talkin' n' cursive - Episode 1...hestonedaesthetic - 10.24.2023

4:55PM Nov 18, 2023

Speakers:

Keywords:

people

fucking

literally

fuck

talking

fact

artists

shit

put

learned

friend

record

idea

mental health

create

creative

world

sound

happened

wearing

Hello,

hello there.

Can I just say that I, it's been so long since we actually like, spoke that, since I feel like I have a parasocial relationship with you like a celebrity right now because so much about your life because I've been avidly watching. Because you have had a like fucking blockbuster style, you know, cinematic experience Top Gun levels, you know, where it's just like, even people who haven't gone to the movies in 15 years will will go to see. Because the shit that you show, especially with like, the wild ass stuff that you're doing with Red Bull, I mean, how the fuck did that come about? Was it because you sent that sworsky? crystallized?

Oh, is it can. My relationship with Red Bull started in a volunteering capacity it was before I had this don't just get ugly, my business didn't exist yet. I volunteered with them. Because my friend was working with them, I discovered their charity, which is called Wings for Life, as well for spinal cord injury research, it's a really good cause. So I was like, Wait a second, I want to help with the charity. So I went and volunteered for Red Bull charity a couple of times. And I really, really enjoyed it. So I just kept volunteering. And sometimes I would travel all the way to LA just to work with them just to like, kind of, I wasn't trying to get a job out of it. I just wanted to be a part of it. Right? You know what I mean? And they kind of just saw my enthusiasm and decided this year to like, give me a little bit of a contract gig. So that's how that's why I ended up traveling with them. That's how that happens. Yeah, it had nothing to do with my business.

Let's see. That's amazing. Because, like, that is what I think so many of us, you know, we talked about the fact that we are more like, theoretically connected to each other in terms of capability and possibility, like zooms, you know, what, all of these things like, oh, you can't, you know, I can't do a podcast with you because you don't have an American number. Okay, why don't we do an IG live, and then I can save it as a post and I can tag it with collaborator like, all of those things are possible. Now that never worked before. But like so many people feel alienated. Right? Like, even though all of that stuff exists. And the thing that I love about your work specifically, like with the charity is the fact that like, your enthusiasm comes off as genuine. And it is inspiring to people. Because for a lot of us, like we don't even know where to begin. It's like there's this there was even this book that talks about, like the difficulty of like finding friends as an adult. And there's another book unmasking autism by Dr. Devin Pierce, or price that talks about like the difficulty for adults who realize that they're autistic like later in life, but like the concept sking is something that anybody can identify with, where you feel like you have to, like hide certain parts of yourself, because if people knew they wouldn't like you, and that's very, very well known, may be the case, which is what I'm finding out right now is that I respond very, like I for some people, like people have very strong reactions to me, like, good or bad. And I've just had some very intense experiences in the last two months where I kid you not like when I got back from New York, Vinnie. I went to like four different doctors. I like saw my son I talked to my psychiatrist, obviously my therapist I talked to her every week. I even went and started like neuro cycle like a neuropsychological testing. But then I was like, I don't think that this is a good idea like two weeks after like a week after I've had an anxiety attack that was so bad that lasted over an hour. And I was hyper bleeding and crying and literally like shaking on like West 19th Street in any place. I

have a breakdown.

And I like just imagine like I'm literally like, almost like hyperventilating because I cannot catch my breath. You know, it's bad when like a couple people do a double take and like,

especially in New York, if a New Yorker is looking at you twice, like do they need something you know, you're really having an episode. We will walk right past the person on fire.

And so the fat and the thing, also, let's let's be real about it. The fact that people even look twice, is because I'm a white woman, and I'm somebody who wasn't this didn't have this kind A privilege. I could have ended up like Jordan Meili, you know, and so. And in that, like really, really fucked my shirt up. Because, you know, I was assaulted by the NYPD back in 2017. And thankfully, because I'm really lost, I don't remember it. But I do have recording of me talking to a friend about the experience three months after it happened. It was recorded, like in August of that year, and hearing like the physical trauma that I went through, and realizing that like, because I don't know if you've ever heard of this, but there's something called CK levels. It stands for creatine, creatine kinase. And essentially, what it is, is that if you get if you if your muscles are traumatized, like if they're physically assaulted or injured, is some muscles release. And you can actually go into like renal failure if your levels are too high. And yes, and after I was assaulted by the NYPD as I was having a manic episode, you know, and I was in a psych state of psychosis. So I realized that like, and it was like, I had like, fucking superhero strength, all that shit. Like, they literally got on drugs, because there was a musical festival happening nearby. And that was the bias that they had, about who I was, or what was going on was already established before they even spoke to me. Right? Yeah. So, you know, yes, they they approached me with that bias. But at the same time, the privilege of my whiteness and being female meant that like, I didn't die, you know,

I got well, you have to be scared of an escalating in that direction. So sharply.

Right. And but the thing is, is those CK levels? The normal range for women is 55 to 135. And after assault, my levels were over 1000.

Wow. And then what does it take for them to like, regulate?

I don't know. I just have no idea how that works. I have no idea either. And after that, I then get to the hospital. And the cop keeps pacing in front of my room, screaming into the phone about how I'm a crazy bitch. The nurses again, New York nurses are concerned enough about this fucking cop that beat me the fuck up. And then decided to like basically like, linger and threatened me by his presence after he's already beaten the shit out of me. And I gashes along the cheekbones in my face, because I tried to crawl under a cop car to get away from him. And he pulled out by my feet. And so I had some metal like, like, gashes, like on each cheekbone, like talk about the ultimate fucking blush. Right?

Yeah. And how scary that is literally floating outside of your hospital room. The nurses

would not leave me alone in my room. It's how bad it was. And not only that, but then they purposely try to confuse me. And they asked me what color was my dress was it purple, when instead it was red, black and white. And they were purposely trying to like get me even more agitated. So they could say that, like I was a threat to somebody else. And so if it kept escalating to the point where they had four people hold me down, and then they injected me with what they called booty juice, which is, or the good ol five and two, which has fucking held all in it. And they did that, but they took a medical history, and I've had five concussions and I'm, I'm a manic depressive. So like, what what in the actual fuck, you know? And thing and as it was happening, again, this is all what I said, like in the audio clip, is that, like, as it was happening, I said that, you know, I did what they teach women, which is like, if you're being assaulted, say, My name is, you know, and I was like, my name is Agnieszka Pniewski, I was just assaulted by an officer, I'm having a manic episode. Did you know that? And I said in the recording that like two of them loosens their grip, but the other two did not. And then I was injected, and I was so fucking out of it that like, I couldn't even like lift my head. And like, the good cop does is always a good cop. She actually like called my mom and so my mom got on the first flight out, but like, what if she couldn't afford to do that right? Or what if she could be on a dime? And the moment that my mom showed up, all of a sudden, the way that they were treating me in the hospital completely changed, like once they saw I had family, like, all of a sudden were like, Oh, wow, somebody could be paying attention. And

someone's gonna report that someone cares about this person. Okay, I have to treat them differently. Exactly.

And like, that's the thing that's so fucked up is because when you look at the fact that like, and I don't know if this is accurate, I probably really need to do some research but like this, I read that between 60 to 70% of the prison population have undiagnosed mental illness.

