But not only do they think that everything is about them, they also like to show everyone kind of the highlight reels of their life as if that is the way that they're living. And they really want people to just kind of look up to them and be really amazed at the life that they're reportedly living.
Do you know one of those people who always acts like they're the star of their own movie, or maybe you're one of those people, there's a new term for it called main character energy. Some people have too much, some people have too little. This is random acts of knowledge presented by Heartland Community College. I'm your host, Steve fast. Today we're talking about main character syndrome. years ago, it might have been called narcissism, or self absorption. And we all need a little bit of it, but sometimes it's too much. So we're talking with a mental health professional who says that even though you might spend a lot of time looking in the mirror, maybe you need to take a better look at yourself.
I'm Jessica Jackson, I work in the counseling department as one of the licensed professional counselors for Heartland.
Well, Jessica, recently, you were quoted in an article in vice, the media company, which has a website and a magazine and TV shows all that stuff. But they had an article called What to do when your friend has main character syndrome. And I wonder if you could talk a little bit about what that means main character syndrome, main character, energy, and how that relates to some of the work that you've been doing.
Main Character syndrome is really popular right now. So people might have heard or seen some things on tick tock about it. And so essentially, it main character syndrome is a person who thinks that everything is about them. And not only do they think that everything is about them, they also like to show everyone kind of the highlight reels of their life as if that is the way that they're living. And so they might be not the most authentic or the most honest in that representation of how they're living. But they really want people to just kind of look up and to them and be really amazed at the life that they're reportedly living and main character energy is kind of the complete opposite on a different spectrum. So it comes to me that term, because I've worked with some clients who have shared that they just don't feel like the main character in their lives that their life is supposed to be about them supporting everyone else, and it never gets to be about them. And so for me, when I first heard that from some clients, I was like, that is so sad, like we only have our one life and it shouldn't be about you some of the time like four to never be about you is, is sad. So wanting to help people develop more main character energy is really just about having that balance. So I think about the show, hey, Arnold. I don't know if anyone has watched hate Arnall. But Arnold is one of the characters and super amazing fun. And when there are episodes that are about other characters like Helga or Harold, their friends, it's all about them. It's not about Arnold. And that's kind of the way that we should be living. Everyone has their own space in their own agency to do the things that they want to do. And sometimes it's all about our friend, we're celebrating our friend. But then also, it's about finding the time the space to say, parents, I hear that you really want me to do this career for the rest of my life. You want me to do nursing, but I'm afraid of blood. And so as much as I want to make you happy, I'm afraid of blood. And that's not going to happen.
You talk a little bit about people that have a little bit too much of that main character, attitude and people that don't have enough. I wonder where social media kind of plays into this, because it seems like quite often on people's Instagram feeds or maybe even their tick tock or whatever they're doing, that gives them an opportunity to sort of become the star of their own show for whomever is watching. And that goes two ways. Some people can try to live up to that and make it look like their life is amazing. And everybody's watching their show. And another thing is you might watch and go, Oh, that person's life is amazing. My life isn't like that. I don't look that good in pictures, etc, no matter what filters anybody's using, how do you think that element of people's lives plays into this?
So I do think that we have to be careful with comparison in general. Some people will say Comparison is the thief of joy. And so we really don't know what's going on with anyone. Regardless if we follow them regularly. We don't know what their authentic life is. And if we find that following certain people is really limiting our joy and really evaluating if you want to continue following those kinds of accounts on social media, there is a question of, you know, is this generation more into themselves and other generations? And there's been some research on what generations are the most narcissistic some people say, Oh, Gen Z's are so into themselves or Millennials are so into themselves and the reality It is the finding from the research is that each generation has their own kind of level of narcissism and people that are very altruistic and like to give back. But really, it boils down to if a generation had something really serious happened, where they needed to come together, then those people tend to give back a little bit more. So I don't think it's a generational thing. Yes, social media plays a role, but I don't think it plays the role that we think it does. I think it's just more visible to us now, versus people that are maybe Boomer generations that were really into themselves, we didn't see them, creating a social media page, pretending like the world was really great. But maybe that's that person who's always bragging or boasting about things that maybe happened, or maybe didn't happen, you know, what I was the track star on the football, what maybe they really weren't, maybe they are the water person. So I don't think it's necessarily a generational thing. And I think that part of what happens when we try to compare is we're spending a lot of time and focusing on what makes us different from other people and Senate thinking about some of the cools, things that kind of unite us that are similar.
