Welcome to the mending trauma podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Amy Hoyt. And along with my sister Lena Hoyt, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, we want to help you recover from trauma. Whether it's childhood trauma, complex trauma, PTSD, or any other traumas sustained from abuse or narcissistic relationships. We want to help you develop skills and ways that can help you to recover from the symptoms and the effects of trauma. We are so glad you're here. Let's dive in. Hi, Amy here, are you feeling stuck or overwhelmed by things that pop up in your daily life. And perhaps these are because of past traumas or toxic stress? Have you tried traditional therapy and found that it wasn't enough? I know that was the case for me. That's why we developed the whole health lab. Mini trauma has put together a program that combines the latest research with proven methods to help you recover from trauma and move forward from these daily stressors and triggers. We use somatic therapy EMDR, cognitive behavioral therapy and internal family systems therapy. We use nervous system regulation, and many other tools so that we can combine the best methods that are identified in the research to help you recover without being completely overwhelmed. So you can work on trauma on your own pace, your own time. And still with the mentorship and support of a highly trained certified staff. That's us no more waiting for appointments, or sitting in traffic driving to see a therapist with our online program, the whole health lab, you can access it from anywhere, anytime, even on an app, visit mending trauma.com backslash whole health lab and learn more, get your questions answered. We've got a Frequently Asked Questions section, and sign up so that you can have this life changing program in your world today. Don't let your past hold you back any longer take control of your future. And we can't wait to see you in the whole health lab. Hi, everyone. Welcome back to another episode. This week, we're going to be talking about trauma dumping what it is, and what to do if you find yourself accidentally trauma dumping. Okay, so trauma dumping is actually where we're sharing strong, intense emotions or difficult experiences, usually at a phase in the relationship that really doesn't support this. So we are oversharing. And this is really tied to a lack of emotional boundaries. When we have relationships, we have to have a foundation in order to share really intimate and big experiences with people in order for it to kind of match the level of the relationship. So trauma dumping can be expressing overwhelming emotions or facts, details at inappropriate times, or in a relationship that's really not prepared for it. We want to be clear that trauma dumping is not sharing with someone a challenge or a difficult experience in a friendship or a relationship that has that foundation that has that good balance of give and take. And trauma dumping is not sharing a past experience at an appropriate time with the appropriate person. So just telling someone about your past trauma does not mean it's trauma dumping, we want to and we're going to clarify that throughout the episode. But we want to be clear, there is a difference here. It's really about building emotional boundaries and aligning those boundaries with the type of relationship that you have with the person you're speaking to. So what Lena and I have noticed is we've seen an increase in this type of behavior, this type of trauma dumping. And you know, if you're on social media or online, you can see that this phrase is used a lot. So Lena, why do you think we're seeing more and more either information or kind of awareness about trauma dumping? Well, I
think it's happening more frequently now. And I think a lot of that has to do with the lack of connection that we feel with each other. And I think about the world, especially post pandemic, and how truly isolated and distanced we were from each other, including emotionally that I think about so many people. I see so much of it in the younger people that I'm working with right now. And there's this drive and yearning for connection and relationship. But there's not a healthy set of Emotional boundaries that helps them understand how to, in your words pace, a relationship or a friendship. And so there's this sense of urgency that we have. And that creates a lot of information sharing in abrupt or intense
ways. Yeah, I think that's a really, really important point. The other thing I'm thinking of is that there has become a heightened awareness of, of the fact that people have trauma. And trauma has now kind of been elevated to not necessarily common knowledge, but it's, it's pretty out there right now. And with that comes, I think, a lot of self discovery and awareness that Oh, my goodness, I think I've had trauma, that experience was traumatic. And so we also see an uptick in people sharing things that maybe were normalized for them. Because they're now realizing, Oh, that wasn't optimal, or, you know, just because it's normal in our family doesn't mean it was okay. So I think we have that going on as well. And then going back to what you were saying about kind of forcing a connection, if you will, I know it's subconscious. And I can remember when I was younger, it would have been after I got sober. But before I had done really enough healing of my own trauma, I can remember trying to figure out how to talk to friends, even new friends about who I was, because it was such a part of who I was, that sometimes I would overshare without laying the foundation of the friendship. And what would happen is I would overshare which now, you know, because it was traumatic experiences, we understand that as trauma dumping. And then, as the relationship would progress, because it wasn't necessarily a long and deep relationship. At the time of my sharing, I would start to notice, oh, wow, maybe I over shared this. Now it doesn't feel good. I don't feel safe with all the information I gave them. And so I had to learn through basically building boundaries, how to share in a really measured way, until I chose to open myself up more.