Oh, yeah, I would believe that a hot second because we don't really treat. I mean, mental illness wasn't something that was being addressed when I was growing up. And I'm only 36. So I people, I still don't see men comfortably discuss therapy, the way I would expect them do at this point would have been everyone's more open minded to it. And Ella generalizing my it's my experience. But

it also is cultural too, because listen, I am a first generation immigrant, and then my parents fled Poland before martial law was imposed, they went to what was West Germany at the time, aka the Berlin Wall had not come down yet. The German government paid for our plane ticket to get us the fuck out of their country. And so we came to the United States as political asylees. So, needless to say, mental health is not necessarily something that's discussed. And I don't like going into the details of it. But there were horrific things that happened in my family history past that, like, have we even known that that was like a thing. Or like, discuss the fact that that might have been genetic and not a personality flaw, or like the devil take over, because my family is Polish Roman Catholic, and like Catholicism in and of itself is fucking wild. Like, just just think of St. Barts Bartholomew, he lives, there are depictions of him, skin, the life holding his own skin. And He's the funny thing. He's a saint that people pray to and have images of in his house. So needless to say, if you're manic, and in the state of psychosis, that is not a good thing for your mind to have a reference to to be like, Oh my god, this is my version of Stations of the Cross

board the consequences that come with it, right? Because you're like, oh, you're a child here like, well, if you do the wrong thing, just take a look at this guy who's got no skin and you're like, Oh, well, I don't know if that was the best way to condition us to be like, morally sound, right? As I definitely like, my morals are presented to me in a sense, like, Hey, if you don't do this, you go to hell and being like, I wasn't even aware that I was a gay man when I was super young. But like, once I started realizing that I was gay. It was like, Well, this is terrifying, because I was always raised with like, Well, that's an abomination. So you're going to hell now. And I'm like, Okay, well, I can't kill myself. Because if I kill myself, I go to hell, because they don't have that. And then if I don't kill myself, I go to hell because of who I am. So I was like, Well, this is just how all around, isn't it? Exactly. The

thing that's wild about it to me is that the shame is what makes it so much worse. Like, an I don't know, obviously, like back in the day, you could attribute that to the fact that like, we didn't have an understanding of like, the science and biology behind it, right. But like napping, is, you know, there are like scientific methods and the explanations that can give context to things, you know, to like, say how, like, it's weird that some people after brain trauma all become all of a sudden become a savant, and something that they had absolutely no idea about before the injury, you know, like, we're Fascinating, isn't it? Right? Like, there are, there are all of these things about the brain that we do not even begin to fucking understand. And for me, like, this whole process has been one that like, there's always been this, like, almost like permeating sense of fear of being like, Am I in a creative flow state right now? Or is this the sign of hypomania, like should I be burned? To the point where I've been like, so vigilant about my sleep, about my mood tracker about, you know, all of these things? And, you know, even asking, like, friends of mine to like, kind of keep an eye on me and let me know if I should be concerned. You know, and like, literally self

aware, I love that you think like that, because I do that with my friends too. And the different scale obviously, because we have different things that we deal with, but I always tell my friends I feel like can you do me a favor just like, keep an eye on me like if I behave in a way that you think is like a little like shady or inconsistent just let me know, because I only look at myself through like the lens that I see in the mirror and I try

and mine might be blurry right now I might have lucky. Yeah. You know, and so, which by the way, is a fantastic photography tip. You literally put Vaseline, like on the lens. And it gives this like, amazing, soft, blurry effect like those Marilyn Monroe photograph, which is an all black. And that photo series holy.

I would probably recognize it immediately about the camping but

well the thing is, is that a lot of people don't know about it and it is the sexiest fucking thing I've ever seen, like, literally photo of her where I'm like, that's it. That is why like she was so much more powerful than people give her credit for. And there's this photo is wearing like stockings she's wearing like, lingerie, but like not like a bra and panties like almost like a camisole kind of situation. And the art like it's very like Stark, like there's almost no shadow, it's like white and black. So it's kind of hard to like see the exact detail until you start paying attention. But like, her legs are kind of spread just in the way like her head is kind of tilted down. And she's like, looking up like a fucking predator at you. And then one, because of rocks glass, like filled with dark liquid. So it's probably scotch. And then in the end, but only if you're really paying attention. You're like, Oh, is that what kind of necklace is she wearing? No, it's a fucking black scarf tied around her neck and she's pulling it her fucking self is amazing. And that's only one of the photos, the entire series is insane. And I've never seen it like cohesively all together. So I'm in the process of making a Pinterest board of just those images. So I can like, go back to it and like, especially for this like shoot that I'm doing for my birthday in January. But like that's why when you said like, let's do a podcast about mental health. I'm like, absent lately because I think for both of us, what helps us with our mental health and maintaining it is having things that we care about that we can build and creative outlets. Because for me like art has been therapy period. Yeah.

Yeah, it has absolutely been something that's like I but it's also weird because art I don't know if you had this experience. But I, I've always been creative in the sense like when I was in high school, I like to write a little poems, and I had like little outlets like that. But I was never, I never identified as an artist. I never was trying to be an artist, I never really used art that much to help with my anxiety and stuff. I mean, when I used to write because I used to do poetry. That was kind of the most I ever did before I started my business. But now that I have my business, and I have like a healthy way to think my How do I want to say this, when I get anxious and all like caught up, it's very easy for me to sink into my business. So even though it might be a little bit of a coping mechanism, it's a lot better than the way I used to spiral where I would just sit there and like worry about something endlessly in my head, but get nothing done. Now I just shut up. I will distract myself I engage with

you literally distract yourself yourself with shiny things.

But yeah, I literally do. The most simple thing but yeah, my shiny shoes absolutely distract me. And it's so funny because it really like i It goes to show you we were talking earlier about how you you're raised thinking that there are certain things that you don't even know your own brain and how it works right away when you're growing up. And now that I'm older, I realized like how ADHD my brain actually is and the way that it works. And my whole time growing up, I got said to every sort of like extra help. There was I was in resource rooms, they would take me out of the classroom whenever I would get tested. And it was the most like embarrassing, I will never forget how embarrassing it was to sit down and like go to start a test. And someone would come into the room and remove just me. They'd be like, well, he doesn't know how to take tests the right way. And it was so humiliating. And I remembered, like, be really, really convinced that I was just not smart. Or I just could not do what the other kids could do. And everything about the school system reinforced that so hard that I really had no confidence. What I Ate. Yeah, I really did. Because I was like, Well, I must not be smart. If everyone's telling me I'm not.

This is the thing that is so fucking interesting is that we are only now even beginning to discuss that different people perceive information best in different formats. Not everybody can read a solid block of text and retain it. You know, like

to read it like five times and I'll lose my my thought in the middle of defendants. Like you could say the brown box job and I can see the brown and I'm like wait where it was and then I read it again. But if you give me a YouTube video, like tell me Oh, learn how to sew and I could sit there for three days. Watching 12 hours of YouTube non stop and be by the way, having the time of my life. And I will absorb every ounce of that I do it now, like if I'm working on my shoes, it's very monotonous. So I can just kind of turn my brain off. And I just learned things. So I'll just put a YouTube video on anything. It doesn't even matter what sometimes I'm just like, You know what, I wonder how you do? How does that work?

Thank you, you were gonna like I will. I will be your like soundtrack DJ of like podcasts and things that I find.

