Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Sex (But We’re not Afraid to Ask)

4:21AM Mar 21, 2022

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Today we're in session for sex education. We're answering all of your questions about sex that you've been too afraid to ask. So get out your notebooks and your condoms. Sex Ed is about to start.

I'm Alicia Rai. And I'm Sarah Wendell. Welcome to lovestruck daily where we deliver a daily dose of love happiness and fulfillment to your eardrums each and every weekday. I'm in love with that to you. I'm in love with you. Alicia, what was sex ed like in your school? I think I went to like three different

schools in middle school. So that's hard. That's a hard edge. It was. It was not fun. But anyway, so the second school gave us a very like, like gym teacher as sex ed teacher type. Classic

gym teacher, why

am teacher I don't know is always just the gym teacher. And so he was our health coach. And all I remember from that was that the girls They separated us out the guys in the end, the girls and the guys all got like deodorant. They gave all the girls tampons, and that was it. It was very like, gender normative.

What what is strange sequence of you're going to sweat and smell you're going to bleed and then you're going to die. Like what is that?

But I have to say like, I prefer that to the third school because I vividly recall we had an assembly. And we all had to go to the to the auditorium. Oh, no. And there was this like, sweaty woman there who was age. But the only part of that that I actually retained and remember, because it was so horrifying was she said at one point.

What happens when you have unprotected sex?

Tell me oh, you know, the smartass is in the class. We're like, well, you know, you get pregnant. And she's like, Yeah, that's

what everyone says, get pregnant. But you can survive a pregnancy, you can't survive STDs, like, oh,

which first of all, yes, you can very much so but you know, so it was quite a vilification of it. And, and it was, it was wild. And I just remember there was dead silence in that auditorium, because we were all terrified. And that was my sex ed. So but what about you? Well,

I graduated high school in 1993. So I was in high school in the late 80s, early 90s. When there was the AIDS crisis. People at that time didn't know how to talk about ese. I certainly didn't know how to talk about sex. But one highlight is that we did have to watch a video I want to say it was called the meaning of life where you watched a childbirth from Yeah, from the business end. Yeah, I never watched this. But like, there was no actual discussion about the part that led to the conception of the baby. Yeah, very, very general. Terrible. And I'm here is birth from the business end, which

Ooh, speaking of education, we are going to jump right into our own sex ed today by welcoming our guest Lola Jean Lola is a sex educator and mental health professional. She's all about bringing her clients and newfound understanding of sex and sexuality. Please welcome Lola Jean. Hi, Lola, how are you doing today? Hi,

I'm doing well. I'm doing

okay. So excited to talk to you. Yeah, this is this is so great. You are a sex educator and a sex coach. I really just prefer

to create experiences for people whether that is in an online class and in person class, an event of performance. And one of the things that I've been explained to people as it's an it's an entirely different skill, to know something really well and then to be able to convey and teach it to people in a way that they will understand and want to listen to. And I and that's what I enjoy about it. I enjoy the like, how do I get people to understand this experiences in a different way or in the way that I want them to? And that's the challenge. Oh, that's

so cool. How did you how did you get into this field?

I fell into it the way I say it is that I didn't intend to disappoint my parents every day. But now I am. know they've, they've come around to it. You know, they they know that. It's like, you know, only ask as many questions as you want to hear answer. So it's, it's getting better. But it was a scenario where I had quit my job in advertising. I was waitressing while I like figured things out because I was miserable. I got fired from that waitressing job and I was like, Okay, I just want to do a job I don't hate while I figure out what I want to do with my career. And that's when I picked up some Craigslist jobs. That's when I started doing some dominance. So I started doing wrestling, Fidesz, I was like a play room monitor at a sex party. And then there was like a sex educator I had met, and I was like, Maybe I could help out this person, while I figure out what I want to do. And then, you know, the rest is history. And now, now, this is what I do. And I and I really like

it. Do you have sort of a clear working definition of quote unquote, good sex? Or like, you know, because we hear that term thrown about a lot, you know, you should we should be looking for good sex. What does that mean to you?

So obviously, it's going to be subjected to everyone. But I think the thought is that we think that good sex is this wild, unbridled, passionate, dirty, like, whatever we think that the top is, or even like squirting, or whatever that may be. But for me, good sex is just fun. Whatever fun is to me, am I having fun. And for me, I like to laugh. I like it to be kind of silly, and connected. And it also takes the pressure off me if I have fun. Maybe I've orgasm, maybe I don't. But if I have fun, probably more likely to orgasm anyway. But if I don't, I'm still having a good time. There's so much pressure in sex, even now, even as a professional especially to, you know, tell someone the thing that you like, and that is the thing that you like that day at that time, and then to find pleasure from it and to pleasure, that other person to make sure that they have a good time. And it's just not as simple as that. Like, for some people, maybe this and congratulations, you're very lucky. I'm glad it's easy for you. But a lot of the time, it's not so kind of thinking about what do I want from this moment? And what's fun for me?

i Yeah, absolutely. You know, when when we talk about sex with our partners, I know sometimes people feel shy about approaching that with them. Maybe if things aren't working out? Or if they want to try something? What are your What are your recommendations for somebody maybe who's feeling a little bit uncomfortable or worried about that?

