Pride Week! Day 1: Love and Arrows with Meaghan-Ray and Jake

8:38PM Jun 17, 2022

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We love celebrating love our pride festivities continue today as we release some of our favourite queer love stories from the past six months of Love Struck

today yet ready for the swoonworthy love story of Meghan-ray and jake all about archery, transition and learning more about who you are I'm in love with you I'm in love with you.

Hello there work wife. Hey Sarah. It is time for another of the 36 questions to love from the New York Times.

Yes. And we have been doing a question a week for the last however many weeks we just tried to get to know each other highly recommend this quiz for anybody who wants to get to know their partner. Yes,

their work partner, their life partner, the whatever part the squash partner, it doesn't matter, whoever. Now we're adapting this one. Okay, the original question is take four minutes. Tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible while we are adding an element of challenge. Okay, my timer ready. Okay, we are going to do this in 30 seconds or less your life story.

Oh my god. All right. Are you ready? Yeah. Tell me when does go on your marks,

get set? Go.

I was born in New Jersey. We moved around a tonne because my mom's job. So I lived all up and down the East Coast. I had been to like 13 schools by the time I graduated high school, went to college and Boston published my first book when I was 26. went to law school, wrote all through law school, kept publishing books, became a lawyer hated it. Stop working at a firm kept publishing more books. And now I'm doing a podcast with you. Oh, it was that? Perfect. That was a very like profession heavy life.

Alright, it's gonna be hard. All right, let me reset my timer. Okay. I was born in Pittsburgh. I never moved. I lived in the same house until I left for college. I did study abroad in high school in Spain when I was 15. Went to college in South Carolina, where I was the only Yankee for three years. I met my husband in high school. We moved in together when he went to law school and I went to grad school. I did not get my graduate degree because I didn't want to be in academia. I got a job as an administrative assistant started a website about romance novels started a podcast wrote three books for three, I think three and now I'm doing a podcast with you. I jumped forward and back in time a little bit, but I'm very impressed with myself. That was very good. Yeah,

that was pretty good. That's pretty good for off the cuff. 30 seconds of your life. Yeah.

Speaking of life stories,

we love learning about each other's life stories. And as we've said before, we absolutely love getting emails from listeners about your life story. When we receive the story from Megan Ray, it was absolutely no exception. Today, Megan Ray and their partner Jake are coming onto the show to tell their incredible love story. One that started off between two people who thought they were women, and ended up evolving as Jake transitioned realising his identity as a man and Megan re discovered that they are non binary. Instead of growing apart, Jake and Megan re found a way to strengthen their relationship which is now stronger than ever before. Please welcome Megan rangy.

welcome Megan Ray and shake. I'm so pleased to have you here. Thank you for emailing us.

Hello. Hello.

So let's start at the beginning. Walk me through your relationship. It is a very windy, windy road. And I would wish to hear all of the stops. Tell me everything. Well,

we met through archery. That was when we were both identifying or identified as female. We both already knew we were gay. We were living across the country from each other. But we met up and kind of met each other through these national events, where everyone got together and competed in the same place in the summer outdoors. And so my mum had seen Jake from behind the shooting line as a spectator and been like, ooh, that's an interesting look. In the person looks good. Yeah.

So your mom has good gaydar.

My mom has a way better gaydar than I do. Yes. So she encouraged me to talk to Jake and the tournament was in our neck of the woods. So invite him over to our host for dinner because he had he knew no one. And he was like, I don't know you either. This is super awkward. So nothing came of it. And then a week later, we had another tournament and it was enough to trigger him to think about me in the weekend between and he was helping organise the next tournament so he organised it so that we would be shooting on the same target together. During the next tournament,

well played excellent.

I didn't know this until months later,

multiple classic like romance tropes at play here like the meddling Ma. Vinay going, Well done, well done.

So can we just move these people around a little bit? So you can have these people over here? And we'll see why not playing it very, very cool. And worked out.

Yeah. Well, Alicia, if you turn this into a book, I have a title for you. The title, only the arrows are straight. Oh. So good.