Yeah, cuz I love that stuff. But, but I learned that I actually took based on me that I couldn't sit down and I couldn't listen because I would daydream. And I would get creative, or I would doodle or whatever it was. And it was just because I wasn't engaged in the way I was learning at all. And now after I got out of like high school, and I could go to college and kind of pick my own classes, all the turnover getting straight A's. And I remember, I was so baffled by those A's, I would, I would say things like, well, that's just because I like psychology, oh, I only got an A in that because the teacher was cool. Oh, I'm the guy in that. But what was happening was I was actually taking things I was interested in. And I learned how I learned. So I can watch a video on this subject. And all of a sudden, I was like nailing it. Because college let me kind of learn a little on my own. It's also when I dropped down, I didn't do any of the things that I didn't want to do. But college gave me a really good foundation. Because see that I did like to learn and I was very capable, a lot more capable than I realized. But then the system had me so convinced that I was just like broken child that had no ability to learn like the other kids. And I was always going to be behind

the and this is the thing. It was so fascinating. And my experience was the exact opposite. In the sense that when my parents came to this country, they literally sent me to preschool, and then they learned English from me and watching TV. You know, brother, my brother was born when I was were seven years and one day apart. And yes, I don't want to say what that means are different signs to how fucking wild is that. But basically and like, and also seven is a lucky number. It's very weird, like so think of this. manic, I look at all of these different things that have like happened to me in my life. And I'm like, it's like a story like, who's the fucking Narrator Am I on The Truman Show? Like, it's not. When you watch The Truman Show, when you're young, I can't remember how old I was when I saw it. But like, it fucking has an impact on me, especially since my mental health issues manifested. When I was so little, that I had to use a stool and then climb up on the kitchen counter to reach above the microwave to the medicine cabinet to get out Benadryl, because I remember that when my mom gave it to me, it made me sleepy. And I had been crying because I couldn't get my mind to stop. And even though I was physically tired, I couldn't sleep. So my issue when I was seven fucking years old, and I don't know, again, because of my memory loss because of the ECP like, I do not know, whether, like whether my parents saw me in the throes of like mental health crisis and perceive that as being belligerent and not following rules. And again, because I'm from a Cold War country, like a belt, it was was considered appropriate, you know, punishment. And, you know, so like, the physical like trauma of that, you know, like, just in terms of even your relationship to your family because you love them but they physically hurt you. And yet you're they're being told you deserve it. Like what does that do to a child's perception?

Oh my god and look at what you were being like what you're being quote unquote punished for when not quote unquote sorry, they're no quotes or that you were being punished but look at what you're being punished for. You're being punished for reacting the way you're a slave to your emotions and your chemistry when you're younger because you don't understand what's going on. Are

you asleep the mind say that again? I'm sorry. I said I'm still asleep to mind because my like I literally don't know when I wake up in the morning like what version of my brain I will be greeting the day with like their vocal I relate to that so hard. There. There are days when like I can't even read a paragraph. There are days when I can only consume things in images. There are days when like if I listened to music above a certain frequency was like a really heavy beat. It literally gives me a migraine and makes me nauseous. Like I'm so sensitive to sound that when I was fatigued in New York like last October, I literally passed out during my friends to piano performance because it had a wooden floor, and the acoustics and a grand piano. And I was sitting so close to it, that I literally think that the sound frequency made me short circuit. Also, I had taken an edible and like they've all like, compounded together and I literally like fainted like, slid to the floor fainted and like one of the people cited to her show because I always invite people to like, see her perform, and she tries to have shows like when I come to visit, which is like the most amazing gift that anyone could ever give me. Because like, you're like, I've gotten to hear her play like the last three times that I've been up. And this last time, I got to hear her play the same, the same program, two different nights on two different pianos. And it was just like, such an incredibly like, nourishing experience to show that like, even with a piece of music, like they were playing Bach and like someone else I can't remember. But like with Bach's music, like, Apple has to create an entire other iTunes for classical music because of the complexity of the fact that, like, so many different people have recorded the same piece of music throughout time. Like how fascinating Isn't that so interesting. And that's only one song. Now imagine that in reference to every person like you, yourself, all of the shit that you know, in terms of like the work that you do, and like how you show your technique and like how you you're not threatened by others wanting to learn that they're gonna like, take a business, they won't, because you were the Pioneer that so like, if you like decided to like be part of like the app that I'm making, like you. Your idea and methods would be established via blockchain technology. And if anybody used your methods, in their work going forward, you would get a residual.

That would be very cool. Because I Do I Do I have heard a lot of people told me and business owners told me by the way, not to tell people how I do what I do it people that were way more successful than me said that and I was like, I have a strong feeling against that. Because I learned how to do what I do from other artists like yeah, not specifically what I do. Right. So not specifically, like, I wasn't like, Oh, let me follow people that are making crystal shoes. Yeah, you never

know, but you learned around it. And one thing that I've noticed with you that I think is so amazing, you always give credit, you post the link to the things that you're referencing, you give credit where credit is due. And right now the reason I'm bitter about that fucking fact, is the fact that I have had two instances in which people have used my photographic work without tagging the problem.

To second People do that all the time. And I almost wonder if it's because they think if they like, I do think some people view working with other artists as not a threat. But they're like, Oh, well, if I post this picture, and I say that someone else took it, do I look as creative? Do I look as independent of a thinker where I think our strength comes from working together. So I have no problem saying, Hey, I always had to do what I do from other artists. And I

think it makes the web bigger, like perfect example of that is like, I think it is so fucking incredible that instead of like, locking everyone under an NDA, and like a strict no social media policy, um, Beyonce tour, she allowed all of them to post behind the scenes, the stylists, the hair, people, the choreographers, the dancers, every single that and then of course, you have the commentary and all these different facets, you have all of these different designers like this literally was like this cultural moment that was created to teach people and include people so even if you are not capable of going into a space with 50,000 people like me, like if I I don't know why I'm crying, but like the thought like I was, I was, this would be the perfect VR experience truly. Because for me, like I truly would not like with my social anxiety and stuff. I wouldn't and also my sensitivity to sound and energies and other stuff with people like I would literally like faint. I would be like those girls during the Beatles. Were they like saying that that would happen to me and I would be unconscious, although listening to like, I will tell you that on the way home from Atlanta. The flight was like an hour and one minute long and I was like, Oh my God, that's the length of the Renaissance album. So I put it on because I was so physically exhausted because I'd only had like, I don't even know like six hours of sleep like from the weekends. So I was like a little bit delirious, right and The reason why is because I stayed up till 2am Talking to my dancer friend Betty who's the reason I even know anyone in Atlanta to begin with, like, She's literally the door that opened this whole world to me. And I met her because I went to, I think it was the Brooklyn Museum. And they used to have this like festival where they would basically have like different like dance dance groups and stuff, like come in. And I went there after work one day, and apparently, I was like laying on the ground and like my business attire, but like photographing, because that's like, my favorite angle to shoot from is me being on the ground, and shooting up. So it makes everybody look like they're a fucking superhero on a poster. And so, so basically, like, she saw me crawling on the ground, and she was like, Can I get the pictures that she took, and that in our, like, friendship and collaboration, like blossomed from there. And then as soon as she introduced me to someone in Atlanta, when he came up to battle, he asked if he could bring his friend up, who then became like, is this amazing, talented, like, philosophic? Like, he is like, I feel like he is my Yoda in the sense that very weird about that. I said that because we don't talk all that often. But I did see like our prior transcripts, where we had these conversations when I was like, in the depths of my depression, like, in the middle of getting like electroshock therapy, sometimes, like my texts, didn't make any sense. Sometimes they were just strings of letters, because by the time I was towards the end of my treatment, like, I literally could not even form a coherent sentence when my mom would pick me up. And my mom was convinced that like, if I continued, like, I would become a vegetable, which I think that term is so offensive, but like, basically, she was afraid that I be, I would not be able to, like, engage with the world from from a conscious perspective, and the only reason why I stopped getting them. So the only thing that saved me was the fact that I have three seizures over the course of 50 days. And the last, of course, the first one, my mom heard me scream, she came into my room. And I was seizing on the bed with like, my eyes rolled up in the back of my head. And then we went to a neurologist, and he's like, Well, she has another one, like, go to the hospital. And then I had one where I fit through the left side of my tongue, and font back, you cannot put stitches on the tongue. So now I am literally always biting my tongue because the way it grew up, it's it's always where am I keep a tuck. I'm like, injuring it. It's almost like a fuckin callus. At this point, it's so disgusting. It it's just, it's wild to me how mental health can like permeate and all of these different facets. And I think, you know, because like you said, I don't really consider myself to be an artist. I think I'm creative. You know, and I think that I about things in particular ways that different than a lot of people. And I think I'm now coming to realize that like, the, the really shitty things that I've been through because of my brain chemistry, and then also brain trauma, because I've had like five concussions. So I've had five on three seizures 77 known sessions of ECTC, slash electric shock therapy, because I found that many consent forms. And

I was gonna say, that's a whole lot.

