whatever it is. There's either something in yourself that you haven't fully addressed, like you're not really fully all in for this relationship, or there's some kind of wounding, or some kind of trigger that their behavior, or, sorry, not their behavior, but that's just them existing in the world is bringing up for you. And so that's something that needs to be addressed, right? That's something that you can actually look at personally and get curious and go, oh, oh, okay, I'm actually feeling a little bit insecure about this, because when you chuckle like that, you know, my my dad would laugh at me or something like, I'm just making something up here, my dad would laugh at me, you know, whenever I would, I would mess up my words, or something like that. And so when you chuckle, I perceive you kind of as that same energy, and I get insecure, and then I lash out at you and I criticize you for chuckling. Don't chuckle like that. You sound so stupid, right? Like I lash out, in a way, even though I'm the one that hurting. So those kind of awarenesses can help a lot with criticism. However, sometimes the criticisms that we have are actually really
kind of a driving force to helping us create more of what we actually want in the relationship. So this is the kind of constructive criticism that are about behaviors and actions that you can bring conscious, loving awareness to. So the actual antidote to this Horseman of criticism, how you bring that horse back in the stable, is first checking in and seeing is this criticism something that I have about myself, because I've experienced something in the past, and it's kind of coming up as reflecting that back to me, and that's super uncomfortable, because then that's something you can look at within yourself, or is it something that's really not working, like, Hey, I noticed that when you take the compost out, this actually happened The other day. I noticed when you take out for me, when you take out the compost, you take it out of the bin, and then you put it outside, but then you go to bed, and the animals can come, like, we live in the woods, and animals can come and, like, rip open the compost, and then it's like a worse mess the next morning. And then also I smell it when I walk out the door, and I'm like, Oh, interesting, right? So I could go into criticism. I could be like, Why don't you take out the combo? That's so gross. I would never do that, right? Like, I could get into that little I think it's the criticism. A lot of the times it's like a little gremlin creature within me. That's how I kind of know if I have like a gremlin voice in the back of my head, or I feel like a little gremlin, like it's very telling to me that I'm in that kind of critical space within myself. And so instead of being attacking about it, the invitation and the antidote to criticism and really addressing the things that you're concerned about, like me being concerned about the compost attracting animals like that's a legitimate concern, not just a, you know, whatever criticism, right? Then I can turn that from approaching it as, oh, there's something wrong with you. I have to attack you for this. You did something wrong. Now I need to say something that will like, make you do something about it and make you feel bad for doing it. That's kind of a lot of the time what criticism is. And so instead by saying, hey, you know, there's something that I think needs to be done differently, differently here, right? And also, I can create a space for that. In this case, it was simple, right? It was just, Hey, honey, like I noticed that the compost is still outside. And here's my concern about that with the animals, and you know, something coming and ripping the bag open at night, and it also is really stinky when I walk out the door. I would really prefer that when you take out the compost, you just take it all the way to the compost bin, where it's kind of contained and sealed off and safe from animals, and also I don't have to smell it. So that kind of a conversation was super simple. Sometimes it might be a little bit deeper. Sometimes it might be something that's a little bit more more vulnerable, and that's where you can actually ask for the space to talk about it. Hey, I have something to share with you. It might be a little bit hard to hear. Is now a good time to share that? And if you get a no, then ask for another time. Okay, would later, you know when you're done work? Or, you know, I never try to have these kind of conversations over text or phone call, if possible. If you you're doing the long distance thing, then absolutely try for, like, a video call or something, just so that you can really feel like you're with the person and you're not disconnected, or, like, trying to express something without fully being present. Really ask for the space. Really slow down, take some deep breaths together, especially if it's something sensitive or vulnerable, and let them know I. Something that might be hard to hear. Are you willing and available to share that? And so instead of focusing on them and what you don't like and what isn't working, focus on how it impacts you and possible solutions on a way forward. You notice with the compost, kind of thing I focused on, hey, this is how I'm feeling. I'm feeling concerned about the animals, and I'm feeling a little bit uncomfortable about the smell. Can I, you know? Can Can you collaborate on this? What do you need to help make sure that you remember to take out the compost? Do you need a reminder? Is that just something you can do now that we've had this conversation? And in this case, it was right, it was something simple. So now I actually want to backtrack a little bit, because I remembered. I wanted to go into kind of some of the general overview, right? If you haven't listened to any my like previous episodes on communication, I just wanted to give kind of an overview before we get into the other three horsemen of things that are going to be helpful for all of these things to remember, that are going to be helpful to really create more of that energy of the antidote, rather than getting stuck As as the unhealthy horse, the thing that will help the horse come back to the stable and rehabilitate. I'm really going for the metaphor here and make it possible to have healthy communication and kick these bad habits next year. So these are just going to be overall for all of these, they're going to be helpful. But I think it's helpful to talk about this first, actually, as we