You're listening to the fast fatty podcast episode 51 question that I'm answering today is do you have seasonal body shame? I'm your host Victoria Welsby. Let's do it.
I'm Victoria Welsby TEDx speaker, Best Selling Author and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self esteem to being a courageous and confident first fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. society teaches us living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed? Or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century? So how do you stop a negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the first fatty podcast let's begin
low fatty Welcome to this episode. How are you? How's life how you doing? So excited to hang out with you today? I am excited to hang out with you today because guess what? Today I am having a bad body image day haha. I've been waiting to have one. So I can talk to you about it and share that yes, I'm a human being with a with a brain and a body and, and, and eyeballs and everything. And I too, sometimes not very often, we'll have days where I feel not good about my body. And today is one of those days. And so when I was getting ready for this podcast, I was like, Hmm, interesting. I wonder why that day. I what I said to myself was I feel an attractive today. That is what my brain said to me. I felt unattractive today, the reasons that I feel that so I felt that because I've got some, some spots on my face. My hair is a bit wonky today like it's like, almost needs washing, you know, the kind of like, it's like, almost ready for a wash. But it's not quite like you can get away with it for a day. So this is my kind of getting away with it for a day. But it looks swanky. And also I got it cut like a month or six weeks ago, and it's due for another cut. And so it's not like in Primo condition is fine, it's fine. Anyway, and so those two things alone would not make me have bad body image. And so I was like, Huh, well, I often have spots on my face, and I often have have shit here. And that doesn't make me feel like my body is not okay. So I thought again, I thought what else is going on Victoria? And I thought well, well, well, I got an email this morning from the BBC. We would like to consider you as a guest on this show or haven't heard of the show. The show is apparently after speaking to the producer. The biggest show in Ireland so it's on like it's called RTE is that is the equivalent is RT it's like BBC, like the number one channel. I don't watch Irish TV. So I don't know. But they'll like you, you know about this guy. And I'm like, No, don't know who he is. Anyway, so they're having like this debate thing, and they want me to potentially be a panelist. And then they have a There's a famous British TV doctor, kinda like Dr. Oz, but less snake oily. So I had a chat with the producer about it. And in the email, they use the O word. And I thought well, yeah, you know, they're gonna use that because, you know, like, they just will. They said, you told me about it. And they said, Okay, there's, there's a fee attached. And so we'll pay you and I was like how much? The bean counters need to tell you. So they probably don't know yet, but they're going to email me. And if this might not even happen anyway. And so I'm like, do I want to do this? Because I'll tell you why. Because the last time I was on the BBC, because it's a regular occurrence. The last and only time was on the BBC, for that documentary, who equalling fat, the results were not what I wanted them to be, I wanted them to show me as this angelic, perfect human being exceedingly intelligent, well balanced, funny, kind.
And they showed me is like, you know, some of those things, but you know, kind of a bit of a deck as well. And anyway, the, that show was watched by 2.6 million people. And so I had a lot of trolls reacting to me, and a lot of people sending very mean stuff to me. And it was very, very damaging for my mental health, and my self worth, not my body image, my self worth of should I be alive, and now I'm someone who has depression, it wasn't good for my depression, and at times, I felt suicidal. And so I really felt like, oh, you know, I've leaped down the fat positive community, I should have been better I should have, I should have done this and said that, and so they could never have twisted my words, or I should have, you know, not ever eaten anything, quote unquote, unhealthy because then of course, they're going to use that footage. And so it was traumatic for me. And I often think about it and think about conversations that I had in that house. And feeling like, Oh, I wish that I could have on camera, conveyed myself in a different better way. And I'm making it like, making it sound like I was terrible in it wasn't most people watching. They're like, Oh, my God, you're amazing. You were so cool. And blah, blah, blah. I'm being too critical on myself. I think I'm being quite harsh. I guess I just, I just want people to like me, right? Normal human things that you want to be liked and accepted. And, you know, yeah, because like, on in real life, everyone got along well, apart from one person who everyone hated, I'm not gonna tell you, but it wasn't one of the people who like to their bodies. One person everyone hated. Apart from that everyone got on really well. And we laughed, and it was just the best, it was the best time off camera. And but then when the results came out, it made it look like everyone hated each other. And, you know, Mike could tell you anyway, why I'm saying all this is because this email from the BBC, obviously, triggered something in me, reminding me of the negative outcomes from that, and there were positive outcomes. And thinking about this, this TV doctor, and because what they want to talk about is, is COVID-19 Are Fat People at a higher risk from getting COVID-19 from dying from from COVID-19. And so this doctor is gonna be like, yeah, fat people. And he's got books that are like, ah, oh, my, oh, my gosh, the books, some of the books are like, how to do this diet on this. So low calorie intake, one of the books, the calorie intake wouldn't be enough for, you know, there'll be more calories in one of my posts, you know, really, like, you can't live on that as a human being maybe, you know, if you fed it to a mouse or a hamster or maybe a small rabbit, that, you know, they would be able to sustain that amount of calories anyway. So this guy is, I don't know, I kind of feel like he might be extreme. So I'm debating whether to do this or not. And I'm very curious as to how I am already reacting. I'm in two minds, because you know what? I'm a fat activist. Right? And so this is an activism opportunity. And so I could reach people. I don't know how many millions watch this. But I can reach people and show them. They're not at blame if they're fat, and they have Coronavirus that fat people are members of society who needed to be need to be treated with dignity and respect. That's fat activism. I could be doing that. But also, could I be really damaging my mental health, but also they're going to pay me a fee. So is that potentially worth it? I don't know how much the fee is. And so I'm gonna wait to see what the fee is. So if they're like, we're gonna pay you 1000 euros for this 10 minute TV segment, then I'll be like, Yeah, I'll take the risk. We'll see what happens but if they're like we're gonna pay you 50 euros. I'm like, No thank you, as well because it's in Belfast. And so the bulk Belfast is like three or four hours away drive and so they send me a car and whatnot, and I'd stay in the hotel and the show's not until late 10 o'clock at night. And so I'm like, oh, what's past my bedtime? I need to be in bed.