Done. Mayo Clinic recommends six to 12. And I had 77 over the course of 10 months. My my doctor made 200 grand off of me, or that's what insurance was built, right. And when I stepped in the psych ward last at the July 22 of last year, when I walked in the room, he said, What's your room number? He had no idea who I was. Oh, and this is, and this is somebody who had been inches away from my face on set at least 77 occasions. Isn't that so fucked up?

Yeah, it like so I have a weird relationship with Brookfield because I've met people that are so great and such a wonderful part of it. But then I met other people that are just such reckless. Like, they have no compassion and because they're doctors, they're viewed as like the final word on so much shit out of me.

They're literally and my dad always says like, you know, they want a patient for life. And so that is also something that I've internalized. And for me again, that manifested in shame first to my diagnosis then in terms of resistance to treatment, then in resistance to the fact that I thought I'd lose my creativity. If I decided to take a pill, then fear of the side effects of pills, because I'm very sensitive to anything like, I try to take the lowest dosage possible because I can't fuck with it. So the fact like, my greatest blessing is the fact that I never got into anything stronger than weed, because if I had, I would have been gone a long time ago, period.

Yeah, yeah, that there's a couple of things on my list, because I have experimented with all sorts of big, but there's a couple of things on my list where I'm like, I just know myself too well, and addiction runs in my family. So I'm like, there's certain things that I just won't mess with. Because I'm like, I could see finding a lot of peace in that. And that's not good.

The thing that sucks, though, is that I so wish that I could like try psychedelic. Like, have you seen how to change your mind by Michael Pollan? It's incredible, absolutely incredible. And the fact is, is that like, you know, I have PTSD from the multiple assaults that I've had, because I've also been sexually assaulted. And so the fact that like, you know, the whole, the Body Keeps the Score five is that even if I don't, or my trauma because of my memory, it could also be the fact that my memory is trying to protect me. So my brain is like, Nah, you don't need to remember that shit. We're gonna just lock that away, because we're going to get you to go forward and not wallow in the absolutely horrific shit that happened to you that you cannot change. And if you let yourself wallow in it, and just soak in it, like it's an Epsom salt bath, it will continue to poison you going forward, and we can help you figure out a way to detox it, you know, make you like help you find a community help you find people who have the same diagnosis as you because the fact of the matter is, is that for like I went to a partial hospitalization program and an intensive outpatient program, after my voluntary hospitalization, I've been hospitalized four times in my life and only one of them has been voluntary. The other three were when I panic, this one was for me being depressed. But the times when I make every single time, I had an altercation with the cops. One time it was very warranted because I was wearing like a bikini top and jeans and I was knocking on neighbors doors, telling them that there was going to be a fire soon and that they should evacuate. And so now they call the cops even though they knew I lived in the neighborhood, but they were like what in the actual fuck, and so the pain and I felt like one of them was groping me at that point. I already been sexually assaulted. So his his, the way that he touched me re traumatize me. I lashed out, I kicked him. I kicked him in the balls. And then I was promptly hogtied.

You're like, Okay, we'll do this when I understand

that when I get right, like under, like, that's a given. Right. But like, the fact again, that I even survived to them is like the point. And so that's why for me like going forward. I, my whole thing is this, like, if it was this shitty for me as a white woman who at times had access to health care. And all this still happened to me. Imagine how it is for those who do not have access, or those who face Doctor bias, or those who don't have access to community programs, or shelter, or consistent food or safe places, or say family members, or no community or mental illness, or getting out of jail and you can't find a job even though there are programs where literally the government will pay a company money to hire a felon. And yet companies still don't you get released from prison and they give you a bus pass. And they don't give you anything if they do then sometimes the money isn't on there right away. So you get completely fucked over. Good luck finding how you're completely on your own. So what do you expect people to fucking do?

I feel I have like, it's like, what is it survivor's guilt almost, which is I carry that with me all the time because I have such bad anxiety. And I struggle dealing with what's going on in the world so often because I'm way too empathetic. So anytime something goes on, like what we're experiencing now with this inquiry insane situation going on in the Middle East. It wears on me so much. And then I go into this spiral of like, well, you have the nerve like well, because you're in your nice one bedroom apartment in Southern California being upset by what's happening. You know what I mean? So then you kind of like, get into that. That's why I've, what I was comparing when I said I feel like I have survivor's guilt sometimes because I'm like, if it's hard for me to just function on a daily basis, how are other people doing it? They do have Family and I do have like, I have friends that are there for me and I have like a my privilege and I have the ability, the education to like, get myself pleases and do the things that I want to do. And I'm just like, man, and I feel like I have the cards stacked against me sometimes. Right?

And so for me going forward, I want to almost like Doc's myself, in the sense of like, put all of my shit on blast, in the sense that like, I am basically making, like art pieces, from my experiences my own mental health. I'm not talking for anybody else. All I'm talking about is what it is that I went through. So like those 77 consent forms that I found, and again, there be more because there's a two week period that's unaccounted for in the forums that I have. But like I was looking up, because a friend of mine, Lauren Pretorius, who's this amazing, unbelievable art artist, she's like, she's like my Leonardo da Vinci because she fucking does it all. She makes wigs like hands, like individual human hair wig. Or the Met, she's worked for Broadway. She just fucking made wigs. For Madonna's tour. Like he is the biggest badass, even if that's the only thing she did. But guess what she also does SFX aka prosthetics, aka she made a bald cap. Because the only other option for the actress in the play colored water would have been to shave the actresses beautiful hair. And Lauren was like, absolutely fucking not. So she had to like create the bald cap. And there's a story that she has, where she basically like shows the behind the scenes of the process. And she is taught a college course on body modification. Like, she should be like the world's like, art teacher, Mrs. Frizzle, or whatever the fuck man like Mr. Rogers, and LeVar Burton, and like all of them, and like Bob the painter, like she's all of that in one and I will make her like, I will make it so if she ever has an idea for any project whatsoever, I will find people to help her make it happen because she is a fucking genius. Like, I cannot. I cannot express. Like, I just feel so lucky to like, see her grow like in real time. It's like being friends with the onset, you know? Yeah,

it's very cool to see people come up. That's something that I haven't ever experienced before. Because the whole art world, my life was very like nine to five ish. But even my circle was very nine to five or so since I moved to California, I've met a lot more like artists and people that are doing their own thing that works for themselves. And seeing some of them take off is the most gratifying. Like it I kind of I understand why people like watching me now. I know that sounds weird. I get it. Because I have a friend who I'm watching. We it's very exciting to see somebody meet

you, this is a thing. We need hope. We need to see it happening to people that we either know, or admire. Because the thing is this like, wow, if it could happen for them, maybe it could happen for me to not to even discuss the fact that how important representation is you know, like the fact I mean, oh my god, don't even get me started on the beauty that was the Little Mermaid like off. Like, I took pictures of this little girl wearing a mermaid outfit, carrying an Ariel doll with her mom wearing matching clothes in front of the poster, because they were trying to take a selfie and I walked by and I'm like, I don't mean to be creepy. And then I showed them my camera tattoo, which surprisingly puts a lot of people at ease. So it doesn't just seem like

that's a great idea to be like, Look, yeah, this is like you can trust me like this, isn't it? I would feel so honestly comforted by that. Right?

