Here on lovestruck daily we are big fans when it comes to mental health and prioritizing your own individual self, as well as your love. Today we're going to hear a story about a man who couldn't find someone to love until he learned to love himself first. Hi, I'm Alicia Rai.
And I'm Sarah Wendell. Welcome to lovestruck daily where we deliver true love stories every day straight to your earphones. Thank you for inviting us into your day. I'm in love with that I'm in love with you, Alicia, we talk a lot about love here. i We just said we just said the word love like nine times. And I would just like to tell you that I love each and every therapist I have ever had all of them. Yes, I agree. I love all of my therapists past and present. I adore them. They are wonderful. The end. I wish we'd all live happily ever after. But you know,
well, it's been it's been a great show. So that that should run. Yeah, thanks.
Yeah, hug your therapist, except that's a boundary. So don't do that. Maybe
don't hug them. But maybe give them a firm handshake if they like that sort of thing. I have also loved every therapist I've had for different reasons. And I love my current one, I feel like there be something that it took me a while to wrap my head around. Because I went to a therapist, like in college. And it just wasn't like, I like them. But they just weren't like the right fit. They didn't get me you know. And it wasn't until I started finding more therapists who were like people of color, you know, from similar backgrounds as me that I felt like I was being heard or I was being validated. Yeah, it's a
lot like finding a partnership only this is a partnership for you in your brain to get along. And I worked really hard to get along with my brain, my brain and I have had a long and fraught relationship. It's a very, very thick paperback novel. Lots of drama storms, you know, maybe some pirates couple of time travel instances is a very involved romantic story, me and my brain. But I agree with you finding a therapist and finding someone who can help you. In addition to the triangulation of insurance coverage, geography, availability and compatibilities.
Please, please let's not forget the insurance coverage. Yeah. Well,
speaking of finding partnerships, we have a really special guest today. Don't wait. Joining
us today is a good friend and fellow iHeart host John Francoise. He is the host of the anything show. Like many people swimming through the modern dating world, John struggled with many things, chief among them his mental health until he decided it was time to take charge and get some help. John, thank you so much for coming on. We're so excited to see you again.
Thanks for having me on the podcast. I really appreciate it.
Now you came here a little bit in a funny manner, because we of course, did a little interview with you during our radio tour. I apologize if I was not coherent at all, because it was 6am here in LA. But you mentioned you mentioned that you had an interesting relationship and that you had an interesting story. And so we thought we'd have you on and talk about it. So why don't you give us like a little rundown of what your relationship history has been or what your dating history has been in the past,
I initially had a very nervous thing about dating about relationships, to sort of make up for the shyness that I had I met someone in one of those online chat rooms, we had a long distance relationship that was on and off, pretty toxic here and there. And then in college, where I lost my virginity, not the old fashioned way. But in, I paid for it, I sought out an escort agency. And that happened for quite a few years. And along the way. I mean, I did get into a relationship that was fairly old fashion in person. But again, it had sort of the same toxic qualities as you know, previous attempts at relationships. You know, I've done dating here and there I've tried matchmaking services, if we want to fast forward, late spring, early summer of 2020. I had gone through enough highs and lows in the dating, casual, romantic sexual arena, if you will, that I was about ready to give up. And of course, this is how the story happens. I mean, at the moment where I'm ready to just sort of give up and be single for the rest of my life is the moment where I end up finding Tony the woman who I'm spending the rest of my life with what from the moment we met I think it was not only was it just us gradually falling in love with each other but it was Also a big lesson and my mental health because I think the common thread for like all the relationships that I've experienced is that I would get a degree of stress, anxiety, self loathing, that would really just caused me to just go down the deep end, I would just say hateful, terrible things about myself, I would have short tempers about the littlest things here and there. And I've had therapy, I've gone on and off from therapy ever since freshman year of college. And it wasn't until I met Tony, that I decided, Okay, I'm going to go back to therapy. And this time, let's see if we can make it a long term thing, rather than, Oh, I'm only going to go whenever, you know, the shit hits the fan. I think about maybe four or five days after me and Tony officially, like became official, is when I dive back into therapy, taking care of my mental health has played a very important role in my relationship and, and in my life in general. So
I so admire your coping mechanisms, because they match many of my own, where I look at my anxiety brain as like a separate voice. And I'm like, I don't have to listen to you, I appreciate that you're trying to keep me safe, but the things you're trying to keep you safe from are not
real. One thing I found interesting, is when you said that, you know, going to escorts and stuff it helped you avoid the hard part was the hard part yourself, was it dealing, you know, with the relationship as a whole was like an external thing or an internal thing?
I think the hard part to me, man, okay, like, deep down. I'm a hopeless romantic. I like relationships. I like that companionship, and knowing that I had to go through, you know, probably tough, uncomfortable things like, you know, being vulnerable along the way to get the kind of relationship that I want. And that's what I did. And at a certain point, the emptiness that I was feeling, after each of these experiences, were just enough, where I just decided to say, Okay, let's see if we can find a more old fashioned path to to, to, to what I want in my life for the long run.