Yeah, so anyway, I share all this because having bad body image is not something that's that's made in a vacuum. You know, if you don't hate your body, because you're, you're in a void of nothingness, and then all of a sudden you're like, Do you know what? My body is a fucking piece of shit? No things have influenced you to tell you that your body is not okay. And so if you are having a bad body image day, then do what I have done and get curious and be like, Huh, what can pick up on here because it's not that my body is bad. Another thing that was another thing I was like What else has happened today that could make me not like my body, I put on a t shirt I have not put on him in a while. And it felt really weird and uncomfortable. And my. And my brain said, Oh, it's because you have put on way and, and I was like, oh, you know, whatever, that's fine. I don't know if I have or not. But that was my my feeling. And so then I went downstairs and made breakfast and I was like shower just feel really uncomfortable. And I looked and it was on fucking back to front, my T shirt was on back to front. And that's why it felt uncomfortable. Even if it had been uncomfortable with that, because I put on weight, that's fine. But it just felt weird. Just because I had gone back to front. Anyway, I put it on the right way round. And I was like, Oh, it feels better. And so that could have contributed, you know, feeling uncomfortable in a T shirt. And a t shirt is something that I should feel comfortable in. And so that could have have contributed towards it, as well. So yeah, for those who have who might have thought I never feel bad about my body. That's not true. It's not true. Now, I might have a bad body image once or twice a year, depending on what happens in the year. Maybe more, maybe less. You know, it's just not really it's not it's just not really a thing. I don't really think about my body that much. And an exploring why I am feeling like that today. It's just exploring it has has made a difference and getting ready for this podcast. I thought you know what, I'm going to run a comb through my hair. I am going to pull around a bit of lippy that has made me feel better and I can and all my hair still a bit shaved but then I think you know what, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna I'm sweating pants. And after I've recorded this, I don't know why. I didn't just do it right now. But anyway, because you know, I'm embracing sweating pants a little bit more. If you hear that noise in the background. That's Google. Google my dog groaning on the floor. Excuse me, Google. Such attention seeking it's not about you, Google. It's about me God. Anyway. So explore. If you have bad body image, it's not about you. It is about something else is happening. Probably. And yeah, I was saying I feel felt a bit I feel a bit better. Now. I've explored it. I'm, I've said you know what all of that shame and shitness I felt after the documentary came out, was not mine to feel I hadn't let the fat positive community down. I've done something that was very difficult living in a house with raging fat phobes for 10 days. Whoa, Nelly. Was it 10 days it was it was days it was days, it wasn't minutes. And you know, I didn't roundhouse kick them in the face when they were spewing all their fat phobic garbage, you know, and they had to make interesting telly. And so they picked out some things that might be interesting and might be controversial. And we all got on pretty well. And so they had to kind of manufacture a few things, arguments that didn't happen. And that's fine, whatever. It's not about me, it's not about me. How people perceive me doesn't change my worth as a human being. And so yeah, so that, that email kind of triggering all that stuff up. I can just say, You know what, it's not about me. It's not about me. It's not about my body even it's not about my body.
It's about me wanting to fit in and belong and for people to like me and not think that I'm a complete, dickhead. Yeah. So it's not about me, so I'm just gonna let it go. You know, it's not about me, it's not about my body. So this is last episode about the weight loss surgery or whatever you want. The episode hasn't come out yet. But I shared on Instagram the stats that I had uncovered in my research. And that post has really resonated with a lot of people and there have been many comments from people and many DMS from people sharing their experiences with surgery. And so I want to share with you what people have told me. After reading the stats about the surgery, I just want to give a trigger warning here to skip ahead in the show notes, it'll tell you a way to skip ahead if you don't want to hear people's experiences of the surgery. And what we're what I'm going to be mentioning is negative consequences of the surgery. Death, and there might be suicide and mention of suicide in there. Yeah, but if any of that if you don't want to hear that, because it's pretty tough. Then look at the show notes and it'll tell you where to skip ahead to to miss it. Okay, so here are some comments, you can see these comments if you go on to my Instagram First off, fatty. So here we go. Here's the first one. I was almost 19 When I had lap band surgery, I'm going to recollect if there's any spelling mistakes because of AutoCorrect. I had lap band surgery, I would do almost anything if I could go back and tell that girl I know what I know now. And she says that she is X amount of pounds. Now over her starting weight. I spent the better part of a year not keeping food down and simultaneously aspiring in my sleep for the cost of being thin. My band has been quote unquote, emptied, but now would cost $20,000 to have it removed even though it is still a danger to my body just being there. I take it all back if I could. Next this is one which is a DM that I got. And it says thank you for your post on weight loss surgery. My mom had weight loss surgery when I was young. A few years later, she began to suffer from a serious addictions, with the worst being alcohol. She had multiple suicide scares and attempts. She suffered mentally for so many years. She spent a month in one of the best alcohol rehabs in the country, and years in AAA, all to no avail. She went through periods of severe malnourishment and her clothing fluctuated between eight different sizes over the course of two decades. I ultimately lost her in 2017 after an injury related to alcohol intoxication. Her autopsy showed multi organ failure and dementia at the age of 58. Due to fat phobia and weight loss surgery, I do not have a mum here on Earth. And then this person sent two photos of the mum, one when they were younger before the surgery and one older, and the younger one is an happy smiling fat woman. And the second one is a smaller person. And this person says I never saw her as any different in these photos. Thanks again. Next one. Thank you for this. I had VSG surgery a year and a half ago, I've regained a significant portion of the weight I quote unquote lost and feel like a failure. Even though I know the stats, I'm trying to get to a place where I'm making healthy choices for my body without all the diet culture slash fat phobia bullshit, but the struggle is real. Next, I recently lost a friend from complications of this surgery which was pushed on her by her parents, doctors society, her six year old now has no mother. It feels like murder. Next, I had GB gastric band in 2011. And my weight is now the same as before the surgery. No follow up from the hospital. Now I have to live with pain they can't explain. From time to time I had R NY r and Y is a form of bypass and stomach amputation combined. I think from the top of my head.