I do that all the time. That's like my go to with people. Yeah. And that's how I'm actually always carrying like business cards on me like I use mu. And with their business cards, you can have up to 50 different images. So I've made them for all kinds of things, almost like little exhibition portfolios. So like, you might have like three different business cards for me and the QR codes all go to different things because each one was for a specific purpose. So like it was just yeah, it's just been so fun like that I get can be adapted to like fucking trading cards for pictures from like battles between dancers, because that's what I did this past weekend. Like I went to Atlanta and Betty was there and Betty is the one who introduced me to the Atlanta scene. And I got to see the kid who I've been photographing on and off since 20. 15th I got to see him be a judge and perform on the world of dance stage. Like what a what a beautiful, like fucking storyline that is, you know, like, it's just so fucking awesome and like, I really think that like with dance especially like there's so there's so many stories and they're all so beautiful like even the fact is like what different styles people dance, because the thing that's cool is that like different dance styles are almost like dialects where like different places have like, like styles that are attributed to them. So like, broke up into lessons like Brooklyn, and like Bed Stuy, you know, then you have like it, which is Memphis, then you have animation, which is Atlanta, like, there's all of these fun little things that like, if you're in the know, there are these nuances where, and the fascinating thing is that instead of having like a passport stamp, basically it's like a dancer travels, or like does a cipher which is like, kind of like what they call it is like labbing, where basically it'll be like half circle, they always film them, or they film them a lot of the time. And then they take turns going and like dancing, and you see the reactions and they're all like cheering each other on and like when you take photos or see the video, it's literally like looking at like a Renaissance painting with all of the different like faces and like emotional. undulate like

is, but it's exactly what you need about Yeah.

And oh my god, it reminds me Is this, like, I bought the best bookmark of my life. And I know that that sounds nerdy as fuck. And I don't care because I'm basically like with this project. I'm like a nerdy ass librarian who's obsessed with keeping things. I'm like a hoarder. I am a I am a I am a moment hoarder, right. And so the thing that's so funny about it is like the things that it's like, I'm the ultimate fanboy for a lot of people. And I'm like, let me keep this safe for you. And I told the winner of the event, I was like, I know that this sounds kind of cheesy, I'm like, but do yourself a favor and record a voice memo of you the day after you won. And so that way, in the future, you can go back and listen to the intonation of your voice in that moment. As you look back to your pictures.

I love that. I would also love to hear the way you talk about yourself in different moments. Because I know if I had a recording, if you were to ask me. Are you an artist? Two years ago, my response would have been so stuttery. And I was so like, my my partner used to make fun of me all the time. But he was like, you just cannot answer that question. And now I say yes, with like my chest. Because now I actually feel like one and my posture syndrome has totally fallen off.

Well, because you've proven to yourself that despite your doubts, you actually have physical proof, you have physical proof that you did it. And that feels so funny.

That's very trippy, it's a very trippy feeling.

And it's like that, that whatever that thing is that you made even though for you, you literally like send them out into the world. Like they're your babies, they're your literal, they get to have like another life after yours with them. And it's the same thing that I love about vintage clothes. You know, like my friend, Marina, if you ever are looking for like fabulous gifts, especially with like jewelry, and like vintage clothing, holy and even records her husband has a record store and like comics and stuff on the other side. And they you can order like from them and they ship anywhere around the country. But like for photo shoots and stuff, I will literally like send her a mood board. And she will put together like looks in pieces. And she even modified this amazing green neon jumpsuit, because there was this like green crazy ass sculpture that I wanted to photograph this dancer in, but she was too tall and the jumpsuit wouldn't have fitter. So like she literally did all of these cutouts to give a couple of extra inches, so it totally worked. And it literally looks like a fucking space alien. Like it looks like you somehow got a paparazzi photo of an alien at a race. You know,

mission accomplished.

Oh my god, I'm gonna send you the photo and you're gonna see exactly what I mean. And we even had to, we even had to trespass to get to it because I guess it's like structurally unsound. And the funny thing is that when I posted the post, I tagged the sculptor in it, and he liked he actually commented on the post so he obviously knew that it was condemned and that we even wait. Anyway. You probably

will love that because I love rebelliousness. Yeah, no, I'm

actually thinking of calling disease then I'm going to make a I'm thinking about calling it art anarchy.

I love that I relate very much to the anarchist lifestyle. I think I'm becoming a feral, like woodland creature out here. And I was just talking to somebody about that I was like, I think we really need to like read this entire. This is the society that we have built. Oh, not in parallel on the record,

let me go on the record and say we need to fucking burn it all down to the ground.

Period. Yeah, and rebuild.

I hope my FBI agent who I'm sure loves me, I'm like his own reality show like fuck the Real Housewives of like Kenya. I have a friend of mine who's like known me since high school. And we only like get in touch with each other, like, every few years. Like he was. Recently he was like, you know, if I didn't know you, and I heard like, the stories of like things that have happened to you in your life. I was for sure. I think that you were making it up. He's like, but because I was actually around like I can verify. And that shit is wild, you know, because I've had some happen. So like when I've been going through all of my old stuff, because I like I said, I've been a memory hoarder. So imagine that you have no memory. But you have a bunch of stuff. So you're going through it and you're like, why should I decide to keep this? Like, what was it?

what did this mean to me at the time, there's also going to be kind of like, let me not use the word fun, because I'm sure there is nothing fun about memory loss. It must be very interesting to be like, Why do I have? Like, what is it? What was it what was so significant, and you kind of gotta like, piece it back? Like,

that's right. And not only that, but the fact that like, I tended to when I was manic, I tend to just give all of my shit away. So I'm talking like, all I'm talking about, like 20 pairs of designer heels that I found someone who had a small feet of me, and I literally just gave her 1000s of dollars worth of shoes, then, like put together because I I've always had like, way too many books like books are my fucking drugs, and Sibley basing, by the way, if you're getting a book that isn't brand new, Holy fucking shit, you can get books for like $3 that, like I got this textbook about manic depression written by Kay Redfield Jamison, who also wrote An Unquiet Mind, and she's bipolar. She fucking had manic episodes while she was getting her PhD and manic depression. How wild is that? Right? Oh, my God. Yeah, he wrote a textbook. And it's literally gigantic. It's like over 1000 pages. It retails for $198. And I got it for 19.

That must have been exciting. And that's a whole textbook, too. We're not, we're not talking about a 99 page read like you got that's a wealth of information by someone that you respect.

Exactly. And she actually does a lot of work regarding manic depression and creativity. And so my whole thing is that, like, I and I've looked, and I haven't seen anyone do this, and obviously, like, I'm not a scientist. So like, I can't do this shit myself. And I'm not going to try to make it an official study. Because fuck that noise, I'm not going to like pay hundreds of dollars for you to tell me that my idea is worth exploring. Okay, but like, I'm gonna do it on my own. And I'm gonna get one of those brain wearables, I'm gonna pitch this idea almost as like a sponsored post. And I'm gonna write a message. Remember, I asked you about Red Bull in regards to this, but the whole, like, dancers wearing brain wearables, like during a dance battle, and like having the frequencies be projected, like above the stage, and like having full like, watch in real time. And like, you could even throw gambling into the mix like that, who's gonna win and like, accept best, like, as it's happening like you I mean, there are so many ways to make money off of this in a way that actually benefits the people who are creating the fucking culture. Because what I'm offering every single dancer who I have footage of, is I'm basically saying to them like if you decide to contribute, like you can use these images if you however the fuck you want, please just tag me like I'm giving them to me. I'm like, Yes, I have a watermark on it. But like, you know, you can always crop that out and be an asshole that's up to you but like I'm trying to do the right thing and in addition to that, if any money is made from it, like the trading cards or merch I was thinking like how cool it would be to have like hoodies with pictures of like different battles and on the back would be a QR code where if somebody scans it it goes to this like, audio gallery of like fans like talking shit like about that. You know that that Oh, like in perpetuity, so it only ever grows like that, right? Like, I mean, it could be There's so many different ways. So my whole thing is I'm like, if anything if if a penny fucking comes from any iteration, and we can also pull a Grimes and offer, like every single piece of media that we have within the archive, be like you can remix it, go for it. But the precondition is that you have to negotiate with the people who are in the footage and who shot the footage. And as long as you guys can come to an equity agreement that works for you, go ahead, you know, like, do what you bid, let's see how creative you are. Because that's another thing too, is that like, the rise of the pandemic, and, you know, the fact that like, all of a sudden, everybody became like, you look at tick tock, and there are so many future directors like that are making so many more interesting things. Hollywood is putting out the timeframe is so much shorter, all of a sudden, you're getting like commentary, you know, and entertaining commentary at that. And it's like, you get to all of a sudden sit next to the most interesting person at the dinner party and learn some shit. It's pretty fucking awesome, you know, and like you advise

very well with Southern California, but it is very much so artists supporting artists, like I've done like three art shows out here. And not a single one asked me for a red Penny besides just like a regular ticket price to become a vendor. And I was like, so you don't collect any percentage on what we sell? And we're like, Nope, they were like it was for artists, by artists to support other artists and like three times out here where I'm like, that is not money. It's not money driven. Very interesting.