get into the other things. So for every one of these, the things that are going to be helpful is holding your judgments right, really being aware of your judgments, your kind of opinions, and everything like that. Really practicing listening exquisitely. I have a whole episode on exquisite listening and how to do that, and what that really means. You can absolutely go back into the episodes and check that out. I also do a little demo with my partner on how to have that kind of conversation that I mentioned in the first one of like, Hey, is now a good time? You know, that kind of thing. I kind of break that down all the way in that episode. So if you want to go listen to that, you can go check that one out for a deeper understanding. But this is just a broad overview of some things that are going to be helpful. So really listening exquisitely, which really means listening not to respond, but listening to listen, practicing using I statements. So I feel, I want, I need. I'm concerned about this. I'm feeling a little insecure, I'm feeling disappointed, I'm feeling frustrated right now. I need a moment. I need a little bit of clarity here, right there's many different ways that you can express this, and using the I statements are going to help your partner not take take things so personally, because it can be so easy to do that. It can be so easy to take things personally when we're trying to have good communication. So using I feel statements and taking ownership of your own emotions, your own experiences, and not putting them on the other person is always going to be helpful in coming back to healthy communication, really practicing the tools of mirroring, acknowledging and understanding. So if somebody shares, I'm feeling upset. Oh, I understand you're feeling upset, right now. That makes so much sense, right? I'm acknowledging. I'm mirroring what they said back to them. I'm showing up and showing that I understand that can be so powerful and sometimes the most impactful thing, to actually help shift out of a really bad communication pattern and into something where somebody finally feels heard, seen, understood, like they can express themselves, like it's safe to express themselves. It's such a big thing. We're taught so much about having to keep our expressions to ourselves, you know, and the fear of what happens if we say what we really mean and say the truth. And so the next thing is really taking things, one thing at a time, we have such a tendency that when an argument comes up, when some kind of discomfort comes up, when some kind of conflict arises, there can be so many things that have happened in past moments in the relationship, especially if you haven't had healthy communication patterns, those things go unaddressed. And every time they come up, it might be a slightly different argument or a slightly different conflict, but it's often the same root cause. It's kind of the same thing. And so we have this habit of focusing on everything that has ever been uncomfortable, everything that has been around this topic, every single time. That it comes up. And so this is when we get in the habit of bringing up the task and, oh, remember that time you did this? And remember, Oh, you, you always. And this kind of leads into the next one is not using always and never statements, because it's so these kind of tie in right when we're focused on all of the hurt all at once. We're like, oh, you always do this. You always forget to take out the compost, or you never understand, or you never care about this thing that I care about. You know, always and never statements can make things so impossible to get behind, because then you're giving this again, kind of this picture of somebody's character and saying You are literally this person who never cares. That's a really impactful statement to hear, right? It's one thing of like, I don't feel cared for in this moment. I don't feel connected in this moment. I'm feeling overwhelmed by how many times this argument has happened over and over again, right? That's different than I always feel uncomfortable, or I always can't stand, or I never get what I need. Those kind of statements can break a relationship apart. So as we're putting the horsemen back in the stables, know that those things are often connected in a myriad of ways, so watch out for them and make the conscious choice, make the commitment as you're listening as you're moving into the new year, to put those things back in the stables too. Also something to note is to add self regulation and or CO regulation anytime that you're trying to find a different way to communicate anytime that you start feeling activated, anytime you're about to sit down and try to have a more difficult conversation. Really adding those layers of regulation, breathing together, hugging, taking a walk outside by yourself, before doing something challenging with your partner, doing whatever you need to do to find comfort, to find peace, to find even just 1% more okayness, because in the midst of struggle and conflict and sometimes chaos, right? It is difficult to find peace. It is difficult to just stay with something that's difficult over and over and over again, without taking that time to cultivate something different, to cultivate a sense of peace, awareness, connection to yourself, connection to your partner, it builds this foundation of goodness. It builds a foundation of okayness, even when things don't feel okay, when we have more resources available. However we find those resources, whether it's through calling a friend or being in nature or meditation, yoga, any kind of breathing technique, any kind of cuddling or CO regulation or massage, whatever it is, weaving those things in, even and especially when challenges and communication, challenges especially are difficult, can make such a difference for being able to move through conflicts that you otherwise would not be able of, would not be able to so those are the general kind of overview of These are things that are going to be helpful. These are like your little barnyard tools, as we're trying to learning to put those horses back in this table. These are all the kind of tools that you have at hand. So let's continue talking about the Four Horsemen. And so we have three more. We went through criticism, and so now we're going to move into defensiveness. So defensiveness is really about taking it personally. In the book The Four Agreements, one of the Four Agreements is, I won't take things personally, right? So