So can I ask you about your first initial encounter with your current partner on hinge? Do you remember what drew you to them? Or what you noticed first?
Well, you know, it's funny, because you would think that oh, the person you spend the rest of your life with that first encounter was magical, but it wasn't. You know, when I first met her, I just remember, okay, like I'm swiping through all these pictures on the hinge app and came across Tony, I think Tony made it clear that she was interested in me first. Either way, I saw her picture, I thought, Okay, this girl's cute. And we both this mutual match, whatever you call it, kind of cut to the chase pretty quickly and say, hey, you know, would you be interested in you know, going to dog mountain and and, you know, walking our dogs and just, you know, meeting each other and seeing what happens there. It wasn't until, you know, we met in person where we started to get an idea of like, okay, this is kind of a different person.
What's dog mountain? Can I go there? Sounds great.
That sounds like heaven.
So I'm so so we're based in Vermont, and dog Mountain is basically a just basically imagine the, the scene from the beginning of sound of music with Julie Andrews where she's just you know, doing the hills are alive thing. Oh, yeah. It's just a basically a huge nature play area for dogs to run around, unleashed. And that's where we decided to me because it turned out oh, you know, we both have dogs.
How did you? How did you like kind of know that you were ready for like this real relationship at this point in your life? What was it like? Or was there a moment? Or was it just like a natural thing?
When I started to open up to her, and she was nothing but receptive without judgment. Like she's also in therapy. So she's had a lot of stuff she's had to deal with, you know, based on family history based on her own self esteem. So both being on that same page of like, hey, let's, you know, keep it honest vulnerability, not a bad thing. Let's, let's share and let's not, you know, keep anything from each other if we don't have to. I think once I start to do that, seeing the way she reacted, that's when it started to register to me that all right. I think this is something real here.
Were there any like concrete techniques that you use that you learned in therapy, or was it just I'm gonna sit in being uncomfortable and see where it takes me.
So whenever I would have these, you know, catastrophic, angry, stressed or anxious thoughts, being able to, you know, just being able to pull up the Notes app from my iPhone and just jot down what I was thinking what I was feeling. So just being able to say, alright, I'm feeling angry about this, and it's okay that I'm feeling angry about this. What I've learned for first and foremost is, you know, whatever, like an emotion comes up, just noticing that like, oh, wait a minute, like, I'm noticing that I'm feeling this stuff like that is what what has allowed me to really thrive? Yeah, in terms of my mental health, the past year and a half.
One of the techniques my therapist taught me, you'll like this, Alicia, Alicia is a novelist, with switching my narrative from first to third person, boom, I am feeling stressed, I am panicking. I am overwhelmed. And then I think Okay, Sarah is feeling stressed. Sarah is feeling panicked. And it just gives me a little bit of distance from the immediacy of what I'm feeling to sort of observe it and go, Okay, why, what can we do? What's happening and switching from first to third person has been mind blowingly. Good for me. Do you think in a relationship for you speaking for yourself? Do you think that there is a emphasis on finding the right person?
After a while when you look at the movies and this concept of the right one, and then you look at the way reality actually works? You know, it's I think the more that you you know, think to yourself, Okay, love at first sight, the right one, the right one, the right one, the less likely that's going to happen?
Do you think if you hadn't met her, you know, 10 years ago, five years ago, four years ago, do you think it would have worked as well as it does? Now?
We've talked about this. And this and this again, this is the hopeless romantic part of me that has said in the past, like, oh, man, you know, what if we were highschool sweethearts, and then we grew up together, like if part of me wanted that, but we were such different people. 10 years ago, I think we both agreed that based on where we were in our lives, without the the benefit of taking care of our mental health, I think it would have ended up being very weird, toxic situation. That's how we both feel. We've agreed that it was good timing that we met each other when we did.
That's so fantastic, John, and thank you so much for coming on. We really appreciate it. Where can people find you online?
Sure. So I host a podcast called The anything show John Francoise, which you guys were on actually, yeah, yes, we were. Yeah. Find the only thing show John Francoise. wherever you get podcasts, Facebook, Instagram and tick tock. I'd look forward to seeing anybody who is interested. They're
fabulous. Yeah. Thank you.
I really this was such a treat. Thank you so much for coming on. And thank
you for being so honest and candid. Yes, it was. It was a pleasure to talk to you again.
Thank you. A pleasure. Pleasure to talk to you guys too. I love that conversation
is so fantastic. And just for an extra special a little treat today a little mental health treat.
I love a good mental health treat.
Also joining us today is licensed therapist Bree Jacquet.
Welcome, Bree, thank you so much for joining us.
Thank you for having me.