Let me let me put it on the record and say this right now. Remember how I talked about, you know, San Diego? And then you asked me like, or you tried to explain to me what a bonfire was, and I laughed, alright, yeah. That was the moment that happened. I'm like, oh, yeah, we're gonna be we're gonna be friends for a while. So even if we don't actually like talk all that often, like, I'm sorry, but you're my friend, whether you like, like it or not like,

we've been talking for years now. And that's where it's really exciting. I love doing these things. Because I like that. I like that you talk about mental health so much, just because I think it's so important. Or even to this day, if I tell somebody like oh, I just got back from therapy. I see a twinge in their face, not negative, not positive. It's like a little shock that I set them up. And then I see it go away, I see that I can see the reaction where they're like, Wow, you said that. And I was like, Yeah.

You said the quiet part out loud.

Yeah, like even if they have a therapist, or if they don't have a therapist, I think I've met all different walks of people walk that people from different walks of life. And every single time I mentioned therapy, even if they're, like, pretty grounded, and like we have a lot of similar thoughts. They always are like, Oh, wow, you have no problem saying that. Hon. I'm like, This is so interesting to me that people still think it's like, admirable to say you see a therapist. And I'm like, Thank you for the positive reinforcement. But this is not a big deal. Right? Like every one of us should be doing this and we shouldn't shouldn't feel any shame about it at all.

Oh, my God, I took too big a hit.

joining you in a moment. But I tell people that all the time. I'm like you should I love talking about therapy.

Well, and not only that, because this is this is the thing that I'm realizing is that yes, my brain has fucking been through the wringer. Which is why again, when I was manic, I wrote to a friend of mine, my best friend at the time that I used to call my mind twin and I even have a tattoo that actually says TM but the whole idea was that if you looked at in in a mirror, it would say mind twin, because it's like we were mirrors of each other. How sad is that? I love that. Right? I know, it's like heartbreaking in a way but like, but like the fact that like, you know, you can Sorry, I lost my train of thought what was I saying?

We were saying that the mind twin mind twin look at was before that. We were talking about therapy. And I was talking about not feeling shamed about talking about therapy. Oh,

yes. Okay. So, when as I go forward, like everything, like every piece of art that I make, like going forward is it's not to be like obnoxious or to be like, Oh, I have a stage name. Nothing like that. It's just the name is telling you the context with which to take it. So like if you're somebody who believes that mental illness is means that you're damned, then don't read it or you can hate read and engage because the algorithm still counts. I hate as right so like, I don't care a lot. I'm not gonna block anybody talk your shit. Let's go for it. Like, why don't you just say it publicly because you can't DM me I'm going to put every single DM that you send me on fucking blast. I will cut out your picture and your name. But as far as I'm concerned, I have been fucked over are so many fucking times that like, you should consider everything as being on the record. Yeah, you know, and

everything, anything you say to somebody, I guess I just explained it to my partner recently, and they never say anything to anyone that you wouldn't say to their face. And I was like, I know you can, people can talk, that's fine. That that rule has freed me from so much stress and anxiety because like, people gossip, it's normal. But I used to just mentioned things and then to get back to people's years, and he gets always, like, misunderstood. So now

very game, it's, it's what it is. And so my whole thing is like, I'm gonna put it up. This is what I was saying, when I was talking about Daxing. Myself, I am literally putting out everything that relates to my mental health journey and the process of creating this app, because I do not abide anymore by the notion that you should not talk about the struggle in the process until you've already reached the pinnacle. Fuck that noise? No, you need to talk about it in real time. Because guess what, maybe some people can give you some advice, maybe they've been around that block, and they can prevent you from wasting money or even worse your fucking time. And so my whole thing is like, Why? Why are we collectively allowing each other to all make the same mistakes? And the reason why is because we are all so separated from one another by design. Because keep in mind, this system is not broken, it is working precisely as it was intended to do. And that was to make every and I did not come up with that somebody else far smarter than me did. But and I don't know, I was I should look that up. But the the fact is, is that, you know, if we could all like so each of us individually are like under the weight of this table of like capitalism, you know, and colonialism. All of this fucked up shit in the world, which is why everything that is shitty that is happening is because of capitalism. Period. Yeah, like, and capitalism and colonialism. The CC's Fuck, no, like Coco Chanel in her Nazi ass, you know? Like, this, is that right? And so the fact is, is that it's just so wild to me that like we are not realizing that our strength is in not putting pressure in one edge of the table but in all different directions and not at all consolidated. What if we fucking all realize that we have the same enemy and then realize that if we come together and maybe even if we don't have access to physical capital in terms of like monetary but what if you could like trade your skills get a credit and use it on something else?

Yeah, there's a kind of a little like Burning Man is almost there's like a slight essence of that what we're talking about where they're like, We want to build a community where we barter and we each bring something to the table actually have a friend out here is building a similar community in your Kuma, Kuma, it's like an hour outside of San Diego. And he's like, I'm building a whole way of life out here and it's gonna be like for all artists to come, and you're gonna be able to fabricate but it's gonna be year round. It's not going to be just one week out of the year and I was like, I would live here. I'm working out I was like, No, seriously, save me a lot. I love this idea.

Well, will you do me a favor? Will you ask him if he would be interested in me doing a mini documentary like in terms of like maybe podcasts and him shooting video and then doing like pulling like a Vogue's life and pictures where instead like we go through the stuff that he sends me whether it's photos or videos or like him recording his thoughts and like how the process is going and then he gets full editorial control and he also gets 90% of any profits that are made

Oh, yeah, I could absolutely talk to him about it because I know he was really trying to like drive home this idea that it was not this idea this reality that we could actually all especially in this day and age where everything is a million dollars to even have like a one bedroom one bath he's like we could all pull our money together and we can create a community where we all live together and well he was like Mo has one foot in the world of you know you have to pay your taxes have to like be a functioning member of this society we did not choose to be a part of but the rest of it is all going to be in like this new world where like we could literally all the Michigan together because like I love the idea of community living I don't want to live in like I like to have my own little separate space to like work and sleep. But the idea of like living amongst

people if I had like a mini if I had like a mini house, but then there was like a shower that was like communal and maybe it even had okay with that and saying like, like I was like let's do summer camp all the fucking time. Let's have bonfires let's have communal dinner. nerds, let's have Movie Night, like, let's talk and do it but not have it be like, tied down by all this religious dogma and bullshit. It's like, Hey, if you want to make something, and you need help, come here, and we'll try to help you. We can't make any promises. But like you, this is a safe space for you to like, you know, maybe you need somebody to remind you to drink water, which is what my friend Christopher Pat Hansen does. Every time he comes with me, and he was like, helping me at the event. And he was like, my right hand person, you know, so he could do this. I couldn't. And like, that's the thing. Like, sometimes you need that, right. Like, sometimes you need to, like, have people you can reach out to you on a dime and be like, Hey, can you like if somebody has children? Hey, can you watch my kids real quick? Some, like an audition came up? You know? Yep. Yep,

no, supporting artists and telling you that's why also, by the way, I totally do now identify as an artist. But what's cool about that is I don't identify as an artist because I make shiny shoes. Now. I identify as an artist now because I learned that I can create stuff that moves people. So now that I like that and that my imposter syndrome has fallen off. I'm like, Oh, now I wonder like, the shoe business is cool, because it's established and people know me for it. Now. I was like, Whoa, now I could do anything. Because I've already established myself as someone who loves to create and like to watch me create. So now I'm like, Oh, God, there's like a DJ future I see for me. But I want to get back into painting a lot more. I want to do more than just

you need if you need a DJ coach, DJ fish house funk came all the way from DC and completely saved my ass because of all the drama and I'm not going to put that stuff on the record. But like a lot of shifts down. And he came in like a superhero with his thick ass size. He does this thing where he breaks watermelons with his eyes. And he's a disco DJ. His name is D fish house funk. And he has a SoundCloud and I fucking love it.