So I had RMI and gained most of it back and then and I'm now trying to embrace my body. I have so many conflicting emotions, guilt for what I did, what I didn't do where I am now. I'm trying to discover how to be healthy without dieting. I don't know where I belong, quite frankly. Next, I have had two failed gastric bands. I'm awaiting getting it removed. I live in pain every day is ridiculous I ever underwent the surgery in the first place. And finally, I had one comment from someone who didn't have a bad experience and in the interest of fairness, I want you to read this comment because not everyone When you have a surgery is going to die, have complications and not lose weight there is there are the unicorns who have a good experience. And so here is someone I had V S G. While I did not lose all my weight, I 100% do not regret my surgery. Is it hard? Hell, yes. It's hard as hell and not an easy way out. But I would do it again in a heartbeat. It has also made me take steps to fix my eating, fix my relationship with food and fix the way I see myself. It's such a personal journey. We can also have weight loss surgery and still be body positive and still be proud of our bodies pre and post surgery. So that was someone who doesn't regret the surgery. As to you can still be body positive and have the surgery. Technically, no, you can't because body positivity is a political movement trying to increase rights of fat people and this surgery is killing fat people maiming fat people, amputating fat people's stomachs, all in the name of a cosmetic procedure that Linda Bacon says is disease promoting. And most people don't become thin. People are having a big big response. Actually, someone who was it, someone who's got a really big account, shared my thing. And she has got She said she's got five people say at least five people say to her I was considering the surgery. And now I'm not going to do it. And she messaged me saying you have potentially saved five lives and I thought, oh shit. Yeah, like that could? Yeah, getting this message out there could save lives. I hadn't even thought about that. Yeah, if you want to share that, that post, go to my social media, it's good. It's like a handy, like it's a four page post with all of the stats. And that quote from Linda Bacon about it being a disease promoting cosmetic surgery, at best is what they say.
So go. So do that on social media. It's the images off some clouds, and a search bar that says stats on weight loss surgery, you'll find it you'll find it, it'll be good. So share that. Okay, so today we're talking about do you have seasonal body shame. So what are we going to be covering is what is seasonal body shame, the effects of having seasonal body shame, what it looks like year round and discover if you have one season or four seasons of body shame, and also how to over commit. Now a reminder that I have a free Facebook community first party friends. And I would love to see you in there. Join the party and remember to answer the questions to get in. We have to reject people every week, because they don't answer the questions. And if you've if you've requested and forgot to answer the questions because it's easy to press a button and not realize you can go back to the group and, and recruit and fill out the questions again. So you can do that. So are you ready? Are you ready? I'm ready. Are you ready? Okay, great. We're ready. So the reason why I wanted to talk about this is because in the northern hemisphere, I'll be talking about seasons for the northern hemisphere. It is it isn't the end of summer, it's almost the end of summer in like a week, it's the end of summer. And we're going into autumn or fall if you're not an autumn word user. And I was thinking Oh, isn't it so nice that so many fat people are moving out of this season which is is sometimes super traumatic for us for fat people because the season being summer because a lot of the times summer because of the heat means that you are exposed to situations where you might have to show more of your body and it might be socially expected of you to wear a swimsuit or to wear clothes that are cooler. And that that feeling of should I show my body and feel uncomfortable because I don't like my body or should I stay with clothes on and sweat my tits off and be uncomfortable and also people saying you're not hot and and responding. I did this so many times while wiping sweat from my brow and My upper lip being like, Nah, I know how I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm a bit cold Do you have? Do you have a hat I can wear. Because I didn't want people to know that I was wearing a hoodie, because I didn't like my body. Right? So anyway, so okay, it's cool that we're moving out of that season, and a lot of fat people are gonna feel a bit better. But then I thought, Is it is it because as we move into the other seasons, there's loads of
events, that could mean that you feel bad about your body then as well. It's not just summer. So when I talk about seasonal body shame, this is something that I've made up. And what I mean by seasonal body shame is that as we move through the seasons, are you feeling shame about your body? Because Oh, my God, it's summer, and I have to wear these things. And it's really stressful for me. Is it just summer that you feel stressed about? Or is it autumn? Is it winter? Is it spring? Is it the rainy season? Wherever, wherever you are? And you might be thinking, yeah, no, it's just summer. But I want to read out I want to share with you the different ways that I've come up with in my gorgeous noggin that have in the past triggered me a lot and made me feel a lot of shame about my body. Because it's so obviously, the having to wear a swimsuit one is so obvious. And FYI, there's something that I do a lot is wear a bikini, you wear a swimsuit, go dancing around like a sweat. And that for a lot of people that is the epitome of confidence. But for me, it it, it is for me, in some ways, in some ways not. But for everyone, it's different, like their expression of confidence is different. And so in the summer, if you're like, I don't want to wear a bikini, but actually you know what, I feel fine about my body. I just don't want to express myself wearing a bikini. That's fine. Okay, so just an FYI. Everyone is different. So if you're not doing these things, just because you don't want to do them, then it's not that you're not confident if you're doing it because you know, you really want to wear a bikini and it's your dream, and you don't want to do it because you have a fat body and you think it's bad. Well, then that would be seasonal body shame. Right? Right. Right, right. So again, apologies. It's northern hemisphere, I'm talking about most of my audiences in the northern hemisphere, I'm in the northern hemisphere. So yeah, that's what I'm talking about. But you know, just switch it around in your brain if you're not in the northern hemisphere. But it's bizarre, right? When you see people in Australia at Christmas on the beach, in Santa hats, and you think what, no, you're doing it wrong. And for people who live in Southern Hemisphere, that is like the epitome of Christmas. Whereas, you know, a lot of the world think snow and cold and all that type of stuff. Isn't it funny? So funny. Anyway, okay. So in the northern hemisphere summer is from June, one to August 31st. And so some things that could happen in this season, that could trigger seasonal body shame, are as follows. And in your head, think, yeah, yeah, that's me. Yeah. You know, or no. And I may add on to what you're talking about the Torah. So first thing that came up for me is in the summer, we'll do things like have a family vacation, say we I mean, you, I don't have family, I'm a Maha, and I'm single guide, or single vacation. So a family vacation, or a family holiday. And so some things that could pop up for you. There are the one I just mentioned, not wanting to wear a swimsuit, not wanting to go into the pool, or going into the pool at times where you know, there's less people or at nighttime, or wearing a cover up until the very last moments before you jump into the pool. And then as soon as you get out the pool, like grab a towel, so no one can see an entry of your body. So that you know, is that something that resonates with you? Is that something that you do? What about wearing a swimsuit, and then posing in a picture for it say posing in a picture with your kids, you're all swimming, and someone says get in a picture with them? Would you hesitate to do that? Would that be like oh no all you'd have to put a cover up on or you wouldn't even be in the picture because you don't want memories of what you looked like in that swimsuit if you're even wearing one. Maybe how you feel about your body influences where you go. Maybe somewhere closer to home somewhere that is more familiar, so you know what to expect. So you know, okay, there's not going to be loads of straight size P people in, you know, thumb bikinis topless, making out with each other or something. Because if you saw that that would be really difficult. And that would trigger body shame for you. Now what about if you went on a tropical holiday, you know, like a, or you can eat, you know, drinks included, activities included fun vacation, I know, maybe with your partner or something or on your own.
