Learning to Trust Yourself After Trauma and cPTSD_7.10.23_mixdown

6:16PM Jul 9, 2023

Speakers:

Amy Hoyt

Leina Hoyt, MFT, MA

Keywords:

trauma

parents

love

talked

children

decisions

risk

internal family systems

inner critic

developed

nervous system

trusting

fear

universe

body

raised

life

problematic

put

year

Hi, Amy here. Are you feeling stuck or overwhelmed by things that pop up in your daily life. And perhaps these are because of past traumas or toxic stress? Have you tried traditional therapy and found that it wasn't enough? I know that was the case for me. That's why we developed the whole health lab. Mini trauma has put together a program that combines the latest research with proven methods to help you recover from trauma and move forward from these daily stressors and triggers. We use somatic therapy EMDR, cognitive behavioral therapy and internal family systems therapy. We use nervous system regulation, and many other tools so that we can combine the best methods that are identified in the research to help you recover without being completely overwhelmed. So you can work on trauma on your own pace, your own time. And still with the mentorship and support of a highly trained certified staff. That's us. No more waiting for appointments or sitting in traffic driving to see a therapist with our online program, the whole help lab. You can access it from anywhere, anytime, even on an app, visit mending trauma.com backslash whole health lab and learn more. Get your questions answered. We've got a Frequently Asked Questions section and sign up so that you can have this life changing program in your world today. Don't let your past hold you back any longer take control of your future and we can't wait to see you in the whole health lab. Welcome to the universe is your therapist. We are your hosts, Dr. Amy Hoyt and Lena Hoyt, we are sisters. Take a seat and let's dive into this week's episode.

Hi, welcome back. Today we're gonna dive in with why is it hard to take risks? So there's this dichotomy between trusting ourselves and not taking risks? And so we're going to try and talk through that today. Selena, why is it so hard to take risks?

I think it's really hard to say, Chris, because we have a natural brain reaction to perceived risk. And it's really hard for our brains to distinguish between healthy risk and unhealthy risk. Also, we are all raised by human parents who are wanting the best for us. And they are afraid that when we make decisions, we may end up somewhere that we can't extract ourselves from or in a really terrible situation. And so our whole lives we grow up hearing, are you sure what about this, I don't think you should do that. And we have that add to our natural reticence in our autonomic nervous system to be careful. And then it becomes extremely difficult to distinguish between a healthy risk and a not healthy risk and we become more and more paralyzed.

Okay, I think that's such a great explanation. I'm also aware that there is a mind body split that often occurs when we have had any sort of traumatic experience. And my experience growing up is that once that trauma occurred, when I was quite young, I was unable to trust my physical bodily sensations, or what we would call our gut feelings until I was able to start healing. And so I think that cognitively we our parents are constantly trying to mitigate risk for us. And then physically, what is also going on is because we are raised by human parents in a human environment, we've probably had some trauma, maybe micro trauma, maybe major trauma, but we've also experienced a kind of a mind body split, where we're not trusting our gut instincts. And so that can reinforce those messages kind of reinforce each other. Or rather, we're not allowing the messages to come into our mind that we're getting from our physical body. So it works together to kind of keep us unnecessarily safe, because there is safety that is needed. And then there is safety that is just too much

having a situation in which we are so worried and afraid and paralyzed by decision making because we are anticipating horrible outcomes or situations leads us to live in a smaller and smaller life. And your point about the mind body split is really profound because when we've had trauma and when we have been raised in an environment where the parents are so invested in making sure that we don't miss step in any way the nervous system is always on hyper alert and so we cannot be still enough to pay attention. into our body and to our gut feelings and our gut reactions. And instead, we are hyper aroused most of the time. And we can't actually know what's happening in our body until we can calm our nervous system down.