this is actually going to be already a huge antidote, huge antidote, antidote, antidote, a huge way to manage and handle this, for this Horseman of defensiveness, is by deciding I will not take things personally, because it truly is a choice, and that choice is the ability to make. That choice is, of course, rooted in your history, in your past and your trauma, in your skill and your ability to show up for yourself and self regulate and hold yourself through things, right? And so please check out my my other episodes on emotional regulation and like how to work with your emotions and things like that. If that's something that you're unfamiliar with, there's an episode on the Sedona Method, which is a great way to move through emotions in in a really quick, really easy kind of way, especially when the emotions are around a person, or being kind of directed at a person, this that that episode can be really helpful. So please go there if you. Need more support in knowing how to self regulate and how to work with your own emotions. So those kind of things are what's going to be helpful to make that decision, I will not take things personally, because this, for this Horseman of defensiveness, is really all about taking it personally, becoming like overly sensitive to, you know somebody else and what they're doing. And I don't mean overly sensitive, as in, like sensitivity or vulnerability is a bad thing. Absolutely not. Sensitivity and vulnerability is a superpower. It's my biggest superpower, for sure. I will never demonize or make sensitivity wrong 100% but this is more about taking on somebody else's emotions as your own burden. So it's really not about being like overly sensitive. It's about having porous boundaries. Really, it's about taking on and making what somebody means. I also have a whole nother episode about boundaries. I think it's a very recent one, so check that out. If this is something that you want to learn more about, but taking on somebody else's experience, especially if they're going into criticism or one of the other four horsemen, right? That you start taking that on and making it mean something about yourself. When you do this, it's really easy to start getting defensive, right? To start going, Well, no, I don't do that. You do that right? Like the age old, like, No, you,
I know you are, but what am I like? That kind of thing? Like, we're taught to say that kind of stuff as kids, and so we bring that into our relationships, and we hear them say that they're upset about something, even if they are using I statements sometimes, sometimes, our brain still immediately goes into this space of you're criticizing me, even if it's not a criticism, even if they're saying something that has nothing to do with you, right? If your partner's sad, then you assume that you're the one that makes them sad, or that you're doing something wrong, and then you're like, why are you sad? Like, why are you being like that? Like, like, and when they're upset, and they kind of lash out, and, you know, you see how this is a vicious cycle, they lash out. And then you're like, Oh, you're being so mean. Like, oh, like, like, you're take you're putting your sadness on to me. It's like, no, no, you're not mirroring, you're not acknowledging, you're not understanding, you're taking their feelings personally. You're making it mean something about you. So yeah, they're gonna come back at you, and it's gonna make it even more difficult to work through whatever's going on and actually understand why they're sad in the first place. So this can also look like denying responsibility for your own actions. So this is really being kind of in that place where you're so upset about something, or you're so kind of righteous about something that you're unwilling to see how you played an impact in that. So if somebody, oh my gosh, like, where did I see this last night? I think it was in like, a, like, a show or a skit that I was watching last night, and the girl was, the woman was expressing her insecurities, and she's like, Hey, you went around and, like, you asked our family what, like, what they thought my bra size was because you were, like, getting a present. I felt super insecure, but I wasn't insecure about my boob size, but now I am so it was just, it was just this skit. This didn't actually happen, you know, but she's like, well, like, I felt super insecure when you did that. And I would love to hear that, you know, you take accountability. She didn't say those words. She wanted him to say sorry, but really, when we're asking somebody to say sorry, we're saying, Hey, you had a pretty strong impact on me. I'm taking ownership of my feelings, but you also had an impact on that, and I really want to hear you take accountability for that. And in this scenario, the guy just looks at her, he's like, Oh, well, if that made you feel insecure underneath everything, you might just be insecure. It's like, okay, gaslighting. Like, thank you, right? But that's this kind of energy. It's the unwillingness to take responsibility for the impact that you had on somebody in this scenario. If he had simply been like, wow, I didn't realize, I didn't realize that that was so impactful, and that that would add to your experience of feeling insecure about your breasts, about your boob size, right? And so that would allow him to then get back in right relationship, put his own horse back in the stable, and show her that he is committed and willing to show up for healthy communication and show up for the relationship. So that's a really, a beautiful example, right there. And then this also looks like counter attacking when criticized. So somebody comes at you with that first horseman, and you counter it right back. Right. And you just counter the criticism, and then it's like two harpies, kind of like going at each other, and that is a vicious cycle in which, please, please, please, please, please, if you find yourself in that place, come back to the self regulation tools, come back to any of the tools I mentioned at the beginning and help try to break that cycle. Really focus on listening to listen, remember that it's likely not about the moment. It's likely about something in the past. Do your best to come back to what's going to help you in that situation. And so, right? So one more thing about defensiveness, don't take it personally, right? The Four Agreements, great, great book, to not take it personally. Make that commitment to yourself. If defensiveness is something that crops up for you quite often, and the second one is going to be to practice listening from the observer. So this was something that was actually really helpful in my current relationship with my partner, when we were talking about how to really listen to listen. And I think that that getting into that space, because I think it is a different head space, a different inner space that you go to when you're listening to listen, versus when you're just sort of shooting the shits, having a conversation kind of thing. And so for him, and I think for a lot of other people, going into this more observer role. And so if you have ever meditated, if you have ever done any kind of breathing practice, if you've ever had an experience with, like, an expanded state of consciousness that you were just aware of,