The last holiday that I went on was on my own, I went to Mexico on my own for about 10 days. That was pretty cool. And there was only a couple of times that I felt weird. But the rest of the time I was like, like me being on holiday. Oh, my iron. Anyway, so tropical holiday. Now, a big thing for people is going on holiday and then saying, well, because I'm on holiday, I'm allowed to eat food. And yes, absolutely 1,000% You're allowed to eat food. But what they normally do is not eat enough food beforehand. And so because they're giving themselves permission, they will eat food and drink, maybe drink alcohol or drink, you know, delicious cocktails or whatever. And then when they come home, they regret it. They shouldn't. And you know, they should be drinking and eating all the time, you know, whatever your body wants and needs. But because they're in a restrictive cycle, even though they might not be dieting, because you don't have to be actively dieting to be still in that kind of diet culture, swing of restricting, then then binging and that when I say binging I mean, like eating more than what you are used to, or maybe more than what your body is used to. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. But when people experience that they experience, maybe trauma around it, they they get anxious about it, they feel bad because they've eaten more food than they normally would. And then they go back to that restrict, and you can't stay in restrict for long, you have to go back. It's like a swing, right. And the only way to get out of it is to stop restricting. Anyway. And so in on this tropical vacation, where it's all you can eat you might be like, Fuck it, you know, because you're on holiday, right? It's normal behavior. But then when you get back, you feel bad. And maybe you've weighed yourself and maybe you're like, Oh my God, I've put on weight. And that is difficult for you. What about all of the the amazing activities that they might provide are no going on an overload banana boats or going scuba diving? or going on a hike up a mountain? Is that something that will triggered body shame? I know for me, I would be like, Oh, if we're going on a boat, I'd be like, well, they're not going to have a life preserver and not life preserver, you know, the thing that was probably a life preserver thing, floatation device thing that you wear when you're just on a boat, I'd be like, well, they're not going to have one that fits me. And so I don't want to go and have the embarrassment of one that doesn't fit or one that's so tight that it's like two tiny little things on my giant body, you know, you know, kind of they kind of go and come down over your tears, you know. And whereas everyone else it looks quote unquote, normal, or scuba diving, being like, Well, absolutely, they won't have anything that fits me. And so I don't want to go through that embarrassment of being like, Oh, we have a size zero, is that going to work for you? Or if it's something physical, like going on a hike or going on a walk feeling like well, I don't want to keep up the group everyone's going to be faster and better and stronger. And I'm going to be really embarrassed because I'm going to have to take breaks or I'm not going to be the first in the pack. So just things like that come up for you. Now are you feeling shame around that now? And by the way, the difference now is that still places won't necessarily have my size or if they do it will be insanely tight. Or if there is a physical activity I might be slower An example is going kayaking with my my nieces who are who were teenagers. And you know, they're like, Oh, we've got loads of swimsuits, loads or swimsuits and they gave me like the biggest maybe one they gave me the the guidance that the boy the teenager was like yeah, this one will fit Yeah. And there was no changing rooms and and I put it on I put it on fucking backwards and it was to get it on it was just like, oh my god is what this is I got a fucking workout just trying to get this thing on. And, and so I got it on and then the guys like, oh, it's back to front and I'm like, Ah For fuck sake, and then I had to get someone to pull off, pull it off me because it was so hard and then I got it back on anyway then we got it back. But it was really tight, it was really tight.
And then when we went kayaking, the instructor had given me a version of the of the kayak, which is slightly more difficult to steer, because apparently they have like a little thing on the back, which makes it go in a straight line or not. And so my niece's both had ones with the thing and so they were like, going ahead, and I thought, you know, I'm gonna be pretty good at this, I'm, I'm, you know, my arm strength is pretty good. But I was like way behind them. And I didn't think, Oh, this is bad. They think that I'm unfit or lazy or whatever, I just thought, Oh, this is just what's happening. And it's no big deal. And they're having fun, and I'm having fun and I can't wait to jump in his water because this wetsuit is so fucking hot. And so it just wasn't a big deal. And so now without, you know, without our body shame, I can just go and do things. I'm not making it mean anything about me, you know, versus, say if they had that experience before, it would be mortifying, having to like take this swimsuit off. And by the way, I wasn't in a changing room because I was like, fuck it, I don't care. And then this whole, like busload of school kids had turned up. And so there's me like in if that person in my bikini, with someone pulling off this skintight, wet suit. So that would have been like a horror memory of like, oh my god, I remember that time where that like 30 school kids were like, staring at me and but now it's just not a big deal. Anyway, so that is tropical holiday, or that could be you know, any type of holiday. Now in the summer. Also, if you have children, maybe your children are off school, and maybe your children are off school because of the pandemic and you're like fucking get back to school, you bastards. know, normally in a year, maybe if the kids are off school, maybe I don't know. You might be running around with a more and doing activities, which could be something that is triggering bad body image. And as well, you could be distracted because of that. Because of bad body image. When you are spending time with your kids distracted because you're thinking I want them to see me in the best light or you're just thinking like what can I eat? What am I not allowed to eat and you're just destructive that this week someone posted in my first party friends group and she said that she is constantly worried about her double chin so much so that she's obviously doing things like in photos to disguise that her chin her double chin on Zoom when she's doing conference meetings doing things is this guy disguise her chin? But also in front of her kids. She said she's constantly trying to hide her double chin from her kids. Now, if you're anything like what I was like as a kid or if you have kids or anything like average kids, or if I think about my my nibbling Finley, he's three years old. He is like looking up in my face. 24/7 like, inspecting my teeth, looking inside my nostrils putting his fingers in my ear holes like he is all over me. And there's no no, he has not seen it. He knows what I look like, right? He knows what I look like. It's so funny. And I always show him pictures of different fat people because he wants to look at pictures of me on the internet. And anytime there's a fat person who's always like anti Tory or anti Tory or and I'm like yeah, oh, yeah. Cool. You recognize I'm fat. Anyway, side story. Anyway, another side story, my sister. She was in the car with him last week. And Lizzo those song Good as hell came on. And Finley my nephew. My nibbling said, this is Auntie Toria song. Because he remembered from like a year ago that I dance to this song is at the end of my TEDx talk. And I had showed it to him once once and a year ago. And he remembered that was bizarre I thought was bizarre. Kids are weird. Anyway. And so in the summer, your kids being home, is that something that triggers