And I'm also aware that for most of us, our parents have also had trauma that hasn't been resolved, particularly because the field of trauma is so new. And when it was developed, it was mainly around PTSD for war vets. And so if you had a parent that had trauma, but it wasn't from war, there was actually no conversation or public dialogue about it, it was just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, or get over it, work through it, but not in a way that was necessarily re engaging the mind and body. And so you have generations of parents who have a mind body split, who are raising children. And not only do they have unresolved trauma, but they're not paying attention to their gut feelings. And so their fear is running their dialogue and their stories, right. So I think this is one way that generational trauma affects family dynamics.

That's an excellent point. And it's all inadvertent. So all of you parents out there, please don't experience a lot of distress over this. This is we come by this naturally and unconsciously and subconsciously. And always, the intention is good to make sure that you have the best, greatest, most awesome life ever where nothing goes wrong. And it's impossible to do. And it limits our learning. And so if we were raised by parents who wanted only the best for us, and so we're constantly stepping in to double check our choices, we were left with a subconscious knowing that we can't trust ourselves. And again, that's from generations in the past, as well.

And I'm aware that even this past week, as you and I were speaking in a personal conversation, I was so hopeful that I hadn't been accidentally traumatizing my children during their childhood, which is still ongoing. And you very gently said, if you have human parents, you will have trauma. And I was so disappointed because I thought if I, again, it's this risk taking, right if I just parent correctly, if I if I heal my trauma, then I won't pass it on, I probably won't traumatize them, hopefully not in the same way, maybe it'll be less, I'm going to do better. And I think all those things can be true. And I still have blind spots. And I still have ways that I will be accidentally bringing some sort of either not giving them what they need, which can be traumatic or accidentally causing trauma. And so I love your shout out to parents that if you're listening to this, you're trying hard to better yourself anyways. And you're in a space where you are attending to your mental health and to the mental health of those around you just simply by choosing to listen to a podcast like this. So we applaud you for being here.

Absolutely. I was thinking about another conversation that we had with a friend of ours and how we were talking about the idea that we are human parents, and we're parenting human children. And I didn't say this out loud. But what occurred to me at the time was that because we have human children, they have their own narratives that they have developed that may have some error or some distortion in them. And so even if we are perfect parents, our children have their own belief system about how things should be. And in our family, we have noticed for years that our nieces and nephews and children and grandchildren have a lot of anxiety and anxiety tends to alter the way we perceive things. And so you can be an awesome parent and still have kids that are really impacted by something that we would not perceive as traumatic or upsetting.

That's an excellent point. Because I feel like it still validates the perspective of the child which is valid whether or not you have anxiety, the way you perceive is your reality. And we all perceive things less than 100% accurate because of the way we process and even in court. Eyewitness testimony is considered not as reliable because it can be subjective based on how you're processing the event. And while we still have eyewitness testimony in court, there is definitely more literature that discusses the problematic nature because of perceptual differences. So I think that's such a great point that you're making. Okay, so we've talked about how as parents we can use fear as a guiding tool, which can be problematic if we were raised like this, we Where does that leave us? Or if we're raising children, where could it lead them?

The most common thing that I've seen happen is because of our parents desire for us to have a better life than themselves, there is a tendency in their minds to project and anticipate the behavior at 12, or 15, or 17, into their 30s 40s and 50s. And that's extremely problematic because most of us are nothing like we were when we were 15. If we were this would be a disaster in our world, and being able to have love and hope and know that your child can continue to learn and grow by having low risk experiences that are learning opportunities by making mistakes, or by making a choice that doesn't turn out well. When we attend to our children in their disappointment in that situation without blaming them, or using any type of I told you so or I knew it, we help them become more confident in their skill set of learning from the choices they make. And that makes them less likely to be sleeping on your couch at 30. Not more likely to be sleeping on your couch at 30. But because we are afraid we oftentimes come in with criticism, and that criticism gets developed into their the child's inner critic voice. And that also is paralyzing.

Yes, and we have talked a little bit about the inner critic in previous episodes, and it can be so so damaging once we internalize that criticism, and I don't know. But I would guess even without parents who were overly critical, the inner critic can be such a strong part of us going back to the internal family systems theory that we've talked about before that that manager or that critic part develops, anyways, probably out of our limbic brain, and our prehistoric, you know, our old part of our brain that kept us alive from lions and bears, but we really don't need extra help from other people around us developing the inner critic.