So we don't need to record any more. Right. Like we're

No, we're good. Thanks very much for coming by. We really appreciate it. No, I think we're done. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks very much, I guess. Right. Excellent title. I don't title things. Well, that's my one title of my life, by the way that I'm done from now. Yeah.

How about not a straight shooter?

That's a sequel. Oh, my gosh, it's like all series now. It's all series of books.

Yeah.

Okay. So Jake arranges things. So you're shooting at the same time, then what happened?

So, Jake had a girlfriend at the time, at the beginning of having a crush on someone as a gay person. Step one is figuring out if the other person's gay self declaring self declaring, right, either asking or collecting clues or finding out from someone else, or they tell you upfront, but even though the information was that he had a girlfriend, that was exciting news for me, that was that was a positive, because the alternative was the he was straight. So that was good. Then I had to figure out how to become best friends with this person so that I could then be more important to him than his girlfriend, which happened over the course of the summer. And he proceeded to break up with that girlfriend, which was already you know, in the works, when we met anyway. And by the end of the summer, when we got to the final tournament of the season, we had pretty much decided we were a couple. We spent the week together, staying in the same room as in the hotel pretending not to be a couple while we were on the shooting line pretty much.

That was when my stepdad he comes into the room and he's like, Oh, just want to make sure you're all set up here. And there's like this very long pause as he looks at the two beds in the motel room. And one bed has got like all the suitcases and the bookcases and everything else set up and the other one doesn't

only one bed has been slept in clearly the other bed is covered and stuff.

Yeah, see you later at supper. You can just

if you're playing trope bingo at home folks, that's the one bed so then what happened?

From then on we were we were pretty much a couple. But Jake was still living in Alberta and I was living in Ontario

very far. It's pretty much one side to the other.

That's very far that's what a six hour plane ride or plane ride. Okay,

like three days driving three straight days of drive. Yeah. So it was not it was like a brochure long distance relationship to the point of like, we don't know when the next time is we're going to see each other. There wasn't really video calling at that point. That That wasn't a thing. MSN

Oh my heart. Yeah, we

were still using MSN Messenger. Oh, my

heart. Yeah, the nostalgia. We

had long MSN chats that were just left open all the time. And so I was in university, Jake was working slash trying to figure out what he wanted to do, and ended up applying to a programme in Toronto at a college two hours away. Yeah, only two hours away from where I was living stead of 36. Much better. So he got into that programme and moved there in January. And then we were set two hours apart for the next two and a half years until we were both done our programmes and saw each other every other weekend are so much better. And in the summers. We live together in the summers. So then,

according to your email, you finished your degrees and you moved in together. Is that right?

Yeah. I remember when we first I don't even think we moved into Halifax yet. But we were down looking at places we went to the mall for lunch or whatever. And there were women holding hands in the mall. And I'm like because it just wasn't happening. And even though we were in Toronto for those three years, which is pretty diverse. It just wasn't quite the same for some reason. Whereas we went to Halifax and it was so casually gay. That it was it was awesome. Have

you considered reaching out to the Halifax Chamber of Commerce? Were casually gay. Kashmir, right, I would visit there in a heartbeat. It

was so lovely living there that we decided that was definitely the place we wanted to get married. And gay marriage had been legalised in Canada, probably only four or five years prior. Right. And, and so it was a pretty big deal. I didn't initially want to get married because my parents aren't married. And I was I was raised as a feminist and like, not religious. And so there wasn't a reason to get married. And there was a lot of reasons not to get married. But then Jake presented it as, look, we're getting gay, married. And not specifically, but we in gay, we fought really hard to have the right to get married. So let's get married. And so we did. And we had the wedding of our dreams that was perfect for us. Oh, that was the super DIY on a beach outside Halifax, with only 22 people total. Oh, beautiful. It was lovely. So now you're married. And that's when another part of your story starts. Everyone think, Okay, we

got married. And that is our happily ever after? No, we've got a whole chapter here, people buckle in, it gets really interesting. Let's go.

So so then we move out to Alberta where de family is, because that's where the work was. So around that time we settled, we found jobs, we got settled down, we found a house, you know, that kind of thing. We felt a lot more secure.