body shame? Question mark. Now, most of my lessons are in the US of A and I was like, You know what? I know that you have some sort of holiday in the summer where you set off fireworks. I was like, Oh, there's one called Fourth of July. I, and then I was like, Oh, there's another one called Independence Day. I wonder what the difference is. If you're not like me, you'll be like, they're the same fucking thing. I had those do different things. But then I was like, Oh, this sounds like it's independence that yeah, it is in Independence Day. And so Google told me, Wikipedia tells me that on Fourth of July, Independence Day people is a cultural cultural norm, because I don't know what you do. You do fireworks, family reunions, concerts, barbecues, picnics, parades, baseball games. That sounds fun. But also, isn't it racists that holiday? I don't? I don't know. Anyway, clearly, I don't know anything about Fourth of July. So I'm presuming barbecues, picnics parades, Fourth of July is probably going to be hot. And so in those days when you're out in the public, engaging in these things? Will you be wearing a nice summer dress or some shorts or something to keep you nice and cool and something to keep you feeling good in the day? Or would you choose something to cover up more? What if you do wear a summer dress and you go walking and you get shoved Rob? Do you blame that on you? Are you like, Oh my God, look at me. I'm so fat. I get chub rub when so many people get shoved Rob streetside, people get shut up to you know, depending on the what the legs are doing. And so, are you blaming how your body behaves, and making it into something bad versus this is just what bodies do? Yeah, and are you uncomfortable wearing, you know, like, I would hoodie, jeans, again, woolly hat scarf, everything to cover myself up but versus wearing something that's cool and comfortable. So that's some of the things I thought of in the on the top of my head, but you could have other things happening, depending where you are in the world. Different holidays or celebrations or in various my birthday. Different things that that could be happening for you that that is a is a trigger for seasonal body shame. So let's move into autumn or fall. So autumn is from September 1. I thought it was later. Anyway, whatever. September 1 and November 30. Now, what happens in autumn, because I was like oh autumn, you know fat people, we can wrap up in our wooly jumpers and everything is great and fine. And you know, we feel good. Well, a few things that I thought about in autumn that could trigger body shame is the first thing I thought of is Halloween. Now, as a fat person, it is very hard to find a Halloween costume especially in the store. You know, you have up these all these pop up Halloween stores. I fucking love Halloween. It's so good. Are these pop up Halloween stores and they all have like the straight sizes and then you'll have if they have a plus size option, it will be plus size, one size fits all. Like that's not how sizes work, especially about blood size. And so in those moments, are you like, oh God, see, I'm so fat. I can't even like buy a costume. Why is it so hard for me. And then if you buy a costume online, if you you know, if you managed to do it in time, it's really expensive. And the costume will come and it will be absolute total shit. These costumes, right, they charge so much like some of them. I've seen it like $100 and it comes and it'll be like a piece of like, sellotape wrap to material that's like, as soon as toilet paper. And they're like, yeah, $100 and, yeah, and so then when you put it on your body, you know, it probably looks like shit. Unless it's, you know, a good one that you've managed to find. So then in that moment, are you blaming yourself because this costume looks like shit? Or are you like fucking hell this costume is shit. And it's not worth this or it's too small and and it's too small. They have misrepresented the size or are you or is it too small and you're blaming your body again?
And as well like as a fat person. I think a lot of fat people have to be a bit crafty especially like with Halloween because I actually know I did I bought a I bought a costume when I bought a costume a Dorothy from Wizard of Oz costume and I got like the platform glittery shoes and everything. It was fucking amazing. But that's the thing, the only costume I bought and I remember it was so We were expensive and I was new to Canada and I was like, Oh, this is how much shit costs in Canada like $5 billion for a Dorothy costume and shoes. Anyway, no, it shouldn't cost that much. But since then I have made all of my costumes because Halloween is a bigger thing in in North America than it is in the UK. So just an FYI my costumes in case you're curious. I've been Madonna. And you know the Madonna when she had the point you tickets. And so I got I went to like a thrift store and got all the different materials and stuff and I got like padding to put in the tips and the tickets. I made them like a meter long. And then they were on top of my tips which are already big and so they these giant pointy tips. It looks so good. It was so funny. I dressed as Dog the Bounty Hunters wife, I think her name was Beth. Again, I got I got balloons, put them under my tits, because she's got big tits. And so again, my tits were huge. I think I just like costumes that make my tits super huge. I think that's what it is. One time I was Edward Scissorhands. And again, I made the costume. I was an impulse jumper and made the costume again. I was a 90s person. And so I got like a fanny pack. And I made these you know, they used to have those baggy trousers, I got a skirt and like kind of sold it and then made a top and blah, blah, blah. I won Best Costume for my outfit. It was really good. So are any of those things, any of those things about Halloween triggering for you? Now, in autumn as well is Thanksgiving for those who celebrate Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is in November in the States and in Canada. I think it's in October. It's earlier anyway. So Thanksgiving is should you go home to celebrate with family and have the risk of people commenting on your body have a risk of commenting on what you eat what you wear. And you might not have seen your family the whole year. And this is the first time you've seen them since Christmas maybe and who's going to be there they're going to talk shit about fat people or they're going to be talking about their new diet or whatever, whatever. And so that could be triggering for seasonal body shame. Now let's move into all winter. So winter December 1 to February 28 I think these dates are right they seem to like on the nose you know the beginning of the month. I think these are kind of general so don't don't set your calendars by these dates. I just googled it and this is what came up and now I'm looking at it I'm like I don't think these days are right. So December to the end of February is winter so the big one is Christmas and spending that extended time with your family and Christmas is more likely when the long lost family members come so aren't Mildred comes and is like oh Haven't you got fat and saying shit like that? Yeah, that's that's a good way to help people feel ashamed about their body and gift giving. And you know, maybe people buying clothes in the wrong size or people looking at what you're eating or buying you gifts of chocolate, but then being like, Oh, she loves chocolate she cipher or you know, things like that. All sorts of fuckery goes on around Christmas, all sorts of things that will trigger bad body image. And it's not your fault by the way, it's not your fault that their shit happens. Now for me just like on the flip flop flip side, so you know what the difference is for when you don't have body shame? Is the if I see a long lost relative, I'm just like literally today along a cousin of mine. So remember, I have can't remember a billion cousins. 4555. Remember how many they say 45? One of my cousins who is he's 22. So I hadn't seen him since he was about six. So this cousin came over because I'm in Ireland. And so this is kind of like the hub for all the family comes and this cousin came over. And before I would always just be like feel embarrassed and think, Oh, they're judging me because I'm fat. They think Oh, look how fat she is. And especially because he's like a 22 year old Old guy, I'd be thinking, Oh, he's just like, Oh, she's gross. And all my cousins are embarrassing. He was out with his girlfriend.
