Welcome to the universe is your therapist. We are your hosts, Dr. Amy Hoyt and Lena Hoyt. We are sisters. Take a seat and let's dive into this week's episode.
Join us on March 15, as the mending trauma team brings you a masterclass on understanding your trauma response. We are going to help you master three steps that are science based to minimize your subconscious trauma responses, because those are what are actually holding you back from reaching your true potential. We all have trauma responses that sabotage us accidentally, and we want to help you change this. So join us on March 15, at five o'clock Pacific or we're so excited to register kami backs she was a high conflict divorce attorney for years and from that experience decided there was a deep need to have conscious parenting in order to help families deal with the situations that end up in high conflict divorces. So she is a conscious parenting coach. She specializes in being trauma informed in boundaries and and helping parents regularly in order to have a more peaceful and calm home environment. We're excited to have Rachel here today. Hi, welcome back to another episode where we are super excited to have another guest this week, we are excited to welcome Rachel Duffy as our guest, and she is a conscious parenting coach. Welcome, Rachel.
Thank you, Amy. Thank you for having me. Absolutely.
So first of all, how did you get into this being a conscious parenting coach? And what is a conscious parenting coach?
Great question. I began my career as a divorce attorney. And I think what attracted me to that was the parent child relationship. And I wanted to help families from that perspective, that time that transition where the family moves from one form, let's say to another form, and I really what motivated me to begin with to get into family law was helping kids and helping families, I think the parent child dynamic, always attracted me. So I spent about a decade in litigation and mediation and specializing in high conflict resolution. And what I realized was, I lacked the tools that felt good to me or I lacked the tools to really help families because unbeknownst to me at the time, what I was seeing what I was observing was how trauma shows up in a marriage, how trauma shows up in parenting. And I just didn't know to identify that I didn't know what that meant. So I felt I felt my hands were tied to some degree and it didn't feel good. So I stepped back, I stepped away from it. And I you know, kind of focused on business for some time because I, I own I'm a business person at heart. And when I became a mother myself, I had three children in the span of 13 months. And that brought me to my knees very quickly. So despite the fact that I was such a, you know, a high achiever and a high performer and I had a lot of extensive experience. I was super organized, I had a lot of skills that I thought would translate beautifully into parenthood. And lo and behold, they didn't at all. On the contrary, it felt to me like my life experience was completely irrelevant to the job of being a mother and raising another human. And I came across I stumbled upon Dr. Shefali. One day, just flipping channels on TV and Oprah came on. And she was being interviewed by Oprah and she said something that really I felt it deep in my gut. And what she said, I'm paraphrasing, but what she said was, before you raise a child, you have to have raised yourself. There was something about that, that struck a chord with me. So I started following her I started following her work, I read her books, I got in touch with her, I became one of her students. And ultimately she became my mentor. And she certified me as a conscious parenting coach when she opened her Institute, some years down the line. And I would say that conduit if I have to explain or kind of give context to what conscious parenting means it is becoming raising our awareness to how Our parenting is a vehicle for our own self growth, self reflection, different from any other relationship or scenario in our lives parenting, we can't leave, we can't divorce our children, we can't walk away and find a different family. This is a relationship that we're in, like it or not. And it brings up so much of our stuff, that we either look at it, move through it grow along with our children, or we don't. And then we experience it as really difficult and triggering. So to me, that was super fascinating and very empowering. And I, you know, decided that what I really wanted to do, the way I want to help parents, and children, is by helping the parents raise their awareness so that they can empower themselves, work on their own stuff, traumas, whatever it is that needs is calling to be healed in them in order to ultimately create a better parent child relationship. Because, really, that's what all parents want.
Yeah, absolutely. Oh, that's wonderful. I love your background and how you came to this work. And you must have seen so much pain through all of that conflict, and, you know, generational trauma that shows up in these high conflict situations. And I love that you sought after, and were mentored by someone that really introduced you to this concept. Thank you for sharing that. One of the things I was wondering when you were talking, of course, I'm a parent, I have five children. And do you have twins as well?
Yes, I have. And I have a daughter who's 13 months younger?