So do you think that when people have this main character syndrome, and are engaging in ways where they kind of want to think of themselves as the center of attention, maybe use their friends as props and do that? Do they know they're doing that? Or is that something that is more unaware and unconscious people not really being as they would say, emotionally intelligent, and reading the room and understanding that they are kind of thinking more inwardly than being concerned with their friends or their relatives or who it might be?
It varies. So like many things, it's on a spectrum, you have some people who maybe feel like maybe they're bothering other people. And then you've got people who just it's not on their radar at all, maybe they are narcissistic. And so it just doesn't really occur to them how it feels or how their mistreatment is impacting people. So if we have a loved one that is engaging in these behaviors, and trying to drag this in, and we're not comfortable, I really encourage people to have those conversations, to pull that person aside, not to have the conversations with everyone else, and then pull that person and say, we've all talked and there's a problem with your behavior. So you're gonna pull aside your loved one, and say, you know, I really care about this relationship, these are the things that I'm experiencing. So using AI phrases, I've noticed this, I feel this way, and then seeing how that person reacts and responds, and so for everyone, immediately, might be really new information for them, they might, you know, deny, they might make up some excuses, but then just see what that behavior looks over time when they've had some time to process what you've shared. And if a person is caring, and they're self aware, and their relationship is important to them, then they'll adjust. But if you don't see an adjustment, then you want to evaluate for yourself, is that a relationship you want to continue to pour into?
When people are exhibiting kind of these, what we would see is more of the negative aspects of main character syndrome, doing some of the things we talked about isn't necessarily coming from a place where could they be overdoing it because something else is going on. And that's a way to deflect or to make them not have to deal with a problem or a tough patch or something that they have that's making them insecure or unhappy?
I definitely think so. So even if someone is a narcissist at the core of that is, is the loneliness and a desire for connection. So sometimes people who pretend like they feel like they're just amazing, have some of the largest insecurities. But it's not always for us to try to repair or counsel our friends or something. I think it's about having really healthy boundaries, and knowing that we cannot change other people. And even that conversation about main character syndrome, I'm finding that a lot of people want to talk about other people's problematic behaviors. And they're not wanting to focus in on their own behaviors that they have control in the agency to change. And so like this desire to maybe focus outwardly is a trend. And so I just encourage people to have grace with people but to an extent, and then to also reach out to a professional if they need a little bit of guidance about how to handle a situation. Because sometimes it is someone that's very close to us, and maybe it's not an easy relationship to summer.
You know, we've all just gone through more than a year of this COVID stuff. And I think it's changed the way that a lot of us interact with the rest of the world whether it be our friends or family or co workers or classmates, any of that. And I wonder if that is maybe contributing to one of the other things you talked about with the people not having the main character energy? You know, I think it's easy to get into a situation where you sort of feel marginalized when you have been literally physically marginalized. In many cases, people are not able to go out and do things to the same extent, loss of social connections. So what are some of the things that you would suggest people do to assess whether or not they need to have a more active role in living their life and being feeling like they have a positive role in their own life and develop more of that main character energy where it might be lacking?