Yes. And the inner critic is something that in my research, I've discovered is a way for, as you mentioned, internal family systems, it's a way for that manager part of us to make sure that nothing embarrassing ever happens, we don't ever put a step wrong, or a foot wrong, we are always tuned in to everything going on around us. So we always shine in every situation. And it's impossible. And it goes back to the flexible thinking we've been talking about. And we'll bring up again, in this skill set about how to understand that the horror in much of what we do is in our thinking about it afterwards, it's not in the actual behavior, most people are not going to remember the things we find so horrifying and embarrassing, we remember them. And then we add that into our inner critic, and it's litany of offenses.

That's a great point, I want to also go back to some of the fear mongering that we may or may not do as either parents or partners or friends. Because for those who are not raising children, I've seen this dynamic in friendships as well, what if this happens, what if that happens, and it certainly can come from a place of love, I am aware that it is possibly coming from a motivation of caring and loving for the person. And yet it is driven by fear. And I think one of the things I've been working on really hard the last few years is letting my decisions come from love. Not simply my statements, my criticisms, my relationships, but my actual decisions. And so once I start making decisions from love instead of fear, because to me, those are quite opposite emotions. And once I do that, and I lean into love, I am able to also do that with my loved ones and look at their decisions and what will bring them the most love and joy instead of what could go wrong. And so one thing I talk a lot about to parents is my own experience growing up. So as many of you know, I have a PhD, I have two master's degrees, a bachelor's and I didn't finish high school on time because I was in rehab. And I started out at a junior college and there's plenty of ways to come back from really hard things and bad decisions. And so, you know, for me, I do believe that my substance abuse and my addictions came from unresolved trauma of being sexually abused when I was young, and I was still able to recover. I did not have good grades. I did not graduate until a year after I was supposed to because I was living in a halfway house. All right. And so I also want to put that out there to parents. Is it ideal? No? Do we dream that we'll send our children to rehab and then learn that they had been abused unbeknownst to us? No, that is not ideal. And if something happens, where their decisions are not leading them down the path that you know is going to lead to their highest best life, there is always hope, there is always hope there is always change. And I feel like I am a testament to that

I want her percent agree. In fact, when I've talked to parents who are so hyper invested in their children's high school grades, because they're determined that their child will go to a excellent four year college, I have sometimes recounted the story of how you did not graduate from high school on time. And yet you have through your hard work, your healing journey and the support of people around you that you have become an expert in a very specific field of study and academia, and that your delayed high school graduation. And the reasons behind that actually have built you and your character and your healing and your determination in a way that easily going from high school to four year college to a master's to a doctorate would not have allowed.

Thank you. I appreciate that. And, and again, I have five children do I hope they ended up in rehab and have to go a harder route? No, none of us hope our loved ones have to go a harder route. But I think the point relating to this episode is that we don't want to use fear in our relationships, because it keeps people small. And it is an illusion of control. We cannot control the outcome. We cannot control other people, nor do we want to because they won't develop the skills to make decisions and have natural consequences.

And that inhibits growth, true growth, instead of acting from an expansive loving place, we are acting from a contracted fearful place. Okay, so

where do we go from here? I love the skill sets we talk about each week because I'm a very pragmatic person, and I like to actualize what I'm learning. So let's talk about the skill sets that we think will help people with mitigating some of these risks and living a big life.