Okay, yes. Okay, so we have twins as well. And I, it resonates so much all that you're saying that, you know, I, I really thought having a PhD would sound so ludicrous to say now. But I thought having a PhD would somehow translate into me being really good at mothering. And I was just a crap show. I mean, I was so overwhelmed. And now understand dysregulated the whole time that I didn't understand how to navigate, and it was really, really tricky. You know, our oldest is now 19. So we've done a lot of parenting courses, we've done nurtured heart and all sorts of different parenting courses. And we've learned, but Oh, my goodness, what a wonderful service you're offering to parents, because I think it is, like you said, one of the most absolutely important aspects of the of our lives, those of us who have brought children into our lives. I'd love to know, some examples. If I let's say I come to you. And I mean, this is a true scenario. Let's pretend hypothetically, that Kevin and I are dealing with a teenager who, you know, wants to gain independence, but isn't really toeing the line necessarily nothing terrible, just, you know, pushing back? How, what how do you help parents in these situations as they're navigating these tricky situations with children at different stages?
That's a great question. And you know, there's always two things we need to look at. So first, when it comes to our children's behavior, and as you know, children push back from the minute they're born, right from age zero all the way to age 100. Children are pushing back and they do it in different ways, depending on you know, their age and stage of development. The teenage pushback, is loaded, very charged, because there's a lot going on for them, right. So we have to as parents, we have to understand what is going on for them, we have to remember, there is a lot happening for them physically, right hormones are going all over the place bodies are changing all the time. So there's a lot of disruption happening in their bodies that we have to have compassion for right and understanding. At the same time, they taste independence, they can kind of see it, but they're not quite ready right there in that in between stage between child and adult. So that's tricky to navigate that they think they can do it but they can't so we have to put in some guardrails to kind of safekeep but we also do need to let go the rope a little bit which is very hard to do right. On top of that, Depending on how you know how the dynamic between parents and kids had been going on before that there is a lot of suppressed anger that starts coming out in these teenage years. anger and resentment and frustration that our children didn't express when they were younger, because a variety of reasons, maybe they weren't allowed to, they didn't know how they got punished when they did, who knows, right? We have to unpack that a little bit. So there is all of this happening with our child that we have to start digging into uncovering and understanding. Then there's us what occurs within me when my child slams the door in my face, when my child walks in from school, dumps the backpack, in the hallway, throws their shoes somewhere, and slams the door and refuses to get off their phone, right? Something is occurring, that stirs something up in me too. And that is my opportunity as a parent to look inward. And ask myself, okay, what is? Can I separate between these two things? What happens within me because I'm a person too, and what is happening for my child, because when I cannot separate and often this is the this is where we get into trouble, we don't separate. And then we respond to our children from our place of hurt. As opposed to taking accountability or taking ownership of our own hurts, and helping ourselves dealing with that within ourselves. So that we can truly see our children for who they are and what they need in that moment. Maybe my child doesn't need a boundary in that moment, maybe they do need to talk about something, maybe maybe all they need is some time to decompress. I don't know, there's a lot of stuff they might be needing, and not knowing how to express in a way that's healthy or appropriate or whatnot. But I can't even get there to ask those questions. If I have not gotten clear with myself on what I'm feeling and taken care of that first. Does that make sense?
100%? Yeah, well, I've you know, the more I've studied polyvagal theory and neuroception and CO regulation, and understanding the nervous system and how when my nervous system is calm, I am able to co regulate with my children. Yeah, and when my nervous system is dysregulated they feel that without me, I mean, I can be dysregulated and keeping it to myself, because I know okay, I'm not Yeah, I'm not yelling anymore. Done. That doesn't work. And I don't want to be that parent. I'm sure as heck not hitting. That's how I was raised. But they can still tell when I am seething inside, and I'm trying to calm myself down, right?
nervous systems are contagious. Yep. And it goes both ways, right. And I always like to give the example of, you know, if you if you are when you're a mom, a new mom, and there's, you know, your baby is crying. And most moms would pick up the baby, right? Just trying to figure out what's going on with the baby. But if you hold that baby, and it calms down right away, how does that feel for you? You also calm down, you also become soothed. Because the baby was soothed. You picked up the baby and sued the baby, the baby was Sue if that suits you. Yeah. On the flip side, if you picked up the baby and tried to soothe it, and it didn't suit, it got more, you know, anxious and crying that would start dis regulating you too. So absolutely. This is just a teeny tiny example of how we are constantly, you know, infecting for lack of a better word. Yeah, it's one another with our nervous system states. And this happens subconsciously, it happens without us wanting it or intending for it. It just happens much in the same way that breathing happens and heart happen.