Okay, I'm definitely looking him up because he his name be I love DJs in general, and see throwing a little extra sprinkle of any crushes watermelons with his legs. That was that one? Yeah,

I've got I've got I've got to carry I've got to carry for the Sunday. Are you sitting?

I'm currently standing now.

Okay, well, you might you might stumble. So just hold on to something, okay. She's a fucking physical therapist who talks about mental health and spirituality, about.

So my kind of person. Yes,

he used to work at Equinox, and they fucking take so much of your money. And it was exploitive, and he didn't want to do it anymore. And he wants to help people be able to like, become physically healthy. He's helping his parents recover from injury and helping them be able to have physical because they own a fish store. And like, that's where the name fish has come from. And like, he's how he's showing their journey as he like, shows them the way and he said that this process has helped them understand really like what it is that he does. And like he's just such a beautiful fucking soul. And like the fact that I met him, because of the fact that untitled queen was such a genius with coming up with the concept of putting together a queer creative collaboration directory, where basically people could look at themselves in different artistic categories. And they could include like, basically, you putting yourself on that list indicated that you are open to collaboration. So the best way to like contact you and then you listed like the things that you knew how to do. And so because of that, I reached out to all of these people to do podcasts for the app that I was working on, that then got stolen from me after I almost killed myself. So that was cool, that my mental health precipitated me losing my company, and that my business owner was part of the reason why I almost killed myself. So that was exciting. But anyway, so when I was doing that, though, the good thing that came out of it is that I recorded 113 either it lives or podcasts with different creatives from around the world. And that was thanks to I think it ended up being funnily enough, and I did double check the numbers. So this is like the universe's cruel trick, or like, best little side joke. Is that 69 of the 113 were because of that directory. How fucking wild

Oh, that's cool to see that it's working like that, though. Yes.

And it's also funny because like 13 is my favorite number. So like, it's just so weird. That's what I mean. Like when I say sometimes the things that happened to me it feels like I'm in The Truman Show because it just seems like somebody really cheesy wrote it because it just seems like you know, pull Objection, like a comic book, you know, you're like, Oh, come on, that's so fucking predictable, you know, but

more of that happens. When you like that more of it? Well, you're gonna say, I'm sorry, I interrupted you, you're

mature, but you're absolutely correct. So like, the fact is, is that now, I leave that the fact that like, hey, my brain works differently, you know, after the whole kerfluffle. Like, in New York, I basically, like went to four different medical professionals within 11 days, because I was seriously concerned because of the fact that like, I was, like, am I artistic? Like, what is going on that like, the method which went with which I communicate to people is being met with such, like, virulent reaction, like, it was just, I don't know, if it was like, I was representative of something as a white woman, like, you know, where it was, like, how fucking dare you? And, you know, like, was it the fact that, you know, even though I did try to, you know, make that conversation anonymous, like, I cut out, you know, their face, and like, you know, their name on there. But like, if somebody really wanted to, they could like, dig back to the original flyer, and, like, zoom in and see all of the different people that were originally attached to the project, and they could then try to figure out who it was that I had that exchange with, but like, you would really digging to, like, find that shit, you know. And so it's just one of those things where I just, you know, I just want everything to be on the up and up, like, I want to be accountable for everything, including, like, how much money I spent, and what result is from it. So like, if I'm doing a Kickstarter, I cannot just show like, you know, when I'm doing the fundraising, saying, you know, this is what I want for this, this is what I want for this. And people, when they donate, they can say, like, which project they want to fund. But then I'm gonna literally like have an Excel spreadsheet that shows where every single penny of their donations went, you know, and that if there's any financial return from any of those projects, they get a return on their investment.

Yeah, I have to be better business minded like that you're good at that stuff. I like kind of tend to not track a lot of my profits and where it goes, and what the return on the things that I do is, so that gets a little tricky sometimes.

Let's see. What if you had someone that did that for you? What if you found someone who was deciding what to major in in college, and they could act as an assistant in that specific capacity for you?

Yep, no, well, that's exactly where I'm headed, actually, because I am, like, ready now for the first time to like, bring somebody else on. And I was talking to other entrepreneurs, whenever I see someone who has something that I want, like success or freedom, or even if they just have motivation that I find inspiring. I always like to ask them, like, what is your biggest piece of advice? And recently, someone told me hire someone to do the shit that you do not want to do? Like, that sounds very simple. And it was like, I promise you, it is the biggest thing for me. It was like because I'm a creative person, I think like this. So he was like, I hired someone who was very numbers focused very large.

Like I need a Virgo in my life. Because Virgos are like, detail orientated. Like, unbelievably, I had a former

revelry. Nagi Don't worry. Well see,

this is also sucks I, when I was at the height of my sickness, both in terms of like, manic episodes, like she, this is, this is how real of a friend she was. She fucking visited me in a psych ward. Okay, so this is like, deep as level friendship, right? And she even like, knew when I was like, super depressed, she like came to Florida in the middle of the pandemic. And like we did these like glorious photo shoots like that neon jumpsuit I was telling you about. That was from the date. I think she was only here for three days. And we did like five shoots together. And then we did this like shoot with like, this dance school, where we did 15 minute shoots for like $20 a pop. And then we shot them like back to back in front of this, like red sculpture that was in downtown Tampa. But the only problem was that it was in the height of summer and one of the medications I'm on gives you heat intolerance, where it literally says like, try to avoid direct sunlight. And this was like summer in Florida. And so in

Florida, so you're basically on the surface of the sun.

I got heat exhaustion, and I vomited. And I was like mainlining, PLA and water and there were days answers and their moms watching me, like, try to recover. And one of them even got me like something I can't remember, like, ice or something like I can't remember, but it was like, so it took 30 minutes for me to recover. And then I finished the rest of the shoot and there were 21 shoots in four hours.

Oh my god 21 shoots in four hours. It can't be He?

Yes. So this is when I mean, like we I mean, we were she was the most amazing, creative collaborator, friend ever. And I learned so much from that experience. But this last round of mental health and the ramifications of it really fucked up things happen, which I, you know, claim full responsibility for, but it was just a really unfortunate series of events. And, you know, for her mental health she has to, and this is where I give her so much fucking credit is the fact that like, I did have the difficult conversation. She did say like, I will always support you in everything that you do. But at the same time, like, it's too hard for me to be your friend. And I'm not going to go into the personal reason why, but the fact is, is that my partner, my business partner, even though he had my brother's email, he decided to reach out to her and tell her that I was suicidal. And she has to be the one to call my mother and tell her Oh

yeah, that shouldn't have been on them.