That kind of self assessment, I would look at, you know, when your loved ones are winning, or good things happen to people? Are you excited for them? Are you cheering them on? If you're not, and you're finding that often, you're kind of upset? And you're thinking, why did this happen for them? When is it going to be my turn, then that's usually a hint that you need a little bit more of that main character energy, because if things are going well, internally, and you feel pretty confident and self assured, then you can really celebrate your other your loved ones. So when there's that bit of resentment usually is the sign that we don't have enough of the main character energy. Other things to kind of self assess, is to really look at your day to day tools. So an activity that I use in counseling or at trainings is writing out all of the activities that you engage in for work for your friends in your role, maybe your parent, or your partner, to list out your activities. And then we use like a little like emoji icon to kind of rotate like our to note which things that you do that are fun, which things that you do that are for you, which things are for other people, and then to kind of look at it and see, is there balance in my life? Am I doing enough things that are for me, and that are fun? Is everything on my list things that are not for me, and I don't enjoy them, and I want to do less of them, then that's a good time to reevaluate. How
do you suggest people, once they've done that evaluation, try to take those steps, if they aren't doing enough things for themselves, or they feel like they aren't able to take more of a main character role in their groups in their friend groups or their family? How can they assert themselves without being afraid of turning into something that they maybe even resent? You know, you're talking about if somebody else says always seems to have the spotlight, even if good things are happening with them? How do they get that level, because confidence is not something you can just turn on, like a light switch,
it definitely does take some practice there are, I'm a big reader. And so there's some really great books on boundaries, because at the heart of this is some boundary things. So I would recommend some books on boundaries, I'd recommend working with a professional if you have that ability. If you're a Heartland student, then you can utilize counseling services for free, which is awesome, money saving way to get some of that support. There are some tools on confidence building things that can be done, like listing out your positive traits that you have, or putting nice things on your mirror that you look at about yourself that are true. And really one of the things I talk a lot to people about is if it's hard for you to say no, because some people really do not like to say no to people. And the reality is, if we're not saying no to people, we're saying no to ourselves, there's a no in there, it's just other people aren't receiving it, but you're receiving the nose. And so practicing nose with people that are a little bit easier to practice nose with. And so maybe that's when you get an order. That's not the order when you're at a restaurant and it's wrong. And it's not a busy because I understand a lot of restaurants are busy now. So we don't want to be mean, still want to be really nice and respectful to those in the service industry. But politely saying, oh, you know, I ordered this, could you please change this? Those are easier knows to say because they're not someone we're in a serious relationship with. So really encourage people to practice knows when it's a little bit easier. So I've known people who will talk all like for an hour with a telemarketer because they don't know how to get off the line. And so that's a great way to practice and no, you know, I appreciate you calling me No thank you. And that no is a complete sentence. We don't have to explain ourselves. Just be know. So I encourage people to practice those with less meaningful relationships.
Well, those people that talk to the telemarketers I tell you what they they probably have the best extended warranty on their car that one could ever have. So one final thing just you know, getting back to the original idea of the people that do have Have the main character, I guess, persona or approach versus the people that don't? Is there a point where that can seriously jeopardize a friendship where you as somebody that might always have to play second fiddle or deal with somebody that just kind of is oblivious to their own drama, or their own tendency to make everything about them? Is there a point where you have to step away or change things, even if you have talked to people, and they just don't get it.
And that's in having a boundary and maintaining it. So we've communicated, this really bothers me, the person hasn't changed the behavior, then assessing for yourself that this is not maybe a relationship that's pouring into me, and it's really draining, and I'm allowing other people to see it's okay to mistreat me, then that's definitely a relationship that you probably don't need to be it. And that's okay, because it makes room in your life for someone who's going to be more positive, who will respect your nose. So if you set a boundary, and someone continues to walk all over it and you stay in a relationship, you're teaching them that my boundary doesn't mean anything. It's not a boundary, it's completely porous. You can do whatever you want, you can completely disrespect me. So I believe strongly in teaching people how to treat you, just like you would train kids to be loving and kind. We definitely want to train people how they can and cannot treat us. And so thinking about that in what you allow in a relationship. Now, keep in mind, if a person let's say they just went through a divorce, or they just went through something really tragic. We are like they lost a loved one. We want to have grace for that situation. So that doesn't mean like Oh, everyone is like, over the living the one read, I'm blocking them, but just really evaluating and then maintaining the boundaries that you said.
Well, Jessica, thanks so much for joining us today to talk about main character syndrome, main character, energy and just the basic things that I think that we all can be mindful of as we interact with our friends, our family others, and get a chance to do a little bit more of that face to face activity that I hope we can all do. Moving forward.
Jessica Jackson is one of the counselors at Heartland Community College. She joined us today to talk about relationships, mean character syndrome and main character energy. If you're interested in other podcast interviews about personal growth, mental health and more, subscribe to random acts of knowledge on Apple podcasts, Spotify, audio boom or wherever you found this one. Thanks for listening