Absolutely. The other scenario I keep thinking about is, you know, I'm not in this stage anymore. And but I know so many women and I felt this when we had young kids and toddlers, who are completely overwhelmed by that stage, and so I would love for you to talk a little bit to those mothers and and what they and fathers I mean, I mean, thank goodness, we have so many more fathers who are involved in parenting. What can you tell them to help them when they're feeling so over? bound by that really young, needy stage.
First of all, it is a very needy stage. It's physically needy, it's needy in different ways, right throughout our Child Child, throughout a childhood. Children do need us, and they depend on us, but how they need us changes over time. So in those very young years, it's very physical, we have to help them eat, and go to the bathroom and walk and get dressed and do every little thing. And as they grow and gain independence, we have to still help them as much. But it's different, right? It's a little more complex, it's social nuances and problems and emotional stuff. So it is, in fact, very, very, it is overwhelming in those years. So first of all, I think we have to have compassion for ourselves, if that's where we're at with our children. It's a tough stage, it's demanding on you physically, maybe you're not getting sleep, right. And in those early years, when my children were coming into my bedroom in the middle of the night, and I would be lying awake at 3am, and I couldn't get back to sleep. Is it a wonder that the next day I'm a bit of a wreck? No, it's not, it's no wonder. So we have to have some grace and compassion towards ourselves for the fact that it is hard. And we don't have the time and and we don't prioritize our own self care. So yeah, it is hard. So we have to understand that fact. With regards to the children, though, it goes back to what we were talking about earlier. What is it about a three year old that melts down? Or a three year old that refuses to eat vegetables? What is it about that? That stirs something up? In Me? That is an opportunity for us to become more aware of this situation that is completely out of my control? And it is, how do I sit with that? How does? How does that dysregulate me? So, you know, I think at every age and stage of development of our children there are they offer us opportunities to look within ourselves and know ourselves better, and become better friends, better allies internally, so that we can also show up as better parents for the actual physical children that we do have.
Yeah, absolutely. I love that. I know that. Gosh, if I had had a real resource like this, when I was first starting out, it would have I mean, I remember calling all of my mom friends who were you know, maybe 510 years ahead of me. And just, you know, what do I do, I even I remember even calling my sister at one point. And I think I've spoken about this before on the podcast. With our first he had colic, and I, I was out of my mind. And I said, I'm feeling like I want to hurt him. And she said, Go put him in the crib. He's not going to get hurt in his crib, shut the door. And I want you to go in your office and shut your door. And I want you to relax and breathe and then call your husband called Kevin. And so that was so helpful. Because, you know, I don't know if you bumped into this with any of your clients. But I didn't realize I had permission to leave my baby in the crib, and then walk away knowing that they would be safe. If it got to that point.
Yeah, you know, it's really interesting that you bring this up, because so in my way, I have a group of parents that I work with, and they have kids between three and 11. And one of the things we do in this group every week is we have in our we have a portal where we kind of communicate throughout the week. One of the threads in that portal is called Winning Wednesday. And another one of those threads is called Tiny promise because I asked parents to kind of share with the group on in the winning Wednesday. What is one thing that you did this week that you're proud of one win that you can acknowledge for yourself? And the tiny promise is what is one little thing that you can do for you not to benefit the kids not to benefit your spouse not to benefit anyone, just between you and yourself something for you? And I had this mom say to me, you know, I don't know why we're doing this like I don't have time. I don't have time for this tiny promise thing. It's like one more thing to do or the winning Wednesday and I stopped her and I was like listen, post seeing in the group, that's a tool use it or don't use it, it doesn't matter. But I want to kind of flip it back on you to ask, why is it that you are thinking that you don't have time? To make a small little promise to yourself that you don't have the permission to take a break? That you can't look at what isn't working? Because is Is it true that everything is a disaster? It's not true from the vast majority of us. So your story reminds me of the fact that as I think mothers more than fathers, but I'll say all parents, we sometimes forget that we don't need permission. In fact, we don't need permission to take care of ourselves. And when we give ourselves that permission, that may that helps us be better parents to our children, we think we've been conditioned, this is like a very common conditioning that we have that go go go go and just, I'm just gonna power through it. That was my MO, doesn't matter what is happening in my body, like I could literally be on fire, but I will power through it. Because I'm reliable. I'm responsible, I get things done. That was my trauma response.
Yeah, exactly. I was just gonna say, Yeah, we know that's a trauma response. Absolutely.
Right. But then to be, because that was my conditioning. And that was my trauma response. It never occurred to me that I should or could take that break, put my baby in the crib, and just give myself what I needed.
Yeah, yeah. Tell me, do you coach children with the parents? Or what does that look like on the ground?