Yes, I remember, I remember talking to one of my therapists about this, about 15 years ago, and she talked to me about it's like you're, you don't have this emotional sense of boundary. And so in a physical analogy might be that you're walking down a street that's dark, and somebody is behind you. And instead of like being aware of the pace and where you are, and where there's light up ahead, you turn around and you give him a hug. Right. Right.
Awesome example.
So good. Yeah. Because it's, it's the emotional equivalent of doing that. And the drive for connection is so powerful. And there are so many of us who are missing that right now. And perhaps one of the reasons I see it so much in my younger clients, you know, later teenage years, early adult years is because after the pandemic, which was so disruptive to their, their social experience, and their ability to maintain friendships, like nobody knew how to do it. Yeah, even the adults struggled. Yeah. And so it makes perfect sense to me, that after this shared worldwide trauma, where you're feeling less connected and having more drive for connection, yeah.
Well, I saw an article a couple of weeks ago about the crisis in America over friendships that people are lonelier than ever struggling to have friendships that are meaningful. And I think a lot of this is from the pandemic. I think it's also from living in a highly over productive culture, that prioritizes productivity and monetary gain over relationships in a lot of ways.
Absolutely. We do live in a large culture that emphasizes the end result that emphasizes outcome. And that has supported this drive towards a sense of a strong sense of self, through productivity through accomplishment and through successful and result kind of things.
Yeah, you know, the other thing we have talked about before, just between the two of us is one of the hallmarks of trauma is becoming desensitized to what's appropriate and inappropriate or normative. And so if you're, you know, growing up, and your family dynamic was a certain way, that's your norm. And you don't understand that it's problematic until you leave the family. And you start to kind of explore on your own other relationships and, and see what, what's helpful, what's not, and what's normative. And so when we talk about trauma dumping, one of the other things to be aware of is that sometimes our trauma has become our norm. And so when we are sharing with other people, we don't even realize that it's completely out of the norm. And that it might be actually too much information for someone, just because they, you know, are more, I don't want to say sensitive in a critical way, but they are more sensitive to the issues that you may be talking about. And one of the examples that I was thinking of is early on in your career, you were working with juvenile sex offenders. And it was, you know, like the first 10 years of your career, right. And we would have family dinner every Sunday with our entire family. And I remember during this time, that sometimes you would say something, never, you know, breaching confidentiality, but just make reference to something about the work you do that I would get this like deep pit in my stomach, almost like a sick feeling. And I remember, the first few times it happened, I was just kind of assessing silently, like, oh, man, that just, I am so uncomfortable. And so you weren't trauma dumping about yourself. And you were I wouldn't even been considered necessarily a full on trauma dump. But it was so normative to you that you would make comments. And it was so uncomfortable for me. And so I remember talking to you, eventually and saying I can't handle that information. Or it's too upsetting for me. Now, I understand it was a trigger. Right, right, because it was transporting me back to my own abuse. And it was a form of oversharing or trauma, dumping, not of your own trauma, but just kind of trauma in general. And so I was thinking about that as we were preparing for the episode.
Yes. And I love that example. Because I was immersed in this work culture, where I was hearing really terrible things all the time. And I wasn't coming home and sharing, you know, ghastly details. But it was just part of my language of what I was living in my life. And I really appreciate that you were able to pull me aside. And you actually had to do this a few times. Because I, I was so initially evil. Exactly. And so I really appreciate you sharing how uncomfortable it was for you, and then reminded me as I forgot, because that really helped me maintain a relationship of respect and love with you, instead of us being quiet about it, and it driving a wedge in our relationship.
