So good morning. Good day. So this is the fourth talk on why speech in today's talk is about beneficial speech, the Buddha gave five criteria to be used as a reference point as a support for why speech? And to repeat what we've done so far. Is is to is the? No, my mind just went blank. Is it? Yeah, that's amazing to have a mind that can't recall a little bit about coming out of meditation right now that the words are not quite here yet. But today's talk is, is the speech beneficial? And the so the question that is, when we're about to speak, or when we're speaking it, does it have a good impact? Does it have the intent? Is it beneficial? What we're doing? Is it helpful to have a conversation? And the the question is, that is one that makes us consider? What is it we want to accomplish? Is it timely, and it's weather timely? Is it true? Is it pleasant? Is it something that people, the way we speak it is in a way that people will listen with feeling that's coming across with a kind, supportive voice? There's a touch people's hearts, we're gonna say, but is it beneficial? And there are certainly times when we feel that we need to speak what's true. Five times we feel like, you know, you, kind of we think it's time to do it. I mean, we've been waiting for a long time, or there can't be any other time. And we might feel that it's, yes, we're gonna do this in a, in a, in a kind way. gentle way. And, but the person we're speaking to, is not capable of hearing this, registering it or taking it in. And, and no matter how much we think it's true, how much we think that, yes, it has to be talked about, the person is not capable, the person's shut down, the person is not receptive in any kind of way. And, and so then to exhaust ourselves, trying to say, trying to explain, trying to find a way to kind of get in and make ourselves heard, is a waste of our own energy, it's kind of harmful for us sometimes. And sometimes it's hard to believe that people are not amenable to a conversation not available to hear the truth, not available to have a serious conversation. And so, you know, we keep trying and keep trying. And, but there are times when it's not beneficial to have a conversation with someone, sometimes it's not beneficial. It's, it's because there'll be retribution, there'll be angry, there'll be upset, then we know if you bring something up, there's a, they don't have it, that's that's what's gonna come back. Maybe because they're in a bad mood, and you kind of feel that there's a, you know, a angry cloud over the person. And if we, if you come talk to them about something you feel is really necessary talk about, they're going to just kind of react in such a strong way. That makes the whole thing worse. Some people are just too guarded and defensive, that they're not going to lower their guard, they're not going to allow any kind of valuable any kind of truthful conversation to happen. They'll just shut down, they'll avoid they'll deny. So at some point, it's becomes a waste of time, at some point that it no longer becomes beneficial. At some point, it's actually harmful. There's people who use the truth to harm people. And it's just that I'm just speaking the truth. Sometimes people are receptive and ready to hear something. Hear the truth. But the way we say it is so harsh, so judgmental at it, that because of how we're saying it is not beneficial. And, and so if what you're saying is not going to be beneficial, the Buddha says, Don't bother. Don't exhaust yourself when it's not beneficial. And this goes back to the question of timeliness is that sometimes you have to wait a long time, before someone is ready and receptive. And they something, something has to shift and change in their lives. And so sometimes there's the wisdom of waiting. Sometimes, the truth is true. But we haven't learned how to say it. We haven't learned all the details, we haven't learned all the aspects of it. We true what the piece of it we know. But we don't know the bigger picture. And, and so for example, one way is that the event what's happened between the person who has done what we can see the action that person has done, might seem terribly misguided or wrong. But so it's true to point that out to them. But what we don't know is internally, the challenges they're living under, maybe they feel really afraid, maybe they feel insecure, maybe they've had just had a terrible loss that they're grieving, grieving with. And so coming with the truth of the action, it really misses the person. And so the truth doesn't work in their circumstance where someone's inner life is in turmoil or difficult. So is there more truth to open up to do we had to take time to get to know the person better, what's happening, and then to, to, you know, to be gentle, and kind, even gentleness and kindness is doesn't come across too well to some people. So, so one of the ways to find our way with speech, is to not come assertively not to begin our speech with being very assertively or aggressive, but begin with simple questions that tries to understand what's going on in a bigger way. What happened, what was happening to you? What's happening with you, when you did x? Or, you know, I was really troubled by what happened before and we came up with, from your point of view, what was that happened there? When, you know, when you said to me, you know, that, xy and z. So don't