And it would be a trigger. Whereas today, I was just like, Oh, come on in what you doing? What's going on where you go in? chatting about stuff? No big deal. See you later had my lunch Off you go, no problem. And of course, you know, he didn't come on come in and say, Well, look at Yeah, you've got fat. But if that had happened, then, you know, I would have been like, whoa, you've turned into a deck, you know? So, but then there are some older family members that think it's it's okay to talk about what you look like. What are you doing in your life? Have you got married and have kids and all that type of shit, which is, yeah, can be triggering. So as well around the Christmas time, the holidays around the holidays? What is their a holiday work party, this would be a big one for me. Holiday work party. And so my holiday work party would be fine. But if I had a partner at the time, and they had a holiday work party, I would be really nervous about it. Because so my last partner, he was this hunky scientist, because I used to always date very stereotypically attractive people. He kind of looks, it kind of looks like a more hunky version of that guy. Dexter, he was in Six Feet Under as well. You know, I mean, you know, the Dexter, the serial killer. What is his name? His name is something three, what three letters or something. Anyway, whatever. He kind of like that. But like, even, you know, hunkiest sort of thing. And me looking at me, I'd be like, well, he's very charitable to be dating me. He's clearly such a God, good guy. To date a fat person. This is like his charitable work for the year. So anytime that I was with this guy for six years, my last partner, so anytime it was a work Christmas party, I would be like, try and make myself look as good as humanly possible because I didn't want his colleagues to be like, Oh, why is he with her? We know he's got a fat girl for eight grams. I want them to be like, Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, your girlfriend so hard, you know, or something like that. Just now I'm just like, oh, fuck that like you guys. But as well with that boyfriend. There was this one girl that he worked closely with. And he would talk about her a lot. And when I saw them with each other at the Christmas parties, I always kind of had like a, an off feeling about it. Like, I always felt kind of a little bit jealous or something. Anyway, after we broke up that within I don't know, six months, maybe he started dating. I think he's still dating her now like years later. And I'm like, Huh? Well, my suspicion slow. Probably. I was probably I'd probably right there somewhere. I don't, I don't think he cheated on me. But still, you know, this, that that added another layer because I thought about her coming, being at the Christmas party and being like, well, I have to be prettier than her, because I have a suspicion about something. But after a while, because I was with him for years. After a while I felt like I was quote unquote better than her because one Christmas party. We I was the designated driver and she had drunk too much. And in the middle of the highway, she opened the door and like threw up everywhere and I was just like, yeah, you're gonna be embarrassed by that and, and I was like, shut the door. We're gonna die. And so I was like, I'm more responsible than you. So I so I got a boost of self esteem because she threw up in my car. So she didn't throw up in the car. But she opened the door but still. Yeah, she probably didn't even remember that happened. And I was just like, Yeah, I'm so much better than you. When I've thrown up in cars, loads in my time so
yeah, so carrying on with winter. The winter is a big bit of a doozy. We've got the new year, new year new you bullshit. So this is a big time for people going on diets. People starting gym memberships, and we all know you know what is the date by like the 14th of January, people have quit their diets and they go to the gym once and never go again. And so there is a lot of body shame and guilt. Yeah, that goes in with starting these diets and starting the gym memberships, because they're not coming from a place of Do you know what I feel really good about myself and really good about my body. And so I just want to go to the gym and stuff like that it's, it's more likely, it's like, I feel like a piece of shit. I've eaten food over the holidays, and I've put on weight. And therefore I need to lose weight. Now it's not people don't always put weight on over the holidays, I, I have a theory, I don't have any data to back this up. But the intuitive eaters there are weights are pretty stable throughout the year. But people who are on the diet roller coaster, they'll, like I mentioned with the, you know, going on holiday and having all you can eat stuff. They'll be like, Oh my god, this is amazing, because they're allowing themselves in the holiday times allowing themselves because it's a quote unquote, special occasion to eat food, and then they feel guilty. And so they might then temporarily lose weight, then in January, and then something else might come up, you know, they're a human being, and they need to eat food, and they might put weight back on and etc, etc. And so, that whole kind of everything being about food at the holiday times. For me as an intuitive eater. I'm just like, yeah, the food is nice, but you know, whatever. The food is nice all year round. And yeah, there's like nice, you know, memories around certain smells, and, you know, maybe cookies, baking and things like that. But I don't feel this kind of desperate, like, Oh my God, I need it. I'm just like, Yeah, I can take it or leave it. Because I know that I can have cookies year round or I can have eggnog not that either. Not that I drink eggnog. It's fucking disgusting. But theoretically, I could have eggnog all year round. Maybe I couldn't. Maybe I could eat probably like find it on Amazon or something. But anyway. So that is a big trigger the new year for seasonal body shame. Now, winter ending the end of February. Something that happens in February is Valentine's Day. So Valentine's Day is a big word. So a lot of people they feel sad if they don't have a partner on everyone, obviously. But you you might feel that if you don't have a partner, it's because you're too unattractive because you're fat. You're too unlovable because you're fat is too hard to date because you're fat. I mean, it's hard today, like it is hard today. I'm currently trying today, and I'm just like most of the time, I'm just like, oh, fuck it, I'll just fucking stay I'll stay alone. I don't care is bullshit. And so you might have all of these things this kind of shame around why you don't have a partner and making it that it's because you're bad because of your body? Or if you do have a partner, are you concerned that they are like, Oh, you've put on way I'm gonna I'm gonna leave you or, or thinking like, I thought about my partner, they're so charitable to be with me. And so you make an extra special effort on Valentine's Day because they're so kind to be with someone like you. Bullshit. So yeah, Valentine's Day can be a difficult one as well. Now all final season is spring, spring is March 1 to May 31. So something that happens in Spring is in the USA, ninth of May, is Mother's Day. Father's Day is 28th of June. We also have things like trans Parents Day and non binary Parents Day. And depending on the country, they're all kind of spread out through the year, but us Mother's Day is in May. And so a parent or a primary caregivers a day to celebrate them can be tricky for a lot of people. Because your parent or caregiver might have been a massive knob. There might have been good or great that that's wonderful. Good. That's great. But so my dad so when it came to Father's Day for my dad, when I was a lot young, younger. When he was like he, he was dealing with cirrhosis of the liver and going undergoing a transplant and, and