Yeah, thank you. And you were very responsive. And we, you know, we learn through repetition. So if you know you're listening to this episode, and you have already set emotional boundaries with someone, Lena just gave a great example that when people crossed the emotional boundary that we've set with them, sometimes it's not intentional. And sometimes we just have to go back and be like, hey, remember, when we talked about this? This is really hard still, because we do learn through repetition. And that's, you know, those new neuro pathways need to be deepened. Right? So with with trauma dumping, if we find ourselves being the person who's accidentally trauma dumping, and I say accidental, because it is often done before we realize what's happening, how can we start to work on that set some boundaries for ourselves or catch ourselves before we start to get to that point where we're like, oh, my gosh, this is not the relationship. I wanted to share this in.
Right? Yes. Well, I think some of the action steps that we can take are before you share something. Well, first of all, we have to have awareness because if we're not aware that this is something that we in advance We do, then we can't even reflect on it. So we want to have awareness. And the best way to have awareness is without judgment. Because as soon as we start judging ourselves, we're in our fight or flight brain, and we actually can't take in information and make the changes that we want to. So before you share something, once you're aware that this might be happening, ask yourself, where are you in the relationship or assess the level of connection or current emotional intimacy in the current relationship? Okay, why am I sharing this information? Why am I sharing it right now? And why am I sharing it with this person. And then another really important piece, and this is really hard for us in America, because we've divorced ourselves so firmly from our body sensations is we want to be able to pay attention to our body, when we're with people. And when we start to be able to do that, we can then be more mindful of how we provide information, how much information we provide, when we provide it, that kind of thing. So that's one really important place to start.
Absolutely. And I'm, you know, remembering that every time I have trauma dumped or over shared, it's almost like the sick feeling, or the discomfort sensations they come after I start talking. And so just noticing that it might be that you're in the middle of sharing, and we want to encourage you to use that benevolent curiosity. And that, you know, noticing without judgment, because sometimes when we're sharing, we've already started that conversation, and then we get the body sensations. So just, you know, no, we don't need to shame ourselves, we just need to start noticing, in a really loving way so that we can transition into different behavior eventually.
Right. And this is a phrase that I think can be very helpful for us when we're starting to become aware and making choices is we're still going to engage in the same behavior, because that's how we're wired currently. So one of the ways that we can address that is, after it happens, we can say to ourselves, oh, given the circumstances, it might make sense that I got doped up.
Yeah, I love that. It's a really non threatening way to assess what's what our behavior has been previously.
Yeah. So I think that's a great idea. What other things can we do aims?
I just think, typically, I don't know if this happens to other people. But typically, what happens to me is I accidentally do something a few times before I realize what's happening. And I just think, staying in that space of loving, and noticing, until I can shift into new behavior. I mean, it took me years, Lena can attest to this. It took me years to find intentional and reciprocal friendships in my life. There were so many years of putting myself in these relationships that didn't have the foundation. And I was, you know, having these conversations that really didn't. They weren't supported by a foundation of connection, deep connection and long connection. And so be patient with yourself, I would say, and really, just try to give yourself, grace as you figure this out. I know that the other piece of this conversation is what to do when someone is actually trauma dumping on you. And we're going to address that in the next episode. So be sure to listen to next week's episode, because we really wanted to break these two pieces up us oversharing for today, and then what happens when someone else is trauma dumping on us and we'll, we'll look at that next week. But thank you so much for joining us. We're just so honored that you listen to the podcast, and we will see you next week.
Take care everyone. Bye bye.
Thanks for listening to this week's episode of The mending trauma podcast. Elaine and I are really grateful that you spend time with us each week we know you have a choice and that time is currency. We would love if you would share this episode on social media and tag us so we can reshare if you feel so inclined. Go and give us a five star review wherever you listen to pod so that we can get the word out and help more people. We know that we are all working been hard on our mental health and we wish you great success this week and implementing these new skills we'll check in next week.