come immediately with assertions and like, as if you know, what's going on. But ask simple kind of almost innocent questions, to find out more, discover more, was like, Oh, that was hard yesterday, what was going on for you? Or how was that for you, and, and, and then, as you started unpacking, and learning what's going on, then you might learn what's beneficial? Well, that's just that is beneficial to get to know the person better and learn what's going on. And then slowly, kind of fill in the picture of all the pieces that you're missing of what was going on for the person. And then once you understand the person better, then you can have a better sense of the beneficial way to speak to them. And, and maybe, you know, more, you could offer an appreciation or some gratitude or, or some some empathy for how they are. And only then is it beneficial to speak. So, so to not go headlong into a conversation, but find a way to ease into a difficult conversation if possible. So is is what I'm gonna say beneficial. And maybe you're unsure about it. So in that case, maybe you go about in a roundabout way. Maybe you find other things to talk about for a while, that are beneficial or are supportive or are connecting, that creates a kind of more richer relationship. And after after a while of doing that, then you switch over. I've been in conflict with people and, and have asked to meet with them and sat down. And it said like before, we're going to talk about this challenge we have, can we just check in with each other. I'd like to know how you are and what you're up to these days, what's going on for you. And that now I've entered the conversation in a more beneficial way beneficial for me maybe beneficial the other person that the now I'm just trying to establish a human connection and get to know the person better and what's going on? And once that's established, then it's okay. And, you know, no, you know,
I'm ready to talk about our challenge that we have. If I started to do it immediately, then it would have been challenging to, to do it. And And finally, is it beneficial to speak? It isn't only what's beneficial for the other person, but what's beneficial for us? And are we in a situation? Are we in a state of mind, state of heart, we're having the conversation is going to be beneficial? And, and do I need to somehow come come in a different mood or come more rested or come more not so charged with from the events that are going on? Do I need to walk around the block so I can come back and be available in a beneficial way. So even though that's it's timely, even though it's true, even though we can speak gently, even with that, it addressing certain challenging topics, might not, we might not be in a state where we can benefit from it, or we were not triggered and get exhausted, or we are somehow agitated or over activated by it. So this question of benefit, is it beneficial? Is it useful? And finally, it's also connected to the purpose that we have for the conversation? Is to ask ourselves, why what's my intention? And speaking here, what am I trying to accomplish? Am I trying to put the person in their place? Am I trying to jab the person with, as you know, with my, my anger or my criticism, to harm them? Am I trying to find a way? To understand them better? Am I trying to establish some kind of richer human connection? activity with a person? What's the intention? And to ask ourselves, what's the purpose that I want to speak? And is that purpose beneficial? And if you have one answer, what their purpose, ask again? And if that's the purpose, what purpose do I have that purpose for? To really be clear that the purpose you have is beneficial? And I'd like to propose, and this is the way I like to live my life. Is it beneficial for everyone concerned? Can we be have the welfare of everyone on our minds, and so for certainly our own welfare, but what is best for the person, even if this person has done something that's been harmful to us? Within reason, there are times where what's best for this person, this person really needs something and needs to just having the person stop what they're doing? Or tell the person that peace of our mind? Is that really what's beneficial for them? And so this concerned with the welfare of everyone, and that's what the Buddha championed, is this anukampā This care, where we care for the welfare and happiness of everyone, even the people we're challenged with? So to to keep in mind this guideline, is it beneficial, and it's a multi dimensional aspect to ask that question. So as you go about your day, today, you might consider this. And before and after you speak, you might look for times when you know you're going to say something or you're going off to have a conversation with someone to spend some time and require that what's beneficial here was beneficial for myself, what's beneficial for the other? What is the purpose of the conversation beneficial is how I'm going to have it's going to be beneficial? And then also do that after the conversation, after it's all over review what happened and consider was that beneficial? How was that beneficial that I miss an opportunity there? And all that. So May your conversations be beneficial for all involved? May they be helpful? And may it be a way of living your life is to that such a way that brings you greater peace, greater well being? Thank you