It depends how old the children are. So I'm not a psychologist, so I don't coach young children. And I certainly don't coach them on their own. I do, however, have, in my private practice, I have parents of teens, where we work together. So not not too different from couples therapy, or from couples mediation that I used to do, it's it's similar in that sense, because when you're talking with a 16 1718 year old, that's obviously a totally different conversation than what you'd be having with a seven year old.
Absolutely. I've done couples therapy with one of my teenagers. And it's been remarkable, neither of us want to go head to head, it just makes us feel really yucky. And so about once a quarter, we need someone with a fresh perspective to give us some tools to help figure this out, whatever that issue is. And there's a lot of resistance with my teen with that. He doesn't, he doesn't want to go to therapy with his mom, who does who wants to do anything with their mom when they're a teenager, right? I don't know. But I'm telling you, it has really shortened the span of conflict in our relationship. And it's been remarkable. So that's a great service that you're offering. I'm really excited to have that as a tool.
And you know what, I do the same too, by the way. So I have coaches that coach me too, because the thing is, no matter how much of an I just talked about this, on my own podcast this week, no matter how much of an expert you can be, you don't see your own blind spots. You just don't. And that's normal. I need coaches to point out my blind spots to me, and I love how you said, you know, we just sometimes need a fresh outside perspective, because you're right, you're in the weeds of it.
We need someone who's coming at it from an aerial view and saying, Oh, this looks like a power struggle. Or Mom, this looks like some ego stuff going on. Like what what's you know what's going on here? Yeah, and the other piece, kind of going along with your observation that we all have blind spots. I really feel so passionate about being transparent that the reason I do this work is because I was you know, 10 steps behind where a lot of the people I'm helping were, that's where I was, I want to do the work. I want to live what I'm preaching. And so I appreciate that you're willing to be transparent about that too, because it makes us better parents
100%. And I share with me in my group, like in our winning Wednesday, or in our tiny promise, I share from my own perspective of what is genuinely what genuinely I'm going through all the time. And I share examples of this is what happened to me last night with my 10 year old and this is this is how it went down and these are the steps I took and this is what I wish I had done or this is what I could do better next time. Whatever the case may be. I'm constantly sharing with them. As another parent, right? I'm not, I always say this to parent, I'm not the parenting expert, actually you are, you're in for your own child, how could I ever know what's right for your child better than you do? Because we all know this, right? We know we feel we sense our children, we know them inside and out. So you know where I come in, is just to help you. Ask yourself better questions that you may not be asking yourself, so that you can arrive at different conclusions so that you can see things a little bit differently. And then you already know what you need to do once you've shifted perspective, you already know what to do you don't need me to tell you what to do with your kid.
Absolutely. I love that and empowering people to progress, really. And that gives them more choices. And it also helps them trust themselves, which we know again, after trauma can be really difficult. Yeah, yeah,
yes, because we have been at least from for me, my personal experience is that I didn't trust myself, I doubted myself all the time. And I had to cross all the t's and dot all the I's just to make sure I was guaranteeing my place in the family or the love of my parents. And not because my parents were bad or mean or intended for anything. But that's that's how all of us have been conditioned to vary. Absolutely.
I want to that reminds me of something I think about quite a bit. And that is this idea of perfectionism in parenting. And that's what you're hitting on, is this idea if we do it, all right, and we do it all perfect, and we give them the perfect birthday party and get them into every sport. And that somehow, that's going to either guarantee that they're happy or successful, or perhaps and this is what I think about a lot isn't more about a subconscious worry about what other people think of us as a parent, that we're letting you know, our child be a reflection of us to a point that is really unhealthy. And I'm wondering how you deal with that in your coaching practice.
First of all, you hit on a very, very deep core issue, which doesn't surprise me. And here's the thing, so let's debunk a few myths. Okay? Do not raise happy, successful children. Happy is a feeling, okay, you can't be if you can't have only one feeling. And, yes, the deepest parts of our identity are wrapped up in our performance as parents and that sets us up for for big trouble. It sets our children up for big trouble too, because they don't want to disappoint us. They know how important it is to us, that we be good parents to them. So this is a very, very dangerous dynamic that we often fall into without even realizing it. Because again, it's not that we set out with this intention to screw anybody up. But this is how it happens. Because we are these, this conditioning is echoed in our culture, certainly Western culture. It's echoed in our education system, it's echoed in our in how we understand money, it's echoed in our entire society, no matter the difference, the slight differences between how all of us have been raised, generally speaking, Western society and Western culture mimic this exact same conditioning that most of us have in our own families, too. So we have to become, again back to being what why should we become conscious? So we can make a different choice if we want? Yes, right. So first, let's become aware of how much of our ego our own performance hinges upon the outcome of our children and let's work on, you know, unhooking them from needing to fill our trophy bucket. Then when it comes to when it comes to our own children. You know, I question I question this kind of idea that we shouldn't be raising successful children or are any kind of children, right? They are who they are. I don't do that. I say this to my group all the time. I'm not doing this work so that my child doesn't end up on the therapist couch one day. I don't know what's going to happen to them. I don't know what's ahead on their journey. In all likelihood, they will end up on the therapist.