Absolutely. The skill set that we're going to be talking about today is learning how to make decisions from love and not fear. And again, we have talked about this in previous episodes. In the most recent episode, we talked about using a flexible choice skill set, and how important that was. Amy, do you want to talk a little bit about what that

is? Sure, we briefly talked about how to change your mind. And we talked about kind of a cycle of making a decision by weighing the pros and cons committing to that decision, and then taking that decision to your higher power and giving still and listening listening to your higher power. However you feel that for me, it can be a feeling in my body, it can be a warmth, it can be almost a disorientation of what I'm asking about but listening. And then if we don't feel anything, and we're still not sure about our decision, choose the other decision, the opposite decision that you're working with. And you can have more than two, but let's say you've narrowed it down to two and repeat the process, take it to your higher power, listen to what you're being told and what you feel. And so that gives you the ability to change your mind before the the consequences of your choice are really

played out. And we've also talked about getting quiet and we love meditation for this the the ability to be still and to figure out how to check in with ourselves. And to calm our nervous system down is really imperative when we want to learn how to make a bigger, more beautiful, more joyful, loving life when we are able to find some meditation techniques that work for us. For me, it's a calm app, we are able to start practicing calming our nervous system down so that we can put our fear or our manager into a waiting room so to speak, and then just check in without that inner critic being a part of the conversation.

The other thing that is really helpful with mitigating risk is that reconnection of the mind and body and you talked about meditating, which is a great way to reconnect our mind and body and then this allows us to feel in our body a felt sense of where we're being directed and I believe that comes from a higher power from source from God the universe. There are so many names that people use but is a a power greater than ourselves and unknowing. That is me Much bigger than us and what we know. And it's a trusting that the universe, God and all in the universe are conspiring for our good. And so getting quiet, whether or not you're meditating and just seeing how your body feels about the thing you're thinking about, I think that's really

valuable. When we are able to calm our nervous system down, we have a much more direct connection with ourselves and with our own felt sense. And we have the ability to be more clear in our decision making and in any information that's coming from source or love, or the universe. And all of those things that we get, by becoming still in calm, provide a pathway or an opportunity to take a path that will allow us to have more joy and happiness in our lives.

I also want to bring up one more technique that we learned this week from our friend at the real intuitive. And Jennifer taught us a really neat technique that she uses where when she's making a decision or trying to figure out risk versus reward, she closes her eyes, and she imagines the choices in each hand. And by going through that process where she's closing her eyes, and you can do a prayer, you can do a meditation, you can just think about it. And then she'll actually start to kind of lean towards one of the sides of her hands one side, which helps her realize that her body has a sense of knowing, and I hadn't ever heard of that technique, but I love it. And so I want to put that out there as well, that there are many ways but any way you can find that will connect your mind and your body with your spirit. When you're making decisions and trying to assess risk accurately, I really don't think you can go wrong.

And I loved when Jennifer was talking about that. I thought that was brilliant. And it really incorporates what we're trying to do in the podcast, which is help people reconnect mind body spirit, and I thought it was a great way of addressing it.

Absolutely. Okay, just to recap, risks are hard, because they do keep us safe. And we want to make sure that we're not putting ourselves in any physical, sexual, emotional or spiritual danger. However, the brain often tries to keep us safer than we need. And that is why we are looking at how to kind of expand our ability to take risks and live a bigger life because we don't always have an accurate perception. Ultimately, when we involve our body and our felt senses coming from our higher power, or God or source, we are able to make decisions that even might seem risky with that knowing and that sense of peace.

I really appreciate that we've talked about this today, because I think this is an ongoing learning for all of us. One thing that I love is that we can learn to get better at doing this and understanding that our perception of risk probably has some error in it. And that we are capable of learning how to attend to ourselves and our bodies and our sense of source so that even though something may seem very risky, we still can have a felt sense of what would be the best way to go. And in addition to that, and we've talked about this before, even though we can get a sense of what decision to make, it doesn't always mean that's going to turn out well. Because if we're working for our higher good then source or higher power, or the universe or love will allow us to have experiences so we can grow. And the goal in this podcast is not to help you understand that you're going to take some healthy risks and everything will always turn out well. The goal of this podcast episode is that we learn how to combine these knowings these different parts of us including our spiritual part, and that we allow the universe order love to direct us for our higher best good in the future as well.

Thank you so much. Thank you for listening to the universe as your therapist this week. If you have any questions or looking for more information, you can find us at mending trauma on Instagram, as well as mending trauma.com Our website and if you're enjoying our content, we'd love it if you could rate review and subscribe to the show. We'll see you all next week.