You know what we should do next? Having having a baby.

We'll be right back after this short break.

That's what comes next. And we I didn't initially want to be pregnant. And we didn't think my body would do very well with that through like, okay, j can be the one to get pregnant. Because you know, we've got we've got the option. Thinking about that. Really, we're to Jake out in some interesting ways.

Yeah. So it took it took a long time to really figure out why took a couple years to figure out that, oh, maybe it's because I don't feel like I am. I don't I don't fit into that role, gender wise, I guess. So that's kind of where my gender questioning came in. And it was super scary and took a very long time. But at the end of it, I definitely did not carry the child, although there are some trans men that do carry babies, but I chatted about it with Megan Ray, and they decided that they would be the one to carry. And so

what was interesting was even before any of the gender questions came up, when we were discussing who would have who would carry the caveats, we're always if you can't get pregnant, for whatever reason, I will carry, I'll try I'll carry or if it becomes a gender issue, and you are no longer comfortable, you know, being the one to carry, then I'll then I would do it, and no gender issues had come up yet. But that was it's just something we were aware of being a possibility as part of the queer community. And so that's what ended up happening. So as we were working on figuring out how to get pregnant, Jake was going through transition and slowly presenting more masculine, identifying more masculine, and being identified as strangers as a man with the lower voice in the facial hair, which automatically made strangers put me in the female box than they had when we were to watch fish looking women, which was a really weird experience. That's a lot. Yeah. And then the other part of it was that I had to come out to my colleagues for Jake, like, I had to tell my colleagues at work, that I was now married to a man, and it was the same person I had been married to before.

Like, oh my god, you turned around so fast, you broke up with that chick, and now you're with the dude, like, what is wrong with you?

Just everyone was super confused. And the most common question I got was, after the whole Okay, so you're not getting divorced? Was? Does that make you straight up? Boy? There's so many problems with that question. And it took me so long to figure out where it was coming from and what it was based in and, and part of it is the assumption that being straight or gay is 100% thing. And that you are your sexuality is defined by the person you're with. And there's something that I was deaf that I was a sis woman, and that was actually the part that took me the most by surprise is having a big effect on me. So combine that with the trying to get pregnant and being in a lot of like fertility spaces and like mom language online, and it was a lot at once.

Oh, that's, that's a whole bucket agenda right there.

Yeah, so it triggered my gender questioning,

as well. This kid really mess both of us So really?

So I want to go back. Do you remember the moment? Or the moments when you realised, wait a minute, and you have changed your, your way of thinking about yourself? Was it as a moment? Or did it happen over time? No, I

wish that it had only been a moment or two moments, I was scared of being trans. So I fought it. I was like, Maybe I'm a butch lesbian, not a trans guy, because that would be a lot easier. I got to a point where I knew I wasn't female. But I wasn't sure if I was male. I don't think there was a point I always felt kind of behind the ball. I wasn't as openly casually gay as Megan Ray. Like, it took me so much longer to even come out to friends and co workers as gay in Halifax that was five years into our relationship already. And I was still very nervous about being gay. Which looking back on it now. I'm like, that seems so much less stressful than being trans. Like, who you love versus who you who you are. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, I think I got dragged kicking and screaming into being trans by myself. Yeah, so it's very, very painful, slow process for everyone around me who was on the journey with me? Yeah, of being like, come on it with it.

Now, for anyone who is listening, who isn't familiar with the process of transition, you're effectively volunteering to go through puberty. Again?

Yes. All over again. And it was a consideration because of Megan re getting pregnant and, like, okay, so you're gonna have wild mood swings. I'm gonna have wild mood swings. How do we get this to line up and it was actually, I was, I was worried about becoming a raging mad monster for a little while. Until, you know, speaking to therapists and doctors and stuff. They're like, if you're not a raging monster at the moment, you're not going to be a raging monster afterwards. So you're going to be okay. There were some moments of, of kind of adolescent insecurity type activity, but nothing too wild. Besides the inevitable staring into a mirror looking for signs of a moustache. I feel like that's pretty common for teenage boys and trans male,

just picture a 35 year old doing that instead. And the voice cracking was like, a huge source of entertainment for us and humour. There is a whole lot of frustration. Yeah. And fear around the whole process, that any little bit of humour that you can find, you really latched on to it make the most out of the like me to help his beard and like moustache come along, but like exfoliating his face, like, oh, it was

what are some ways in which you feel stronger in your relationship now than when you first met?