And then, and then to make it even worse, oh my god. To make it even worse. I was sitting at Frenchie is literally just weeping like my untouched Cajun grilled grouper sandwich in front of me, which is so fucking delicious. And I was so drunk on white wine. And I was I even like disassociated at times. But I just had it. I just really was was at the end. And I started giving away like all the money I had. I was getting a, I was giving it away to basically, like all of these different people who I've recorded podcast with, I was giving it away so fast. So like Venmo suspended my account, they thought I had been hacked. And I donated the largest chunk $1,000 to that friend. And I did it through her nonprofit, and I did it anonymously. And then when I got out of the hospital, I was so scared about like, what the bills were going to be that I was like freaking out about, you know. And I asked her for the money back. And I didn't realize like when I asked her because first of all, she didn't even know that I was the one that gave her that money. Right. And second, I didn't notice until she said it. But apparently when you receive money as a donation with a 501 C three, you have to be like there's such specific rules about how it can be spent, you can't just refund it. And so she has to fucking pay me back out of her own personal money. How fucking bad does that suck? And as soon as she Yeah,

that's by that's how I buy. Yeah, like, that's not that wasn't your fault or your intention? You know what I mean? It's, it's tricky, because of the way it all fell down. But like, that was it your intentions were only good, right?

But it just it just sucked because it's like I hurt her in multiple ways all at the same time. And so like I complete I totally understand, like why she, you know, had to walk away, but I will always be forever thankful that like that she gave me that closure, you know?

Well, good. I'm glad that you have the last night the wherewithal the way they were saved or the self awareness to know that we can't fix the decisions that we've made in the past. There's not all the things that we can do to fix it. But we can absolutely just know what our intentions were and try to correct and moving forward because I've definitely done some things where I'm like, Oh, I don't like the way that that all went down. Or I had friendships that faded because of differing circumstances. They're like, Oh, that said but we had all these positive times together and learn from them. You seem to have a really good relationship with this person. That

See, I think that that is such a beautiful thing that you said because I do not prescribe to that mentality that like just because something ended then it didn't matter. Right because sometimes or

that it was bad because it's like no, no, no, there could be so much good there. Right much good there. Because

if You learned things, if you became a better person, even if you fucking found your new favorite movie, you know, or, you know, or like, a moment when the light was just right. And you looked at the person and you were like, This is me happy.

Yep. I was. I had, I had a relationship. We were together for five years, and we split up. And every time I would tell somebody that we split up, oh my god, I'm so sorry. And I'm like, no, no, no, no. I'm like, That person taught me that I could love somebody this much. And no, yeah, but did it all fall apart? I'm like, yeah, no, it did crash and burned. I was like. Yeah, I was like absolute disaster. But it taught me an enormous like, probably the most important lesson is that I could love someone that wholeheartedly where I was like, Wait, now that I know what I'm capable of. I can love this much. Like, I couldn't wait to try that. With ya. I'm one that was ready to love that much.

Sometimes, it's like, I really do feel like this, which is why if something comes up, like, I feel like people just kind of the universe just like, puts out little breadcrumbs and clues. Like, if you're willing to look for them, there's always a treasure hunt. If all of a sudden you have an idea, or like you have a conversation with something, and it sparks an idea, like, it's up to you to see where that could take you because that could literally change the direct like trajectory of how you consider something going forward. And so it's so fascinating to look at it through the lens of like, you don't even need a multitude of experiences. Like, even if I only even if I never went to Atlanta last weekend. Even if I only had the New York event, I could build my app from that. And I have, like, my website right now is fucking badass. Like, I'm not even ashamed to say that, because I've put so much time into it. And I have like spent the time basically since. So I need to make something called a PRD, which is product requirements document. Obviously, I don't code obviously, I'm poor, obviously, like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm not a nonprofit, so I can't apply for grant money. So I have to be very like innovative as to how to actually build the damn thing without having to take on another leech. Like my last project was because the last time part of the reason that drove me literally, to a psych ward, was the fact that every single inkling, I was allegedly the CEO, but every single idea I had about how it should be created physically, like logistically in terms of the fact of like, even creating the code, they want us to go out of the country because it was cheaper per hour. I wanted to approach it from the aspect of like, let's find somebody who knows the tools, AKA a kid who's playing around with software engineering, or a college student who's graduating and about to go into the workforce. Were in the tech field. If you don't have at least one project on your resume. You can't even get in the fucking door. Which is why Yeah, all of the people who are creating all of this tech shit, they all fucking went to the same colleges. A lot of them are white frat bros who were Patagonia vests, the moment it drops, five degrees and they they spout fucking Jordan Pearson and they think that like, you know, that's why I found the series about like Uber with Justin Gorton love it super pumped. Amazing. And also like the one about Elizabeth Holmes with Amanda secret or I can never say her last name see frayed or something like about Yeah, yeah, like learning about these people who have great concepts, but their egos prevented them from like, seeing the bigger picture because of their greed and their need to control. For me, I'm actually going to be doing the exact fucking opposite, which is that I only want once my business once my expenses are recouped. Like, for instance, this past trip, like the flight, the hotel, the lifts, whatever, right? Like as soon as my expenses are recouped. I only want 1% of anything that you make going forward that I helped you make. Every whoever made it can all decide to break it up, however the fuck they want. Because I want to prove that collectively we can create so much passive income that is almost like an annuity that only keeps on growing because you've already done the work like you did the battle. We have the video and footage, you know, you've already done it. So like even if you decide to never do a podcast, even if you never decide to be a part of like the app going forward. You still get to get money from the work you already did.

And the collective abundance that you can find with artists using others because I see that business model out Here with the way that they do the art shows, and how are you not taking a percentage of sales and they're like does all these artists have big followings or even if they don't, they have followings. And then they come here to do our little show, and then they pose them and other people come to our show. And it's mutually beneficial across the board. And it's being proven right in front of my eyes, because I'm going to these art shows that are putting me in front of usually, like 1000 people that have never seen me before, at least. And I'm like, how am I here for free? And they're like, because, yes, free, we're getting your following. And you're getting ours and we're all vibin. And I'm like, Yeah, cool.

It's like it's like, orgy of all time, because it's the fiscal one.

Yeah, and it like, and it inspires you and it make everyone money, and which is really cool. It just, it's an all around, win win. And when people are motivating each other, and they're inspiring each other, they work a lot harder. And I'm not saying work a lot harder, like, Yeah, you should be working 12 hours a day blood, sweat, and tears, meaning like you are, you are hard in it. Yes,

your heart is in it. And this is the thing. And my argument is that by giving away creative control. And by giving and spreading out all of the equity amongst every single person who helped create it, I would argue that, like people's motivation would be increased because their success is the communal success. And I feel like we can all get to weigh bigger numbers. Individually, if we act collectively.

I agree with that. 1,000%. And I've seen it where I've tried to do it on my own. And I've seen it where I collaborate with other people. And I do so much better when I'm working with other people or when I'm just even if I have like a little mentor, I also write for Asian from being that person for other people. I love when people come to me and they're like, I want to make this but I have no idea where to start. And they're shocked that I take the time to answer them directly. By the time that I take the time to answer them.

Do me a favor when I send you the link from my website, scroll down all the way to the bottom because in the in the footer that's on every single page of the website. It's almost like if you if you're still here, you know, like at the end, like almost like superhero movies when like you stay after the trailers and then they give you like a little credit. Right? Except mine says, Do you have any questions, ideas, artists, you want to recommend? Like anything that you think is interesting, but you have no one to share it with? Send it to me? Like, I will be. I will be the AKI who is forever interested in anything that you want to fucking show me even if you aren't real, you know,

you are like You're like the collective artists like Auntie that's like pinching your tooth, like you're doing so good.

And I'm slapping you on the ass you know, to get you into shape. And

you're loving you give us a nice little you give us a nice little pump. But I appreciate it. And it's actually a good segue because I actually have to run now. But this was, this was so much fun. It's such a great time catching up with you and talking like we usually do.

Yeah, you're, you're just so fabulous. And I just love watching you and you really need to start making like YouTube videos or even a channel because you are. Whoa, if you need help, let me know.

I should probably well, because I would like to bring myself to another platform because I like live Instagram right now. And also YouTube is my next venture. So we will chat about that. Thank you so much for having me today. This is really nice. Yeah.

All right. Have a wonderful day. All right.

Enjoy your day.

I'll talk to you soon. All right, bye.