Oh, my goodness, like I'm I'm this little speck
of dust in the world, watching the world, how beautiful it's this place inside of you that is always present, always there, always connected, always, you know, connected to source, to God, to you know, whatever you call that creative energy, that place in you is always there when you go on the journey of learning to tap into it, and so going on this journey is a lot about coming into that place, being willing to connect to and getting really curious about what helps you connect to that place where you can simply breathe, drop your shoulders, relax and come from your heart, and really come from this place of listening to listen, listening beyond just your ears, listening with your heart, listening with curiosity, listening from this place that doesn't judge, that doesn't condemn, that doesn't make wrong, that doesn't, you know, put the judgments and opinions and everything first. Those things are still going to come up, just like a meditation, thoughts, ideas, feelings, sensations, all come up during the meditation. The whole point is to come back to that present kind of observer place. So if you've never tried meditation, that's a great place to start. Set a timer for five minutes. I love to do it like watching like logs floating in a river or clouds floating by. It's a great way to just practice this observance, noticing thoughts as they come up, like a little cloud or a little log in the river and you go, nice, beautiful, right? Or you don't have to have any commentary. It's just noticing that they're there and watching them float on by, just like a log in a river floating by, or a stick whatever, or a cloud floating by. And you might have a big storm cloud, and you might have like a blockage of sticks or whatever. But then the water comes through, and eventually they move along, or the wind comes through, and eventually they move along. And if you have a lot of defensiveness, this is a great practice to adopt, so that you can practice coming into that observer place, so that you don't have to take things as personally, and so that you can listen with your heart, listen deeply. Listen to what somebody's saying, even if they're not using perfect communication and they might be criticizing you or whatever, being able to be the one that's like, No, I'm not going to take this personally. I'm just going to listen. I'm going to listen for the feelings, the needs. I'm going to listen beyond what I'm hearing and do my best to understand where this person is coming from, and what's really going on for them right now, because that's going to help them come back to that place as well, which is so, so powerful and creates this experience like you're on a team, right? Because when you're in relationship, you're on each other's team. And we have to remember that we constantly want to, like be battling each other, and get into these places where it's you versus me, and whenever we can do something that helps us remember that we're on the same team, we're creating that foundation again. We're creating that secure base so that we can come back, put these horses in the stables, and create the healthy communication that is going. To be so potent in creating more connection, intimacy, all the good things. So the third Horseman is contempt. So this is disrespect, disdain, mockery, sarcasm. Eye rolls. It rolling. You know, using a condescending tone, I think of this so much as, like, the old ball and chain paradigm of relationships, like, you know, like the the old idea of relationship with, like, the husband and wife and he's like,
Oh yeah, my, my old lady ball and
chain, you know, like, that whole thing, right? Like, that's kind of the old paradigm of relationships, because for a long time, marriage was, was a lot about, you know, mostly about security, mostly about ownership of land, of future children, right? All sorts of things tied into that. I have a whole episode on whole series, actually on, like, unearthing unconscious narratives around monogamy and everything like that. There's like a three part series on that somewhere in the podcast. So if you want to understand more of what I'm talking about, there more about the old paradigm, and then, like, what we can shift into. Please listen to that. But, but, but, but, but, but, where were we? Okay, so this is the kind of paradigm where, and that's, that's what I really think of as contempt is, is it's coming from, is kind of this old paradigm and this habit of just imagining and perceived asianship As this really terrible like sacrifice that you have to make for another. And so the contempt is, I think, kind of this horseman that has developed as a way to deal with the, you know, the expression of sacrifice, not in a good way, because there's, there's a good expression of sacrifice, and we'll get to that in a minute. But sacrifice in the way of, like, oh, like the wife that, like slaves over the food every day, and doesn't ever get an appreciation or anything like that. Her labor is not recognized or acknowledged, you know? And so instead of making actual changes or asking for that acknowledgement or asking for that, she takes it upon herself to find little moments and little ways just to act in content like, great, like you're you're gonna go watch TV again. Oh, right. And she talks about her partner like that, to her friends and to her family. And, you know, there, I see this a lot of the times, you know, in in families, in the way that we talk about our partners with other people, in the way that we, you know, oh yeah, he's all whatever or Oh, he's,
you know her, she's always over there, you know, ball and Shane, right? I'm being very general.