he was addicted, my mom and all that type of stuff. And I remember he loved getting hand drawn cards, and I loved art. And so I'd always draw on cards. And I remember on Father's Day, I made him a card and I put like hardly any effort in it and I just like drew it with a bio or something. And then I wrote from Victoria, and he spotted that and he's like You Have To Write Love on that love from when I remember then I put the love in afterwards. And he always kept all of our cards. And I remember seeing that card my seeing Seeing the added love because the Fromme was capitalized and it said like love capital from capital Victoria. And because I didn't want to give him a card because I was angry at him for being an alcoholic. I was angry at him for being addicted my mom and he was very domineering, and controlling, and all that type of stuff. And so, I didn't want to, but I had to, because, you know, if I didn't, then I would be in trouble if I can make them a card. Now, as I got older, and my dad is my dad died a few years ago, I, you know, I'd still would be, there'd be something about it, right? I'd be like, you know, well, you didn't you know, you technically you were my father. Did you as a kid, you really let me down, you became better as an adult, but there was always something there, right. And then towards the end of his life, I could appreciate that he had a ton of mental health issues and blah, blah, blah. Now, what about so do you have any type of relationship like that, which stems from being taught that your body is not okay? So with my dad, he my dad was was pretty neutral, and positive around foreigners. Whereas my mom would very be very, like, oh, being fat is bad, you are lazy, and things like that. She was good in so many other ways. And so I never felt begrudge to give her a Mother's Day card or or celebrate her because she was, she tried her best. And I'm having mental health issues as well. But that is not the case for a lot of people. And so when it comes to these days, it can be very triggering, and make you feel angry about how you were raised. And also, if you have kids, perhaps these days where parents are celebrated, you feel guilty, because you know that you are passing on bad body image to your kids, if you yourself have bad body image because it's, you know, it happens through osmosis. You can't kids, kids are smart man, you remember that had me tell you about Finley one time hearing that song and then saying is I'll do some Whoa, kids are smart. And they remember things. So another thing in Easter in spring is Easter. Now Easter can be again, another one that kind of triggers memories of, of what you were allowed as a kid and what you have access to as a kid. And did you have chocolate? Or were your siblings allowed chocolate and you weren't allowed chocolate? Because you were the fat kid? Or is there a lot of joy around Easter? Is there the feeling of if you have chocolate in your house, around Easter, feeling out of control? And and because if you're in that diet cycle, still having access to these chocolates and then being like feeling desperate to eat them and feeling like what's wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with you, you need to eat the chocolate. And so what body image stuff comes up around Easter for you. Now,
something that happens a lot around different areas in the world. In February, February 20. Around that time, is carnival slash Mardi Gras. So this happens in in New Orleans, in Europe in South America doesn't happen and actually does happen. It does happen in the UK in like in Birmingham and London. There'll be Mardi Gras festivals. I'm not sure if it's in February, but maybe it is I don't know if there's a certain date for it. But anyway, Mardi Gras in February. And so Mardi Gras is there's a lot of people in amazing costumes and a lot of people in you know like bras and small underwear and showing a lot of off skin. Now that could be I know there's a lot of people who are plus size who do it and it's amazing. But are there people there and you're watching them and they're straight size and feeling like oh my gosh, their body is better than my body. I feel ashamed of my body. Or if you had the opportunity to be in the carnival saying no, I don't want to I don't want to expose my body in that way, even though you would love that experience. So is that something that is triggering for you? So they are the kind of holidays that I thought up in my gorgeous brain for this different seasons. But there are things that happen all year round. So for example, your birthday. Now, your birthday could be something that is difficult for you. You could be feeling like oh my gosh, I'm getting older. And because I'm getting older, I'm less worried. The My body is getting quote unquote worse. I will never be as young and gorgeous as I used to be. It's all downhill from here. Or you might think Yeah, fuck yeah, it's my birthday. Whoa, I survived another year. You know, obviously, it's different for everyone. Or you could be with it as well, you were birthday, you could be taking stock of the year that was behind you and the year ahead of you, and making judgments about yourself and your body. Have you know, have you put on way and have you not done enough to be good in in whatever way good around food or good around moving your body or whatever. You know, it's kind of like something to take stock at the end of the year and and your birthday as well. As well parties, you're going to have parties throughout the year. And parties would be a big thing for me of what should I wear? What are other people wearing? Is it going to be more casual? Is it going to be more dressed up? Am I going to look good enough are going to be people going to be eating? Should I eat in front of the people? Because will they judge me? Because they're like, oh my god, there's a fat person eating food. Look at her. She's disgusting. So should I eat before I go? Or but I'm hungry? And should I drink because even if I drink then I might get hungry and eat food and then people will judge me. etc, etc, etc. Oh my god, it's exhausting. It's exhausting not liking your body? And what about work events? Feeling like you're you're not good enough. You're not dressed professionally enough. Feeling like, oh my god, you might get fired. I always thought I you know, I'm minutes away from being fired all the time. And how do I look? Do I look, especially as a fat person, it's hard to get professional clothes. And so far, people are accused of being unprofessional all the time. It's because of the clothes that we have available to us, especially people who are on the higher end of the fat spectrum, super fat Infini fat people as well hanging out with friends. And so doing those types of different types of activities. So I know going from brunch with friends and then picking a place where there's only like tiny stalls with armrests. And feeling like you don't want to say to your friends Oh, hey, by the way that seating is not good for me. And then so they're not going or, or not going because there was that one friend is going to be there who talks about diets and how she's so fat and horrible and, and all you do go and you have to listen to them talking about diets and maybe you join in because you want to be sociable. Maybe they're doing physical activities, and you're anxious because they don't understand that you might be slower or not. Or worried that they hear you being out of breath or not. Or just them judging you. And of course, you know, we have different friends and somewhere where we're ourselves with them we're absolutely close with but then there are other friends who were kinda like, we're not as close with or they knew or friends or their friend frenemies friends that we shouldn't really have in our lives.