So we talked to John about how he struggled a bit with outsized romantic expectations in his relationship. Do you see men struggling with this idea of sort of grand romantic expectations? And then them falling flat? Is that is that a common thing?
You know, I see it happen for both men and women. So short answer is yes, that that does happen a lot. I think, in our culture, we're often sold this idea of this, like romantic getting swept off your feet sort of relationship. Right. And that's, that's the ideal. That's what's in in fairy tales. And in reality, that's not what relationships really look like, that's not a realistic portrayal of what they actually are. And how
do you work with people who are struggling with their own self esteem? And how do you help prepare them for a strong relationship down the road?
Absolutely. That's a great question. So I think in order to prepare oneself for a successful healthy relationship, you need to know yourself. And I know that sounds very trite. That's what all of the the memes, say and all of that like on Instagram. But I think what it really looks like is, knowing what your values are. I think that's a really great starting point, right? Because if you know what your own values are, and also how to uphold them, right, how to have some integrity in living those values. You could find whether or not someone else who has those values or has other values are compatible with you. Does that make sense?
Yeah, absolutely. Okay, great.
Yeah. So I think that's, that's like one of the main focuses, right, oftentimes, also, as far as building self esteem, we need to find ways of engaging in esteem level x, right? So what makes you feel confident? What makes you feel successful or proud of yourself? And again, kind of ties it back to values, because if someone values making a lot of money, but they're not making a lot of money, right, then they're probably going to be lacking self esteem. What about
like, what are some like concrete things that people can do? Do you recommend journaling? affirmations?
I think a lot of the times, it will look like refining what it is that you value in your life. So if we kind of if they come in, and they're like, Oh, I'm not too sure. I think over the next few sessions, that's something that we would work on, and I would probably give them some, some brainstorming activities to do. So that could look like journaling about what brings you joy in your life, what kind of ticks you off, you know, and then when they bring that into the session, we can kind of pick it apart and see and like, make sense of it. Really analyze it. Affirmations are always great. So notice, compliments that people give you how did you feel when you receive those compliments? Right?
Yes, absolutely.
Were you able to accept them? How they differ?
No, not at all.
Right. Exactly. I deflected and I made a self deprecating joke about myself, right.
Like, you know, me Have we met before?
I think it's it's very common, right? So I would say I would say generally things, things of that nature.
Definitely. This is more of a practical question. But if our listeners are interested in therapy, how do you go about finding like a good fit for yourself? It's like any relationship, right? You have to find the right one?
Yes, yes. There's just there's so many options out there. So I think a really good resource would be to hop on a website called Psychology Today. And they have therapist profiles, where you can see what they specialize in, you know, Are they male or female? Other you know, like, Who who is it that you want to work with? A lot of therapists who are in private practice will also provide a free consultation, too. So if you ever wanted to get on the phone, and you could basically interview them, right? Like, Hey, what is it that you specialize in? These are some of the things that I'm dealing with? What's your experience with them? Right.
Thank you so much. This has been amazing.
Yeah. Thanks for Thanks for your health
course. Thank you so much for having me.
That was such a great conversation. Sara, do you? Do you have any good love to go for us today, anything to take with us indoor day?
I do. Actually. One thing that Bree said that struck me was the idea of values and value itself. So if you think of value as a noun and as a verb, you need to know what your values are, what are the things that are important to you, but also you have value and that you can treat yourself as something valuable that the things that are important to you are important because you think they're important to just go forth into the day remembering you have value and that your values are important. And before we go, I want to give a little bit of extra information today. First, I subscribe to an outstanding daily newsletter called The anti racism daily and the issue this week was talking about supporting Black mental health. As you probably know, we mentioned this in the intro. A number of providers are white, it is harder to find providers of color and from marginalized backgrounds and who specialized in marginalized identities, although that is changing Hot diggity. Also, attitudes toward therapy are changing and people are more accepting of it, which I love. I want to make note of two things. One, if you are looking for financial assistance, and you are a black woman or girl, check out the love land foundation.org who offer financial assistance for individual black women and girls seeking therapy. And if you are in crisis, or having a problem right now, there are many sources to help you here are two, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Or if you are more of the texting sort, you can text the Crisis Text Line for emotional crisis support by texting hello to 741741 it's free available 24/7 And is entirely confidential. But like I said, You are valuable so we Want you to treat yourself like you are. If you would like to get in touch with us, you can email us at law Stark daily at Frohlich dot media. We would love it if you did. You can follow us on Instagram and Twitter at lovestruck daily. We've got extra content and bonus features and we would love to interact with you there too. You can leave a review, you can subscribe but whatever you're doing, thank you for spreading the word about the show and thank you for bringing us into your day. Our researcher is Jesse Epstein. Our editor is Jen Jacobs. We are produced by Abigail steckler and little Scorpion studios and Gillian Davis with executive producer frolic media. This is an I Heart Radio Podcast and for goodness sakes just at the same time and love with you I'm in love with you