I'm sorry this is really bad examples, but I see this communication, we act in contempt because we're not actually fully feeling connected. And we're not feeling like we're in the relationship for the right reasons. We're not feeling we like we're there because we're excited. To be. We're feeling like we're there because we have to be. Because there's some kind of idea about security. A lot of the time there is security, right? Like financial kind of ties and things like that, or kids all just stay in for the kids, you know. And then we go into this place of contempt. We hold on to this idea that we have to sacrifice in an unhealthy way, in a like, in a not good way, right for the relationship, and so then we have to develop these kind of habits of eye rolling and sarcasm and contempt for the person that we're with. And we might do that with people that we know talking about them, and we might even do that with them to their face, right? And that can be deeply impactful. If you kind of start this, like, get the this, I don't know, get this ball rolling in a way of contempt where, like, eye rolling is normal. Sarcasm is normal. I used to use sarcasm in relationships all the time, and they didn't think it was a big deal, until I realized that true intimacy and true connection completely is cut off by sarcasm. And I don't just mean like the fun little quips or, you know, just like the silly jokes or something like that. I just mean like the everyday sarcastic remarks that are kind of seen as funny sometimes, but when those things happen over and over and over and over again, it just creates such contempt for the relationship and for the people in the relationship, for each other. You know, it just creates this setting where it's like. Uh, whatever, like you. So
it was just people will be, women will be women. Men will be people will be people, whatever.
You roll your eyes and you get on with your life. That is not a great way to be communicating how we're feeling. So let's talk about sacrifice, and let's talk about what I meant when I said that there is a healthy version of sacrifice. Because in looking at this, my feeling is really that a huge way to shift of contempt and put this horse back in its stable is to really get curious about what a healthy form of sacrifice looks like, because sacrifice, I usually, like, I honestly really hated this word for a long time because I'm so like, anti, old paradigm relationship and like, pro, like, sovereignty and all that kind of stuff that I really didn't like this word for a long time. But what I understand now is the sacrifice. Really just means grieving the loss of one choice to choose another. That's it like letting yourself feel the loss of one choice to choose another. You want to go on a vacation? You can only go on one vacation this year. Do you want to go to Australia or Europe? You can't do both in this scenario, right? What do you choose? Okay? You choose Europe. You're sacrificing the trip to Australia. You choose Australia, you're sacrificing the trip to Europe. Maybe there's pros and cons. Maybe there's a reason you choose one or the other. Either way, you sacrifice the other. Maybe you do it another time. Maybe you never get to do it right, and you grieve the loss of the thing never chosen. Same is true for relationships. When we're in this sacrifice, we're grieving the loss of perhaps what we didn't choose if we're monogamous, we're grieving the loss of not choosing maybe somebody else or something else, right? Or if we're showing up in the relationship, and this is true for all relationships, not just monogamy, if we are putting the relationship into a place of really caring about it, putting it first, in a lot of ways, putting it into a place of, I'm gonna show up for this, like, I can think of an example, just from the other day. I love doing my morning meditation, my morning walk, like I go outside and walk in nature, and it's so good for me, and it's so healing, and I love it so much. But I committed to having, like, date mornings every Sunday with my partner, and this Sunday morning, or whatever recently that it was I woke up and I really wasn't into it, like I wasn't really into having this date. We had it all planned. We were gonna do this little breath work practice, and it was all set up. I had it set for myself, and I had so much resistance, because I just wanted to go do my thing in nature and spend like hours outside and do that like I normally do, not that I always spend hours, you know, but on a weekend or whatever, I might have a couple hours to go and spend outside, and I realized that I would be sacrificing that time with myself to spend time with my partner In the relationship. I could have taken that with contempt. I could have been, Oh, all right, I agree, and I committed to doing this, and I'll just show up for it, right? Do it fine, and I bring that energy, and I wouldn't have had a good time. He would have probably felt that, you know, I was there out of this kind of unhealthy form of sacrifice, not really processing my feelings about it and showing up from this place of contempt. Instead, I decided wholeheartedly to connect to my sense of devotion. So this is truly what I feel is the antidote to this unhealthy version of sacrifice that shifts it into a healthy version, and shifts us out of this old paradigm and into places where we don't have to be perpetuating contempt, and we could put that horse back in the in the stable, is by connecting to devotion. So devotion is this really beautiful, really healthy part, really healthy experience of sacrifice, or it can be devotion does not have to be about sacrifice at all, but it can allow sacrifice to be something that allows us to go yes, like I was the other day where I felt the kind