We have a lot of ego tied to sex both and thinking that we should be good at it. And if we're not, we're a failure. But like, Where? Where did we learn that? And also, what good at sex is to one person is not to another? So are we expected to then become experts with every new person that we see? And I think with that, like, I mean, a lot of the question is, how do you spice things up, which I hate that terminology and phrase? Because what it sounds like is that sounds like you're in a routine, you need to shake up that routine. And a lot of times when people say let's spice things up, I feel like their next step is a threesome, which is not a good idea. Do not spice things up by adding a third person that you're probably going to hurt and bring into your like routine relationship drama.

Is this the sex equivalent of having a baby to fix your marriage?

I mean, it's all a lot of the time, like a lot of people that are unicorns are in the poly community will say that it's like don't have to fix your marriage.

That's a whole other person that you're bringing in. There's

so many ways to add novelty that don't involve another person get a blindfold

employee shops out there. You can walk into one she would have to you've got a necktie. Like don't

use your hands. There's a challenge. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah. And I mean, not to not to like, you know, shamelessly plug myself but also to shamelessly plug myself please go ahead. Taking a class is a great way, especially as me like, I am an educator and authority. And sometimes I apparently go into teacher voice. And my partner doesn't like that. So I want to try new things with him. I'm like, Oh, great way to be for us to go to a class that someone else is teaching. So both of us can then be students. And sometimes it helps to have another person as authority. So it's not like I'm criticizing you are, I'm judging you. It's like, let's try this thing together. Let's go on a journey together and discover something new along the way. And maybe you find certain things that you think are silly, and you don't like maybe you find other things that you think, are really great, too. And a lot of it's just about that exploration. But really, at the end of the day, you have to have a place where you feel safe to be autonomous. You feel safe to like things and not like things. And to be able to speak to that more.

Can you give us any specifics about any couples, something that they either had to work through sexually, or found together that was, you know, through through, you know, through working with you?

There was this one couple in an erotic massage class I was teaching and they were like asking a question, and I use this as an example a lot because it's a really great example. Not like to pick on them, but it Yeah, it was just kind of it was phenomenal of like neither of you are wrong. We just need to like experiences in a different way. But essentially, we were doing this move on the person with the folder and they were just like, oh, this just doesn't feel like orgasmic it feels okay, but it's not like orgasmic and I was like, Okay, well give it a minute. Like, it's a lot of pressure to being like, this touch has to feel this way. And I think that's what we build in our heads of like, to feel we don't want to patients. And we, especially as humans, in modern day technology, don't have a lot of patients who want an immediately. That's why we're like, oh, this doesn't feel the same as when I do it this way. So I'm only going to masturbate this way for the rest of my life, which you know, you can do but having that that patience and that curiosity, you can be able to discover more, so not, it's like not looking for the next best thing. But looking for something that is interesting or curious. Those are words I always tell people to hone in on because those are places where can we can be able to explore. It's

funny, my my fiancee and I, we watch a show called Married at First Sight, which is like one of our favorite trashy reality shows. And one thing in there that they always prescribe for couples that aren't connecting, they're like, Okay, well go to Tantric Yoga. And so that's kind of our, our go to joke, whenever any, like couples in trouble or like, just go to Tantric Yoga say, hey,

what's cultural appropriation?

Yeah, there's multiple issues with

it. I've 100% Agree, like if you're gonna learn to communicate non verbally, then like, learn to communicate non verbally with the intention of that instead of being like, maybe we'll learn it from doing yoga, I use the sensation play class, I teach as like a bat or like even animal play as like a backdoor way for people to learn how to communicate non verbally, because animals communicate non verbally to us all the time. And we can understand even if they don't, yeah, or what if sometimes that helps. But we can tell about where their shoulders are, where their tail is. And when we are so used to being able to communicate verbally doing so non verbally is like, I want you to feel really, really good when I touch you. But the only way I'm gonna know that you feel good is if you communicate with your body, or with kind of groans and moans or something like that. Because a lot of people are really, really still. So by kind of putting it in this way, we're like, hey, there's a fun reward that like whatever feels good to you. I don't know what that is yet. But I want you to feel that I'm not trying to hurt you no pain. And then they have to, you know, communicate with their body to get that reward. So it teaches them to communicate. And it also teaches you to be able to understand what their tells are because maybe one person when they shiver means Ouch, that hurts, but another person means that feels like the best thing in the world. Yeah, so much.

So much of it is just nonverbal cues that you have to learn how to pay attention to, I am curious about the idea of sexual chemistry that you mentioned. Because I think people when they first meet each other, they're often looking for some kind of big fireworks, you know, that chemistry that that sort of unexplainable, you know, Alchemy? Should they be looking for this, in your opinion? Or is it more important to build that over time.