There's seven I say more half of them already are.
And there's nothing wrong with that right? That's not a bad thing I mean, honestly, the therapists couches that I've been on have been some of the best places in my own life to get to know myself better. So why would I rob my children of that they have their own journey to walk through, they have their own pain to grapple with. Pain is part of life. Suffering doesn't have to be part of life. But emotional pain is part of life. It's part of the spectrum of emotions that human beings have. It's part of being having a human experience. Why would I try to take that away from my child? On the contrary? Wouldn't it be more empowering, wouldn't it? Wouldn't I be building their resilience? If I showed them that it's okay to have pain, that it's okay to struggle sometimes it's okay to be sad. It's okay to be angry, right? These aren't feelings or situations to avoid, rather opportunities to be more connected within yourself, to understand yourself to know yourself to help yourself.
100% I love that. Yeah, I think that, you know, I went before we had kids, I used to look at kids running around the grocery store in their Batman costume or their and I would think, Oh, my goodness, I would never do that. Oh, please fast forward a few years. I mean, I'd be lucky if my kids had shoes on half the time when we were running around. It's just but there was a process of unhooking, as you say, unhooking my ego from their performance, and understanding through a process or concept of attunement, that I learned from my therapist, when I was a young mother of becoming attuned to what the child needs, they're in that moment, and what their desires are, not what my desires are. And it changed my life. I've recently just I found her. I think she's retired and I emailed her and I told her, you know, when I had one baby, and you taught me this concept, it completely changed everything about parenting. And now I have five babies that are all getting grown. And it's anchored me. And so I love that you're talking about unhooking, because that's what we have to do is separate.
Yeah, it is. Because it's, you know, when you were talking about this, just now, the word that came up in my mind, was it liberated, you liberated you? Because that bind is a prison? It's a prison. You can't control
other people's know, it doesn't matter how small or short they are, you cannot control them. Yeah, they're gonna do it. They're gonna do Yeah, yeah, you're right. It did it liberated me. And I'm so forever grateful to that therapist. So I love the work you're doing and that you're teaching families, the gift that you've been taught, of being conscious and, and really learning to navigate the hardships and get curious about them instead of trying to avoid them. Right, pretend they're not there.
And I think, to me, anyway, it is empowering to have choice to not be destined to repeat patterns to not be destined to, you know, we sometimes hear these phrases like family curse, or, you know, in my family, this is how we do things. Okay. But does it have to be? Can there be another way? What if there is another way? What if there's a way that's better for you? Right? Yeah, we all have traditions or things that are done a certain way, in our families, in our cultures, in our religions, whatever it is. And we can also choose to do things differently, or not, we can, we can choose to continue what has been passed down from one generation to the next. I say that's a legitimate choice. But I would just love for it to be a choice rather than an autopilot repeat
Yes. And unconscious behavior that just keeps getting passed down. Absolutely. Well, I want to thank you so much for being here today. Where can our audience find you Where where are you at? Give us all your information and handles and all that good stuff.
Awesome. So two places to find me one is on Instagram at Rachel Duffy here. And the other is on my podcast, which is called the unscrew your podcast. Anywhere you listen to podcasts so you can reach out to me through one of those channels. Or email me Rachel at Rachel Duffy here.com. And I would love to say hello and let me know you listen to the episode.
Wonderful. Thank you so much, Rachel. It is lovely to see you as usual.
Thank you same Amy. I'm so great. Before for our connection,
I am to have a great day and we will talk to you soon. Thank you for listening to the universe's your therapist this week. If you have any questions or looking for more information, you can find us at mending trauma on Instagram, as well as mending trauma.com Our website and if you're enjoying our content, we'd love it if you could rate review and subscribe to the show. We'll see you all next week.