of torn of like, oh, I have to sacrifice this time with myself, to spend time with my partner. Well, the relationship. I know how good this will be for that over time and in the moment. I know how much I love this relationship. I know how committed I am. I know how much I care about showing up for the things that I say I'm going to show up for, not from a place of. Of contempt or disdain or something like that, but from a full place of really connected to my heart, really excited to be there, really just willing, able and in devotion to the thing at hand. If I'm not able to get to that space for one reason or another, like I'm having a really hard day, I might ask for something else. I might take a rain check. But if I can honestly come into myself and do my best to connect to that place of devotion, grieve the loss of whatever I know I'm not going to do because I'm choosing connection, I'm choosing commitment, then I can come back into that place of devotion, of healthy sacrifice I grieve the loss of what I didn't choose, and then I fucking love the thing I did choose, because I'm in devotion, and it feels so so good. So this can be something to think about. If contempt is something that comes up often for what your relationship to sacrifice and what is your relationship to devotion? I think that's a really good place to start, a really good place to explore. So one other thing to really get curious about, especially on these lines of like devotion and healthy sex and everything that is to learn to express your big feelings and your like, big long standing or really, like the more stickier emotions and things like that, in a way with creativity. So learning to express your annoyance, your frustration, creatively. So I mentioned before that sometimes I'll feel those like darker emotions or more critical thoughts and things like that. So this could also be helpful for criticism as well, just depending on how it's showing up for you, if it's more of a critical voice, or it's more of like this eye rolling, like whatever, like the whatever kind of voice like this is. So whatever it is, give it a voice amplified a little bit. And I don't mean like, do this necessarily, with a partner. That can be a really beautiful practice if both of you are super aware of what's going on, and you've set up the space for that, but that's like way more of an advanced practice. So please don't try to do this with a partner if you've never even tried to do it before. First and foremost is connecting to the emotion, connecting to the feeling. If you can give it a voice, like as if you had a little table like the throne of your heart, a little table with all the parts of you coming to your heart, getting to have a voice, getting to have a say. Can you give the criticism? Can you give the contempt a voice? Can you let it express whatever shit that it needs to get out or journal it, or whatever it is, and then hold yourself with that. Thank you for sharing. That makes so much sense that you feel that way. Is there anything that you need right? And so sometimes these parts of ourselves can show us and reveal to us deeper insights onto what we're actually feeling, so that we can then address that and kind of do the inner work around it, or something that it really, really needs, like a healthy form of devotion, or a healthy form of being able to connect and being able to grieve whatever you didn't choose by choosing to be with the person that you're with, or to do the thing that you said that you wanted to do, and doing it. So
along those lines of kind of creatively expressing, I mentioned that there's this more advanced version, and that is really more about allowing yourself to be seen in those more vulnerable, in those more darker, stickier kind of parts. And I say it's an advanced practice because it's really easy, if this isn't something you're used to, if you don't already have healthy communication, if you're struggling with a lot of these four horsemen, it might not be great, but I do want to speak to it in case you are doing pretty well with communication, and you would like to deepen into your ability to express. This can be, really be a practice of using art and using drama. If you've ever been like a theater kid or experienced theater in any way, bringing an art to expressing especially these recurring, challenging, heavier you know, the criticism, the contempt, the disdain, all of those kind of things into something that gets to be art. Maybe you actually make an art piece and you show it to your partner, and they're like, Wow, that's beautiful, right? Or you find a way to actually connect and express these things and ask for the container that is the most important part. The same thing that you would do for a conversation, an exquisite listening conversation. Ask for the space. Ask for the space. I want to express something theatrically. It doesn't mean anything about you. It is a commentary on my inner narrative and the things that I'm having experiencing inside of myself. Are you open and available to hearing that? It. Might be really hard to hear. You probably need to get really present and really connected to yourself and hang out in that observer role to be able to hold what I'm about to reveal to you right. Are you? Are you? Are you resourced for that? Are you willing and available to hold that kind of space right? That can this can be a really deep place to be able to go with a partner, when you start to understand each other's little nuances and little patterns. And for me, this looks like the little grumbling, right that I said I experienced the criticism, or sometimes like that. Can I bring that to my partner? And I actually do that sometimes, and because we have a deeper communication around that. I all I really have to say at this point is like, Oh, I feel my little gremlin come up. And if he's willing and available, he's like, Oh, show me, you know, show me more. Like, I want to see like, like, Oh, it's so cute. Like, like, what do you got, right? And my Gremlin might be like, I'm not cute. Like, I