There's just an implicit understanding that, that it's us against the world, no matter what happens. Yeah, we've gone through so many different things. We've moved across the country multiple times together. Yeah, we've gone through gender transitions for both of us in in completely different ways, going through infertility struggles, and pregnancy and parenting, we've gone through a pandemic together now. So add that to the mix. It's always been us against the world. We're different people, but we work we know how to work together. And I think, though, that the strength of that understanding is so solid now. Yeah, that no matter what comes up, it's always okay, how, how are we going to support each other? It's never a question of whether the other person is going to support us on something.

Yeah. What about you, Jake, do you notice something that's strongest about your relationship? Now,

I think is just a comfort level of what Megan Ray was saying that we've been through a lot. So if anything comes up, even if we don't have experienced with it yet, I think we have a good foundation of okay, well, how do we tackle this? And how do we break it into something that we're familiar with? And maybe we're not familiar with this part, but let's let's tackle that.

Now. You are both located in a very loving and accepting relationship, you are operating in a place of great love and strength. And right now, there are many many trans people and trans children who are not in that place and are very scared. What message or advice would you have for them if you could say something?

One of the messages that is out there a lot in the queer and trans communities as it gets better. That's really important as a message to hold on to, but it doesn't tell you how to deal with it, when it's not better, and how to get to a place where it can be better for you. I think my message would be solid in knowing who you are internally, yeah, no matter what the outside world is telling you is or isn't okay. Try to be as aware as you can about where your areas of safety are, and where your areas of concern are. And, and whether those unsafe areas are really fundamentally unsafe, like you're gonna lose your housing, lose your job, versus whether it feels unsafe, because you're scared, really working to differentiate those things, I think is really super important in for the people that are really struggling.

Yeah, I think it can be very isolating to be going through any sort of gender questioning, no matter where you are in along that transition or discovery. Finding community is super important. Once you kind of find your way into those communities, you're like, oh, wow, this is actually who I am. And that community can provide you support.

Thank you so much for writing in to share this with us. I feel honoured that you've spoken with us today. And I'm very honoured that you are part of the community, for those who are younger than you who are going through this experience of this discovery, as you call it, Jake. And I'm so very happy for your happiness.

Thank you for talking with us. It's awesome.

Sarah, that was a lovely story. What is your love to go for today?

I love what Megan Ray said, find a little extra support for yourself. Your people are out there. And what Jake said that you can feel very alone when you are trying to figure out your identity. It's only a fundamental part of who you are, you know how to deal. Yeah, you know, it's something that happens first in the privacy of your own mind, which can be very tangley. If you are a person or you know and love a person who is trans or non binary, and you're looking for information and support and resources, Megan Ray has invited you to take a look at their blog, purple and green blog. That's all spelled out and there will be a link in the show notes purple and green blog has lots of information, support resources, and help for you to find your people. There are also many trans support organisations locally. So if you Google trans support in your local area, I'm certain there are groups that would welcome you and welcome helping you find more support as well.

And just a reminder about donations, every little bit helps. So if you can only give a little bit at a time. Sometimes they appreciate that more than one big gift. Megan Ray and Jake emailed us their story and we would love to hear your story. Please send an email to lovestruck daily at frolic dot media if you have a love story to share any questions or thoughts, please follow us on Instagram and Twitter for any extra content.

This has been the second story in our pride celebration. We come back later in the week for more of our favourite queer stories. Our researcher is Jesse Epstein. Our editor is Jen Jacobs. We are produced by Abigail steckler and little Scorpion studios with executive producer frolic media. This is an I Heart Radio Podcast. We wish you a very happily ever after. I'm in love with you I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you