So my theory is that you can have really great sex with someone and be attracted to them. And that's still not going to be necessarily a good relationship, it's not a foundation of a good relationship. It doesn't mean that those things are important. But I think a lot of times we get into relationships with people that we're attracted to, and we are having good sex with. And we're like, we got to make it work. But that's not necessarily the case. And I think it really has to do with maybe what the core of you know, what you like sexually who you are, like how you want to work on things to see if that's aligned, because that tells you if you can like move and progress. So for me, like what was important is like I wanted someone were I was able to have like banter with them in a non sexual setting. And I wanted them to be able to have conflict conversations, because then I would be confident that, you know, we can move through anything, and there wouldn't just be like, moments of silence. But it definitely took work with my partner and I where I'm like, I like to laugh and like, you know, play around during sex. And that made him very uncomfortable. But we've been able to work through that, because it's something that's important to me. So it's really thinking about these things that are, you know, what, something that is integral to my romantic or physical or even friend relationships? And what are things that you know, would be great if we had it, but not if we didn't, because the things that are integral, I need to make sure off the bat that those person is checking those things off. And that's something that I call a values list of thinking about what are the things that are really important, because then I can point back to it. But if there's something that's intriguing, obviously to some people, physical attraction is really important to others. It's not to some people, it's like a single physical component. I like very skinny men, and I like very masculine femmes. So somewhere, which honestly sounds like the same person. I have a type and they all look the same. So we can have that physical type but with the chemistry It's how you play off of each other and that's going to not just be sexually, but that's going to be emotional romantic. But I think the big thing is again, like just because you have really good sex with someone is not a reason to date them.

What are some of the most common sexual misconceptions that you either come across that you'd love to debunk?

Oh, wow. Um, I mean, the one that I that constantly because like, you know, I'm wearing this this word or sweatshirt as as we speak, but, um, that like squirting is the sign of the ultimate orgasm. Or I mean, I think in general, it's like trying to have this most amazing orgasm or whatever this is. And you know, the overall response to that no matter you know, what genitals you're packing, or what type of body that you have, is focusing on what your body can do, as opposed to focusing on what your body can't do. Because all of our bodies are to do really cool things that other bodies won't be able to do. I don't have a lot of sensation in my nipples. Some people can come from having their nipples like softer touched, that is wonderful for them. Probably not, I got my nipples pierced a little bit better, but like, probably not in my future. That's fine. There's other things that I can enjoy or do. And I think with squirting, in particular, it's gotten to be something that's more about the person who was with the person scoring than the person who was doing the scoring. And if it's even, you know, enjoyable for them, or what it is to them isn't an orgasm, is it not an orgasm, or? Yeah, I

think something that I remember reading was that one of the most search for things like on Google in terms of just sex education once was, what does a female orgasm feel like? And of course, the answer is,

I mean, any any gender, you know, like, the orgasm can feel any sort of way, you know, like, it's not always sort of a set. It is a beautiful thing, though, to hear, like 20 people describe because it's gonna be completely different. But it's also like, it's not a thing you can describe. So I'm like, I'm also interested in hearing that answer 100 times. But knowing that there isn't one answer, and I think for things, that's why squirting is so interesting, because it's a physical manifestation of pleasure, we can see it happening. Whereas in general, of like, orgasms, or people that love us, like, sometimes you can gel sometimes you can't, it's really different for different people as well. And I think for you know, if a person who has a little bit it can be confusing for you, if you're like, Did I come like my friend, Remy Casimir has a whole podcast about it called How come? And it was all in the beginning of her life. She's just like, I don't think I've come how will I know if I Oh, you'll know like, it's, you'll know. Same thing with love, too. How do you know if you're in that? You'll know Will I

what you know, and you know, where can people find you if they're looking for you on the internet.

You can find my website at Lola gene calm that is also all of my social media handles with the D O. T spelled out. And you can also sign up for my mailing list to stay up to date if there any, you know, live events, new classes, workbooks, whatever else that the Lola Jean Empire will be spitting out in the next coming years.

Very busy lady, thank you so much for coming on. We really appreciate it. Absolutely. All right, Sarah, what an educational and fun discussion. What is your love to go for the day? What do you want your our listeners to take with them?

The thing that jumped out at me from what Lola Gene said was the idea of having a values list. The idea of listing and thinking very specifically about what you value, especially sexually because everyone's a little bit different. And making that list will help you form the language to talk about this openly and thoughtfully with the people you might want to engage with. I

love that

values list. Let's all make one. And if you want to tell us what's on your value list, please do it. You can email us at lovestruck daily at product on medium. You can follow us on Twitter and Instagram at lovestruck daily and you can leave a review because we would absolutely adore it and we love to call out and read some of your reviews because they are tremendous. Thank you as always for listening and making us a part of your day. Our researcher is Jesse Epstein. Our editor is Jen Jacobs. We are produced by Abigail steckler and little Scorpion studios and Gillian Davis with executive producer frolic media. This is an I Heart Radio Podcast and we wish you a very fulfilling happily ever after. With that I'm in love with you I'm in love with you