will come and destroy your life and everything will be terrible for having I just want to be seen, but hate everything right, like
right? I don't, I don't know. I don't know what's going to be there for you, but you never know what comes up. And there is such a deep healing to be able to do this kind of thing with yourself, and to be able to be willing to lean in and play with your partner, and that turns these kind of energies of criticism and contempt into this devotional practice of continuing to reveal, continuing to show yourself, continuing to be seen, even when it feels challenging, even when it feels so uncomfortable, right? And that helps us continue to create that connection. So contempt is definitely an interesting one. Please take whatever you needed from this and leave the rest. So the fourth and final horseman that we're going to talk about is stonewalling. So this is stonewalling. Is really about withdrawing emotionally or physically from a conversation. So this can look like silence avoidance, like a blank or kind of like, you know, stonewalling, sort of expression, so anywhere where you are withdrawing your energy, withdrawing your attention. Maybe you get triggered by something that leads you to do this. Maybe you have a pattern of disassociating from an experience that's uncomfortable, right? So there's many reasons that's that people can do this. Maybe you perceive that communication and conflict is really scary, or perhaps something that you get sucked into, like if somebody's expressing their feelings and needs and stuff like that, regardless if how they're expressing it, if they're expressing it in a good way, using I statements, whatever, if you have a pattern of Feeling overwhelmed by somebody else's expression, right? Sometimes your pattern is to create rigid boundaries. Again, I have a episode all about boundaries, but sometimes your pattern is to create really rigid boundaries. And so the moment that you start to feel that somebody is expressing and wants you your connection, wants your attention, wants your care, you start to shut down, you actually start to pull away, perhaps because you've experienced that. It's too overwhelming to handle some of these emotions, and the only strategy that you can do is actually to disengage. So it's a protection mechanism, right? It's a safety mechanism. That doesn't mean that we're enabling that just because it's your protection method mechanism, just because it's something that you perhaps learn to do as a child, does not mean that it is wise to continue to choose that kind of strategy for getting your needs met, right? So let's talk about what you can actually do to shift this. Take a little Oh, I had my had my water bottle top off, and I tried to unscrew it. So for stonewalling, if this is something that you notice, that you do within yourself, I think for this one, it truly, truly is so much more about that self practice, there's a little bit that you can do, you know in connection to the other person, such as making, you know, making an endums to the way that you get your needs met. Like, if your tendency is to get overwhelmed or to start to disengage, whatever it looks like, and either leave, like physically leave or emotionally withdraw. Can you develop a practice with your partner or partners, of actually naming that you're feeling overwhelmed and that you need a moment, right or that, hey, I'm getting to my capacity of listening right now. Now, okay, what do I need to have capacity, right? Do I need time to breathe with myself? Do I need to take a walk? So the important key with this more important than anything, if you know that this is your pattern, never leave, never like disengage from a situation without creating some kind of agreement or understanding of when you are coming back. That's gonna be the hardest freaking thing, because it is so easy. If this is your tendency to want to disengage and just indefinitely, that creates such ambiguity, like uncertainty, all sorts of stuff in the relationship that's gonna leave your partner feeling super unsafe and super unsure of what comes next. So being able to say, I'm getting to my capacity, or I'm getting really overwhelmed, or I need some time to process what has just transpired. I'm gonna go take care of myself. I'm gonna go take that time. I will be back in five minutes. I will be back in 10 minutes, right? I will, I will be, I will reconnect with you in three hours, and we will finish this conversation
that alone
is going to shift what's possible for you, because then you don't get to just simply disengage and let that be the end. Right? If your strategy is to disengage, to Stonewall, to pull back, to go cold, right? Can you then turn your focus inward? Instead of remaining in this kind of stone walled place where you don't let anyone in to your experience, can you turn your focus inward and give just what's needed to create awareness for the people that love you, what's really going on? Hey, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm going to need a bit of time. Here's how long I think I need. Let's check back in at this time, and we can go from there. I'm going to do my best during that time, to show up for myself, to self resource, to get really curious why I'm feeling overwhelmed, what's going on within me, to process what I just heard, or to process what's going on. And I really care about our relationship. I really care about our communication. I'm doing my very best, and I'm learning