Yeah, so is that something that is a thing for you? And what else what else is going on in your life that is a something that's recurring, something that comes around all the time, maybe something that's yearly, maybe something that's there's monthly or weekly even or daily, that is triggering for you. And so triggering for that, that that that shame that you have or you might have around your body? For me previously, when I didn't like my body my big triggers would be that summer seizing and me sweating my tits off being like, Fine, I'm not hot. Victoria, your your hair is soaked with sweat. Are you sure you're not Ha hoo, oh, hair gel? Well, you know, we're gonna bow. And as well, New Year, New Year, feeling like I want to be good. I just want to be good. I want to be thin. I want to be an athlete. And so I'm gonna start doing all these things. And they're not sustainable because weight loss was attached to them. And then, you know, I would stop doing them because it wasn't sustainable. And then I would feel like a big piece of shit. And family gatherings where I hadn't seen people in a while. And because living in Canada would mean that most people I wouldn't see in a while. And especially like older relatives who wouldn't follow me on social media. How dare they not follow me on social media. And so they hadn't seen what I looked like in you know, a few years and just being like, Oh, and there's a phrase around my family. I don't know if it's an Irish phrase, but it's around my family and people they say they see you and they say you looking well. And I would always every time I'd Whether you're looking well, I would, it wasn't something, they weren't saying, You look like a fat loser, they were saying You're looking well, but I would just here, I have assessed your body in the millisecond it took before me saying that I have assessed you. And I've made a judgment. And I'm saying, You look well, and you look well feels like, Oh, you're here, you know, versus if they really thought that I looked good, they'd like, you look good. You know, either way, I wouldn't want that judgment on my body. And so it'd be stressful for me. Yeah. So the reason why I wanted to talk about this subject is to show how body shame is not limited to one time of the year, you know, summertime. It's not a once in a year event, for most people, it's not, you know, just the holiday times. And then also in the summer, it is year round, it is month after month, week after week, day after day. And this is not even talking about the kind of low hum of discontent, that disliking your body, you know that low hum. Every day. disliking your body feels like constant, just just a pressure on your brain of, you know, catching yourself in the mirror and feeling like I don't look good. I should be thinner, I should stop eating. So my question is, how many times do we have to travel around the sun? Before really focusing on this stuff. Or saying to ourselves, there's more important stuff to focus on. This stuff, if we don't work on it, we be with us forever. And we've seen it on so many people who have shame around their body. It's an intergenerational thing that their caretaker, their parent, their mum, that the grandparents that aren't what or whoever has passed it down to them. And so this stuff is not like this is just gonna be less with one person, if one person hates themselves. That's it. That's the only one who's affected effects everyone around. And so if you think, Okay, well, maybe I if I live to 80 or 90, so 90 years, this will go on. But if you have children, or if you know, other people, then their lifetime could potentially be affected. And the people around them, I how many hundreds and 1000s of lives and years do we have to waste by feeling like we're not good enough, because
of you know, not having a partner on Valentine's Day or going to your work Christmas party and feeling like your partner is too attractive for you or whatever, whatever it is any of what any of the things I mentioned. This need to end here, this needs to end, you deserve to have a whole year, every single season with fun and joy and not constantly thinking that you're not okay. And even if it's not constant for you, even if it's just something that comes up once a day or once a week, that's still too much. You don't have to feel like that. Things can be different. There is another way to feel about yourself. So you just don't even have to think about it that much. And yes, there'll be times where something will happen. And you'll be like, don't feel so good today. But let that be something that is so infrequent that that'd be something that happens once every six months versus once every six days or every six minutes or whatever. You deserve to have that freedom away from shame. It's not your shame to feel Anyway, you've not done anything wrong. You're just trying to live life in your body. Your body is not wrong. It's the society that teaches you that you should be ashamed. And you know these events that happen that trigger that shame. And it's not yours, it's not yours to hold that shame is not yours to hold. So let it Ferrari. Kick it into the bin. You to into the sun as the kids say. I'm in touch with the kids. Yeah. Okay, so that is the end of our episode two do. I hope that it has been enlightening, enlightening in some ways and I'm I'm glad that I've hung out with you today because I'm feeling so much better about myself. And you know, life is good. It's all good. It's so good. And I hope that you know, you I hope you feel good after listening to, to these episodes and feel a little bit more fat positive versus fat negative. We don't want that. So, thanks for hanging out with me. I really appreciate you taking the time to spend with me. Reminder go hang out with me in my Facebook group 50 friends. Oh, and guess what? I started tic tock. Yes, yes, yes. And I've made two tic TOCs and I started with two followers when I put my first tic tock up. And now I have like 70 followers and my first video is got like 800 views. I don't know where I think Tiktok probably push out your first video so that you get like, so you're like, oh 800 views people like me. But yeah, if you're in Tik Tok, go for it. But if you're not, don't worry, because I also posted tic TOCs on the Instagram aground. Aha. All right. Okay, well, thanks for hanging out with me today and I'll see you in the next episode. Stay fierce fatty goodbye
thanks for listening to the episode and if you feel ready to get serious about this work and want to know when the doors open to fears fatti Academy which is my signature program, where I teach all about how to overcome your fat phobic believes and learn to love your fat body, then go to first fatty.com forward slash waitlist again, that is first fatty.com forward slash waitlist to get your name on the waitlist. For when first fatty Academy my signature program opens
