Hi everyone, Risa here. You know, in my most recent podcast interviews, and you can find the links to those if you want to listen to them in the newsletter, just scroll to the bottom in those interviews I've been talking about something I call the intimacy circuit and how conflict is an essential part of building intimacy, and within the intimacy circuit, the six essential elements of the circuit, such as self esteem, boundaries, personal accountability, vulnerability, empathy, and repair, or what I refer to as connection, and once again I'm going to talk about boundaries I think I could talk about boundaries forever, because I just had a really poignant conversation with one of my clients the other day, and thought it would be helpful to pass along to you what I said to her, she's going through a divorce, and has a young child, and of course that hit home for me because I went through separation and divorce when my daughter was two from her father, my first husband, at that time. And she expressed to me, her hope that if she behaved in a certain way we were talking about attending her child's first sports activity. Her hope was that he her ex husband would begin to behave similarly. And that makes sense. I mean, we, we hope that we can influence how other people treat us if we treat them well. And so our conversation centered around her choice of behaving a certain way towards her ex husband. You know, inviting him to let her know if he needed any sports stuff for their son before the first practice and to let her know, and she would bring it to the practice, if he needed it. Well, this is the first practice and this would be the first time they were actually attending an event together for their son. Because what happens in divorce. A lot of people don't attend family functions anymore, they don't have the same friends they, the kids, you know, go one place one weekend, and it's my weekend or it's your weekend and so no you can't see the child and all those kinds of things. And her plan was to go to the practice even though it wasn't her weekend, because that was what is best for her that was what was best for her child and she wants her ex husband to be able to do the same when it's not his weekend with their child, and the grandparents as well her ex in laws would would be there and she was making it clear that hey everybody is welcome to this, that we're not going to divide things this way, that's the foundation that she wanted to set is really a lovely thing, and that's not easy to do when you've been through a divorce, but through hard work and self reflection. This is the point she is at. And when she expressed her hope that her ex husband would treat her in the same way. I shared with her this I said yes, that is certainly something to hope for, not something to count on, and not something to measure whether or not what you're doing is appropriate, is right for you. One of the things I noted in the newsletter is, how do we know if we're successfully setting boundaries with someone is it if they listen, is it if they don't cross the boundary again the next time or if they don't get mad at you, and all of that focuses on the other person, when really the measure of success is focusing on your self on letting go of control and the kindness to yourself, Am I doing, what is appropriate for me. That is kind towards me kind towards the other person. And am I clear about that. In
previous audios to you. I've said that boundaries are incredibly kind when I have clarity with who I am, what I want. What I need I'm kind to myself. And when I have clarity with you, I'm kind to you and our relationship. So the measure of success is not the other person's response. The measure of success is, am I doing, what is kind and appropriate to take care of myself, and to take care of the relationship. Now, in this example of anyone going through a divorce, for the most part, there are very appropriate more firm boundaries than this example right it may be very appropriate not to go to a certain function, or to not spend time with certain friends. All of that has to be figured out and decided with this boundary of attending the child's sporting event. Well, that can be less rigid, right, I've talked before about how boundaries should be more like a dimmer switch in the living room where you turn the lights up or down, not an on off switch. It's not, we do everything or nothing together, it's there are some things that are appropriate in this example, she was setting the stage for this to be appropriate things that we do for our child, we do together, and are welcome to attend in this kind of situation, other things, not so much. And believe me, her ex husband had set a very rigid precedent around something else, I won't go into the details. It's just a family event for the child. That was very hurtful to her, and she's choosing not to follow that path, and to behave towards her ex husband more in the way she wants him to behave towards her and that she wants to set as a precedent for her son to see really difficult to do, especially when someone else has set a really rigid painful boundary. So, to measure success. Am I doing, what is kind towards myself taking care of myself and towards taking care of relationship, as opposed to how is the other person responding. Are they okay with it, because that's not the measure of success when setting boundaries. Thanks for listening, everyone. Remember, our relationships are what matter most. Until next time, stay connected to yourself,
to your loved ones to the world around you. And to me, I'd love to hear from you what boundaries Do you struggle with. Click the link in this email and send me your questions.