to choose something new, even though that this is the only strategy that I know that brings so much more compassion and so much understanding, especially for a more like, anxious partner that doesn't get the whole idea of like disconnecting right, like that could be super in, you know, super, like Rocking the Boat kind of thing for somebody that doesn't really get that, or doesn't have that as really a strategy. So being able to express that, being able to let people know what's really going on, and give them really clear ideas of what to expect from you, right? And so you'll get clear on what those things are, and you'll actually be able to know a little bit better over time when you go in this journey of connecting with yourself and really noticing what's going on within you. So the thing to pay attention to within yourself is noticing where are the places where you abandon yourself. Where are the places where you disconnect from you, when things start to feel uncomfortable, because this energy or this action or this pattern of leaving disengaging from another usually means that you're disengaging from yourself. It usually means that you have a habit of disengaging from you when things start to feel uncomfortable. It also can be a connection to being abandoned in the past as a child. So it's, it's so layered and it's so sensitive, and it's so, you know, you can get so curious about how you can meet yourself in those places. If you were abandoned, you know, I will never abandon you. Or if you felt trapped, that can be another thing, right, like, if you try felt trapped by a parent or a caretaker, or in some kind of experience where you feel like you didn't know how to get out, right? Can you meet yourself in that place, right? Can you meet yourself with such care and hold yourself in that fear? Say, Hey, I'm here. I will always be here. I will always be here. There's always a way through I will always be here. There's always a way through, right? Because there's that little inner peace that either feels abandoned or trapped or whatever it is that is screaming to try and get those needs met so much. And so when you start to show up for them, you start to show up for yourself and make those kind of commitments, then you can really practice being with yourself through uncomfortable things, being with yourself through uncomfortable emotions, practicing leaning in, staying present, staying with the challenge. And that's gonna help you develop tolerance for being with the challenging emotions of another person, for not taking it personally, for learning that there are other strategies to self regulate and to connect with yourself and to get your needs met, even while remaining in connection with another human being. So this is the end of the horsemen. Is the end of the Four Horsemen. And just as a reminder, we have criticism, and so we really want to find a way to if you're noticing criticism, ask for a time to talk and focus on how it impacts you. Focus on behaviors and actions, not on their character. Defensiveness. Remember, don't take it personally, and practice listening from that place of the observer number three, contempt, Shifting Paradigms, the old ball and chain to sovereign, connected, full Fuck yes relationships and learning a healthy expression of sacrifice through devotion and Through creative expression of how you really feel. Number four, stonewalling, refocus on your relationship with yourself, on where you abandon yourself, where you feel overwhelmed, reconnect and make a practice of connecting to yourself as a means to recenter in challenging and uncomfortable moments and make a habit of communicating with the people that you love, but sometimes you need a little bit more time, and this is what they can expect from you. Learn what it is for yourself and communicate it with them. So those are the four horsemen that we're going to be putting back into the stables in 2025 I'm so excited for you to create relationships that really are rehabilitating these horses, that are giving them opportunities to show that. I mean, just like you see those animals that like come in from bad homes or bad environments and are given good water, good food, regular care, regular brushing. We can do the same thing with these patterns, and we can put them back in the stables, rehabilitate them into our allies, into things that we then get to notice. Oh, this is coming up, okay. This is my strategy for myself. This is my strategy with my partner, or partners, or it might be different for each partner. The strategies right, like what works with one person might be different with another. And then you get to really, really put these horses back in those tables, really know that you have a clear path towards communication. You have a clear way forward towards creating those healthy relationships, totally from the sovereignty of your heart, totally FROM THE FUCK YES of you, and being able to live out the relationships that are so connected, so good, so loving, which are so closer than you think. Sometimes they are right there under our noses with the person we never expected, or the person that sleeps next to us every single night, they are right there, and these horses are getting in the way of us realizing that. So let's put those horses back in this table. If there's any habit that you can change for the health of yourself and your relationships in 2025 please do this. Focus on shifting even one of these and it will do wonders for your relationships and your life. So thank you so much. Thank you so much for this episode. Thank you for a great year of podcast. And I'm just so excited to to keep going and keep doing this powerful work. And Yeah, happy holidays and New Year, and I will see you in in 2025 Thank you. Bye.
